Rick Warren - Facing The Fears That Ruin Relationships - Part 2

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We're gonna go all the way back to the book of Genesis, the very first book of the Bible, and look at the first couple, Adam and Eve, because that's where all the problems started.

Now let me read you the story. It's in Genesis chapter 3, and we'll pick up the story about verse 6: "So Eve ate some of the fruit. And then she also gave some to her husband, Adam, who was with her, and he ate it. Immediately, their eyes were opened, they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover up themselves. And then they heard the Lord walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from God among the trees. But God called out to Adam, 'Where are you, Adam?' And Adam replied, 'I heard you coming. I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.' Then God asked, 'Who told you you were naked? Who told you you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?' Adam said, 'You gave me this woman and she gave me the fruit, so I ate.' Then God said to Eve, 'Why did you do this?' Eve replied, 'The serpent deceived me, and I ate it.' So God said to Eve, '(Because you have disobeyed me),'" in other words, because you didn't do what I told you to do.

"'You're gonna have greater trouble in pregnancy and you're gonna have great pain in childbirth. And though you'll desire your husband, he's gonna lord it over you.' And then God said to Adam, 'Because you also disobeyed me and you sin with your wife, the ground you work is now cursed. And though you'll get to eat what you planted, your fields will have weeds, and thorns and thistles. And for the rest of your life, you'll have to sweat and work hard to get your food until you yourself are returned to the dirt that I used to create you.'"

This is a fascinating story filled with the enormous amount of spiritual truth in it. But I just want to point out the relational truths, because in this story, we see the three basic fundamental fears that pop up in every single relationship. Now, you can use what we're gonna look at today in your small group. You can use it in your marriage. You can use it with a boyfriend or girlfriend. You can use it with friends. You can use it at work because these three fundamental fears that started in the first relationship when sin entered are still present in your life and in everybody else's life, and they damage and they destroy potential in relationships.

What is the antidote that transforms the relationship, that relieves these three fears, the fear of exposure, and the fear of disapproval, and the fear of losing control, that causes me to be distant, and defensive, and demanding in relationships? There's only one antidote to the fears. It is love, love. Write this down: Learn to live in God's love. That is the antidote. I must learn to live in God's love. Now, notice this verse, 1 John 4:18, first half of the verse says this: "Wherever God's love is, there is no fear," circle that, no fear. So you wanna get rid of fear in a relationship? You gotta get God's love there. You wanna get rid of fear in your career? Get God's love there. You wanna get fear out of your education, or in your sports, or whatever? You gotta get God's love there.

"Wherever God's love is, there is no fear," why? "Because God's perfect love drives out all fear". You see, the opposite of fear is not faith. The opposite of fear is love. When you invite God's love into the front door of your heart, and last week, we talked about your heart as the center of your emotions. When you ask God's love into your heart, the front door, fear goes out the back door 'cause fear and love can't live in the same house. When you let fear in the front door of your house, love goes out the back door. Whenever you are afraid, you are not being loving because perfect love casts out all fear. Why is it that people will stand and watch a fire burning a building down and everyone's afraid to go in, but somebody runs in, and it's the mother going in to get the baby. Why? Because fear is overcome by love, and the love is greater than the fear.

So, learn to live in God's love. You see, this is the result of fear. Notice the second part of that verse, 1 John 4:18B: "It's the thought of punishment that makes a person fearful". What is the thought of punishment? You're thinking about the negative consequences. How many times have you been afraid to tell the truth because of the consequences? How many times have you been afraid to be yourself because of the consequences? How many times you've gone to a party or gone on a date and you didn't want to say what you really believed because of the fear of the consequences, the punishment you would receive?

How many times have you had a friend, and you knew something was wrong in their life, and you tell him almost all the truth but you save back the last 10%, which will make the difference? And you hold back so many times, we hold back the last 10% from somebody, 'cause we're afraid we're gonna hurt their feelings and then they're gonna reject us, and we're really doing it out of fear. We don't want to share the last 10%. It is the thought of punishment, or negative consequences, that makes a person fearful.

So how do I learn to live in God's love? You do three things, and if you will do these three things, it will transform your relationships. These things will transform, really, their three daily choices. Every day, I surrender, every day, I remember, and every day, I offer. And if I do these three things, and if you will do these three things, you will transform your relationship. You may have been married 40 years. It'll still transform your relationship.

Number one, how do I learn to live in God's love? Everyday surrender my heart to God. Everyday surrender my heart to God. Now, last week, when we were talking about emotions, we said the heart is the symbol of the center of your emotions. And so, what you do is, in the morning, when you wake up, you sit on the side of your bed and you say, "God, before I even start this day, I surrender the center of my emotions to you. God, I want you to be Lord of my feelings, Lord of my emotions. God, I want you to control my mind and control my emotions, my mind and my heart, and I surrender to you, and I want you to fill me with your love".

Now, why? Because God is love. God is love. The more closer you get to God, the more love will fill your heart. The further away you get from God, the more fear will fill your heart. So if you wanna get rid of your fears, you gotta get close to God. And if you get away from God, fear, anxiety, worry, insecurity, those are gonna soar in your life. See, because perfect love casts out all fear. So if I get close to God, it casts out the worry, the insecurity, the anxiety, the fears, and all of those things.

Job 11, verse 13 to 18 is a verse you might even wanna memorize. It's a long verse, but it's a great verse. It says this: "Surrender your heart to God, turned to him in prayer, and give up your sins, even those you do in secret," and you could do that first thing in the morning as you sit on the side of your bed, "Surrender your heart to God, turn to him in prayer, and give up your sins, even though you do in secret. Then," notice the benefits, "you won't be ashamed," shame will be vanished from your life, "you won't be ashamed; you will be confident. You will be fearless. Your troubles will go away like water beneath the bridge, and your darkest night will be brighter than noon. Then you'll rest safe and secure. You'll be filled with hope, and you'll be emptied of worry"!

Now, there are three commands and eight promises in that verse. God says you do this and I'll do this. Every promise has a premise. "Surrender your heart to God," okay. God, I give you my emotions. I give you my heart. I do it every day. "Turn to him in prayer". You talk to him in prayer, and you "give up your sins". That's confession. Say, "God that was wrong. That was attitude was wrong. I shouldn't have done that". You get a clean heart.

Then he says, notice the eight benefits: "No shame. You'll be confident. You'll be fearless. Your troubles will be like water under the bridge. The dark night you're going through is gonna be brighter than noon. You'll be able to sleep well. You're gonna rest safe. You'll rest secure. You'll sleep well. You're gonna be filled with hope, and you're gonna be emptied of worry". Wow, you ought to take that verse, and write it on a little 3 by 5 card this week, and put it on your vanity, or put it on your car visor, or put it where you'll see it, and you read it over and over and over. Do those three things and expect those eight benefits. The first thing I do to live in God's love is every day surrender my heart to God. And look at the benefits.

Number two, I not only surrender, I remember. Every day, I remember the way God loves me. You have to pause every day and remember the way that God loves you. Because if you don't feel loved by God, you're certainly not gonna wanna offer love to anybody else. If you don't feel loved, you're not gonna be loving. It is impossible to be loving and not feel loved. So, I have to remind myself every day what God thinks about me, not what the world thinks, not even what I think about me. What does God think about me? This is what removes my fears.

Let me just give you four of the things that God thinks about you. Write these down. Number one, I'm completely accepted. I'm completely accepted. Now that's important because the deepest wounds in your life are those caused by rejection, and so we spend much of our lives trying to earn the acceptance and avoid rejection from our parents, and from our peers, and from those we respect, and from those we envy, and even people we are total strangers. We want their respect. We wanna be accepted. We don't wanna be rejected, even by strangers.

The Bible says in Titus 3:7, "Jesus made us acceptable to God". Jesus, what he did on the cross, made us acceptable to God. And if God likes me, and I like me, you don't like me, what's your problem? I am acceptable. I am completely accepted. Number two, I'm unconditionally loved. That's what God thinks about you. He loves you unconditionally. Now, there are a lot of things I can say about God's love, but two of the characteristics of God's love are it's consistent and it's unconditional. In other words, it's consistent. God is not fickle. God is not unpredictable. God doesn't say, "I'm gonna love you today, but tomorrow I've got a bad hair day".

I had a kid tell me one time, he said, "Growing up, I never knew if my dad was gonna hug me or slug me". Inconsistent parents produce insecure kids. That's maybe where some of your insecurity came from, but God's love is consistent. It's not fickle, and not only that, it's unconditional. God doesn't say, "I love you if". He doesn't say, "I love you because". He says, "I love you, period. I love you in spite of the fact". You can't make God stop loving you. God will never love you more than this very second, and God will never love you any less than this second. No one will ever love you more than God does, and you never need to ask, "Will God love me today"?

You never need to ask that. Did I pray enough today? No. Because God's love isn't based on what you do but on who he is. We always get into trouble when we doubt God's love. When we doubt God's love, we get fearful. Isaiah 54:10 says, "My love for you will never end says the Lord". I am completely accepted and I'm unconditionally loved. Third thing God says about you is "I'm totally forgiven".

So why am I carrying on shame? Why I'm holding on to shame? I'm totally forgiven. Do you realize that before God even made you, before God made you, he already knew the worst things you'd ever do, and he still chose to love you. He knows the things you're gonna do that you don't even know you're gonna do. He already knows 'em, and he still has chosen to love you. And because of what Jesus did for you, dying for your sins on the cross, I'm totally forgiven. Romans 8:1: "There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus". Sins are wiped out. God doesn't rehearse it. He releases it.

And then number four: What does God think of you? I'm considered extremely valuable. I'm considered extremely valuable by God. Let me ask you a very personal question. How much do you think you're worth? I'm not talking about your net worth. I'm talking about your self-worth. I'm not talking about your valuables. I'm talking about your own personal value. How much do you think you, as a person, are worth? You may say, "Well, I'm not sure about that".

Well, let me ask you another question. What is it that makes something valuable? There are two things that create value. Who owns it? Who owns it? Okay. Value depends on who owns it. And the second is what somebody is willing to pay for it. That's what's determines the value: who owns it and what somebody's willing to pay for it. In other words, value depends on who's, you know, who owns something. Would you agree that at an auction, a toothbrush owned by John Lennon would be more valuable than a toothbrush owned by Rick Warren? Yeah. Or a bed owned by a president would be more valuable than a bed that you own.

Who owns something often creates its value. Owner adds value to common things. Who do you belong to? Who owns you? God does. You're a child of God. You're a son of God. You're a daughter of God. And just like an Oil sheikh say, "Pay any price for that ransom girl. She's the daughter of the king". Here's what the Bible says about you: "You've been bought with a price, bought and paid for by Christ's death".

See, value depends on somebody's willing to pay for it. How much is your house worth? Not as much as you think it is. Your house is worth whatever anybody is willing to pay for it, and if nobody is willing to pay your price, it isn't worth that. Sorry, hate to tell you that. But it's only as valuable as what somebody is willing to pay for it. But Jesus Christ paid for you with his life. That's how valuable you are. So, how do I remember every day the way God loves me? I get up in the morning and say, God, "I just wanna remind myself how much you love me. I'm completely accepted, and I'm unconditionally loved, and I'm totally forgiven, and I'm considered extremely valuable and capable". And you remind yourself of those things. That's a key to relationships.

Then number three, here's a third thing: I surrender, I remember, and then every day, I offer. I offer that same love to others. The same love that God gives to me, the Bible says I am to offer to everybody else that I come in contact with. Every day, I offer that same love to others. And here's what the Bible says. Look up here on the screen. John 13:34, Jesus said this: "I'm giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Love each other in the same way that I have loved you". That is, you are to would accept them completely, you are to love them unconditionally, you are to forgive them totally, and you are to consider them extremely valuable. Jesus said, "You are to love everybody else in the same way that I love you". Would that transform your relationships? Yes, it would.

Look at the next verse. The Bible says in Romans 15:7, "Accept one another just as Christ accepted you". Circle the phrase "just as". Accept one another just as Christ accepted you. In other words, in the same way, just like Christ accepted you. What does that mean? Well, it means this. It means I must accept everybody else the way Jesus accepts me. I must love everybody else the way Jesus loves me. I must forgive everybody else the way Jesus forgives me. I must value everybody else the way Jesus values me.

I read a book awhile back called "How to Make People Really Love You". I mean, no, it wasn't. It was "How to Make People Really Feel Loved" is what it was. And really, if I were to boil up the answer to that question, "how do I make the people in my life really feel loved," the answer is the last verse on your outline. If you wanna become a great lover, you must do these things because this is what real love is. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:7, "Love never stops being patient, love never stops believing, love never stops hoping, love never gives up"! Circle the four "nevers". This is what real loves. See, this is how God loves you. God never stops being patient with you. God never stops believing in you. God never stops hoping for the best in your life. God never gives up on you. And that's what God expects you to do with everybody else.

Now, let me explain that verse. Love never stops being patient. That means love extends grace. Love extends grace. You offer grace to people. Love never stops being patient. It extends grace. Love never stops believing. That means it expresses faith. It expresses faith. I believe in you. I know we've had this tough time. I know we've had this failure. I know we've had this sin, this falling out, but I haven't stopped believing you. Love extends grace and expresses faith. Number three, love expects the best. It never stops hoping. Are you expecting the best in your marriage, or have you settled for less than the best? And love endures the worst. It never gives up. You can throw everything at me, but I'm gonna keep loving you. If you wanna transform your relationships, then I'm going to invite you to follow me in a prayer.

Let's bow our heads. Just say this in your mind. When I say it, you say, "God, I agree with this. Me too".

Dear God, I admit that I have made a mess in my relationships. They're complicated. They're broken. They're not the best. And I've often settled for less than the best, and they need transformation, and I'd like you to begin by changing me. Deliver me from these three fears that I've learned about today. I can see how they make me distant, and defensive, and even demanding. So today, and each day from now on, I want to surrender my heart to you. I'm doing this right now. I surrender my heart to you. God, I surrender my heart to you. I want to learn to live my life in your love, filled with your love. Please replace my shame with your love, and when I'm afraid to let others see the real me, remind me of how you see me.

Thank you that you accept me completely. Thank you that you love me unconditionally. Thank you that you forgive me totally. Thank you that you paid such a high price to save me. Now, dear God, help me to accept others just as you've accepted me, and help me to love others unconditionally just as you've loved me, and help me to forgive others totally just as you've forgiven me, and help me to value others as much as you value me. Dear God, I want to be known as a loving person. I want to be a great lover. So help me to extend grace to the people around me, and help me to express faith in the people around me, and help me to expect the best in the people around me, and help me to endure the worst when it happens. I want to live my life in love, and I humbly ask this in Jesus's name, amen.