Rick Warren - Facing The Fears That Ruin Relationships - Part 1
This weekend, I want us to look at diffusing the fears that ruin relationships. And to do that, we're gonna go all the way back to the Book of Genesis, the very first book of the Bible, and look at the first couple, Adam and Eve, because that's where all the problems started. Thank you, Adam, and thank you, Eve. Now, you know the story, that God created the entire universe because he wanted to create earth, because he wanted to create a sustaining environment for human beings, because God wanted a family. If God hadn't wanted a family, he wouldn't have created the universe, but he made it all because he wants you to be in his family.
So, he made Adam and he put him in the Garden of Eden, the perfect paradise, and Adam had everything that he could possibly want except he was lonely. Because he noticed that animals had mates, but there was no mate for Adam. And I think God did this intentionally. Two reasons, first, he wanted Adam to realize what he would need in his own life, and second, I think God made Adam and then thought, "I could do better," and then he makes a woman. Don't worry, I'll get you back. And so, God makes Adam out of the dust, out of the dirt of the earth, and he creates Adam out of dirt, and he creates woman out of Adam, okay?
Now, this by the way is why men don't mind getting dirty and women do, because men are made of dirt, okay? We were created out of the dirt so we like dirt, we don't mind getting muddy, messy, but women weren't created out of dirt, and the Bible says they were taken from a rib of Adam. Now, there's a symbolism in this, that God created Adam's helpmate, his partner for life, his wife, out of his rib. He didn't take her from his feet where he would lord or over her, he didn't take her from his head where she would lord over him, but he took his wife from his side, where he would be his equal, his partner, and he took him from a rib close to the heart as a symbol of she is to be deeply loved.
There's a lot more I could say about that, but that's not where we're going this week. But God puts Adam to sleep, he creates woman, and when Adam wakes up, he sees Eve in her full glory. And Adam wakes up, and he's never seen a naked woman before, and he wakes up and he goes, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, man, man, oh, man. Whoa, man, whoa, man, woman," and that's where the word came from, okay? Whoa, man, whoa, man, woman. And things went along really great for a long time between man and woman because there was no sin, so there was no sadness, no sickness, no sorrow, no suffering, no deceit, no lying, no manipulating, no jealousy, none of these things in their relationship. They are the only couple that had a perfect relationship.
The only one, because since sin entered the world, everything else is broken. But then you know the story, that Satan comes to Eve and he lies to her and he says, "Didn't God say that you can't eat from any of the trees in the garden"? And of course, God hadn't said that, God had said you can only not eat from one. It's a minimum temptation. Everything else is on limits, do whatever you want to with it. Just one tree is off limits to give you a choice, because I want you to choose to love me. And then he says, you know, God's lying to you. He said, you know, you're not gonna die if you eat that tree, the fruit of that tree. In fact, you'll be as wise as God. You'll be God. Every temptation comes to that basic issue, I wanna be God.
See, Satan never tempts us to be like himself. He never says do this temptation and you'll be like me, you'll be evil. Nobody would do it. But Satan says do this because you know better than God, because God is old-fashioned, because God's out of date, God doesn't want you to be happy. You should do this because you know what will make you happy more than God, you're a God, and he fell for that line. Now, let me read you the story, it's in Genesis chapter 3 and we'll pick up the story about verse 6, "So Eve ate some of the fruit. And then she also gave some to her husband, Adam, who was with her, and he ate it. Immediately, their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness".
This is where shame enters the world. There'd never been any shame and never any guilt and never any fear prior to this. "They suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover up themselves. And then they heard the Lord walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from God among the trees. But God called out to Adam, 'Where are you, Adam?' And Adam replied, 'I heard you coming and I was afraid,'" notice, here's fear again, "Because I was naked". "'I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.' Then God asked, 'Who told you you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?' Adam said, 'You gave me this woman.'"
I'm glad you see the humor in that without me even having to point it out. "Adam said, 'You gave me this woman and she gave me the fruit, so I ate.' And God said to Eve, 'Why did you do this?' Eve replied, 'The serpent deceived me, and I ate it.' So God said to Eve, 'Because you have disobeyed me,'" in other words, because you didn't do what I told you to do, there's gonna be a curse now. Everything's broken, and one of the things that's gonna be broken is childbirth. He said you're gonna have greater trouble in pregnancy, and you're gonna have great pain in childbirth. How many of you are mothers, can I see your hands? Anybody wanna give a testimony on this verse. Okay, you can thank Eve for all that pain, okay? He says you're gonna have trouble in pregnancy and great pain in childbirth, "And though you'll desire your husband," in other words, you're still gonna love your husband, "He's going to lord it over you".
In other words, there's gonna be conflict, there's gonna be domination issues, there's gonna be distractions, there's gonna be a power struggle in your relationship from now on. "And then God said to Adam, 'Because you also disobeyed me and you sinned with your wife, the ground you work is now cursed. And though you'll get to eat what you planted, your fields will have weeds, and thorns, and thistles.'" So, you can thank Adam for all the weeds in the world, weeds, and thorns, and thistles. "And for the rest of your life, you'll have to sweat and work hard to get your food until you yourself are returned to the dirt that I used to create you". This is a fascinating story filled with an enormous amount of spiritual truth in it, but I just want to point out the relational truths. Because in this story we see the three basic fundamental fears that pop up in every single relationship.
Now, you can use what we're going to look at today in your small group, you can use it in your marriage, you can use it with a boyfriend or girlfriend, you can use it with friends, you can use it at work, because these three fundamental fears that started in the first relationship when sin entered are still present in your life and in everybody else's life, and they damage and they destroy potential in relationships. Let's get right into it. Number one, the first fear we learn is this, it's the fear of exposure, and it is this, the fear of exposure makes me distant. The fear of exposure makes me distant. Why can't I get close to people? I'd like to be closer to my wife. I'd like to be closer to my husband. I'd like to have that intimacy, that soul, passionate, intimacy, partnership. Why can't I get close to the people in my life? Well, my fear of exposure makes me distant.
Now, here's the truth, there's a lot in you that you don't like. You don't like it about you, and because you don't like it about you, you certainly don't want anybody else seeing it, and the things that you don't accept about you, you have a fear will not be accepted by others, so you wanna keep your distance. Because when people get close to you, they can see you, warts and all. The closer people get, the more they see your blemishes, the more they see your mistakes, your faults, your failures, your weaknesses, and so we keep people out of distance because of fear of exposure, that people will know what we know about ourselves. And those things you don't like about you, you don't want being shared anywhere else.
In verses 9 and 10 in Genesis 3, it says this. "God called to Adam, 'Why are you hiding?' And Adam said, 'I was afraid because I was naked, and so I hid.'" Now, let me say a couple of things. Whenever God asks you a question, he already knows the answer. He wasn't asking those questions for his benefit, he's asking the questions for Adam's benefit, because he wants Adam to own up. He wants Adam to man up. He wants Adam to be a man and accept responsibility for the fact that he had run and he was hiding. Any transformation in any area of your life, including relationships, only happens when you own up to the fact that they aren't what they ought to be.
And as long as you think I got a great marriage, nothing wrong with it, it's not gonna get any better. I got great friendships, it's just fine. As long as you are in denial, there's no recovery, there's no transformation. So, it starts with you owning up and being honest to God and honest with yourself that my relationships are not what they could be. They could be a whole lot better than they are right now. Now, I want you to circle on that verse the phrase, "I was afraid and I hid," because they go together. "I was afraid and I hid".
Fear always causes us to hide. I wonder what you're hiding from today because of fear. What are you pretending not to know? What are you pretending isn't a problem in your marriage? What are you pretending isn't a problem in your life? What are you pretending is not a problem in your relationships because you are afraid of facing the truth? God doesn't want you to fake it, he wants you to face it when it comes to fear. What are you pretending not to know? "I was afraid and I hid".
Now, also circle the phrase, "I was naked". "I was naked". What does it mean to be naked? He's talking about more here than just physical nakedness, there's an emotional nakedness, too. To be naked means to be exposed. It means to be uncovered. It means to be vulnerable. It means to be authentic. It means you're out in the open. It means you are unprotected. You are never more vulnerable than when you're naked. I mean, it's just all out there, there's nothing to hide. And when we are afraid of nakedness, when we're afraid of vulnerability, when we're afraid of being open, we're afraid of being honest, we're afraid of letting people see us as we really are. My fear of exposure makes me distant.
You see, one of your deepest needs is to be loved, but one of your deepest fears is the fear of being seen for what you really are. And you can live with a husband or a wife for 50 years and keep secrets from them because you're afraid that they would not accept that part of your life. Living with somebody doesn't guarantee that they're seeing all of you, because they're not. Now, I want you to notice the damage that fear does to a relationship, because there are three stages and we see all three of them here in this. The first phase is shame. You might write that down, shame, it's verse 7, once they disobeyed God, the first thing that entered their relationship was shame. And when you disobey God, shame enters your relationships. It says, "They suddenly felt shame at their nakedness". Fear is often based in shame.
Now, when you carry shame, you are easily embarrassed. When you carry shame, you fear embarrassment almost more than anything else, and you will do almost anything in your life to avoid embarrassment. That is a symptom that you're carrying unresolved shame in your life. Shame makes me more self-conscious. Shame makes me nervous, more nervous. Shame makes me fearful of being humiliated, and I'm gonna avoid that at all costs. Shame means I am easily mortified. Because if you have any of those things in your life, it means there's some shame you haven't given to God and let him take it away in your life.
Phase one is they felt shame. Phase two is the cover up, the cover up, and what happens is when we feel ashamed, we try to conceal who we really are, our true selves. Verse 7B says, "So they sewed fig leaves to cover themselves up," or to cover up themselves. Now, if you've ever seen a fig leaf, they're not very big. Some of us, it'd take a lot of fig leaves to cover us, okay?
Now, today we all have much more sophisticated ways of covering up who we really are. We don't have to use fig leaves anymore, but we do it all the time. I wonder what ways you use to cover up your fears, your insecurities. What ways do you cover them up? Some people use humor, and they're the class clown but they don't let anybody get close to them. They don't let anybody get close to them and they use humor. Maybe you try to cover up your insecurities by presenting an image that you're all put together. I mean, you got the right clothes, you got the right accessory, you got the right hair, you drive the right car, you say the right things, you use the right words, and you give this image that you're all put together, but you're not, you're not. You don't have it all together. You don't have it all together in any sense of the word, but you try to present this image, why? Out of fear.
Today, a lot of people hide behind an online image, and if you read their Facebook, their life is perfect, and if you read their Instagram, they have nothing but fun and everybody wants to date them and they are so cool. Stop pretending you got a perfect life on social media. You know, you're just faking it and it's revealing the fears in your life. As a third phase, we move from shame to cover up, and the third phase is distance from God, and that's verse 8. It says, "Then they hid from God among the trees".
Years ago, there was a guy named John. I can't remember his last name, but he wrote a book called "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am"? It's a good question. Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? And the answer to that question was, the reason I'm afraid to tell you who I am is because you might not like who I am. And if I share who I really am, not what I'm pretending to be, if I share who I really am and you don't accept me, it's tough luck. I'm up a creek without a paddle, so there's no way I'm gonna let you see the real me, because you might reject it. They hid from God among the trees, and this causes us now to not only be disconnected from other people, and that's why we have relationship problems with others, but we're disconnected from God, which is why we have a relationship problem with God.
And we not only start fearing other people, we start fearing God out of shame. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, but he does expect you to be honest. So, the first fear is this fear of being exposed, and that causes me to be distant. The second fear we see in Adam and Eve is the fear of disapproval, and my fear of disapproval makes me defensive. My fear of disapproval makes me defensive. You see, now we move from simply hiding, and running, and covering up, to now being defensive and we start attacking other people back. We're not just hiding, we're now hurling. We're not just excusing ourselves, we're accusing others. And in this stage now, when I have this fear of disapproval, I start pointing fingers at everybody else.
And you hear people say, "But you did that". You did this, "But you did that". But you did this, "But you did that". That's moving from hiding to hurling, from excusing to accusing. The more critical a person is, the more you know they fear disapproval. I'll say that again. The more critical, the more perfectionistic, the more attacking someone is, they're always putting everybody else down, the more you know that person fears disapproval, because that's the way it shows up. The more I fear disapproval in my life, the more I'm gonna point at other people and all what they're doing wrong.
So, you see these commentators, and preachers, and other people who are always pointing out the wrong of everybody else, they are afraid of being disapproved of themselves. It's coming out, that judgmentalism. We see this in verse 12. "God asked, 'Did you eat what I told you not to eat?' Adam answered, 'You gave me this woman and she gave me the fruit.'" Adam took it like a man, he blamed his wife. And in fact, he's not even blaming his wife as much as he's blaming God. "You gave me this woman".
You know, if you hadn't made this woman, you and me, God, we'd be like this. It's all my wife's fault. I'd really be close to you, God, if it weren't for that wife, that woman. She seduced me. She got me all messed up. And so, Adam is blaming not only Eve, he's blaming God for his choice. He's passing the responsibility. Now, you've heard me say many times you spell blame, B-LAME, and Adam is being lame here. Now, sorry, ladies, but Eve wasn't any more willing to accept responsibility. She doesn't show up either. She doesn't woman up to this. Genesis 3:13, "Then Eve said, 'The snake tricked me into eating.'"
So, Adam blames his wife, and Eve blames a snake, great. My fear of disapproval makes me defensive. And this happens in your marriage and in your relationships all the time. If anybody says anything that you feel, your wife says something to you that you feel is a hint of disapproval, you immediately get defensive. You immediately get defensive, and you either explain it, or you attack back, or you accuse, or excuse, or you say something catty, or whatever. My fear of exposure makes me distant, and my fear of disapproval makes me defensive. But there's a third fear we see in Adam and Eve, it's the fear of losing control. And my fear of losing control makes me demanding. My fear of losing control makes me demanding.
You see, the result of Adam and Eve's sin is they lost control. They lost control of everything. They lost control of their future. They lost control of their destiny. They got kicked out of paradise and now they're feeling totally out of control because they were. They weren't controlling anything at this point. And in this situation, my fear of losing control makes me demanding.
Now, let me just say it this way. The more out of control you feel, the more controlling you become. The more out of control I feel, the more controlling I become. I start bossing everybody around. I start making demands. I start protecting myself. I start defending, demanding, demeaning. I start dominating. The more insecure you are, the greater you have a need to get your way. If you're a very secure person, you don't need to have your way all the time, you don't, it doesn't bother you. You don't have to have your way all the time because you're secure. But if you're insecure, then you really have to have your way all the time, and you fight for your way, and you push for your way, and you control your way. The more out of control you feel, the more controlling you become.
Now, this happens in verse 16 where God says to Eve, "You'll have yearnings for your husband". In other words, you're gonna love your husband even though you both messed up, but he will lord it over you. The Berkeley Version says, "He will dominate you". And this is where the war of the sexes began, right there, and all the misunderstanding between men and women, between husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, all the confusion, all the conflict, all the jockeying for power and position, all of the tit for tat, all of this for that, all of the, you know, bargaining, and who's gonna be in control of this, and who's gonna run this, that all goes back to this situation here, sin.