TD Jakes - Model Homes
Bishop Jakes: If you are after a goal you need a model so you will place the pieces not according to how you feel but according to how they fit until you look like the model. So my wife has a model of marriage, that she built without me, that's built on her set of experiences, good and bad.
Let me say, it doesn't mean that you emulate your parents; sometimes you are bent on not having what they had, but they're still a model that affects you, and I had a model and we didn't necessarily meet about models, we met about us. We met about us, I thought she was cool, kinda fine you know. I thought the Lord anointed her, when she walks she didn't even have to say nothing, there was anointing on her walk. She walked past me, I said, "Glory to God, praise, service has begun". When I think of the goodness, anyway, but what happened is I dated her, she dated me, but we married models. When you've done marital counseling, you do a lot of premarital counseling, I think you do it better than me, what do you think people, when you take people through premarital, what are the areas that you talk to them about?
Serita Jakes: A lot of the couples that come to me to talk about, they haven't delved into who that person really is outside of them, that person was part of a unit before they met you, and so they bring their unit experience into the relationship and I brought, and the woman brings, her unit relationship.
And so I had to teach them, first of all, I know you think it's just you and him against the world, but my darling, it is not the case. There will come a time when you'll have to link arms with his family to carry him, and he's going to have to link arms with your family to carry you, and so you cannot walk in a relationship severing ties to that person's family. You absolutely cannot walk in the door, and say, "Well, I don't like your mama and I'm, you know, and it's two women in the kitchen", all of that's gotta go away. When we talk about submission, which I've always said is the very sensual word, to me submission means I choose to take my wheel and lay it under you so that you can govern, I mean how submitted is that? When you decide that I'm going to take off my robe and lay it at your feet so that you can walk across the mud puddle.
Bishop Jakes: You doing good, girl, I ain't saying nothing, go on with it, you got this.
Serita Jakes: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that I think submission is very sensual, we always talk about the lips, hips and fingertips, but for you to be strong enough woman to say, "I choose your will for our lives over mine", and so I think it's very-very sensual, sensual.
Bishop Jakes: I like that word, I think she's doing really good with that. In a lot of ways we are alike about that, in a lot of ways we are alike. You know we want the same things, we value education, we value our children becoming the best version of themselves, we value the fact that we weren't gonna make our children be props in a church play so we look good to other pastors, we gave them the freedom to be themselves. They didn't ask to be married in a house where their daddy was a pastor and I refuse to make them props; if they ended up in the ministry it had to be because God called you to the ministry, if you ended up playing the piano it had to be because you wanted to. I didn't tell them where their destiny would leave them, they might serve the world better to be an astronaut, giving them the freedom to choose their own path and/or mess up their own lives ought to be every human right.
So we agreed on that, in other ways, we are very different, okay? And most of the time, I got a man cave, I spent a lot of time in the man cave, our bedroom has become her she cave, and you can tell by the music how we are. If I'm playing music it's loud, it's thumping, it's bumping, it's moving, it's going, it's... If you walk right down the hall, she;s playing spa music, candles are lit, the room smells like something I can't even identify, falling rhododendrons, all in the atmosphere, it is very quiet, it is very peaceful. It is very nice but if I stay over there too long I would probably commit suicide, hang myself by my belt 'til I died 'cause I need drama, give me some drama, for God's sake, give me some drama. Kick over a lamp or something, make some noise, kick your feet, stomp, I need drama, I'm an extrovert, I want noise.
I tried to live in her world but she's an introvert, so what that means, it doesn't mean that she's shy, doesn't mean that she can't function on stage, it doesn't mean that she can't do what she's doing right now, it does mean that what she's doing now doesn't feed her, it drains her. Introverts can do anything that extroverts can do but they are fed from different sources, I refuel is this atmosphere, you see me jumping up and moving around, I refuel, the more I do this the better I get, I can preach fever out of my body, sickness out of my body, tiredness out of my body.
If you let me do what I do when I do what I do like I do it, I will invigorate, I will come alive, arthritis will go, swelling will leave my joints, I'll move up and do everything. I am an extrovert, this is my sleep, this is my rest, this is my life, this is my joy, and I only go to bed so I can do it again. As soon as I get a nap I will be right back, 15 minute nap and I will do the next service for you at the same level of intensity. So what do you do when a cheetah falls in love with a rabbit? Well what do you do if a bird and a fish fall in love? Because most and generally you're attracted to your opposite and if you're not careful you'll spend the rest of the marriage trying to turn them into you. I was attracted to her because she was calm, I married her because I secretly wanted her to save me from me.
Serita Jakes: I got you.
Bishop Jakes: You got me?
Serita Jakes: I got you.
Bishop Jakes: Okay, okay, for 38 years you have me, you got me, you got me. I wanted her to slow me down. I think in part she married me because I speed her up, I call her out of her comfort zone. When I shop for her, I buy more daring stuff than she would ever put on herself like what she got on right now. I pick out her stuff, I get jazzy boots, I get her to do her hair up in crazy stuff. I call her out 'cause secretly, up under that introvert is a wild woman, I knew it was in there, I knew it was in there and I wanted to call it out. She says only I can, the problem is what attracts you, later annoys you; am I helping anybody? And then you become the messiah, you're gonna go fix her and she's not broke, or you're gonna come fix me and I'm not broke, so what do you do when you marry your opposite and you're trying to build a home?
This was the dilemma that God was in, God fell in love with man, God lived in eternity and man lived in time, God lived in the celestial man lived in the terrestrial. We were two different species altogether, he was holy, I was unholy, he was righteous, I was unrighteous, he was good, I was bad, and yet he fell in love with me, and married me, and married me. So, if you being by nature holy, it's not my nature to be holy at all, okay? I can practice it and I could work on it but you know. You know now, I told you when I came to you, you wasn't getting much but opposites attract. Because I married you 'cause I wanted you to save me, I married you because I want you to save me from me, so how are we gonna have fellowship when we are so different, one from another?
He says, "I can't live with you but I can come visit", so what I learned in the relationship is even though I can't live in her spa I can come visit it, and she can't live in my hip hop, come on over, come hang out for a while, because when you come hang out in my... oh, I ain't dead yet, don't let the gray hair fool you, baby, don't let the grey hair fool you... when you come hang out in my orbit, I feel loved. When you come and hang out in my orbit I feel loved. When your children get older, when they're younger your way of bonding with them is to carry them with you into your orbit, when they get older carrying them into your orbit is not enough, they want you to come into theirs.
So instead of coming in my room to talk, they want me to come into... I didn't realize, as a parent, that walking through the house saying, "Everybody alright"? wasn't a visit, 'cause I walked through the house saying, "Everybody alright"? and they say, "Yeah, we doing good", I'd say, "Oh, fine, that's good, I have enough problems deal with so I wasn't looking for nothing". I went on through the house, I'd say, "All is good", and I wondered why we weren't getting closer: I wasn't visiting enough. So if you love somebody come visit them.
The reason we're talking to you about what goes on in your house is that if you have victory (yeah, what goes on in our house) if you have victory in your business and you have victory in your church and you don't have victory in your house, how can it be an amazing 2020? It can't be a victorious 2020 when you don't like to come home, it can't be a great 2020 when you won't even entertain companionship, not because you don't want it, because you're too stubborn to change anything. Some of them wanna look like they're about to kill me, baby, we gotta go out the back door. It can't be a great 2020 when you and your daughter are snapping out at each other all the time and you are miserable at home, because you divorced her daddy but you can't divorce her; and you talk to her like you wanna kill her but the truth is you love her, and most of the time you end up talking like your mama, and you didn't like it when you was eating it and now you're cooking it.
Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me. It is more important that you be happy at home than anywhere else you go, it is more important that you have joy, that you are refueled, that you are confident, that you have someplace to nest and to nurture, it's critical. If Jesus had to get away from people you have to get away from people, Jesus went apart in the mountain, left everybody, the 5.000, the 70, the 12, and even the 3, he said, "See all y'all, I'll be back in a little while". And every time he came back, he came back doing miracles, walking on water, doing amazing stuff because he was able to get away. You need a place where you can hibernate, regenerate, refuel, reinvigorate, without having to fight your way into the house and fight your way out of the house, and be stressed out all the time.
You don't have a place of peace and so what I want to give you for 2020 is a place to lay your head, before you find a Delilah, before you end up somewhere else. I want to create a space where you can lay your head, and refuel, and dream your dreams; and show you a model of how home can be better, because I am a living witness that more money will not fix this. More business will not fix this, come on with me, baby. More business will not fix this, another dress will not fix this, more extensions in your hair will not fix this, false eyelashes will not fix this, getting new hips will not fix this, getting a tummy tuck will not fix this, getting another wig will not fix this. None of that will fix this, this is not about aesthetics, it's not about income, it's not about summer homes, it's not about yachts, it's not about cottages.
Let me tell you something, being miserable is an equal opportunity sport, you don't have to be black to do it, you don't have to be broke to do it, you don't have to be illiterate to do it. You can have more degrees than a thermometer and be miserable as hell; you can make all kinds of money and be a billionaire and jump out a window and commit suicide. You can be fine as a glass of expensive wine and be miserable as all get-out because nobody really sees who you really are down on the inside, and you get tired of being other people's toys. You can be a spiritual, talk in tongues, pray in tongues, sing in tongues, lay out in the spirit, talk in the Holy Ghost, and go home to a living hell every day.
You cannot take Jesus to be your husband, you've got to have a place where you don't use spirituality to anesthetize your pain, church wasn't meant to get you high because you can't cope with life. Jesus didn't say, "I come that you might have church", he said, "I come that you might have life and have that life more abundantly", do you hear what I'm saying to you? The only thing preachers want to talk to you about is having church, church has no purpose if you have no life. Church is just a gas station where you fill up your tank with gas so you can drive out of here and live your victory outside of this church.
I don't need you to be victorious in here, I need you to be victorious out there. I don't need you to dance in here, I need you to dance in the mall and dance in your life and dance in your living room. I want your joy to be full, I want your joy to be full, I want your joy to be full, I want your joy to be full, can I caught this thing out? There's one footnote I gotta tell you, I should've told you earlier but I gotta tell you now. We always tell you that the art to relationship is communication but communication, arguing is listed like communication, communication isn't you proving your point, that won't save the marriage.
If all you wanna do is score points and win the trophy of aloneness, keep fussing, and you will fuss yourself 'til you're by yourself. And that might be cool at 30 and it might be cool at 40, and it might be okay at 50 'cause you make enough money that you can buy up the bacon and fry it up in the pan, but when you get about 70 and can't remember where the pan is you need somebody in the house with you; you need somebody that loves you, you need somebody that can help you, you need somebody that cares about you. Don't buy this garbage the world is teaching, people who have love live longer, statistically they live longer, they heal faster, they recover from diseases more readily, just because they got somebody in the house.
It is so important that if you've got a cat you'll live longer, if you get a puppy you'll live longer. So I don't have to be a perfect husband, if I bark and eat and you let me out to pee I'll keep you alive. So what you got the promotion? So what you got the Bentley, and you got the house of your dreams, and your living on top of the hill, and you got all this nice stuff and nobody to see it? What good is a song if nobody hears it? What good is a painting if nobody sees it? What good is a fine home if nobody comes over? And so we need the God of our church to become the God of our home.