TD Jakes - Winning at Home
TD Jakes: Because once people respect you and then found out you are human, they reject you. Am I talking good? So, winning at home implies it's a fight. You can't win if it's not a fight. And let me tell you something, I know you sitting there looking all cute, grinning, sitting beside each other, but I know you don't grin every day like that at home. Can we be real for a minute? You can love somebody that gets on your last nerve, I mean, your very last nerve. My wife has a box in her bathroom, "Mama's last nerve". Okay? They can get on your very last nerve. It is difficult to hold it together, and I'll tell you why, because you care, because you care. I can have somebody weird at work, or what I deem is "weird," because I leave. My time at home is so little, that when I do get to get home, that's a big deal. And what happens is, when you are miserable at home, you run from the house, which is exhausting, which means you create work to avoid the fact that you're not winning at home. Can we be real for a minute? And when it's stage time, we walk out on the "stage, Praise the Lord, Everybody, praise him. Oh, bless the Lord. Oh, glory to God. Good to see you". But the reality is, it's hard to raise your children. I don't care whether you are in the pulpit, or in corporate, or in business, we are not winning at home. We're making the money. We're climbing the corporate ladder. We're in the C-suites of America, we're breaking in and out. We're starting businesses, we're starting companies, we're doing stuff, but it is hard to have a stable relationship while you go after dreams, because everybody wants more of you, and you don't always have enough to go around. Demanding careers of any kind require great focus, and great focus is at the expense. Kids require great focus. The more children you have. I was talking to somebody, Baby, she said to me, "I made it through the hard part". She said, "They out of diapers and stuff, I made it through the hard part". I thought, "Child, don't you get up here and teach that". You see how everybody laughing at that? Everybody laughing at that, who got gray hair, dyed hair, or somewhere in between. They know, "You ain't seen nothing yet". You gotta make it through adolescence. You gotta make it through all kinds of stuff that these preachers are testifying about that they were drug dealers, and on drugs, and selling drugs, and crack heads, that was at an earlier age and stage of life. You gotta steer through that traffic, feeling like their self-discovery is your failure.
Serita Jakes: Yeah, that's true. That's very true.
TD Jakes: So, whatever they experience, you blame yourself. And so, if you were busy working, building, doing, going, evolving, then you regret that. If you're at home all the time, you say, "Well, maybe I didn't give you the right advice. Maybe I". Everything that goes wrong is not about you. My wife had to learn every time I come home and, every time that I come home and I'm not talking, it doesn't mean I don't like her. It doesn't mean that I'm mad at her. It doesn't mean every time I flip out, freak out, get weird, act strange, it is not about you. So, you don't need to fix nothing. You don't need to fix, you don't need to change anything. You don't need to fix me. It is not your job to fix me. It is not my job to fix you. It is my job to love you broken, because if I can love you broken, maybe I can love me broken.
Serita Jakes: That's right.
TD Jakes: If I can't love you flawed, then I really don't love myself flawed. Talk to us.
Serita Jakes: Wow, you said a mouthful. You know, when you said that it's not your job to fix me nor mine to fix you, the thing that I realized that was most important to you was that I fixed our home. He gave me a house and it wasn't what you wanted to give me, but to me it was the world. He gave me a house, and then we went to Goodwill, and we went to Salvation Army, we went...
TD Jakes: That was a long time ago...
Serita Jakes: Yeah, this wasn't, but you know, it was a long...
TD Jakes: I just want to put it in context...
Serita Jakes: But it's relevant to where we are now...
TD Jakes: Absolutely.
Serita Jakes: Because if you hadn't been able to give me a house, I couldn't practice on making a home. And so, I found out that wherever you are, wherever your heart is, that's your home. So, to me, I had to make certain that wherever you went, you felt like you were still in a home safe environment. And we didn't, let me tell you, I was teasing Sarah because she was one of our WIC babies. She and Cora were our WIC babies. Jamar and Jermaine were our Cost Right Diapers, with duct tape around them because they were falling apart. You don't get to be a "home" because you've got everything that you need. You get to be a "home" because you are committed to creating a space of peace and tranquility, not just for somebody else, but for yourself. I often wonder why David was on the rooftop and peakin' at Bathsheba. And I thought, "Well, the Scripture says it's better to be on the rooftop than dwell in the house with a brawling woman". Dr. James, help me. Could it be that he was on the rooftop because Michal was raising...?
TD Jakes: Right?
Serita Jakes: I mean, you know, they were celebrating David. He was out killing lions and bears and just going forth, and the women were dancing, and he came home and his wife was complaining because he was celebrated. How often is your house not a "home" for either of you because of the rivalry? The voices from the outside have crept through the windows and made you discontented. And this is your friend. You're my buddy, and I want what's best for you, even if it's not me. Now, I'm gonna say, I'm not gonna leave the Potter's House. I'm gonna sit in the balcony and roll my eyes and say, "But he can preach, but he ain't nothing". But let me tell you, you've got to concentrate on making your house a "home," where you're comfortable with yourself. Some people, you don't even like you. You don't even like yourself. Not what you see in the mirror, but what life has done to you has broken your house down, where the walls are leaning, the steps are collapsing, because you don't like you. And so, you make it miserable for everybody around you. You act like the couch is broken all the time. They ask you, "Where can I sit"? You don't have anywhere to sit because you're so discontented, and life has dealt a lot of you deadly lethal blows. I get it, but let's do some renovating. Let's do some renovating. Babe, talks about us not having anything, and to me, that's why we're here, because it's not the "things," you know, it's not the "things". I like it, but I don't have to have it.
TD Jakes: See, that's the truth.
Serita Jakes: I like it.
TD Jakes: She don't care.
Serita Jakes: I like to get gussied up, and the Ripley's are here; they gave me my first designer purse. All of those are things, but who I am? Things didn't make me who I am. It was the "Struggle Pam". It was the no lights, and no water, and broken down shoes. One of his ex-girlfriends gave me $5 because she saw runs in my hose. Do you not understand the opportunity that you have at this leadership summit, to make a home?
TD Jakes: You invested in your career. Are you invested in your children? I don't care whether they're in the church or not. I don't care whether they finished college or not. I don't care whether they did what you wanted them to do. I don't care if they went out there and did something different, that you don't approve of. I don't care if they had drag. I don't care if they broke, busted, and disgusted. I don't care if they got a girlfriend, a dog, and slept with a cat. When you get COVID, and you are hooked up to a respirator, let me tell you what, girlfriend is coming in there to wipe your head. Be glad to see them. Don't be so self-righteous just because their sin is different than yours, that you mess around and alienate your children and lock them up. I'm talking about winning at a home is not about winning on stage. Winning at home is about winning at home. It's not about winning on stage. It's not about using your kids as props in your play. So, if they don't go to church, you're still my son. If they do go to church, you're still my son. If you sing in the choir, you're still my daughter. If you preach, you're still my daughter. I don't love Sarah because she can preach. I don't care whether she can preach or not. I love Sarah because she's my child. I loved her in dirty drawers. Sorry. Performance-based love is not winning. Performance-based love is not winning, and we're tempted in the church, to try to script our children for a photo op. And then, if they're not photo-ready, you're embarrassed by somebody who would die for you. So, what we're saying, as we close today, is that God wants you to get the victory, yes, in the building fund. Get the victory as an entrepreneur, that's wonderful. Get the victory and get your doctorate degree, that's wonderful. Get the victory and climb your mountains. Get the victory. The rumor that I don't support women in power is insane. My mother was a woman in power. My wife is a woman in power. My daughters are a women in power. You could not know my daughters and think that because both of them got opinions about everything. I have no problem with women in power. I want, half of my executives are women in power. My CFO is a woman in power. My new CEO is a woman in power. I don't have no issues with women in power. I was preaching women when other folks said, "Women wasn't supposed to preach". I founded "Woman Thou Art Loosed". Get out of my face. Just because somebody says something that you don't like, don't let people tell you who somebody is, that has got 30 years, and 40 years, and 50 years of support. I founded "Woman Thou Art Loosed". I raised up women that you never saw and never heard of in your life. How dare you say that I don't support women in power! It's a lie from the pits of hell. That's why I don't defend it because a lie always got an expiration date, but a truth is gonna live forever. I have...women hear me, I got your back. But rest assured, just because I don't call you, don't mean I don't love you. Just because I don't call you, just means that I stay in my place. I stay in my place. Are you staying in your place? Are you standing your ground? You're talking about buying land? Are you standing your ground? Your house is your ground? It's a ground wire. Are you standing your ground? Are you gonna give up your ground wire?
Serita Jakes: No! No!
TD Jakes: Somebody holler, "No". Go get your daughter. Go get your daughter. I don't care if she's rude and disrespectful. Be the bigger person. Don't pull out your AK-47 on her just because she got mad. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue almost in two because my gut reaction, if you come at me wrong, or I perceive it to be wrong, or it's got the wrong voice inflection, because of the multitude of diapers that I changed, I participated, I changed diapers, I burp people, I carried my grown son on my back. He had surgery and he was in pain and he was crying. He's 6'4". I'm old. I put him on my back like he was a baby because he's my child, and I was patting on him and trying to help him because I love him. I flew from Nigeria to get back home, to get by my oldest son's bed because he had a heart attack. I'm gonna be there. Why in the world would I cut you up? Why would I turn my weapons loose on you? Even if you turn yours on me? I'm not saying I won't defend myself, but I won't go where I could go, because once you go where you could go, either them toward me, or me toward them, you can't get that back. Once you start really letting me have it, don't you think, "I'm sorry"? is gonna make me get amnesia, because you know what I'm gonna be thinking? "So, that's how you really feel". Which one of you is the real you? You know, I'm talking about internal conflict. This is hard.
Serita Jakes: Same.
TD Jakes: This is hard. What I'm talking about is hard. Winning at home is hard. The devil would rather you win anywhere than win at home. Can you imagine being Jesus's mother? She raised him. She hid him. She moved. She went down into Egypt to keep them from killing him. She carried a controversial baby in her womb even when Joseph was gonna get rid of her, and then she followed him all the way to the end. And when she came to church, they said, "Your mother's at the door," and Jesus said, "Who is my mother"? How do you think that felt? Yet, when he is bleeding on the cross, she is standing there watching him bleed on the cross, not just as a person in need of redemption, she was saying, "He's your Lord. He's your Savior. He's your Wonderful Counselor, your Kinsman Redeemer, your Daystar, your bulwark, your trumpet, your peace. He is a consolation of Israel. But to me, that's my baby on the cross. For you, it's who's gonna sit on his right side, and who's gonna sit on the left? But that's my son on the cross". May I never know what that feels like. I don't even want to feel that, I want to live and die and never see my children bleed. Some of you have lost your children and you know the pain, and sometimes we find out too late how valuable people are, and we love them better dead than we do alive, and we come to the funeral screaming over things we should have said when they were living, and when the Bible says, "Neither give place to the devil," it means territory, and family is territory. I can't imagine. I can't imagine. After 41 years, I can't imagine. I'm not perfect. I'm flawed. I'm weird. I'm strange. She peculiar. I can't imagine living without her. Mm. I can't even think about it. I don't need her talent. I don't need her career. I don't need her money. I need her. Anybody who thinks she's a prop, you don't know me. My wife passed out. I almost had a seizure. Paramedics in our bedroom, they said, "You can follow in the car". I said the devil is a liar. If anybody gonna be in this ambulance, I'm gonna be in this ambulance, in case she need me. Say something. Life is hard. It takes both of you to get through it. Not perfect you. Broken, flawed you is still valuable. If you messed up, you still got value. If you blew it, you still got value. We gotta teach this in the house because if the children don't see this, if they see how easily you can throw people away, when you need them, they're gonna throw you away. You're gonna die in a nursing home by yourself because you didn't teach stability to children. My son tells me, "I'm gonna take care of my mama because I saw you take care of yours, and I saw you feed grandma in the middle of the night" and he said, "It's in my nature to be a caretaker because you modeled it in front of me". Don't you be surprised if you get old and you won't have nobody by your bed because you never invested in winning at home. I don't care what you build, I don't care how many millions of dollars you make, I don't care if you get a billion dollars. A billion dollars can't wipe your mouth. A billion dollars can't clean your behind. A billion dollars can't take your temperature. A billion dollars can't see about you if you're in need. A billion dollars will not argue with the doctors and say, "No, that's my daddy, and why is he dirty, and you gonna do something about that"?
Serita Jakes: Yeah.
TD Jakes: So, figure it out.
Serita Jakes: Figure it out.
TD Jakes: Because I believe that family is the gymnasium that God gave us for love to exercise in.