Steven Furtick - Those who have wives should live as if they do not (Conflict of Interest) (02/26/2017)
In the final part of the "Meant To Be" series, Pastor Steven Furtick explores 1 Corinthians 7:25-35, where Paul advises that due to the short time and present crisis, it's good to remain as you are—married or single—emphasizing undivided devotion to the Lord, and concludes that those who are married should live as if they were not, holding relationships lightly to avoid conflicts of interest and keep Christ at the center.
Wrapping Up the "Meant To Be" Series
Hey, well, this is the end of our "Meant To Be" series. Yes, but before the Apostle Paul dismisses class, he has one more lesson for us. Turn in your Bibles, please, to 1 Corinthians chapter 7. We're going to be reading verses 25 through 35 for our study today. If you can do two things at once while you're turning furiously in your Bibles, would you help me welcome these e-groups that are on stage? Don't they look handsome and beautiful and precious?
Welcoming the E-Groups
Let's see, we've got Thomas and Tamika Rivera's small group from our Blakeney location. We've got an e-group from Rock Hill, Ryan Simmons men's group from our Rock Hill location. By the way, I am coming to Rock Hill for the Heart and Soul Night, October 2nd, so I'll see you at the Thrill on October 2nd. You know there's a Thrill on the Hill, don't you? They don't know at Blakeney, but if you're there, you know there is a Thrill on the Hill, and his name is Tim Farah, and he is thrilling. What's up, Pastor Tim, Rebecca, but we've got the Simmons men's group. We've got the Lake Norman e-group, Erica Hampton, and it's interesting how this is worded on my sheet. It says singles demographic, but everyone welcome. So I don't know if that's sort of an invitation built into the... But she's been leading in a group since 2012, but a new e-groups leader, so congratulations. And then we've got from our Uptown campus, Nisha Cornett's women's group, Uptown indeed. What's up, Uptown? And then sprinkled throughout to make the audience more youthful, you'll see my generation small... my e-group called Generation, and they're here. And I just got started with them. I do it once or twice a year for juniors and seniors, and we just got started this week, and it was pretty cool. It was a good start, wasn't it? Yeah, it was good. It was good. It was good.
Learning to Look Interested
And they're going to sit up here and look interested because this will be their third time hearing the sermon, which is, by the way, a very important skill to learn if you want to get married—is to look interested when you're hearing things that you've heard before. So it's an object lesson. Acting fascinated. It's an art form. Have I already told you this? Yes. Which does not mean she's going to stop telling you. By the way, didn't Holly rock the sermon last week? Didn't she rock it, y'all? Holly Furtick. Didn't she do great? I think after the overwhelmingly positive response that she received, I think I'm going to give her her own series here soon, the whole series. I'm thinking like a 14-week series in the Book of Ruth, and I'll go to Scotland for a sabbatical.
The Heart of Paul's Advice on Marriage and Singleness
As we study this passage today, we want to talk one more time about the Bible's best-kept secrets about sex, marriage, and being single. If you missed any of them, go back online. We've been building a framework, but this week I think will bring us to the heart of the matter. So listen closely. I will read the Scripture. I'll make a few comments, and then I just want to pull out a few ideas in our remaining time. 1 Corinthians 7, verse 25. Paul starts off saying,
Now about virgins…
Isn't that always an awkward way to open a conversation? If you don't think that's awkward, try it this week in a conversation. Just as an icebreaker. Does it work? I'm about virgins.
And then just look at them.He says,
I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who, by the Lord's mercy, is trustworthy.
Here's what I take from that. Paul says there's not a chapter and a verse for the advice I'm about to give you, but if you have the Spirit of God inside of you, you don't always need the Bible to tell you everything to do and not to do. A lot of the questions we get, and I looked over some questions this week so I could work them into my sermon that people in the church had been asking. And a lot of them are like, well, how far can I go if we're not married? And can we do this? And can we do that? And they almost want, is there a Bible verse saying that I can't do this? And it's like, well, you don't always need a verse to tell you what's right and what's wrong. Sometimes you just got to know on the inside what God is telling you.Trusting the Spirit Over Rules
There's not a Bible verse for everything. There's not always a clear scriptural command, but God's given you his Spirit, and he's given you a conscience, and he's given you the ability to know sometimes this is not right. And when we ignore that, we do it to our own detriment. So Paul said that, by the Lord's mercy, I have some advice to give you. Because, verse 26,
of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is.
That's not what culture is preaching. Culture is preaching, you know, newest, bigger, better, faster. Paul says, right where you are, right where you are, God is there. Wherever you are, God is there. And there may be new things he wants to do in your life and new places he wants to take you. But in the meantime, be where you are, be where you are.Because there was some kind of crisis he's referring to in Corinth, a crisis of morality to be sure, and maybe something else was going on. But he says, it's good for a man to remain as he is. Verse 27,
Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released.
Oh, some of y'all can't get God to bless your marriage because all your focus is on escaping it. And God can't bless it till you commit to it. How's he going to bless it with your hand all up on the back door looking for the fire escape all the time? But when you embrace where you are, God can bless it. And he says, don't seek to be released. Marriage is not a prison that you're trying to get out of time out for good behavior. He says, be blessed where you are.Embracing Your Current State in Christ
And then he says,
Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife.
And single people right here, you know, you may take issue with that. But he's going to build some logic that's pretty hard to argue with. And he's going to say that singleness is an advantage in serving God. And so let me read it. I didn't say that. Paul did. He said, But if you do marry, you have not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life.
And all the married men said, you better not say anything. If she's here sitting next to you, you better look confused at this point. Huh? Trouble.Those who marry will face many troubles in this life. And Paul's almost like the single dude who's just really negative about married people. He said, I want to spare you this. And almost as if he can feel our confusion registering, he sees that Elevation Church is highly confused by this line of thinking because it's so different than everything we've ever thought and heard. He said, all right, verse 29,
What I mean, brothers and sisters, let me break it down, is that the time is short.
I got fascinated studying different interpretations of this. Some scholars say that Paul thought that Jesus was about to come back any minute. And he didn't think that he would even live long enough to die because Jesus would come back first. And so maybe he thought that, or maybe he's just referring to the fact that even if you live a hundred years, in comparison to eternity, if you believe in the concept that your soul lives on forever and this life is not all there is, in comparison to that, time is short.The Days Are Long, but the Years Are Short
It's funny how many people give me parenting advice. I don't know if it's because I sound like a horrible father from the sermon illustrations I share. That's possible. But maybe just try and help me out. And especially if they have kids that are a little older and they say, you know, it flies by. That's what they usually say. And I actually preached about this in a series called Times and Seasons. And I used a quote that helped me a lot where they say, the days are long, but the years are short. And what they're saying is when you're in the middle of these days where, you know, you don't want to be a dad or mom, you just kind of want to do your own thing. It feels like, man, this day is never going to end. It feels like this stage is never, we're never going to get out of the stage, but you'll look back on it one day and go, where did it go?
And so people are trying to help me. They're like, hey, don't miss recitals and don't check out and give it your all because it's flying. I know it doesn't feel like it's flying, but it's flying. And so Paul wants us to have that perspective. You'll see why in a moment he says, time is short.
From now on, those who have wives should live as if they do not. Those who mourn as if they did not. Those who are happy as though they were not. Those who buy something as if it were not theirs to keep. Those who use the things of the world as if not engrossed in them for this world in its present form is passing away.
Living "As If" – Holding Loosely to Life
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs, how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—I love the archery term right in the middle of the passage. He's like, quit living your life just shooting in all these directions and then draw a target after you shoot. And just, okay. He's like, put something on the wall. And aim for the center. And he said, like, your aim should be, and he defines it, single or married, but here he's talking about singleness. He said, his aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.
See, the worst thing in the world is not to be single. The worst thing in the world is to be aimless. To not even know what am I getting up for, what it's all about. And you can have an aimless marriage. You can raise a family aimlessly. But not if you come to this church, because I'm going to preach about hitting that target and aiming straight. And he says, his aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. Listen, and he said, verse 35, we'll stop with this one, not stop the sermon, just stop reading.
I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
Believing God's Words Are for Your Good
I've been staring at this passage a long time, and God's given me some clarity. I want to key off on verse 29, where he says one of the most bizarre things that I've ever seen in the Bible. He says, time is short. From now on, those who have wives should live as if they do not. The title of this final installment of Meant to Be is, those who have wives should live as if they do not. Is this not the strangest, possibly worst marriage advice that you've ever heard in your life? And we're going to talk about it today. Taken out of context, this could create some problems.
Those who have wives... Think about what he's saying now. I know some of the Bible just sounds like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you... But think about this. But those who have wives should live as if... Everybody say, as if. As if. They do not. So I want to break this down like Paul broke it down. Just a few things, a few topics. I'll give you three. And these will be what you can discuss in your e-groups. By the way, they gave me the stats. Over 9,000 people are in e-groups in our church right now. Great job to our groups department. Of course, these statistics did come from Jay Rabin. So they might be exaggerated. Just a little bit. 972 total e-groups. And 738 went through the meant to be material as we've been preaching it. So that makes me real proud as a pastor.
Conflict of Interest in Serving God
Getting down deep. It's one thing to talk it out in church. But it's another thing to walk it out in real life. And that's what you do in these groups. First off, let's talk from the passage about conflict of interest. I think what Paul is describing in the passage is a conflict of interest. He wouldn't have used that term because the term didn't exist. It's only recently been invented in the last several decades. And it's used to describe scenarios, professional scenarios. You've heard the term. It's a conflict of interest. We hear it in politics. We hear it in medicine. We hear it in the legal profession. It's a conflict of interest. You hear it in business, high-level business decisions about a conflict of interest.
What is a conflict of interest? I'll read you a definition. It may be kind of boring, but try to zone in. There's something important in here. A conflict of interest is a situation occurring when an individual or organization is involved in multiple interests. One of which could possibly corrupt the motivation. The presence of a conflict of interest is independent of the occurrence of impropriety. Just because there's a conflict of interest doesn't mean you're necessarily doing anything wrong. It just means that there is a great potential for you to get what's important mixed up. Therefore, a conflict of interest can be discovered and voluntarily diffused before any corruption occurs. So just if you know about it, it'll help you to build parameters to protect yourself from the consequences.
Keeping First Things First
A widely used definition: a conflict of interest is a set of circumstances that creates a risk that professional judgment or actions regarding a primary interest will be unduly influenced by a secondary interest. Yes, yes, I hear you, Jesus. I remember in the Sermon on the Mount when you said in Matthew 6:33, but seek first the kingdom of God. See, Jesus was listing all these things that people are worried about, all these interests, all these concerns, and he got to this part where he had listed all of it and all the things that we're responsible for and all the things that are part of daily living. And the people are listening and they're burdened just like we're burdened and they're multitasking just like we're multitasking.
And in some ways their life was even much harder because the daily necessities, the basic necessities were harder to come by. And Jesus said, but in light of all this, seek first primary interest, the kingdom of God, the way God does things and his righteousness and all these things, secondary interests, will be added to you as well. Now, if you thought I was giving you a business lecture when I was reading that definition to you, you missed the whole point. Because what I'm saying here is that what can happen in the halls of justice, what can happen in a hospital when you get the primary thing influenced by the secondary thing and the secondary thing becomes the primary thing and the primary thing gets edged out and the secondary thing gets screwed up. Because when you don't keep first things first, everything falls apart.
Singleness vs. Marriage: A Practical Advantage
And Jesus is saying, beware of this conflict of interest. Everybody say, first things first. I know it's so simple, but it is so important because we sabotage ourselves when we lose sight of it. And that's what Paul is saying here. He says, hey, it's easier to serve God when you're single. Single people are winning in some categories. It's easier. Like if you're single and you just want to give some money away, if you have money, you can give money away. No conversation, no committee meeting, no kid's college fund to think about. But now, look, as a married man, I'm responsible because the Bible tells me to provide for my own family. But the Bible also tells me to be generous with others. And now I've got attention. I've got a conflict of interest because I want to be generous toward others, but I also want to be responsible with my family. And sometimes it's kind of hard to know where one ends and the other begins. And I don't have a verse for that. And it creates a conflict.
But Paul says, there's a present crisis in Corinth. And because of the crisis, I want you to keep things simple. And it's not the crisis in Corinth that we're most concerned about. It's the crisis and the conflict inside of us. He says there's a conflict of interest. I preached a sermon earlier in the year called Death by Distraction. Does anybody remember hearing that sermon? Lie to me. Tell me you remember. You're real discouraging to preach about distraction. And then you get so distracted, you don't even remember ever hearing it. But I talked about being pulled apart.
The Pull of Multiple Callings
See, I have this theory. I don't know if it's correct. I'll never get to test it. But I think, if I could only have one calling, because we talk about marriage as a calling. And it is. But it's not the only calling you're going to have if you're married. You're going to be called to be a husband. Then you might be called to be a dad. Then you might be called to be a good employee. Then you might be called to be a good neighbor. Then you might be called to be a good soccer coach. Then you might be called to take care of your parents who took care of you. Then you might be called. So I feel like, if I could just do one calling, I think I could rock it to death. I really do. I think I could blow your mind if I could just do one calling. Like, I think I could blow Holly's mind if I only had to be her husband. I'm going to blow her mind a lot anyway, but even more.
Hey, back in antiquity, when the Bible was written, when the Old Testament was written, they had this thing where a lot of times the married man would get to take one year off of work just to focus on learning how to please his wife. How many want to bring that back? The year of pleasure, the mandatory year of pleasure. That sounds amazing. Let's vote that in. Can we? Do we know any congressmen? Can we do something about this? Anyone? Anyone? But I don't just have one calling. I'm a pastor. Okay. If being a pastor meant all I had to do was preach, you would listen to the podcast like you wouldn't even want to go to the movies. The podcast would be so good if all I had to do was preach.
Unnecessary Complications in Relationships
But then Chunks comes in my office on Tuesday and starts telling me about this building and this thing, and we've got to do this thing. And it's all important. But if I could just preach... and I'm blessed, man. As a pastor, a lot of pastors have to run around. They don't have a really good staff. We have a great staff, and they free me up to focus on what I'm called to do, the primary thing. But it's crazy how the secondary stuff just pushes it. And I have this theory, like, if I could just be a dad... Or I even think this about my kids sometimes. If I only had one of y'all... Not that I regret having any of my kids usually. Sometimes I do. But not that I regret it for a sustained period of time. But if I could just... And so I'll take them out one at a time, because I'm so much better at it one at a time.
Because I'm a man. And we can't do all three of your needs at once. Like, I want you this week, and you this week, and you this week. And then I'll do okay, maybe. And it would be great if I only had to do one. But now I took Graham to the football game, so now I've got to take Elijah to the arcade. And Abby now wants a donut. And so I'm just... I'm just like, oh, if I could just... If all I had to do was be a good dad to one of you, I think I could really impress you. But I have many callings.
When Good Conflicts with Good
And my call... Okay, so there's like conflict. There's conflict between the bad and the good. But what about the good and the good? Can I preach? So now I'm wondering, like, okay, how much should I focus on my job? And how many days a week should I travel? Because that's going to provide for my family. But am I not providing for my family what they need in order to give them what I think they want? And it creates a conflict. It's complicated. Everybody says it's complicated. Just admit it. Marriage is complicated. Relationships are complicated. It is complicated to bring two people from two different backgrounds together. Yes. Yes, it is.
Well, we used to fry our Turkey on Thanksgiving. My dad used to fry the Turkey on Thanksgiving. On Christmas, we used to have lights that were wrapped around the... And the dude's looking at her like, you knew I sucked at this stuff when you married me. Get your dad over here to hang the lights, if it's such a big deal. You know? Bring him on over. And it creates a conflict. It's a conflict. Well, we used to always… And then you're trying to figure all this out, and you thought money was meant to be saved, and she thought it was meant to be enjoyed, or vice versa. Paul is saying this. This is what he's saying. He's like, it's complicated. So go ahead and declare it, and maybe that will diffuse it, just to acknowledge the complication. It's complicated.
How to Spot Unnecessary Complications
When you're single and your friend asks you to help him move, you can just say yes. But what if Saturday was supposed to be for your wife? And it just… Do you ever feel divided? Divided? Divided? Divided? Anybody feel divided? Anybody feel divided? Anybody feel divided? Anybody feel divided? Yeah. And Paul's acknowledging that. So, the other day, I took Graham, as I mentioned, to a football game. Graham is our six-year-old, who's about to be seven, who loves sports, was always knocking something over with a ball. And I'm trying to treasure those lamps that he knocks over, because I know that, you know, time is short. And one day, I will long for broken glass on my kitchen floor, I'm sure.
And so, I took him to a football game. We actually had a great time. We wanted to go see number 89 play in purple. And we did that. It was great. And Graham is good for about a sermon illustration a month. He'll just say the best, most perfect thing I can put in a sermon. And he leans over to me during the Ravens game, and he goes, Daddy, they had just called a penalty for unnecessary roughness. And he goes, Daddy, I think unnecessary roughness is the dumbest penalty in football. And then he goes, football is about roughness. And he goes, so it's always necessary. It's never unnecessary. And I had explained to him, no, like, yes, football is about roughness, but there's a certain type of roughness that the players have to be protected from so they don't get their neck broken so they're able to play this game. There is a certain amount of roughness.
Uncomplicating Your Approach to Life
So I don't want to just stop with Paul saying, hey, it's complicated. It's always complicated. Because here's the thing. You can't always uncomplicate your life, but you can uncomplicate your approach to life. And by the way, that's what Lisa Turkhurst is going to be preaching about for the next two weeks in this church. So I'm just going to open this conversation up and it's going to be amazing. And you're going to get so much out of it. And I know that you'll be blessed and you'll be raving about it. See, I want to talk to you secondly about unnecessary complication. And here's where I want to hurt your feelings for a moment. We have a million ways of complicating situations unnecessarily. We all do.
In fact, raise your hand if you're in the unnecessary complication club where you know you're doing it and you feel yourself doing it and you feel everybody else around responding to you doing it. And so you invited three people over, but three turned into 30. And now you've got to wax the floors and you hate them as they're tracking in dirt to your house, which you invited them to. And you're sweeping underneath their feet as they're walking through your hallway. And you're cursing the day that you ever met them because it took you all week to get ready for this event that you organized in the first place. That could have been very simple, but you turned it into a production.
Paul's "Act As If" Principle
And now it's as if the camera crews are showing up any moment and your floors never get clean anyway, because they're dark oak. And so now you hate the people who... What did you just do? You just created a flag on the play, an unnecessary complication. Touch somebody and say, unnecessary complication. Are you being unnecessarily complicated? I like what Holly preached to the staff ladies on Thursday. She did this thing with the staff and the spouses of staff. Holly does these teachings that are kind of off the record, but you should try to bootleg a copy of this if you can, if you know anybody on staff. But she talked about becoming an uncomplicated woman. And she said something I thought was so powerful. She said, I'm complex, but that doesn't mean I have to be complicated. She had this whole thing about oak trees versus orchids. It was amazing. I'm going to let her put it in her series. That can be week 12.
Are you unnecessarily complicated? Paul kind of gives us a list of things. He's like, okay, act as if. Have you heard that phrase before? Act as if. Life is complicated. Corinth is complicated. Sexuality is complicated. Marriage is complicated. Singleness is complicated. But he goes into this description. He says, from now on, verse 29, those who have wives should live as if they do not. I'm confused. Paul, you told me in Ephesians chapter 5 to love my wife as Christ loved the church. Now you're telling me to live as if I don't have a wife. Is that how Christ loved the church? Does he just act as if we don't exist? Yeah, I hope not. Somebody said, I hope not. Me too. We're screwed. If Christ loves us by forgetting that we're there.
Don't Let One Mood or Moment Define You
So what's he saying? Read on. He says, those who have wives should live as if they do not. Those who mourn as if they did not. Those who are happy as though they were not. Huh? What are you talking about? Okay. The three most important events in someone's life usually would be a wedding. Paul says, those who have wives should live as if they do not. A wedding. A death. He says, those who mourn as if they did not. And a birth. Those who rejoice as if they did not. He's saying, don't let your life be defined by any one moment or any one mood.
And see, I was kind of confused about this passage because I just thought it was counterintuitive. I stared at it for weeks. I said, what do I tell them about this? Why did I decide to preach on 1 Corinthians 7? I don't get it. Love my wife as Christ loved the church. Pretend like she's not there. But then I got to that fourth one. He gives five examples. This is Paul's fab five. He's saying like, here's five really important things. He said, those who have wives as if they didn't. Those who mourn as if they didn't. Those who are happy as if they were not. The fourth one, I started to see it though. He said, those who buy something as if it were not theirs to keep.
Holding Relationships Loosely, Not Possessively
Huh? So you're telling me that my marriage is a trust, not a possession. And see, it's interesting. He uses a word here. The New Testament was written in Greek. And in Greek, the word that he uses means to hold on to inappropriately. When he says buy stuff and you buy stuff, don't hold on to it inappropriately. See, it's all in how you hold it. It's all in how you hold it. A relationship's life or death has to do with how you hold it. He says, it's how you hold it.
And then he says, here's the fifth one. He says, those who use the things of this world—Corinth was a very busy city, a very commercial city and a city of continual commerce. And he said, those of you who use the things of this world as if not engrossed by them. So it's how you hold it. And it's whether or not it has a hold on you. Now, what we do in marriage is we turn the marriage into something that it was never meant to be. I should call this series Meant to Be. I should have had the foresight to do that. We try to make marriage something it wasn't meant to be, and we try to make the other person something that they weren't meant to be.
And so the Bible says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing, but we try to turn a good thing into a God thing. And then we set up the marriage as an idol. And when the marriage can't give us what only God can give us, we become disappointed with the institution of marriage and the person we're married to. Paul says, you have to hold this thing differently, because if you hold it like this and if you let it hold you like that… He's using these examples. What a masterful preacher, because I thought Paul was just going on a tangent. He's talking about marriage, and he's talking about babies, and he's talking about dying, and he's talking about buying stuff, and I'm like, well, which is it, Paul? He says, it's all the same thing.
Keep It Simple with a Single Focus
I'm trying to show you that in the complications of relationship and in the complications of life, keep it as simple as possible. It's not simple all the time, but approach it with a single eye and a single focus. How do I know if I'm becoming unnecessarily complicated? Number one, and I've got a list that's quick. It's my fab five. How to know if you are being unnecessarily complicated in a relationship. Flag on the play. There's going to be a 15-yard penalty for each of these that you're guilty of, and do not nudge the person next to you. This list is for you. Find yours. It might be all five.
Number five, unrealistic expectations create unnecessary complications. Preach somebody! That's scary. Unrealistic expectations of other people. Well, you know, you're just not who I thought you were, like you're who I thought you were. You don't look the same as you did in the window display, either, once I got you home. So, hey. Hey. But I thought you would always. I thought you would always. And we make a good thing a God thing.
The Fab Five Signs of Unnecessary Complication
Unrealistic expectations of others. Unrealistic expectations of God. Some of you are expecting things from God that he didn't promise you. You're expecting him to make it easy. He never said the way would be easy. He just said that when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, he would be there with you. Now, if you think he said he would always take you up high and he always would take you through the easiest route, the path of least resistance, you're going to be mighty disappointed because of an unrealistic expectation. It's not that God is limited. It's just that we don't sometimes understand how he's promised to operate, so we get surprised and caught off guard. Then we want to walk away from our relationship with God.
Unrealistic expectations of others. Unrealistic expectations of your God. How about unrealistic expectations of yourself? Some of you are projecting your disappointment with yourself on other people, and you feel like everybody in your life is disappointed with you, frustrated with you, fed up with you. The reality is you're fed up with you. You're frustrated with you. You're disappointed with you because you're trying to do too much that God didn't call you to do. And now you're draining your relationships because your heart is like in a leaky bucket because you've got so many expectations of yourself.
Unexpressed Expectations Cause Trouble
You know, in marriage, what causes unrealistic expectations, of course, is unexpressed expectations. We never just talk about it. You can actually be in a relationship with somebody giving them what you think they need from you, and they don't even want it. And then neglecting to give them something that they really need. Like me and Holly, the majority of our tense conversations, I think, early in marriage, we never had like throw stuff across the room fights, but we used to get... I remember this question, such a simple question, used to cause so much unnecessary complication in our relationship. She would ask me, what do you want for dinner?
Now, when I hear, what do you want for dinner? I think you want me to choose what I want to eat. No. See, because marriage is subject to a lot of interpretation and there's a lot of guesswork involved. And so I would just answer because I think this is an essay question. And so I say, uh, pork chops. You know, I like your pork chops. She's a great cook. She wanted to do a nice thing for her husband and cook and all of that. And so, but then she'd say, well, I don't have pork chops. I get that. So I'm like, well, um, pasta. Well, we're out of angel hair. I have to go to the store or you have to go to the store. Um, can we make this multiple choice? Because... and it took us years.
She, I mean, she's really trying to do what she thinks a wife should do. She's like trying to give me food, but what she didn't know, there is only one thing that I really need dinner to be—soon. That's it. Soon. Now. I don't care. I don't care what it is. Beef jerky. Just now. Peanuts. Just now. I can subsist. I can compromise. I just can't starve. It took us years, didn't it? It took us years to realize you're trying to be helpful and I'm trying to be considered, but really it was just a... I mean, who knows if we would have got that years earlier, we might have seven kids. I don't know though. It could have been a whole different marriage. Oh, we got it now. Everybody say unrealistic expectations create unnecessary complications.
Avoiding Imaginary Scenarios and More
I had to really think about it. That's a pretty complicated point. How ironic. Unrealistic expectations. How about imaginary scenarios? You ever deal with any of those? It's unnecessary complication. You're allowing your energy to be eaten away by something that may not ever happen to you. And even if it does happen, why live through it twice? Once in your mind and once in your real life. I don't need a preview. It sucks enough as it is. And, um, I know we got to think about things and think into the future, but we can't live in the future. You can't affect the future in the future and only affect it from now.
So all this time we spend playing out stuff, there's all these conversations you have with yourself in your head. You know, I wonder who's texting him at this hour. She sounds hideous. Have you seen that commercial? She sounds hideous. I remember the Old Testament prophet Elijah, he went running one time, he went running from a woman called Jezebel, and Jezebel says she was going to kill him. And so he was scared he was going to die. So he ran. But years later, Jezebel died, but Elijah never died. When the Lord wanted to take him, he took him up to heaven in a whirlwind. He was one of the only people in history that didn't actually die. God just took him. And so he went to heaven, but without dying.
Running from Things You Won't Face
And God spoke to me one time about that thing. He said, you know what? Sometimes you're running from something that you're never even going to have to face. You're going to create complications by messing with it. Some of us, we create complications in our relationship by actually thinking that our wives want their problems solved. They don't. They want their problems heard. So just do it like this. Just like one-word answers. And she's walking you through the thing, you know, with her mom or whoever. Just go, what? Crazy. Stop. No. And she'll think you're the best. Try it for a week. That's your MMA, Monday morning application. Limit yourself to those four words. What? No. Stop. Crazy. Good things will happen.
Imaginary scenarios. So, you haven't noticed, but I've been preaching from a new device today. I'm trying to… I got this big iPhone, the 6 Plus. I'm so dysfunctional, and I know it. Like, okay, I want the little iPad and the big phone. What's wrong with me? Why? Well, I do actually have a good reason for this. I want to have all my sermons on my phone. In the little phone, I can't see it good enough, but I feel like on this phablet, I might be able to just preach from my phone. And what would be awesome about that is I could be a portable preacher.
Opting Out of Mental Noise
So, like, anytime, like, I could keep my sermons in my back pocket. And then if I run into you in the grocery store and say maybe you're going through a challenging time, I could just whip it out like a little pistol. And in the grocery store, church can break out, and I'll have a sermon for you. I'm going to try it on my phone. Touch somebody next to you. Say, whip it out. No, no. Um, they showed me, and I kind of wonder, you know, I really need the new phone, but I think I do, because how many of us can just agree together in Jesus' name that group texting is from the devil? It does not come from God. He is not pleased with it. It is not a blessing. It is a part of the curse.
But on the new, because up until now, at the old operating system, you just were stuck. If you got caught up in a group text about who's bringing the baked beans, it was just, you know, 19 rounds of awful. And, uh, but not anymore, because they got that. I got to show you this. Put it on the screen with the, um, this is a group text between me and chunks. And Huey Lewis, you know him as Larry Hubeka, and Wade Joy, you know him as Bill Strickland, and Josh Blackson, called Yoshi. Josh Blackson is the worst texter ever, by the way. Amen. He is indecipherable. If you ever get a text from him, delete it. Save your brain. It is Arabic, people. It's horrible.
Finding the "Leave Conversation" Button in Your Mind
And so, but look, you could do it on a group text. And, you know, before it was just back and forth. So we were group texting about something the other day. But look, they showed me this on the new operating system. And I'm sorry for the Apple product placement here. But look at the bottom of the screen. Do you see that option there? It wasn't on there before, but there's a new option for group text, and it's called Leave This Conversation. Thank you, Jesus. I'm kidding with excitement about this new button. You know, God told me to tell you, you need to find this button in your mind. You need to find this button. Because there's some conversations that are going on inside of you that are complicating your thought process. And they're messing with you. And they're sabotaging you. And they're bringing you doubt and discouragement. And it's not even what's happening. It's just, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if.
Oh, but you can find that button and say, no, devil, I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm opting out of this nonsense. Come on, tell somebody next to you. I've got one less problem without you. Imaginary scenarios. One less, one less problem. Uh-oh. You want the last ones? I can go quick. Do you want them? If you don't want them, I don't need them. I know I'm going to put them on the screen. I'll go quick. This might be what's unnecessarily complicating your life. Approval addiction. You got too many people showing up in the stadium to watch you make your decisions. You got too many members of parliament. Well, what's my mom going to think? Well, what's my mom going to think? Listen, listen. You need to listen to other people. But you can't live or die by the approval of other people.
Letting Go of Regret and Resentment
I could talk about that. I talk about it another time. I'm here every week. Lisa can do it next week. She'll do it next week. Do it next week, Lisa. Do it next week. Regret and resentment. And I put them together because, well, regret is what I did that's distracting me from what I'm supposed to do. Resentment is what you did that's distracting me from what I'm supposed to do. But what they both have in common is they're both supposed to be behind me, not in front of me. That's what Paul said. He said, Forgetting those things which are behind, I press on...
You're holding on. Some of you are holding on to it the wrong way, and some of you are holding on to the wrong thing. You're not supposed to hold on to anything back there. How can you take hold of what's out there? And so it's letting go back here. So we come into relationships and we bring all of these other people with us. Some of you are punishing your wife for something that your first wife did or didn't do. Distrusting and mistrusting your husband because of something that your father didn't do. And we'll never take hold of God's power in our relationships while we're holding on to regret and resentment, or while we're holding on to toxic secrets.
The Power of Confession
The stuff inside, it complicates life. Because see, now my life is about hiding. And there are men in the church who are irritated and aggravated with your wife. Because there's something that you're hiding in your own life. And there are places that you're going. There are things that you're doing. I think that's why, you know, we all deal with sin in our lives. But when you turn that sin into a secret, that's when it begins to sabotage you. Now, I see several people leaving. If you can give me five more minutes, I can finish this sermon. I'm still on time. That's why you have to get in one of these eGroups if you can, or get some people around you so that the sin doesn't become a secret so it can strangle you. Because the secret has power until you confess it.
Then when you confess it, the Bible says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us of our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. The only sin that God can't overpower is the one you won't confess. I said the only sin that the cross can't overpower is the one you won't confess. The only shame that the grace of God cannot cover is the shame you won't confess. And so we bring it out into the light so that we can live, as Paul said, in undivided devotion.
The Goal: Undivided Devotion to the Lord
This is the goal. Undivided devotion. Undivided devotion. Not to live with undivided attention. That's impossible. It's not going to happen until you die. Then you'll only focus on Jesus. But until then, my attention is divided, but my devotion doesn't have to be. That's what he said. Verse 35. Final verse of the series. It stands for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live. This is what God wants for you, single married. That you may live in a right way. What's the right way? In undivided devotion to the Lord.
So, my favorite marriage scripture that nobody ever preaches as a marriage scripture, because it's about two sisters, but I think it could really be about a husband and a wife too. I'll just show it to you real quick. Jesus is stopping through and he needs something to eat. It says they were on their way. This is Luke 10, 38, if you want to look it up later. All of you Sunday school people know where I'm going with this. But he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to Jesus. Is it a good thing or a bad thing to open your home to Jesus? Yeah. Think Martha loved Jesus? So, but she had a sister called Mary who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said.
Martha and Mary: Getting the Order Right
But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. Look how it said it. They had to be made. Like you can't get away from your responsibilities. You can't check into a monastery after church today. You can't take a year long sabbatical to get your... they have to be made. But the problem was her approach. She was holding, watch, because she came to him and she asked, Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me. That's crazy to me. Like all in that one little conversation, we just saw all five of these things. Unrealistic expectations. I thought she was going to help. Imaginary scenarios. The way I saw this playing out. Approval addiction. Don't you care, Lord? Regret and resentment. I hate Mary. And then toxic secrets. I want to kill her. So they're all five right there.
But look, he said, Martha, Martha. Verse 41. And I always heard preachers beat up on Martha. Martha, Martha. He didn't say it like that. I know he didn't. I know he didn't, because she was about to feed him. Jesus loved Martha. Martha, Martha. You are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed or indeed only one. Now I've been taught all my life to put Jesus first, but that doesn't work because that separates him out from everything else. Jesus, then my wife, then how does that work? Paul says, live as if Jesus was not first on your list, but that he was the center of your world. Not as if he was just first. Check, I went to church. Check, I read my Bible. Check, I prayed. Bring everything, all the relationships, all those needs and make him the center.
Christ at the Center of Every Relationship
Few things are needed or indeed only one. I hear you, Lord. Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these secondary interests. Mary has chosen what's better, and it will not be taken away from her. For this world in its present form is passing away, Paul said. But if we could get our focus, I'm telling you, church, if we could just have Christ-centered relationships, if we could make him the driving priority in our relationships, all these things, they'll line up, and they'll circle around the throne, and they'll have to bow to the lordship of Jesus Christ.
Stand on your feet. I'm praying. We're closing. Thank you, Jesus, for every marriage, every relationship, every one of your children who today have heard your word. Now, I pray that this word would not just be heard, but that it would be obeyed. That you would search our hearts, Lord. Say it out loud. Search my heart, Lord. Be the center, Jesus. Now, Lord, we ask that you would come and take your rightful place in our lives. We've been distracted. We admit it. And can I tell you one more thing? Hey, look at me one more time. It wasn't that Martha wasn't supposed to serve Jesus. I think it's that Jesus wanted her to sit at his feet before she served. She just got it out of order. Maybe that's why your relationships are struggling, because you got it out of order. Can you feel this? You got it out of order.
So, God, put us in order. We want to seek first, at the center, your kingdom and your righteousness. Jesus, thank you for your presence in this place. Amen.