Sid Roth - Overcoming the Spirit of Depression
How could this attractive bright artist and architect have become so depressed, she mutilated herself, and was suicidal. Next on this edition of "It’s Supernatural"!
Sid Roth: Hello. I'm Sid Roth your investigative reporter here with Lauri Mallord. How could an attractive artist, architect, tremendously gifted, everything to live for, want to mutilate herself? Want to be suicidal? How does this thing happen? Lauri, you're not only an artist, but you're a writer, and you wrote a book, and I'd like you to read something about your innermost feelings from that book.
Lauri Mallord: Oh I'd like to do that. "Sometimes I feel so scared, and so alone, wondering why I keep trying to smile; I feel like crying. Why me? Why am I so deep? Why am I so different? Or am I? I lay alone, unable to face reality; cold. The cut is so deep from my own knife, dropping red on the script as I perform the most difficult act: My life. Writing more each day; ‘The show must go on.’ ‘More make-up please.’ ‘I need a smile for this scene.’"
Sid Roth: Lauri, I'm going to take you back. I'm going to take you back to a time when you first discovered that you could prevent yourself from gaining weight by forcing yourself to vomit. Tell me about that.
Lauri Mallord: Well it's tough to go back there. It's like a violent nightmare; a really bad memory. But it really was my life for quite a number of years. And it is your life - Whether you're having eating disorders, or whether you're shooting up with heroin, or whether you're drinking all the time, and ruining your liver, and vomiting - it's that same kind of disgusting feeling. And I was really thin for a while and it was just great. It was like I'm in control. I had a little...
Sid Roth: Was the objective being thin, or was the objective being in control?
Lauri Mallord: The objective was being in control, by creating an environment where no one can touch you; but it becomes a prison, and it became an escape for me. And then I began to just use food or not food, either not eating or eating to deal with everything, and so it was how I regulated my whole life. So I taught myself how to throw-up, and it's very shameful and embarrassing at this moment. But the reason I share it is because it's a powerful testimony. I would just put my hands down my throat and vomit; and I had scars on my knuckles. And I would lay sometimes in my own vomit and my blood, because sometimes blood would come up, because I wanted to get every piece of food out of my body. And I also took drugs at the time. Not so much of a huge problem, but had just every obsessive behavior, the food being the worst one. And sometimes I'd lock myself in my room for like weeks at a time, have a little bit of food in there, but pretty much be isolated. Cut my own body. Just be so depressed that I...
Sid Roth: But why were you so depressed? What are the roots for that?
Lauri Mallord: Well I believe for me it stemmed from some abuse in my childhood, and just not knowing there was a dark side, like a dark force. like, I wish I knew as a kid, when I went to sleep at night, why I was so scared of the dark. But there is a God, and there is darkness, and now I understand that somewhere in my life, I either made a decision or played into that darkness, not knowing; and that darkness was trying to destroy me.
Sid Roth: It's sort of like - there used to be a cartoon strip with an individual that would have a dark cloud over their head.
Lauri Mallord: Right.
Sid Roth: Is that what - that's what it sounds like you're describing.
Lauri Mallord: Right. Right. Like I would go to sleep at night and have violent, violent nightmares of blood and murder, and demonic creatures, which I didn't believe in.
Sid Roth: Did anyone know this was going on, or did you have the nice Hollywood facade: "I’m happy, you're happy, everyone's happy".
Lauri Mallord: Yeah, I was "the girl on campus". I mean, was like a 4.0 student in architecture, I ran marathons, I did everything. I mean, not at the lowest points; at those points, I was completely incapacitated.
Sid Roth: What was your lowest weight?
Lauri Mallord: My lowest weight was 95, and I'm about - I was about 25 pounds thinner than I am now. I'm pretty thin now, but it was quite scary because I didn't have my menstrual cycle and that was scary, because as a woman I wanted to have children. But I didn't have it for six years, because my body couldn't cope with everything.
Sid Roth: And I don't quite understand this. You said that your knuckles or your fingers were cut. Why were they cut?
Lauri Mallord: Well because I jammed my hand down my throat so violently trying to get the food up and I would just keep vomiting until there was absolutely nothing but stomach acid or blood coming out so I would know I got all the food out.
Sid Roth: Isn't this life-threatening?
Lauri Mallord: Oh yeah. And I was in college about 1983, and Karen Carpenter, who was a famous singer, and I really loved her. And I remember just - it struck me so much, and I thought, "Oh my gosh, you can die from this! Like what am I doing"? So then I really tried to get out of it, and I couldn't get out of it. I mean, it just was worse; it just was worse. There was no way out of it.
Sid Roth: So it's almost like an alcoholic who says, "I can stop any time I want".
Lauri Mallord: Yeah.
Sid Roth: But you're really deceived. You can't.
Lauri Mallord: Yeah, yeah. I had no power, no control. And the more I tried, it seemed the worse it got, and then I was really desperate. And I tried psychology; Psychiatric care - they gave me medicine. I'm very rebellious or very intuitive, or something. I said "This is ridiculous. This is not going to help me. I have something inside wrong". I just knew something inside of me was wrong; something bigger than like pills and a chemical imbalance. I was diagnosed with all kinds of mental illness; I didn't believe it. I believed there was something else, but I didn't know what, so of course -
Sid Roth: Did psychiatry make you feel better?
Lauri Mallord: No. It made me feel worse.
Sid Roth: Why?
Lauri Mallord: Well actually, they would diagnose some of the symptoms. They were like, "You have this, this, and this", and I’m like, "I know that. Can you heal me? Can you help me"? I mean, it really frustrated me a lot. I was looking for answers.
Sid Roth: Now we heard terms: "anorexic", "bulimic". What is the difference between the two?
Lauri Mallord: Well "anorexic" is when you starve yourself and you just don't eat for, you know, whatever, but you become very, very, very thin. Bulimia can be if you're throwing up or you're having laxatives, and you're eating a lot of food, but you're getting rid of the food.
Sid Roth: Not only anorexic, not only bulimic, but just plain overweight. They're all out-of-control areas. And you know what? They're all life-threatening. Is there hope? Is there help available? Of course there is. That's why you're watching. Be back in just a moment.
Sid Roth: Hello. Sid Roth your investigative reporter here with Lauri Mallord. Now she had everything to live for. Just depressed, suicidal; nothing was working in her life. You would look at her; on the outside you'd say everything was fine, but on the inside, she's vomiting, she's fearful, she's having horrible dreams. You actually were mutilating yourself?
Lauri Mallord: Yes. And you know, quite a lot of people do that. Most people don't know, but I would hit myself or cut myself.
Sid Roth: Is it that you disliked yourself? What was the motivation?
Lauri Mallord: I thought I hated myself. I mean, I would say, "Oh, you're just so fat and you're ugly, and you're so like horrible, and you're so stupid", and I would just hurl these names at myself.
Sid Roth: You were weighing a hundred pounds or less and you're saying you're ugly, you're so fat, you're so stupid?
Lauri Mallord: Yes.
Sid Roth: My goodness.
Lauri Mallord: Sounds like I was listening to the wrong voice.
Sid Roth: Yes.
Lauri Mallord: Yes. I think that's a big problem these days is voices; there's a lot of voices out there. And I think there are the voices that we hear - whether we've heard them as a child and we tend to repeat them, or whether we hear from our friends, or whether we just come up with them ourselves - and it's very, very damaging.
Sid Roth: Are there many people that have the problems that you had in society?
Lauri Mallord: Yes, I believe there are very, very many. Just seven or eight years ago when I published the book, there was about 30 percent estimated college age girls that had bulimia or anorexia.
Sid Roth: Thirty percent?
Lauri Mallord: Yeah. But now I believe it's much more, and in fact, a lot of young men, a surprising amount of young men are vomiting and taking laxatives, and having anorexia, and eating, of course the compulsive eating where people get overweight. I mean, it is all the same thing; it’s just different outcomes.
Sid Roth: Okay. You're trying everything the world's got to offer. You're trying psychiatry, you're trying - you got into New Age meditation.
Lauri Mallord: Yes.
Sid Roth: Did that help?
Lauri Mallord: Yeah, well I was just surrounded by every kind of book you could imagine: self-help, and therapy, and alternate - all kinds of religions. The psychiatry thing, like I said, I had left that off. Although I was still thinking, "Okay, I'm mentally ill. Okay, now I'm really nuts, because I'm not doing anything about it". And - but I just - I needed an answer, and there were so many people in my life that also needed an answer, and they would come to me with their problems, and I'm like, "I have problems, too"; I go, "but I need an answer". So - and I believed Jesus was a man - just a good man, maybe a prophet - and I didn't believe He had the power that now I understand. But what happened was - and there's all kinds of "gods" out there (with a little "g") trying to, like, exalt themselves - and when people ask me now, they say, "Why do you follow Jesus the Messiah"?, and I say, "because when I needed someone, He showed up. And not only did He show up, He completely delivered me of every single ailment that I had". And I was wandering around just saying, "Who are You, God? I'm desperate; I need Your help". I mean, I couldn't function; I couldn't cope. I was living alone; I had no one to support me. I had to take care of myself as an architect, but I could barely work because I was always so, you know, exhausted from this ritual. And so...
Sid Roth: I imagine it zaps your strength.
Lauri Mallord: Yeah, completely. And there were really dark times. Like that's why the book is called "No More Black Days", because I'd literally black-out, and I would go days without remembering what I did, and it was very, very depressing. And I started asking God, "Who are You? Who are You"?, you know. "Who are You? Are You the God of the Bible? Are You the God of Mohammed? Are you the God? Are you Hare Krishna? I mean, who are You"? So I'm wandering around, and nothing; I'm not really here. I was talking to the air; I'm just talking; but I'm talking in faith, and I'm asking God. So one night I was at this Bible study, trying to learn about some things, and I heard to - "Call out to Jesus, because He will deliver you". And when I got home that night, and the lights were out in my apartment for some reason, and I had eaten like all the brownies at the Bible study.
Sid Roth: You were really doing it to yourself.
Lauri Mallord: It's so humiliating. And so I went in my apartment to throw up these brownies, and my insides were a mess, and I was just - I was literally a mess. And I just remembered what I just heard. And I just - I called out to Jesus. I said, "Jesus, deliver me". And I just - the minute I said His name, this breath - like a supernatural breath - sucked these demonic creatures off my body.
Sid Roth: Could you see these creatures? Did you sense it?
Lauri Mallord: I saw the creatures. They were like these transparent, fanged-looking creatures. Now at this moment, mind you, I don't believe in the devil, I don't believe in demons.
Sid Roth: Must have really...
Lauri Mallord: I don't believe Jesus is God.
Sid Roth: This must have really freaked you out.
Lauri Mallord: I was totally blown away. And the breath was so huge and so supernatural; like I said, it just sucked the creatures off my body, and I saw them go up, and I was like, I was completely undone, and I was completely stunned, and I didn't know even what to do at that point. I just stayed there in the bathroom. And I noticed I felt all this oppression and depression just lift off my body. I mean, completely.
Sid Roth: How did it feel to have that off - that cloud off - after all these years?
Lauri Mallord: It was like truth, like reality, like "… the truth had set me free"; like, His name is truth. And I realized, in a moment, that all that I had been through was actually demons and darkness, and the devil - Satan - wanting to destroy my life, and telling me to destroy my life. You know how when people commit suicide or they try to commit suicide, they hear voices: "Kill yourself" or "Kill your children"? I mean, what about that? You know, it was recently. So there really are demonic forces, and there really are evil. There really is evil; but if there's evil, we need to find out what is the one thing we can do to get rid of it.
Sid Roth: Well we're going to find this out. But how about you? Are you depressed right now? Are you going through it like Lauri was going through it? Well maybe not that bad, but maybe even worse? Are you suicidal? Are you desperate? Are you hopeless? How would you like the wind - the breath of God - to blow all that junk off of you? All of it away? Don't go away. We'll talk about this more, right after this word.
Sid Roth: Hello. Sid Roth your investigative reporter. Before we go back to Lauri, I'm believing that that breath, that wind that came upon her to set her free - and she's free - that same wind is going to come on you. But before we go back to Lauri, go to the control room. Janie, did you ever have problems with being bulimic or anorexic?
Janie DuVall: No, I've never had problems with that. But don't ask me if I've ever overeaten before. I mean, yes, I've had chocolate cakes and wanting to eat more and more of it. So but I just didn't have the other problem.
Sid Roth: Who's on next week?
Janie DuVall: A woman by the name of Patty Perior, when she was a young girl she was healed of several childhood diseases including a hole in the heart. But the unusual, but she has very unusual miracles, such as she had play money on the floor where, for her children, and she needed money and the play money turned into real money.
Sid Roth: I'm sure everyone is going to watch this next week. Thank you, Janie. Lauri, we were there at such a dramatic moment.
Lauri Mallord: Yes.
Sid Roth: You don't believe in demons. You don't believe in the devil, you don't believe in hell; all you know is you're depressed, and there's a dark cloud over you. You don't even understand how it came, but it's there. But you certainly don't know how to get rid of this dark cloud.
Lauri Mallord: Right.
Sid Roth: And all of a sudden - describe this. It was like you could feel a wind come on you.
Lauri Mallord: It was more like a breath from outside of myself, sucking the creatures off my body. It was so huge and so powerful, and so omnipotent. It was - absolutely blew my mind. And I'm realizing the name of Jesus; He has a "… name above every name", and that in His name, all darkness must flee. And His name, and he alone, is available to each and every person alone. I mean, here I was just surrounded by all this self-help, and here we are with all these different religions and doctrines. But when it comes to really needing someone to be there when you need them, you need God. And you need the real God to stand up, and at that moment He did.
Sid Roth: Lauri, there are people watching us right now on the edge of their seat because they're saying, "I relate to what Lauri is speaking about. That's me". Would you talk to some of them right now?
Lauri Mallord: Yes. Actually, I was praying for you last night, and I pray for you a lot. I pray for you with all my heart, because God knows where you're at. When you have addictions and you have secret bondages, it is so humiliating, and so private. And there's many of you just stuck in rooms, and you're wrapped up in these bondages, and you're completely surrounded by these ailments. And you think there is no way you're going to get free, like you're chained and you're bound, and you're searching. And you've been diagnosed out of your head. I mean, it's like diagnoses don't work unless there's a cure. So the cure to the "what ails you" is that we are in a spiritual world, and a spiritual battle, and there are forces waging against your soul, and against who you are, causing you to destroy yourself. And you can call on Jesus Christ. You can call on Him now, and He can raise you up from your circumstances; He can deliver you from the bondages; and He can heal you to the point that there are no scars. You know, it takes 20 years of therapy and you're still not better. You know, people say, "Well there’s always scars". There are no scars. I have no scars. No scars on the outside, and no scars on the inside. I'm completely, completely healed. That's why it's hard to even think about who that was. It's so amazing to me, but the compassion of the Lord is that there are people like that now. You might be like that. There are people suffering in these prison holes of their own making, and they're so desperate. And I'm just saying to you, call out to Jesus your Messiah, your Lord, your savior. He is the Lord of the whole earth. He's the King of all kings, and he's the God above all gods. He will set you free.
Sid Roth: You know what I'm reminded - you wrote a letter, and sent your book to Princess Diana.
Lauri Mallord: Yeah.
Sid Roth: And she responded, and you had a correspondence. But then you wrote her a letter, and you were afraid you'd never hear from her again. What did you say?
Lauri Mallord: Yes. Well it's hard to be a prophet of God. And I've been called all kinds of things: Psychic, guru; people call me everything you could think of. But in the Book of Daniel, in the Tanakh, Daniel moved in wisdom because he was close to God. He was close to "the God of Abraham". And he moved in "…wisdom ten times [greater] than the astrologers [and the soothsayers of the kingdom]". And Princess Diana knew that I had a gift from God, and it's a gift, like Daniel; that's all it is to be a prophet. And when, one year in 1997 in about April - I always prayed for her and kept her close to my heart - and I saw death covering her, and I didn't know if it was her or one of her family members. I didn't see that clearly, but I saw death over her. And I wrote her a letter, very urgent, and I said, "I see death covering you. I see death". And I said, "I don't know what this means, but just reconcile your soul to God, and reconcile to others". And I was so distraught when I sent the letter. I said, "I’ll never hear from her again". It's better to be, you know, I wish I didn't have to be truthful. But anyway, I didn't hear from her again, because she did die, four months later. And I prayed to God, and I believe she did read that, and I do believe she made much reconciliation before she died.
Sid Roth: You've just been listening to Lauri Mallord, a Jewish woman that knows what darkness is, knows what that dark cloud is, knows what hurt is, knows what it is when you have nowhere to go, and didn't think there was anywhere that she could go. But there was a place for her: The place was in someone's arms; the arms of God. Do you want to have the Lord's arms wrapped around you right now? Do you need that pure - I'm not talking about the love between a man and a woman, or even a mother and a child; but I'm talking about pure love. So pure, that darkness can't even come near it, because I'm going to pray for you right now, that His love will penetrate you. There are people here, you see, you have sinned. You've made lots of mistakes; we all have; I mean, we're human. But the good news is, God says, "I want to forgive you if you will repent. And I want to give you the power, such as Lauri has right now. I want to give you the power to be free, and to walk in that love, and to walk in that light, and fulfill your destiny, and not that darkness and that depression all over. Say this prayer with me and mean it. "Dear God, I'm a sinner. Against You, and you alone have I sinned, for which I'm so sorry. I believe that Jesus died for my sins, and by His blood, my sins are atoned for. They're washed away. And now that I'm clean, Jesus come inside of me. Make me feel - make the hurts go away. Make me complete. Give me a purpose. I need You. I need Your love. What Jesus? You need my love? That's what He's saying to you. He wants your love. God the Creator of the universe wants your love. You are special. Go for it.