Rick Warren - Finding The Love of Your Life - Part 2
Now, I’m gonna give you a list tonight from the Bible of things that must have, you must have in your life and in your mate’s life, boyfriend, girlfriend’s life, in order to marry them. Until these are right, you’re not ready to marry them and they’re not ready to marry you and they may not even ever be the right person for you to marry. Now, you can add to this list your own experiences. This is what I’m gonna give you tonight is the bare minimum. These are the minimum requirements for the marriage God blesses. These are the… if they don’t meet these qualifications, deal breaker. We must have spiritual unity. We must have life’s purpose compatibility. Number three, we must both be emotionally healthy.
Now, I did not say emotionally perfect. If you wait for the perfect wife or the perfect husband, it ain’t gonna happen. Because let me tell you what, we’re all broken. Eighty percent of all divorces come because one or both of the people in the marriage were emotionally deficient. They were emotionally immature. They were emotionally unhealthy. Now, I’m gonna give you a partial checklist of emotional health factors. These aren’t my opinion. This is what God says you need to avoid. And you need just need to avoid them, and you need to get out of a relationship. If you spot any of these, the Bible says, «You are asking for trouble». You don’t want trouble. So if you hear me teach this to you and then you go marry a person that has some of these in their life and things turn sour, you cannot blame God. You walked into it full on head knowing, «I’m gonna get married in spite of these factors,» okay?
Let me give you a list of factors. This is not all of them, but it’s a partial checklist of emotional health factors. Number one, whoever I marry must number one have no uncontrolled anger. Well, no uncontrolled anger. But I like the bad boys. Then there’s a word for you, girl, fool. Just fool. You’re just a flat out fool. Proverbs 22:24, «Do not,» circle that. «Do not make friends,» I think that would mean going out on a date. «Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man! Do not associate with one easily angered». If you see somebody who has uncontrolled anger, friend, the Bible says, run. Do not associate, do not associate with one easily angered. Cause if they don’t like themselves, I guarantee you, at some point, they’re gonna turn that anger on you and you are gonna be the brunt of it 'cause you’re gonna be closest. No uncontrolled anger. That’s a non-negotiable.
Number two, whoever I marry must have no addictions. No addictions. These are non-negotiables. Proverbs 23, verse 20. «Don’t associate,» there’s that word again. «Don’t associate with people who drink too much or stuff themselves with food». Let’s pause here for a little confession. Your pastor is in. Now, only two things are mentioned here, food and alcohol, but you know, there’s a 1000 ways to get addicted. You can get addicted to drugs. You can get addicted to pornography. You can get addicted to video games. You can get addicted to spending money, «I just love to shop,» run. Do I need to cover this point anymore? No, okay, let’s go on.
Number three, whoever I marry must have no uncontrolled anger, must have no addictions, don’t associate. Number three, no bitterness. Wow. They gotta deal with it before they deal with you. If your boyfriend or your girlfriend is carrying resentment from his past, now let me tell you this as a pastor who loves you. I love you. I’m trying to save you some pain. I have sat in the counseling room with marriage after marriage after marriage after marriage and watched bitterness tear it all down. Doesn’t matter if you both have great jobs, you’re both good looking, you got great kids, you got a good car, great family, everything, but if there’s bitterness there, it tears it out.
Bitterness is like a poison that eats you alive. Whatever you resent, you begin to resemble. «I’m never gonna be like my mother». Oh really? Yeah. «I’m never gonna be,» no, really? Whatever you resist persist. You start pushing a nail into wood, it starts resisting, it just goes deeper and deeper into the wood. You hammer it down. And what you need to resent, stop resenting, you gotta release it. Now the Bible says this. Hebrews 12, verse 15. «Make sure you all have experienced the grace of God,» now that would mean both the husband and the wife, the boyfriend, the girlfriend, everybody. «Make sure you’ve all experienced the grace of God so that bitterness doesn’t take root and grow because that causes much trouble and will corrupt». So you get rid of that bitterness 'cause bitterness causes much trouble.
Notice how many of these verses use the word trouble. It’s a very important question. Is to ask how do they treat their parents? «Yeah, well, they’re not marrying their parents, they’re marrying me». You’re right, but they’re bringing their parents into the relationship and they’re bringing a hit… You don’t marry a person, you marry a family. You may not like that, but you marry a family. Proverbs 20:20, «If you curse your father or mother, the lamp of your life will be snuffed out». What in the world does that mean? That sounds pretty, pretty, you know, strong. The lamp of your life was stuffed out. What does it mean? You’ll miss the life God intended. People say, «Why did God choose the parents I’ve got? I mean, my parents, they didn’t do diddly squat in my life. In fact, they hurt me».
But you know what? They’re your parents. And why did God choose those people to be your parents? Regardless of whether they were good, bad or terrible parent, God chose them, why? because they had just the DNA to create you and God was more interested in creating you than in their parenting skills. They may have been a terrible parent, but you wouldn’t be existing if it weren’t for the DNA of your mom and your dad. So, I’m not saying honor their sin. The Bible doesn’t say that. The Bible doesn’t say honor their abuse. The Bible doesn’t say honor their neglect. You have to honor the fact that God chose them because without them, you wouldn’t exist.
Number five, whoever I marry must not be selfish. Not selfish. Why? Proverbs 28:25 says this. «Selfish people cause trouble». The number one cause of conflict in marriage, when you boil it all down, you say, «How do you keep conflict out of marriage»? Simple, get rid of selfishness. Conflict comes because I want what I want, you want what you want. We’re both selfish and neither one of us are willing to budge. It’s immaturity, it’s selfish. And the more unselfish I am, then the more we’re gonna get along, the more unselfish you’re gonna be because it responds back to each other. Don’t go with with a selfish man. Proverbs 18, verse 1. «People who do not get along with others are only interested in themselves; they will disagree with what everyone else knows is right». Don’t point at him right now, please. People who don’t get along with others are only interested in themselves, they will disagree with what everybody knows is right. They make their living by being opposite. Don’t… selfish.
Now, the next one, this one may surprise you. But it’s a non-negotiable. The person I marry cannot be greedy. That’s what the Bible says. I’m only teaching you what the Bible says. And if you want a peaceful marriage, you want a successful marriage, don’t marry a greedy man, don’t marry a greedy woman. Proverbs 15:27, «A greedy man does,» what? «Brings trouble to his family». I would encourage you maybe to do a study on this. The damage that greed does to love. The damage that greed does to marriage, the damage that greed does to children, it does to families. If you marry a greedy spouse, you will be in debt your entire life. Proverbs 23, verse 6 takes it even more blatant. «Don’t eat at the table of a stingy person». Don’t hang out with those kind of people.
Now, one of the clearest signs of emotional health, this is now we’re getting on the opposite side, is the opposite of the last two, selfish and greedy. Bible says, «Run from that». If you see selfishness, she’s always talking about her, she’s only interested in her, he’s only interested in him or they’re greedy. They’re very materialistic. They’re very materialistic, the Bible says, «Run». The opposite of that, the two of the ultimate signs of emotional health are generosity and kindness. Generosity and kindness. And so that’s the next one. Clearest sign of emotional health is they must be generous and kind.
Now why do I wanna marry somebody who’s generous? Why is that important? Why do I wanna marry somebody who’s kind? Well, look at what the Bible says. «A generous man will prosper». Do you wanna marry a guy who prospers? Then you better marry a generous man. «A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed». They’re also far easier to get along with, but also kindness. Proverbs 11:17, «A kind-hearted woman gains respect, and a kind man benefits himself, but cruel people bring trouble». There’s that word again, trouble on themselves.
Notice, greed brings trouble. Selfishness brings trouble, bitterness brings trouble, addictions bring trouble. But generosity and kindness, that brings benefit. It brings prosperity, it brings respect. I only got time for one more. An emotionally healthy person tells the truth. Proverbs 20, verse 7. Why do I wanna marry a person who tells the truth? Because the Bible says this, «A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity, and his children will be blessed, even after he is gone». You want your children to be blessed, then you marry somebody who tells the truth.
Now, why is this so important? Everybody look up here. Love is based on trust, and trust is based on truth. If you don’t tell me the truth, I can’t trust you. And if I can’t trust you, how can I love you? Guys, if you lie to a girl that you’re dating, you’re gonna lie to your wife later on. Girls, if a guy’s lying to you about what he’s doing right now, he’s gonna lie to you even more when he’s married. I’m doing this because I want to protect you. Don’t marry somebody who doesn’t have integrity. But when you find somebody who’s got integrity, the Bible says that’s gonna bring blessing not only on you and your marriage, but on your kids too.
The Hollywood myth is that all you need to get married is romantic feelings, sexual attraction, want to get rid of your loneliness and then that’ll be it. Everything will be great. No, it won’t. Those are not the reasons to marry. You may be tired of being noticed or not noticed and you want to be noticed. Somebody pays you a little attention, you think, «I should marry this person. They’re paying me attention». No, do you have spiritual unity? Do you have life purpose compatibility? Are they emotionally healthy? Those aren’t, these aren’t reasons not to marry, she’s good looking and paying me attention. I could probably get a baboon to do that too, to you.
You say, «Well, come on, Rick. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anybody who fits this». Oh, really? I did and you can too. When Kay and I got married, Leonard Raven Hill, who was a great preacher of the previous generation, sent us a wedding card. I’ve never forgotten, he said this, «God always gives his best to those who leave the choice to him». I wanted God’s best in my life and I got it. And I wasn’t gonna settle for somebody who was…when I was in school, I was pretty popular. I was class president every year and student body president from 8th grade, 7th grade through my freshman year of college, I was president every single year. I was a party animal. And I dated a lot of really cute girls. Any of them would have been disastrous. Would have been disastrous for me because we didn’t have these issues.
And to build it simply on sexual attraction, the feeling of being noticed, the fear of loneliness, wanting to be loved, we share a lot in common, we’re having fun, those are all great things, but they’re not enough to build a marriage on. Let me give you some ending advice. Proverbs 6, look here on the screen. This is a passage actually talking about financial commitment, but it applies here too. «If you have trapped yourself in an agreement,» called dating, «and you’re caught by whatever you said, quick, get out of it immediately! Swallow your pride; go and get your name released. Don’t put it off! Do it now! Don’t rest until you do»! Shoot, blame me. Pastor Rick told me to do it. I don’t mind being the heavy.
Proverbs 28:23 on the screen. «In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery». So what I suggest you do is you don’t keep prolonging a relationship that you know is going nowhere. If you know it’s going nowhere, don’t continue it. «Well, I won’t have anybody to take me out on Friday night». A bad marriage is a million times worse than not going out on Friday night. And the longer you’re in a relationship, the more difficult it’s gonna be to get out of it. Does that make sense? So kind of size them up quickly. Write these down. Put them on a little card, pull them out the first date. «Let me ask you this questions. Do you have uncontrolled anger»? «No, I don’t». «Are you selfish»? «Can we talk about me»? «Are you greedy»? «Would you pick up the tab»?
You can figure this one out pretty quick. You don’t have to be that blunt, but if you want to get married, God bless you. The Bible says, «He who finds a wife findeth a good thing». It’s a good blessing. It is a blessing. It’s a blessing of God. You need to begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ yourself. If you haven’t done that, you need to start there. You need to get spiritually connected to God. Get that third leg of the stool already in your life. And then I wanna challenge all of you tonight to commit yourselves to God’s standard. I will not let oceans of emotion sway me into making a stupid decision. I mean, given the right situation, as I said, you can get a quiver in your liver. Oh, that thrills me.
And you fall in love with the idea of being in love, but don’t make a stupid decision. Don’t date until your own emotional hurts are healed or at least in the healing process and we can help you do that. Pastor Brad and Pastor Tommy and all of our other pastors can help you, we got all kinds of groups to help you deal with those things, get them done, get them settled, close the door, get rid of the bitterness, get rid of that. You got an anger problem? Fine. You can get rid of an anger problem. I’ve helped thousands of people get rid of an anger problem. But don’t carry that with you. I remember marrying a couple many, many years ago here at Saddleback and about five years later, we had them over for dinner. And the woman told me she said, «You know, Rick, when I walked down that aisle in that white dress,» she said, «I had no idea that I was carrying an entire bag of emotional garbage on my back and I took all that garbage into a marriage».
Friends, marriage does not create problems, it reveals them. You need to write that one down. Marriage doesn’t create problems, it reveals them. The problem was already there in you or in your boyfriend or girlfriend. It was already there and the more you can deal with it before you get married, the happier your marriage is gonna be, the more God honoring it’s gonna be, the more fulfilling it’s gonna be and you will have that deep soul intimacy that is personal, it is relational, it is sexual, it is spiritual, it is the oneness that comes from being unified in our relationship to God, our relationship to our purpose, our relationship to our calling, our relationship to each other.
Discover and clarify your mission first. Get involved in a church. If you’re not a part of Saddleback Church, welcome. We welcome you to be a part of Saddleback now. You’re not gonna go find what you want sitting at home, and you’re not gonna go find it in a singles bar either. Go slow. Find out all you can about their family background. And then once you’ve decided to get married, get premarital counseling. There’s so much more I could say, but our time’s up. Let’s bow our heads.
Father, we’ve got all kinds of needs represented here in this place. We’ve got some marriage couples who are struggling with their relationships. They’re single adults who’ve been hurt in a previous marriage. There are those who would love to be married, but the opportunity hasn’t arisen. Regardless of our situation, help us to realize that what we need most is to turn to you Jesus, and follow your instructions. Help us to realize we always create unnecessary problems when we ignore what you tell us to do and it’s very clear what you’ve told us to do, who to avoid in life. And there are marriages that are represented here tonight that are hurting cause there’s no spiritual oneness. But there are also a lot of single adults here who have the ache of loneliness in their heart. I love them, Lord. This church loves them, we love them. And I thank you for bringing them to our church family. And as a pastor of this flock, I ask you to bring healing to my flock. Bring healing to those of my family here who are hurting and bring hope to those who feel hopeless right now of ever getting married. You are a miracle working God. And I ask you to make some miraculous changes in people’s lives and in their relationships today.
For those who need the courage to end a relationship that’s going nowhere, help them to speak the truth in love. That in the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. Now you pray. Say:
Father, I need your help in my relationships. First, I need you to work on me. So we’ve gone through this list, there’s some stuff I need to work on. You know where I’m insecure. You know where I ache, you know where I hurt. You know where I need to heal and change. And you know the needs that only you can meet in my life and I wanna trust you to be my Savior, not some man and not some girl. I wanna trust you to be my Savior, not anybody else. Help me to clarify my life purpose, the reason you put me on this earth. Help me to build spiritual partnerships to connect with other believers. Thank you for bringing me to this great church family.
If you’re married here tonight, I ask you to just pray, «Lord, help me to build spiritual oneness with my spouse». And for those of you who are single, say, «Lord, today, I commit to your standards for choosing a mate. If I ever decide to marry, I wanna do it your way, and on your terms». And I pray this in Jesus’s name, amen.