Rick Warren - Resolving Conflict - Part 1
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Conflict is everywhere in a broken world, but unresolved conflict blocks fellowship with God, hinders prayers, and destroys happiness. The Bible gives seven steps to resolve it biblically: take the initiative (don't wait or ignore it), confess your part first with humility, listen for the other's hurt, consider their perspective, tell truth tactfully, fix the problem not blame, and focus on reconciliation over total agreement. Peacemakers imitate Christ by building bridges—resolving conflict is always more rewarding than dissolving relationships, and true peace starts with peace with God through Jesus.
This weekend, I want to talk about one of the most important skills you never learned. It is the skill of resolving conflict. You know, as your pastor for over 30 years, as I look back over all of the people, individuals, and couples that I’ve counseled over the years, without a doubt, the number one thing I’ve spent much of my life doing is helping people negotiate conflict. Conflict at work, conflict with your spouse, conflict with your kids, conflict with a boyfriend or girlfriend, conflict in the community. Because the world is broken, there is conflict everywhere.
National conflicts we know what’s going on in Syria, Egypt, other places around the world. Political conflicts that leave the nation in a mess. Economic conflicts, relational conflicts, sexual conflicts. There’s conflict in every area and every segment of society. So one of the most important skills you have to learn is how to resolve conflict. It is essential to your happiness. If you don’t know how to resolve conflict, you walk around carrying conflict most of your life, which leaves you miserable. If you’re carrying conflict and you don’t know how to deal with it, that relative, that in-law, that friend, that boss, then you don’t know how to be happy. Because it just sucks the life right out of you. You can have all those things, but if your relationships are a mess, you’re not very happy.
Now, your parents sure didn’t teach you conflict resolution because they didn’t know how to do it. And when you went to school, grade school, junior high, high school, you didn’t get a single class on conflict management, although it is one of the number one skills you gotta learn in life. And when you went to college, you didn’t have a course on conflict management. So today, it’s not too late, I’m going to teach you the seven biblical steps of how to resolve conflict. If you will practice these, you will find the stress in your life going down dramatically. And you will find the joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction going up significantly. These are the steps you have to learn.
Why Unresolved Conflict Is So Damaging
Now, I hope you’re not in conflict right now. I mean, really, as your pastor, my prayer is that things are going pretty good for you right now. But you’re gonna need this someday. So of all weekends, this is the day to take notes. Because one day, you’re gonna go, “Where are those notes? What did Pastor Rick say about how do you resolve a conflict with so and so”? You’re gonna need this. It’s not my opinion, it’s what God says to do. Now, the thing that I love about the Bible is it’s just so honest. And God recognizes that we’re gonna have conflict in our lives because the world is broken. In Romans chapter 12, verses 17 and 18, it says this, “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone”.
In other words, people push your buttons, don’t push their buttons back. People attack you, you don’t attack back. “As much as possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone”. Now I am so glad that God just didn’t leave out the first two parts and just say “live in peace with everyone”. God gives you two caveats. He says, “As much as possible, as far as it depends on you”. What is God saying here? God says, “I recognize that some people you can’t live at peace with”. They are called crazy-makers. And really it’s not your fault, and no matter how you try to appease, please, cajole, support, whatever, they are just at a well that cannot be filled up. Their emotional needs are so great, no matter what you do, you can’t please them. Ever met anybody like that?
Yeah, don’t look at them, okay, be cool. But you’ve met people like that who no matter what you do, they are just unpleasable. And even God recognizes that some people you just can’t live at peace with. You don’t want conflict, you don’t want war, you don’t want arguments. But it happens, “As much as possible,” sometimes it’s not possible. “As far as it depends on you,” you can’t control somebody else’s reaction. So he says all you can control is you. “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone”.
Now why does God want us to live at peace with everyone? Because unresolved conflict has three devastating reactions in your life, these are damaging results. Write them down, I’m not gonna spend a lot of time on this because I want to look at the cure more than the cause. But the damage that unresolved conflict does is three things: number one, it blocks my fellowship with God. When I’m out of whack with you, I can’t be in harmony with God. When I’m distracted, when I’m in conflict with other people, I cannot have a clear connection to God. Did you know that? The Bible says this over and over and over. 1 John, chapter 4, it says, “The person who says 'I love God' and hates his neighbor is a liar”. It’s real clear. In fact, the Bible says, “You cannot love God and not love your neighbor as yourself”. You cannot be in harmony with God and out of harmony with the people in your life, it’s impossible. The Bible says, “Love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself”.
So every time I get in conflict with somebody, guess what? My fellowship with God is blocked. That’s reason enough to learn conflict management, because I don’t want you, a crazy-maker, keeping me from having a relationship with God. The Bible says this over and over. It blocks my fellowship with God. Number two, it hinders my prayers. It prevents answered prayer, did you know that? Over and over again in Scripture, the Bible says that when I have conflict and when there’s sin, and when there’s disharmony in my life, it blocks my prayers, it hinders my prayers. Let’s just get real specific.
Over in the book of 1 Peter, you know what it says? It says, “Husbands, treat your wife with respect”. Treat your wife with respect, and deal with her with intelligence, with wisdom, with knowledge, with understanding. Be sympathetic with her. 'Cause if you don’t do that, you can forget about praying. It says clearly that “Your prayers will not be hindered”. That’s what 1 Peter 5 says. You mean, wait a minute, when I’m in a conflict with with my wife, and I’m out of whack with her, then God isn’t hearing my prayers?
That’s exactly what the Bible says. That’s exactly what the Bible says. So I can’t have… as many of us have done, have an argument in the car coming to church and come inside, go, “Praise the Lord”. God says, “Uh-uh, that ain’t happening. No way. You’re out of whack with your wife, you’re out of whack with me. You’re in disharmony and conflict with other people”? God says, “Then you’re in disharmony and conflict with me,” because God is love.
Number three, it hinders my happiness. You cannot be happy and in conflict at the same time. It just, when conflict comes in the front door, happiness goes out the back door in your life.
The Seven Biblical Steps to Resolve Conflict
So, let’s look today, I’m gonna teach you the seven biblical steps to resolving conflict. Now, the first one’s gonna take the majority of the message. So don’t get freaked out when this one takes a long time and you go, “We got six more points to cover. We’re gonna be here till 3 o’clock”. We’re not, but the first one is the most important one, and then all of the other six after are what you do in that meeting with the person you’re trying to resolve conflict. Write this down because you’re gonna need it someday. If you’re a parent, teach it to your children. It’ll save them a lot of heartache.
Step 1: Take the Initiative
Okay, number one, the first step in resolving conflict (a neighbor, a friend, a relative, a spouse, a boss) number one, take the initiative. That’s the starting point. You take the initiative. You don’t wait for them to come to you, you go to them. You be the peacemaker. Now, he’s saying, don’t ignore the conflict, don’t deny the conflict, don’t push the conflict under the carpet, don’t pretend that the conflict doesn’t exist in your marriage. “What pink elephant in our living room? I don’t see any pink elephant in our living room”.
Let me ask you, what are you pretending is not a problem in your marriage? Sex, money, trust, in-laws, family, children, communication, values, work schedule? What are you pretending is not a problem in your marriage? The Bible says, “You take the initiative”. Now, friends, When I first married Kay, I was terrible at this, terrible at this. There was a player in the movie, and in the play, and in the book, “Oliver Twist,” and his name is the Artful Dodger. That was me; that position was based on me. I knew how… Kay would come at me with an issue and I’d dodge it, and I was pretty artful at it. And she’d get another issue and I’d dodge it. I was not gonna get drawn into conflict. And she would do everything she could to get me to work on situations and I would just dodge it. But conflict is never resolved accidentally.
Have you ever heard the expression “Time heals everything”? That’s a bunch of baloney. Time heals nothing. I mean, if time healed everything, you could go to the doctor and just sit in the waiting room and you’d be healed. Okay, you wouldn’t even need to see the doctor. You just, time heals everything. Actually time makes things worse. When you got an open wound, you don’t deal with it, it festers. It can turn into gangrene, it can take your arm, it could take your life. Time heals nothing. Actually, problems get worse when you ignore them. And what is anger turns to resentment, and what is resentment turns to bitterness, and we’ve all met elderly people (70, 80, 90 years old) who’ve turned into very bitter people because they never dealt with a conflict 50 years earlier, and they missed 50 years of happiness. That’s dumb, that’s just dumb.
So, take the initiative. The conflict is not gonna resolve itself. You got to intentionally deal with it. Now I want you to write this down. The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it. I’m sorry, but the only way to resolve it is to face it. We don’t like that, and in order to face it, you’re gonna have to deal with three different things: you’re gonna have to deal with your fears of conflict, you’re gonna have to deal with how to set up the meeting, and you’re gonna have to deal with what to do in the meeting. And I’m gonna teach you, Pastor Tom’s gonna help me today, all three of these things.
Overcoming Fear of Conflict
Now, the first thing, if you got any conflict in your life with somebody at work, and you talk to everybody but them about the problem, that’s the problem, is you talk to everybody else about the problem except the person who is the problem. And the thing you’re gonna have to deal with first of all, is your fear of conflict. People say, “I don’t wanna do conflict. I don’t wanna deal with conflict. I’m scared”. Well, welcome to the human race. Nobody likes conflict, except crazy-makers. They like it; if you like conflict, you’re a crazy-maker. Nobody really likes conflict, but we have to do it. And so we’re afraid of it. Congratulations, you’re normal.
I have seen grown men fumble this issue. I’ve seen guys, Marines, Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, who have faced incredibly dangerous situations, and not afraid to lay it on the line, have enormous courage on the battlefield, melt and turn into a pool of jello with one phrase from their wife, “We need to talk, honey”. There is no phrase that puts the fear of God into the men more than that phrase. “We need to talk, honey”. Oh no, just kill me right now. Give me a knife, you know. Now, the fear of conflict is as old as Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve messed up. They blew it in the Garden of Eden, and their relationship with God was broken. And then it broke their relationship with each other. And so they go out, and they’re hiding after they have sinned, and they don’t wanna get near God 'cause they don’t wanna face the reality of the conflict.
And Adam, in Genesis chapter 3, verse 10, says this, “Adam said to God, 'I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and so I hid.'” When he’s talking about naked, he said, “I was exposed, I was vulnerable, you could see everything about me, and I was afraid, so I hid”. And men have been hiding from God ever since. And men and women have been hiding from each other, we hide and hurl. First thing they did is they covered up, why? Because when there’s conflict, you wanna cover up. You see, the fear of conflict is really the fear of being exposed, the fear of your emotions. It’s the fear of being vulnerable, and when I have the fear of dealing with emotions, then this fear creates three problems in my relationship.
It makes me defensive, it makes me distant, and it makes me demanding. It makes me defensive, I want to hide, when we’re in conflict, I wanna hide, I want to withdraw, I want to isolate, I wanna pull back, I don’t wanna be close to you. That ruins the relationship, it makes me defensive. I start defending myself, I start attacking you, I start having all kinds of excuses, “I don’t want to reveal my true self. I wanna cover up 'cause I’m naked, I’m vulnerable, I’m exposed”. And I become demanding, I wanna have the last word, I want to control the situation.
You see, it is fear that keeps you from connecting at the deepest level with those you love the most. Most people have never had deep-soul intimacy with another person. I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about something deeper than that, soul-to-soul intimacy. And the reason why is fear, you don’t really fear conflict, you fear the emotions of it. And you fear rejection, and you fear being misunderstood, and you fear that what you say will be used against you, so you don’t want to be vulnerable. That’s what you fear.
There was a book that came out many, many years ago called “Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am”? Great question, and the answer to that question is, the reason I’m afraid to tell you who I really am is because I’m all I’ve got. And if I tell you what I really am and I reveal my true self, including the downside, including the weaknesses, you may not like me, and I’m all I’ve got. And the reason I’m afraid to tell you who I am, and I wear a mask, and I pretend, and I ignore conflict, and all of those things, is because I’m afraid that you might not accept me. And if you don’t like who I am, and I’m all I’ve got, then I’m up a creek without a paddle.
So I’m just gonna wear a mask, thank you very much. Where do you find the courage to take this first step? Because that’s what you need. Only courageous people resolve conflict, only. Cowards never resolve conflict, they walk away from it. Where do you find the courage to face it? You get it from God. The Bible says, here on the screen, 2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a Spirit of power, and love, and self-discipline”! That means if I let God’s Spirit fill my life, I’m gonna be filled not with fear and timidity, but I’m gonna be filled with power and with love and with self-discipline. Now, that middle one, love, is the important one because love overcomes fear.
The Bible says, “Perfect love casts out all fear”. When you’re watching the nightly news, and you see somebody run into a burning building, you go, “How in the world do they have the courage to do that”? A few minutes later, they come running out with a baby, or a little child, or a pet. What caused them to overcome their fear of dying? The love for that person or pet. When your love is greater than your fear, you’ll do things you’re afraid to do, that’s called courage. And when you are filled with God’s love, the Bible says “God is love,” when you’re filled with God’s Spirit, and God’s Spirit is love, when God’s Spirit fills you, and you’re filled with love for that person who’s irritating you or that person you’re in conflict with, then you’re gonna have the courage to move ahead.
So you need to pray, “God, I’m scared to death, fill me with your love”. You already know who you need to deal with right now. I’m already talking about it and you already know in your mind, “I haven’t reconciled with that person, I’m out of sorts with that person, I haven’t dealt with this issue”. You need to say, “God, fill me with your love, give me that courage that comes from love”. You pray about it. What I’m saying is, you talk to God before you talk to them. And you certainly talk to them before you talk to anybody else. You talk to anybody else about something you got a problem with, that’s called gossip.
Planning the Meeting: Timing, Place, and Prayer
Now, the first thing you have to do is deal with your fear, or you’re never gonna take the initiative. The second thing you’re gonna have to deal with is you’re gonna have to deal with the timing. Timing is everything in conflict resolution. You gotta do it at the right time.
Now you say, “Okay, fine. When they’re ready and they come to me, I’ll deal with it”. No, that’s a cop out. You take the initiative. Would you write this down? “It’s always my move. It’s always my move in conflict management, conflict resolution”. God expects you to take the first step, that’s called being a peacemaker. Now Jesus talks about this in the Sermon on the Mount. And in Matthew chapter 5, verse 22 and 23, he teaches this principle of take the initiative. It’s the first key to conflict management. He says, in Matthew 5:23, “If you’re standing before the altar in the Temple,” now what’s he talking about here? You’re at worship. It’s what you’re doing right now.
“If you’re standing before the altar in the Temple,” okay, “if you go to a church to go to worship, and you’re giving an offering to God, and you suddenly remember that somebody has something against you,” notice, it’s not, “you got a problem,” it’s, “they got a problem with you”. So either way, you take the initiative. “You remember that somebody has something against you, you leave your offering, leave your offering there beside the altar. Go at once,” circle at once, “go at once and first be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your gift to God”.
You know what he’s saying here? God says, “Reconciliation takes priority over worship”. Wow, some of you shouldn’t be here. Reconciliation takes priority over worship. He says, “You know, you like to worship, you like to come and sing, you like to hear God’s Word, you like to learn the principles of life”? Good. But he says there’s something more important than that, reconciliation. And he says, “If you come to worship and you got something out of whack with somebody else, you need to go get that right first and come back”. He says, “Leave your gift at the altar, go at once, be reconciled, then come and offer your gift to God”.
Now, at the end of this service, when we have a closing song and we give our offerings, those of you in the bleachers who get up and leave early, we’ll know what you’re doing. We’ll know you’re out of whack with somebody, and you need to leave right now. And so don’t be embarrassed, we’ll know why you’re leaving. Okay, we know you’re leaving early because there’s something you need to go get right, but notice it says, “Leave your gift”. Okay, so you don’t get out of the offering part, okay, all right? It says, “Leave your gift, go get it right, then come back and worship”. Now what is Jesus doing here? He’s saying, “Don’t ignore it, it doesn’t matter if you’re the offended or you’re the offender, you need to take the initiative”. It’s always your move. When, at once, as soon as possible, you don’t delay, you don’t postpone. Some of you’ve been putting off this for weeks, months, or maybe years.
Step 2: Confess Your Part First
Okay, step number two… or the third thing you have to do, before, sorry, this is still initiate, you gotta plan a sit-down meeting. Okay, this is in taking the initiative. And let me give you some suggestions. I didn’t give you a lot of room on your outlines, so just write these down. I’m gonna give you four suggestions on how to set up a meeting with somebody you’re in conflict with. Okay, here’s what you do, four things you do in setting up the meeting.
Number one, I’ve already mentioned this, choose the right time. Choose the right time. Timing is everything. When is the best time to have a meeting to resolve a conflict? The best time is when you’re both at your best. That’s when you do it, when you’re both at your best. You may be ready, but they may not be ready to receive it. You’ve been thinking about this, you’re ready to talk about, they may not be ready to talk about it. So you don’t pull it on, you don’t drop a bomb on, by the way, never drop a bomb in bed. You’re gonna get an explosion. I mean, you know, you’ve been thinking about this all day, while, as your husband comes home, just as he puts his head on the thing, you say, “Honey, we need to talk”.
And you start in the first point, he’s going, and then you explode. “Never drop a bomb in bed,” somebody ought to tweet that. Choose the right time when you’re both at your best, okay? Number two, right place, you choose the right place. You don’t just do it anywhere, you figure out where’s a good place and a good time to do this, where we can be relaxed, where it’s quiet, where we won’t be bothered, where maybe the kids are asleep, or they’re away, or whatever, where we can talk frankly and honestly, where there’s an emotion can come out? You choose the right place, where you can’t be interrupted. Number three, pray before meeting, very important. And you say, “God, I’m scared to do this, but I need to be filled with your love, and I need you to help me do this right”.
Step 3: Listen for the Hurt
Pastor Tom Holladay: So here’s the third thing you do when you’re resolving a conflict, you listen for the hurt, you listen for the hurt. If you wanna connect with people, you gotta start with their needs, and that means you gotta start with their hurt.
Now how do you hear the hurt, how do you listen for the hurt? Well, a great verse is James 1:19, I love this verse. In fact, it’s worth reading together, would you read it with me? “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry”. To listen for the hurt, you have to do what this verse says, you have to listen. God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason, you need to listen at least as much, twice as much as you are talking so that you can hear the hurt that’s in somebody else’s life.
That is the key to beginning to diffuse the conflict, that’s the key to understanding where people are coming from, understanding their circumstances, understanding their background, understanding their perspective, understanding their temperament, you gotta listen. These seven things we’re talking about together, in fact, just this one verse, James 1:19, you put this into place in your life and relationship, it can save you thousands and thousands in counseling. James 1:19 says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry,” you guys get like an A+. When you got when you have those verses in your mind and you can bring them to mind in the midst of the conflict, I don’t know what it does.
All of a sudden it gives you the ability to do something you couldn’t do on your own strength, you listen for the hurt. Now as you’re listening for people’s hurt, there are two areas you have to be especially considerate of in the next verse in the outline. Romans 15:2 says, “We must be considerate of the doubts and the fears of others”. You might circle those two words, doubts and fears. I’ve got doubts and fears, you’ve got doubts and fears, and many times in a conflict you’ve, you hit the nerve of somebody’s doubt, you’ve hit the nerve of somebody’s fear and because of that, all of a sudden the conflict starts coming your way. So you want people to consider your doubts and fears, you have to consider their doubts and fears as you consider their hurt, you consider the hurt.
Step 4: Consider Their Perspective
Number four, you listen for the hurt, number four, the fourth thing you do is you consider their perspective. Consider the way they’re looking at it, look at their viewpoint. You have this moment when you intentionally shift your focus from your needs, your point, you winning the argument, to their needs. You try to get their perspective on the issue. I was at a wedding yesterday and came in and sat down and there was this older couple sitting in front of us, and they were sitting with a chair in between them. And I noticed he tried to say something to her, point out something in the back of the room, and she’s just like, boom, just straightforward. You could feel the tension in both of them that’s why there was a chair in between them.
About halfway through the service, the pastor who was marrying this young couple said, “You know, there’s very few things that are worth arguing about, and even if you do argue, you gotta learn to forgive”. And I saw them just sort of look at each other when he said that, and then they looked back towards the front. About 20 seconds later, the guy’s shoulders, the tension sort of goes out of his shoulders and he moves over one chair to sit next to his wife. This is the issue in relationships, who’s gonna move over one chair? Who’s gonna start seeing it from the other person’s perspective? Who’s gonna make the move, and the person who makes the move is always the person Who Stops saying, “How do I see it,” and starts thinking, “How do they see it? What are they going through”?
The Bible says this in Philippians 2:4 and 5, here’s how we see from another person’s perspective, “Each of you should look out not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus”. It’s that old Chinese proverb, “You seek first to understand before you seek to be understood,” how do you do this? How do you consider another person’s perspective? Well, there’s an important word in that verse, each of you should look not only for your own perspective but the other person’s. That word look is the Greek word scopos like you scope something out a microscope or a telescope.
You scope out, you focus in on their perspective, you realize that you are most like Christ when you pay attention to other people’s needs, and how do you do that? How do you really do that? How do you start noticing others' needs instead of always needing other people’s notice? I don’t know about you, I’m not that altruistic. I’ve got needs too, that’s what I think, what about my needs in the middle of this? You might just jot down a Bible verse in the corner of your outline. Psalm 139, verse 3, Psalm 139, verse 3 says of God, “God, you notice everything I do and you know everywhere I go”.
The way you do this is you realize there’s a God in heaven, there’s a Father in heaven who is there to notice and to take care of every one of your needs. You’re not in this alone, he takes care of my needs so I can help with your needs. If you are expecting some other human being, whether it’s a wife or a husband or one of your kids or somebody at work, if you’re expecting another human being to take care of all your needs, of course you’re gonna have conflict. They’re as imperfect as you are, they can’t do it. But when when you recognize there is a God in heaven who is willing to meet the needs of your life, all of a sudden you have this new freedom. Because you know he’s gonna meet your needs, you have this new freedom to begin to look out and to consider the needs of other people in your life.
Step 5: Tell the Truth Tactfully
Now, the fifth step is very important, tell the truth tactfully. In this peace conference that you’re having with this person that you’re in conflict with, you tell the truth tactfully. The Bible says in the book of Ephesians, “Speak the truth in love”. It may be the truth, but if I’m not speaking it in love, I’m on the wrong side, you never use truth as a club. It may be true, but you don’t use truth to beat people over the head, that’s only allowed on the internet. People do that on the internet all the time, beat people over the head with truth. Don’t do that, you tell the truth tactfully.
Proverbs 12, verse 18 says this, “Reckless words,” that’s the kind you say in an argument that you weren’t thinking through, “Reckless words pierce like a sword,” and you’ve all been pierced by reckless words by people in your life, “but the tongue of the wise brings healing”. In other words, foolish words hurt, wise words heal, and it’s my choice. You never get your point across by being cross. You are never persuasive when you are abrasive, you tell the truth tactfully. If you don’t tell it tactfully, it’s not gonna be received. Truth without love is resisted, truth wrapped in love is received.
People grow faster, people change faster, people change easier when truth is wrapped in love. People must trust you before you can tell them the truth, and they learn to trust you by proving that you love them, that you accept them. And when you prove that, then you can say things that you couldn’t normally say, but you have to love them before you tell them the truth.
Ephesians 4:29, “Do not use harmful words,” well, in that case, a lot of us wouldn’t have a whole lot to say. “Do not use harmful words, but use only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed”. So when I’m in this conversation with this person I’m in conflict with, the first thing I say is “Now, is what what I’m about to say, is it gonna be helpful to them or is it gonna be hurtful to them? Is it gonna build them up or is it gonna tear them down? Is it persuasive or is it abrasive”, and what I’m saying is, this skill is learning to attack the problem rather than attacking the person. Most of us never learned that, and so we go through arguments and we go through conflict, attacking the person, not the problem. So you learn to attack the issue without attacking each other.
Step 6: Fix the Problem, Not the Blame
Now, related to that is number six, fix the problem, not the blame. Now you only have a certain amount of emotional energy and in a conversation where you’re trying to resolve a conflict, you can either use that energy to fix the blame or you can use that energy to fix the problem, you don’t have enough energy to do both. Now, related to this is establishing some ground rules of words that you’re just not gonna use. If you’re a young couple, I highly recommend that you establish some ground rules for fighting fair in your marriage, and you follow them your entire marriage, actually, it’s never too late to do this. But there’s some things you should never, never, never say in a marriage. They’re WMDs, they’re weapons of mass destruction.
You know, during the Cold War when Russia and America was at each other’s throats and for 50 years, America had thousands of intercontinental ballistic missiles aimed at Russia, we could explode the entire nation. They had thousands of intercontinental ballistic missiles aimed at us and could destroy America like that. And even when we were at the worst point in the Cold War, and there was enormous tension, both sides still had enough sanity to say, “You know, there’s some weapons we just aren’t gonna use, because they’re MAD, M-A-D, Mutually Assured Destruction. You use those and we’re going to use ours and we’re gonna destroy each other and there’s not gonna be countries left”.
So even when we were totally on opposite sides of an issue, we could at least agree, we’re not going to use these weapons, these WMDs, weapons of mass destruction, we’re just not gonna use them. There are some weapons of mass destruction that should never be used in your marriage, like threatening divorce, that’s a weapon of mass destruction, like threatening to walk out, that’s a WMD, like bringing up somebody’s parents, that’s a WMD. There’s certain things you just say, “We’re not gonna use these, no matter how mad we get at each other, no matter how upset we are with each other, no matter how hurt or frustrated or angry we are, we’re just not gonna use these, they’re off limits,” because they destroyed the relationship. They certainly aren’t gonna build it, all they’re gonna do is tear down trust.
Now, the Bible is very, very specific about what’s out of bounds. Let me just give you one example, Colossians 3:8, “You must rid yourself,” notice, this isn’t optional, you can’t use these. “You must rid yourself of all such things as these: anger,” rage, it’s actually angry rage, “malice and slander, and filthy language from your lips”. Those aren’t allowed, sorry, they’re not allowed, they’re weapons of mass destruction. Now, angry rage, what does that mean? It means, no matter how mad you get, you do not try to intimidate with anger, angry rage. You do not try to threaten people into doing the right thing, it doesn’t work. It says, “You don’t use malice and slander,” what is malicious, what are malicious words? They’re words that are designed to hurt.
There’s certain things you know you can say that will hurt that person. And you know them very well. You push their buttons. There’s certain things you can hurt, you can damage, you can wound, you can destroy. He says, that’s off limits, that’s a weapon of mass destruction. You’re not allowed to do that, no matter how angry you get. Malice, no malice, no malicious words, no slander, what’s slander? No insults, no slurs, no calling people dirty names, nasty names, no labeling, no belittling. Belittling is about as low as you can go as a human being, little people belittle people. When you belittle someone, you are showing how tiny your heart is. Only little people belittle people, great people make people feel great. So when you belittle your partner, your spouse, your kids, you’re showing how little you are, not how little they are. You’re showing how little you are.
Number seven, no, let me give you one more verse, Romans 14:13, “Let us stop passing judgment on one another, and instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way”. The reason why we fix the problem, not to blame is because blaming is a form of judging and only God has the right to judge, you’re not the judge. God is a judge, so don’t blame.
Step 7: Focus on Reconciliation, Not Resolution
Now number 7, focus on reconciliation, not resolution, focus on reconciliation, not resolution, there’s a big difference here. You’re never gonna find anybody who agrees with you on everything, so give that one up.
Can you have a loving relationship without agreeing on everything? Of course you can, you can have reconciliation without resolution of every issue, 'cause some things you’re just gonna always disagree on. If you learn to disagree without being disagreeable, that’s called wisdom. If you learn to have unity without uniformity, that’s called wisdom. If you learn to walk hand in hand without having to see eye to eye, that’s called wisdom. So you don’t have to agree on every issue to come to a reconciliation. By the way, if you focus on the relationship, not the issues, you’re gonna find that some of the issues you’re arguing over just aren’t that important.
As Tom said, that pastor said yesterday, “Some things just aren’t worth arguing about. I’m distinctly remembering to forget them”. And you need to do that, there’s some things that are never gonna change in your wife, in your husband, in your parent, and your child, that just aren’t ever gonna change, you need to let it go, you just need to let it go. And you need to say, “I’m gonna focus on the positive, not the negative, because they just aren’t gonna change,” and you’re certainly not gonna change them by attacking them on it.
As your pastor who loves you, I want to challenge you where everything in the world tends to divide, I challenge this church, challenge you to become an agent of reconciliation. One of the greatest things you can do with your life is to be a bridge builder, not a wall builder, because everybody else is building walls. And you are most like Jesus Christ when you are reconciling people. You are most like Jesus when you’re building bridges, not walls. That’s exactly what Jesus came to do, he’s the great reconciler. God sent Jesus to earth to reconcile us, 'cause you know what? We are in conflict with God, I don’t know if you realize this, but until you accept Christ in your life and you get in God’s plan, you’re in rebellion.
You’re saying, “God, I wanna run my life my way, I wanna do my thing. I’m gonna thumb my nose to God, and I’m in rebellion against God,” so what did God do? He takes the initiative, he doesn’t wait to come to me, he sends Jesus to come for me and to die on the cross for me. Before I even knew what the problem was, he sends Jesus to die for me. He takes the first step and he looks at us and he says, “I’ve come to reconcile you to God”. And that’s my prayer, that you’ll become that kind of person, because the world is filled with conflict. And you are most like Christ as an agent of restoration and reconciliation.
Jesus said it like this, Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” not peace lovers. A lot of people love peace, a lot of peace lovers in the world, very few peacemakers. You be not a peace lover, you be a peacemaker. That means you take these steps and you use them and you teach them to others, and you become an agent of reconciliation.
The Reward of Resolving Conflict
Now I wanna close by giving you a statement. I want you to write this down, okay? It’s always more rewarding, it’s always more rewarding to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship. It’s always more rewarding to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship. Now it’s not easier, but it’s more rewarding. There are people in your life, you wanna just wash your hands up and walk away and forget it, it’s not worth it. I’m gonna dissolve the relation, I’m just walking away from it, it’s just not worth it. Yeah, you can do that, but you don’t get any rewards in heaven for that. You don’t get any joy on earth for that. You don’t get any character growth and development for that, it’s not rewarding for that. It’s always more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship.
Now, you can’t make peace with other people till you’ve made peace with God. And maybe that’s part of the problem, is you’re not at peace with yourself because you’re not at peace with God. First, you gotta make peace with God, then you get the peace of God, then you have peace on earth, goodwill toward men. The reason people don’t have peace on earth, good will toward men is they don’t have peace for themselves. The reason they don’t have peace with themselves, they don’t have peace with God.
Look at this verse on the screen, 1 Timothy 2:5, “There is only one God and one Mediator,” that’s the reconciler, “who can reconcile God and people,” who can bring us together, he’s a bridge builder, “He is Jesus Christ”. And that’s the starting point, first, you need to get peace in your heart by getting the prince of peace inside you. So let’s do that, let’s bow our heads, would you say this to God in your heart?
God, you know the conflict in my life, you know the conflict with people, and you know the conflict with you, and you know the conflict with myself, and I’m tired of it and I want to make peace. I want to make peace with you and have peace, your peace in my life so that I can offer peace to others. You said, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” I want to be blessed, “for they will be called the children of God,” I wanna be a child of God. So Jesus Christ, I accept your peace today, I accept your forgiveness. I want to be your child, I want to be a peacemaker. I opened my life to you as best I know how, fill my life with love, not anger, with patience, with joy, with peace. Come in and fill every area of my life with your calmness and help me to be a bridge builder, not a wall builder.
And then pray this:
Dear God, help me to take the initiative. Do not wait on that other person, but help me to take the initiative, find the right time in the right place, and then help me to have the courage to confess my part of the conflict and to be humble, so I won’t stumble. Instead of attacking the person, help me attack the problem. Help me to consider their perspective, to listen for their hurt. Help me to speak the truth, tell the truth tactfully, to fix the problem, not to blame, and to focus on reconciliation, not resolving all the disagreements. I ask this in your name, amen.