Rick Warren - Six Keys to Peace In Relationships - Part 2
Now, the classic passage on wisdom and relationships is in the book of James chapter 3, verses 13 to 18, let me read it to you. It’s there on your outline, it’s here on the screen. The Bible says this. «If you are wise and you understand God’s ways, you’ll live a life of steady goodness so that only good deeds pour forth. And if you don’t brag about the good you do, then you will be truly wise! But if you are bitterly jealous and there’s selfish ambition in your heart, don’t brag about being wise. That is the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly and unspiritual and motivated by the Devil».
He says, «Wherever you find jealousy and selfish ambition, you’ll find disorder and every kind of evil. Now wisdom, the kind of wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure. It’s also peace-loving, gentle at all times, willing to yield to others. It’s full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and it’s always sincere. Now those who are peacemakers,» he’s talking about in relationships, «Those who are peacemakers plant seeds of peace and they reap a harvest of goodness». Every day, in every relationship, you are planting seeds and you’re gonna reap what you sow. Now, you’re planting either seeds of trust or distrust. You’re planting seeds of anger or peace. You’re planting seeds of love or harmony. You’re planting seeds in every relationship in your life, every single day. The question is what kinds of seeds? How do I plant seeds of peace? And the answer is, I got to be wise. I’ve got to be wise. I’ve got to do it the wise way.
Number three, if I want to be wise, I won’t minimize your feelings. I don’t compromise my integrity, I don’t antagonize your anger, push your hot buttons, and I don’t minimize your feelings. Wisdom acknowledges your feelings and doesn’t diminish them. You see, the typical reaction when we don’t feel what other people feel, we do two things. Number one, we belittle them. If you had a brain, you would know that’s just not true. And you wouldn’t feel that way. We belittle, that doesn’t help. And the other thing, this is worse, is we play psychologists.
Now, the reason you feel this way is because your father, oh. All right, you know, you are not a psychologist, and you are condescending when you try to tell people why they feel the way they feel. You don’t even know why you feel the way you feel. You can’t figure out your own motives half the time. Why would you think you could figure out somebody else’s? The moment you start judging somebody else’s motives, you’re playing God and you’re wrong. That’s a battle you’re gonna lose. Don’t play psychologist.
Proverbs 15:4 says this in the Bible, «Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit». You ever come home from a day at work and play the game, my day was worse than your day? Well, I had this problem, you know, and, you know, your husband or your wife or your roommate tells you all about things and instead of you sympathizing, empathizing and being considerate, you say, you think you had problems. No, no, those are minor. Let me tell you what a real problem is. And you start telling your problem. Is that actually helping the relationship? No, it’s foolish, it’s dumb, it’s not wise. The Bible says wisdom is gentle, wisdom is considerate. Is it possible you both had a tough day? Yes. Is it possible that you could be considerate of their tough day without having to top it? Yes.
What am I saying? I’m saying, if you wanna be wise, if you wanna stop making the same stupid relational mistakes over and over and over, you need to stop minimizing other people’s feelings. You need to let your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your spouse, your parents, your children, whoever, you need to let them feel what they feel without minimizing it. You need to let them feel tired when they’re tired and not try to talk them out of it. You need to let them feel depressed when they’re depressed and not try to talk them out of it. You need to let them feel angry or alone or scared when they feel that way. Friends offer kind words, not remedies. The other day, Kay was being interviewed and they asked, they said, «Do you wake up grumpy in the morning»? She said, «No, I usually let him sleep». She’s considerate. She’s considerate. She lets me sleep in.
Number four, wisdom is willing to yield to others. Pastor Tom is gonna come and teach us on this fourth mark of wisdom.
Pastor Tom: It’s open to reason. It allows discussion. This Greek word «Eupeithes,» it’s the only time in the whole Bible this word is used, and it’s a great word for wisdom and relationships. It means you’re not stubborn, you’re not defensive. How do you know that? How do you know if you have this kind of quality in your life? One of the main ways you know is how you listen. That’s one of the main ways that you see this willingness to yield to others. The wiser you are, the better a listener you will be and the more foolish you are, the less you will listen to others. I’ve got to admit I do a very unwise thing all the time in relationships. It’s totally unwise. I tend to finish people’s sentences for them. Anybody else do this?
You know, they’re saying something and I wanna move the conversation along so I like say the end of the sentence. That’s very unwise 'cause I’m not letting them say what they wanna say and I may not hear really what I need to hear in that. So if you’re wise, you realize it’s foolish to cut people off. It’s foolish to not let people have their say. It’s foolish to jump to conclusions. So instead of that, you wanna be open to reason. You wanna be willing to listen. You wanna be willing to learn.
Now, if I asked you, are you a reasonable person? I think most of us would say, yes, I’m reasonable. Let me ask you, how do you know you’re reasonable? 'Cause think about this if you were unreasonable, you wouldn’t know you were unreasonable because you were unreasonable. So how do you know if you’re really a reasonable person? One of the ways that you know is, do you listen to others? Let me tell you one of the main ways you know if you’re a reasonable person. Can people you disagree with reason with you? If you have people in your life, you disagree with them, but they can reason with you, you can talk through it, that’s one of the ways that you know that you’re a reasonable person. But a lot of us, we have this attitude, don’t confuse me with the facts. My mind is made up. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you. We have this kind of an attitude.
And so because of that, we’re not wise in relationships and because of that we all struggle with this. We have this oversensitivity when it comes to talking to other people with other people’s suggestions because it’s tough. Let’s just admit it. It is tough to hear the suggestions of other people. You have to put yourself out there like that new pastor who said to his church, first sermon he was preaching and he said, «You know, I really want, I really want your honest suggestions afterwards». So after the message, he was talking to one of the men in the church and he said, «Okay, give me your honest suggestions». And the guy said, «Well, honestly, pastor, that sermon stunk». And the guy looked at him and said he was trying to be reasonable. He said, «Well, okay, what exactly stunk about it»? He really wanted to hear. And he said, «Well, there were three things that stunk about it. First, you read it. Second, you read it poorly. And third, it wasn’t worth reading in the first place».
Now the next guy that talked to the pastor was trying to encourage him and said, «Don’t worry about old Jim. He just repeats what everybody else says. So don’t worry about, don’t worry about that at all». The tough thing about listening to other people and hearing their suggestions is you gotta put yourself out there and it can hurt sometimes, but if you’re gonna be wise, in fact, write this in with me. If I want to be wise, I won’t criticize your suggestions. I won’t criticize your suggestions. A wise person can learn from anybody. Listen, even a broken clock is right twice a day, so people in your life, they’re gonna be right.
And let me tell you something God does in my life and he’s gonna do in your life to totally humble you when it comes to listening to other people’s suggestions. There are gonna be people in your life, the most irritating people in your life that you drive me crazy kind of people we’re talking about, sometimes they’re gonna have a good suggestion. That person in your family that they’re wrong about everything else, they’re gonna be right about something. That person at your office, that person at your school, it’s the worst thing in the world when the very person that’s driving you crazy has a good suggestion for your life.
But let me ask you, can you learn from them? Can you learn from anybody? Look at this next verse in the outline, Proverbs 18:15. «Intelligent people are always open to new ideas. In fact, they look for them». Anywhere and everywhere you look for these new ideas. Now what if people have a stupid idea? Well, you do the same thing with their stupid idea that you do with your stupid ideas. If it’s a good idea, you listen to it and you learn. If it’s a stupid idea, then you ignore it and you forget it. Stop wasting your life trying to prove a stupid idea right or wrong. Just move on to the next good idea. If I’m wise, I’m open to suggestions. I won’t criticize your suggestions.
Pastor Rick: You know, I have spent much of my life hanging out with people I totally disagree with so I could share the love of Jesus with 'em and help them come to know Christ, which means I’ve heard a lot of stupid ideas. I’ve sat in groups of people who show me stuff that’s the most off the wall crazy idea. What do you do? You just smile and you nod and you don’t interrupt and you let them say their entire piece. Because what I’ve learned is if you let people say their entire piece, they’ll let you say your entire piece. And then I can come back and say, well, here’s what I think, here’s what I believe, here’s what the Bible says, and people go, oh well, that makes sense. I never thought about it that way. But if you try to interrupt them in advance, you try to take them down point by point, you are being a fool. It is foolish to try to take people down point by point. You just make them mad. Tom said, you just gotta listen. You gotta be open to reason.
Now, number five, the Bible says, wisdom is full of mercy and good deeds. Circle that word mercy. If I’m gonna be wise, I’m gonna maximize mercy. I’m gonna major on mercy in my relationships, full of mercy and good deeds. In other words, it’s wise to show grace to people when they mess up. When they blow it, when they sin, when they fumble, when they flub up, when they have faults, when they fail, it’s wise to show mercy when people show up. It’s wise to cut people slack when they mess up. Let’s just take it this way.
Who is the wisest person in the universe? God. Who is the most merciful person in the universe? God. You think there’s any little connection there? Yes, fools are judgmental, wise people are merciful. Anytime I start judging you, I’m being foolish. Anytime I’m being merciful, I’m being like God. And that’s wise. It’s wise to give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s wise to show grace, to show mercy, to be forgiving, to cut people some slack. God cuts me slack all the time. So I better cut it to somebody else. Everything you have in life is a sheer gift from God. Your next breath is because of the mercy of God. You wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for the mercy of God.
If I wanna be wise, my kids, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my husband, my wife, if I wanna be wise, I won’t emphasize your mistakes, because I am merciful. Wise people don’t rub it in. Wise people rub it out. Wise people are merciful. So let me ask you, how high do you rate on mercy? Do you jump on every fault or blunder? You know, great move, klutzo. You know, you’re always picking at people, always pointing out their errors and mistakes. Do you continually bring up the past? And every little sin that your husband or your wife or your girlfriend or whoever has done, you file it back so you can pull it out when you need to get a little leverage?
Heard about a high school kid recently came home from school with a bad report card and his dad blew a gasket. And next day, he went back to school and his friend at school said, «What did your dad think»? He said, «Oh, my dad got historical». He said, «Don’t you mean hysterical»? He said, «No, historical. He told me everything I’ve ever done wrong». Do you do that? You know, you let it all pile up, you let it all dam up, and then when somebody hits you at the wrong spot, you just, you let it all out. That is foolish because wisdom is full of mercy. It’s full of good deeds. The Bible says in Proverbs 17:9, «Love forgets mistakes: nagging about them parts the best of friends».
Last week I saw Mike and Sally Kendall out here on the campus. Mike has been on staff in facilities for many, many years. And I happen to know that Sally and Mike had just had their 50th wedding anniversary. And Mike had kissed Sally and she was getting ready to drive off and I walked over to Sally’s car. She rolled the window down and I said, «Congratulations, Sally, on 50 years of marriage». I said, «What is the secret of a 50 year lasting marriage»? She looked at me and said, «Pastor, I never tried to change him». She drove off, and I’m not making this up. This is the exact truth and they had not colluded on this. I walked up to Mike. He was further on up the way, and I said, «Mike, congratulations on 50 years of marriage». I said, «What’s the secret of 50 years of marriage»? He said, «I never tried to change her». They had both said the exact same thing. Wisdom is full of mercy.
Number six, the Bible says that wisdom is impartial and always sincere. Now this is interesting. These two words in the Greek in the original Greek in the Bible are the words adiakritos and anupokritos. They’re very similar words. Impartial and sincere, adiakritos, anupokritos. Let me explain it this way. The Greeks invented theater, comedies, tragedies, you know, all Plato, Socrates, Sophocles, all these guys wrote very famous plays. And in Greek plays, one guy would often be an actor and would play many parts. He’d come out wearing a mask and he’d say his part, then he’d go back behind the stage, he’d get another mask, he’d come back out and he’d play somebody else’s part.
Then he’d go back behind the stage and he’d get another mask and he’d come back out. He’s playing many roles and wearing many masks, and the word in Greek for that person, he was called a hippocritos. We get the word hypocrite from it. It means he wears a mask. He’s always acting a different role, hippocritos, always playing a role, always wearing a mask. These words are the exact opposite. Adiakritos, anupokritos, it means impartial and sincere. It means you’re genuine. You’re without hypocrisy. You’re the real deal. The word we would use today is the word authentic, authentic.
Now, here’s the sixth key. If I wanna be wise in my relationships, I won’t disguise my intentions. I won’t wear a mask. I won’t fake it. I won’t pretend. I won’t try to be somebody that I’m not. I won’t lie to you, I won’t cheat you, I won’t trick you, I won’t fake you out. I won’t take advantage of you. I won’t deliberately mislead you. The point is this, fools are fakes. Wise people are authentic. They’re the real deal. They aren’t phonies. They’re genuine, they’re authentic. They’re warts and all. What you see is what you get. Now, there are two places today where people fake it more than anywhere else, where people are phony. They don’t show their true selves more than anywhere else. Two places. Online and on dates. They don’t show their true selves. They’re always trying to make themselves look better than they really are online and on dates.
Proverbs 10:18, «The lips of a liar conceal hostility and whoever spreads accusations is a fool». Let me read you Psalm 12:2. «Everyone lies to his neighbor, their flattering lips speak with deception». You know, dating actually sets up relationships to be phony because dating in itself is an artificial relationship. You look your best, you act your best, you talk your best, you dress your best, shoot, you smell your best on a date. It’s not the real you. Just passing gas and burping, you know. No, no, you’re just super cool and you’re not really real. On dates, you know, no man would ever actually go to the opera except on a date.
Okay, ladies, you just need to realize, no man likes opera. Okay, okay, really. In fact, you laugh at things on dates that aren’t even funny. It’s, you know, somebody says it and your date says something and you, «Ha, ha, ha, ha». It was the stupidest thing you ever heard, but you laughed at it anyway, okay. It is a phony fake relationship. In fact, no place on the planet Earth is more inauthentic, more phony than a singles bar. I mean, it is the epitome of fake, phony, inauthentic relationships. Nowhere else on the planet can a total stranger come up to you and offer to buy you something.
Can I buy you a drink? You don’t even know me. I mean, were you in Sears? A guy walks up and says, «Can I give you your toaster»? I mean, really, you’re in Albertson’s, «Care for a box of Cap’n Crunch? You’re kind of cute, you know? Can I get you some pickles»? It’s so phony, it’s so fake. If I’m honest, if I’m real, if I’m wise, I’m not gonna disguise who I really am. Now, let’s review. How wise are you in your relationships? Do you ever compromise your integrity? That’s not wise. Do you antagonize other people’s anger and push their buttons intentionally just to get even? Dumb, not wise. Do you minimize feelings? You shouldn’t feel that way. Do you criticize suggestions? That’s a dumb idea.
Do you emphasize mistakes and you rub it in rather than out? Do you disguise your intention? Friends, as your pastor who loves you, if you don’t wise up, if you don’t wise up, if you don’t learn some godly wisdom, you’re gonna go through your entire life making the same relational mistakes over and over and over and over and you’re not gonna get what you want out of that relationship, an intimate, satisfying, soul satisfying relationship, the kind that God intended for you to have. How do I get the wisdom to stop making foolish mistakes in relationships?
Well, there’s only two places you get wisdom. You don’t get it from college, you don’t get it from online, you know, blogs, you don’t get it from TV shows, you get wisdom from knowing God and doing what he says to do, doing his Word. Knowing God and doing his Word. You can get intelligence, you can get facts, you can get information, you can get smarts, you can get technical skills from going to school, but you don’t get wisdom from going to school. You get wisdom from knowing God and doing what he says to do 'cause he is the source of all wisdom. Now, this book, the Bible, this is filled with relational wisdom for you and if you’ll stick with me for the next six weeks, we’re gonna help revolutionize your relationships. And my goal for this series is that you’ll learn what God says to do and then you’ll do it. Two verses. Look up here on the screen.
Psalm 111:10, «Respect for the Lord is the beginning of wisdom». You want wisdom in your relationship? You gotta start with the relationship to the Lord. And the Bible says in Colossians chapter 2, «Jesus is the key that opens all the hidden treasures of God’s wisdom and knowledge». You gotta get to know Jesus. I got a letter a while back where a guy told me he said, «Rick, all my relationships constantly fell apart until I met Jesus and I began to learn the wisdom he gave me». Have you met Jesus? Let’s bow our heads. Father, I thank you for your Word, that you want us to be wise, not foolish in our relationships. And I pray that even today everyone here will make a commitment to be with us for these six weeks as we talk about how to strengthen our good relationships, how to heal our bad ones, how to deal with the crazy makers in our lives. But Lord, today we start with us. Why don’t you pray this prayer:
Dear Jesus, help me to not compromise my integrity. Help me not to antagonize people’s anger. Help me not to minimize people’s feelings. Help me not to criticize people’s suggestions or emphasize their mistakes. Help me not to disguise who I really am. Help me to be authentic and real and genuine. God, I need your wisdom. I wanna know you, Jesus Christ, and I wanna do your Word.
If you’ve never invited Christ in our life, say:
Jesus Christ, come into my heart in life right now and take control of my life. I want to learn to trust you and love you. In your name I pray, amen.