Rick Warren - Six Keys to Peace In Relationships - Part 1
Nowhere are we more foolish than in our relationships. We foolishly treat people in ways that are really counterproductive. In fact, a lot of times we provoke people to do the very behavior we don’t want. We foolishly think, this is how I’m gonna get what I need out of this relationship. More fulfillment, more intimacy, more joy, more satisfaction, more stability. I need my relationships to be fulfilling, not draining. But actually, the things you do are often counterproductive, they are foolish, they are not wise. Because if you do what you naturally feel like doing in a relationship, it’s almost always the wrong thing. As I said, wisdom doesn’t eliminate problems, but it definitely does reduce them.
Now, the classic passage on wisdom and relationships is in the book of James chapter 3, verses 13 to 18, let me read it to you, it’s there on your outline, it’s here on the screen. The Bible says this, «If you are wise and you understand God’s ways, you’ll live a life of steady goodness so that only good deeds pour forth. And if you don’t brag about the good you do, then you will be truly wise! But if you are bitterly jealous and there’s selfish ambition in your heart, don’t brag about being wise. That’s the worst kind of lie. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, and unspiritual, and motivated by the Devil. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder».
Now, let me just stop right there. You got any chaos in your life, got any disorder in your life, got any area of your life that’s confused? The Bible says, «Wherever you find confusion, wherever you find disharmony, wherever you find disorder, there’s ego». There’s ego. Whether it’s in the office or at home, or at school. He says, «Wherever you find jealousy and selfish ambition, you’ll find disorder and every kind of evil. Now wisdom, the kind of wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure. It’s also peace loving, gentle at all times, willing to yield to others. It’s full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and it’s always sincere. Now those who are peacemakers,» he’s talking about in relationships, «Those who are peacemakers plant seeds of peace and they reap a harvest of goodness».
Now these verses teach us a whole lot about relationships that you’re not gonna learn anywhere else in life. First, the Bible teaches us that wisdom is a way of relating. It has to do with what you do, not what you think. A lot of people think wisdom is intelligence, wisdom is smarts, wisdom is education. No, no, no, no, the world is full of educated fools. The Bible says that wisdom shows up primarily in your relationships. You may have all kinds of knowledge and still be a fool. You may have all kinds of education, so many degrees they call you Doctor Fahrenheit, but you could still be foolish. You can have all kinds of brilliance and be technically smart, but wisdom shows up in relationships. That’s why you can take a brilliant scientist whose family life is a mess, he may be smart, but he’s not wise.
Wisdom always has to do with relationships and it shows up in how you treat other people. In other words, it’s about your life, not your lips. It’s about what you do, not what you say. It’s not about your diploma, it’s about your disposition. And in verse 14 to 16, it says, you know, the way we typically relate to people, he said those ways are foolish. When we get bitter, when we get angry, when we get resentful, when we get jealous, when we get selfish and ambitious in relationships, he goes, all those are foolish ways that don’t get you what you want and what you need out of the relationship.
In verse 18, it says, «Those who are peacemakers plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness». Every day, in every relationship, you are planting seeds. I’ll say it again, every day, in every relationship, you are planting seeds, and you’re gonna reap what you sow. Now you’re planting either seeds of trust or distrust. You’re planting seeds of anger or peace. You’re planting seeds of love or harmony. You’re planting seeds in every relationship in your life, every single day. The question is, what kinds of seeds? How do I plant seeds of peace? And the answer is, I gotta be wise, I’ve got to be wise, I’ve got to do it the wise way. Now what we’re gonna do today is we’re gonna look at this passage because it teaches us the six things that wise people never do in relationships.
And I’ve done every one of them. And so have you. And they are foolish approaches to your relationships: your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your husband, your wife, your friends, your boss, your employees, the neighbors. These are six things that wise people never do. And in verse 17, James gives us a checklist. These are the foundations of healthy relationships. Now, in the future weeks, we’re gonna look at the crazy makers in your life, how to diffuse, deflect, and defend yourself against the crazy makers. But in any relationship, half the problem is you, it’s how you respond. And when you respond incorrectly to the crazy makers in your life, you actually make it worse. So let’s get right into it, foundations of healthy relationships, six things wise people will never do in relationships.
Number one, first the Bible says that wisdom, if I want to be wise, «Wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure,» now circle that word «pure». What’s he mean by this word «pure»? It means uncorrupted, clean, unpolluted, clear, untainted, what’s he talking about? The word we use today is the word «integrity». He’s talking about integrity. And he’s saying the foundation of all good relationships is integrity. Now, why is integrity listed first? Because wisdom starts in the heart, not in the head. And the reason integrity is listed first is this: all relationships are built on trust. No trust, no relationship. And all trust is built on truth.
If you don’t have truth, you don’t have trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. If the guy’s lying to his wife all the time, he may have an arrangement, but he doesn’t have a relationship. He may have a commitment, but he doesn’t have a relationship because relationships are built on truth, because truth is the foundation of trust. Honesty is the bedrock of all relationships. You gotta be honest, you gotta shoot straight with people. If you’re just lying to the people in your life, you don’t have a relationship.
You’ve probably never heard of Leonarde Keeler. Leonarde Keeler is a pretty famous guy, Dr. Leonarde Keeler invented the lie detector. And during his lifetime, he tested over 25,000 people on the lie detector. He wrote a book about it, his conclusion: we all lie, well, duh. He says human beings are fundamentally and by nature dishonest. You lie to God, you lie to other people, and you lie to yourself all the time. In fact, you lie to you more than anybody else. We have the amazing ability to tell ourselves things that aren’t true and convince ourselves that they are. You lie to yourself all the time. The Bible says the heart is deceitful. That means we have an amazing ability to con ourselves. We think things are right when they’re not, and we think things are not right when they are.
And so he says, you gotta start with integrity. The Bible says in Ephesians, look up here on the screen, Ephesians 4:25, «You must stop telling lies. Tell each other the truth, because we all belong to each other in the same body». Now, here is the first mark of wisdom. If you want your relationships to get better this summer, number one is this: if I want to be wise in my relationships, I won’t compromise my integrity. I won’t compromise my integrity, I won’t violate my conscience, I won’t compromise my convictions, I won’t live a double life, I won’t lie to you. I’ll tell you the truth because trust is built on truth. No truth, no trust; no trust, no relationship.
Proverbs 2, verse 7 says this, there on your outline, «God grants a treasure of good sense,» and by the way, that’s what you need in relationships, you need a treasury of good sense. «God grants a treasure of good sense to the godly. He is their shield, protecting those who walk with integrity». You need a shield in your life against the crazy makers. There are people who try to mess up your life all the time and God says, «I will be a shield in your life». You need a shield against crazy makers, but he says, «You gotta walk with integrity if you’re gonna have my shield in your life».
So first, wisdom is pure, and if I want to be wise in my relationships, I won’t compromise my integrity. Number two, wisdom is peace loving. That’s the second thing it says. In other words, wise people are peacemakers, they’re not troublemakers. Wise people don’t carry a chip on their shoulder, wise people are not always looking for a fight. Do you love a good fight, then you’re not wise. The Bible says wisdom is peace-loving. Fools love to fight, just go on the internet there, it’s full of them. Just look up any blog: foolish people love to fight, they love to argue, they love to mix it up with people. Some people get into politics just because they love with the fight. That’s not smart, it’s dumb, it’s foolish.
The Bible says wisdom is peace loving. It’s not always trying to provoke anger. So here’s the second thing. If I want to be wise in my relationships, I won’t antagonize your anger. I won’t antagonize your anger. In other words, I don’t push your hot buttons intentionally. I don’t provoke your rage. I don’t egg you on. Now, the fact is, if you’ve been around anybody for any length of time, you’ve pretty soon figure out what irritates them, and you file that back in the back of your mind as a tool to use when we get in an argument. It’s a weapon of mass destruction and you know what pushes their button, and you know what just ticks them off, and when you get in an argument and they say something that hurts you, offends you, or slights you in any way, then you pull out the big gun, you use the weapon of mass destruction, you push their hot button and you go, pop.
And they go, kapow, and you go, «Works works every time». You know what the Bible calls that: stupid. You’re not getting any closer to the resolution, you’re not helping the relationship, in fact, you’re hurting it. It is not wise. If I’m wise, I don’t antagonize your anger, I don’t use weapons of mass destruction that I know are going to tick you off. I don’t push your buttons even when I know what your buttons are, and even when you’ve already pushed mine, I’m gonna be the wiser person and I’m not gonna push back.
Proverbs 20, verse 3 says this, any fool can start an argument, «Any fool can start arguments: the wise thing is to stay out of them,» so don’t be baited by internet trolls. Who, you know, they’ll say something off the wall and then you get stuck arguing with them online. You don’t even care about these people. He says don’t get baited, don’t get baited, and don’t antagonize people’s anger. Now, during this series we’re gonna have some fun because we’re gonna laugh at ourselves because we all use tools, tricks of the trade, skills in relationships that are actually counterproductive. They’re hurtful, they’re harmful, and they don’t get you what you want out of a relationship. In fact, they get you the exact opposite behavior. But when we lack wisdom, we use them anyway.
Now there are lots of these, we’re gonna look at them in the weeks ahead. Let me just mention three of them today, tools that you should never use because these always antagonize other people’s anger. If you’re wise, you’re never gonna do these things anymore with people in relationships. Number one is comparing, you may write that one down, comparing. You’re gonna antagonize somebody’s anger when you start comparing them to anybody else, it always makes them mad. «Why can’t you be like so and so,» or, «You’re always like so and so,» or, «You’re just like your mother,» oh, that’s very helpful. Okay, you can guess the predictable response to that one. «You’re just like your mother,» oh, thank you… or, «You’re just like your dad».
2 Corinthians 10:12 says, «Anybody who compares is a fool». It’s foolish, it’s not wise. Never compare your wife, your husband, your kids, your yard, your boss, or anybody else, because everybody’s unique. Comparing antagonizes anger, condemning antagonizes, don’t do it. When you start laying on the guilt in a relationship, you start trying to make people feel guilty for what they’ve done, you start trying to make them feel ashamed, you should be ashamed. All you’re gonna do is get the exact opposite of what you expect. It doesn’t work, it’s foolish. Ladies, let me explain something to you: every man is fighting his conscience all the time. Whether he realizes it or not, he may not even realize it, but every man is constantly fighting his conscience.
When you decide to be a man’s conscience, guess who he gets angry at? He takes all that anger he’s fighting against himself, and his own conscience, and his own ethics, and he just turns it on you. Is that what you want? No, no, you don’t want that. So that’s a foolish thing to do. Don’t try to be somebody else’s God, don’t try to be somebody else’s conscience. You should, you must, you ought, you need to, you always, you never. Anytime you use those words, dumb. Because all you’re gonna do is you’re gonna take that guy, who’s fighting his own conscience, and all of a sudden, he starts fighting you because you represent his conscience. It doesn’t work. Comparing and condemning, and number three: contradicting always makes people mad. You ever watched a spouse correct every detail of the story while the other person’s telling it, it’s irritating. Anybody wanna give a testimony? Okay, it’s irritating. If I’m wise, I won’t antagonize your anger. If you’re wise, you don’t sweat the small stuff, okay, you just don’t sweat it. You don’t sweat the small stuff. You don’t get hooked into it.
William James, the famous psychologist said, «Wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook». And there’s some stuff you just need to overlook. And you’re not trying to make a big deal, that you’re not contradicting. Proverbs 14:29 says this, «A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes». Have you ever said or done anything stupid out of anger, yes. Because when you get angry, your intelligence goes out the window. When you get angry, you say and do stupid things that are actually self-defeating. Did you know there’s only one letter difference between anger and danger? When you get angry, you are in dangerous territory, you are about to hurt yourself with your own anger. The Bible says, «A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes». So if I’m wise, I don’t compromise my integrity and I don’t antagonize your anger.
Number three, the third thing the Bible says, wisdom is gentle all the time. It’s gentle all the time. It is courteous, the Bible says, in the Living Bible, NIV translates it «considerate». If I’m wise, I’m always gonna be considerate. Look up here on the screen, Philippians 4:5 says this in the Bible, «Let everyone see that you are considerate in most of everything you do». Oh, it didn’t say that, it says, «Let everybody see that you are considerate in,» what? «All you do…» I don’t like that word. I looked it up in the original Greek, it means «all». «Wait a minute, you mean I have to be considerate when people are inconsiderate to me,» yes. «I have to be considerate to clerks who are jerks,» yes. «When people are rude to me, I don’t get to be rude back,» no, not if I’m smart.
If I’m foolish, I can get back. But if I want to be wise, if I wanna have wisdom, I am always, always, always considerate. I am not allowed to call you names, I am not allowed to be rude to you, I’m not allowed to slur you back, I’m not allowed to get even, because that puts me on the same level as you. I am always to be considerate. Now, this is so important. Wise people are considerate even when people are blasting away at them, why? Because being considerate is the antidote to the two most common mistakes, foolish mistakes that you make in relationships. The two most common mistakes that you make in relationships, and the first mistake you make is we react to what people say and ignore how people feel: dumb. We pay too much attention to their words and not enough attention to their emotions. The words don’t really matter.
People say stuff when they’re angry they don’t even mean. They use words they don’t even intend to use. They exaggerate things, but you need to look behind the words and look at the emotion because that’s what it is. People don’t always say what they mean, but they always feel what they feel. And so if you are wise in a relationship, you stop focusing on what your kids, or your boyfriend, or your husband, or your wife, or your boss says that just ticks you off and you start looking behind and go, «What’s the emotion they’re feeling there, and why are they feeling that emotion»?
That’s what wise people do. You see, being considerate means simply, mindful of the feelings of others. To be considerate means mindful of the feelings of others, not the words but the feelings. And if I’m considerate, even when you blast me, I look beyond and I go, now what would cause them to feel that way? And I just let the words roll right past me, and I go, what would cause them to be that uptight, that irritated, that rude? Hurt people always hurt people. Unkind people are those who need your kindness the most. They need massive doses of kindness. When people are rude and unkind, they are screaming to the world, «I’m in pain». People who are not in pain are kind, People who are always in pain are unkind and rude. Hurt people hurt people.
So you look beyond the words and you look at the feelings. Romans 15:2 says this, «We must be considerate, of the doubts and the fears,» everybody’s got fears, «of others. Let’s please the other person, not ourselves, in doing what’s good for him and build him up». We react to what people say and ignore what they’re feeling. Big mistake. The other mistake we do is we invalidate any feelings that we don’t feel ourselves. I don’t feel it, so you shouldn’t. If I don’t feel what you feel, then your feeling is dumb, it’s irrational, it’s illogical, it makes no sense, and you shouldn’t feel it, and we just dismiss it because we don’t feel it, then you shouldn’t feel it. That’s foolish, that is not wise. You ever played this game? It’s cold in here… no, it’s not. Yes, it’s cold in here… no, it’s not. I’m cold… no, you’re not. Actually, it’s quite warm… in fact, I’m burning up in here… no, you’re not.
And you start arguing over, you know, all kinds of stuff, you know, it’s just a feeling, it’s not a fact, it’s just a feeling. You can argue over facts, this is a feeling. Can somebody be cold and somebody else be warm at the same time, yes. Yes, so why are you arguing about it? Whoever invented the dual control electric blanket should be given the Nobel Peace Prize. It saved millions of marriages. Now, if they can just figure out how to do the air conditioning in the car, and a little thing right in the middle. When we invalidate other people’s feelings because we don’t feel it, we minimize that person. Guys, if your girlfriend or your wife says to you, «I feel ugly». You don’t dismiss it, «You’re not ugly». That doesn’t help at all.
What you need to do is say, «Why would you feel that? What would make you say that»? Because you need to look beyond the feeling, I mean, the words and say, «Why would she say, I’m ug…she’s obviously not ugly». But for you to just say, «You’re not ugly,» that’s not helpful, that’s not helpful. When they say, «I feel ugly,» you need to go, «Why would you say that, what’s making you feel that today»? Now you’re getting to the real issue. Somebody says, «I’m afraid…» «Well, don’t be,» oh, thank you, that was very helpful. I really felt your moral support right there, just then, I was, you know, I’m scared to death and you say, «Don’t». Thank you very much. That is minimizing. Now, if you don’t get anything else I say, get this today. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they’re just there. They’re not facts, so you don’t need to argue it, they’re just feelings. And if I feel something, I shouldn’t have to defend it, and if you feel something, you shouldn’t have to defend it, somebody should just go, I hear you.