Peter Tan-Chi - How to Fix a Conflict
Deal with conflict God’s way. That means there is man’s way and God’s way. Now, what is man’s way of dealing with conflict? Gossip. What else? Slander. What else? You deny, you sweep it under the rug, or you fight, you go to court. If you don’t go to court, you go to social media and you keep posting things against the person. Is that right? My friend, that’s called the wrong way. What is the right way? The Bible tells us the right way of resolving conflict. I’d like you to learn the right way. You know why? You’re going to have conflict. The book of Mark, let’s read together, 11:25. «Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions». (Mark 11:25)
The Bible says, if you have a problem with somebody, and you pray, and you remember you don’t like that person, what are you supposed to do? Look, everybody read. «When you stand praying, forgive…» (Mark 11:25) Notice, it’s unilateral. Forgiveness is unilateral on my part. If you have hurt me, I forgive you, even if you don’t ask for forgiveness. Because when you forgive somebody, you release the poison from your own system. And then God gives you an amazing truth. God says, «so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you». (Mark 11:25)
Let’s look at Matthew. Let’s read together. Together. «Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar,» you are there to worship God, «and there remember that your brother has something against you» (Matthew 5:23) Now this time, it is somebody else that you know has something against you. The other verse, you have something against somebody. Now, somebody has something against you and you know about it. What must you do? «leave your offering there, before the altar. Go, first be reconciled to your brother and then come and present your offering». (Matthew 5:24) You see what God is saying? Is worship important? Worship is important. But the Bible says, if you really want to worship me, make sure you do your best to resolve relationship. Look at the book of Romans, what it tells us. «If possible», everybody read it now. «If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men». (Romans 12:18)
If possible. The truth is, it may not be possible. See, there are times I know people that may not like me or I’ve done something, and I want to approach them. But they don’t want to see me. Do you have that experience? You want to see somebody to resolve conflict, and that person does not want to see you? One of my advice is keep praying for that person. Just keep trying. If the person doesn’t want to respond, that’s okay. Your conscience is clear, but that’s the principle. Everybody, this is the secret of living a rested Christian life. You do your best to resolve conflict, if possible. Everybody read. «Never take your own revenge». (Romans 12:19) Some people resolve conflict by taking revenge. They go to court. They sue. Never do that as believers. You know why? The Bible tells us, «Beloved, leave room for the wrath of God. For it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay'». (Romans 12:19)
In other words, the reason why I can forgive people, it is not my job to even the score. It is not my job to always correct what is wrong in this world. It is the job of God. It is not your job nor my job to make sure everything is righteous. It is God’s job. Amen? How do you deal with conflict? The first C, okay? The first C is: Consider who you are. Say that with me. Consider who you are. Okay. Do you like to see the outline? All right, I’ll show you. Consider who you are. Number two, you must choose to glorify God in resolving conflict. And number three, you must commit your rights to God. Surrender your rights. Whatever is your right, the right for justice, the right for equity, the right for the share of family inheritance, you have to surrender rights to God. And lastly, Focus on God’s grace.
So, the first one. Consider who you are. Alright? Let’s look at the Bible. «Does anyone of you, when he has a case against his neighbor» (1 Corinthians 6:1), notice the grammar? When? It’s a certainty. You’re going to have problems. «When he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to the law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints? Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? If the world is judged by you, are you not competent to constitute the smallest law court»? (1 Corinthians 6:1-12) What the Bible is saying simply this, if you have a problem with another believer, example, same church, small group, why will you go to the law, to the court? He’s saying, don’t do that. Because you have to know who you are. The Bible says, everybody read, «Do you not know that the saints will judge the world»? (1 Corinthians 6:2)
Notice, do you not know? This phrase, do you not know, is repeated five times in chapter six. Do you not know? You will judge the world. Do you not know? You will judge angels. Do you not know you are part of the body of Christ? Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit? In other words, it’s all about, you got to know the truth. Now, who are the saints? Do you not know that the saints, what do you mean by the word saints? Anybody? Saints in the Bible simply means what? You are set apart by Christ. «Hagios». You are holy. You are dedicated to Jesus. That’s the meaning. «Hagios». Holy, set apart, the reason why you’re set apart is because when Jesus died on the cross, He paid for all of your sins.
So technically holy as the idea of all your sins have been forgiven by Christ. But more than that, holy means you are set apart for God. You cannot be set apart for God if there is sin in your life. Your sin has to be paid for. But now that you’re holy, God is saying you need to practice holiness. Let’s read the next verse. Verse 3. Again, «Do you not know that we will judge angels»? (1 Corinthians 6:3) Notice, you will not only judge the world, you will judge angels. «How much more matters of this life»? (1 Corinthians 6:3) What the Bible is saying is this, «Hey guys, you better know who you are. You belong to God, and someday you are going to judge the world».
I know many of you have never thought of this. The amazing legacy of God’s people. The Bible says, «Do you not know we will judge angels»? (1 Corinthians 3:1) Now, the word judge, you know what it means? It is not just judicial. It has to do with rule over. You are going to reign over this world and angels. And the Bible says, if you know who you really are, «So if you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church»? (1 Corinthians 6:4) What the Bible is saying is this, judges who are not believers do not really know the Word of God when it comes to judging. Their sense of righteousness, their sense of what is right or wrong may not always be biblical. They lack that spiritual dimension. While you know the Bible, you know what is right or wrong from God’s perspective. Secondly, you have the Holy Spirit. The doctrine of the reigning, the reign, the rulership of God’s people is found in the Old Testament and the New Testament.
Daniel chapter seven. «I kept looking until thrones were set up and the Ancient of Days took His seat» (Daniel 7:9) Who is the Ancient of Days? God. «I kept looking in the night visions and behold, with a cloud of heaven One like a son of man was coming and he came up to the Ancient of Days and He was presented before Him». (Daniel 7:13) This is very familiar with the book of Matthew. When Jesus tells us he’s going to come again, the Son of Man. Let’s read the next verse. «To Him was given,», the Son of Man, Jesus, «was given glory, Kingdom,» everybody read, «that all peoples, nations, men of every language might serve Him. His dominion is an everlasting dominion which will not pass away. His kingdom is one which will not be destroyed». (Daniel 7:14)
Study human history. Even the strongest kingdom will sooner or later pass away. And when Jesus was on earth, He spent time talking about the kingdom of heaven. He talked about the kingdom of God. Today, most of us are ignorant of that topic. I’m going to tell you now, the kingdom of God is real. Right now, you don’t see it with your eyes, but it’s real. Jesus is coming again to rule. Look at the next verse. «The saints,» oh, the saints, will you turn to your neighbor, «That’s you! That’s you! The saints. Yes, that’s you»! «The saints of the highest one will receive the kingdom». (Daniel 7:18) Wow! «Possess the kingdom», for how long? Forever. «For all ages to come». (Daniel 7:18) Wow! You will possess the kingdom. What else? «The sovereignty, dominion, and the greatness of all the kingdoms under the whole heaven will be given to the people of the saints of the Highest One». (Daniel 7:27)
Are you guys excited, yes or no? You are amazingly, supernaturally going to be so blessed. The Bible says everybody read slowly with feeling, huh? Notice. «And the greatness of all the kingdoms under the whole heaven will be given» (Daniel 7:27), to whom? «to the people of the saints of the Highest One». (Daniel 7:27) Question, are you a saint today? His kingdom will be an everlasting kingdom. And all the dominions will serve and obey him. I will show you now New Testament verses, okay? Let’s read. According to Revelation chapter 2. Let’s read this together. New Testament. «He who overcomes» (Revelation 2:26) In other words, you are faithful. You keep following Jesus. «And he who keeps my deeds», because Jesus is your Lord. «until the end,» you are faithful until the day you die. What’s the reward? Everybody read. «To Him, I’ll give authority over the nations». (Revelation 2:26)
You see, the promises of God are conditional. Let me show you the teaching of Jesus. What He said in Luke, according to Jesus. Everybody read. If you are faithful to God today, everybody read it now, «Well done, good slave because you have been faithful with a very little thing, you are to be in authority over», what? «ten cities». (Luke 19:17) Jesus even tells us, if you are faithful with small things, I will put you in charge of many things. (Luke 16:10) In other words, your life on earth is now the testing ground, the training ground for your future position in heaven. So, there’s a big difference between rewards of the future, whether you will reign with him or not, and salvation. Is salvation free? Louder. Yes. Who paid for it? Jesus. What about rewards? You do your part, but for me, it’s all by grace.
God gives me the desire and the power to be faithful. You must know who you are. Because by knowing who you are, your identity, you will know what you will possess. And now you will differentiate what is trivial and what is not. If you know what you’re going to get someday, you will stop fighting. Because you know what you have. Number two, consider, not no longer consider, choose to glorify God. You know why you need to choose to glorify God? Because you know who you are and what is important is to glorify God. You know what the Bible tells us? Look at this verse first, okay? What do you mean by glorify God? Everybody read. 1 Corinthians six first. «I say this to your shame. Is it so that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide between his brethren, but brother goes to law with brother, and that before unbelievers»? (1 Corinthians 6:5) He’s saying, «this is shameful».
It brings shame to Jesus and to God if you fight among yourselves, brother against brother. And that’s why the Bible tells us, whatever you will do in 1 Corinthians, I want you to read this. Everybody read this now. «Whatever you do,», together, «do all to the glory of God». (1 Corinthians 10:31) I have a friend from Sri Lanka. He was a professor, and he was sharing about a Buddhist judge, handling a case among Christians, you know what the Buddhist judge said? «You guys are Christians. Why don’t you solve your problem together? Why do you have to bring it to the judge»? In short, he’s saying, «You guys are Christians. Can you not solve the problem as Christians»?
You see, the Jews who are not Christians, the Jews will never go to court. The Jews will go to their synagogue. They’ll go to their elders and they’ll solve the problems among themselves. They will never go to court. It’s shame for us Christians. If you fight other believers because you bring shame. So, I love this principle, choose to glorify God. So, ladies and gentlemen, may I suggest, «whatever you do», read this one more time, «whatever you do, do all the glory of God». (1 Corinthians 10:31) Whatever you do, when you say something to your children, when you say something in your office, you ask yourself, will this bring glory to God? I always tell Christians, why do you share your problems with other people who are not part of the problem nor part of the solution? Why do you want to talk about it?
Many times you want to talk about it because you’re angry. You are pleasing yourself. You just want to vent it. You know what I mean? You just want to talk about it. That is called gossip. That is called self-centeredness. And you are not thinking of who you really are. You are a child of God. You are destined for greatness. In the meantime, forgive. In the meantime, deny yourself for the sake of the glory of God. Amen? Third principle. You must commit your rights to God. You see, all of us have perceived rights. When I say perceived rights, you feel you’re entitled to certain things. Entitled to what? Justice? Yes. Entitled to respect? If somebody maligns your reputation, you feel like you’re entitled to defend yourself? We have all of this, you know, ideas. But can I tell you something? The Bible tells us you must be willing to surrender, to commit your rights to God. What do I mean?
Let’s read the Bible. Look at 1 Corinthians chapter six, seven, and eight, «Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you that you have lawsuits with one another». (1 Corinthians 6:7) According to the Bible, you lost already. By going to court, you lost already. Bad testimony! «that you have lawsuits with one another». everybody read it now, together. «Why not rather be wronged»? (1 Corinthians 6:7) Wow, this is hard. «Why not rather be defrauded»? (1 Corinthians 6:7) I’m not saying it is always wrong to go to court. I’m not saying that. Paul is not saying that. Remember, Paul appealed to Caesar, he went to the court. When the opponents are not believers, of course, they don’t abide by biblical principles.
So sometimes you have to go to work. If the case is not civil, it’s about murder, rape, it is no longer you against the person, it is called the Republic of the Philippines versus, do you understand criminal cases versus civil cases? So, I’m not saying it is always wrong, but I’m saying as a principle, when you have problems with other believers, the principle is very clear: Don’t go to court. You need to do it God’s way. What is God’s way? Be willing to surrender your rights. Commit, what? Commit your rights to God. Be willing to sacrifice. It’s, I know it’s not easy. You know, it’s so, it’s difficult. «Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded»? (1 Corinthians 6:7) I know it’s not easy, but you know, that’s what the Bible says. Do you recall what Jesus told His disciples? What did Jesus say? «Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you». (Luke 6:27) It’s called the extra mile principle.
Christians, we cannot do this on our own power. Let me give you an example of surrendering your rights. One of my favorite stories is from the book of Genesis. Let’s read together. Genesis chapter, are you ready? Are you ready? Alright, let’s read Genesis chapter 13 together, «Now Abram was very rich in livestock, silver and gold». (Genesis 13:2) " Now Lot who went with Abram had flocks and herds and tents». (Genesis 13:5) So, they were both blessed. «And the land could not sustain while dwelling together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to remain together». (Genesis 13:6) What was the problem? They were so blessed. There was a problem. Read the next verse. «And there was strife», wow! «Conflict between the herdsmen of Abram’s livestock and the herdsmen of Lot’s livestock». (1 Corinthians 6:7)
There was a strife. So what do you do when there’s strife? Now, the Bible inserted a phrase. That phrase, for many people, don’t make sense. Now in Canaanite. «Now the Canaanite and the Perizzite were dwelling in the land». (1 Corinthians 6:7) You know why this phrase was put there? You want to know my theory? God is telling us, and Abram knew this. There were unbelievers. There were pagans watching them. Abram and Lot were family members surrounded by pagans, surrounded by unbelievers, Canaanites, and the Perizzites. So what will you do? The Bible tells us, choose to glorify God. Abram understood we should not fight because unbelievers are watching us.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you to glorify God? Surrender your rights. The right to be what you like to be. You don’t have that right. Your right is to be what Jesus wants you to be. Don’t think you have a right to say what you want to say. No, no. You have a responsibility toward Jesus. So, what did Abram do? Let’s continue reading. «Abram said to Lot, 'Please, let there be no strife. between you and me, between my herdsmen and your herdsmen.'» (Genesis 13:8) We are, everybody read, «for we are brothers». (Genesis 13:8) «Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me; if to the left, then I will go to the right; or if to the right, then I go to the left». (Genesis 13:9) You see, to be a Christian in resolving conflict, you have to humble yourself. Surrender your rights and take that initiative. You know, some people are very passive. You know something is wrong already. Most men are passive.
Gentlemen, I want you to assume responsibility. When you see something is wrong, you got to initiate. Abraham took the initiative. So, what was his offer? You choose first. Now listen to me. If your business is livestock, what kind of land will you choose? Aha! I will show you. Look at the next verse. «Lot lifted up his eyes and saw all the valley of the Jordan that it was well», everybody read, «watered everywhere» (Genesis 13:10) This Lot is wise. «This was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, like the garden of the Lord. like the land of Egypt» (Genesis 13:10) «So Lot chose for himself all the valley of the Jordan, and Lot journeyed eastward. Thus they separated from each other». (Genesis 13:11)
Now, if you were the advisor of Abram, what would you tell Abram? «Boss, we are defeated. it’s a very bad, bad deal». Am I correct? You know, God is amazing. Let’s read. «The LORD said to Abram, after Lot that had separated from him», (Genesis 13:14) Notice this after. «Now lift up your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward; for all the land which you see, I will give it to you and to your descendants forever». (Genesis 13:14–15) God appeared to reassure Abram. God is saying, «Abram, I will handle this. I will take care of you».
You see, when you surrender your rights, it’s very scary. Who will take care of my financial needs? Who will take care of my family if I just keep giving in? What about me? God is saying to Abram, «I will take care of you». You see, the faith of Abram was not in the land. His faith was not in the water, was not in the grass. The faith of Abram was ultimate blessing comes from who? God. His faith is in God, not in the land. Many years have gone by. Lot was prospering and God took care of Abraham, but 20 plus years later, something happened. God told Abraham, I’m going to do something in the valley. From chapter 13 to 19. It’s a span of 20 plus years. Okay?
«and he (Abraham) looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the valley. and he saw, and behold, the smoke of the land ascended like the smoke of a furnace. Thus it came about, when God destroyed the cities of the valley. that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in which Lot lived». (Genesis 19:28–29) By surrendering his rights, Abraham did not, at that time know the blessing. What was the blessing of Abraham when he surrendered everything to God? The blessing of protecting his own life. Lot lost everything. Lot lost his wife. Lot lost all of his possessions. Abraham did not stay in that place. Because God knew what’s going to happen. God protected Abraham, protected his wife, protected his family, protected his possessions. My friend, when you surrender your rights to God, you got to know one thing. God assumes responsibility for your well-being. Amen?
So, ladies and gentlemen, to overcome, to resolve conflict, you must always remember, deal with conflict God’s way, not your way. What is God’s way? Consider who you really are. A child of God, son of God, a prince. Next, you must choose whatever you do to glorify who? God. And what else? Choose, commit to surrender your rights. And lastly, lastly. Focus on God’s grace. What do I mean? Focus on God’s grace. Now, this is amazing. Look at 1 Corinthians. «On the contrary, you yourselves wrong» (1 Corinthians 6:8), that’s the Greek word is adikeo, a verb, «and defraud. You do this even to your brethren. Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived, neither fornicators, idolaters, etc., effeminate, etc». (1 Corinthians 6:8-10)
Why is this verse connected with resolving conflict? You know why? The secret is in verse 8. You will not understand why the Apostle Paul wrote, «Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the King of God»? (1 Corinthians 6:9) He is telling the Corinthian believers, if you keep suing other brothers, if you keep violating God’s word, «you yourselves wrong», that word wrong is the word for unrighteousness. In the verb form, you yourselves, unrighteous, you are doing unrighteous acts and you are defrauding by going to court, you are grabbing something. You do this even to your brothers. He’s saying, because of this principle, you are cheating, you are grabbing, you are doing something unrighteous. He now says, do you not know? Again, right thinking. Do you not know that the unrighteous? Same root word, this one is adjective, adikos, meaning unrighteous, you are doing something wrong. Everybody read now, «will not inherit the kingdom of God» (1 Corinthians 6:9)
I’m warning everybody here now, what is the meaning of this verse? Do not be deceived. You know why? Because many people are misled by false Bible teachers. Believe in Jesus, raise your hand, go forward, accept Christ. It does not matter how you live. Uh, uh. The way you live is the evidence of your faith. How you live today is the evidence, before God, before angels, that you are a follower of Jesus. Let me repeat. Salvation is a free gift. It’s all by grace. However, grace will change a person. And that’s exactly what this verse is saying. This verse saying this, do not be deceived. Now, everybody read, neither fornicators, sex outside of marriage, any kind of sex. is called fornication. Nor idolatrous. I don’t have to explain this, Anything you put ahead of God. Nor adulterers, I don’t need to explain this, nor effeminate, nor homosexual, these two words are part of the list of sins.
People used to say, why are we picking on homosexuals and effeminate? No, no, no. I’m just telling you what the Bible is saying about sin. All of these are sinful. Now be careful when people misinterpret the Bible, they say this word and this word means abuse of sex. No, no, no. It is very clear. Effeminate is a man acting like a woman. He’s being penetrated. So it is homosexuality. Homosexuals are men lying with other men. Read the next verse. Nor thieves, stealing something. How many of you are guilty of stealing something? Once upon a time in your life. Nor the covetous, are you covetous? Drunk, drunkards, how many of you have been drunk? Don’t raise your hand. That’s okay. Revilers, abusive language. Swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. But then the Bible does not stop here.
You see, the grammar here is you practice this kind of sin. It’s a way of your life. But then look at the next verse. I love the next verse. «Such were some of you; you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God» (1 Corinthians 6:11) You know what the Bible is saying? Because of the grace of God, you look at the grammar, emphatic, you were washed. Completely forgiven. Because of the grace of God, you were sanctified. You were made holy. Wow! Because of the grace of God, you were justified, declared not guilty. And it is only possible because of the grace of God that you and I, once upon a time, we were doing all of the above sins, but today… are we all changed? Are we all forgiven? Yes or no? Praise God!
As we close, let me read to you one verse. «For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness, worldly desire, and to live sensibly, righteously, and godly in the present age». (Titus 2:11–12) The Bible tells us it is by grace that we are changed. Notice the grace of God not only brings salvation, we’re saved by grace, but it brings transformation, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires. The grace of God is the one that gives you the desire and the power to live righteously. You and I cannot live the Christian life in our own strength. We need the grace of God, and the grace of God is available if you are willing to humble yourselves before God. In the case of MJ, God had to break him. Until he was broken with HIV, he realized he really needed a Savior. But he grew up with a Christian background. My friend, saying Christian words, doing what Christian is doing does not make you a Christian.
What makes you a Christian is when your heart, is broken with your sin and you say, «Lord, I need You, help me». So the grace of God brings salvation. «It teaches you, instructing us to deny ungodliness, worldly desires, and above all, it gives you the power to live sensibly, righteously, and godly». (Titus 2:12) Do you need the grace of God? I do. I cannot resolve conflict, I cannot deal with conflict God’s way, apart from His grace. You must realize who you are in Christ by grace. You must know that everything you do must be for His glory. By grace. You must also know you are to surrender your rights. And you can only do that by grace. Let’s bow our heads and pray.
Father God in heaven, I thank You for Your Word. I thank You for who You are. In the Bible, I thank You for Your grace. Lord, without Your grace, how can we change? It is by Your grace that homosexuals, adulterers, liars can change. So will You give us this amazing privilege of experiencing Your grace day by day? I pray for people here who are struggling with sin. They’re struggling with their private lives. Today, I pray that they will reach out to You, humble themselves, and receive Your grace.
You pray this prayer with me. If you want really to surrender your own, pray something like this:
Lord Jesus, I need You, I need Your grace, I am a sinner, I am very weak, I have a hard time resisting temptation, today I come before You. Help me to repent of my sins, I repent of all the sinful desires that I have, I surrender them to You and by grace, I receive You as my Lord and my Savior. In Jesus' name we all pray, Amen and Amen.