Marcus Mecum - Five Things To Consider BEFORE You Get Married
Mark 10:9, "Therefore what God has joined," everybody say, "Joined". "Together, let no one separate". "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate". I wanna give you these five keys before you say, "I do". These are five must haves before you say, "I do". The key to that verse is, "What God has joined". What God has joined. In Matthew 1:6, you have the genealogy of Jesus and in the genealogy, it's listing, so and so begat so and so, and it gets to king David, whose son was Solomon. And then, it mentions Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah.
So, we would know that after David killed Uriah, he married Bathsheba, but yet, 2,000 years later when the author of the New Testament is being breathed on by the Holy Spirit to talk about who Bathsheba's husband is God passes by king David and still makes it clear, was the wife of Uriah. Which means, you can have a marriage on earth that is not recognized in heaven. What God has joined, not a legal document, not a ceremony. Did you do it God's way? Did you do it according to God's word? "Well, that's old school". "What source of authority are you coming from"? "The way I feel, or the current trend".
Well, I'm just gonna help you our real quick, you can go back through the scripture and all those same trends, all those same cultural phenomenons have all been around forever. All the same emotional feelings, and they all ended the same way, in some level of failure and some level of hurting the future generations. And so, what God has joined... What has God joined together? If you were to do an autopsy on the marriages that have ended in divorce, and the death of those marriages, not in all cases, but in most cases what you would see is a relationship that God didn't join together. Lust joined it, control, manipulation, deception.
Some other types of things, some other type of needs, some other type of unmet expectations where we thought we could get that from someone else was pursued, and that joined it together, but God was not present in the joining. And so, I want to discuss with you what you do not after you say, "I do". But what are some things you should do before you say, "I do". And so, it is going to get uncomfortable if it's not already, because most of us are, even if we're single, we're looking or we're maybe even kind of in a dating relationship, or we're curious about someone, or maybe we're coming out of a dating relationship.
And so, you probably know that your relationships are about to be put under a microscope during this message, and they're probably going to be tested. And so, whether you want to look at it today or not, whether you like this or not, or whether you're gonna be comfortable with what I'm saying, at some point the relationship will be put under the microscope. Whether it's in this service or in your future. The tests are going to come, kids are going to come, financial problems are going to come, the undealt with issues in your past are going to find a way to come back up to the surface, or you're going to make it through all kinds of things, push it all the way down and get all the way to the empty-nester phase, then the microscope's gonna come out, and then the relationship is going to be tested.
So, I would rather you be uncomfortable today than face painful failure in the future. And so, real clear upfront, let's be as point blank as we can be when you chose to spend the rest of your life with another person that is a big deal. Outside of your relationship with Jesus Christ because that's the relationship that doesn't just last in this life, but it determines where you'll spend eternity. Outside of that relationship, the most important relationship choice you will ever make will be who your husband or who your wife will be. It does not get any more important than that. And so, let's go through five must haves. Five must haves before you say, "I do".
Number one is chemistry. Where something beyond you is beginning to happen. There's a spark. There is a drawing to that person and it's important that you have chemistry, it's important that you have a spark. However, it is first, not because it's most important in this sermon, it's first because it's least important. Most of our regrets come because you overvalue chemistry. So, it's the first thing, but it's not the whole thing. You can have chemistry with a lot of people every single day. Every single day you can have chemistry with somebody. Matter of fact, you have chemistry with multiple people in the same day.
So, chemistry is important, but it's not the most important. You wanna have physical attraction, you wanna have a mutual interest, you wanna have some type of intellectual stimulation. But be aware that God is not the only chemist. He created the elements, he created the molecules, he did all of that, but the devil has a chemistry set too. How many of y'all remember the chemistry sets growing up? Anybody besides me ever had a chemistry set? And for a little bit, you put this little thing, and this little thing together in the little test tubes. And you put the flame on it.
And you'll ooh, and you'll ahh, and it'll be awesome, but you hear all kinds of nightmare stories about, before you know it something blew up in some kid's face, right? Because they underestimated just because there's chemistry, just because there's a wow, just because there's a whoa. Just because it's impressive. Hey, listen, at the end of the day the devil can make that thing blow up in your face. So, chemistry is important. You must have chemistry, but you must have more than chemistry.
Number two, you must have connection. It's a draw into something deeper. This is when I like what I see through their eyes, it's when they like what they see when they look my eyes. Connection is I like who I am when I'm in their presence, and I like who I am when I leave their presence. Because in every relationship there is some level of exchange. And sometimes, we find ourselves connected to people we would never want to be. So, no matter how powerful a connection is, you have to still evaluate, is that connection heaven sent or is it hell sent? Because I might want to be one thing and they want to be the opposite of that thing in character, in nature, in dreams, in the approach to life, and what happens when I connect with someone that wants the opposite of what I want in life, they become poison to my destiny, and my future, and then I get into the relationship, and wonder how did I possibly get here.
It's because you wanted chemistry, chemistry with strong, all the fireworks were there, but you did not have something deeper in connection. So, you must have chemistry, but you must have more than chemistry, you must have connection. Think about your connection stories in your life, how you met someone, where you met them, what the connection was like. Think about the beginning of that. Now, look out from that moment who the circles were, who the people were around at, who your friends were, what the environment was. Because one of the things I taught my girls growing up is the most important thing you can do if you have chemistry, if you feel a spark with somebody is to look at their social circles.
Who they hang out with? What their friends are like? How do they connect with the same sex? How they connect with the opposite sex? And you can learn a lot about a person by watching their social circles, who they're drawn to, where they're drawn to, and then even inside of social circles, healthy social circles usually have some type of leadership, usually have some type of authority. If they're always pushing back on accountability, if they're always pushing back on awareness of themselves, and awareness of what's going on around them. In other words, if they thing the world orbits around them, and they don't care who they destroy around them, that is a sign of someone you should be cautious if you really wanna take the next step. You might have all the chemistry in the world, but connection matters as well.
Number three is wholeness. The Bible here said, "Let not man separate". Remember the biblical account of the ten lepers. Jesus, he heals them and he says, "Go show yourself to the priests". And then, the one returns and says, "Thank you". And Jesus says, "Where's the other nine"? He says, "I don't know". And Jesus says to him, "Your faith has made you whole". So, a very consistent interpretation of that text is there's a difference between being healed and being made whole. So, we see here that there are nine who were looking to fix their problems, nine who wanted this God thing so they could, you know, maybe heal from a particular issue in their life. Maybe be restored of some type of infirmity in their life.
But there was one who had to separate from the whole group, because the nine, though they got healed were never made whole. They never pursued something greater than just physical healing, they were never made whole, body, soul, and spirit, and because they were not healthy, he had to separate from the unhealthy to be made whole. So, what you'll find is the healthier you are, the more unhealthy people will pull away from you. Because what does health look like? I have boundaries, I have standards, I have convictions, I know who I am whether you're in my life or not.
And so, when you get healthy, it's very difficult to connect because a lot of people, many times the majority, let's say 90% of people are approaching life, even with God in unhealthy ways. And so, it's going to be lonely, right, the one is what it says, the one got with God. He just said, "Man, listen, I don't know about people, but I'm going to get with God and do what I can do to be healthy". This is where you say, "My private battles matter. My private victories matter. Getting wholeness in my own heart is important whether I'm accepted by the group or not". But what we do, is we look for affirmation by other dominant people cheering us on. Who's our little circle.
And I've pastored for a long time, and if there is someone unhealthy over here and there's someone unhealthy over here, they don't even have to know each other, give them a few weeks in church and they just find each other. Because like attracts like, spirit attracts spirit, birds of the same feather flock together. It's a magnet. So, if you're going to be healthy, you're gonna have to learn that most of the time, all the unhealthy people, they're setting the whole world on fire, or just in their own little dumpster fire, and every now and then, you just gotta take out the trash and make it a decision.
"Listen, I can't pay no attention to that, I'm on a path of gratefulness and I desire wholeness in my life". Because if you're in a relationship with someone who isn't whole or healthy, and you desire to be, in your effort to be healthy, they will feel like you're pulling away from them. And the truth is, you becoming healthy is not only the best thing for you, it's the best thing for them. And it's the best thing for the relationship. So, both people need a sense of being drawn to wanting to get healthy, and if you don't get it before you get married, trust me, you're going to have to get it after. And I'm talking from experience.
You say, "Well, if you did it, I can do it". You can do it however you wanna do it. I'm saying, if you'll do something's upfront to get healthy, to get whole, and the other person that you're desiring gets healthy and whole, then it's a whole lot easier to get healthy and whole on your own, than it is to try to fight through it when you're in a marriage and you got kids, and you got bills, and all the accounts are tied together, and all the stuff is intertwined, it's a whole lot harder then than it is before. So, you have to make the decision, "I'm not going to discount who I am to make you feel better about the areas you're being cheap".
If you're single, you need to look at the crowd around you, and realize there's no cheap or easy way to become whole. It will cost you. There is a price to it. And you gotta look at the people who don't desire that and be clear if you want cheap and easy, you're not gonna find it here, you're gonna have to find it somewhere else because I see greatness in my future, I see a desire for God to do big things in my future, and I'm will to pay the price for it, I wanna know, are you willing to pay the price for it? So, wholeness comes after connection for a reason. Connection has to be qualified because many times what we call love isn't love.
It's codependency masquerading as love. It's not love. I need from another person something I didn't get in my childhood. It's like an incomplete circle, I'm hoping to complete, and because I couldn't resolve, it's like being in the middle of the movie during the part that nothing's resolved or maybe everything's full of fear, or everything's full of pain, and you just turn the movie off. There's just something about it that was never resolved. And what codependency does is, it says, I wasn't able to save or fix a situation in my childhood, so now, as I get older I start looking for that in someone else, how I can save and fix them. That's not love, that's codependency. And I'm not here to be a psychologist, or a counselor, but I have learned, you can't ignore pain. You can act like it's not there, just like you can act like there's not the drum set behind me.
Look at me, not the drum set. Now, for about the next two minutes of my sermon, you know what you're gonna be thinking about? The drum set. Because pain has a way of drawing your focus into it. And so, the pre-marriage litmus test is, can I say with sincerity, I'm good all by myself. Is what's drawing me to this person godly and healthy or is it the brokenness that somewhere along life's road, was created and now there is this big vacuum I'm trying to fill with this person, or that person? So, you get to this place where you say, "I need to be made whole. I need wholeness. If I never find mr. Right, if I never meet my soulmate, if lightning never strikes in my life, if I never find my Romeo, or my Juliet, me and Jesus are good. I hope to find someone, I'd like to find someone, however I'm not defined by a label called marriage, I'm good all by myself".
This is why the Bible says, the most important relationship is first vertical, "Love the Lord your God with all you heart, soul, mind, and strength, and then you can love your neighbor, those closest to you as you love yourself". But the vertical is first. And once you connect vertically with God, you start to learn how to love yourself, appreciate yourself, care for yourself, and out of that there's an overflow you can love other people.
And so, when you come to God, and you say, "You healed me, you mended me, you took the broken pieces of my life and you put them back together and you made me whole, God why did you do that? You didn't do that so I could forsake that and go looking for someone else to complete me. No, I'm complete and whole in who I am in you. And now, when I go out looking for people in life, it's not to complete me, it's so I can complement them, and they can complement me, they can add that little extra cherry on top to my life, and I can add the extra cherry on to their life. They're not the meat and potatoes", that's my relationship with God. That's where I get help, that's where I get nurtured, that's where I get strong, and out of that I get it in that someone else.
Number four, divine confirmation. This is where God endorses your relationship. The word join means caused to be one. Notice the wording, therefore, or one translation says, "If God joins together," if. Which means someone or something else might be causing the joining. If. God can bring someone together with another person, God can appoint that relationship, God can anoint that relationship, but you have to know there's also other things that could bringing the joining. And if you break this major law of divine confirmation, you'll learn that you can be joined to somebody, but it is illegal. It is not endorsed by God.
Can you survive if you break the law of divine confirmation? Yes. Can you thrive? No. You have to seek God. You have to believe that heaven's going to back it up, and you have to ask yourself a bigger question if you're single, why would you ever want someone who God did not bring into your life, and join you with in the first place? So, you have to ask yourself, is this person someone that God has brought into my life? You wanna know who the sender is. Is God the sender, or is the devil the sender? Why? I've said this next praise more than any other phrase I've probably ever said in pastoring all these years. The reason you wanna know who the sender is, is because if the devil wants to destroy your life, he sends a person. If God wants to bless your life, he sends a person.
So, divine confirmation. Divine confirmation. Is God the sender? And this is tricky, because we want something so bad many times that we're willing to create, and manufacture divine confirmation because that's the thing that shuts everybody up. God told me to do this. So, what do you wanna do? If you're in a relationship, and it's beginning to get serious, find a peaceful place. Maybe it'll be hours, maybe it'll days if you can make that happen, it's just you, a journal, a Bible, maybe some worship music, maybe a peaceful place that brings you a sense of who you are, and in that place you'll find a moment of peace, and ask God at that moment, "Did you send this person"?
I'm not saying the person is evil. I'm not saying the person is bad. I'm saying, you wanna know, did God send them? And the reason this is so difficult is because sometimes there's so much emotion in it that it hinders what God is trying to say to us. So, we have to pull away, find a peaceful place and hear from God. And this is my promise to you, God is not greedy with confirmation. He will let you know, but he's gonna stop you from pushing through 18,000 stop signs and a trillion red flags because you wanna force something. And you say, "But it's taking too long, it's taking too long. Everybody else has got it, everybody else is moving forward". Hey, listen, we're talking about your whole life and slow is fast when it comes to the most important decisions.