Jeff Schreve - Home Sweet Home
Summary:
In this message from the «Built to Last» series on marriage and family, the preacher uses childhood memories of tag to illustrate that home should be a safe refuge and «home sweet home,» a slice of heaven filled with love, joy, and peace, rather than turmoil. Turning to 1 Peter 3:8-12, he offers three practical encouragements for believers to foster this by God’s power: developing a godly attitude (harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, humble), practicing godly communication (not retaliating, guarding the tongue, speaking in love), and actively seeking and pursuing peace through resolving conflicts and forgiveness. The conclusion emphasizes personal responsibility—focusing on what you can change in yourself—to make home the blessing God intended.
Introduction: Home as a Safe Place
If you have your Bible, please turn to 1 Peter chapter 3. We want to talk in our series on marriage and family called «Built to Last.» We want to discuss «Home Sweet Home.» Now, when I was a kid growing up, I was born in 1962. I know it’s shocking to many of you because you thought I was like 82, but no, it’s 1962. I grew up in the 60s and early 70s; that was my childhood.
Anyone who grew up during that time period knows we had like five channels on television: ABC, NBC, CBS, and a couple of UHF stations. If you were desperate beyond desperation, you watched Public Television. I mean, five or six channels—that was all you had. We didn’t have any sort of electronic games, so as a kid, you spent a lot of time outside because there wasn’t just a ton to do inside. I came from a big family; I’m the fifth of six kids, and so when you went outside, you always had playmates and people on the street.
One of the things I remember playing a lot was mentioned in the video. One of the little girls they asked about what she liked about school spoke about the game tag. I liked playing tag too and we would play variations of tag. One of the variations was freeze tag. Freeze tag was really fun because the person who was «it» would touch somebody, and then that person would be frozen. The others would have to touch him before they got caught so they could unfreeze him. The thing about tag was when you played, you always set up what was going to be home base. Home base is critical in tag because when you’re touching home, nobody can get you out. That’s a safe place, a refuge. So, if you’re being chased by the person who is «it,» and you touch home, then they can’t get you out.
That’s such a vivid picture, and it sets in the minds of kids what home is supposed to be. Home is supposed to be a safe place, a good place of refuge. But for so many people, home is not like that. God has set it up in His plan and design; home is supposed to be a slice of heaven. When He established marriage and the family unit, He said this is supposed to be because of the grace of life, as stated in 1 Peter 3:7. Marriage, family, and children—that’s the grace of life! It’s supposed to be a wonderful thing; it’s supposed to be a place where there’s love, joy, and peace.
Out in the world, when you go to school, when you go to work, that’s where you slay dragons, where you fight, where you face opposition. But then you come home, and that’s where you can rest, recharge, and laugh. So often, it’s not like that. For many, it’s not a slice of heaven; it’s an outpost of hell.
Real-Life Examples of Broken Homes
A man recently told me about his first marriage that failed. He said, «I hated to come home.» Why? Because he was going to come home to screaming, yelling, and nagging. He would have preferred to stay at work. Debbie and I lived across the street from a family some years ago. Their son, who was about eight, would always be on the street, even into the night. I never understood why that kid was never in the house—he was always out in the street. I eventually found out about his home, which was full of turmoil, yelling, and screaming between mom and dad and the daughter. He couldn’t take it, so he just figured, «I don’t want to hear all that. I don’t want to be around that. It’s just so much turmoil; it’s so unpleasant. I’m going to stay outside where it’s safe.»
It’s sad because home is supposed to be a safe place. God has a lot to say about the home—He has much to say about what He designed it to be and how it can be a place of love, joy, and peace, a place where you want to go, enjoy being, and feel truly safe.
Context in 1 Peter
In 1 Peter chapter 3, the Lord talks about marriage. The book of 1 Peter is written to Christians who are experiencing difficulties, struggles, and hardships, and it serves as encouragement from the Apostle Peter to keep walking with God. Keep trusting Him; yes, you’re suffering a little, but it’s necessary—God is using that. Keep being an example of the Lord Jesus Christ, an example to lost people of what it really means to be a Christian.
He discusses in 1 Peter how we are supposed to walk in terms of the government and how we’re supposed to live in that sphere. Then he talks about our job relationships in terms of master/slave, using that analogy to show how you should be a good slave if you’re in that situation. Then he talks about marriage, how wives can win their husbands who are disobedient to the word even without a word, just by their chaste and respectful behavior. In 1 Peter 3:1-6, he provides six verses about how a wife is to be to her husband and just one verse, verse 7, about how a husband is to be to his wife. Somebody said, «Why six verses for the wife and only one for the husband?» Women are just more verbal, which is one of the commentaries I read. It’s succinct for a man. He talks about how you do marriage and family, and then in verse 8, he says, «To sum up, all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit.»
Not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead, for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. «For let him who means to love life and see good days refrain his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking guile. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and His ears attend to their prayer; but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.»
Three Encouragements for a Sweet Home
I want to share with you three encouragements from 1 Peter chapter 3, verses 8 through 12—three encouragements so you can experience love, joy, and peace at home, and home can once again become a slice of heaven. These are all things that, by God’s power, you can do.
Do you remember a couple of weeks ago when I had everyone lock their fingers and make a little circle? Remember that? I said the only person you can change is the person in the circle. Well, today, we’re working on the person in the circle—we’re working on you. Just like that old adage, «Only you can prevent forest fires,» it seems like a lot of pressure; it’s only you who can do that. You have to do your part. So, in the home situation, let’s work on you and talk about what you can do by God’s grace and power to make a difference at home, to make home a truly sweet place.
Encouragement 1: Develop a Godly Attitude
Encouragement number one: you can develop a godly attitude. A godly attitude—look at verse 8 again. «To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit.» He names five things—five attitudes that you and I can have that reflect God’s attitudes. You can develop a godly attitude. Now, it stands to reason that if you’re going to have a godly attitude, you need God’s help to do that. If something is going to be godly, it requires God’s help. In order for you and me to have a home filled with godly attitudes, we need to be filled with the Spirit. We have to be controlled by God’s Spirit. We must cry out to the Lord, «Lord, enable me to do this.»
See, the Scriptures say in Ephesians 5:18, «Do not be drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.» Then it goes on to talk about husband and wife relationships and kid relationships in Ephesians 5, and in Ephesians chapter 6, it states that you need to be filled with the Spirit to navigate marriage and family. God wants to enable you to do it, and so by God’s Spirit, you can produce a harmonious atmosphere. When I yield myself to the Holy Spirit, suddenly the Holy Spirit is sitting on the throne of my life; He’s in charge, and He can produce a harmonious atmosphere in my life and home as Debbie and I are both yielded to the Holy Spirit.
«To sum up, let all be harmonious, ” He says. Now, that word „harmonious“ in Greek is a compound word; it literally means to be like-minded—homo, which means the same, and phronos, which means mind. God is saying, „Hey, if you have the same mind, then you can have harmony in your home.“ If you’re playing off the same page of music, then you’re going to have harmony in the home. If Debbie is yielded to the Holy Spirit of God and I am yielded to the Holy Spirit of God, the Holy Spirit doesn’t fight with Himself—He gets along with Himself. There is going to be harmony in our home when we both want what the Savior wants—not what self wants—but what the Spirit wants. We’re yielded to Him; it’s not a pretty sight to be at a home filled with disharmony.
God says, „If you yield to my Spirit, then I can make your home harmonious.“ Your wife wants what the Spirit wants, your husband wants what the Spirit wants, and the kids want what the Spirit wants, creating a harmonious atmosphere. Secondly, the Holy Spirit not only produces a harmonious atmosphere but also a kind and caring heart. „To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, kind-hearted, and brotherly.“ Wow! Sympathetic, brotherly, and kind-hearted—three things that speak of kindness and caring.
„Sympathetic“ is a word that literally means having a fellow feeling—mutually commiserated. What does that mean? To be mutually commiserated. It says in Romans 12, „Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.“ That’s what it means to be sympathetic—mutually commiserated. When you’re having a bad day, somebody comes alongside you and commiserates with you. You know, guys, especially our wives, it’s hard for us, but when they tell you about their struggles, trials, and hard days, and how the kids were unruly, they don’t want you to fix it. They don’t want your solutions; all they want is your shoulder. All they want is your sympathy. All they want is for you to commiserate with them and say, „Man, that is a hard day. I’m so sorry, darling, that you had such a rough day.“ For women, that makes them feel so good; it’s like, „He gets it! He understands!“
For us, it’s like, „I didn’t do anything. I just told you how bad it was.“ But to a woman, it’s kind of like a plant. She’s working with the kids all day, especially as a stay-at-home mom, and she’s just starting to drain. You know how plants can be if they don’t have water—they begin to wilt. When she tells you about her tough day, what do you do? You tell her all the things she’s doing wrong, and she just feels even more wilted. But if you sympathize, commiserate, and show kindness and caring, it’s like pouring water on a withered plant. All of a sudden, she just feels so much better.
Ah, kindness and caring in your home! It says to be brotherly, sympathetic, brotherly. You know, the word for brotherly is „philadelphus,“ from which we get our English word „Philadelphia.“ Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love. Philadelphus represents that kind of friendship love. And then to be kind-hearted means to have compassion—to be tender-hearted toward another person, especially toward your mate and kids. Compassion means to suffer with someone. Debbie and I are getting ready to conduct a Family Life conference in Jacksonville, Florida. I remember several conferences ago when one of the guys we were working with said that couples, husbands, and wives tend to quit being friends. He said, „You need to rekindle your friendship; your spouse should be your best friend outside of the Lord Jesus Christ.“
It’s the person you want to spend time with; it’s each other you want to be with. He said this about friends, „A friend is someone who enjoys your company and does not have a plan for your immediate improvement.“ You notice that about married couples: suddenly, you want to get together with each other to fix things. That’s not what a friend does; a friend is someone who enjoys your company. We need to get to that place where we’re friends again, where we enjoy each other’s company. The Holy Spirit can produce that kindness, caring, sympathy, and compassion that homes desperately need.
The thing about the Holy Spirit is that He wants to do all those things, but He only works when you are humble. That brings us to the last part of verse 8: „a humble spirit.“ The Holy Spirit won’t work in a proud heart because God is opposed to the proud; He gives grace to the humble. God is like a football player lined up in his stance. If you’re filled with pride, He’s going to knock your block off. He says, „Listen, I’m opposed to the proud, but I give grace to the humble.“ If you want the Lord, by His Spirit, to be in charge of you so that you would have harmony, kindness, compassion, sympathy, and those wonderful things, then you have to humble yourself before the Lord and say, „Lord, I can’t do this by myself. Lord, do it through me. You love my spouse, my kids.“ Yes, kids, say, „Lord, help me love my parents; do it through me.“
Encouragement 2: Develop Godly Communication
Encouragement number two: Not only can you develop a godly attitude, but you can develop godly communication. This is critical. You know, we drive past homes in nice neighborhoods and see pretty houses, beautiful houses, and great houses. We look from the outside and think, „Oh, just think if you could live there! How wonderful would that be?“ Maybe not so wonderful. We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. We don’t know what is said behind closed doors.
Debbie and I watched a movie Friday night called „Foxcatcher.“ It’s about two wrestlers and John du Pont, the multi-multi-multi-millionaire who lived on this huge estate. Everything looked good from the outside, but John du Pont was a psycho. Being around John du Pont meant you were putting your life in danger, as one wrestler found out when he shot and killed him. Things can look different from the street than what’s really going on. What we see so often in homes is that if you go behind closed doors, you hear some of the most horrible communication—communication that doesn’t build up, doesn’t encourage, but just tears down and is awful to hear.
Verse 9 says, „Not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead.“ You were called for the very purpose of inheriting a blessing. „For let him who means to love life and see good days refrain his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking guile.“ This has to do with your mouth, so you have to make some choices. The first choice you need to make is not to verbally retaliate in marriage. Make the choice that no matter what my spouse says to me, my parents say to me, or my child says to me, I am NOT going to return evil for evil, or insult for insult. I’m not going to retaliate in kind.
Here’s how this works in family life: you know we throw out an insult, and how does it come back? The natural response when someone insults you is to hit back. Get them back—insult them back. But you don’t want to insult them back just as they insulted you; you want to one-up them a little. For instance, if Debbie and I start to quarrel, and I say something to her—a verbal pebble, a little dig—I think that will stop it. Well, she takes that in her naturalness and, not by the power of the Holy Spirit, throws a rock back at me. I just got hit with a rock, so what do I do? „Oh, you rock alright—let me tell you something about your mother,“ and I throw a boulder at her. So she’s like, „My mother?“ and she pulls out the bazooka and starts shooting at me. This is what happens in so many marriages: you go from pebble to rock to boulder, boulder to bazooka, bazooka to nuclear. Someone says, „I’m going to leave you—keep this up, and I’m getting a divorce!“ That’s the trump card—you can’t go any higher than that.
This can escalate so quickly over something little. A friend of mine, Ty Nipples, shared a story. He went to Disneyland with his wife Patty and their young son TJ. They were really excited; TJ was little and wanted to see the fireworks. After spending the day at the park, it was getting time for the fireworks, but TJ fell asleep. They thought, „What do we do? He’s asleep; we don’t want to wake him up. Let’s just leave and beat the crowd.“ So, they left, made the long trek back to their car, and just as they were putting their stuff away and putting TJ in his car seat, he wakes up cranky. He’s tired and missing the fireworks; he starts screaming—fingernails on a chalkboard for his dad.
His dad finally can’t take it anymore and starts yelling at the kid. He begins yelling at the wife because it’s always the wife’s fault. After this tirade, Patty looks at him, puts her hand on his hand, and says, „Honey, I love you.“ In that moment, God convicted him. He said, „Patty, I’m so sorry. TJ, I’m so sorry. Let’s go back to the park. Let’s do whatever we need to do.“ He was willing to do anything because he was so convicted by her love for him. She gave a blessing instead of returning insult for insult.
Make the choice to not verbally retaliate. Make the choice, secondly, to guard your mouth. „Let him who means to love life and see good days refrain his tongue from evil.“ The psalmist says, „Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips,“ so that I don’t say something that’s going to get me in trouble. Someone once said the difference between a great marriage and a mediocre one is about three or four things left unsaid. You don’t have to say everything you think. Chuck Swindoll said, „I’ve never had to apologize for something I didn’t say.“ There’s a lot of truth in that, right?
Once you say it, it’s out there, and then you’ve got to own it. If it was something about your mother-in-law, it can create all kinds of problems. So, be wise. I was talking to a wife who was very unhappy in her marriage, and during our conversation, she posted something derogatory about her marriage on Facebook. I private messaged her and said, „Listen, I understand you’re hurt, but this is not helping at all. You’re going to widen the gap between you and your husband if you put that out on Facebook for everyone to see.“
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth. Make the choice to communicate in love, not anger. Communication shuts down when it’s filled with anger. When you respond with anger, the other person just kind of closes off. Debbie and I had a moment yesterday. She was trying to sleep while I was flipping through channels. She had the dogs with her and was moving around. I thought, „Maybe she’s not trying to sleep,“ so I started talking to her without being able to see her face. Finally, she said, „Does it not dawn on you that I’m trying to sleep? Did I not tell you that I was trying to sleep?“
I said, „Okay, I’ll remove it.“ She said, „Why are you turning the TV off?“ I responded, „You just told me you’re trying to sleep. I’m going to the other room where it’s safe.“ It wasn’t a big deal, but she came in after and was just kind of like this, saying, „I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to be like that. I was just tired and cranky.“ I said, „Don’t give me your excuses.“ No, I didn’t say that. I said, „Okay, I appreciate that,“ but these things can happen, and you can get angry.
A husband was talking to his wife and said, „You know, over the years when we have an argument, I notice you never argue back with me. How do you do that? Don’t you get mad?“ She replied, „Anytime I get mad at you, I just go clean the toilet.“ He asked, „How does that help?“ She said, „I use your toothbrush!“ That’s not a good strategy!
Make the choice to communicate in love, not anger. If you can’t communicate without anger, don’t talk. Go for a walk, do something—don’t respond in anger, because you’re going to say things you wish you hadn’t. You can develop godly communication.
Encouragement 3: Seek and Pursue Peace
Lastly, encouragement number three: you can seek peace and pursue it. Verse 11 says, „And let him turn away from evil and do good.“ Let him seek peace and pursue it. The Greek word for peace is „eirene“; it means calm and undisturbed.
That’s what God wants for us. He says to seek peace and pursue it. True peace comes when there is no unresolved conflict. You want to have real peace in your home? Real peace is not well, „We just don’t talk about this subject, that subject, or the other subject because we want to have peace.“ There are some people who are just peacekeepers. The Bible never tells us to be peacekeepers. Jesus said, „Blessed are the peacemakers.“ There’s a big difference between peacekeepers and peacemakers. What’s the difference? A peacekeeper will just retreat and give you space because they don’t want you to be mad. They just walk around on eggshells all the time at home. You ever been in a home where people walk around on eggshells because there are landmines everywhere? You don’t want to ask the wrong question or say something about a sore subject, or you’re going to step on a landmine and blow up.
Many people ignore issues they don’t ever resolve. They just buy lots of sheets to throw over the elephant in the living room, pretending it’s not there. It’s still there, making messes, and you’re not dealing with it. Just because you ignore it doesn’t mean it goes away. It just grows. True peace comes from honestly dealing with things. True peace is saying, „Hey, you hurt my feelings; let’s deal with this.“ Seeking forgiveness and granting forgiveness are essential.
In relationships, the messy part is hurt feelings. Someone does something to hurt your feelings, intentionally or unintentionally. When that happens, you need to repair the relationship, otherwise, the distance will continue to grow. The Scripture says in Ephesians 4:26–27, „Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.“ If you let the sun go down on your anger, your spouse does something that hurts you, and that hurt will turn into anger. Everyone reacts differently, and if you don’t deal with it, that anger will turn into resentment.
When you let the sun go down on your anger, you create a wedge between you and your spouse, your loved one, or whoever hurt you. Suddenly, there’s this big chasm, and it gets icy cold. You can tell when people don’t like each other. You can feel it; it emits a vibe. And poor kids sometimes feel it when mom and dad don’t like each other. They are not dealing with issues, and the kids are suddenly at home—where it’s supposed to be a safe place—but it’s an awful place, filled with tension.
So, how do you know when it’s necessary to talk about an issue? If it’s something you can’t let go of without discussing it, then you know it’s time. Some little things may not be worth the battle. For instance, I don’t like the way she squeezes the toothpaste out of the tube. That’s probably not worth going to battle over, right? Some nickel offenses can just be overlooked, but you can’t overlook the bigger issues. If I can’t let go of something, it means we need to address it.
You have to talk about those things, share your heart, and your hurts. On the part of the offender, there needs to be godly sorrow and repentance if you’ve offended someone. If I’ve done something to Debbie and I’ve hurt her, intentionally or unintentionally, I need to come with a broken heart. The Scripture says in 2 Corinthians 7 that the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces repentance without regret, leading to salvation. On the part of the offended, there must be a willingness to forgive.
As Christians, we’re commanded by God to have a forgiving heart. In Mark 11, it says, „Whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.“ We have to develop a forgiving heart, and God is strong against unforgiveness. He says, „I won’t forgive you if you don’t forgive the person who hurts you.“
Why is that? God knows that an unforgiving heart creates bitterness, and if it ruins us, He loves you too much to allow you to ruin yourself. The forgiving heart says, „I release you from that hurt. The Lord has forgiven me such a great debt; surely I can forgive you for whatever you’ve done to me.“
Especially in marriage, when there’s a huge offense-when it’s a million-dollar offense, we’re not talking about a nickel offense. You are required by God to forgive, but don’t confuse forgiveness with trust. Sometimes a husband will commit adultery against his wife, and that’s like dropping a bomb on the relationship. When he’s found out, he goes to her and hopes there’s true repentance, but he wants her to just sweep it under the rug and say, „Okay, I’ve got it; you’re sorry, that’s great!“
It doesn’t really work that way. You can’t start moving on from something so huge right away. If you’re in a situation where you wrecked the relationship, the other person has a lot of healing to do. If you get into an accident, someone hits you head-on, going 70 miles an hour, and you have two broken legs and a punctured lung, you can' t just say, „Hey, let’s run the marathon tomorrow!“ You need time to heal. God does command us to forgive, but forgiveness is granted. Trust is earned.
There has to be sufficient time in a marriage after a million-dollar offense to rebuild trust. Trust can be rebuilt; consistent behavior over time allows for trust to develop again. Listen, if you do it God’s way, He can do amazing things!