Gary Hamrick - Marital Love (01/22/2026)
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The Song of Solomon is a beautiful love story between Solomon and his Shulamite bride, progressing from courtship to marriage and sexual consummation, celebrating God’s gift of romance and intimacy in monogamous heterosexual marriage while also foreshadowing God’s love for His people. Moving into marital love in chapters 3-5 and 8, the preacher highlighted the wedding celebration, tender consummation, inevitable aggravations with need for quick reconciliation, and lifelong affirmation and dedication. Ultimately, sex is God’s good gift for pleasure, oneness, and procreation in marriage, to be enjoyed with mutual consent, respect, and honor.
Introduction to Song of Solomon
For today, we’re here in the Song of Solomon—or again, also called the Song of Songs. It’s a love story between King Solomon, the third king of Israel, and some unnamed Shulamite woman who is obviously either his first love or his one true love. Because Solomon had many loves, but this appears to be his one true love or his first love.
This book was written, no doubt, early in his reign as king—before he stumbles into polygamy and having concubines in addition to multiple marriages. So this is really an expression of the one true love of his life. And this book here takes us in progression from courtship to marriage to sex—in that order.
And so what we read here is sometimes sexually explicit, though it’s veiled in poetic language. And this book was originally written as a song—that’s the name of the book: Song of Solomon or Song of Songs that Solomon wrote.
Now it is included in the Bible for two reasons. Why is this book—even with its veiled, poetic, but sexually explicit language—included in the Bible? Two reasons. Number one: to celebrate romance and the gift of sex that God has given for enjoyment between a husband and a wife in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. That’s one reason why it’s included—to let us know to celebrate that.
And number two: to illustrate the higher spiritual love between God and his people. Now that’s going to be next week’s study. We’re going to take kind of a 30,000-foot view of the Song of Solomon in regards to how it reflects, you know, a greater spiritual love of God for us.
When we’re first introduced to this couple here in the first couple of chapters, they are courting. Now that’s kind of a stronger word than just dating. In ancient Jewish society, dating was foreign to them—that is kind of a Western, made-up, more modern way that we get to know one another in preparation for marriage. But courtship is that kind of higher level where you are actually in preparation for marriage.
In an ancient Jewish home—of course, and even still today in some parts of the Middle East—marriages were in large part arranged by the parents. It’s a little different here with King Solomon because he’s king now, and he became king somewhere between the ages of fifteen and seventeen when his father David had died. He becomes king. His mother Bathsheba is still living. But this is not an arranged marriage—because when you’re king of the most powerful nation on the planet, you kind of get to choose whoever you want to marry.
And so no doubt he’s got the choice of any woman, but he’s madly in love with one in particular, and she’s the subject of this story. And so this is not an arranged marriage. This is a marriage that has been cultivated because of a deep sense of love that they have for each other. But it’s going to lead here to marriage—we’ll see in chapter 3—and then it’s going to lead to the sexual consummation of their marriage in chapter 4.
Now before we jump into chapters 3 and 4, just another reminder that last week the topic was courtship love. We looked at how they were preparing for marriage. They expressed their love for one another on three levels: physical beauty, spiritual integrity, and moral purity.
That is to say that they were physically attracted to each other—as any two people should be if they’re planning to get married. That isn’t a commentary on some people are good-looking and some people aren’t. It just simply is a statement that each person should be physically attracted to the other if you’re going to marry one another.
And then also—not just the outward attraction, but the inward attraction. That’s the spiritual integrity. We hear about how she is enamored with and captivated by his character. And that is also true of him for her. We see that illustrated more clearly in the book of Ruth, but they are both attracted to each other for the inward beauty as well—the people of character and virtue and principle.
And then finally we see their moral purity here. He’s going to say about her in chapter 4, verse 12, that she is a garden that is locked up—that is a reference to her being a virgin. Three times in this book she is going to warn her girlfriends not to arouse or awaken love before its time—and that time, by inference, is marriage.
So we see that they’ve kept themselves physically, sexually pure for their wedding. And these three things characterized their courtship. But now things are about to change. As we look into chapter 3, we’re going to see them get married, and in chapter 4—using the poetic language of the chapter—she’s going to invite him into her garden. So they’re going to consummate the marriage in chapter 4.
And thus today’s teaching is on marital love. We’re going from courtship love now to marital love.
Scripture Reading and Prayer
So I’m going to read from chapter 3, verse 6, down through the end of the chapter, and then we’ll also cover chapter 4 and a little bit of chapter 5 today if we have enough time.
So here we go—chapter 3, starting at verse 6: «Who is this coming up from the desert like a column of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and incense made from all the spices of the merchants? Look! It is Solomon’s carriage, escorted by sixty warriors, the noblest of Israel, all of them wearing the sword, all experienced in battle, each with his sword at his side, prepared for the terrors of the night.
King Solomon made for himself the carriage; he made it of wood from Lebanon. Its posts he made of silver, its base of gold. Its seat was upholstered with purple, its interior lovingly inlaid by the daughters of Jerusalem. Come out, you daughters of Zion, and look at King Solomon wearing the crown, the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, the day his heart rejoiced.»
Let’s pause there and pray. Father in heaven, as we come now to this book study in the Song of Solomon, we pray that you would speak to our hearts—those who are married, those who are previously married, those who want to be married. Lord, we just want you to point out the truths and the principles that we might glean important truth from your word today, and that you would encourage us, inspire us, instruct us—that you would use this book to teach us something important about marriage and about the love between a husband and a wife.
So we commit the study to you now. Be glorified, we ask, in Jesus' name. And everyone said amen.
Celebration of the Wedding
So as we move here into chapter 3, what we’re going to notice in chapter 3 and moving into chapter 4—the first thing of three points today: celebration and consummation. We’re going to come to the celebration of the ceremony—that’s chapter 3—and then we’re going to go into chapter 4, which speaks about how they consummate their marriage physically, sexually.
But this section that I just read here—before I prayed—from chapter 3 describes the processional of Solomon coming for his bride. And he is decked out, and he’s riding in this chariot or this carriage that is made just for this occasion. He’s got with him—it tells us—sixty of the noblest warriors of Israel. They all are coming in their best formal mess dress, their military attire, and the sixty guys have swords hinged to their side.
And here they are as Solomon’s groomsmen. That’s what you have the picture of in chapter 3. Now you know, I know—normally you might have two, three, four, maybe five groomsmen. But for Solomon—I mean, he’s king—he’s got sixty groomsmen with him, and they’re all dressed in their military formals, sword strapped to their side. And he comes in to meet his bride for this beautiful time of the ceremony.
And here he comes. And I just love the way it tells us here in verses 9 and 10 of chapter 3—verse 9 and 10—that Solomon himself made this carriage for this particular occasion. And it even goes into great detail: he got the wood from Lebanon, but he adds the posts of the carriage are silver, the base is gold. It even tells us that he’s got this purple upholstery in the interior here.
So he pulls out to the church in this, you know, pimped-up ride—with the purple interior. I just picture a lure of velvet on the inside of this thing. And you know, he’s got this souped-up Hot Wheels that he pulls up to the church, ready to pick up his bride.
Now you know, what I find fascinating—and here this story’s about a thousand years before Christ—you know, here we are three thousand years later—things haven’t changed, friends. What is something that a guy loves to do to impress a woman? It’s like drive up in a nice car. That’s exactly what he’s doing here. He’s just like, you know, trying to impress her with a nice car.
You know, for me in the day, it was a 1986 Pontiac Sunbird turbo engine. That’s what I pulled up to her house in. And it had the pop-up and pop-out sunroof. I’m not even sure if they had the electric ones back then—you had to pop the whole thing out, put it in this velvet sleeve, and stash it in your trunk. I don’t know, but I’m telling you—it could move. And it was what I used to impress her with. I’m telling you what. And then I burned out the turbo engine—but anyhow, trying to impress her.
But here in verse 11, he comes wearing the king’s crown that his mother gave him. He’s all decked out and driving this sporty car. And the rest of verse 11 says it’s the day of his wedding, the day his heart rejoiced.
Now I can tell you—Terry and I are going to celebrate 31 years of marriage next week—and I can remember like it was yesterday the feeling I had standing at the front of the church by the altar. All my groomsmen were in line. All the bridesmaids had come down one at a time. And there she comes. I can still see—like it was yesterday—turning the corner in the back lobby of the church, arm-in-arm with her dad, coming down that center aisle. Just that rejoicing, pitter-patter of your heart feeling.
This is Solomon, and he’s got the crown on. He’s got the souped-up car. He comes waltzing in, and he’s rejoicing because this is the day of his wedding. And so the wedding occurs here, but it’s not mentioned in detail. He shows up. There’s a wedding ceremony with great celebration.
Consummation in Chapter 4
Now when we move into chapter 4, the celebration is over. The wedding guests have gone. The food has all been eaten. The rice has all been thrown. Mazel tov. And now into chapter 4, they are ready to consummate the marriage.
And the first fifteen verses of chapter 4 are foreplay. He initiates it. He is patient. He is tender with her. He doesn’t rush it. He takes things slowly with her so that she feels beautiful and safe with him. Okay? And guys, we need to understand this.
This is new information, I’m sure, to most—but men, in terms of, you know, sexuality, we’re more like a light switch: on and off. Women are more like crock pots—take a little longer to heat up. And you got to be sensitive to that, okay? All right, now no jokes—I was warned by my wife: no jokes. So I got to reel it in. But it’s true.
And so he’s aware of this, and he starts out slowly and tenderly with her. And he gets very specific about how beautiful she is—great detail here about how beautiful she is.
Now before I read the detail, you have to know in advance: this is some ancient cultural language here. He’s going to talk about how her hair is like a flock of goats. And he’s going to say your teeth are like shorn sheep. In chapter 7 he’s going to say that her waist is like a bundle of wheat. All right, guys—don’t try this at home. You know, don’t say, «Baby, let me just read a few verses from Song of Solomon about you tonight.» Yeah, because that ain’t going to work now.
You can find some modern illustrations and analogies, but the bottom line is: make her feel beautiful. And this is what he’s doing. He wants her to know how beautiful she is and how safe she is with him.
So here we go—chapter 4. Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Here we go—chapter 4, verse 1: «How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves.» Now she’s wearing a veil here, and he’s going to start to undress her. And the rest of verse 1: «Your hair is like a flock of goats"—there you have it—"descending from Mount Gilead.»
Now what he’s saying here is: your hair flows beautifully—it’s dark and it’s wavy. Because the long-haired black goats of the Middle East is what he’s referring to here. And if you were to see a large herd of goats cascading down a hillside—the long black-haired goats—it looks like kind of the hill is moving. So that’s the description he’s using: it’s like your hair is wavy and long and black, coming down like goats off of Mount Gilead.
He says in verse 2: «Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn"—meaning white and clean—"coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.» So she’s not missing any teeth here, and he points that out. Please don’t bait me to make any West Virginia jokes—I’m not going to go there. All right, now—so I didn’t go there. I just say: don’t make me go there.
Anyway, so we notice—to say, yeah, every tooth has a twin, you know—every tooth has a matching side as it goes around. It’s a nice thing he’s saying about her. You have all your teeth—that’s beautiful.
And verse 3 talks about how she has ruby-red lips. And verse 3—now notice he’s starting to move south. He starts with her eyes, her hair, and her mouth. He says in verse 3: «Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely.» So now he’s moving in for a kiss.
He says there in verse 3: «Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate.» Now temples in Hebrew could also be translated cheeks. And so he says they are red like pomegranates—she’s blushing a little bit here. You know, he’s saying some very endearing things, so she’s blushing. She knows this is that moment where we’re both going to feel a little bit awkward at first, you know.
And so she’s blushing. In verse 4 he says: «Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance.» You know, he’s not saying that she’s out of proportion—that would be kind of a weird look with somebody with a neck like a tower. But again, it’s poetic ancient language. She speaks of her elegance here and how she carries herself with strength and character.
So you know—her neck: she’s not slouching. He says you have a neck like the tower of David. It speaks of elegance. It speaks of her stature and her character and how she carries herself. He mentions there also in verse 4: «On it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.» So her neck is adorned with a necklace—that’s what he’s saying. He’s pointing that out.
In verse 5 he says: «Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.» So he’s talking about how she looks as innocent and attractive as young deer.
He says in verse 6: «Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense.» «All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.» Very rich and very personal and very meaningful.
He says in verse 8: «Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon.» Now this is the first time the word «bride» is used in his reference to her and of her. And he will use that word four more times in this chapter because now they are married together. She was referring to her as «my bride.»
And he says, «Come with me from Lebanon.» He’s not—this is again poetic language—he’s not saying that they’ve come from Lebanon. This is figurative for the great distance that they have kept themselves sexually apart. But now: «I want you to come with me from that great distance, and I want you and me to come together here.»
And jump to verse 12. And verse 12 he says: «You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.» So this is that reference now—she’s kept herself pure. She’s been a virgin. «You are a garden locked up.»
Don’t stumble on that «my sister, my bride"—that’s just an affectionate term that expresses permanence in the relationship, okay? That’s not anything weird. That’s just again more cultural than anything else.
Jump to verse 15—he says: «You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.» Now that’s interesting because if you contrast that or compare it with verse 12—where in verse 12 he said, «You’re a spring enclosed, you’re a sealed fountain"—but now in verse 15 he says, «You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.»
So again, this is poetic language to describe the fact that she is now sexually ready to receive him. She’s physically responded to him. Again—no particular brilliant news to anybody—but men are generally aroused physically by seeing things. Women are typically, generally more aroused emotionally.
And so that’s where she’s come to this place of being physically ready—because he spent some time addressing her spiritually and emotionally, telling her how beautiful she is, just building her up, affirming her, helping her to feel safe and loved. And so now she’s ready to receive him. And that actually is a description there of her physical readiness.
Now she invites him to have sex with her in verse 16. She says to him: «Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.»
So they consummate the marriage here. He’s been very tender and patient and loving towards her. She now is responding sexually. They now consummate the marriage.
Historical Views and Biblical Perspective on Sex
As I said last week, the early church fathers didn’t know what to do with a lot of this language here. The early church fathers, the Puritans, the Reformers—by and large—read and taught and interpreted the Song of Solomon as an allegorical book that displayed the love of Christ for the church or the love of God for Israel.
The early church fathers didn’t know: what do we do with this? This is kind of explicit material. I mean, when you read what we just read—that’s pretty hard to look at that and think, well, that’s all about Jesus' love for me. That’s what that is. No, I don’t know.
I mean, there is a greater symbolism in the whole book about the love of God for us—and we’ll get to that next week. That’s next week’s study as we conclude the book. But for the moment, this is a literal love story of a literal husband and wife who are coming together—honoring God in their courtship, honoring God in their marriage, and they’re enjoying each other sexually.
But the early church fathers and the Reformers and the Puritans—they didn’t know what to do with this stuff. And let me just give you a few examples of their views of sex even in marriage.
For example, the Catholic pope Innocent III of the 13th century—he said, quote: «Everyone knows that intercourse, even between married persons, is never performed without the itch of the flesh, the heat of passion, and the stench of lust.» End quote. Kind of a low view of sex even in marriage.
Martin Luther—Martin Luther said about sex in marriage, quote: «Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them of clay.» End quote. So he’s like, you know, God—you had a good thing going the way you made Adam from the dirt. Why not just do it that way?
And so he had a low view of sex in marriage too. He said, you know, I just wish God would do it by fashioning people from the dirt. That is his view.
St. Jerome of the fifth century AD—he said, quote: «Do you imagine that we approve of any sexual intercourse except for the procreation of children? He who is too ardent a lover of his own wife is an adulterer.» End quote. Okay, that’s some of the stuff that’s out there in church history.
Clement of Alexandria, third century AD—he said, quote: «If a man marries in order to have children, he ought not to have a sexual desire for his wife. He ought to produce children by a reverent, disciplined act of the will.» End quote.
I mean, do you imagine it? I don’t know. Let me say that—what he’s actually saying is you should be disciplined enough in your sexual desires to only have sex with your wife if it is for the sole purpose of having children.
So if that’s the view—a very low view—and so again, that they would interpret Song of Solomon with this idea that it must just be a reference of God’s love for Israel, Christ’s love for the church—because we don’t know what to do with a lot of this explicit language, though it is poetically veiled.
And what we need to understand is that—again—sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed between a husband and a wife in a monogamous heterosexual marriage. And he has given it in this way for us—not just for procreation, for the production of children, but also for pleasure, and also obviously for oneness and for love and for coming together in a very private and intimate and exclusive way devoted to each other.
And I often get asked this question from time to time: what is allowed in the bedroom between Christians—two consenting adults, husband and wife, heterosexual marriage under the headship of Christ? What is allowed in the bedroom?
So there’s a verse in Hebrews 13, verse 4, that simply says this: «Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.»
So taking that verse along with just the overall view of Scripture, I would simply say this: what is permissible in the bedroom between a husband and a wife—anything that brings you closer to God, closer to each other, and has mutual consent.
If one is uncomfortable with this particular thing, then I think it should be known—for the benefit of deferring to the one that you love. But does it bring me closer to God? Would it be God-honoring—or would it be dishonoring? It might be a better way to interpret it—because that could be: well, how could this possibly necessarily honor God? But at least think of it in terms of: would this possibly dishonor God? Would this be displeasing to God?
And so that has to be in the mix and the equation. And then: does it bring me closer to God? Does it bring me closer to my spouse? And is it something that is mutually agreed upon? And if not mutually agreed upon, then it should be avoided.
That said, the bedroom is never to be a place where one spouse tries to either control, manipulate, or punish another. The Bible speaks against that. And that unfortunately is sometimes a weapon that people will use—in depriving someone of sexual intimacy as a means of controlling, manipulating, or punishing.
And 1 Corinthians chapter 7—Paul speaks about this. He says that a husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. And that a wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband—that they need to have a mutual respect and appreciation for each other.
But none of us is entitled—once you get married—none of us is entitled to my own body for myself. It is not exclusively my own. It now belongs to my spouse as well. And so we have to be careful of this.
Because also further in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul even warns—he says: don’t deprive each other of sexual intimacy except by mutual consent and for prayer. But then he says: but come again quickly together again—quickly—so that Satan does not tempt you.
And so we have to be aware that we’re all created as sexual beings, and God created again sex as a gift to be enjoyed in a marriage. And that temptation—sexual temptation—is very real and can sometimes be very powerful.
So there’s that warning there in 1 Corinthians 7 that we need to be aware of: the temptation is real. And it is never an excuse for cheating, for lusting, or for viewing pornography. But the understanding needs to be that if we’re intentional about making sure we please our spouse, it will go a long way to then helping each other avoid temptation that could lead to sin.
And no excuses for the sin—but we need at least be responsible for each other in a marriage to make sure that we’re not doing anything that could contribute to our spouse’s temptation towards sin.
And I think it’s good for a husband and wife to periodically ask each other: how are you doing in this area? And are you okay? And should we come together? And then when you say that—just make sure the garden’s open for business, okay? That’s all I’m saying about that. If you’re going to say that, make sure—okay, wait, I can’t joke.
Sensitivity to Struggles
Let’s get back to the story here. Now let me just say this in passing too: I don’t have any illusions that, you know, everybody who comes together under the lordship of Christ—husband and wife—gets married and has a perfect sex life, and there are never any problems or struggles or difficulties. That’s just unrealistic.
So I want to say that I’m not insensitive to that—that there are some factors in relationships, sometimes in the relationship, sometimes prior to the relationship—whereby there is physical or emotional difficulty in this area. And so that may require obviously some extra grace, some extra patience, and perhaps even counseling.
Nobody should feel ashamed about that. There are real struggles that all of us have in different ways, on different levels, in the course of life in general. And so I’m not insensitive to that. Nor do I think that in just addressing this topic in general that I’m going to be addressing all the various aspects of sexuality in a marriage—that’s not realistic either.
So this is just kind of an overview of the love relationship between Solomon and this unnamed wife here. And it’s an important reminder to us about the sacredness of sex and the gift of sex that God has given between a husband and a wife in a heterosexual monogamous marriage.
So I’m not insensitive to that. And so if you’re here with some of those struggles—by the way, I think that no doubt—because I announced the topic last week, what we’re going to talk about today—there are probably some people who chose not even to come to church today because it’s that painful for them. And I respect that. Obviously I can’t avoid it—we’re going straight through the Bible. There’s a lot of things that we’re going to talk about that are unavoidable topics that are sometimes uncomfortable.
But with compassion and sensitivity, I say that if you have struggles or difficulties in your marriage in this area—don’t feel ashamed about it. It happens. Maybe some counseling can help, and certainly some patience among each other.
But at least we can all agree on this—I hope—that again, I’m going to say it again: that God has given sexual intimacy as a gift to be enjoyed between a husband and a wife in a monogamous heterosexual marriage. And so we need to receive it as such.
And not—you know—for any of you who maybe came out of strict legalistic backgrounds and there’s some of the carryover of the early church fathers, and you thought sex is dirty or sex is only for procreation or, you know, sex—Adam and Eve only had sex after they left the garden, you know, so it must have been a sin. But you know, some of—there’s some nonsense out there that maybe has contributed to a wrong view.
And I just want to encourage you: just, you know, maybe kind of shed some of that and just kind of embrace the way that God designed it—in its purity and in the gift that it is that God has given to us.
Aggravation and Reconciliation
Now good news is that this book is not all about sex. Because as part of marital love, we’re going to touch on this topic—what time is this service? Man, I got to breeze through this.
Aggravation and reconciliation, friends. It’s not all about sparks and romance and flowers and gifts. And it’s also about aggravation—and then reconciling from the aggravation.
You will from time to time aggravate your spouse. You will irritate him or her. You don’t do it intentionally. They will do the same to you—okay, maybe once like every 20 years it’ll happen. But it’ll happen.
And I love this story because they also—they get into a fight. We see it in chapter 5. Look at chapter 5, verse 2—he says: «I slept but my heart was awake.» Listen—you know, this is her speaking in chapter 5, verse 2: «I slept and my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking.»
And then he says: «Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.»
She says: «I have taken off my robe—must I put it on again? I have washed my feet—must I soil them again?»
«My lover thrust his hand through the latch opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock. I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.»
So here’s what’s happening in this scene: husband has been working long hours. Solomon comes home late at night. His head is drenched with the dew of the evening, and he has been out all day long—comes home late at night. She doesn’t wait up for him. She’s tired of him coming home so late. She’s tired herself. She takes a bath, and she crawls into bed.
No sooner has she gotten into the bed when he knocks on the door—'cause she’s thrown the deadbolt. She’s like: I’m going to show him—he’s coming home late. I’m going to just go to bed. I marry him.
And so he comes home, and he’s knocking. He’s like: «Honey, dear one, darling, darling, flawless one"—don’t you love that he calls her that: flawless one—"Hey, ” he says, «could you let me in, sweetheart? Somebody’s accidentally locked the deadbolt.» Yeah.
Now it says that he reaches in—probably like some kind of window or the latch of the door—and he’s trying to unlock the door himself. And then she’s like: oh, okay—I should just—this is ridiculous. And so she gets up, and she opens the door. He’s gone now at this point—like: I’m leaving, you know.
So he’s doing that, and then she’s responding in this way. Now look what’s happening here is—you know how a lot of arguments often come about because of legitimate needs that each person has that go unmet.
For him, he’s thinking: I’ve worked a long, hard day, and I’m tired, and I’m coming home at night—and doesn’t she understand that I work long, hard days for our family? And then she throws the deadbolt—I don’t feel respected.
And she’s thinking at the same time: you know, he’s working all the time, and he’s gone all day long. He didn’t even call me—like they had cellphones back in the day—but you didn’t even call me. And so I’m worried about him, and I’m just tired. And if I’m going to go to bed, I feel like I’m last on his list. He worked so hard—I don’t feel loved.
Now both are legitimate issues. But a lot of times arguments happen, and the aggravation happens, because legitimate needs go unmet. And we need to have a lot of grace and forgiveness in marriage.
And she begins to realize—like: I need to show him grace. And she gets up. She opens the door—but he’s already gone. In the chapter further, she gets her girlfriends together: she’s got to go find my husband. I don’t know where he’s gone. I don’t know where he is. They end up finding him.
And then what does he do? He doesn’t say: well, you know, you locked the deadbolt, you know. He doesn’t bark at her. You know, the first thing he does—he starts telling her how beautiful she is. And he goes through this long list of all her wonderful qualities.
So we need to understand: part of marital love involves a little argument every once in a while—and then reconciliation. Fight fair. Reconcile rapidly. Fight fair. Reconcile rapidly.
Fight fair—like: don’t call each other names. Don’t use the D-word: divorce. Don’t start, you know, shouting and belligerent and be cruel or unkind. And reconcile rapidly—don’t let it go on for days and days and days and days. Too many couples do that. It damages the marriage.
Heard about this couple where they weren’t talking to each other—got into this fight. They weren’t talking to each other. And so the husband scribbles on a piece of note paper—because the alarm clock was on her side of the bed—so he says: I have an early flight. He writes out: wake me up at 5:00 a.m. Gives her the note. They go to bed that night.
Next morning he wakes up just naturally–7:00 a.m.—no alarm clock, no nothing. He bolts out of bed, and then he starts talking to her: he says, I’ve just missed my flight. I told you to wake me up at 5:00 a.m.
And she just goes: there’s a little note on his end table. And he opens it up, and it says: it’s 5:00 a.m.—get up. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Don’t do that.
Affirmation and Dedication
The last thing is affirmation and dedication. In chapter 8 you see them affirming their love for each other, and they remind each other of the dedication that they have in their marriage until they die.
In chapter 8—look at verses 5, 6, and 7. In chapter 8 the friends are speaking here in verse 5. They say: «Who is this coming up from the desert, leaning on her lover?»
Her friends are noticing—they’re coming home from the honeymoon. And so the girlfriends are like: who’s this leaning on her lover? So there’s this very endearing, loving scene here of them coming back—maybe they’re in a chariot, maybe they’re walking—she’s just kind of leaning on his arm here. Very beautiful expression of their love for each other.
And then the rest of verse 5: «Under the apple tree I roused you; there your mother conceived you, there she who was in labor gave you birth.»
And verse 6—she’s speaking here: «Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.»
So in other words, the friends see them coming from afar. They’re returning from their honeymoon. And in the course of chapter 8, they just start affirming their love for one another, and they promise to be dedicated to each other for life.
You see these phrases here where she says, you know: set me like a seal over your heart. Well, a seal was a sign that you belonged to someone. They would take the imprint—sometimes of a ring or something that was your identifying mark—and they would press it into soft wax on a document. That would signify: this belongs to you.
She’s saying: I want that constant sense of security that I belong to you—put me like a seal on your heart.
And then they use these other phrases here: for love is as strong as death. It burns like a blazing fire. And many waters cannot quench love.
So all those phrases there in verses 6 and 7—they’re saying: our love cannot be easily extinguished. They’re just affirming their love for each other. They’re saying this, and they’re expressing their dedication: our love cannot be easily extinguished. Our love will continue to burn brightly for each other. And only the strength of death will separate us.
Now everybody thinks that at first when they get married. Nobody stands at an altar and thinks to themselves that they could possibly get divorced or have troubles. But marriages can have troubles, and people do get divorced.
I love hearing their affirmation and dedication—if for no other reason—to remind us: no matter how long you’ve been married, you need to continue to affirm your love to your spouse and to remind each other that you’re in this for life.
But again, I’m mindful of the fact that it doesn’t always work out that way—even in the Commonwealth of Virginia, someone can pursue a divorce, and you can’t even stop it. But shouldn’t we at least be willing to say: as far as it depends on me in a marriage, I’m going to affirm my spouse regularly, and I’m going to remind myself and her that I’m in this for life—that we should be so dedicated to one another.
Closing Prayer
But I’m going to close in prayer, and I’m going to pray for four groups of people.
One: some of you have wonderful marriages. You have good marriages—not a perfect marriage; no marriage is perfect—but you have a good marriage. And I’m going to ask the Lord to make it better.
Two: some of you are married, and you’re hanging on by a thread. And I’m going to pray that God would make weak marriages stronger.
Three: some of you have been brokenhearted because of a broken marriage. It didn’t work out, and you’re brokenhearted because of it. I’m going to pray that God would bring healing to you.
And four: there are those of you who want to be married, and you’re waiting for God to bring that person around. And I’m going to pray for you as well.
So can we close our service with prayer?
Father, I pray for those marriages that are good—that you would make them even better. Thank you, Lord, for your grace. Thank you, Lord, for forgiveness. We know that no marriage is perfect, and marriages are only good because you are good and you help us in our marriages. I pray that you would continue to do that for every good marriage here.
I pray for the marriages that are hanging on by a thread—that you would make weak marriages stronger. That you would help them, Lord—by even doing something that they can’t do for themselves in some miraculous way. Maybe there’s a matter of forgiveness that needs to be extended. Maybe there’s a matter of a loss of love and respect that needs to be rekindled. Whatever it might be, Lord—and in the complexity of various marriages—Lord, you can sort all that out, and you can make weak marriages stronger.
And I pray, Lord, for those who are brokenhearted because of a broken marriage. They never dreamed that they would get divorced, but now they find themselves alone. Please, Lord—I pray according to your word—that you would bind up the brokenhearted and you would encourage them and wrap your loving arms around them.
Lastly, I pray, Lord, for those who want to be married. They’re waiting for that person to come along. I pray that you would continue to help them to be patient, to lean on you in the meantime, to keep themselves pure and right before you as they wait upon your perfect will for their lives. Help them, Lord—when they become discouraged—to remember that you are holding their lives in the palm of your hand, as you do for all of us.
Lord, we trust you, and we pray for our marriages and marriages-to-be. Lord, would be glorified in our homes, and that you would help us and strengthen us. We know, Lord, that the enemy is constantly assaulting marriages, trying to break up families. So Lord, protect us, encourage us, and strengthen us in our families and our marriages.
As we pray in the mighty name of Jesus—and all God’s people said amen. Amen.