Dr. Ed Young - What Every Husband Needs to Know about Sex
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Sex! I've always wanted just to shout that out! It's amazing how some people think that that subject should not be brought up in church. Today, we're gonna talk about, from a Biblical perspective, what every wife would like for her husband to know about sex. What every wife wants her husband to know about sex. Now because we are such egotistical, narcissistic, masculine type of loons, we think we know everything, guys! But we don't know what our wives want us to know about this intimate part of marriage. We just don't know that.
So listen, please! I want every married man: you're married, right now, to stand to your feet! Now all of you guys, most of you are already mad at me! We don't like being called out! I don't like to go to some kind of public service, particularly church, and they sort of spotlight me, and I have to do something! I just want to kind of be there! That's the way we're wired, men. But I'm standing with you! And I don't particularly like it either! So I've called you out so you can listen to just one word of Scripture. One clear word in I Peter, Chapter Number 3, Verse Number 7: "You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of God so that your prayers will not be hindered".
Now, if you listened as that was being read, perhaps most of you would come to the accurate conclusion that that Scripture teaches the inspired hand of the Apostle Peter that says "Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way". Did you get that much? Did that just-psheeeww? Now, I'm going to assume that the men that are standing, that you want to live with your wife in an understanding way. That may be an overwhelming assumption, but I'm going to assume that. And therefore, it applies to me, just like it does to you. I will live with my wife in an understanding way. Now, if you'd like to join me in that witness, I want you to say that after me.
Now if you don't want to join me, just stand there and be silent. But I want to live with my wife in an understanding way. If you would like to join me in that commitment right up front, will you repeat those words after me? "I want to live... with my wife... in an understanding way". Man, that was just overwhelming! Let's try it again! "I want to live... with my wife... in an understanding way". Hhmmm... You may be seated. You're going to love your wife in an understanding way, guys, this is the first thing you need to get! The first thing you need to understand. Your wife wants you to know she can't always respond! Did you get that? She can't always respond!
Now, let me talk about the female response in a dark area as to why some females can't respond. There is a dark area that is a very serious area. Then I'll move from a dark area, why females can't respond, into more of a practical way. Let's talk about the dark area. Some females have a background of wide-spread promiscuity. And therefore, they feel like they have been hurt, and abused, and exploited by men, and they have a tough time responding to the entree and the initiation of their husband, who is singing "Unchained Melody" all the time. There is a problem there many times... Also, there's a problem many times when I read statistically that one-third of all females in America have been sexually abused.
Now I didn't believe those figures! I thought they were way too high; but I checked them more than once, and they are reasonably accurate. One third of all females have been abused. In light of this, many times, this inhibits the response. Also we know that some females, for various reasons, have a very, very poor self-image. This inhibits their response. Also, some females have been brought up in a home, or they have heard their mother or their grandmother, or some married friend say to them, "Boy, sex is something you just have to endure! It's a terrible thing! Play the game! Act it out! It's just emotions you have to go through in marriage! Don't tell your husband"! Some have been brought in the idea of some kind of twisted, Biblical logic that sex is under the curse! It's the result of the curse! I don't know how you can do any theological gymnastics to come up with that, but some have.
So there are some very severe and dark reasons as to why some females do not respond. They've been abused. Men have exploited them. They have hurt them. They have a poor self image, and these are some things that need to be dealt with Biblically by wise Biblical counselors, by wise mentors, by people who understand, and don't let the past, wives, determine the present, the rest of your life! This can be healed and forgiven, and God's grace works, and you move on magnificently, but there's some reasons there. They need to be dealt with. Now, practically, let's look on the other side. The truth is that some females have trouble responding because let's get honest-they're just tired! They may work all day too, and they've got more family responsibilities, and more pressure on them, and they are exhausted!
Also, let me ask another question! Is it possible to have sex after children? That's humorous! Pshew! Man, what a group! What am I saying? I'm saying until you have a child, you're just on an extended date! Right? Now those of you who've never had children, you don't understand that. You think you understand it, but you will understand it if you have children! You think this is an extended date. Once a child is born, things change with that female. Now she's getting the skin touch, the love that she needs with that baby, and there's so much emotion there, and she's so exhausted there with a multiplicity of things that very few men could handle for 24 hours, let alone day in and day out. So there's a different agenda there. So there's reasons, and your wife wants you to know, guys, there are some reasons that they can't always respond like we want them to respond! We've got to understand that if we are to live with our wives inan understanding way.
The second thing, guys, that your wife wants you to know about intimacy is, she would say to you "I can't compartmentalize". Now what does that mean? You see, a lot of people think that relationships is sex. The secular world thinks that. Relationship leads to sex. The truth is, sex is relationships. It is out of the right relationship, from a female perspective; there comes intimacy! Men, we can compartmentalize things. You have an argument with your wife at breakfast. You disagree over kids, over future, over planning, problem with finances, problem with what you said, he said, she said, and you have sort of an argument at breakfast. You go home, and you get through the day. You come home and eat dinner, watch a little T.V. At 10:00, you say, boy!
Now's the time! And she looks at you, and she's still remembering the argument at breakfast! See, you've put that in a compartment! Men can compartmentalize! We're going to have a problem here, and a difficulty there, and pressure over there, and be upset there. We can have all these things put in compartment-women aren't wired like that, guys! With them, they're right brain, left brain, body, soul, spirit, everything goes into everything! They can't put it in a compartment! The relationship is all important, how things are going between the two of you! Are you listening? Are you understanding? Are you on top of things?
The third thing that every wife wants her husband to know is simply "I can't ignore the atmosphere". Atmosphere is important to the female! I mean, it may be candles, I don't know what is going on, but the atmosphere is all important! And therefore when there is a, one of your children has a child over, and they're in another room, and well, you don't have any problem there. The door is locked, and she says "Oh, I tell you-they may need me"! Or a child is sick, or you got to get up the next morning and pack and go out of town, and man! All of a sudden, she don't, can't ignore the atmosphere! Therefore, husband, wife need to work on something! It's what I call appetizer intimacy, main course intimacy, and gourmet intimacy. Now appetizer intimacy means the atmosphere is not right. The timing is not right. Man, this is a quick thing here! Uh, let's.... That's appetizer intimacy. They need to work on this!
Then there's main course intimacy, and that is well, you know, we're here, and this is the routine, and things look alright, and we've got the relationship worked out, and we're, there's main course. And then there's gourmet intimacy. And by the way, I'm not talking just about cohabitation. Don't misunderstand me! This is far beyond that! Gourmet intimacy is when you go off a night together. I don't care if you go to uh, Motel 6! Doesn't make any difference. Don't make difference where... But two nights is like another week, compared to one night! Two nights! That second night, plan to do that! Just to walk around together, to shop together, to hold hands together, and you will catch up on that 37 minutes a week you spend talking to one another in a couple of nights! That's a part of intimacy. That's a part of getting to know them. And your wife just can't ignore the atmosphere!
The fourth thing is "I can't be rushed"! Women are crockpots in love making! Men are microwaves! All of us know that! Crockpot cooks all day! Microwave, set the timer! There was a guy who wanted an exotic pet, so he went to the pet store, and he wanted something unusual, and the pet said "We've got a centipede here. Make a wonderful pet! Got a hundred legs"! So the man bought the centipede. Was satisfied with him. Sunday came, and he shouts out to the centipede! "We're goin' to church today! Get ready"! No response. He dresses. He goes over, tells the centipede "Get ready! We're goin' to church! You'll like church! It's fun up at church"! No response. Finally, he goes a little white box the centipede is in, he says "Look! Can't you hear me? We're goin' to church"? And a little voice comes out and says "I heard you the first time! I'm just puttin' on my shoes"! Weak joke, strong principle! Husbands, your wife is saying "I can't be rushed"!
Now we're beginning to understand how to live with our wives in an understanding way, because they're saying to you these four clear principles: I can't always respond. I can't compartmentalize. I can't ignore the atmosphere, and I can't be rushed! Guys, do I need to come and just shake you individually to get that through? In whatever stage of your marriage, whether you've been married a week, or five decades, it makes no difference. We're talking about intimacy. And when you begin to understand both the male and the female in marriage, that, the excitement of your mate is the most exciting thing that can ever happen to you, and the pleasure of your mate is more important than any pleasure that will ever come your way, and is the only lasting pleasure involved. When you understand these things, male and female, you've taken a giant step in seeing the big picture of God's gift of intimacy in marriage!
You see, most of us are not enjoying marriage the way God designed it because the guys are absolute knuckleheads! Those are four things that you need to know about sex, and remember about sex and intimacy. Your wife wants you to know those four things. We need to know those four things! Now, we look at Ephesians Chapter 5, and Paul is summarizing everything about marriage, and this is a very, very, very key Verse. Look at it with me, Ephesians 5, Verse 33. He's summarizing the role of a husband, the role of a wife, intimacy, etc... Look what he says: "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife, even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband". That's the summary! Men, we're to love our wives! When we love our wives, guess what? They respect us! Men, we need respect. Wives need love.
Now I've reminded you in every time we've met, I think, every time we've looked at this, nowhere in the Bible do you see a command for the wife to love her husband. Three times, you see a clear command for the husband to love the wife. I asked you "Why is that"? It is because God does not command something that is innate, that is already taking place! Women are natural lovers, guys! They are built-in lovers, unless that love has been so twisted, or confused, or pushed away; women are Phi-Beta Kappa lovers! So you don't have to command someone to do, somebody to do something that they're naturally built and constructed to do! But we have to be commanded to love!
You say "Well, I want to love. I don't know how to love. What does it mean to love? I try to love..." Guys, you married the one who can teach you to love! Watch how she loves! Jo Beth writes me little notes. She just touches me, she smiles, she teases me. She encourages me, she embraces me! She's teaching me how to love! If I haven't learned from the best teacher in the world, you married the best teacher, lune lune! I'm looking at myself... That's how we learn how to love! But it says the wife is to respect her husband. Where does a wife learn to respect her husband? You see, a wife seeking to love her husband begins to correct and point out flaws, and inconsistencies, and a wife begins to speak and lecture that husband. The husband doesn't interpret that as a wife is loving me, trying to improve me. The husband sees "My wife is not respecting me".
See, that's how he hears that. And we have to have respect! That's our food! That's our water! That keeps us alive! A wife has to have love. That's her water! That keeps her alive! So, where does a wife learn how to respect her husband? Your husband respects certain people. You know it. What does he do to show respect? He knows somebody... Now, husbands, if a man does not respect another man, that person either becomes an enemy, or that person you walk away from, or you get in a fist fight. Right guys? Every man understands that. You know, men respect men! It's a part, it's built-in with us. I respect you; you respect me. I look around this place. I see men I know, and I respect. That's the way we're built. See? We're made like that! Women can learn how to respect us by seeing how we respect other men, how we respect other people.
Now, what happens in a relationship when the husband does not love his wife? She diminishes. She gets smaller. She needs love. She has the capacity to love. She must be loved. If the husband doesn't love the wife, the wife is diminished. And when the wife does not respect her husband, the husband is diminished. The husband gets smaller. And when you get in that cycle-he's not loving her because she doesn't respect him, and she doesn't respect him, and he doesn't love her, see, it works both ways. She does not respect him; he does not love her. He does not love her; she does not respect him, and it's a downward cycle that a lot of marriages get caught in, and some day they wake up, way down at the bottom of the area, and they're, they're caught! They're captured! And they don't know what to do!
Now, we realize the need that the men have for unconditional love, where they failed, and he's having a tough time. He didn't get the promotion, and things are going bad. Listen, wives! You are called to be a cheerleader for your husband! Cheerleaders, they don't care if the team's really ahead 20 points, or 30 points. I mean, they're gonna cheer! I mean, they cheer! They cheer, and cheer for the team! And that's showing respect for the team! Cheerleaders are built-in individuals who respect the team! And they cheer for that team, fourth quarter, getting beat, 48 to nothing-that's all right! Man, I'm cheering for my team, right? Wives are to be cheerleaders. Husbands are to be fans!
I love sports! I can sit out in your backyard and watch your son or daughter play basketball for hours. I'm just happy as I can be! I'm a purist! I love sports! I can watch, you know, March madness! I love sports! I'm a purist. I'm a fan. That's what a fan is. Whatever the circumstances, I'm a fan! I like the game for the games sake! And let me tell you, guys-your wife is to be, you're to be her greatest fan! That's how you show love to her. You just cheer for that guy, gals! You show respect. Men, you just are a fan of your wife, whatever the circumstances. She knows in you she's got a supporter. She's got somebody who's with you, somebody who believes in you, somebody who knows that you're the most beautiful person on the earth because you're the rest of themselves! You put it all together!
Now, we begin to know how this thing works! And if you were true, guys, when you stood up the beginning of the service, and that terrible pastor put you on the spot and made you say, you know, "I want to li, I will live with my wife in an understanding way". This is the way it's done! This is it! This is God's choreography for marriage! It's God's plan! It's God's music, and don't miss out on what He has! Don't just go part of the way, or partial part of the way! Guys, go all the way and say "I want my marriage to sizzle! I want it to become everything God intends for it to become, right at this moment in my life".
I've been married 50 years, and I can tell you, there's more sizzle, and excitement, and meaning, and fun, and creativity in my marriage than its ever been! And it's just grown through the years. Not that I'm the good husband! I just married a terrific gal, and I'll tell you one thing: I'm her best fan in this world!
Now, Let me tell you what happens when you get in this downward cycle here, guys. What happens is, some man stands up and think you're supposed to live with your wife as if you own the team! Guys, you don't own the team! And wives have the idea, "I'm the coach of this team"! You're not the coach of this team! Females are cheerleaders, and guys are fans! And then when the wife is being loved as Christ loved the church-wheww, then the wife will naturally respect the husband the way that we need our ego, we need that respect, and it's all unconditionally.
And suddenly, there is a Divine dance! There's a Divine dance... And we have that strong call, testosterone call comes to the guy. But the guy understands. His wife is saying "I can't always respond". The guy understands! "I can't compartmentalize"! The guy understands. Oohh. "I can't ignore the environment". The guy understands. "I can't be rushed". But then all of a sudden in the love and respect, and respect and love that's taking place in that marriage, and the chemistry is there; there you have the great love song of God. Two become one, and there is a dance that is out of this world.