Craig Groeschel - Healing a Wounded Marriage
Let’s stir it up and get things out in the open. If you are married today or you plan on getting married, raise your hand, if you plan on cheating on your spouse. Raise it up. Raise it up. All of our locations, raise every hand right now. Hopefully there’s not some poor guy in another campus not paying attention and raises his hand. Do not do that. I asked that question because it’s pretty obvious, almost no one plans to cheat on their spouse, right? Almost no one plans on getting married and then getting divorced one day. Almost no one hopes for a heartbreak in relationship. I have done lots of weddings, I’ve never had someone on their wedding day say, Hey, we’re hoping for seven good years, let’s pop out a couple of kids, then we’ll split up and rotate on the holidays. No one says that. But what if I told you that culture is quietly preparing you for that outcome. And it’s not with neon signs and a pitchfork, the devil is way too smart for that.
Our spiritual enemy, he is subtle, and he is sneaky, and he attacks marriages with all sorts of small lies. It’s when you go to the movies and the message in the movie glamorizes casual sex, romanticizes adultery and calls that love. It’s in the songs on your playlist that glorify selfishness and call it strength. It’s everything we see on social media that brainwashes you to believe that the highest goal in your life is your happiness above all else. And it’s every message in culture that tells us today that marriage doesn’t matter, you matter most, put yourself first, do whatever makes you happy, do whatever makes you feel good, have sex as often as you want with whoever you want, however you want, with no strings attached.
Live together if you want to, try it out, share a bed, share a pet, share a Netflix account. Play like you’re married, but don’t actually get married. Keep your options open, and when things get tough, grab your clothes, grab your toothbrush, go your own way. Because culture is literally preparing you for divorce. And here’s the truth, most people don’t plan to ruin their marriage. They just don’t plan not to. Most people don’t ever plan to end up divorced. Most people just don’t plan not to. And that’s why today we’re gonna look at one of the most difficult, one of the most raw, and one of the most real stories in the Bible. We’re gonna look at a story of a prophet named Hosea and a woman named Gomer.
And in this story, Hosea, he had every single reason to walk away, but God had different plans. And as we look at the story I wanna be very, very clear, this is a story about their relationship, but more importantly than their relationship this is actually a picture of God’s love for us. And we’re gonna look at how God loves us when it’s most difficult, and we’re gonna see what grace looks like whenever trust is broken. And this is gonna be a story about how healing is always possible, even when it might feel too far gone. The context of this very emotional story takes place around 750 BC and Hosea was a prophet in the northern kingdom of Israel. And if you looked at the people at that time, it kinda looks like our culture today, they looked all happy and blessed.
You know, if they lived today, they’d be showing their best life now on social media. But the reality is, is they were very, very far from God, there was a lot of corruption, and a lot of sin. So God raised up Hosea, this prophet, to deliver a very prophetic message. What’s interesting is it wasn’t just a message with his words, but it was actually God’s message through his life. And lemme tell you what was happening is see if it sounds familiar, the people of Israel, they were turning away from God, they were chasing idols, they were ignoring God, and they were acting like they didn’t need God. Sound familiar? The people were turning away from God, they were chasing idols, they were ignoring God, and they were acting like they didn’t need God. A lot like a lot of people today.
So God told Hosea, the prophet, to go marry Gomer, a woman who was gonna break his heart. Now remember, this is also a message about God’s love for us. So God doesn’t tiptoe into the story, I mean, God just goes right into it. We see in the text in Hosea 1:2. «When the Lord first begins speaking to Israel through Hosea, He said to him, Hey Hosea, go marry a prostitute». Why? «So that some of her children will be conceived in prostitution. This will illustrate how Israel has acted like a prostitute by turning against the Lord and worshiping other gods». I mean, you talk about a painful story that’s going to show us and demonstrate what covenantal love looks like.
And I promise you, this isn’t the filtered, look at us on vacation kind of love. This is the kind of love that bleeds, and forgives, and never gives up. And so Hosea the prophet, he marries Gomer. And if you fast forward in their marriage, they had two sons and a daughter. Now, if you looked at their relationship from the outside, you go like, Hey, they look pretty happy. To put it in kind of modern terms here’s kind of what would’ve been going on just through the lens of our culture today. Hosea was focused on his ministry and things looked good. Gomer was at home raising the kids, doing the best she could when reality sets in. She goes, oh, I thought this would be amazing to be a mom. But she’s up to her ears, and diapers, and laundry, and suddenly he’s busy doing his thing. Maybe she doesn’t feel seen, she doesn’t feel attractive after having a few kids. They’re not connecting emotionally.
So imagine one night she gets a DM. Work with me, we’re just imagining what could have happened. She gets a, work with me, okay? She gets a DM from an old boyfriend who says, s’up. Because that’s the kind of loser he was. S’up. And he’s up in her feed, and the next thing you know there is a door to temptation that’s open, because no one plans to wreck their marriage. They know the plan not to. When you look at it, and I’ve been in ministry working with families for years and years and years, broken marriages rarely start with an intentional decision to wreck the marriage. They generally start with a little bit of a drift. And perhaps the most common marriage misconception that I’ve seen is this, people tend to believe that what I’m missing is better than what I have. What I’m missing is better than what I have. What I really want is out there, not right here.
And we see this in a text in Hosea 2:5. She said this, she said, «Hey, I’ll go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink». I’m gonna go after the people who have what I don’t have here. She’s married to a great man, and yet she’s attracted to what she doesn’t have. Years ago I studied something that someone called the 80/20 Marriage Trap. And you may see this in some relationships around you. What is the 80/20 marriage trap? It goes like this. You walk away from someone who gives you 80% of what you’re looking for. They’re faithful, they meet your needs, they’re a good person, they’re relatively godly, they’re good to be around, they’ve got a stable place, they’re good dad, they’re good mom. You walk away from someone who gives you 80% chasing the 20% you feel like you’re missing. And then what happens? When the 80% is gone you realize that 20% was never worth the trade.
You go, I’ve got something pretty good, but there’s something else out there that I don’t have. And if I can go get that something else out there that I don’t have, then I’m gonna be happy. And then you go get what you don’t have and you realize you missed what you had the whole time, because the 20% you didn’t have wasn’t worth trading the 80% that you already did have. What I’m missing is more important than what I have here. And the devil is a liar. The devil is a liar. He’s the father of lies. The greatest weapon he has against you is a lie. The devil is gonna lie to you to attack your children, the devil’s gonna lie to you to attack your relationship with God, the devil’s gonna lie to you to attack your marriage.
And when it comes to your relationship, these are the most common lies the devil will tell you. The devil will tell you that love should be easy. If it’s hard, it must be wrong. If it’s not easy, and it’s not always tingly, if you have to work at it, it must not really be love, because love should be easy. And if it’s hard, it must be wrong. The devil will tell you if you’re not happy, you must be with the wrong person. Because if you’re with the right person, you would always feel happy, and you would always feel joy, and you would always feel content. But because you’re not happy, you must have married the wrong person. So the right person must be out there somewhere because you couldn’t be married to the right person if you’re not happy.
Now, and the devil’s gonna tell you, if your needs aren’t met, guess what, because your happiness is above anything else you have the right to look elsewhere. And that is how the devil attacks you. He lies, he is the father of lies, and he wants to convince you that what you don’t have is better than what you do, so you better leave what you have and go after what you don’t have. Gomer didn’t need a different man, she needed a different mindset. She had a blessing at home and she went looking for a curse outside the home. Unfortunately, she believed the lie. And so she kept cheating on her husband, having sex with other men. It’s painful to hear that. And miraculously, God called Hosea to keep loving her, and Hosea kept loving her.
Some of you, you may be in a relationship right now where you’re putting in more effort than your spouse. You’re doing the work, and you’re seeking God, and you’re trying to make it right. You’re trying to be a good influence on your kids, and you’re trying to bring God into your home, and you’re trying to hold the marriage together, and you’re trying to be loving when someone’s not being. You’re trying to be respectful, you’re trying to be honoring. You’re trying, you’re believing. And you go to church, and you hope, and nothing’s happening. And I just wanna acknowledge right now, that’s never easy. And there is no part of me that’s gonna say, Hey, just keep doing that, that’s easy.
I’m gonna tell you right now, it is not easy. But just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean that God may not honor your faith. It is the right thing to do. If you’re putting in more effort and you’re standing for your marriage, I wanna show you how Hosea did the exact same thing. It wasn’t easy, it never is, but I’m gonna show you in scripture three things you can do to keep fighting for your marriage, even if you’re the only one fighting. The first thing we see him do, and we see it clearly, and you can do the same thing, number one, is you can set healthy boundaries. You can set healthy boundaries. And Hosea, he’s actually speaking on behalf of God. But I wanna watch what you see him say about boundaries. He says this, «Therefore, I will block her path with thornbushes. I will wall her in so she cannot find her way».
Now, notice what Hosea didn’t do, he didn’t preach to her, you’re loser you need to repent and turn to God for your sin, turn away from that. He didn’t preach to her, he didn’t yell at her, he didn’t try to control her, but he also didn’t stand by passively and let her continue to hurt herself, hurt him, and to live in sin. What did he do? He actually set healthy boundaries. Thornbushes. Why? Because that woman is walking herself into trouble. So he’s gonna put something to block her from getting into trouble. And you say, that sounds kinda like punishment. It actually wasn’t punishment, it was love. He’s trying to protect her from the consequence of the sin and guard the covenant of his marriage.
And I’m gonna tell you right now, it’s not restrictive, it’s loving. Healthy marriages have healthy boundaries. What is the purpose of a boundary? What is the purpose of a fence? If you put a fence up, why do you put a fence up? You put a fence to keep the good stuff in, keep your puppy in, keep your kids in keep, keep the bad out. Don’t let the wolves get your dog, or your garden, or whatever. You wanna keep the good in and you wanna keep the bad out. So if you’re wise in your marriage, you’re gonna create some boundaries, some fences that are there, not to be restricted but to be freeing, to be healthy.
So let’s say you have a problem with porn. What do you do? You might put up a boundary. You say, I don’t have access to look at adult content on my phone or my computer, or we’re gonna share passwords and so you can see who I’m talking to, when I’m talking to it. Or if you travel on business, you don’t want to be tempted to stray from your marriage, you may say, I’m not gonna travel alone, or I’m not gonna go to certain different types of places. And you’re gonna create the boundaries that help keep the bad stuff out. And if you’re smart, you’re gonna create some boundaries that also help keep the good stuff in. It might be a habit, it might be something you do.
For example, I’ll preach better once I drink a little bit of water, you may say, in our marriage, we pray together, we seek God daily. Amy and I pray together almost every day and rarely is it a long prayer, but it is a consistent prayer. We’re gonna seek God together in prayer. It might be that we’re in a life group together. It’s a boundary, that this is something we do. We’re gonna keep the good stuff in because we know that a marriage without community is a vulnerable marriage. It might be that we go to church together, like every single time, no matter what, when we’re in town, we worship together in the house of the Lord. And if we’re out of town, we’re worshiping together at church online. Because church isn’t just something we choose to do, it’s who we are, it’s a part of our lives, and that’s what we do. And so what we’re doing is we’re intentionally deciding for your own marriage, not everyone needs the same fences, you just heard me, in our marriage this is a boundary, not something restrictive, something protective to keep the bad stuff out and to keep the good stuff in.
We’ve worked really hard in our marriage to keep the bad stuff at a distant and to fill ourselves with good stuff. And here’s the principle, when your marriage is full of what honors God, there’s not much room for what dishonors Him. When you pack the good stuff in, there’s not much room for the bad stuff. And so Hosea says, «We’re putting up thornbushes to keep her from getting into kind of trouble». And we’re gonna keep the good stuff in and keep the bad stuff out. What happens if the bad stuff does start to creep in? And it will occasionally. We’re vulnerable to the temptation of the evil one. So what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna say, Hey, let’s talk about this. I’m not quitting on you, I’m not leaving you, I’m not mad at you, but I love you too much to let this behavior continue. And it might be you can’t get drunk, you have a problem.
If more than one person tells you you have a problem, you probably have a problem with alcohol, or prescription drugs, or whatever it is. And so I love you too much, this is not gonna be a part of our marriage. And you put up a boundary and you get some kind of help. Porn addiction is not, porn in our house is not something we’re gonna tolerate. And so we’re gonna determine how we’re gonna keep that out. You know, gambling, you may be able to place a bet, but you’re placing too many and it’s hurting our marriage, and it’s obvious an addiction. I love you, I’m not leaving you but you can’t continue on that. It could be any, Hey, you’re too harsh. Your words are, you’re disrespectful, you’re not kind.
And so we’re gonna make a change, we’re gonna create a boundary, we’re gonna go to counseling, we’re gonna get some help. We’re gonna keep the good stuff in and we’re gonna push the bad stuff out. It’s not restrictive, it’s protective, and it’s loving. This is what Hosea did. He created a loving boundary with Gomer. I want to show you how he lived this out. He said, «I told her, you live with me many days. You must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man». That sounds reasonable if you’re gonna be married. And he says, «I’ll behave the same way toward you». I’m gonna keep the bad stuff out, keep the good stuff in. I’m gonna ask you to do the same thing. This is not restrictive, this is loving.
The first thing that we can do is we can set healthy boundaries. The second thing we learn from their story is that we can keep loving like God loves you. We can keep loving like God loves you. And this is not easy to do, especially when you’ve been hurt. But I wanna show you what the Lord said to Hosea. The Lord said to him this, «Then the Lord said to me, Hey, go love your wife again, even though she commits adultery with another lover». Go love her with the same type of love that I’ve showed you. Even when you’ve been unfaithful I’ve loved you, God says, now go love her with that same type of love, even though she’s been unfaithful with another lover. I’m just gonna tell you right now, that’s tough, man. Because let’s call it what it is, Hosea had every single right to walk away. He could have done it.
Adultery and you can divorce. But instead, he walked toward the one that broke his heart, not because she earned it, but she had committed to her and he had committed to God. And why did God tell Hosea to keep loving Gomer even though she had been unfaithful? Hosea 3:1 tells us this, «The Lord said to me, Go and love your wife again, even though she commits adultery with another lover. This will illustrate that the Lord still loves Israel, even though the people have turned to other gods and love to worship them».
Remember, this isn’t just a story about a man and a woman, this is a story about God and the people of Israel. This is a story about God and us. This is how God loves us. He continues to love us even though He has every right to turn His back on us. And He moves toward us even when we continue to break His heart. And Paul said in the New Testament this, he said, «But God demonstrates His own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners, while we were still rejecting Him, Christ died for us». That’s how good God is, that’s His love for us, that’s His love for you, that in His mercy, He forgives us. Not because we are good, but because He is good in loving. And that raises the question, if we’re supposed to continue to love when they do something so horrible, how do you forgive something that feels unforgivable? I mean, unfaithfulness in marriage, how do you heal after that? How do you heal after betrayal, after abuse, after neglect? How do you heal after some of the stuff that you’ve been through? How do you forgive? And the answer is straight in God’s word.
Colossians 3:13 tells us this, «We are to forgive,» say it with me, «as the Lord forgave you». Wow. How am I to forgive somebody who hurt me? In the exact same way that God has forgiven me. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been forgiven of a lot. And in the same way that I’ve been forgiven, that’s how I’m supposed to forgive others. And so let’s just go right to where we live today. Can you leave after adultery? Can you divorce after adultery? The Bible says yes you can. Adultery is grounds for divorce. Adultery is also grounds for forgiveness. In other words, can you leave after adultery? The answer is yes, you can. Or with the help and grace of Jesus in the same way that you’ve been forgiven, you can forgive, and you can believe for healing, and you can believe for restoration.
I’d love to tell you it’s always gonna work out, it may not. I mean, it may not. You may forgive and do everything right and they still may step all over you. Or you may forgive and do most things right, and God may do a miracle in them, and you may see a relationship healed. There are no guarantees. But how? How do you forgive? You forgive the same way you’ve been forgiven. How do you keep going when it would be so much easier to walk away? Well, you can set healthy boundaries. We’re gonna keep the good in and try to keep the bad out. We’re gonna keep loving like God loves us. And then the third thing we learn is we’re gonna let God restore what’s broken. We’re gonna let God heal what only He can heal. We’re gonna let God do what only He can do. We’re gonna let God restore what’s broken.
And in Hosea 6:1 we see this, «Come, he says, let us return to the Lord. Now he will heal us». We can’t do this on our own. Let’s go back to Him, to God, to Him the Lord. «He will heal us, now He will bandage our wounds. And in just a short time, I believe He will restore us so that we may live in His presence. Oh, that we might know the Lord». He says, «Let us press on to know Him». Let’s return to Him, let’s call unto Him. He’s the one that can heal us, He can bandage our wounds, so what do we do? Let’s press into Him, let’s get you to know Him. Let’s call on Him, let’s depend on Him, He is our only hope, He is the only one that can heal us, in a short time God may restore us.
So what do we do? What do we do? Well, scripture tells us this. How do we find it? Scripture says, «Sow for yourselves righteousness». Sow righteousness, what does that mean? Do the right things, honor God, live faithfully, keep the bad stuff out, keep the good stuff in. Do what’s right before God. «Sow for yourselves righteousness, and then reap the fruit of unfailing love. Break up your unplowed ground for it’s time to seek the Lord. It’s time to seek the Lord. It’s time to seek the Lord until He showers His righteousness on you». It’s time to seek the Lord. Break up that hard ground. If there’s hardness in your heart, let the Holy Spirit break it open so that you call on God and repent of sin, and kneel down before Him and say, I’ve sinned against you, God, I need your grace. Forgive me for how I’ve treated my… Forgive me for neglecting my… Forgive me for not leading people toward you.
«You sow for yourself righteousness and you reap the rewards of unfailing love». And you say, easy for you to say, Craig, 'cause you got a good marriage. And we do, and I thank God for it. But what you don’t see is the sowing, and the breaking of the hard ground. You don’t see the hard conversations when Amy keeps me up until 2:30 in the morning. Because the Bible says, «Don’t let the sun go down on your anger». And so she takes it literally. And when I want to go to bed, she says, «No». And when I’m playing hard to get, like if she accidentally touches my toe in the bed, I pull it back and say, «You’re not touching my toe, get your feet on your own side of the bed».
You don’t see the apologies. Like yesterday when I was unkind and said, give me a minute, I’m gonna come back and I’m gonna have a better heart when I come back. And the apology. And you don’t see the humility, you don’t see the repentance, you don’t see the forgiveness, you don’t see the healing, and you don’t see the thing, I hope you see the fruit, but you don’t see the sowing. And that is that we seek God, seek God, seek God, seek God, seek God. And it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, where you are in your life, how close you are to God, how far you’re to God, how good your marriage, how bad your marriage, you can do it right now too. Right now, it doesn’t matter where you are, you’re one prayer away from the heart of God. God, we need you, you start there. God we’re pressed, and God I wanna know you.
You just cry out to Him, you cry out to Him, you cry out to Him wherever you are. Doesn’t matter how good it is, how bad it is, how dark it is, how alone you feel, when two people cry out to God, there is one God who hears the cries of your heart and will meet you in the middle of your pain. Sow for yourself seeds of righteousness, do the right thing. Break up the hard ground and reap the rewards of unfailing love. It’s never easy. It’s never easy. It’s always worth it. So you fight to keep the devil out.
Craig, you have stupid boundaries. Well, yeah, and they’re there for a reason. Because I don’t want stupid getting in. Boundaries, keep the bad out, the good in. And then I’ve been forgiven so much and loved when I don’t deserve it, so I better forgive and love in the same way. And we’re gonna keep pursuing to God, pursuing Him. He is the only one who can heal. And He can heal in a moment. He can heal a heart that’s turned hard. And so what do we do? We press into Him, we seek Him. No matter where you are, no matter what you’re going through, God knows the pain that you’re in, God knows the cries of your heart, God cares about every detail of your life. And He is ready to meet you in your need. Today at all of our churches would you just pray with me? Just open up your hearts to God. Maybe even, maybe you can even look up here for just a second if you want. Gotta open your eyes, maybe just do this, if you’re comfortable, just kind of open hands toward God, now you can close your eyes again.
And God, with opening hands to you, we pray, God, that we would just receive your presence, your healing, help, your hope. We pray for your goodness, we pray for your provision, we pray for miracles.
Now with one hand open, if you wanna experience more of God’s love personally, if you wanna experience more of God’s love in your marriage I want you to put one hand up in the air and leave the other one hand open. Just put one hand up and one hand open. In the act of worship:
God, we’re calling on you, we’re reaching toward you, we’re open to what you want to give us, we’re open to what you wanna do in us, and we’re drawing near to you. God, we thank you that when we draw near to you, you draw near to us. Do miracles now, God, in our hearts. God, not pointing at someone else, but asking you to work in us. God, do a work in me. God, heal my heart, my hurts, God, forgive me where I’ve sinned. Point me toward you. Now, God… (Go ahead and lift both hands up if you want. If you’re a comfortable maybe both hands up toward heaven.) We call on you, we need you. We need you in our relationships, we need you in our marriage, we need you for our children, God, we want you to be the Lord of our lives. We call on you, we need you. Thank you God for meeting us in our need. We cry out to you in Jesus' name. If you agree, say amen. Amen.
You can put your hands down and continue praying today at all of our different churches. And just a couple more moments without looking around, there are some of you today that you know you need the forgiveness of God. Every week I try to present what’s called the gospel. The gospel means good news. I’m gonna tell it to you in just a little bit of a different way today. I grew up going to church. I was in church quite often, but I didn’t understand the grace of Jesus. And I sinned, I hurt people, I lied, I cheated, I did all sorts of things. And I didn’t feel good enough for God. And I didn’t realize that God loved me, not because of how I performed, but because of who He is, He is love. And what I want you to hear right now is no matter what you’ve done, God loves you. I cried out for forgiveness and I just, I couldn’t receive it because I felt like I needed to earn it. And what I wanna tell you right now is you can never earn it. You’ll never be good enough for it, you don’t deserve it that’s why it’s good news, that’s why it’s amazing, that’s why it’s called amazing grace.
Scripture says that, «You’re only made right with God by the grace of God through faith». Faith in Jesus, who is Jesus? He is the son of God. He was perfect in every way. He came for those who were hurting and those who are broken, and He gave His life on a cross for the forgiveness of our sins. He suffered and died for us, and He didn’t stay dead. On the third day, our heavenly Father raised Him from the dead, so anyone, and this includes you, it doesn’t matter what you’ve done, anyone, who believes in Him wouldn’t perish but have eternal life. When you call on the name of Jesus, the name that is above every name, God hears your prayers, He forgives your sins, He makes you brand new.
Today there are those of you, you’re here right now for this moment, for this purpose. You’re watching online, you’re at a life group location, you know you’re not right with God, you don’t know what to do, today we’re just gonna surrender to Him. We’re gonna cry out. When you do, God will forgive every sin, and He makes you brand new. You’re not just a better version of you, you’re new, you’re different. At all of our churches and online, those who say, I need that, I need His grace, I need His forgiveness, today we’re stepping away from our old life, we’re stepping into His love, into His grace. Say, «yes, Jesus, I give you my life. Be my Savior, be my Lord».
That’s your prayer. Lift your hands high right now, all over the place. Lift up and say, yes, that’s my prayer. Praise God for you guys, at all of our churches today saying, yes, Jesus. Come on right here. All of our churches saying, yes, Jesus, I surrender to you. Online, type in the comment section, I’m surrendering my life to Christ. I’m surrendering Him. Oh, God is so good. Today at all of our churches would Jesus pray aloud, pray:
Heavenly Father. Forgive all of my sins. I need your grace, your love, your forgiveness. Be the Lord of my life. First in every single way. Fill me with your spirit so I could know you and serve you for the rest of my life. My life is not my own. I give it all to you. In Jesus name, I pray. And all God’s people said, Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.