Craig Groeschel - When Love Doesn't Fix the Pain
Well, we all know that whenever you go on social media and you see people posting about their marriage, we typically see what I call, «My Marriage is Amazing» posts. Does anybody know what I’m talking about? It’s like, «Hey, look how good we are and look at how happy we are and how blessed that we are». And there are so many marriages that genuinely are really, really good. But typically when you look on social media, what you see is the highlight reel, right? You see people on their vacations, you see the romantic dinners, you see the matching pajamas at Christmas time and the caption says something like, «I love you more today than ever before,» which is often true. But sometimes, what it means is «We almost killed each other last week, but we’re still here. And so I’m acknowledging that we’re still here».
And we gotta be honest about the posts. No one ever posts about the argument in the car, right? Especially the one on the way to church. Amy and I are very blessed to have a great marriage and I honestly think that the place we have our worst fights are in the car, why? I’m not sure, but I know I’m not doing something right when I’m driving in the car. Maybe you can relate. And if you look at just what you see online, a lot of times, you may be convinced that there’s something wrong with your relationship. And I wanna talk to those of you who are maybe dating or maybe married and you feel like there might be something wrong with me or with us and show you that real love reminds you.
Real love is not always perfect, right? It’s not always flowers and fireworks and fairytales. Real love is often choosing to be kind instead of having to be right. Real love is apologizing when you get it wrong and forgiving when someone has wronged you. Real love is committing to stay when everything in you wants to leave. And so today, we’re gonna look at a real story about Hannah and Elkanah from the Old Testament. It’s in 1 Samuel 1. It is a very real story about real people with real problems that weren’t perfect, but they stayed faithful to God and faithful to each other. And I wanna show you from God’s Word today, that real love isn’t always easy but is always worth fighting for.
Now, we’re gonna do something different today. If you are at a local campus, I’m actually gonna team teach with your campus pastor. If you’re at church online or YouTube, I’m gonna continue to teach the rest of the message. But I wanna pause for a moment and just say thank you and show honor to every local pastor that faithfully prays for you, serves you, is involved in your daily life, and lives with integrity, makes a big difference. Today I’m introducing the message, I’m handing it over to your campus pastor now who will teach the rest of the message at your local Life.Church or Open Network church. Can you please show honor today to your campus Pastor? Come on.
All right, you don’t have to show honor here 'cause it’s just me. Let’s get to work, all right? The story we’re looking at today actually takes place around 1100 years before the birth of Christ. And it was during a season or time in history when the judges were ruling and it was a very spiritually dark season for the people of Israel. Elkanah is the guy we’re gonna look at. He was a Levite from the priestly lineage. And we’re gonna see this guy always took his family to church. He took him to a place called Shiloh where they would go to church and he is doing everything, for the best we can tell, right before God. He’s loving God. They’re serving God faithfully. And we’re gonna see that even though this family was serving God, they still had problems.
Real people with a real faith and a real God, and they struggled with infertility. They had heartbreak in their lives. They had drama in their family. And we’re gonna look today from God’s Word, we’re looking at four different principles that we can learn from their story and apply to our relationships. The first one is this. If you’re taking notes, number one, even families that love God still experience pain, problems, and pressure. Even those that are seeking God and serving God and doing what God would say is right and honorable still experience difficult times. And for context, Elkanah, we see he was very devoted to God. That’s something we can relate to. He also had two wives, which admittedly seems odd to us, and it is odd to us, but at that time it was, believe it or not, an accepted practice. From my perspective, some of us only have one wife and still can’t figure out her dishwasher rules.
So I’m not gonna judge, but I’m gonna stay content where I am, right? This guy, his first wife, Hannah, he loved deeply. The problem is she couldn’t conceive and give birth to children. The other wife, Peninnah, the second wife, she could have kids and she kind of used that as leverage against Hannah. And she was not nice. There is a word for her that we’re not gonna use in church, but she was not kind. And we can see the heartbreak in 1 Samuel 1:4 that tells us this, that «Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah, he gave a double portion,» why? «Because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb».
This shows us very clearly, and it’s important to remember, just because we love God and served God, doesn’t mean that we won’t have problems. And just because we might have problems, doesn’t necessarily mean that we did something wrong. This couple was seeking God, they were serving God, they loved God, and they couldn’t conceive a child. And to Hannah, this wasn’t just heartbreaking, but she lived in a culture where, for the most part, a woman’s worth would be judged by her ability to have children. And so infertility wasn’t just disappointing, it was devastating. She would’ve felt like God didn’t approve of her. People would’ve judged her, it’s like she did something wrong. She would’ve felt rejected by people and maybe even forgotten by God. So she wants a baby. Her husband, Elkanah, wants a baby and it wasn’t happening.
One of the many things I love about the Bible is it just shows things just like they are. And we’re not pulling any punches here. And we actually see in the Bible 1 Samuel 1:6, what’s happening here? «So Peninnah would taunt Hannah and make fun of her because the Lord had kept her from having children». I told you, that’s just mean. Type in the comment section, «That’s just mean». Elbow the person next to you, say, «don’t ever do that. That’s just mean». So, she’s taunting her, and I want you to notice this. The Bible says, «Year after year, it was the same. Peninnah would taunt Hannah as they went to the Tabernacle». «Year after year, it was the same. And each time, Hannah would be reduced to tears and wouldn’t even eat».
Think about this. Elkanah’s taking his family to church. And Peninnah, the other wife, is throwing shade on Hannah. And it wasn’t just one time. How often was it? Say it with me: year after year. And this is where I wanna slow it down and just acknowledge that some of you are dealing with what might be a year after year issue. Maybe year after year after year, you’re praying that God would do something in your marriage and you haven’t seen God do what you’re asking Him to do. Or year after year, you’re praying for healing, for migraines, for healing from depression. Or year after year, you’re praying for a child who continues to walk away from God. And year after year, you cry out to God. And year after year, you don’t see God doing what you know God can do. And she’s there. She’s doing the right things. And she keeps showing up. She keeps seeking God. She keeps believing for the miracle. And some of you may feel like that.
Some of you know what it’s like to be faithful to God and frustrated at the very same time. Like literally, you are faithful and you’re honoring God and your motives are pure and your heart is sincere and you’re frustrated because you’re not seeing what you wanna see. And you may show up to church with a smile and sometimes go home with a heavy heart because you know you’re pursuing God and you’re still not seeing what you want to see. And that’s real life where God doesn’t always do what we want Him to do, but we still serve Him faithfully and He’s still good even in the middle of our pain. So she’s a wreck. She’s doing what’s right. She’s living for God. She’s seeking God and she can’t have a baby.
That’s the bad news. The good news is she had a husband, Elkanah, and how many of you know that men always say the right thing at the right time? Why are you laughing? Because we sometimes have what I’d call a lapse of judgment. It’s a man thing, it’s never personal. It is just a man thing. And we’re gonna see him with really good intentions. Let’s just say miss the target, just a bit. 1 Samuel 1:8, this is in the Bible. «Her husband Elkanah always say to her, 'Hannah, why are you weeping? '» «I mean, I know you can’t have kids. I know it’s a desire of your heart and I know a society pressures you to have it, and this would make you feel whole and this is what you’ve been praying for and believing for since you’re a little child. Why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you so downhearted»?
Now, watch what he says. «Don’t I mean more to you than 10 sons»? In the middle of her deepest grief, he’s like, «But babe, you’ve got this. Doesn’t that make you happy»? I mean, that actually makes me feel so much better about the 14 dumb things I said yesterday because none of 'em are that bad. And this raises a thought, lesson number two is sometimes your spouse doesn’t need a solution. They just need your presence. Sometimes, they don’t want you just to fix the problem, but they want you to feel the pain in the moment with them. And I’m still learning this lesson almost 34 years into marriage. I still have to remind myself that sometimes when Amy is in a difficult spot emotionally or facing some kind of challenge, everything in me says, «Here’s three steps to fix the problem. We can do this and we can do this and we can do that. Stay there, here I come to the rescue»!
And as much as I want to do that and as much as it feels right, sometimes what she wants is not me fixing but be feeling with what she’s going through in the middle of the moment. And one woman is clapping on the front row really loud right now. And she was hurting. He wanted to help, but he didn’t know how to help. And so year after year, this was an issue. Year after year, this was an issue. Some of you are going through something and year after year, it’s been an issue. So what does she do? Well, rightly, wisely, she takes her pains, she takes her hurts to God. We’re told to cast our cares upon Him, cast our anxiety upon God because He cares for us. So she takes all of her grief, all of her pain, all of her frustration, all of her disappointment, and she pours it out to God.
And scripture says this, «In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, 'Lord Almighty, if you only look on your servant’s misery and remember me God, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life.'» And one of the things I love about Hannah is that she, in her heartbreak, she didn’t walk away from God. She didn’t shut down in silence, but she stood up and she poured out her heart to God. «In my anguish, in my weeping, God, I come back to You. I cry out to You, God. I believe that You can God and I believe that You will».
And when you look at her prayer, it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t polished. It wasn’t like something you would publish in a book. It was a cry from the depths of her heart and honest and anguished cry to God. Sometimes, the most powerful prayers are not the most polished or perfect, but just the most honest. God, I’m hurting, God. I need You, God. I don’t understand, God. You look at the Psalms and people just cry out to God. God, how can You and why not? And why didn’t You and I don’t understand? And why do they prosper? And why aren’t You doing this for me? And it shows us a third lesson that’s so important for our relationships. And the third principle we see in this story is that godly couples don’t avoid the pain, they invite God into it. Godly couples don’t avoid whatever hardship or challenge they’re facing, but they take it to God and they invite God into it.
And that’s why if your relationship right now is full of some pain, you’re not alone. You live in a broken world. And the best marriages, they’re not pain-free, but they are prayer-filled. It’s not that you don’t go through it, but when you go through it, you go through it together and together you take it to God. And what I’m gonna say right now is gonna make some of you a little bit uncomfortable. And I’m gonna say it clearly and I may even raise my voice just to make sure you listen to me. The most intimate thing you can do in your marriage isn’t physical, got quiet right now. The most intimate thing you can do in your marriage isn’t physical, it’s spiritual. The most intimate thing you can do in your marriage is to pray together in your marriage. It is the most intimate thing that you can do. And yet, it’s not a common practice in Christian marriages.
We don’t feel comfortable. We feel hesitant. We wonder sometimes why we’re not connecting in other ways. It’s easier to connect emotionally. It’s easier to connect physically. When you connect spiritually with the God who brought you together. And so I’m gonna say this and don’t get nervous and don’t get mad, but if you want more emotional intimacy in your marriage, in your relationship, develop more spiritual intimacy, and I’m gonna even say it this way, I’m gonna be so direct and say, if you want a better sex life, get a better prayer life. And at least two people said amen. Like, «Hey, we’re praying tonight. I mean, we’re praying, we’re gonna pray». We don’t pray to get the other result. We pray to seek the heart of God. But the other result tends to come because when you pray together, the walls come down. Whenever you pray, prayer softens whatever pride tends to harden in your life and you confess your fears and your needs to God and your insecurities to God.
You share your hopes and you shift from pretending to surrendering to God. And heaven seems to open. And as you pursue God together, you kind of get closer to each other. You’re closer to God and you’re closer to each other. And then, you send a clear signal to the devil, «This marriage belongs to God. We are seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. Whatever God is going together, no force of wickedness or darkness will separate what belongs to God». If you want more intimacy in any area of your life, get more intimacy with God. You say, «Okay, I’m open to it. But how do we pray together? Like how specifically do we pray together in marriage»?
What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna make it as simple as I can. And we’re gonna start here. And then if you want to take it to new levels, take it to new levels. But we’re gonna start here. How do you pray together in marriage? Number one, keep it simple. Everybody say, keep it simple. Keep it simple. Number two, keep it short. Everybody say keep it short. Keep it short. Keep it simple, keep it short. And if you miss one day, don’t miss two. Say it with me, keep it simple, keep it simple. Help me out, keep it short. And if you miss one day, don’t miss two, don’t miss two. Keep it simple. Now keep it short.
Some people say, «Now, Pastor Craig, shouldn’t we go to God for like a long extended period of time and pray eloquent»? Yes, please do if you want to. But if I tell you to pray for a long time, a fancy prayer, you’re not gonna do it. But if I tell you every single day just to join hands and say, «Hey, God, direct our steps today. Bless our kids, protect us from temptation, and help us do Your will». Let’s just start there. Let’s literally just start there. «God, just direct our steps today». Just start there. «God, help us to be a witness,» start there. «God, give us the words to say». «God, help us to be a light when we go to work».
Whatever, just start there. One, start with a sentence. Keep it short. Keep us simple. And then, oh, we forgot. Don’t forget twice. And what happens is if you start there, it’s kinda like going to the gym. You start to do this going, «Oh, that’s not so bad». And next thing you know, you’re doing a five pound, then you’re doing a seven and a half, you’re doing a 10 pound. Next thing you know, phew, phew. And so you just start and you’re learning to pray together and you’re creating a rhythm together and you’re seeking God together. And you know what’s crazy? It’s like it’s hard to fight when you’re praying. You kind of gotta apologize before you pray. And it’s hard to let the devil get between your marriage when you’re seeking the one together every single day.
One little simple thing can be a game-changer. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It doesn’t have to be long. It just has to be sincere and be consistent, a part of who you are. Keep it simple. «God, direct our steps today». «God, help us to honor You in what we do today». «God, protect our children, God». «God, give us wisdom today». «God, help us to do Your will». Start there, keep it short. And then if you want to go longer, go longer, but just start. And if you miss a day, don’t miss two. You start there, you build spiritual intimacy and watch as the relational intimacy, the physical intimacy, watch as it all overflows.
Now we see Hannah, she’s praying her brain’s out. It’s this very emotional prayer. And so this priest named Eli looks on, she’s there praying to God in church. And he looks on and he is like, «Hey, have you been drinking? Are you on the gummies? The expensive ones? The ones you have to get with a prescription? You know, are you doing that»? She said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I’m not drinking anything. This is what she says. She she says this. «No sir, I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord. Don’t think I’m a wicked woman! For I’ve been praying out of great anguish and sorrow».
So what do we see? We see her praying. Do we see her husband praying in this text? Answer yes or no. No. We don’t see it. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t doing it. He might’ve been, he might’ve been right by her. He might’ve been praying every day in the morning. He might’ve been praying on his lunch break. We don’t know if he was, we don’t know if he wasn’t, but we don’t see him doing it. We do know is she was praying. And in some of your relationships right now, you may be the only one seeking God. You may be the only one praying for a miracle in your marriage. You may be the only one praying for your children. You may be the only one asking for God to be the Lord of your life. And you are the only one praying. And if you are the only one praying, let me remind you of a truth that may be true for you, and that is that God often honors the faith of one to bless the lives of two.
So many times, there will be one faithful praying person, that over time, God hears the cries of their heart and God blesses both people or the whole family or generations to come because of one praying grandma, one praying man, one praying mama, one praying husband, one praying friend, one praying brother. If you’re the only one praying, keep praying. If you’re the only one praying, sometimes it’s hard to pray when you’re praying alone. And I just wanna acknowledge that and it’s lonely. And you wonder, is God ever gonna? Keep praying, keep believing. Sometimes, God will honor the prayer of one to bless the entire family. And so she’s crying out to God. And the priest then says this, the priest speaks up and says, «'Hey, in that case, go in peace! ' And the priest says to Hannah, 'And may the God of Israel grant the request you’ve asked of Him.' And she says, 'Oh, thank you, sir! ' And then she went back and began to eat again. And she was no longer sad».
Fascinating, all he said was, «God answered your prayer». Was there any physical evidence that anything had changed? No. No evidence whatsoever. There was no evidence that anything externally had changed. The only thing that changed was her perspective. Lesson number four, prayer may or may not change your circumstances, but prayer always changes you. Prayer may may not change what you see or what you experience, but it always changes your heart. And that’s the power of prayer before God, that God is always a good God. And He always answers your prayer. He may not give you exactly what you want, but in His good will and in His love for you, He always gives you what you need.
To somebody here who’s been praying for your marriage, praying for your children, praying for a miracle, praying for a breakthrough, praying for financial provision, whatever it is, and it feels like nothing is happening outwardly, though you may not see it outwardly, may I remind you, God is still working inwardly. He’s doing something in you to conform you to the image of His son Jesus. And though prayer may not change what you experience on the outside, prayer always changes you on the inside. Yes. And so she just prays and the priest says, «Hey, it’s this». She’s like, «Okay, I trust God. I believe it’s done». And what does the family do next? What do they do? I love this with all my heart.
Verse 19 tells us this, «The entire family got up early the next morning,» and went to the early service at Life.Church, or wherever, and they went to worship, «and they went to worship the Lord,» Read those last two words with me, say it with me. «They went to worship the Lord, once more». Once more. Try it again. «The entire family got up early the next morning and they went to worship the Lord,» Once more. Those two words are so emotional to me. They went to worship the Lord, Once more. They did it year after year, year after year. And they did it once more. And after they did it once more, they did it once more. It wasn’t a decision like, «Hey, you think we’re gonna go to church this weekend»?
It wasn’t like, you know, «The weather’s too nice, we’re gonna stay outside». «The weather’s too bad, we’re gonna stay at home». «The game’s on, we’re too tired, the kids are busy». No, no, they went to worship with the Lord once more. The worship of the Lord was a priority to them. They went to worship, not just like attend to worship the Lord, to worship the Lord once more. That is so emotional to me because for 34 years of marriage, we’ve chosen to go and worship sometimes and we don’t feel like it. And perhaps the most, maybe the most intimate moment in our marriage was months ago, when we took a direct hit that is as painful, we didn’t lose a child, we didn’t lose each other, there was no infidelity.
Outside of those type of things, it was as a direct hit and a painful experience as we’ve been through. And I was in my office right before coming to preach, sobbing my brains out, like sobbing, like heaving, crying, sobbing, praying with Amy, crying, sobbing, going, «I can’t preach, I can’t preach. I got a church full of people. I came to hear the word and the pastor doesn’t have any faith. I’m just like, I’ve got nothing». I wiped the tears off, sobbed, tried to make my eyes not look like I’ve been ugly crying, came out, sat in the same place we sat, held hands, lifted our hands up to worship. One hand of the air, the other hand holding Amy’s hand. And together we worship the Lord once more.
In the middle of pain, in the middle of heartbreak, in the middle of a direct emotional, spiritual hit, we worship the Lord once more. And it was so intimate because we were together and we were with Him and it things weren’t good and He was good, and we were hurting and He was faithful and we were down. And I believed in Him, and she believed in Him, and together we cried out to Him. And I realized that our faith doesn’t tend to grow in the good times. It’s crazy, it tends to grow when we’re desperate. And our intimacy, oh, I love good days with Amy.
There’s something special when we experience the presence and the goodness of God together on the days when it’s difficult. And that’s what I want you to see in this story. Is this like real, like whatever you’re going through, they went through. They’re going through the very same thing, heartbreak, disappointment, faith, and frustration all at the same time. And when we step back and look at it holistically, God speaks to us. And we realize that even families that love God still experience pain and heartbreak and hurt. And we see that in the middle of the pain, sometimes we’re not called to fix the problem with the people that we love, but just to feel the pain and do life with them. And whenever we’re hurting in a relationship, we don’t run from the pain, but together we take it to God and cry out to Him.
And we pray, we keep it simple, we keep it short, and we don’t miss a day because we need God. You can try to do it without Him when the spiritual enemy is attacking you every which way you turn. No, we go to God and we realize that prayer may or may not change our circumstances, but prayer always changes us. And so they go to God and they worship once more. And how does our story end? Well, the Bible tells us this, «In the course of time, Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son». And I love the answer. She gave birth to a son. What I love even more is the Bible says, «In the course of time».
In other words, it was not immediate, and it was not overnight, possibly because nobody gives birth overnight. But nevertheless, it’s encouraging to me that the answer came, but it wasn’t immediate. It was over the course of time. And God didn’t just give them a child. God gave them a prophet, meaning God didn’t just answer their prayer, but God actually fulfilled a bigger purpose that only He knew could be fulfilled in His way and in His time. And so that’s why I pray God speaks to someone here today. No matter what you’re facing, if you’re single, if you’re divorced, if you’re widowed, if you’re married and happy, if you’re married and struggling, be encouraged by this real-life love story of a couple that didn’t quit on each other and didn’t quit on God, but continued to press into Him, kept believing and kept praying and kept going to worship in church, and they worshiped Him once more.
And in the course of time, God showed up, and God proved Himself faithful in the same way that He always does, because God’s Word is true. His promises are yes and amen. And He is always good working in all things, in all things to bring about good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. And that’s how God tends to work. He works in marriages. And broken marriages, He rarely fixes overnight. But when two people choose to stay and choose to pray and choose to seek God, God moves and does what only God can do. And He doesn’t always immediately change the circumstances, but He always does change the heart. And when God changes the heart, anything is possible for good.
So God, I pray today by the power of your Holy Spirit, that You would do what only You can do. God, build our faith as we seek You.
Today online and in those churches that are still with us today, I wonder how many of you would say that you’re truly a follower of Jesus. You’ve been devoted to Him. You’re baptized believer. You know you exist to serve Him, but you actually want to be closer to Him in prayer, maybe with your kids, maybe with your spouse, maybe with people in your life, maybe just you need to be closer to God in prayer and you wanna commit to seek Him. It may be simple, it may be short, but it’s the everyday commitment. I wanna be closer to God in prayer. Would you lift up your hands right now at our churches and say, «Yes, that’s me». I hope it’s every believer online. You can type in the comment section. I wanna get to know God better in prayer.
And so Father, I just talk to You like a child would talk to a father and say, thank you that You love us. Thank you that You want to be in a relationship with us. God, thank You that whenever we seek You, that You reveal yourself to us. And so God, we just, we commit, we commit to talk to You, to to know You through Your Word. God, I pray for marriages that maybe have never prayed before or haven’t prayed together faithfully. They just start just right before bed or right before leaving for work or right before a meal, whatever it is. God, direct our steps. God, give us Your wisdom. God, give us Your heart. God, bless our children. God, help us to do Your will. And God, as we seek You first, we thank You that You’ll add everything that matters into our lives. God, help us to know You faithfully through prayer.
I wanna keep talking to others of you, who you say like, «I don’t even really know God,» and you know you’re not committed to Him. I wanna tell you how much He loves you. If you’ve ever felt like guilty, like I’ve done bad things, the reason is we’ve all done bad things. The Bible calls it sin, we’ve all sinned. We’ve all fallen short of what God would have for us. But God is so good and so loving that scripture says He sent His one and only son Jesus, the Son of God, who is perfect in every way, He never sinned. And Jesus was the perfect sacrifice for the forgiveness of our sins.
We read that that Elkanah would go and he’d make a sacrifice. That that was a way in the Old Testament of sacrificing an animal for like a temporary covering. Jesus is called the Lamb of God. He’s a permanent covering for our sins when He shed His blood and God raised Him from the dead. Today, wherever you’re watching from, there may be those of you that you don’t know where you stand with God and you’re not watching this message by accident. You’re here because the Holy Spirit is reaching out to you. And so what do you do? You just say, yes, I’m stepping away from my old life. I’m stepping away from my sinfulness, and I’m surrendering my life to Jesus. When you call on His name, He hears your prayers, He forgives your sins, He makes you brand new. And then, your life’s not yours alone. It exists for Him.
Today at all of our churches, those of you online who say, I need that. I need His forgiveness. I want to give my life to Him. If you’re stepping away from your sins and saying, Yes, Jesus, I wanna give my life to you today. I surrender to you. I make you my Lord. Would you lift your hands up high right now at all of our churches and say, Yes, today I’m giving my life. You lift up your hands and say, yes, Jesus. I surrender to You. God bless you. Others of you today say, Yes, I’m surrendering. Would You be the Savior of my life today at all of our churches and online. Type in the comment section. I’m surrendering my life to Jesus. Just type that in there, and then let’s all pray together, wherever you are, pray.
Heavenly Father, take my life. Forgive all of my sins. Jesus, be my savior. The Lord of my life. Help me to know you, to serve you, and to follow you. My life is not my own. I give it all to you. In Jesus' name, I pray.