Craig Groeschel - The Signs You Keep Ignoring
How many of you know a controlling woman? Raise your hand. Do not point, for your own safety. Don’t point, don’t you dare point. Don’t you dare point. All right, let’s have some fun. How many of you know a passive man? Raise your hand. Passive man. Now, if you’re a truly passive man, do not raise your hand. Just sit there and do nothing. Unless, of course, your wife tells you to, then do whatever she tells you to do. Just gonna have some fun. Imagine taking the most controlling woman and the most passive man, putting them together in marriage and giving them a kingdom to run. Congratulations, you have Ahab and Jezebel. Arguably the worst marriage in the entire Bible. We’re gonna look at their story today and we’re gonna discover that Jezebel was very controlling and manipulative and Ahab, he was weak and passive and to be frank with you, their marriage was a disaster. And this is not just a Bible story, but this is a warning.
So we’re gonna look at the warning. And what I wanna do is talk directly to you today and just tell you very sincerely, if you are maybe married and miserable or you’re dating and it’s dysfunctional or maybe you just feel really, really alone, the good news is your love life is not as bad as Ahab and Jezebel. And I wanna give you some better news and that is no matter what your relational status is, God loves you right where you are and has something very special for you at this very moment. And we’re gonna learn to love in a way that honors Him. And to be real clear in this message series, I’m kind of joking at the beginning, but we’re not gonna be bashing women and we’re not gonna be blaming men.
Obviously not all men are passive and not all women are controlling. This is not about stereotypes, but this is about spotting today the warning signs or the red flags in dating and then addressing problems in marriage. I’m calling this message, «The Signs You Keep Ignoring». Let’s pray, God, thank you for every person baptized and for all the people you’re bringing to know you. God, would you draw us close to you, conform us to your image. May your word speak life into all of our relationships that we can love others as you’ve loved us. God bless relationships and marriages and families and future marriages and relationships and families. In the name of your risen son, Jesus, and all God’s people, said, amen.
All right, let’s have some fun today. We’re gonna look at Ahab and if you don’t know much about him, he was the seventh king of the Northern Kingdom of Israel. He started ruling around 874 BC. And Ahab was married to Jezebel who was a Phoenician princess and she was a devout worshiper of the false god Baal. Now, unfortunately, Jezebel influenced Ahab away from worshiping Yahweh, the one true God, and led him to worship the false god Baal. And then Ahab led the people away from worshiping God and they worshiped the false god Baal. And what I wanna do is I wanna show you two verses to help you see just how bad Ahab actually was. The first one we see in 1 Kings chapter 16 that says this, you ready for a bad summary? Ahab did more to provoke the anger of the Lord, the God of Israel, than any of the other kings of Israel before him. That’s a bad review.
Now, who led him to do this? Well, next verse tells us this, 1 Kings 21. No one else so completely sold himself to what was evil in the Lord’s sight as Ahab did, uh-oh, under the influence of his wife, Jezebel. So here we see a passive man, a controlling woman, and their rebellion against God, it didn’t just hurt their marriage, it hurt an entire nation. Now, some of you are gonna say, okay, Craig, I’m interested, but I’m not building a kingdom. I’m just trying to build a normal life. What you may not realize is that most relationships, this one failed, most relationships that fail, they don’t fail all at once. What tends to happen is they generally will suffocate, slowly torn apart, often by control or by neglect. And there’s almost always warning signs early on. The problem is either we don’t see them or we choose to overlook them.
And so what I wanna do is from this story, show you the two dangerous dynamics in relationships. The first one is this, there is a controlling spirit that seeks to dominate, and then there is a passive spirit that refuses to engage. In almost every compromised relationship, you’ll see some combination of a controlling spirit that seeks to dominate or a passive spirit that refuses to engage. We’ll start with the problem of passivity. Now, even before we see Jezebel get like all up into Ahab’s business, he was already avoiding responsibility. You see signs of passivity, and in the Hebrew, it’s translated, he was a big fat baby. I’m gonna show you this in the Bible. There’s a story, and he had a neighbor named Naboth, and Naboth inherited some land that Ahab wanted. The problem is God said, «You’re not allowed to sell land that you inherit from your family, you have to keep it in the family».
And so we’re gonna see what happens when Ahab doesn’t get his way. Here’s the story. One day, 1 Kings 21, one day, Ahab said to Naboth, «Hey, bro, hey, neighbor, since your vineyard is so convenient to my palace, I’d like to buy it to use it as a vegetable garden». But Naboth replied, «Hey, I’m sorry, the Lord forbid that I should give you the inheritance that was passed down by my ancestors».
So what did Ahab do? Ahab went home angry and sullen because of Naboth’s answer, the king went to bed with his face to the wall and refused to eat. I would be tempted to make fun of him if I haven’t done things like that. Big old baby, and that could be me. And when you look at this, this is the king of a nation, and he didn’t negotiate, he didn’t pray for wisdom, he didn’t try to problem solve, he didn’t look for another piece of land, he didn’t like accept it and move on. Instead, the guy throws a royal temper tantrum because he couldn’t grow tomatoes next to his palace, right? Give the man a juice box and a nap. This is passivity at its worst. So if you hope to get married one day and you happen to be dating someone and you see passivity, let it be a warning sign. If it’s ongoing passivity, you wanna avoid it. And if you’re married and you see passivity, you wanna address it.
So let’s start with dating. And I’m gonna ask you just to imagine with me, and this is gonna take a little bit of a stretch to imagine, but imagine that Jezebel’s actually a Christian. She’s not, but imagine that she is. Imagine she’s a young girl, she’s a Christian, and she’s dating Ahab, and she’s very on fire for God. She serves in LifeKids, she’s got a 45-day streak on her YouVersion Bible app, she leads a life group, the girl’s plugged in. She’s dating this guy who claims to be a Christian, but well, he actually lives in his mom’s basement. No big deal, maybe he’s saving money. He never takes her out, like never, ever, ever. He’s exceptional at video games, and he doesn’t even make any money from it, which is a warning sign. He’s not involved. I mean, make some money, it could be a career. He’s not involved at church. He does not have a job. He’s not looking for a job. He’s got no savings, he’s got no drive, he’s got no plan.
And she’s a little bit concerned. Is she being overly picky, or is she seeing a potential problem? You can vote online if you want to, but my crowd’s looking like this might be an issue. But she sees potential, she sees potential. She wants to believe the best. I’m gonna give you three red flags of a passive spirit. You’re dating somebody, you see these things, you might pay attention. The first one is this, they lack direction and they rarely take initiative. They’re not, where are you going in life? Oh, I don’t know. They’re not planning for the future. They don’t have any kind of goals. There’s no kind of dream. They’re not taking you on a date. There’s no sense of any kind of forward movements in their life. They lack direction and rarely take initiative. They avoid hard conversations. Things get difficult and they get quiet. You wanna work things out and they wanna step back.
Third problem, warning sign is this, they defer responsibility and make excuses. Nothing is their fault. They’re always a victim. They’re trying to get it right and no one’s working with them. And they wonder why in the world that life’s not fair to them ever. Three red flags of what might be a passive spirit. Now, some of you are thinking like, oh, Craig, you’re such a boomer. Number one, I’m not a boomer. I’m a Gen X-er, so just call it what it is. But you’re saying you’re being kind of grumpy and critical. Maybe if someone is in a difficult season and they’re passive because it’s a bad week, it’s a bad month, it’s a bad season, that happens to all of us. If it’s just a phase, that’s one thing.
If it’s a pattern, that’s a problem. And you need to hear me. If it’s a pattern, it’s a problem. And here’s why. Psychologists actually tell us that the opposite of love isn’t hate. What is it? The opposite of love is apathy. Because at least hate still cares. I mean, hate has some emotion behind it, but apathy is checked out. Apathy has given up. Apathy has no drive, no pursuit, no momentum, no direction. And the problem is in relationships, a passive heart in dating leads to a passive partner in marriage. And I promise you that you don’t want to be married to someone who’s not moving toward God or moving forward in life. And let me give you an example from the Bible.
When you think of the first sin in the Bible, what was the first sin? Eve ate the forbidden fruit, right? Where was Adam whenever his wife gave into the temptation? Where was he when she gave in? Was he like watching? Was he out hunting? Was he mowing the yard? Was he playing video games? Let me show you where he was. Genesis 3, 6 says, «Eve took some,» she took some of the forbidden fruit and ate it. «She also gave some to her husband,» where was he? Who was with her and he ate it. You could say her sin was rebellion and his sin was passivity. The bro was right there with her. He saw the serpent. He heard the lie and he didn’t do a dang thing about it. Gentlemen, can we talk like man to man for just a moment?
Some of you men, you’ve left the door open to the devil. Satan is attacking your marriage, attacking your kids, and you’re just standing there. And I wanna remind you who you are. You’re not just a man, but you’re called to be a man of God, filled with the very same spirit that raised Christ from the dead. Inside you is the heart of a warrior who steps in and steps up. What are you called to do, gentlemen? Lead your home, pray over your kids, speak life to your wife, take initiative, go out and kill something and drag it home and say, «This is who we are and where we’re going and what we stand for. And we’re in the body of Christ and we are people of God and we serve in our community». And we tell the devil, «As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord». None of that, «He won’t give me my vegetable garden, so I’m gonna go cry».
No, no, no, no. We are not passive. We are faith-filled, spirit-filled, men of God who lead people closer to God. There’s a problem of passivity. It’s not just a male thing, it’s an everybody thing, but I just feel a little more freedom to pick on the men. When I pick on the women, it just goes badly. So I just love this. I’ve been in a gang for a long time, I gotta learn. So there is the problem of passivity. Then on the other side, there’s the relational red flag of controlling and manipulation. And that’s what Jezebel’s known for. And believe me, men can be controlling and manipulative too. But we see Jezebel in this story. And if you remember, poor Ahab, the king of the nation, couldn’t get his garden, so he’s, whining. And Jezebel comes in and she’s encouraging to him. Jezebel, his wife says, «Is this how you act as a king over Israel»?
Now you might say, «Did she really say it like that»? And I’ll say, «Yes, she did». That’s how she said it. You say, «How do you know»? I don’t know, I’ve read the book, I saw it in a movie. I have no first-hand experience whatsoever. I’ve just heard it said this way. «Is this how you act as king over Israel? Get up, you big fat loser and eat, cheer up. If you can’t get it done, I’ll get you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezerite. Is this how you act»? This is too real. I mean, look what she does and look what she doesn’t do. What does she not do? She doesn’t encourage him. She doesn’t say, «Hey, remember God’s faithful. Maybe God’s gonna give us something better». She doesn’t say, «Hey, let’s pray about this together». No, she says, «Is this how you act, you big old loser»?
And let me tell you what he hears. What he hears is, «You’re weak, you’re pathetic, and why did I marry a man like you»? That’s what he hears. And so for everybody who wants to have any type of a relationship that honors God, you need to know that your words will shape your relationship for better or for worse. What you say matters. Scripture says this, that the tongue has what? The power of life and death. Your words will shape your relationship for better or for worse. And so ladies, I’m gonna tell you a little secret about guys and it is that we are more insecure than we let on. And some of you are going like, «That’s no secret, we know it».
Just pretend like you don’t know it, okay? But I mean, we really are. And so the moment you tell him he can’t, he probably won’t. If you don’t believe in him at all, it’s really hard for him to believe in himself. And the reason is, is because he is becoming what you see in him and what you say about him. You speak life into him and he’s becoming more of it. He is becoming what you see in him and say about him. And if I can be just very real for a moment and give honor to Amy, there is no way, I promise you, there is no way that I could do what I do without her voice and her encouragement in my life. There’s no way. I’m gonna tell you, in 2019, the cumulative weight of the pressure just caught up with me.
And I told her it may be too much. First time, I mean, almost 30 years of doing Life.Church, 34 years. And there was one season where I said, I don’t know if I can go on. And Amy looked at me and she didn’t say, is this how a king, is this how a, no, what she said was, I never will forget. She looked at me calmly, lovingly, and with authority. She said, Craig, God created you for this. I believe in you and you can do what God calls you to do. That’s what she said. And I’m like, what? Say it again. Say it again and kiss me hard. Like, you know, like, I mean, you know, and I mean, that’s what she said to me. She’s like, I believe in you and you can do what God calls you to do. What you need to know is that her faith in the moment filled the gap for my lack of faith.
And I am here at this moment, still here today, because the voice closest to me reminded me of who I am in Christ. Thank you. I love you. And you can kiss me however you want. And this goes both ways, right? This goes both ways. If a woman feels valued and cherished and treasured, she’s gonna radiate spiritual strength, right? And there’s this inward beauty that comes out of a woman that’s been protected and nurtured. And the opposite is true as well. If she feels belittled and undervalued and underappreciated, she’ll question her worth. She’ll wonder about her value and she will lose confidence in the woman, becoming the woman that God created her to be. And we see this with Jezebel and Ahab. Jezebel belittles her husband. And essentially she says, since you can’t do it, I’ll do it for you.
And let me show you what she does. If this were a Netflix series, it would be rated mature audience. She writes a letter and commits a felony. She forges his name, like mail fraud, the whole thing. And she plots to murder an innocent man. 1 Kings 21:8 says this. She wrote letters in Ahab’s name. So she’s, you can’t do it. I’ll use ChatGPT to write a letter for you and assign your name to it. And she placed a seal on them and sent them to the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth city with them. In those letters, here’s what she wrote, Proclaim a day of fasting and seat Naboth. You know the guy with the vineyard my husband wants?
Seat Naboth in a prominent place among the people, but seat two scoundrels, like find two criminals. Put two people opposite of Naboth and have them bring charges that he cursed both God and the king. Then take him out and stone him to death. That’s straight up mafia. Type in the comment section, that’s mafia. That is controlling in the worst way possible. There’s passivity and there’s a controlling spirit. Three red flags of a controlling spirit. The first one is this. They use guilt or pressure to control you. Hey, if you were a good wife, you’d do this. If you were a real man, you’d do that. If you really loved me, you’d do this. Hey, if we were really close, you’d do that. Hey, my friend’s husband does this and my friend’s wife. And if you really, really, really cared, you would do this. They use fear or pressure to control you. They make all the decisions and your voice doesn’t matter.
This is what we’re doing. This is where we’re going. This is what we’re buying. This is how we’re spending the money. This is where we’re gonna live. This is what we’re gonna do with the kids. And I don’t care what you say, this is how it’s going to be. And finally, they don’t trust you and they constantly check up on you. Where are you? Where were you? What were you saying? Why were you looking at them? Were you looking on your phone? Who’s that person? What’s going on? I can’t trust you. Why are you doing that? And on and on and on and on. They’re controlling and manipulating. And Jezebel did this. She called for the murder of Naboth, an innocent dude who’s next door, who has land that they want. And some wicked men went out and murdered an innocent man.
And so what’d Jezebel do? She said, «Okay, husband, loser guy, I got it done. I killed the guy, now go get your land». And Ahab was like, «Okay, cool, I’ll go get the land». How do you think God felt about that? God sent a prophet to send a message directly to Ahab. And this is what the prophet said. The prophet said, «This is what the Lord says to Ahab. In the place where dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood, yes, yours». I told you, mature audience on Netflix. That’s kind of gross, right? And it’s also discouraging. And one of the reasons it’s discouraging is because some of you right now, you walked into going, «Okay, we’re gonna talk about dating, we’re gonna talk about marriage, and I’m kind of discouraged right now».
And it kind of raises the question, like what if you’ve been trying to do it all right, and you got no good prospects, and you still feel alone? Or what if you’re in a relationship like theirs, and it’s not working? Or what if you’re dating someone who’s passive, or what if you’re married to someone who’s mean, abusive, and controlling? And you look on and say, «I wanna believe something better is possible, but I don’t know that I believe it». And then you might look and say, «Okay, you know, Craig, I’m glad you and Amy have a really good marriage, but we’re not like that. We don’t have that kind of trust. We don’t have that kind of intimacy. You’re obviously good, and she’s good, and we’re not».
What I wanna tell you right now, and this is hard to say, but I wanna say it right now, is I have a very controlling spirit. Very controlling spirit. And some of you might say, «That doesn’t totally surprise me». Especially my staff members. Like, I can, I have, I have sadly used emotional pressure to help Amy do what I want to be done. I have a controlling spirit. The part that may surprise you is, I also have a problem with passivity. And like, if you look at me like professionally, say, «It doesn’t look like it. You know, you seem pretty driven». And the truth of the matter is, I am very driven in ministry with the church. And especially in the years when the kids were home, sometime I’d leave it all in the field at church, and I’d come home and say, «Hands off». And I’d be very passive toward the kids. She’s like, «Can you help discipline»? Like, «Yeah, stop that, kids. I just wanna relax».
And I could be way, way too controlling at times. And other times, I would just be really, really, really passive. And Amy, on the other hand, there are times when she really wants her way, and there are other times when, like, we still can’t decide where to go eat after a meal. And so we both have these issues. And guess what? So will you. Every single one of you. Every single one of you. You’re gonna have these issues. And so what we have in our marriage, what I want you to know is, like, genuinely good. It is really, really good. But it’s not because I’m good. It’s because God is very, very good. And God has a way of working through broken people to bring them to a place of healing and intimacy.
And that’s why what I want you to see is the biggest problem in this story wasn’t control, and it wasn’t passivity. Those are issues, and they may be issues with you. But the biggest problem in the story wasn’t control and passivity. The biggest problem in this story was the absence of God. The biggest problem in this story is that Ahab turned away from God and turned to a false god, just like many of us. You say, «I’m not worshiping Baal, a false god». Oh, but you’re worshiping money, or things, or status, or popularity, or fun, or entertainment, or pleasure, or sex, or your will, instead of being fully submitted to him. The biggest problem in the story wasn’t he was passive and she was dominant. It was that they were not seeking the one true God.
And so for some of you, I mean, there might be genuine counseling. We need counseling, and we need healing, and you gotta do hard work. Yes, yes, yes, and yes, please hear me. Yes, there’s a lot of work to be done. But where do we start? We start with turning our hearts toward him. Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and then all these things will be added unto you. Seek first the kingdom of God. More on this next week when I show you my favorite couple in the Bible and talk about the most important and most under-discussed quality of the marriages that honor God. For some of you, step number one is turn your hearts back to God. Not just go to church. Congratulations, you’re here. Not just watch a video online. Congratulations, that’s pretty good. We’re talking about turn your heart to him. Like we’re not a couple that calls ourselves Christian. We are a relationship that puts him first.
Now, Ahab turned away from God to his credit. When he heard what the prophet said, it broke his heart. And let me show you what he did. When Ahab heard that bad prophecy, he heard these words. He tore his clothes and he put on sackcloth and fasted. He lay in sackcloth and he went around meekly, tearing your clothes and wearing sackcloth. That is a sign of repentance. That’s him saying publicly, «I am the king and before everybody, I sinned against God».
That’s what he’s saying. And he’s repenting. He’s turning from his sin and he’s turning toward God. And here’s what’s cool. His repentance couldn’t change his past, but it did change his future. God actually had mercy on him because of his repentance in the same way God will have mercy on you and maybe save your marriage if you repent. Here’s what you’re gonna be tempted to do. You’re gonna be tempted to hear this and go, «Your fault». And what I wanna do is I wanna tell you this very lovingly, is no matter how bad your relationship is, no matter how broken it may be, there is always a way back to God. And with God, all things are possible. There’s always a way back to God. So instead of pointing the finger, you’re controlling, you’re passive, you’re the problem, let’s do this. Let’s point our heart back toward God because there’s always a way back to God. And with God, all things are possible.
So Father, we thank you for your love. We thank you for your presence. And we pray that your love, your presence, your spirit, and your Word would change us to become more like your son, Jesus.
Today as you’re praying, maybe watching online or at all of our different Life.Church locations, no matter what your relational status is, like you may be just really happy and single, glad about it, or you might be dating and struggling, or moving toward marriage, or you’re married and it’s good, or married and it’s not so good, maybe you’re divorced, maybe you’re widowed, no matter what it is, if you recognize that you genuinely need to, want to, have to, ready to turn your heart more toward God, I wanna pray that as you draw near to Him, He’ll draw near to you today at all of our churches.
If you recognize, yeah, I do, I need more of Him. I need more of Him. I need more of Him. I’m not gonna point the finger anywhere else. I’m gonna turn my heart toward Him. I need more of God. If that’s you, would you lift up your hands right now? All over the place, lift up your, I kind of hope it’s everybody, because I don’t know about you, but I need more of Him. In the comment section, you can just type in the comments, I need more of God, I need more of the presence of God.
And Father, we do, in this broken and dark, confusing and hurting, sin-filled world, we need your help, and your strength, and your power, and your grace, and your mercy, God. We need your Holy Spirit, God. We need help to forgive what feels unforgivable, we need help loving when we don’t feel like loving, God. We need endurance to not give up. God, we pray that you would work in us. God, forgive us. Forgive me, God, for where I’m passive. Forgive me, God, for where I’m controlling.
If there’s an issue in you, and you just wanna say it right now, you can say it quietly. You can ask God for forgiveness. You can say it in your head, so the person next to you, doesn’t matter, just say it to God.
God, forgive me for being a jerk. God, forgive me for not caring. Whatever it is, just repent. We’re just ripping those clothes, we’re putting on the sackcloth, we’re saying, God, I’m sorry. God, forgive me. Help me, help us, God, to love like Jesus, to show your love as you’ve loved us. God, we pray for strength in relationships, not just marriages, for friendships, God, for deep, strong life groups that honor you, for community in the body of Christ, that together we’re unified to glorify you in all that we do.
As you keep praying today, some of you, very honestly, you’re gonna realize like Ahab, he turned to a false God, and maybe you’ve done that, like you’re pursuing things that do not last. You’re not serving God, and you recognize that you don’t know him. Let me just remind you who God is and how good he is. Scripture says, «For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, Jesus, that whoever believes in him wouldn’t perish, but have eternal life». Who is Jesus? He is the Son of God, perfect in every way, who died on a cross so that we could be forgiven.
Scripture tells us if you confess your sins, God is faithful and just to forgive all of your sins and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. So what do we do? We seek Jesus, we seek Jesus, we seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and then everything else will be added unto us. Today, some of you are gonna recognize you really need him. So we’re gonna step away from our sin, and we’re gonna give our lives to Jesus. Ahab tore his clothes, Ahab wore sackcloth. Hey, today we got baptized. It is a modern day picture to say, my past is gone, buried, forgiven, and I’m raised to walk in the newness of life.
Today at all of our churches, there are those of you, it’s time to step away from your sin and to wholly and truly give your life to Jesus. When you call unto him, he’ll hear your prayer, forgive your sins. You’ll never be the same. At all of our churches and online, those who say, I need that, I’m ready, not playing. Today, I give my life to Jesus. I step away from my sin. I surrender my life. Jesus, be first. I give you my life. That’s your prayer. Lift your hands high right now. All of the place say yes. Back here, God bless you. Others today say, that’s my prayer. Right back over there, praise God for you. Over here. Oh, yes, come on church. You’ve got some glory. Others say, yes, Jesus, I surrender. Be the Lord of my life. I put you first and ask you to save me. Online, you can type in the comment section, I’m surrendering my life to Jesus and we’re gonna pray together wherever you are. Pray:
Heavenly Father, I step away from my sins. Please forgive my sins. Jesus, save me. I put you first. Be my Lord. And fill me with your Spirit so I could serve you and love like you. Thank you for new life. I give you all of mine. In Jesus' name I pray.