Andy Stanley - How Winning is Costing You Relationships
This is the interesting thing about all conflict is we want exactly what the person we're having the conflict with wants. We actually, both parties want the very same thing. Both parties want to be heard, right? I wanna be heard, and more than heard, I wanna be understood, right? I want you to be quick to listen to me, and I want you to be slow to speak, but you want me to be quick to listen and slow to speak because you wanna be heard and understood. I wanna be heard and understood. It's, it's like we're saying, look, we may not ever agree, but you've gotta listen to me.
We might not ever agree on how to parent. We may never agree on this decision at work. We may never agree on what I should major in. We shouldn't, may never agree on whether he's right for me or she's right for me. We may never agree, but come on, at least listen to me. And if you have to say something, if you're gonna interrupt, if you, if you have to interject, if you have to, you say something, then say something that, that lets me know. You heard me, even if it's a grunt, even if it's an aha or an awe. I mean, just if sound is going to come out of your mouth, I don't want you to argue with me. I want to know that you've heard me after all.
See, I, I, I can't really hear you till I feel like you've heard me and you can't really hear me until you feel like, to some extent I've heard you. Right? So if you grew up in church, you may recognize that I didn't make this up. I actually stole this. I plagiarized this from a very famous person. His name is James. And James had an even more famous brother who is named, was Jesus James, the brother of Jesus again. Can you even imagine growing up with Jesus as your big brother? But he did.
And James, this is cool, as he, he doesn't show up in the story of Jesus. He shows up after the story of Jesus, because James thought his brother was crazy. Of course he did. I mean, if your brother claimed to be the son of God, you're like Uhuh. You're not the son of God. I mean, you're, you're the son of Joseph, but you're not the son. So anyway, after the resurrection, because that's pretty convincing. When you stand with your mother and you watch your brother crucified, and then a few days later you have breakfast with him on the beach, you're convinced, it's like, okay, I don't, I can't explain it.
So here's what he says, my dear brothers and sisters, take note. That is sit up straight and if you're taking notes, take note of this. We're like, all right, James, what you got? He says, everyone, so who are you talking to? Everyone, everyone. And here's our line. Everyone should be quick to listen, which doesn't make any sense. How do you listen quickly? I mean, you hear, but how do you speed up your hearing? And the reason he uses two words that really don't go together is because he's trying to make a very important point. That's what communicators do, right?
So here's his point, your first priority, number one thing in sequence, the most important thing relationally you can do. Be quick to listen, listen quickly. Make it first quickly before you do anything else. Listen, which is, let's be honest, exactly what we want other people to do for us, right? So essentially, James is saying, this is just more of that thing that Jesus taught you, you are to do for others as your father through Christ has done for you. You're to do for others what you want others to do for you. You want others to listen to you. Yeah, you wanna be understood. Yeah. Then be quick to listen.
And then here's our other statement. And slow to speak. Literally, the idea is be late when it comes to your words. Wait and be late. And I would add to it. And, and if you have to say something, be curious. Be curious. Ask a question. When the person that you're having conflict with is just going on and on and on and on, and you gotta say something, be curious, ask a question. You say, well, if I ask a question, they're just gonna keep on talking. That's gonna send them down another rabbit trail. It's just gonna go on and on and on and on. Well, I would say this to you, okay? Ask three questions. Just keep providing more rabbit trails and more on-ramps to them talking. Why? Because you, your responsibility, your responsibility is to be quick to listen and slow to speak.
And the longer they speak, the quicker you are to listen. And the quicker you are to listen, the quicker I am to listen, the more I learn. Now, if you're a parent or ever want to be a parent, and those of you who are parents, my our kids are on their twenties, so I've been through all the different seasons. I'm telling you my worst parenting moments, my worst parenting moments when I was, when I was quick to speak and slow to listen. And all of you with any kind of authority, you, you're tempted to do this, where it's like, okay, I've got the wisdom bucket, you know, and I've got the experience bucket, and I've got the age bucket, and I've got the insight bucket. And you don't even have frontal lobe development yet.
So, so you stop talking now, and I'm gonna pour all my wisdom and all my experience. Hey, where are you going? Hey, why won't my kids talk to me? Why don't they want to hang out with me? Is because you are driving them away. Now, parents, you need to know this, husbands, you need to know this. Wives, you need to know this. You can write the person you love right out the door. You can write the person you love most, right? Outta the relationship. You can write your all star rockstar employee right out of the company. You can be right and right and right, and right and right. And you will write them right out of the relationship. Because I wanna be understood.
I don't wanna be lectured. And I'm willing to be open to your ideas. If I think for a moment you may par even partially understand what it is I'm trying to communicate to you. So we know this is important. We've been on both sides. I mean, you've seen your kids' eyes just glaze over and you walk away from the conversation going, I don't understand. I know I'm right. I know I'm giving them good advice. I know I'm giving them, you know, wise counsel. Why is it that we just can't communicate? And James would say, you idiot, because you're not quick to listen, you quick to speak. You wanna enhance the relationship, quick to listen, slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to speak.
Now, if you do that, if you get those two ideas, then what he says, next comes easy. Here's what he says next. Everybody needs to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Now, slow to become angry is both a result and a decision. If you are quick to listen and slow to speak, you are less likely to be angry. And it is easier to guard against your anger if you've decided upfront. I'm gonna ask questions, and I'm going to be curious, now, anger in this context. And we all express anger differently, right? I mean, some of you blow up, you just kind of, you just gotta let loose. You're like a volcano.
Others of us, we just get in a bad mood. That's me. I just kind of go inward and get in a bad mood and, you know, just, you know, sulk around and try to get Sandra to say, what's wrong? What's wrong? So I can say nothing, nothing. That's how I get in control. Nothing's wrong. She's like, oh, I know something's wrong. Like nothing's wrong. You know, that's how I get in control. We all, we all go one way or the other. We blow up or we go inside. But the point is, he's saying, look, that, that's so bad for your relationships.
And one of the ways to bypass blowing up or just becoming passive aggressive or just being soy moody and trying to get in control that way, he says, is, you've gotta understand where the other person is coming from. Quick to listen, slow to speak, but anger in the context of what he's talking about is really more anger like this. It's drawing hasty, misinformed, relationally destructive conclusions that is jumping to hastily and misinformed and relationally destructive conclusion. So here's his, his formula. It's, it's kind of a formula. The longer you listen, the more you'll learn, the less angry you'll be. The longer you listen, the more you'll learn, the less angry you'll become.
Now here's why this works. Everything, everything, everything that everyone does makes sense to them. That is deep. Isn't that deep? I got like a groan down here on the front. Like, whoa. Yeah, everything this is, this is, this is worth getting up. Listening to, you know, everything that everyone does makes perfect sense to them. It gets worse. Everything that everyone says makes sense to them as well. When you hear yourself saying, or when you catch yourself thinking, I don't know why they would do that. I don't know why they would say that. I don't know why they would believe that. Who needs an education? I'll give you a heck. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why anybody would do that.
Well, who has the problem? Well, I don't know. Well, I think maybe you need to have some learning to do. Oh, I'd just rather be critical. Can you believe that? Why would anybody do that? Why would anybody believe that? Why would anybody say that? Well, guess what? Newsflash, they all have perfectly good reasons for what they do, what they say, what they believe. Just like you have a perfectly good reason. Everything everybody does makes perfect sense to them.
Now, some of you from my generation, you may have grown up and read on Stephen Covey's book, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Or you may be in your twenties and have read it. It's such a fabulous book. It's just, it's so principle centered. But the fifth Habit of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey basically says the same thing. Here's the way he says it. I thought this might be helpful. He says this, seek first to understand, then to be understood. Then, ah, there it is.
Seek first to understand. That means I have to ask questions. It means I need to listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. And then only when I understand, do I seek to be understood the way I try to do this. And I don't get this perfect. And I, and again, I, as a parent, I just so struggled with this. I decided I'm not gonna criticize anything I don't understand. I'm not gonna criticize any idea. I don't understand. And I'm not gonna critic criticize anybody if I don't know their story.
And once I decided that I became a better learner of people and a better understander of ideas. Because if somebody holds an idea of persuasion or opinion, it makes sense to them. And if it doesn't make sense to me, who am I to criticize something I don't even under stand? And the thing is, when we're in conversation, when we're in conflict, when we're just listening to reply, rather than understand, we don't learn anything. And if you're not learning anything, it's gonna be hard to make the relationship any better.
Because you know this, we all have a frame of reference. We all have a frame, we all have a filter. And every word you speak to me comes right through my filter, my age, where I went to school, how I was brought up everything, all my filter. And I hear your words through my filter. And chances are I'm not gonna understand you correctly. So I am a fool to judge you, and I'm a fool to criticize you until I understand you, which requires more listening than speaking. Quick to listen, quick to listen, quick to listen, quick to listen, quick to listen. Slow speak.