Steven Furtick - How to See Beyond Our Shame (04/03/2017)
This sermon uses a personal story of losing his temper over Christmas trash to explore the difference between godly conviction and destructive shame. He introduces the "three Ps of shame"—Personal, Permanent, Pervasive—contrasting the Accuser's voice that condemns identity with the Advocate's (Holy Spirit) voice that calls for change through grace, just as Jesus restored Peter after his denial.
Crashing the Chatterbox: The Voice of Shame vs. The Voice of Grace
A couple Christmases ago... let me tell you a little bit about Christmas for our family. Christmas for our family is a little bit different than just your average Christmas because here at the church we do like 17,964 worship experiences over three and a half days. And by the time you preach that many times and our volunteers that serve that many times and our staff that work that hard, by the time Christmas Day comes around, we're not usually feeling real jolly, you know, or merry. We're happy because God does great things.
But even though we've seen thousands of people give their lives to Christ, I can only speak for myself and say, by the time you've spent yourself that way and just emptied yourself spiritually, there's a sense in which you almost feel down, even though spiritually you're up, but just physically and emotionally you're down because there's no way to give that much of yourself and just recover right away. So Christmas at our house is, again, a little bit different. Holly does a great job of making sure the kids have a great time. And I have all these great Christmas memories from my childhood with the way that Christmas was for me.
But I'm doing good on Christmas just to get through without, you know, without freaking out. Because, again, the pressure of preaching that many times is just kind of crazy. And so me and Holly have kind of learned how to get through this thing. She lets me stare at the walls on Christmas Day, and she makes sure all the presents are wrapped, and the family comes in and all of this. But we usually have a rule is that we don't travel until about, you know, 48, 72 hours at least after Christmas, because that's a recovery period for me to kind of start feeling sane again, lest I get around some cousin or distant relative or somebody like that, and they say something, and then I do something, you know, because things can happen on Christmas.
And so you kind of get exposed to people that you don't otherwise voluntarily enter. Anyway, so we usually stay home. But a couple Christmases ago, we kind of violated our own rule, and we decided to go to see her parents the day after Christmas. And so we were like, we were feeling brave, so we were like, we're just going to go on to, and I love Holly's family, and they love me and all this, so we think it'll be fine. But we did make one arrangement that she would go ahead of me, and she would take Elijah and Abby, because they are the two most noticeable of our children.
And Graham, our middle child, he's more like a pet. He's like a lap dog or something, and you can just kind of hang out with him and rub his head, and he's cool. So I said, Holly, you go ahead to your parents' house. You drive ahead. It's only a couple of hours, and I'll bring Graham. You go ahead with Elijah and Abby. I'll bring Graham later. And I knew I just needed a little bit more time. So I went upstairs with Graham, and we exercised. We did P90X, chest and back, and he did a modified version. And once I was exercising a little while, I started feeling the serotonin flow a little bit, and I was getting a little cheerful, and I was like, okay, I'm ready to go now.
When the Trash (and Temper) Blows Up
And so I knew I was ready to go because I had started singing. I was singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing, the old Christmas hymn, and Graham stopped to ask me, who's Harold? And so I explained to him about Hark the Herald Angels Sing. And so we threw the bags in the car, and I'm going to tell you this story. I put it in the book, and several of my friends said, are you sure you want to put that in your book because it makes you sound really bad? But I realized that it's okay if a story makes me sound bad if it helps you to feel better about your own struggles. And I'm so sick of preachers who never ever expose any of their own flaws. And I don't really want to be that.
So I appreciate it, but you might not want to clap until you hear what I tell you the rest of this. And so we're pulling out of the driveway, and I'm feeling pretty good now, but I know I'm still on edge. And I noticed something kind of out of the ordinary that there are boxes blowing all across my yard. It's pretty cold, rainy, windy outside. And there are boxes blowing all over the yard, as well as soda cans and wrapping paper. And I realized what Holly had done. In an effort to be helpful, in an effort to be proactive, she had taken all of the trash out before she left and put it by the curb because we weren't going to be back in time for the trash collection.
And she wanted to make sure we didn't come home to a house full of trash. And so she had taken it all out, but what she had forgotten to do was check the weather forecast. Because the weather forecast would have clearly told her that there were high winds coming in and storm weather just about an hour after she left, and that it wouldn't be a good idea to stack boxes at the curb when there are strong winds in the forecast an hour from now. And so since she hadn't checked the weather forecast, and I know she meant well, God bless her, but in an effort to be helpful, she had exposed all of our trash. Now this is Christmas trash. You know how Christmas trash is. Christmas trash, yeah.
So every piece of trash that in the history of our household is now being blown across the yard. So all of a sudden, my Christmas spirit left me, and I turned into something else. And I said, Graham, get out. We got to get these boxes. So me and Graham, we get out the car, and he's helping the best he can. We're trying to get the boxes in the garage. But as soon as we can get one piece of trash in the garage, and I'm thinking some pretty bad things at this point about Holly, and I'm putting the boxes. I am. I'm not going to lie to you. And I'm putting the boxes in the garage.
But the moment I get one box in the garage, because the wind's still blowing like crazy, and it's rainy, and it's cold. And the moment we get one box in the garage, here comes two more boxes that have spilled open. So I had an idea. I thought, I got to do something to put a lid on this. And I saw one really big box, and I thought, oh, here's what I'll do. I'll take that box, and I'll turn it over. But what I didn't know is that the box wasn't empty, because I was going to take the empty box, and I was going to put that box on top of the other trash. But when I turned the box over that I thought was empty, I discovered it was full of packing peanuts.
Now, have you ever seen the interaction between packing peanuts and strong wind? So now all of a sudden... Now all of a sudden, do you feel my pain? All of a sudden, I realized this is way beyond our control. And I heard myself screaming this. I really, I'm ashamed to tell you, but I heard myself screaming at the top of my lungs. "How could she be so stupid?" And then I heard an echo back from Graham, who was standing next to me. "Yeah! How could she be so stupid?" Please don't look at me, churchy. I'll come right out there and ask your wife some stuff about you. And then I thought, crap, he wasn't supposed to hear that.
And I'm standing there, and the packing peanuts are all flying around like some kind of demonic snowstorm. Some apocalypse of packing peanut hell falling down on my head. And, you know, I wish, I wish, I wish that I would have had the presence of mind in that moment to be like, let me make a beautiful moment out of this, you know? Because it could have been kind of cool, you know? Like a white Christmas of a different kind, you know what I'm saying? Like, well, isn't this wonderful? I wish I would have, you know, pulled out my phone and taken a picture of Graham and hashtagged it. You know, daddy's little helper. Instagram. Get it? Insta. You like it? Instead, I find myself all of a sudden, I'm dialing Holly's number, and I'm not even really thinking.
But, but the next thing I know, I hear myself just screaming at my wife on the phone. And the packing peanuts are still blowing everywhere. And the trash is now blowing not only in my yard, but that neighbor's yard and that neighbor's yard. And I'm surrounded by all of this. And I'm screaming in the phone. Guess what I'm doing? And then I heard myself saying these words. I wasn't saying them to her. I was screaming them at her, but like that's any better. And I'm saying these words a lot stronger than shoot. And I don't do this. This is not a part of our marriage, understand? This is not something that's a regular pattern in my marriage. But it's just crazy how I went from two days ago, I'm standing behind this pulpit preaching, telling people about God's love, to standing in the middle of some packing peanuts, yelling at my wife on the phone, only to look down and see that Graham is standing there again, listening to the whole thing.
The Chatterbox: Accusation vs. Conviction
And that's the moment where the accuser will mount you and pound you to death. Because, see, in that moment, here's the kind of thoughts I'm hearing. And these thoughts are flying around as fast as the packing peanuts. You know, just as the packing peanuts. I just want you to get a picture. As the packing peanuts are blowing all around the yard, here come all these thoughts, all these accusations. And they're flying so fast. I'm holding the phone, and I'm looking at my yard. And I know you've never had a situation like this before, but just work with me. Pretend like I'm not the only one who gets dysfunctional.
I'm looking. And I'm not really mad at Holly. I'm really mad at me that I allowed this to make me so mad. But the madder I am at me, the more I need to act like I'm mad at her. Because I can't really admit that it's me that I'm mad at. So I'm yelling, and I've stopped yelling, and there's Graham, and there's the boxes. And how did this happen? And just 30 minutes ago, we were working out with Tony Horton and singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing. And now I'm standing in the middle of Mount Trashmore, right in my own front yard. And what's wrong with me? Why do I always do this? My dad did this. You're just like your dad. You're no better than him. You're screwing up your kids. You screwed up Christmas. Way to go. You screwed up Christmas. Some kind of preacher, you are... It's flying. It's flying.
I don't know if you've ever had these thoughts fly. And just when they start flying, you can start trying to make them stop. But no matter how much you try, there's some over here and some over there. And then those thoughts make thoughts. And those thoughts make thoughts. And now you're mad. So I did the only reasonable thing I could think of. I took the phone and I slung it across the yard. In one final demonstration of manhood. I didn't even hang it up before I threw it. I just threw it across the yard. And then I went and picked it up. I was mad, but I wasn't that mad to leave my iPhone in the yard. And I said, come on, Graham. We just got to go. And we spent 30 minutes. We got the trash as good as we could get it. And I said, they just have to kick me out of the homeowners association. That's the best I could do.
Now, I'm telling you this lengthy story on purpose. Because I got in the car and I decided I'm going to go ahead and drive on to Holly's parents' house. And what I really needed to do was pray. But how many know that the moments where you need to pray the most in your life are usually the moments where you feel worthy to pray the least. And I know I probably need to listen to some worship music to get my mind right. But I didn't feel like worship music. I felt like Metallica or, you know, Megadeth. And as I'm driving down the road, listening to this soundtrack of shame, I realize that I have a decision to make in this moment.
Now, I told you a story about my trash. You got your own trash, too. And some of you struggle, like me, with your temper. And it's a very outward thing. Some of you struggle with being manipulative in ways that don't necessarily pitch a fit, but they cause chaos to everybody around you. And I'm going down the road. And all of a sudden, I'm not just convicted about what I've done. I'm starting to believe lies about who I am. Now, conviction is one of God's greatest gifts that he gives his children. Conviction comes from God's Spirit. Conviction is when God will speak to you. And it doesn't always come when you're in church. And it doesn't always come when you're reading the Bible. Sometimes it comes through another person. Sometimes it comes through an impression.
But conviction is that very special touch of God where he puts his finger on an area in your life and says, I want us to change this together. Conviction is that place where God doesn't only show you what needs to change, but he gives you the grace and the power to begin to change. That's conviction. Conviction is that place where God doesn't always show you what needs to change. That's the advocate. But the accuser... The accuser shows you the area of your life where you need to change while simultaneously convincing you that change is absolutely impossible. And I'm driving on the road, and I've got a decision to make. Am I going to listen to the accuser.
The accuser is telling me, You're a horrible dad. Your kid is going to end up on a therapist's couch. You've just ruined Graham's future. Your wife hates you. She doesn't even want to see you. What kind of man are you? This is the accuser. The advocate, he's speaking to me about the same issue. What in the world was that? Let's talk about that. Let's look at that. Let's see what caused that. Boy, you really need to apologize to your wife when you see her. But before you do, I want to work with you through this issue. Where did that go wrong? See, that's the advocate defending me. But the accuser comes to destroy me. And they both sound so similar. It's hard to tell the difference.
The Three P's of Shame
I have this friend named Henry Cloud. He's a Christian psychologist. And he did a seminar here at the church for business leaders. And he was talking about negative thinking. And he said, The way you can know when your thoughts have become destructive and negative, and the feedback that you're giving yourself has become shame-based, he said there's three Ps of negative thinking. And I want to call them the three Ps of shame for our sermon here today. Put them on the screen, please. He said that negative thinking... Here's how you can know when the enemy is affecting your thinking rather than God. He says that negative thinking and shame is always, Number one, personal. Permanent. Number two. And pervasive. Pervasive means it spreads to every area of your life. He said that negative thinking is always personal, permanent, and pervasive. And I think he's right. I think he's right.
Shame doesn't say you made a bad decision. Shame says you're a horrible person. Shame says not only did you lose your temper, but shame says you're completely out of control. Shame takes what you did and tries to tell you that's who you are, makes it makes it personal. Oh, I got to tell you one story about Elijah since I told you one about Graham. So last summer when I was writing Crash the Chatterbox, we were on family vacation and I noticed Holly had taken out this cornhole board that my mom had let us borrow. And the next thing I noticed from across the yard, I'm sitting over there working on the book and from, and I'm writing about this, the three Ps of I'm taking this thing about the three Ps and I'm writing about it.
And I noticed across the yard, Elijah has decided that rather than play cornhole, he's going to jump up and down on the cornhole board like it's a trampoline. And then I noticed the cornhole board broken in half. And then I noticed Holly having a conversation with Elijah, a very intimate conversation about his decision because we've been trying to teach him not to break stuff and not to have such a rambunctious personal disregard for all property and humanity. And, and so Elijah is, has melted down. And I, it's one of those parenting moments where I don't know if you ever do this. I'm trying to decide, do I pretend like I don't see this happening so I don't have to get involved in it or should I engage it?
And I decided I'm going to, I'm going to go over there and help because Elijah is just all tore up about it. When I got over to him, he says this and I don't know if he was just turning up the drama because he knew he was in trouble and he thought if he could turn up the drama that we would back off a little bit or what he was doing. He's a pretty smart kid, but I heard him say this. And he said, he said this, these exact words, he said, "what's wrong with me? I always mess up everything." And so I was like, you know, nobody, you don't always mess up everything. But then I walked away because I had to go write that down because I had to go put it down because it fit perfect in my chapter.
No, I want you to think about it with me from, from the lips of an eight-year-old, he just outlined the three P's of shame. Let's take it apart. Let's exegete those two sentences. Number one, "what's wrong with me?" Personal. It's not about what you did anymore. It's about who you are. What's wrong with me? Not why did I jump up and down on the cornhole board, even though I've been in... What's wrong? There is something fundamentally flawed about my character. Not, I need to calm down a little bit. I'm a little too wild. What's wrong? I thought about titling this sermon, What's Wrong With Me? Because that's what shame does inside your psyche. It doesn't just say you did wrong. It says you are wrong.
It doesn't just say you messed up. It says you are messed up. It doesn't just say that you blew at that time. It says You blew it that time, so there is something wrong with you that cannot be made right. What's wrong with me? It's personal. But then it's also permanent. Watch this. "I always..." I always... I'm only eight years old, but I always... You see it? I always mess up... This is permanent, and it's pervasive. "I mess up everything." That's what I'm doing, standing in the yard, driving down the road, thinking about those packing peanuts. It's not just you need to tell your wife you're sorry and work on this issue. Now it's, and you call yourself a man of God? Who do you think you are? It's personal. And it's permanent. Just like your dad yelled at your mom, now you're repeating the same cycle. You suck.
The Rooster's Crow and the Spirit's Voice
You hear the rooster? Oh, you thought I forgot about Peter? No, no, we started this sermon talking about Peter. How the moment he denied Jesus the third time and his failure was complete. The rooster crowed. That's interesting to me, that the rooster crowed, because you've got to realize that now every morning that Peter wakes up for the rest of his life, he's going to have a reminder of this moment, this failure. Every morning he wakes up to the crow of the rooster, and every time he hears the rooster crow, he's transported back to this place, where he's standing at a distance, denying that he even knows Jesus. Jesus, I wonder what roosters are crowing in your mind today.
I wonder what reminders are shaming you, something you did, a marriage that you ruined, a relationship that you screwed up. I wonder what images are in your mind of the times. Now, I'm not just talking about the big catastrophic stuff either. I'm talking about what packing peanuts you've been standing in the middle. I wonder what things that the enemy is trying to personalize, and make permanent and pervasive to convince you by the crow of the rooster. See, that's how the devil operates. That's what the accuser does. He will crow in your face. The moment that you come awake in the morning, it's... My rooster's getting kind of weak. I've done it a couple times now. You have to bear with me.
But it's a sound. It's an impression. It's a sensation. It's a feeling that you can't shake. There's somebody here today who has been walking in the shadows of shame. Just driving along to the soundtrack of shame. And I'm driving down the road. And I'm driving down the road thinking about what I did. And I'm wondering, How in the world am I going to face my wife and her family after I just acted like a complete idiot? After I just acted like a complete child? And I'm thinking about God. I'm thinking about how, God, I don't deserve your love. And you know what God said to me in that car? He said, You don't deserve it. You don't deserve it. But that doesn't mean you're not worthy of it. You don't deserve it. But I made you worthy of it.
And God help us because in our churches, we've tried to change people by making them feel ashamed about what they did. And so much of what we've called Christianity is really just shame-based behavior modification. But shame can't change you. Not for long. Only grace can do that. Only grace can do that. The rooster can only remind you of your sin. But you know what the Spirit can do? You know what the advocate can do? You know what God can do if you'll open your eyes and open your ears? Just like Jesus looked at Peter. Just like Jesus restored Peter. I believe that grace wants to look you in the eyes today and say, you're not loved because you deserve it. You're loved because I made you worthy.