Rick Warren - How to Help a Friend in Deep Pain
- Watch
- Donate
Summary
In this message, Rick Warren draws from recent tragedies like mass shootings and personal losses to emphasize that God expects believers to comfort others in grief using the comfort we’ve received from Him, based on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. He teaches the priceless value of tears as God’s gift, a mark of humanity and love, and urges us to weep with those who weep rather than suppress emotions. Ultimately, he reminds us that all tears are temporary, as God promises in Revelation to one day wipe away every tear forever.
Welcome and Recent Tragedies
Hello everybody, and welcome to Saddleback this weekend. We’re glad you’re here. First, I want to say thank you for your prayers for my health, as I’ve been struggling. As you know, I’ve been going to some doctors to figure out what’s causing all the pain in my body. Thank you for your prayers. I also want to say hi to all of our campuses—all 20 of you! We love you guys and thank God for you. If you’ll take out your message notes today, I have a special message that I’d like to share with all of you.
In the past 14 days, our nation has been reeling with shock, anger, and grief. First, in Buffalo, New York, in a supermarket, 10 black people died in a racist shooting. Then, right down the street from us, the next day, at this Lake Forest Saddleback campus, a sister church on the same El Toro Road, six elderly Asian people were shot to death during a church service—just right down the street from this campus where I’m teaching right now. Then, this week in Uvalde, Texas, an elementary school shooting has resulted in the deaths of 19 children and two adults so far.
Personal Grief and God’s Expectation
This week, I posted these words to millions of social media followers: As a parent who’s lost one of my own children to gun violence, I beg you to pray for the grieving parents of Uvalde. You might quickly forget this horror that’s going on right now, and you may move on with your life, but they’ll have to carry this grief for the rest of their lives. So please don’t forget them.
Now, besides these shootings, 6.3 million people have died from COVID, leaving millions and millions of relatives and friends grieving their losses. What are you supposed to do about all this grief in the world? As I was driving to this campus to deliver this message today, I happened to call one of the guys on my team and found out that his family just experienced a death today. If you’re a Christian, God expects you to help others in their pain and grief. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 1:3–4, «God comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort others in their troubles with the same comfort we ourselves have received from God.» So God helps us in our problems and grief so we can help other people with their problems and grief using the comfort we’ve received.
In light of all the things we have to grieve about in the world today, the question I want to look at this weekend is this: How do we do that? How can you help those in your life, help a friend who is in deep need, in pain, or in grief? Do you know what to do? Are you prepared to help your friends when they go through the inevitable grief of life?
Inevitable Loss and Personal Losses
I’m not a prophet, and I can’t predict the future, but there’s one thing I can guarantee about your future, and I’m sure of this: You and everyone else around you are going to experience loss, sadness, and grief because we live on a planet broken by sin. Death is inevitable in this world, and I don’t like saying this to you, but you’re going to lose loved ones, and everyone else you know will also lose loved ones too. Denying that fact or ignoring it is losing touch with reality.
Personally, I’ve done a lot of grieving lately, and I’ve shed a lot of tears this past year, having lost six of my best friends. They all died in the last year: Glenn, Crewin, Rick, Machow, John Baker, and Steve Ruttenbar were all elders who served with me as pastors of this church—combined for over a hundred years of service to Saddleback. They were lifelong friends, and I miss them and have grieved their deaths. Then this past week, I spoke at the funerals of two more of my best friends, Joe Richie and Pep Jackson. One funeral was in Chicago, and the other was in Colorado Springs. These were great brothers in Christ who served Saddleback Church for many years.
You may remember that a year ago, I predicted that the world would experience a tsunami of grief this year. I said that as the fear of COVID declines, the grief over what people lost during COVID would increase because many life experiences were missed during COVID. People missed weddings, graduations they didn’t get to attend, and being there when babies or grandbabies were born—many other happy experiences. You may not have lost a friend during COVID, but you lost many experiences in life. Kids missed going to school—so many things.
The Skill of Comforting Friends
Today, I want to talk to you about dealing with the losses of life. I want you to take out your message notes and the outline because I want to teach you a very important skill you’ll use for the rest of your life. I hope you’ll take notes today. I want to talk to you about how to help a friend in deep pain when you don’t know what to say. People tell me, «I don’t know what to say.» Okay, we’re going to talk about that. This is a skill you’ll need for the rest of your life, so I highly recommend taking notes because you’re going to need this many times in life.
Now, notice there on your outline the first verse: Proverbs 17:17 (Amplified Translation) says, «A friend loves you at all times and is born for adversity.» Circle that—born for adversity. True friendship shows up best during troubled times. A friend is born for those times when you’re in crisis—when you’re in the pits, in grief, or when you’ve hit a major loss. A friend walks into your life when everybody else walks out. A friend sees you through when other people think you’re through.
So let me ask you a pointed question: Who can count on you as a friend right now? They know for certain you’ll walk into their lives when everybody else walks out. You see, if you only show up during happy times, you’re not a real friend—you’re just an acquaintance. Real friends help carry your grief when you’re overwhelmed. Real friends show up in bad times, not just good times. Romans 12:15 says this, «Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy and share tears when they’re down.» Circle that—share tears. God says that one proof that you’re a true friend is that you share tears when your friend is in pain or you’re grieving. Tears are a mark of friendship.
The Value of Tears
Now let’s just be honest. This may be easier for you women, but let me ask the men: When was the last time you shed tears with a male buddy? Have you ever been the kind of friend who would cry with someone? If not, God says you’re not really a very good friend. Today, I want to teach you a skill you didn’t learn in school. You probably didn’t learn it from your parents; they probably told you to stuff your tears, not to cry. But if you learn this skill, you’ll help so many people around you, and you’ll be loved by many because you know how to empathize with them.
I want to teach you four simple steps you can always use when you see anyone—a friend, a stranger, or anyone else—in pain. Now, before I give you those four steps to help someone in grief or pain, I first need to explain what God says about the priceless value of tears because we don’t value tears the way God does. You need to understand why God gave you the ability to cry. You need to learn to cry with people more often. This weekend, I’ll tell you that you need to learn how to cry more often for a whole lot of different reasons.
What I’m going to teach you is totally countercultural—it’s the opposite of everything you’re taught in the world—and it takes enormous strength to do it. Tears are not for weak people; they are for strong people. First, let’s look at the priceless value of tears, and then we’ll look at how to help a friend through pain. The Bible explains why tears should always be a part of your life. Write these down—let’s look at these together.
Tears as God’s Gift
Number one: Tears are God’s gift for expressing emotion. Write that down—tears are God’s gift for expressing emotion. The only reason you’re able to shed tears expressing emotion is that you’re made in God’s image. God is an emotional God; did you know that? The only reason you have any emotions at all is because God has emotions. God has feelings, and God made you in His image. Unlike the other creatures He created—unlike animals—the Bible tells us that God grieves. The Trinity—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—they all grieve; they all feel sadness. The Bible says that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit also weep. Maybe you’ve never realized that God cries sometimes.
I’ve just listed a couple of examples of this fact on your outline. Notice these verses: Genesis 6:6 tells us that God weeps. It says the Lord saw how great man’s wickedness on earth had become and that every inclination of man’s thoughts and heart was to do evil all the time, so the Lord was grieved—God was sad. Did you know that God often looks at the things going on in the earth that we get sad about? He’s sad too! He was sad that He had made man on the earth, and His heart was filled with pain. God can experience pain.
So, the Heavenly Father grieves. Jesus grieves. John 11:35—just one example of Jesus crying. It’s all through Scripture. Did you know the shortest verse in the Bible has profound truth? It’s just two words: «Jesus wept.» We’re going to come back to this passage a little bit later, where He wept when His friend Lazarus died. Back over in Isaiah, the Bible tells us Jesus was a man of sorrow; the Messiah was a man of sorrows acquainted with bitter grief.
The Father grieves; the Son grieves. The Bible tells us in Romans 8:26 that the Holy Spirit weeps with us when we cry out to God in prayer. Look at this verse: «The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress.» When you’re praying hard and you’re just weeping, you’re crying, you’re sad, and you don’t even know what to say, the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. Often, we don’t know what we should pray for, and we don’t even know how we should pray, but the Holy Spirit, Scripture says, prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. God groans; God grieves; the Holy Spirit weeps for you.
Now, tears can be an expression of almost any emotion. You can have tears of laughter and tears of grief; tears of sadness and tears of joy; tears of frustration; tears of disappointment; tears of pride or concern; you can have tears because you’re angry, and you can have tears because you love. So, I want you to write this down: Tears are liquid emotions. Tears are liquid emotions—they can express almost any emotion known to mankind. They are a gift from God; God made us to have tears.
Tears Make Us Human
Number two: Tears are what make us human. Write that down—tears are what make us human. Now, I did a lot of study on this, and I discovered that there are three kinds of tears that we have. There are basal tears, which just coat your eyes and keep the dust out. There are reactive tears, which come if your eye gets poked or if you smell an onion, and then there are emotional tears.
Now it’s totally human—only a very few animals actually have tear ducts. Did you know that? Only a very few animals have tear ducts, and those tears are only for basal tears—the kind that wash your eye clean. Animals don’t cry for emotional reasons. No animals cry for emotional reasons. In contrast, as a human being, you came into this world crying. Crying was your first public act as a human being. Animals don’t cry at birth—they don’t cry at birth; only humans cry at birth. But it was the first sign to the world that you were alive. You cried.
You know what? When you die, other people are going to cry. Have you ever thought about why human babies cry so much? Why do they cry so much compared to other animals? Newborn animals don’t cry at all, and human babies are unusually needy. Human babies don’t start walking on their own until about a year old—that’s unheard of for animals. Human babies can’t cling to their parents with their own strength; human babies can’t be carried around in a mouth or a pouch, so a crying baby is a baby’s way of saying, «Hey, Mom, I need something!» Just in case you need help finding me, Mom, I’m going to cry.
Tears and crying are the most basic method of communication. Before you learn to talk, you know how to cry. You were born knowing how to cry. Now, the Bible—this book—is a tear-saturated book from Genesis to Revelation. Tears are mentioned in almost every book of the Bible. Why? Because the Bible tells the truth about human experience, and life is filled with tears. Tears are mentioned in just the first book—Genesis. They’re mentioned in almost every story of Genesis. Noah has tears; the story of Abraham has tears; the story of Hagar has tears; the story of Esau has tears; the story of Jacob has tears; and the story of Joseph has tears. So, throughout Scripture, we find that this is a book about tears, and at the very end of the Bible, tears are mentioned in the last book, Revelation, chapter 21. So, tears are part of being human.
Tears Are Normal and Healthy
Number three: Write this down—tears are a normal and healthy part of life. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says this: «There’s a time for tears and there’s a time for laughter; there’s a time for mourning (that’s grief), and there’s a time for dancing.» Life is composed of opposites. There’s a time for laughter, and there’s a time for tears. Because of our culture, men, particularly, have been taught to suppress their tears. Let me give you two words for that: It’s dumb.
Let me talk to the guys for just a minute. Guys—are you ever embarrassed to laugh? No. Are you ever embarrassed to smile? No. So why are you embarrassed to express sadness when life is sad? That’s a stunted emotion. Is life only fun? No. Is life always happy? No. What I’m saying is that tears are not only normal—they’re healthy. What’s unhealthy is stuffing your emotions out of fear. That’s unhealthy. When you suppress and repress your emotions, your body keeps score. When you swallow your emotions, your stomach keeps score. If you never cry, I’ll be blunt with you—you’re emotionally stunted. That’s what God says—you’re not using the gift that God gave you. If you’re afraid of tears, you’re a coward. If you can’t even cry, you’re unhealthy. Culture is wrong; the whole idea of the silent stoic man is just dumb.
God gave you tears for a reason. Let me correct something really out of whack in our culture: Throughout your life, when you’ve been hurt, one of the first things people start saying to you—and they started saying it when you were a kid—is, «Now don’t cry. Don’t cry.» Why do people want to shut you up when you’re crying so quickly? Because they’re uncomfortable with it. They’ll tell you, «Big boys don’t cry; big girls don’t cry.» That’s the dumbest advice you can give a person. Please don’t ever tell someone to stop crying! Telling someone to stuff their emotions is very unhealthy.
I want you to write this down: God says feelings are meant to be felt. If God hadn’t wanted you to feel sadness, He wouldn’t have given you the ability to feel sadness. He wants you to grieve. Grief is the way we get through life; it’s a gift of life. Why do we tell people, «Now don’t cry»? Well, as I said, the truth is that tears make us uncomfortable, and so we’re in a hurry to suffocate the tears of a little child or someone else who’s grieving. They’ve just lost a husband, a friend, a job, or something else—and the first thing people say is, «Now don’t cry.» No! Cry with them! When you’re afraid of tears, you urge other people to stuff their emotions. If God hadn’t intended for you to cry, He wouldn’t have given you the ability to cry. Tears are a normal part of life—there’s no reason to be ashamed of them.
Any reason to laugh or smile or giggle—strong people are not afraid to express strong emotions, but weak people are afraid of their emotions. As I’ve already mentioned, God gave you the ability to cry when He made you in His image because God weeps. Now, why would God want you to stuff that ability? If He hadn’t wanted you to have it, He wouldn’t have given it. It’s what makes you different from animals. Tears are healthy for you in four different ways: physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
First, physically—they’re healthy. Stress tears actually remove harmful chemicals from your body. Did you know that? Tears from stress—when you cry under stress or grief—contain ACTH, which triggers cortisol, the stress hormone in your life. It’s good, physically, to cry.
Second, it’s psychologically healthy—it’s emotionally healthy. Crying is cathartic. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it relieves tension, and tears provide relief from grief and many other negative feelings too. People say, «Well, I feel good after a cry; I feel better.» Of course you do—tears are your safety valve. It is a relief to weep. God gave you that gift, and if you don’t know how to weep or grieve or cry, you’re stuffing all that inside you. That’s unhealthy.
It’s relationally healthy. Tears connect you with other people. Tears draw you closer to people. Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on. When you weep or when others weep, it activates the neurons in your body called mirror neurons. Crying is contagious; weeping is contagious.
It’s spiritually healthy—tears can express our dependence upon God. The Bible calls it crying out to God. Tears are priceless in their value.
Tears as Universal Language
Number four: Tears are a universal language. Tears are a universal language; they’re far more powerful than words. That’s why you learn to cry before you learn to talk, because every single culture understands them. They may not understand your words, but if you cry, they’re going to understand your tears. Romans 12:15 says this: «Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.»
Many of you are pretty good at doing the first part. You know how to rejoice with those who rejoice. You have a party with people who are happy; you know how to cheer up when your friends cheer up. But do you know how to do the second part of that verse? Do you know how to weep with your friends when they need to weep?
Now, the ability to weep with other people is actually called empathy. Empathy is the ability to share the feelings of others. Empathy is different from sympathy. I’ve put it on your outline: Sympathy says, «I’m sorry you hurt, » but empathy shows, «I’m hurting with you.»
Write this down on your outline, would you? Tears are a sign of love, not weakness. They are a sign of love, not weakness. Tears show you care. A good example of this is in John chapter 11, where Lazarus had died. Mary and Martha, who were sisters, had called for their friend Jesus to come and heal him. Jesus didn’t get there in time, and Lazarus died. When Mary greets Jesus as He finally arrives, she says, «Lord, if you’d been here, my brother wouldn’t have died.» She’s sad.
Jesus saw her weeping; He was visibly watching her grief. He saw her weeping and saw how other people were weeping too. His heart was touched, and He was deeply moved. Then Jesus asked them, «Where have you buried Lazarus?» They said, «Lord, come and we’ll show you where.» Then it says—this is the shortest verse in the Bible: «Jesus wept.» Profound power in that.
If you’re ever going to be like Jesus, you’re going to have to learn how to weep. The people said, «See how much He loved him!» You show your love with tears. See how much you love? Weeping and crying—the sorrow you feel—is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of love. If you don’t love anybody, you’re never going to be sad. But the more you love, the more sadness you’ll have because you won’t have everyone in your life forever.
Clearly, notice from that passage that Jesus wasn’t ashamed to cry publicly. Are you? Are you ashamed to cry publicly? If you want to minister like Christ, you’ve got to be willing to weep publicly. We must let the tears of others move us to tears. Strong men and strong women are not afraid to express strong emotions, and the things that happened in the last two weeks are reason for strong emotions.
In the Bible, there’s a guy called Jeremiah. He wasn’t a bullfrog; he was a prophet, and he was called the weeping prophet because he wept so much for other people. They call him the weeping prophet. In fact, one of the two books that Jeremiah wrote is called Lamentations. You know what «lamentations» means? Passionate crying. Tears show you care; tears say, «I’m hurting with you.»
A lot of times, people think, «I need to be strong for that person who’s grieving, so I’m not going to show how sad I am too.» Friends, that’s a mistake. That’s a big mistake. «I need to be strong because they’re crying.» No, that’s the big mistake. They need to feel your sadness too; they need you to show it. They need you to show that you’re as sad as they are. They don’t need you to be stoic—that doesn’t help them. That doesn’t create closeness, community, camaraderie, or koinonia. They need you to show it. Tears build community, not being stoic. Tears bring us closer together, not being stoic. Tears bond people in friendship.
So, don’t ever say again, «Well, I need to be strong for them.» No, you need to cry with them, and it’ll help them more. Why? Well, as I said, in your mind, there are things called mirror neurons, and tears are contagious.
God Saves Every Tear
Now, there’s one other thing I need to mention that shows the priceless value of your tears. I said they’re God’s gift for expressing emotions; tears are what make us human; tears are normal and healthy parts of life; tears are a universal language; and now number five: God saves every tear that falls. God saves every tear that falls from your eyes. He not only sees every tear you cry, but He saves every tear you cry. Did you know that? Probably not. Let me show you some verses that demonstrate that God sees your tears and that He saves your tears.
Lamentations 3, written by that weeping prophet Jeremiah, says, «Tears stream from my eyes, a well of tears. You, God, looked down from high and saw my tears.» You see my tears? Now listen closely: Every single tear you’ve cried in your lifetime, God noticed. In all those times when you felt broken-hearted, depressed, lonely, fearful, or sad, and you were weeping by yourself alone, your loving Heavenly Father was paying attention. The Bible says He took note of every single tear that fell from your eyes, and He was grieving with you. God grieves; He says that over and over in Scripture. God weeps. We serve a weeping God, and when His children hurt, like a good Father, He hurts with you.
So let’s get real practical. You know the things that are causing you pain right now in your life. God sees everything that’s going on in your life right now. He’s aware, and He cares, and your tears matter to God. In fact, God is more than sympathetic; He’s empathetic. He weeps with you. Scripture says He hurts with you.
Now, that is a mind-blowing experience—that our God weeps with us when we weep. Here’s the next verse, and it’s even more astounding: Psalm 56:8 says, «You, Lord, keep track of all my sorrows; you have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.» Now look at that again. It says there that God doesn’t just see your tears; He keeps track of them. He collects them, and He records each one. Your tears matter so much to God that He actually collects and saves them.
Now, why does God save your tears? Think about that. Why does God collect your tears? Why does He bottle them up? You know what I believe? I believe that in heaven, God is going to compensate you for all your losses and all your pains in this life. That’s why He’s collecting your tears—because all those things you gave up, all those sacrifices you made to serve Him, all the losses you had in life, all of the hurts and pains, there will be compensation—a repayment for all your tears in heaven. That’s an amazing thought.
Think about that: there’ll be a repayment in heaven. But there’s also a corollary, and it’s this: If you don’t express those tears, they can’t be collected. Think about that—unexpressed tears. If you never express your sadness or sorrow, unexpressed tears aren’t collected by God. So how do you get recompensed for them if you never shed them? If you’re holding them all inside, you’re hurting yourself—not just here on earth; it’s unhealthy. For eternity, you’re holding in what God expects you to express, and follow this logic: If God, as Scripture says, is bottling up all your tears in heaven, then you should not bottle them up inside you now. Let Jesus be the bottling company for your tears—not you.
How to Comfort Others
Now that you understand the priceless value of your tears—these five things we just looked at—let me quickly share with you how to use those tears to comfort other people in their pain. Here’s how to help anybody who is in deep pain or grief. We learn the steps to take by looking at the example of Job’s friends in Scripture. You know the book of Job and the story of Job, how he lost literally everything overnight: his health, all of his kids, his family—terrorists killed his family—he lost his crops, he lost his wealth, he lost his health—everything happened wrong in just a matter of hours in Job’s life.
You also probably know that Job’s friends, if you’ve ever heard anybody preach on this, made a bunch of mistakes in handling Job’s suffering. But you know what you don’t hear about? The stuff they did right. Not everything Job’s friends did was wrong—in fact, the first three things they did were the exact three right things to do when you have a friend who’s in pain, suffering, grief, or anything else. It was only after they started speaking their opinions that Job’s friends got into trouble. But at first, Job’s friends did three things exactly right, and these are the first three steps you should take when you see someone grieving in deep pain, whether they’re a friend or a stranger.
Okay, write these down.
Number one: When you see somebody in pain like we’ve seen this last week, don’t wait; take the initiative to connect. Don’t wait; take the initiative to connect. A common mistake people make is that they don’t feel comfortable around people who are in pain. They don’t feel comfortable around people who’ve had a loss or grieving, and they say, «I don’t know what to say, » so they do nothing. They wait for the other person to contact them. That’s not going to happen—you have to take the initiative.
This is the first thing that Job’s three friends did correctly. Job 2:11 says this: «When Job’s friends heard about all the troubles that had come upon Job, they left their home and agreed to go together to sympathize with Job and comfort him.» They were going to his house—they’re taking the initiative. They’re not waiting for him to call—they’re going to see him.
So don’t wait. Take the initiative to contact someone who probably needs your help this week. You might want to take a moment to write down a name next to that point. I need to make contact with that person. I know they’re in pain and are having a hard time—write their name down next to point one.
Number two: Don’t hold back; let them see your tears. Don’t hold back; let them see your tears. This is the second thing that Job’s friends did right, and it’s what you need to do when you see someone in pain. They didn’t just sympathize, saying, «I’m sorry you hurt, Job.» They empathized. «We hurt with you!» They entered into his pain; they cried with him. They weren’t ashamed to shed tears. Job 2:12 says, «When Job’s friends saw him from a distance, they hardly recognized him. He was in so much pain and grief, and he had this terrible disease. They began to weep aloud.» This is in public, okay? They’re weeping aloud.
It says they tore their clothes in grief and threw dust in the air over their heads as a sign of sadness. If you’ve ever been to the Middle East, you know that these last two actions are two ancient ways to express grief. Ripping your clothes is a sign of grief; throwing dust in the air over your head is a sign of grief. Everybody in that day and in that tradition understood what they were doing. They expressed grief by weeping, tearing their clothes, and throwing dust in the air.
You may not have to do those other two things, but crying and weeping is still universally understood. All over the world, everybody’s going to understand when you cry what that means.
So, take the initiative. Don’t wait; take the initiative to connect. Number two: Don’t hold back. Let them see your tears.
Here’s number three: Don’t speak—just show up and shut up. You might say, «I don’t know what to say.» That’s okay—say nothing; that’s the best thing to do! Let them see your tears through your silence. There’s nothing you can say when somebody is in pain that’s going to cheer them up. In fact, they don’t want to be cheered up. They don’t want to be cheered up.
Personal Story of Loss
When Kaye and I lost our son Matthew to mental illness and he died by suicide, we knew we were going to go through grief. Grief is like waves—one minute you can handle it, and the next minute you can’t. Your wave will never match the wave of your spouse or anyone else. We all grieve at different times, and that can often create conflict in a family because everybody grieves differently, in different ways, and at different times.
But what we decided was that we would notice that if one of us was triggered—by sound, by sight, by a song, by music, or even by a taste—and we saw the other person going through one of those waves of grief, we would simply walk over, put our arm around them, and stand with them and say nothing. Show up and shut up.
Kaye and I will never forget how much comfort we received from our own small group when our youngest son, who had struggled his entire life with mental illness, took his life. Matthew had been at our home the day before. We played games together, watched some television. We had no trouble in our relationship in that moment, and as he left, Matthew said to me, «Dad, I’m just so tired. I’m so tired.»
Then we didn’t hear from him for 24 hours, which was unusual because we kept a close relationship with our son. He lived by himself in a home, and finally, we decided we’d drive over and see how he was doing. His car was in his driveway, and the door was locked. He wouldn’t answer the door, and we feared that what we had prayed would never happen, but feared might someday happen, had happened. So, we called the police and asked them to break the door down.
As we were waiting for the police to arrive, Kaye and I were standing in that driveway holding each other, just sobbing—just sobbing. Kaye was wearing a necklace that had two words on it: those were the title of a book she had just written. She held it up to me as I was standing close to her, and it said, «Choose joy.» I said, «How do you choose joy when your heart is breaking into a million pieces?»
The police came and broke the door down, discovering that our son had taken his life. It was the worst day of my life.
One of the things that helped us get through that was, within minutes, our Saddleback small group showed up in the driveway. The guys got around me and just hugged me, and the women surrounded Kaye and hugged her. They didn’t say anything—just showed up and shut up. There was nothing they could say that would make us feel any better. There were no words that you could say when people are going through that kind of grief. It’s just touch—show up and shut up.
It’s the ministry of presence, and that small group said to us, «We’re not leaving you alone tonight. We don’t have anything to say that’s important—there’s nothing we can do to take away the pain of this horror in your life—but we don’t want to leave you alone. We’re going to be with you tonight.» So, they came to our house and stayed with us; they slept in the kitchen, in the living room, on the couch, and on the floor. It was just being with us—show up and shut up.
Job 2:13 says, «Then Job’s friends sat on the ground with him.» Circle this in silence for seven days and nights—that’s friendship! They sat on the ground with a guy who had lost everything—in silence, for seven days and nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was.
So, when you have a friend in pain, don’t wait; take the initiative to connect. Don’t hold back; let them see your tears. Don’t speak—there’s nothing you can say that’s going to make them feel any better—just show up and shut up.
All Tears Are Temporary
Here’s the fourth thing: Don’t forget—remember all tears are temporary. Don’t forget this—remember that all tears are temporary. No matter how bad the pain or grief is in that moment, it will not and cannot last forever, because one day, God’s going to settle the score. God’s going to right the wrongs. God’s going to soothe all of our hurts.
Three times in the Bible, God promises that one day tears will no longer be needed—three times. So I want to close this message with those three verses—these three great promises.
The first is Isaiah 25:8. It says this: Notice on your outline—the Sovereign Lord will destroy death forever. So there will be no more death after this: He will wipe away the tears from everyone’s eyes. That’s a promise—He will wipe away the tears from everyone’s eyes and take away the disgrace that people have suffered throughout the world. You may have suffered abuse; you may have suffered great disgrace; you may have suffered rejection; you may have suffered betrayal. He will take away all of that—the disgrace that people have suffered throughout the world.
The second promise is Revelation 7:17. This is a scene in heaven one day. It says this: «Then the Lamb on the throne (that’s Jesus) will shepherd them and lead them to the springs of the water of life.» Here’s the second time He says it in Scripture: «God will wipe every last tear from their eyes.» Every tear is temporary; they’re not going to last. There will be a time when there will be no tears anymore.
The last verse says this: Revelation 21. This is the end of the Bible. Revelation 21:4-7 says this: «Then God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.» That’s the third time He says it in Scripture. «There will be no more death, no more mourning, no more crying, and no more pain, for the old order of things has passed away.» Then, He who was seated on the throne said, «I am making everything new. Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.» He said to me, «It is done!» This is God talking. «I am the Alpha and the Omega; I am the beginning and the end. To him who is thirsty, I will give drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all of this, and I will be his God, and he will be my child.» No more tears!
That, friends, is a scene worth shedding some tears over right now—tears of joy, tears of hope, tears of expectation. Because, no matter what you’re going through right now, it will not last, and one day that’s going to happen.
Those three verses are going to happen—there will be no more death, no more sorrow, no more pain, no more grief, no more problems, no more criticism, no more rejection, no more betrayal, no more illness, and no more cancer or death. He will wipe away every tear from everyone’s eyes, and there will be no need for the priceless value of tears anymore.
Closing Application and Prayer
Now, I don’t know how you need this message. It may be to help you in some current grief that may be a secret you’re hiding, or it may be that God wanted you to have this message to help a friend who is grieving. The world is full of people grieving right now—they’re all around you, and if you care, you’ll be aware.
Whether you have grief in your life right now or you know somebody who has grief in their life right now, you’re going to need these principles someday, and you’ll need them for the rest of your life. Some of you, particularly men, need to learn how to cry. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of love. You’ve held it in all your life, and people told you not to cry. That’s dumb! It’s not only unhealthy; it’s unhelpful. Remember, God promises to reward the tears you shed for the benefit of serving others.
Let’s bow our heads. Would you bow your head? With your heads bowed, I want to review what I’ve shared with you: Tears are God’s gift for expressing emotion. God weeps; Jesus weeps; the Spirit weeps. Would you thank God that He is a God who grieves and weeps and empathizes? And, when you’re in pain, He’s in pain—thank God for that.
Tears are what make us human; they’re normal and a healthy part of life. There’s a time for tears, and the Bible says weep with those who weep. God says your feelings are meant to be felt. Have you been holding them in? Don’t repress them. Don’t suppress them—express them to God, confess them to Him.
Tears are a universal language—they’re far more important than words. People won’t always understand your words; they’ll often misunderstand them, but they can’t misunderstand your tears. Would you say, «Lord, I want to be a person who empathizes, not just sympathizes with people»?
Remember, sympathy says, «I’m sorry you hurt, » but empathy says, «I’m hurting with you.» Would you realize that tears in your life are a sign of love, not weakness? Right now, with your head bowed, thank God that every tear you’ve ever shed, He saw, and He’s saved. Say, «God, thank you that You have seen all my tears and saved all my tears. You collected them in a bottle; You’ve recorded them in Your book. You’ve kept track of all my sorrows.»
Then, would you ask God to help you be a blessing to other people in a world that is full of pain? If you call yourself a Christian, you’re called to help others in pain. So pray this: «Lord, help me not to wait when I see someone in pain. Help me not to say, ‘I don’t know what to say, ’ but to take the initiative to connect.»
Then say, «Lord, give me the courage to not hold back, but to let them see my tears—to grieve with them—to weep with those who weep as You’ve commanded.»
Then, «Lord, when I’m tempted to say something and give advice, help me to show up and shut up. Help me to be like Job’s friend who sat on the ground in silence and didn’t say a word, but just was there with the ministry of presence when someone is grieving.»
Lord, help me to realize that the greater the pain, the fewer words I should use.
Finally, when I start to get discouraged, when I’m grieving, when I’m sad, and when I feel lonely or empty, help me to remember that all tears are temporary-the three times in Your Word that You’ve said, «I will wipe away all the tears.» Thank you, Jesus, for being a God who loves us like that.
If you’ve never opened your life to Jesus Christ, say, «Jesus Christ, come into my life right now and fill me with Your love. Fill my emptiness with Your peace.» Just say that: «Fill my emptiness with Your peace; fill my grief with Your love; fill my life with Your life. I want to learn to love You and know You. I want You to be the manager of my life, and I ask You to accept me into Your heaven one day. Be my Savior. I humbly ask this in Your name. Amen».