Rick Warren - Breaking Free From Abuse - Part 2
Now, the Bible tells us in 2 Timothy chapter 3, verse 2, that in the last days that abuse is going to rise, that it is going to increase in its prevalence, and of course we’re seeing that all around. As our culture decays, as people live more and more for themselves and less and less for God and we lose our spiritual roots, abuse is at an all-time high. Let me read you some pretty sobering statistics. The leading cause of injury to women now in the world, the leading cause of injury to women is domestic violence in the home from somebody she already knows, somebody in the family. It’s more than the next three causes of injury combined, accidents, mugging, and rapes. It’s the number one cause of injury to a woman in the world today.
Every nine seconds in the United States a woman is assaulted or beaten, every nine seconds. Around the world, one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or abused in her lifetime, that’s incredible. One in five teenage girls have been in a relationship already where the boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if they broke up. And in one recent survey, 92% of all women surveyed listed reducing domestic abuse and sexual assault as their top concerns. Now, this one’s gonna surprise you. The University of New Hampshire just did a 32-nation study and they found that women now commit half of all partner violence, it’s not one-sided anymore.
Now, the fourth key to helping someone who is going through abuse or trying to recover from abuse is number four, help them to a safe place if necessary. Maybe they need to get out of the situation, help them to a safe place if necessary. Now, let me just say this as clearly as I can as your pastor who loves you very much, so read my lips on this one. If you are being physically or sexually abused, you need to get out now. Not tomorrow morning, tonight. Not next day, today. You need to get out now. There is not… listen to me, as a pastor I’ve got a doctorate in theology, there’s not a single verse in the Bible that says a child or a wife or a husband has to remain in a situation where their life is threatened or they are sexually abused.
There’s not a single verse in the Bible, and anybody who tells you that has perverted scripture. It’s just not there. It isn’t there. You need to get out of that relationship right now. You say, «But Rick, I’m married». I didn’t say divorce them now, I didn’t say that at all. The Bible says God hates divorce, and I’ve seen all kinds of miracles take place in the lives of people where marriages were put back together after a major separation, many, many times. I do not believe in divorce, but I have sometimes encouraged a separation for the purpose of reconciliation. Sometimes the only way you get somebody’s attention is to move out of the picture for a period of time with the intention of restoring the relationship. That is a separation for the purpose of reconciliation.
If you are in a situation where you are being physically or sexually abused, or a child is, you need to report it and you need to get out of it right now, and then you begin to pray and you take some of these other steps that we’re gonna teach you, and you pray that God will reheal that and put it back together, not in the same old way. I don’t want that relationship put back together in the old way, I want it in a brand new way, a whole new marriage, a whole new family, a whole new relationship there where God has just changed you and changed them. How can I best help my friend, somebody who tells me they’re going through abuse, physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and they’re being… how can I help them?
Well, the first thing you need to do is help them to get the courage to report it, to talk about it. It’s the law. It’s the law when it comes to child abuse and wife abuse and things like that, it’s the law. And then the second thing is to understand the pain that they’re in and sympathize with them. Put yourself in their shoes. You know, in the Book of Hebrews, in Hebrews chapter 13, it says that we are to never forget people who are in prison. It says we’re to remember people in prison. We’re to pray for them, we’re to care for them, we’re to love them, and it says in Hebrews 11 you are to remember people in prison as if you were there with them. You know what the second half of that verse says?
Look on your outline. Second half of Hebrews 13:3 says this, «And look on victims of abuse as if what happened to them happened to you». You are to take the abuse of another person as seriously as if it were happening to you. You are not to stand by and do nothing, say nothing, you are to act as if it was happening to you. God commands it. God commands us to share the load. Galatians 6:2, «Carry each other’s burdens,» and there’s no greater burden than abuse, «And in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ».
Now, as I said earlier, abuse can happen anywhere. It doesn’t just happen in the home, it happens at work, it happens in offices all the time. It can happen in the office, it can happen at school, it can happen in the neighborhood, so you know what? As Christians, we ought to be ready to stand up, to defend, and protect the abused and the victims wherever they are. If anybody ought to be on the right side of love and on the right side of the law, it ought to be Christians on this issue. Not, it’s none of my business, it is your business, it is your business. If you care, if you love, if you call yourself a Christian, it is your business.
You see anybody abused anywhere, believe me, as a pastor, if I hear about anything, abuse happening in my church, I take action on it. I’m not covering it up. I’m not gonna smooth it off. We’re gonna deal with it. We’re gonna deal with it right there, because I’ve seen what God can do in people’s lives when you can confront it. Why do people abuse anyway? How many times have you heard me say this, hurt people hurt people?
Typically, abused people, abusers, have been abused themselves, and hurtful people have been hurt themselves, and ungracious people have never been graced themselves. And you learned that somewhere and you know what? We’re all broken, everybody is broken, everybody is broken. So, nobody is more holier than thou than anybody else, but you gotta deal with it. And you can’t shine it on, you can’t pretend like it’s not happening, you gotta deal with it, and Christians need to stand up and be ready to protect the defenseless and the offended and the victims wherever they are.
Number five, very important step that the Bible teaches, don’t confront an abuser by yourself. Don’t walk out of here and go, okay, now I’m gonna go home and we’re gonna go confront this issue by yourself. That’s neither wise nor safe. You got somebody who’s abusing everybody in the office and you go to that person on your own, by yourself, you know, you’re asking for trouble. Solomon talks about… who was the wisest man in the world, by the way, talks about the wisdom of doing the difficult things together, not doing them on your own. So, you don’t confront an abuser by yourself, it’s better to go as a team, better to go as a group.
Ecclesiastes 4:12, he says, «By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst. Can you get a third person? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped». In other words, sometimes you need a group intervention, and we do this all the time. We do at least a group intervention at least weekly at Saddleback Church because we have such a large church family. What do you do in a group intervention? You go in a spirit of love. It’s not a spirit of condemnation, it’s a spirit of love, restoration, let’s get this thing fixed. Something’s broken here and let’s get it fixed.
And the Bible says, «Let him who stands take heed, lest he fall». And it says when you go, you restore a person gently, you don’t go in as a big judge, you go in and you deal with it in a humane and a loving manner, but you deal with it in the truth, and what do you do? You turn the light on. You turn on the light of truth in that area of darkness where all the secrets have been, because when you turn the light on, all of a sudden healing starts taking place. It’s not gonna happen when it’s hidden in the dark, but healing takes place in the light.
The Bible says it like this, Ephesians 5:11, «Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness, instead, rebuke and expose them». In other words, turn on a light. «It’s a shameful thing to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But when the light shines on them, It becomes clear how evil these things are. And when your light shines, it will expose their evil deeds». So, you shine the light, but you don’t do it by yourself, you have a team, you have a… and we have counselors who can help you do this.
Number six, the sixth step in recovery from abuse, begin the healing process. Begin the healing process. Now, this could actually have 12 subpoints under it because it’s called recovery, it’s called The Beatitudes. The eight Beatitudes are the 12 steps of recovery just summarized by Jesus. Job had some advice given to him by one of his friends about 5,000 years ago and it still makes sense today if you’re struggling with the pain of abuse. Here’s what he says. Job was in a lot of pain from the abuse he’d been through. He said, «Job, put your heart right. Reach out to God. Put away any evil and wrong from your home. Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then,» now notice what happens, «All your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more. And your life will be brighter than the sunshine at noon, and life’s darkest hours will shine like the dawn».
As your pastor, I want that to be true in your life. I want all your troubles to fade from your memory, all that memory of abuse to fade from memory like floods that are past and remembered no more. I want your life to be brighter than sunshine at noon. I want life’s darkest hours to shine like the dawn. How do you do that? Well, look at what he says. He says, first put your heart right. What does that mean? It means you make the courageous decision to do what’s right. It takes courage to stop keeping a secret. It takes courage to speak up, and I’ve been praying for you to have that courage. Make the courageous decision to do what’s right. Then he says reach out to God. You need to turn to Jesus. Jesus is your Savior. They don’t call him Savior for nothing.
He came to save you from your abuse. He came to save you from your sins, not just the sins against you, but from your sins, too. He came to save you in every area of your life. And then he says, «Put away any evil and wrong from your home». Get away from evil, get it out of your house, get it out of your life. In other words, clean house if you have to. You may have to clean house relationally. You may have to clean house emotionally, whatever. He’s saying at this point, you gotta get away from the abuse, at this point, and then you get help and you have hope, and the hope is that the troubles will fade from your memory like floods that are past and remembered no more.
Finally, number seven, there’s one other thing you have to do to get healed, and it is this, number seven, let God settle the score. Don’t you get even. Don’t you retaliate. Don’t try to hurt them back. Don’t get resentful and try to, you know, tit for tat, you know, they hurt me now I’m gonna hurt them. That isn’t gonna work. Let God settle the score. You see, when you have a relationship with somebody, you’ve got three potential positions. You can be beneath them morally, you can be on the same plane as them morally, or you could take the moral high ground and actually be better than them. I want you to be better than them.
Now, if I go out and I come out and I hurt you and you’ve done nothing to me but I just hurt you, that makes me worse than you. I’m worse than you, okay? If you hurt me and I hurt you back, I get even, I’m just even. Whenever you get even, you’re no better than the perpetrator. When you get even, you’re no better than the abuser, you’re just even. You get even, you’re at the same level, you’re no better than they are. But when you forgive them, you’re better than they are. You’re better than them. You’re on the higher plane. You are morally better because you’re forgiving them. Jesus said forgive. «Blessed are the merciful, for they shall have mercy».
Now, here’s what the Bible says in 1 Peter. «Never repay one wrong with another, one abusive word with another». You hurt me, I hurt you, never. «Instead, repay with a blessing. This is what you are called to do, so that you inherit a blessing». If you want God’s blessing, you gotta be different. You can’t do what they did, you gotta do it different. Now, let me explain this. If you have been abused physically or sexually or verbally, maybe you’re in a situation right now, there’s one person in the entire universe who understands you completely. He understands abuse more than anybody else. His name is Jesus Christ. The Bible says this, here on the screen, Isaiah 53. «He was wounded and crushed,» that’s abuse, «For our sins. He was beaten and bruised so that we could have peace». That’s called abuse. «He was mocked and whipped, so we could be healed».
If you’ve never met Jesus, your healing starts here. May I introduce you to your healer? His name is Jesus Christ. Nobody has been abused more than Jesus. Nobody has been abused more than Jesus. He knows the pain because he took the sin of the entire world, including the guilt for the abuse that was done to you. That guilt, he took on himself and died for. He took every abuse ever done and took it on himself, and he died for that so that I could be forgiven, so that you could be forgiven, so that we could have peace, so that we could be healed. You’ve got to meet the healer to be emotionally healed. You’re not gonna get healed on your own.
I can give you a thousand-million examples of that one, the people who carried the abuse their entire life, but I can also give you the examples of thousands and thousands of people who let Jesus Christ heal them of that verbal, physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual abuse. He understands, he knows, he feels the pain. In fact, the Bible says this, here on the screen, Psalm 34. «The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those who have been crushed,» those whose spirits have been crushed. Nothing crushes your spirit more than abuse, to feel demeaned, degraded, devalued, unimportant, to feel put down, to feel abused, misused, mistreated. Jesus knows that, and he knows it and he says I will care for you.
So, the starting point in your healing is you need to get to know your healer. You need to say, Jesus Christ, I don’t even know how you did this, but you took the guilt for every sin in the world, the ones done to me and the ones done by me. And you took it on yourself and you took that abuse and you took that beating and you took that bruising and you took all of the mean, evil things that were said throughout history, and you took them all on you on the cross. I want to learn to love you and I’m gonna ask you to come in and heal my heart and heal my mind and heal my body, and he will, he will. Now, did Jesus, when he was abused, retaliate? Absolutely not, look at what the Bible says.
Last verse, «Christ never verbally abused those who verbally abused him». This is why I refuse to retaliate to critics who say all kinds of mean things about me, all things that are inaccurate and mean and evil. And I could… some people, they’re just not that smart and you know you could blow them away, but it’s like a water spider on the pond of life, but that’s not the Christ-like thing to do. «Christ never verbally abused those who verbally abused him. When he suffered, he didn’t make any threats but he left everything to the one who judges fairly».
One day, God is gonna balance the books. One day, God is gonna settle the score. One day, God is gonna right all the wrongs. You think Hitler’s gonna get away with it? You think all of the evil that’s happening in the world’s gonna just get away with it, all the rapes and molestations and abuse? You think people are gonna get away with the murders that people got away with? No, one day God is gonna settle the score. Now, God is a truly just God and he can do a whole lot better job of settling the score than I can, so I have to leave it in his hands because he’s God and I’m not.
Now, let me close with this. I know this has been a tough message because it brings up a lot of emotions, but one of the problems and why we have to deal with abuse is because of this, it is contagious. It gets passed on from generation to generation, and if you saw abuse growing up or experienced it in your family, you learned some patterns and it’s more likely to be passed on. This year, about 10 million kids in America will watch their parents in a domestic violence situation. Study after study after study has shown that those kids are twice as likely to abuse their own families once they’re married. Somebody’s gotta break the chain, it’s gonna be you, you, starting today, starting now, starting with the power of the Holy Spirit.
Let’s bow our heads. I know this has been a painful message for many of you. I want you to know that no matter what you have gone through, whether you have been abused or the abuser, whether you have been the victim or the victimizer, that there is a way out, and I want you to know that God cares about you, that Saddleback Church cares about you, and that I care about you and you don’t have to stay in the pain on either side any longer. There is healing available for both victims and abusers and it starts by accepting his salvation right now. I’m gonna pray a prayer and I invite you to pray this in your heart.
Dear Jesus Christ, I need salvation in so many ways. I am a sinner and I need to be saved. I need your help. I need to be healed from my hurts, I need to be freed from my past, I need to have the power to develop new patterns. I need a new mind, a new heart, a new outlook. I need a new me. So, Jesus Christ, today I ask you to come into my heart in every area of my life, even the secret places, and start doing your work. Shine the light. I want the truth to set me free and I wanna trust you. Thank you for dying on the cross for me.
If you just prayed that prayer, I believe God heard you, and with our heads still bowed, why don’t you thank God for hearing you? Say:
Jesus Christ, thank you for hearing my prayer. Thank you for saving me. Now help me to take the tough steps to grow in love and to become the man or the woman you want me to be. I want the pain of the past to flood away and I want the light to be noonday.
Father, I want to thank you for every person who’s listening here in all of our campuses, listening online, listening here at Lake Forest and all of our venues, and I pray a blessing. I pray a blessing of courage, that this week that many will say I’m not keeping it a secret anymore. That we’re gonna name the abuse, we’re not gonna minimize it, we’re not gonna rationalize it. If we need to get to a safe place for a while, then so be it. Help us to get the courage to deal with other people who can help us make a plan to grow to health and healing. Save my life, save my relationships, let the healing process begin, and God, I’m gonna let you settle the score. In your name I pray, amen.