Rick Warren - Breaking Free From Abuse - Part 1
Everybody has a sinful nature. I do, you do, everybody does. We’re all born with an innate ability to do the wrong thing. And because of that, because sin entered the world, everything in the world is broken. The weather’s broken, the economy is broken, every family is broken, everybody is broken, every relationship is broken. And that’s why we’re doing this series on how do you deal with the brokenness in our relationships. «You make me crazy». How do you make a relationship healthier and stronger? This weekend I wanna deal with a very, very sensitive issue. It’s a silent subject nobody wants to talk about, but it’s an issue we need to talk about when we deal with broken relationships. And that’s the issue of abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse.
Now the Bible tells us in 2 Timothy chapter 3, verse 2, that in the last days, that abuse is going to rise, that it is going to increase in its prevalence. And of course, we’re seeing that all around as our culture decays, as people live more and more for themselves and less and less for God, and we lose our spiritual roots. The Bible is literally filled with examples of abuse. In Job chapter 19, Job talks about his tormentors, those who are abusing him, and he says, «Why do you keep tormenting me with such words»? This is verbal abuse. «Why do you keep tormenting me with such words? Time after time you insult me and you show no shame for the way that you abuse me».
Now, the reason we need to deal with this is because the damage to abuse is a lifetime damage unless you learn to deal with it. I want to share with you a message of hope today so that no matter who you are, what you’ve been through, or what you’ve experienced in the past or currently experiencing, you can break free from it and you can recover from it. If you don’t, you will carry the pain of that abuse for your entire life. That is unnecessary. I don’t want you to do that. You don’t wanna do that. And so, we wanna talk about how to be free from abuse.
You know, recent government study, the US government, did a study of people in their 20s, and they discovered that if people in their 20s, 80% of those who had been abused as children were still in their 20s carrying that pain, and had one or more emotional dysfunctions because of unresolved pain from the abuse in their life. And anyways, it’s kind of like Job says in this verse, here on the screen, Job 30:27. «The churning inside me never stops». If you’ve been abused, you know what I’m talking about. «The churning inside me never stops; each day confronts me with more suffering». Now there’s no single passage in the Bible that says, «Here are all the steps». But there are literally dozens and dozens and dozens examples in Scripture. And dozens and dozens and dozens of verses that deal with the principles on what we must do when we have been abused by somebody else.
So, I want to share these seven steps with you today. How do I help someone break free from abuse? Let’s get right into it. I’ve put these kind of in an order, taking verses from all over the scripture to deal with this subject. Number one, the first step in breaking free from abuse, whether it’s sexual, or physical, or verbal, or emotional is this. Don’t keep it a secret. Nothing’s gonna happen till you take step one, don’t keep it a secret. Now, it is the most common thing in the world when someone is abused to say, «I’m not gonna tell anybody about it». But the Bible says, «You gotta share your pain with somebody you trust who can help you break free from it». You don’t wanna hide it, you don’t want to conceal it, you don’t wanna pretend it’s not there, you don’t wanna fake it, you don’t wanna ignore it, you don’t wanna close your eyes to it. What you need to do is you need to talk about it.
Now, one of the sayings we use in recovery all the time is, «I’m only as sick as my secrets,» and that’s true. Our secrets make us sick. And the way to deal with that illness is to let it out. You’ve heard me say this before you, you might write it down again, «Revealing my feeling is the beginning of healing». I must have said that a hundred times over the last 30 years at Saddleback. Revealing my feeling is the beginning of healing. Whatever emotion I’ve got inside of me, it may be worry, it may be fear, it may be boredom, it may be anger, it may be loneliness, it may be depression, it may be anger, it may be resentment, it may be jealousy, or envy, or whatever, doesn’t matter what it is that’s dominating my life, revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing. If you can’t talk about it, it’s already out of control in your life. If you’re afraid to talk about it, it’s already dominating and controlling your life.
So, the starting point is don’t keep a secret. You gotta share with somebody, somebody who can help you break free from this. Now, Jesus said in John 8:32, «The truth will,» what? «Set you free». «The truth will set you free». And the way we get free from the truth is to first face it, and that means to admit it, to open up. I said earlier, abuse is often called the silent epidemic because it’s the big pink elephant in many, many marriages that nobody wants to talk about it. It may have been in the family you grew up in, it may be in the family that you’re in right now, but we just don’t want to talk about it and people suffer in silence. One national study, did a ten nation study. They studied ten different nations, and they discovered that, depending on the country which you live in, between 55% to 95% of women who’ve been abused by their partners, have never told anybody.
Between 55% to 95% have never told anybody. And they discovered that men are even less likely to talk about it or to get help. You see, what happens is, abuse has a crazy thing in our mind. It has an amazing way to create shame in us. And we don’t want to talk about it. Now, if you don’t get anything else that I say, I want you to hear this. If you have been abused as a child, or as a teenager, or as an adult, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. «Yeah, but I,» it’s not your fault. You are not responsible for the wrong sinful actions of somebody else. «But I», it’s not your fault. The abuser must accept responsibility for their actions, his or her actions. It’s not your fault.
Now, we’re gonna look at King David today because if anybody understood abuse, it was King David. In the Old Testament, you know, the King David who wrote most of the book of Psalms, spent much of his life dealing with abuse. Because there were people who wanted to hurt him, there were people who wanted to kill him, there were people who wanted to abuse him, there were people who wanted to fame him, there were people who wanted to ridicule him, who wanted to discredit, all kinds of different abuse. And in over 100 passages in the book of Psalms, David expresses his hurt, his frustration, his fear, his depression, his anger at his enemies. He uses the word enemy or enemies over, I think 92 times in the New International Version. And he talks about the abuse that they heaped on his life, most of his life.
I’m gonna show you a few examples in just a minute. But one of the things we learned from David, right off the bat, from modeling it in the Bible is this, don’t hold it in. You’ve gotta let it go, you’ve got to talk it out. You can’t keep it a secret. Let me give you an example. Psalm 39 verses 1 to 4, David explains what happened when he tried to keep it a secret. David said, «I said, 'I will not say anything while evil people are near. So, I kept quiet, not saying a word, but my suffering only grew worse. And I was overcome with anxiety. And the more I thought, the more troubled I became. I could not keep from asking, „Lord, how long will I live? When will I die? Tell me how soon my life will end“.'»
Now, this is a classic response to abuse, classic response. So, I want you notice the four things that happens when you hold it in. First, he’s afraid to talk about it in the presence of his abusers, those who perpetrated the abuse against him. He said, «I will not say anything while evil men or people are near». He said, «I’m afraid to talk about this while these people are near. It might hurt me more. I don’t want to talk about it». This is so typical. He’s afraid to talk about it in the presence of his perpetrators. Second, his silence make it worse. He said, «I kept quiet, not saying a word, but my suffering only grew worse».
And those of you who have been abused and have kept it a secret, you know what it did in your life. And then he says, «It internalized, that pain internalized into panic». He said, «I was overcome with anxiety». This is classic. Over 30 years as your pastor, I’ve talked to so many people who came to me saying, «Pastor Rick, I’m having panic attacks. I’m overcome with worry. I’m anxious all the time. I’m fearful, I’m afraid». And when we begin to talk, I discovered the problem is not fear, it’s not anxiety, it’s not panic. It’s the pain from an abuse. That has been pushed down, pushed down, pushed down. And David says this, he said, «I was overcome with anxiety».
And when you deal with the root issue and you deal with that pain, the anxiety vanishes, it just goes away. And then he said, «I was overcome with anxiety and the more I thought, the more troubled I became, and I started asking, 'How long will I live? When will I die? How soon will my life end? '» He begins to be obsessed with death. This is typical for many people who have been abused. Abuse can actually lead to considering suicide because people are like, «It’s the only way out, I’m trapped, I’m abused, and I can’t get out of it, and I have no power, and I can’t… the only way to do it is just to take my life». This is classic.
Now I wanna say this to you as your pastor who loves you. And those of you who are watching online, I say this to you too. If you are feeling this right now, God cares about it, this church cares about it, I care about it, and there is hope. And you don’t have to stay in that cycle of pain, anxiety, fear, and that’s the only way out. There are other ways to deal with this issue. But first, you gotta stop being silent. You got to speak up. You’ve got to get it out on the table. You’ve got to deal with it and bring it into the light.
Number two, the second thing the Bible teaches us to do is, name the abuse, give it a name. Name the abuse. You need to identify it, you need to be specific, you need to recognize it. You need to call it what it is. You have been sinned against, you have been abused. Now, you may need some help from somebody else at this time. When people are abused physically, or emotionally, or any other way, they often don’t spot it. Because I’m too close to the situation, they can’t see what’s really going on. Particularly in emotional abuse, you may have had parents, or a partner, or a peer, or somebody abuse you emotionally over and over and you’re still not getting it. You’re not seeing it. Somebody else was gonna have from an objective standpoint, help you spot it.
Now, I spent the better part of this week studying the book of Psalms in detail, finding over a hundred different references to different marks of emotional abuse. I don’t have time to go into all of those. So, I boiled it down to eight, and I put eight verses here on your outline that show eight common characteristics of emotional abuse. I want you to write a word next to each of these sentences, because these are the hallmarks of emotional abuse. If these are in your life, you’re being abused, all right. David’s descriptions when he uses the word enemy or enemies 92 times, here’s what he says they do.
The first thing in Psalm 102:8, he says, «My enemies taunt me day after day. They mock and curse me». Circle the word taunt. He say, «They’re always picking on you. They’re always provoking you. They won’t leave you in peace. They’re constantly taunting you». What this is, here’s the word to write down, is aggravation. Aggravation is the first common characteristic of emotional abuse. You just get aggravated at people cause they’re taunting you all day. They mock you, they curse you, they taunt you. They’re picking on you, they’re provoking you. They won’t let you alone, they always picking at you. That’s aggravation. The second characteristic is intimidation, intimidation. That’s emotional abuse.
Psalm 109, verse 20, he says, «They tell lies about me and they threaten me». Circle that, «They threaten me». That’s intimidation. When you have people in your life who are always making threats, «I’m gonna leave you. I’m gonna walk out on you. Why, if you do that, you don’t know what», and they’re always threatening you. Threatening you with violence, threatening you with leaving, threatening you with a lawsuit, threatening… this can happen at work, it can happen at school, it can happen in your neighborhood, it can happen in your home. When people are threatening you, they are emotionally abusing you. It’s intimidation, they’re always making threats. They try to scare you into compliance. They try to pressure you into compliance. That is intimidation.
Third mark is denigration. Denigration is when they’re always putting you down. And in Psalm 22:7, David says to his enemies, «They make fun of me and they ridicule me». «They make fun of me and they ridicule me». Now we’re not talking about good natured teasing here. In fact, teasing can be an evidence of love. And when you’re teasing somebody and you love them, they know you’re not doing it in a mean-spirited me. What we’re talking about here is mean-spirited scorn and derision. They intentionally ridicule you. They belittle you, they put you down, they’re constantly attacking you, belittling you, and heaping scorn on you.
The fourth one is in Psalm 69. David says, «I’ve been insulted, put to shame, and humiliated». This is the fourth mark of abuse, humiliation. When you’re in a relationship where you experience humiliation, that’s abuse, friends. That’s emotional abuse. I’ve been insulted, put to shame, and humiliated. Shame is the favorite tool of abusers. They demean you, they dishonor you, and they disgrace you. Denigration, humiliation, intimidation, aggravation.
Number five, manipulation. Manipulation is when they’re trying to control you and they’re bullying you around. In Psalm 73, verse 8, I love this in The Message paraphrase, «They jeer, they use words to kill; they bully their way with words». You ever been bullied with words? They’re trying to manipulate you by what they say. You’re verbally bullied, that’s manipulation, and that’s emotional abuse.
Number six, domination. They push hard to make me fall. They push hard. What is domination? They’re trying to control you in every kind of way. They’re always pushing at you. Everything is a power play. Everything is about control. Everything’s about who’s in charge? Who’s number one? Who’s pulling the strings? They turn everything into a power play. You see this at work, and yeah, unfortunately, sometimes see it in marriages.
And then in Psalm 31:13, David says, «They spread rumors about me, and conspire against me». That’s defamation, defamation. «They spread rumors about me, and conspire against me». Defamation, they’re trying to defame. They love to use gossip to defame you. They like to spread rumors about you. They like to say things that embarrass you. The internet is filled with this kind of emotional abuse.
And then finally, number eight, is condemnation. Condemnation is they mock me with the worst kind of profanity and they snarl at me. In other words, they use vulgarity, they use profanity, they use cursing for shock value. They like to drop the F-bomb. They like to drop other cuss words. They like to use crude slang about a part of your body, or about your gender, or they call you this or that. Some crude name that they’ve picked up, you know, by watching MTV or something. It’s condemnation, they mock me with the worst kind of profanity and snarl at me.
Now friends, if any of these words describe the environment that you are in, let me just tell you real clearly, you are being emotionally abused. This is not good natured stuff here. This is emotional abuse. And what you need to do is you need to admit it, and you need to name it, and you need to call it for what it is, and you need to point out that that’s exactly what it is. It’s not playfulness, it’s meanness. It is meant to harm, it is malicious. Now, the third step in recovering and breaking free from abuse, Pastor Tom is gonna come and teach. Pastor Tom Holladay: The third step is, don’t minimize it, don’t rationalize it. Ephesians 5:6 says, «Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins. For the anger of God comes upon all those who disobey him».
So, you don’t say things like, «Well, he was just having a bad day, or she was just having a bad day, or I brought it on myself, or there are so many good things about him there are so many good things about her». You don’t minimize it, you don’t rationalize it. A number of you know that I grew up in a home with a dad who was mentally ill. As his mental illness in our childhood years first began to show itself, he began to be abusive towards my mom. First with words, and then with threatening physical actions. And then I remember a night when he pushed her on the couch and held her down to talk to her. She immediately made sure the police were contacted. We moved out of the house. Her sister lived in the same town, so we moved in with them. They had four kids. We had three kids.
I’ve always thought about our parents and what they had to face when that happened. She got a separation from him. And we moved back into our house. I’ve always been so grateful that my mother did not rationalize it or minimize it. She could have said, «He’s just sick». She could have said, «It’s not his fault». And some of that was true, but the truth was, he was abusing her. And she made the decision to do something about it. I know that it terrified her. It terrified her. It was the hardest thing she ever had to do. But she decided to not minimize it, to not rationalize it. And that’s what we have to decide as well.
I’ve got to tell you, as I check my own emotions even this many years later, it’s hard for me to talk about this. We don’t like to talk about abuse. We don’t like to admit that it’s there, we don’t like to face it. And because of that, everything in us wants to minimize it, we want to rationalize it. Even some of you that were in an abusive home years and years ago, you haven’t faced it in your own life. You still minimize it, rationalize it, push it down. Some of you they’re in an abusive situation right now. I’m praying God will give you the courage instead of minimizing it and rationalizing it, to take some steps.
Now, my mom and dad stayed married the rest of their life. But that time of separation changed everything because she didn’t rationalize, she didn’t minimize. If you want some strength for doing that, remember how God feels about abuse. You wanna know how God feels about it? Just pick up the Bible and read through the prophets. Read through particularly, the 12 minor prophets at the end of the Old Testament. Just about every one of those minor prophets is about God’s anger towards those who have practiced injustice or abuse, particularly to those who are weaker in society. They use their strength, physical strength, or political strength to abuse other people, and God just says, «I am angry at this. I’m going to judge this».
By the way, when you think about abuse, sometimes it seems like the abuser is the person who is strong. It’s important to remember that when somebody is practicing abuse it’s always because they feel deep insecurity and a deep sense of being powerless in their life. And that insecurity, that powerlessness in their life is causing them to want to abuse other people in their life. So, I’ve had to learn some tough life lessons about this one. And one of the keys in abuse is, what’s going on in your own mind. So, whether it happened a long time ago, or it’s happening right now, or it’s just beginning to happen, you don’t minimize it, you don’t rationalize it, you say, «God, give me the courage to deal with it».