Philip Anthony Mitchell - Family by Design (01/25/2026)
If you are visiting us for the first time, and if you’re watching or listening on podcast, we want to welcome all of you to Victory Church and welcome you to week seven of our series called «Walk.»
Introduction to the Series
We are teaching through the New Testament letter of Colossians. And if you missed any of the messages in this series, they are all available for you online. You can just go to our website, go to media, and all of the messages will be available for you there. You can download the Victory Church app, and all of the messages are available for you there as well.
Today, we’re going to be unpacking Colossians chapter 3, verses 18 through 21. And if you’ve been reading ahead with us in this series, you should know where I’m going today.
A Controversial Topic
I’m going to be tackling a subject matter today that is becoming controversial because the devil is busy and because we think we’re smarter than God. I’m going to be tackling a topic today that has caused a lot of stress and frustration for a lot of people in this room. We’ve lived with a lot of that stress and frustration coming out of our homes.
And we’re going to spend some time today talking about couples, marriages, parenting, and the dynamics of marriage and parenting—these critical relationships.
This Message Is for Everyone
Let me just say that there is no way possible I could address every single dynamic of marriage and parenting in one sermon. That’s not possible. It would take a whole series to do that. But I am going to touch on a few things this morning that I think will be a blessing to the men and women in this room and to those of you who have children.
And look really quick—if you’re a single person in this room, that’s okay. This message is still for you. Don’t check out and start thumbing through your social media while I’m preaching, right? Because even if you’re not married, if you believe one day you will have a spouse, this message is for you.
If you have family members and friends who are married, this message is for you. And because you’re single, you’re in a community with other believers who are married, and there will be times where they will need encouragement. So you can take the wisdom of this word and regurgitate it back to them in times of need. Amen?
The Difficulty of Marriage and Family
Man, I just can’t stress enough how difficult marriage and family is. It’s funny how when everybody’s single, a lot of people who are single want to be married, and people who are married want to be single. And I cannot stress enough how difficult marriage and family is. It absolutely necessitates the grace and wisdom of God.
When done right, it has the potential to bring us great joy. When done wrong, it has the potential to bring us great frustration.
So we’ll be in Colossians 3:18–21, and we’re looking at some cross-reference passages. I want to dabble from my past archive, and I want to title this message «Family by Design.»
Opening Prayer
Holy Spirit, would You add a blessing to the reading and the preaching of Your word? Open our hearts and minds to understand and to lean in. This is the most significant relationship, God, that You created in the earth for a reason. And I pray we would lean in now to this teaching. Transform us, change us, inspire us, encourage us, educate us. Help us, God. It’s in Christ’s name we pray. Amen.
Thank you so much, gentlemen. Thank you, worship team. Thank you, Ben. I appreciate you.
And yes, if you’re staring at me, I am wearing my first pair of skinny jeans at Victory Church. I know some of you are staring at me like his pants are too tight. Yes, I have unveiled my first pair of skinny jeans at Victory Church. And for New York, I’ve come a long way—for a New Yorker to be rocking a pair of skinny jeans. I’ve come a long way.
They look good. My wife thinks they look good. I’m all right then. I’m not going to be insecure on my schedule. I better model. I thought you had seen something different. Mom, Mom said, «I thought I saw something different.» Yes, Mom, I have unveiled my first pair of skinny jeans at Victory Church.
Marriage Becoming Extinct?
Yeah, you know, yesterday I was driving to a wedding. On my drive to the wedding, you know, I was thinking to myself how many—I feel like what I’m about to partake of is becoming extinct. It’s becoming extinct.
I think about how we live in a day and time when people don’t even bother to get married. No, we would just be boyfriend and girlfriend until Jesus comes back and gets us. I think about how we live in a time where people are afraid to enter into the covenant of marriage.
I think about how, when we look around, we can’t even find a good marriage. I think about how we live in a time—if we passed the microphone around this room—so many of us would testify, «I never even saw a good marriage. I have no concept or context for what that looks like. Never met my father. My mother was single.»
And I just thought about, on the way to that wedding, I wondered—I was praying for that couple. I was like, «Man, they’re about to do something I’ve been doing for 14 years. God, I pray that they would make it.» Because yeah, it’s going to be a joyous day, but they’re about to enter into a serious journey.
Redefining God’s Design
And I thought about that, you know. And I also thought about how men think that they are smarter than God. I thought about how right now we live in a time where people are trying to redefine marriage and say that we think that marriage should be this or that, marriage should be between these individuals and those individuals.
And what right does the Christian community have to tell us how marriage should be? And I think about how we live in a time when we’re trying to redefine the roles in marriage, and they’re trying to redefine the terms of marriage, and trying to redefine the dynamics of marriage, and trying to redefine the definition of marriage.
And kids are opening their schoolbooks now in counties in Virginia, and they have a definition of family that the Scriptures do not tell us about. We have shows like «Modern Family.» I’ve turned on them. What is the modern family? Where did that come from, right?
Because I’m learning—I don’t know if some of you are learning—but I’m learning: when we try to redefine something that God has already defined, we already set ourselves on a pathway to error and trouble. Any attempt to redefine what God has already defined—we’ve already set ourselves on the pathway to error.
Consequences of Redefining
And what right do we have to tell God, «We’re smarter than You»? And so we heard what You did. We know what You did, but we’re going to try to do this a different way because we have hopes that our way would work out better than what You planned.
And anything we try to redefine, deconstruct, redo, repackage other than the way that God intended it to be—we are headed for pain, frustration, and disappointment. We cannot successfully redefine what God has already defined.
God said, «This is man,» and we said, «Nay, a man could be this.» God says, «No, this is woman.» He said, «Well, we say woman could be this.» And God said, «Well, this is a child,» and we said, «Well, a child could be that.»
God said, «This is the Christian church,» but we say the Christian church is supposed to be that. Even our conferences are trying to redefine the church. We got preachers trying to redefine the church. Man, we preach stuff you can’t even find in the New Testament, and then people shout us out. «Oh, the pastor was preaching!» Huh? «What was he talking about?» I don’t know. I can’t find it in the Scriptures.
Because we live in a culture and a time where we think that we are smarter than God. And we live in a culture and time where we’re trying to redefine roles that God has already defined.
No One Wants a Bad Marriage
You let me tell you what I’ve never met. I’ve never met a woman who was happy that her husband was brutal, distant, and cold. I’ve never met a woman who was happy that her husband was unloving, brutal, and violent.
I’ve never met a man who was happy that his wife was domineering, emasculating, and disrespectful. I’ve never met a teenager that was happy that their parents had a bad marriage.
And I’ve never met a parent that was really just excited about destroying or demolishing their child’s self-esteem. I’ve never met a kid that was excited that their parents were destroying and demolishing their self-esteem.
I’ve never met a person that said, «Man, I can’t wait to get to the altar so that two years from now we would hate one another, be arguing all the time, fighting one another, and just dreaming about divorce.» I’ve never met a person that said that—ever.
Pain from Going Against Design
But what I have come across—I have come across people who have felt the pain, who have had the scars, who have dealt with the bruises, who have dealt with the frustration of marriages and parenting and relationships that have caused them to feel the hurt—that have gone against the design of God.
Because any time we go against God’s design, we will feel the tension of that bruise. And anytime we push against God’s design, we will feel the pain of that bruise. You cannot go any opposite of God’s will and not suffer the consequences for that.
Paul’s Insert in Colossians
And so in the third chapter of Colossians—you know, the Apostle Paul has been teaching about the supremacy of Jesus. He’s been teaching about «take that off and put that on.» He’s been teaching us about the old man and the new man.
And he makes this little tiny insert that almost seems to be out of place. He’s talking to this church at Colossae—a group of Christian believers he had never seen before—and then he makes this tiny, like, «Wow, how do you go from talking about the supremacy of Jesus to talking about family?» But how do those two mix?
And he goes from talking about the supremacy of Jesus to making this tiny little insert in Colossians chapter 3, verse 18. He makes this little insert, and he says this: «Wives, submit to your husbands, as it is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.»
Now Paul makes this insert into the letter of Colossians. He’s talking about the supremacy of Jesus. He’s preaching to them about sound doctrine. He’s warning them about false teachers. And then he makes this one little insert right here, which is really an insert to the Christian family.
He gives an instruction to the wife. He gives an instruction to the husband. He gives an instruction to children. And he doubles back around to fathers. And every time we see these types of instructions—whether it’s here, in Titus, in Timothy—he’s always starting with the wife first. Then he talks to the husband. He has something to say to the children. He doubles back around to fathers.
Struggling with These Instructions
Now we look at this and say, «Simple enough, man. We can do this. That’s simple enough.» But the truth is, a lot of us struggle with this. And the truth is, a lot of us have come from homes where people have struggled with this.
I mean, it’s easy to tell a woman to submit to her husband, and it’s easy to tell a man to just love his wife, and it’s easy to tell children to just obey. But if we would just be honest, a lot of us can testify we have not seen this done well. And we felt the pain where this has not been done well.
A lot of us can testify we ourselves have not done this well. I have failed at doing this. My wife has failed at doing this. Some of you who have been married—you have failed. And I’ve never met a person who has gotten this perfect, right?
Because all of us at some point in time have struggled at doing this—whether it be with rebellion towards our parents or fighting with our wife or throwing ninja stars at our husband. For the most part, we have struggled with this, right?
We got crazy shows like «Love & Hip Hop.» We see this going down all the time. And don’t worry about social media—we put out them false images, and we think everybody’s marriage is perfect. Lies. Lies.
I know a couple right now—pastors—always putting out false images of them having this ultimate marriage, and they’re supposed to be the Bey and Jay of marriage. Marriage is so perfect. And then the husband comes back from vacation and puts on social media, «We fight every week.» Because we like posting false facades.
But the truth is, a lot of us are battling with this. All right? Easy enough—we’re battling with this, right? There’s no perfect marriage. There’s no perfect parents. All of us are struggling.
Understanding God’s Original Design
And some regard now—to understand, my brothers and sisters, the wisdom of this text and to understand the force of this text and to understand the dynamics and the power of this text—we have to understand God’s original design for marriage and the family.
Because to read something like this and not know the Old Testament is to miss the essence of what Paul is saying. We have to let Scriptures interpret Scriptures.
And so I can read, «Wives, submit to your husbands"—why? «Husbands, love your wives"—why? «Children, obey your parents"—why? «For this pleases the Lord.» Well, why? Why do I have to do this? Why is this important? Why does this matter?
And we really don’t understand the thrust of this text and the importance of this text unless we understand God’s original design for marriage and the family—and the first breakdown of the first marriage and the first family. And when we understand that, then this text has more weight and more value.
So the Scripture says in Genesis chapter 1—Moses, who wrote the first five books of the Bible, received revelation from God about the creative order of mankind. And the Bible tells us in Genesis chapter 1, beginning in verse 26, that the world was dark and it was formless and it was void.
And then the Scripture says God began to speak: «Let there be light,» and there was light. And God began to create. He began to lay out what would be the order of life as we know it.
And as God began to speak that word there—when the Bible says the world was dark and formless and void—the Hebrew words mean that the world was in chaos and disarray. And when God began to speak, what He began to do with His words—He began to bring structure and order to chaos.
So God begins to create. He creates everything around us. He creates the heavens and the earth. He creates animals. He creates creatures. He creates landmasses. He creates all of that. He creates man—Genesis 1:26—in His own image. He makes him dominate viceroys in the earth. He says, «Subdue the earth. Have dominion over everything.»
And then we come to Genesis chapter 2, verse 15, where He creates the very first marriage.
The First Marriage
In Genesis chapter 2, verses 15 and 25, He says this: The Lord took the man and He put the man in the Garden of Eden to work it and to care for it. And the Lord God commanded the man, «You are free to eat from any tree of the garden, but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for the day you eat of it you will surely die.»
Pause—I know some people always say, «Man, that was really foul. Why would God put something there and tell him not to touch it?» But there’s no such thing as love without vulnerability, and there’s no such thing as love without a choice not to love.
You never know if someone really loves you unless you give them a choice not to love you. So if He made men robots, He would never know if you really loved Him out of a personal decision. So He put something there: «You can have all of this, but that one thing—that’s for Me. Don’t touch it.» And gave them a decision.
You want to see real love? You need a choice.
And then He says, the Lord said to him, «It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.»
A sidenote—and I don’t have time to preach all of this—but I don’t know if you noticed, but God gave man three things before He gave him a wife. He gave him a place to live. He gave him a job. And He gave him direction for his life. I’ll let you meditate on that later.
It’s right there: before God gave a man a woman, He gave him a crib, He gave him a job, and He gave him direction—before He gave him a woman.
For somebody single lady—you should add that to your list that you’re believing God for: a place to live, a job, and some direction for his life. You shouldn’t have to help him figure that out.
Verse 19: Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field, all the birds of the air, and He brought them to the man to see what he would name them. And whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.
So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air, and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam, no suitable helper was found.
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man’s ribs and closed it up. Consequently, medical science will tell you the rib is the only bone in the body that, if removed, can grow back on its own. Okay? So God left His fingerprint in you all right.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man and brought her to the man. The man said, «This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man.»
For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
God’s Intent for Marriage
Now my brothers and sisters, this is a very powerful text as it relates to the creation and the origin of human beings and marriage. Here what we have in this text is the creation of what was the very first marriage ever designed by God. It outlines the creation of the marital relationship—the dynamics of that relationship.
And then I want you to notice what God said. God said, as He was looking at Adam, that it was not good for the man to be alone. And so what did He do? He made a decision that marriage was good for the man. So He gave Adam a woman.
Notice what He did not give Adam. He did not give Adam multiple women for his marriage. He did not give Adam a man for his marriage. And He did not give Adam a friend or homeboy. «It’s not good for the man to be alone. I’m gonna give him a homeboy.» No. «I’m gonna give him another man.» No. «I’m gonna give him a woman.» Not multiple women. Not another man. Not a homeboy.
Why? Because God intended that in the covenant of marriage, a man will find all of his relational needs inside of the context of his relationship with his wife—and vice versa. That God intended in the covenant of marriage for spouses to find their deepest fulfillment for relational intimacy and companionship in the context of their marriage.
God never intended for married people to find their need for companionship outside of their marriage. It’s okay to have a friend, but they cannot be the primary person responsible for companionship in your soul.
When your soul—as a married person—is crying out for companionship, you can’t place that charge on your homegirl. You can’t place that charge on your homeboy. You can’t place that charge on your family.
If you’re married, the charge to find your deepest longings for companionship and intimacy of relationship must be placed on your wife and your husband.
That’s why you don’t see me that much anymore—because I’m building something over here.
Personal Testimony on Marriage
And I know that’s not easy because you say, «Old pastor, you talk about being intimate. You don’t know my husband, and you don’t know my wife.» You’re right—I don’t. But you don’t know my wife, and you don’t know me. And you don’t know the first five years of our marriage—how cold and icy it was.
You don’t know how we lived like roommates for five years and did not talk to one another intimately. You don’t know the pain of walking past her in the kitchen and not having nothing to say for five years.
You don’t know what it’s like when we made a decision: «Listen, girl, we gotta do something about this. This is not gonna last.» You don’t know when we made a conscious decision to date one another over again—hard.
You don’t know when we made a decision to look each other in the eye and say, «You crazy. I’m crazy. But we’re not going anywhere. Let’s figure this mess together.»
Yeah, I don’t know your wife, and I don’t know your husband. But you don’t know me, and you don’t know Lena. And I know what it is to have a cold, stressful, frustrating marriage for five years that almost cost me my marriage to Lena.
And I made a decision that we’re not gonna let our flesh or the devil win this battle. We’re going to fight for this thing that God has given us. And «Girl, you need to talk to me 'cause I gotta figure you out.» And «Boy, you need to talk to me because I gotta figure you out.»
I can’t keep running outside of my marriage for relational intimacy and companionship. At some point in time, Lena has to become my best friend, and Phillip has to become her best friend. And we had to fight to bring that about.
Key Phrases in Genesis
A few phrases I want you to notice. The first phrase: «bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.» These Hebrew words were meant to teach us that the man and woman are supposed to have a complementary relationship. And that the Hebrew words here for «bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh» suggest a covenant relationship.
A covenant where circumstances do not alter their relationship. So we are together if we’re blessed, and we’re together if we’re broke. «Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh» means no matter what—we are in a complementary relationship, and circumstances are not going to alter that.
Another phrase I want you to notice here: «leave and be united"—which implies a separation. Meaning that the marriage covenant becomes priority above all other relationships.
If you’re married, you can’t put your friend above your wife, and you can’t put your friend above your husband. That is a sin against God.
Another phrase: «become one flesh"—which implies a union that is fused by intimacy: relational intimacy, sexual intimacy. And that word «become» means process. Process.
Yeah, your wife was crazy at the altar, but God doesn’t give you a perfect spouse. He gives you a good wife in seed form, and He gives you a good husband in seed form. And they become one flesh—they mingle, they merge, they become one.
Why do you expect her to be just perfect from the altar? That’s not realistic. We have to become one flesh. That implies a process of work.
And His last phrase: «naked and had no shame.» Yes, physical nudity—which implies a union that has no barriers: no emotional barriers, no spiritual barriers, no financial barriers—no barriers at all. No sexual barriers. No wedges between them.
That nakedness implies a relationship of complete trust and security. That if you’re married, you have to be growing in trust and security and consistency and faithfulness to one another.
The Perfect Harmony Broken
And what we see, my brothers and sisters—and I’m about to drop a bomb on you—what we see in this first marriage is a perfect dance, a perfect harmony with this man and this woman. And they are naked, and they are loving one another, and they are skipping through the garden, and they’re spending time with one another, and they’re picking off fruit, and they’re eating berries, and they’re having sex with one another, and they’re enjoying one another.
It is beautiful. It is intimate. And they are loving one another. They are enjoying time with one another. God is looking down, and He is smiling. The sun is shining on them. It is this perfect, beautiful union and harmony and intimacy like no one has ever seen before. And it was beautiful.
And then what the Scripture says next will give us the origin of sin, the breakdown of the first marriage, and the beginning of all the problems we face right now.
Genesis chapter 3, verse 1: Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, «Did God really say you must not eat from any tree in the garden?»
That’s why we should not have conversations with the devil except we quote back to him the Word of God. We learned that from Jesus in the temptation.
The woman said to the serpent, «We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'»
«You will not surely die,» the serpent said to the woman. «For God knows that when you eat of it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.»
So he tempted her by saying, «If you eat this, you will be as wise as God.» Ain’t that the temptation right now—that you will be smarter than God? You will be able to govern your own life without the influence of the Almighty.
Don’t we lean into this temptation right now? «You will be able to govern your own life without the influence of God. Don’t you want freedom without God telling you what to do? Don’t you want the freedom to do whatever you want without God saying 'Thou shalt not'?»
And what he’s saying—he takes her eyes off of all that God gave and he makes God a restrictive being: this one thing you can’t touch. So instead of looking at all God gave, they look at the one thing God says you can’t have.
Don’t we do that all the time? Instead of looking at everything God blesses us with, we keep dwelling on what we don’t have. And so our heart is always sick and miserable because we’re always complaining about what we don’t have—what prayer God won’t answer, what God won’t give me. But you can’t be thankful for all that you do have.
And so we try to make God like He’s oppressive, and we don’t like His «thou shalt not.» And she looked and said, «You know what? Screw this. I want life without God telling me what to do.»
The Fall and Its Consequences
And verse 6: When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked. So they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
And what we have here, my brothers and sisters, is what theologians call the Fall of Man. And it is the world we live in right now—that is broken and fallen. And sin enters into the earth.
Notice the pattern of sin: she saw opportunity, she took, acted, she ate, indulged, she gave, she spread. «Come sin with me.» Ain’t that the pattern of sin?
And notice the position of the man: he was with her. So that means he’s standing right there while she’s talking to the serpent, listening to the conversation. He’s watching them have this conversation. And then he watches her pick from the tree God told him, «Don’t touch that.» He watches her eat of the fruit God told him, «Don’t touch.» And then he watches her extend that fruit to him, and he takes it.
He’s standing right there while the devil is wrecking his home. And it shows us the first fundamental breakdown of marriage: the passivity of men.
Who did God give these commandments to? Adam. Who did He say, «Tend that garden»? Adam. Who did He say, «Don’t touch that tree»? Adam. He did not say that to the woman—she was not even created when God first gave those instructions.
That means who was responsible for teaching her? The man. Who was responsible for being the shepherd of that home? The man. But he’s standing there while the devil wrecks his home.
Shows the first sin of men—and it’s still happening today. It frustrates me: passivity. Men who are so passive—right there—let the devil come in and wreck their home. They will not assume their role to lead their homes.
And we see the sin of the first woman: she tried to flex on the role of the man. She stepped into the role of headship, which God did not give her.
And where did that get them? Watch—I’m about to drop a serious bomb on you. And watch what happens next.
You read the rest of Genesis chapter 3. Watch: God comes into the garden. They hear Him walking, and they run. And God says, «Adam, where are you?»
Because God doesn’t want us to run from Him when we sin but to run to Him. But they’re hiding from God in the garden—like they can really hide from God. Like you can really hide from the Lord. «I’m gonna walk away from God. I’m not going to church anymore. I don’t want to be involved anymore.» You just run from Him, but you can’t run from Him because He’ll find you.
And He says, «Adam, where are you? Get out here now.» Who ate first? The woman. Who did He confront first? «Where are you? Come out here.»
And then He punishes the serpent. Now watch what He does—this is so powerful. I love this.
He says to the serpent, «You’re gonna be cursed amongst all animals.» That’s why I hate snakes. «You’re gonna be cursed amongst all life. You’re the most cursed animal on the planet. You’re gonna crawl on your belly all the days of your life.»
Which means that one day—maybe the snake was not a serpent. It probably was upright. That’s why it has no arms and legs.
Then He says to the man, «Because of what you did, for the rest of your life you’re gonna work hard for your earnings—from the sweat of your brow you’re gonna work. Man, you’re gonna get a job and you’re gonna build something, but I’m not gonna hand you anything for free now.»
Let me drop a bomb on you. But what He said to the woman—watch what He says to the woman. It’s crazy what God did. This blew my mind.
Genesis 3:16: He says to the woman, «I will greatly increase your pain in childbearing.» Pause—He already knew. God made good on that promise. If you got a son or daughter—if you had a baby—you know God made good on that promise. God gave you your labor pains. He said, «I will greatly multiply your pains.»
So God gave you pain. We say thank you, men, for epidurals. But watch—let me drop a bomb on you.
But watch: «With pain you will give birth to children. But your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.»
Stop. Okay, stop. I want everybody to stare at this word right here: desire. Just stare at it—desire.
I’ve read this a million times, and I always thought that means that women would just love men deeply—and that’s why we see a lot of ladies in bad relationships and can’t let go. And I thought that makes a good preacher.
Until I looked at this word in the Hebrew language. This word in the Hebrew language means teshuqah—meaning the attempt to control or master another person.
So God said: in the woman will be a bent towards the domination of men. «Your desire—your attempt—will be to dominate your husband, but he will still rule over you.»
What does that set up? Tension. That in the life, in the heart, in the bloodstream of every woman and wife will be a natural tension to try to dominate my husband—with little things, try to control him, try to tell him what to do. It comes out of her naturally because of sin.
But even though she does that, she can’t win—because God did not change her role. Because the man will still rule over her—which sets up an unending battle for control.
«You ain’t gonna tell me how to raise my children. You ain’t gonna tell me I gotta work. You ain’t gonna tell me I gotta cook or clean. You ain’t gonna tell me…» Where did that start? «Your desire will be for your husband, but you will not win because he will still rule over you.»
And so from this very moment—because of sin—there is a permanent tension between men and women in marriage where there’s a constant battle for control.
Don’t believe that? Talk to couples.
And now we see—from that day forward—men and women fighting in marriage. And women trying to dominate men. Don’t believe that? From here, Jezebel comes. Jezebel—trying to dominate King Ahab and causing prophets to run to the mountain.
And then we see a fracture in marriage: men and women fighting in marriage. We see children killing children—didn’t their first son kill the other son? We see men with multiple wives. We see men in multiple relationships. We see men losing their faith because of it. We see husbands and wives fighting. We see marriage completely fractured and destroyed.
And every now and then—when it’s done right—we see just a glimpse of what a marriage was supposed to look like.
While she’s always trying to dominate him—because «your desire will be for your husband.» And where real men don’t put their foot down, women turn them into boys and puppies.
My brothers—look at me. All you married men—you are supposed to have authority in your home. And if you let your wife dominate you, she’s gonna make you a boy. It is a sin against God to be passive. He didn’t take you out your role—although she has tension with you.
And you don’t ease that tension by becoming a boy, and you don’t ease that tension by becoming a puppy. God didn’t remove you from your role—although He put in her heart a will to fight against you.
Stop being passive—not just because she’s strong-willed. That doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be a boy. Her free will does not mean you’re supposed to abdicate your responsibility to rule your home.
God’s Wisdom in the New Testament
From that day forward, men and women—they were fighting, they’re tussling, they’re jostling, they’re fighting for control. Women are dominating men and emasculating them with their words and with their behavior—and turning men into boys and puppies and sissies.
And then passive men don’t know what to do. They’re gonna fight back with anger. They’re gonna fight back with aggression. They’re either gonna be overly aggressive—trying to put their wife in place—or they’re gonna be overly passive to let her have her way.
And that’s been going on for thousands of years.
But God in His wisdom says, «I can’t take away sin—I told you—until Jesus comes back. But I’m gonna give you some help.» So now He sends people like Paul with the New Testament, and He says words like Colossians chapter 3, verse 18.
Because of that tension—why? Because God already knows that tension exists, and it’s not going nowhere. Because He knows He’s not gonna eradicate sin until Jesus returns. That means many women gonna live with this tension until the return of Christ.
So let me help my sons and daughters. Let me give them wisdom to deal with that sin in their flesh.
So He says, «Wives—I know what’s in you—but submit to your husbands.» And then He says, «Why? As fitting in the Lord.» What reason? Because He said so. Why? Because this thing is warring in you to dominate him.
And when you try to do that, you will feel tension with a real man. Only a real man won’t allow it to happen.
So since I don’t want you to have tension in your marriage, wives—I know what’s in you—submit to your husband. Why? Because I know what’s in you. And I don’t want him to try to punch you in your face—submit to him.
You laughing—you’ve never seen a woman chop down a man and then her fist comes behind that? Why? Because «her desire will be for her husband"—her desire will be to control him. So she’ll cut him down with her mouth, thrashing with her behavior and all that—and he will rise up against her.
So God sees this tension. And in His love—because He’s way smarter than you and me—He comes back into the New Testament and says, «Wives—because this is in you—I want you to submit to your husband.»
Submission for the woman is not slavery or servitude. Submission is voluntary accepting of this God-ordained role because it is right. The motivation for submission is the proper Christian attitude for the godly woman.
Submission is part of God’s order and design for the role of the wife in marriage. It is the voluntary taking of a position of submission as a matter of the wife’s relationship to Jesus—that the more she grows in Jesus, the more she understands the beauty of submission.
Submission has nothing to do with worth or value. And to see submission as inferior is unbiblical. Submission is a beautiful thing. As a woman grows in virtue and godliness, she grows in submission to her husband.
And Paul is laying out a functional situation that reflects God’s perfect plan for marriage.
So the wisdom of God calls the wife to submission—why? To avoid the battle of domination.
What to do when submission is difficult? Pray for your husband. Pray for yourself. Be a godly wife—and that will influence him. Seek help. Don’t dominate. Don’t emasculate.
But watch—but because the man still has the position to rule, and because God knows that his wife will fight against him—but because God doesn’t want the wife to be abused—so that He’ll come back and say stuff like this: «Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.»
Watch—He says, «Husbands, love your wives.» This word «love» is the Greek word agape—and it is the action word that husbands love them with no strings attached.
That is: husbands, don’t make them feel like they have to be a certain size for love. Husbands, don’t make them feel like if they put on a few pounds you can’t love them.
That is: husbands, be patient with them. Love them. Don’t be embittered against them. Don’t try to rule them with aggression or force. Run your home with influence and love.
Husbands, love your wives and don’t be harsh or embittered against them. You love them sacrificially. You love them graciously. You love them affectionately. You love them patiently. You engage them. You talk to them. You help them to grow.
Because they will fight against you. And because God wants to protect women from being victims, He tells the man, «Don’t try to go against her domination with aggression—but instead love her.» But don’t be passive.
He says the same thing in Ephesians—and I’m almost done. Ephesians chapter 5, verse 22: He makes it more clear. He said, «Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.»
And so we understand that the marriage dynamic is a picture of Christ and the church. We would not expect believers to rebel against Jesus. But you see a Christian rebelling against Jesus—there’s no different than a wife rebelling against her husband.
So He says, when you see the beauty of Christ and His church, wives—as the church submits to Jesus—submit to your husband that way. What is that? Trusting him. Being submitted to him.
In husbands, He will say to them, «Love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.»
How did Jesus love the church? Was Jesus distant from the church? No—He talks to the church. He guides the church. He loves the church. He invests in the church. He teaches the church. He’s patient with the church.
Husbands—we should be talking to our wives, guiding our wives, loving on our wives—not being distant from our wives. Jesus was not distant from the church. We shouldn’t be distant from them and ignoring them and not spending time with them. We need to love them the way Christ has loved us.
And women should be submitted to their husbands the way that believers are submitted to Jesus.
Then He says to children in Colossians chapter 3: «Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.» And «Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.»
This word «children» has no age. It simply means those who are still under the care of their parents.
And He says to them, «Children, obey your parents in everything.» It is a command for all children to obey. And the motivation for that obedience is just because the Lord said so.
Children and Parents
Let me tell you something right now—I’m speaking especially to Black people. Especially Black people. The Scripture says, «Children, obey your parents.» Obey your parents in the Lord.
And I know—I just hate Black people. You see little Jaquan—he’s so rude and rebellious. And we say, «Oh, he cute. Oh, that’s my little boo boo.» But he cussing out adults. He’s kicking things over in the store, and you can’t control him. You think that’s cute?
Let me tell you something—that is unwise, okay? Disobedience has never been cute. It’s not cute to be disobedient. It’s not cute to see children wild and rebellious and disobedient. That is not cute.
You need to train little Jaquan. You need to train little T to honor you. You need to train them. And not think it’s over—that behavior thing is cute. I don’t think just because they’re one, two, three, four, five—however—nothing because they got big eyes and they cute and puffy cheeks—that disobedience is cute. Disobedience is never cute.
And God tells children to obey your parents. And what is the responsibility of parents? «Train up a child in the way he should go.»
Every time your child gets crazy—that’s a teachable moment to show them the way that they are supposed to live.
This is God’s wisdom for the Christian home. Children are sinners. Husbands and wives are sinners.
And God says to the children—says to the parents: train them up. Psalm 127 tells us that children are gifts from the Lord. So we’re supposed to see them with the right perspective. We can’t see them as just a burden or frustration—they are gifts.
We are not to bruise their soul. We’re not to try to make them angry on purpose. But we are to train them. We have to teach them how to respect adults, teach them how to honor, teach them how to be obedient.
Why? Because that training prepares them for a relationship with God. Some kids are so rebellious, so disrespectful—they don’t respect authority. You can’t tell them what to do. You coddle them and baby them so much. And when they come into a relationship with Jesus, they don’t know how to submit to Him because you failed to train them.
Your child should fear your words. If you speak and they don’t heed your words—that’s a problem. Because when God speaks, we’re supposed to fear Him. That’s why we’re in trouble now—because God speaks, and we don’t fear Him. Nobody has taught us to respect authority.
You can call me old school all you want—we’re supposed to respect authority. So when God speaks, we listen. And when we read, we listen. But some of us as adults don’t do that because no one taught us to respect authority.
When I speak, I expect my children to listen. I’m not gonna be talking two and three times. And if I tell you to do something, I want you to finish what I told you to do—and not halfway.
My mama’s sitting right there. She almost spoke. My mama had to train me. My mother trained me to the point where her voice had weight. She trained me to the point where her eyes had weight.
I was that crazy in a store—my mother opened her eyes wide, and that meant, «Yo, you know what’s coming when we get home. You better straighten up right here in aisle six of Kroger.»
Children are sinners, and they need to be trained.
Closing Personal Reflection
This is God’s wisdom. And Frank, you can help me—I’m about done. I got more I want to say, but you know what? Let me just speak from my heart for just a second because I’m grieved. Because I just see how the devil is just dismantling family.
And my brothers and sisters, I don’t have to use the Bible to convince you this—just look at sociological studies that agree that when we dismantle families, we dismantle society.
My wife and I had a very—just very difficult marriage for five years. We argued. It was cold. For weeks, we didn’t once spend time together. I spent a lot of time outside the house. I’d come home and ignore her. And our marriage was not good.
And we were phony—like some of the people listening to this message wherever you are. Y’all know how this go down: you fight the whole way to church. You walk through the door and say, «Hey, how you doing?» «I’m doing well. Bless the Lord.» And go home to a miserable marriage.
And I’m telling you—it’s one thing to have stress in a job and then go home to a house where there’s misery. And that’s a lot of weight to carry.
And we sat there watching the devil just dismantle families, dismantle marriages, dismantle homes—not realizing that what he’s really dismantling is the image of Christ and the church. That’s why he attacks marriage—he’s trying to attack the image of Christ and the church.
The wisest decision my wife and I ever made is when we made a decision to say, «Listen—we recognize that our flesh has done us damage. The enemy has done us damage. We gotta fight for this thing.»
«Lena, I don’t like you.» «I don’t like you either.» «We gotta figure something out.»
Remember this—and we made a decision: we’re gonna shut out the noise. We even had counseling—how about that? We had no counseling. All we had was the Scriptures and the Holy Spirit.
And I looked my wife in the eyes and I said, «Listen—you know what? We’re gonna fight for this marriage. And for the sake of this—and I’m gonna dig around in this heart and try to figure out who you really are. And you’re gonna do that. And we’re gonna work through this thing.»
«Tell me what about me you don’t like and I need to change. Where am I causing hurt in your life? Where am I failing as a husband and a father? Tell me.» «Okay, I got it. How can I tell you about you?»
And seven years ago, we began a process of putting brick on brick on brick.
We’re now, man—the greatest joy I have now outside of Jesus—when I put my key in the door and the door opens, my wife is at the sink. She turns. She smiles at me—with no words. I can see her affection for me in her eyes.
And my children—they come running at me at top speed. They dive into my arms. And right then—when I step across the threshold of my door—my problems from work and ministry and people—it falls right there on the floor.
My family—they love me. Because I’ve learned—and am learning—to be a good husband, good father.
You step foot in my home—you know what you feel when you walk in my home? You feel peace. You’ve been in my house—you walk in, you feel love. You walk in my home—you know what you see? You see order.
You see a woman submitted to her husband—but doesn’t have to feel like she’s in a lesser role—because the husband loves her like Christ loves the church. There’s agreement—so there’s no need for submission.
We haven’t had an argument, a fight—in five, seven—haven’t had a fight in seven years. Six years—we haven’t fought in six years.
I look at my children, and I see the little disciples that they are. And that doesn’t mean I get everything right. But what I do know is I enjoy going home. And I enjoy what I have right now because of the wisdom of God.
And the first five years—when I thought I was smarter than Him—that was not working out for me well.
My wife and I really decided to put this into practice for our marriage. What I have now—I don’t even know how to describe it. When I talk to people about my home, I just call it a place called «there.» It’s just a place called «there» that we have arrived to as a family that’s so beautiful. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
You can strip me of this church. You can strip me of every dollar in my bank account. You can strip me of everything I have. If I have Jesus and I get to enjoy what my wife and I have built over there—I have everything that I need to bounce back from anything that I go through.
My brother—it is worth the fight to love your wife like Christ loved the church and to stand in your role like a man and stop being a boy.
And my sister—it is worth the fight to love your husband and to be submitted to him.
And single people—it is worth the fight to pray for your friends who are married. And it is worth it to get your own life together before you roll up into marriage.
God has given us wisdom for the Christian family. And it doesn’t matter how society tries to define it or what blogs try to define it or how social media tries to define it—God has given us wisdom for the Christian family.
And if we follow His wisdom, we will flourish. You can take that to the bank, my brothers and sisters. Amen.
Prayer
Father, in the name of Jesus, I thank You, God, for this word. I thank You for an opportunity to share this truth.
God, I want to pray for every married person in this room and every married person listening to me right now on podcast or watching this message wherever they are. I’m praying for people who are in tough marriages, tough circumstances, difficulty, trials, and tribulations.
I pray for the husband and wife who are tired and weary and frustrated, God. I pray for them—that You will not leave them in that state, but in Your love You would minister to them right where they are. That You would give them hope for the future and help them to know that it is not over. It does not have to end where it is.
That the husband can change. The wife can change. They can make it. They can have a strong, healthy marriage, God. That there is hope for their circumstance.
God, I pray You put a fight in them today. I pray, God, You will put a righteous indignation against the enemy in them today. I pray You would cause them to start over today.
I pray You would teach the wives in our churches to be submitted to their husbands and to teach the husbands in our churches to be godly men who love their wives—that make it easy for them to submit.
God, I pray for the husbands in our churches—that You would give them the wisdom to lead their homes with strength and with equity and with justice and with love. Help them not to be passive. Help them not to abdicate their responsibility, God.
For our women are tired and weary of trying to be men and women. God, I pray for our men—that they would rise up, that they would take their rightful role—even if it causes tension. I pray it would take them right for Him to become, God, the loving husbands. And they would love the heck out of their wives.
And I pray for our women, God—that they would see beauty in letting their men be the authoritative head of their homes.
I pray for children—that they would learn to obey their parents in everything. And that You would give parents the wisdom, God, to train their children in the way that they should go—with discipline and love and gracious patience.
God, the devil’s after marriages in this room. And I know there are people tired who are listening. I pray that Satan would not win and the flesh would not win—but these marriages would endure until You come back and get us.
God, I pray for the one who has lost a marriage—who feels guilty or they’re hurting right now. God, let them not condemn themselves. Help them to know that You don’t condemn them. Help them to know that they can learn from their mistakes. That should they marry again—help them to use Your word, God, to know how to do it right the next time.
And Father, I pray for the single people in this room. I pray, God, You would help them to see that marriage is not the promised land and they don’t have to feel less of a person because they’re single. Help them to see the beauty of their singleness—that they have time to give to You that we married people do not.
Help them, Father, to see that they are whole all by themselves in You. And Father, should it be Your will for them to have a spouse, God—I pray You would prepare them and prepare a godly spouse for them. I pray they would have standards that don’t go against the Word of God.
God, I pray a blessing over the couples in this room, the children in this room, the families in this room—that the families in this church and the ones listening—they will flourish. They will flourish. No matter what it costs us, I pray we will fight for it—that they would flourish.
In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
God, I want to pray for every married person in this room and every married person listening to me right now on podcast or watching this message wherever they are. I’m praying for people who are in tough marriages, tough circumstances, difficulty, trials, and tribulations.
I pray for the husband and wife who are tired and weary and frustrated, God. I pray for them—that You will not leave them in that state, but in Your love You would minister to them right where they are. That You would give them hope for the future and help them to know that it is not over. It does not have to end where it is.
That the husband can change. The wife can change. They can make it. They can have a strong, healthy marriage, God. That there is hope for their circumstance.
God, I pray You put a fight in them today. I pray, God, You will put a righteous indignation against the enemy in them today. I pray You would cause them to start over today.
I pray You would teach the wives in our churches to be submitted to their husbands and to teach the husbands in our churches to be godly men who love their wives—that make it easy for them to submit.
God, I pray for the husbands in our churches—that You would give them the wisdom to lead their homes with strength and with equity and with justice and with love. Help them not to be passive. Help them not to abdicate their responsibility, God.
For our women are tired and weary of trying to be men and women. God, I pray for our men—that they would rise up, that they would take their rightful role—even if it causes tension. I pray it would take them right for Him to become, God, the loving husbands. And they would love the heck out of their wives.
And I pray for our women, God—that they would see beauty in letting their men be the authoritative head of their homes.
I pray for children—that they would learn to obey their parents in everything. And that You would give parents the wisdom, God, to train their children in the way that they should go—with discipline and love and gracious patience.
God, the devil’s after marriages in this room. And I know there are people tired who are listening. I pray that Satan would not win and the flesh would not win—but these marriages would endure until You come back and get us.
God, I pray for the one who has lost a marriage—who feels guilty or they’re hurting right now. God, let them not condemn themselves. Help them to know that You don’t condemn them. Help them to know that they can learn from their mistakes. That should they marry again—help them to use Your word, God, to know how to do it right the next time.
And Father, I pray for the single people in this room. I pray, God, You would help them to see that marriage is not the promised land and they don’t have to feel less of a person because they’re single. Help them to see the beauty of their singleness—that they have time to give to You that we married people do not.
Help them, Father, to see that they are whole all by themselves in You. And Father, should it be Your will for them to have a spouse, God—I pray You would prepare them and prepare a godly spouse for them. I pray they would have standards that don’t go against the Word of God.
God, I pray a blessing over the couples in this room, the children in this room, the families in this room—that the families in this church and the ones listening—they will flourish. They will flourish. No matter what it costs us, I pray we will fight for it—that they would flourish.
In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.