Peter Tan-Chi - Intimacy
Greetings! In the name of our awesome Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We've covered the 8 secrets of long-term influencing. How we influence the hearts of those we love, our children, our friends. First, Example; Second, Open Communication; Third, Time. Today we will discuss Intimacy. You notice. All these principles, from the first to the fourth principle, are all related. In other words, all these principles must be applied. You can't be picky. Exemplary Principle. Children imitate us, whether we like it or not. Principles of Open Communication. You need to have Open Communication to open the hearts of our loved ones. You need to put in the time, and when you put all this into practice, it will eventually lead to Intimacy.
What is the principle of Intimacy? This is the principle, Intimacy means the closer the relationship, the greater the influence. I repeat. The closer the relationship, the greater the influence. The Bible is very clear, in 1 Corinthians 15:33 it says: "Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good habits". Did you know this? This is a warning. Don't be fooled, don't be stupid. Bad company, people you spend time with, people close to you, people you are intimate with, sooner or later will affect your life, and will destroy good habits. Therefore what is meant by Intimacy?
The word "intimacy" means closeness, familiarity, deep friendship, mutual dependence. So when you're intimate with someone, there's a sense of openness. There is a feeling that you are loved, that you are appreciated. This amazing feeling, surpasses any other feeling. What do I mean? Although these feelings can be recognized, they must be experienced and accepted. It's one thing to be loved without knowing and it's another thing to know if you're loved. Intimacy is the wonderful idea that you know you are loved, you are accepted, you are appreciated. The relationship is transparent, you don't need to hide.
Intimacy. God created us for relationships. We all want deep relationships. To be loved, but not fully known means the relationship is shallow. Knowing that not being loved hurts, you feel rejected. To be fully known and still be fully loved is an affirming thing. That's how God loves us and how He wants us to love each other. Remember. We were created for relationships. We were created for intimacy. If our children don't experience that intimacy, if they don't find that intimacy at home, sooner or later they will be attracted to other people, to their friends. Before you know it, you have lost your influence. God created us for relationships. He created us for intimacy. And you experience that intimacy through Christ, through God's unconditional love and acceptance.
So here's the principle: the quality of our relationships determines the weight of our influence. Psychologists have found that one of the biggest pressures that affects teenagers' lives is called peer pressure. In Tagalog "Barkada". The closer children are to their parents, the less they are influenced by their peers. This is something parents must understand, the closer children are to their parents, the less they are influenced by their peers, by their friends, and vice versa.
Several years ago, my son was about to join the varsity team. One of the team's initiations is drinking alcohol until you get drunk. But by the grace of God, he was able to refuse it. What makes him stand up to pressure? He promised his sisters, they had a close relationship. My son has a close relationship with us. Above all, he had a relationship with God. He wants to please God. That is the power of "Intimacy" Who influences our children today? Who influences your life today? Like it or not, the world, the media, school, our friends, all have an influence on the lives of young people today, including your own. Biological connection does not guarantee a good relationship. Just because you are your child's father or mother, doesn't mean you will have a good relationship with your children.
Remember this principle, rule without relationships leads to rebellion. Truth without relationship leads to rejection. This is why, Intimacy is important. When you and I want to influence the hearts of our children, the hearts of our friends, make sure you develop relationships. Jesus knew this, that's why He said: 'If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.' You have to see the Heart of God. God wants us to know that intimacy with Him is important, because you love God and you know He loves you. What will happen to you? The foundation is the overflow of our relationship with Jesus and with God. Can you imagine if your children would learn to love you as a parent, your children would obey you, and your children would learn to love God we will obey God.
God created us for relationships. That's why family is so important. That's why God created the church, a spiritual family. A spiritual family is where we find love and intimacy. Why? For some people, they don't have a physical family that doesn't work and God says "Don't be afraid, I give you a spiritual family". people who become loners, why? They don't understand community life. They don't have that experience. Some of us have been hurt by abusive parents, friends who insult us. Because you want to protect yourself emotionally, you distance yourself from others. Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt again.
So you build walls around you. You don't want intimacy or are afraid of losing control, because you are afraid that by being vulnerable, people will take advantage of you. Did you know, this is Satan's tactic to make you a loner and not part of the community. Did we know that the Bible gives us the solution, there are more than 100 verses that talk about "mutual". Love each other, build each other up, care for each other, help each other carry burdens, forgive each other, all of these are "mutual" verses. You cannot fulfill any of these commandments unless you are part of a small group and that is why I believe small group discipleship begins at home. Apply this to your home life, apply this in your small groups, apply this as you disciple your friends.
How do you develop intimacy, how do you develop deep relationships? I suggest, deliberately focus on the heart, why? Many parents are sincere but their sincerity is wrong. They want to influence their children through intimidation. When your children are small, it is very easy to intimidate them. You raise your voice, snapping. Often when they grow up, we want to influence them with money. As they get older, if you are not careful, you will use your inheritance to manipulate them. This is not the best way to influence your children's hearts. What you want to do is influence their hearts, and that means you have to connect emotionally. It's like dating.
How do you call someone? How do you connect emotionally? Remember what I have shared with you, to connect emotionally, you have to do what we learned earlier. Exemplary principle. Why? Because by example you will get respect. It wins the hearts of your children. Next, open communication, why? Because open communication will help you find out what their fears are, what your children's hopes are. Open communication allows you to know what's going on in their hearts and that's why open communication is part of building intimacy. What About Time? You need time, why? Because Time will help you build an experience of intimacy. Maybe this is the first time you've heard the term. You should know there are different types of intimacy.
Biological intimacy, parent-child-child. Then there is emotional intimacy, feeling, sharing. Then there is the experience of intimacy. When you do something together, do you notice the principles you've learned are at the heart of all these kinds of intimacy? And the most important thing is spiritual intimacy. Why is it so important? Because the Bible tells us, we are not just physical beings, we are spiritual beings in physical bodies and that is why it is important for us to build spiritual bonds.
That's why my question to all of us is "Are you willing to intentionally pray with your children, start studying the Bible with your children. Have you introduced them to Jesus"? If you want true unity, true intimacy, you need to include the spiritual aspect of that union. That's why parents must realize that we need to take advantage of all the opportunities that exist to build intimacy. I asked my son and daughter-in-law to share with us, how we have implemented these principles in our family and how they are now implementing them in theirs.
Praise God for Paul and Jenny's incredible testimony. Have you noticed anything? You have to do it intentionally, you have to have communication, you have to be open, share your vulnerabilities, but the reality is we need to earn their trust as well. That's why I like to speak to all parents, to all leaders, Handle relationships with care, relationships are fragile, you have to take care of them. For example you have a good relationship with your children but if you are not careful and you become careless as they grow older and you start to lose patience. You start screaming at them. it will erode intimacy. So be careful about losing your temper or shouting, negative words, saying something carelessly, it can hurt their spirit.
What about favoritism? Favoritism can affect relationships. Can affect intimacy. Be careful with gossip. Because they want to believe you, but if you start sharing with them what you hear from other people, do you think they will believe you, if you are the one gossiping? What about not keeping your commitments, not keeping your word? Children have amazing memories. I remember my grandchildren, they will remember what I promised. I am very careful to keep my commitments. I am very careful to keep my promises. What about unresolved pain ? Do you ignore it and hope it will go away by itself? This is something I always remind people, be careful not to underestimate your children, even when they are small.
The Bible is very clear: "Everything you wish that people would do to you, do likewise to them". I apply it to my children. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Even though they are still children. You need to respect them. And you apply the same principles of respect to your friends, to your family and siblings. Children to parents, friends to friends. You must implement the principle of mutual respect. Realize conflict is inevitable. Nobody is perfect, no family is perfect. You will disappoint each other, that's the truth. With what you say, with what you don't say. When people are disappointed, there will be misunderstandings, there may be disagreements. What would you do?
This is where you need to learn these principles. If you want to build intimacy, learn to restore relationships, learn to restore friendships. How do you do it? Do it deliberately. You need to realize that something needs to be done. Learn to solve it God's way. In Matthew 5:23-24, the Bible tells us: "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and first go and be reconciled to your brother, then return to present your offering".
I want you to notice how serious and important peace is. The context is "you offer offerings at the altar". In other words, you will worship God. What is more important than worshiping God? This is a priority but then the Bible says "and you remembered something that was in your brother's heart". In other words, you realize, something is not right in your relationship. Now what should you do? You ignore it and continue to worship God? Jesus tells us don't do that. "...leave your offerings before the altar". Whatever you are doing in worship, stop first. What should you do? "go make peace with your brother first", Mend the relationship and then "then come back to present your offering".
Jesus wants us to learn something, although worship is important, improving relationships is part of worship. God says, you want to worship Me, good, part of worshiping God is improving relationships with brothers and sisters. Romans 12:18-19: "If it is possible, if it depends on you, live at peace with everyone"! Take note. "As far as possible", live peacefully. It is implied here that it is not always possible to make peace. The Bible tells us: "Beloved, do not seek vengeance yourselves, but give place to the wrath of God, for it is written: Vengeance is Mine. It is I who will exact vengeance, says the Lord".
For reconciliation to occur, you must be willing to give up revenge, you must give up your right to be right. You leave that to God. The Bible says, it's okay, be patient, wait on God. You cannot force peace. Ephesians 4:1-3: "Therefore I urge you, I, who was imprisoned for God, that your lives as those who have been called be in accordance with that call". Paul is now speaking to believers, to followers of Jesus. "I beg you very much, I ask you to live as people who have been called equals". What is this about? Read the next verse, pay attention. "Always be humble, gentle and patient. Show your love by helping each other. And try to maintain the unity of the Spirit through the bonds of peace".
As believers, we must know God's heart, in this case relationships. And the Bible tells us: "Always be humble, gentle and patient...and strive to maintain..." To strive here means to make a serious effort to maintain "unity of spirit". Be sensitive to wounded spirits. What is a wounded spirit? In Tagalog: "Nasaktan". You hurt, you hurt their feelings. Can I give an example of what the symptoms are? If suddenly your children become quiet, they don't talk to you anymore, they withdraw, they try to avoid you, they try to avoid eating with you, with your friends, they stop answering, they avoid you, when they being critical, when they get sarcastic, and you're surprised, "where is all this coming from"? Can I tell you? It's called a wounded spirit, If you feel something is wrong in the practice.
My wife and I, practice this, our D group practices this, our Pastors practice this. We practice this with our children. What are the three most important questions? Let's start with question number one, sincerely ask "How can I improve myself"? I remember, we were at a breakthrough family conference, and I brought my five kids and their spouses, 10 adults in all, and we did this exercise, "How can I improve myself"? I was really surprised when they started sharing. I hope this exercise will be quick, because we have been doing this for years. Would you believe it, most of their suggestions on how I could improve were not directed at my wife, they were directed at me, and you know what they said to me? Dad, we want you to learn to listen more. Oh my, more listening. That's what they said all along, and then they added, we want dad to spend more time with us.
My advice, when they give you advice, be quiet. Don't defend yourself, don't explain. I am silent, my wife is silent. Question number two: "How did I hurt you"? Man, this is scary. I remember one time I was driving with my son, he was already 30, and I asked my son, "How have I hurt you"? To my surprise, my son shared what hurt him 15 years ago. When I hear it, I remind myself to be quiet, don't defend myself. Of course I shed tears. I asked him. I said "Son, will you forgive Daddy"? Brothers and sisters, this is why intimacy can be restored.
The principle is this: you have nothing to prove, but everything to improve. So don't get defensive, don't reply, just listen. When you ask these questions, you provide a place for them to open up. The moment you react, you close the door to intimacy. When you listen and receive with humility, you open the door to intimacy. After listening to them, you should thank them, you should say thank you for sharing with me. And you can add "I know it's not easy for you to open up, but I really appreciate this. If you see I'm not doing things right, please come to me anytime. I really want to change. I really want to improve".
The Bible says: "And all this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to Himself and who has entrusted us with the ministry of reconciliation. For God was reconciling the world to Himself through Christ, not counting their trespasses against them. He has entrusted the news of reconciliation to us". I want us to notice the following, the emphasis is on the word "atonement". The Bible tells us, atonement comes from God. All comes from God "reconciling us to himself" through Christ. The key to reconciliation with God is Jesus. Why? Because Jesus died on the cross for our sins. "entrusting the ministry of reconciliation to us".
Pay attention to the order. When we experience His reconciliation, we must reconcile, we must help others reconcile. In other words, the key to reconciliation is Christ. God is in Christ. "Reconciling the world to Himself". The most important aspect of atonement is forgiveness. "By not taking into account their transgressions". To restore relationships, relationships, the basis is forgiveness. But it is very difficult to forgive, unless we experience God's forgiveness. Reconciliation with God is only possible through forgiveness.
In Ephesians 4: 31-32: "All bitterness, anger, anger, strife and slander must be removed from among you, as well as all evil. But be kind to one another, full of affection and forgiving one another, as God is in Christ has forgiven you". We have problems with God because of sin. We need to be at peace with God and that is only possible through Jesus. Because only Jesus paid the penalty for our sins. So reconciliation with God begins when we admit that we have sinned against God, and when we accept what Christ has done for us. Once we experience forgiveness, who are we, if we do not forgive others. Once we experience God's forgiveness, we can forgive others.
So my prayer is, today you will understand the importance of peace. You can see the importance of intimacy, and we desperately need reconciliation to experience intimacy with loved ones, with friends, with each other. If God has spoken to you and you realize that you need to first experience intimacy with God through Jesus. I want to wish you. Prayer by which you will personally receive God's forgiveness. Where you receive God's means of reconciliation through Jesus, let us pray.
God Father in Heaven, I realize I have a problem. I have sinned against You. I need to make peace with You. I want to forgive others, but I find it difficult to forgive. Would You Jesus come into my heart. I accept Your forgiveness. I receive the gift of eternal life from You. Lord Jesus, thank you for the forgiveness of my sins. Thank you Jesus for reconciling me with God, with God. Now I receive Your gift of forgiveness, Your gift of eternal life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.