Peter Tan-Chi - Open Communication

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Greetings in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Last week, we started the MOTIVATE series. 8 important Biblical principles on how to influence your children, loved ones and students. Quick review. 8 secrets to influencing the heart for long-term impact:

M: Modeling.
O: Open Communication.
T: Time.
I: Intimacy.
V: Vision.
A: Affirmation.
T: Train.
E: Entrust.

Have you ever wondered or wished that you could know the hearts of your children, your students, your loved ones. What do they think, what do they hope for, what are their dreams, what are their fears, what are their worries. How can you know the hearts of those you love, especially your children? Nowadays, there are many machines that can physically see the heart. For example electrocardiogram, ultrasound, MRI, chest X-Ray, CAT Scan, whatever it is, these machines can only see the heart physically. But the truth is: you want to see or know your children's hearts. The Bible gives us insight into how to see and know the hearts of your loved ones, your students, and your children.

This is found in Luke 6:45 which tells us: "...for what his mouth spoke, overflowed his heart". In another translation "People say the things that are in their hearts". In other words, the mouth is the echo chamber of the heart. If you want to know about the heart, listen to what the mouth says. Because there is a close relationship. The principle of open communication is just this. Open communication opens your children's hearts. Open communication opens the hearts of your students. You can start to see and understand.

What does open mean? Open communication is heart-to-heart communication. At a time when every party, children, parents, disciples, students, can freely share thoughts and ideas without fear of feeling judged, condemned, or scolded. They can feel safe to talk about any topic. They feel safe sharing, expressing their concerns, their opinions. Even if they don't agree, they still feel safe. From what? From anger, from negative reactions. Examples of negative reactions, When you hear people talking, be careful, don't say: "What? Why do you think that"? When you do that, they will shut down. And you've just stopped open communication. Or when you raise your voice or get angry. The Bible gives us principles.

James 1:19-20. Let's read together. This is very important. "O my beloved brothers, remember this: everyone should be quick to listen, but slow to speak, and also slow to get angry;" We usually do the opposite. We are quick to speak and get angry. The Bible says don't do that. Hurry to hear. This is an order, a command sentence. "Everyone should" is the verb that is now taking place. What should you always be? Ready to listen, quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to get angry. Why? "...for human anger does not work righteousness before God".

Often we think that by being angry we will achieve God's goals. The Bible is very clear. Human anger does not and will not serve God's purposes. So what does it mean to be quick to hear? Yes, being quick to listen means you have to be intentional. When I say intentionally, develop the habit of listening, because many times, we would rather lecture, we would rather talk than listen. I note, this is something I am still learning and need to learn. Every time we do a 360 degree evaluation, meaning I ask my children to evaluate me, my wife, we do a 360 degree evaluation. Our servants of God evaluate me, my staff evaluates me, we do this regularly. Do you believe what they tell me to fix?

Listen. Listen more. You know, many parents are very sincere but they fail to understand. When you are angry, you automatically cut off open communication. Because children are watching us. They pay attention to your facial expressions. Their thinking, "Is it safe to open up"? Many of you are familiar with this famous Filipino grass. Her name is Makahiya. When you touch it, the grass will close itself. This means: be careful. When you react, your children will shut down. If you raise your voice, they will shut down. If you show a negative reaction, they will shut down. So disciplers and parents, be careful. Make sure you have open communication. Be slow to react.

Proverbs 18 tells us: "If anyone gives an answer before he listens, that is his folly and his shame". In other words, listen until the end before you draw conclusions. People usually say, there is a generation gap. But my wife and I usually say that it's not a generation gap but a communication gap. The key to open communication is listening, listening, listening. If you want to avoid the generation gap, learn to listen, listen, listen. Take note. When our children were little, they loved asking and talking to us. But as they get older what do you notice? They will spend a lot of time with their teenage friends. They will play on cell phones, they will play on iPads, they will text and communicate.

May I tell you why? They realize their friends' friends are opening up. They can share, they can communicate without being judged. The more you listen, the more you understand. And the more you understand, the more you can communicate. The more you can communicate, the better your influence. Ultimately, it's about influencing the hearts of our children. How can you influence the hearts of your children, if you do not know what is in their hearts. Often open communication is hampered. Why? Because we are too busy, there is no time. When they talk to us, we do other things and don't focus. We answer quickly, we don't wait for them to finish talking. And worst of all, we react negatively.

How do you learn to listen? I recommend "Five A" a listen. Is "Five A" listening? A. Always Available, A. Attention, A. Attitude, A. Ask Questions, A. All Topics. Firstly, always be there when your child speaks. Be careful. Never give them a busy sign. Don't let them feel like you are too busy to talk to them. I'll give you an example. I have a policy at work, I will take any call from my kids so my kids know they are prioritized. If I'm in the study, they can come at any time. Why? Because they know I would stop anything just to listen to them.

Don't give the impression that your ministry is more important, your work is more important, your friends are more important. Be careful of being hasty. Be careful of heated discussions. Be careful of quick answers. And when they talk, let them finish talking. Let them finish their words. Don't interrupt. That's the meaning of "always there". Ask questions that get their feelings out. The next principle is "mindfulness".

Give them your full attention. Eye contact. Don't think about anything else while they are talking. Concentration. No distractions, no cell phones, no iPads. Don't watch television and only see them during commercials. Just focus on them. In our family, we have a schedule. We love talking over dinner without any distractions. After dinner we went for a walk together. Why? Because when we walk, we like to talk, we like to share ideas. So how do you listen? What's first? Do you remember?

"Always be there", "Careful", and have the "right attitude", an attitude of love. You know, people don't realize, you wouldn't be "attentive" or "always there" if you weren't truly motivated by love. Someone once said "Love's first duty is to listen". "Listening is love in action". If you love someone, you will definitely make time. When you're dating, what do you pay attention to? You become very attentive, you listen well because there is love. You are very focused. You want to know what your boyfriend said.

I remember, my wife once challenged me to lose weight. No, I'm not fat, just big. 86 kg. Do you believe that? Because I am the target, I listen, I pay attention. Within a year, when we got married, my weight dropped to 72-75 kg. It's over 40 years later, and I still weigh the same. 72-75 Kg. You see? When there is love, you are interested in listening. Let me ask you: are you really interested in knowing what's in your children's hearts? Are you truly interested in knowing what's in your students' hearts? Love them. Be willing to listen.

How do you listen? Ask questions. Ask open questions. Don't ask questions that can be answered "Yes" or "No". Example: "How are you feeling"? "What's on your mind"? Let them share, don't be afraid to listen. I teach parents, if your children don't like going to church, don't force them. Ask them why they don't want to go to church. Why don't they join a small group? You ask the question, find the answer, and once they give you the answer, paraphrase the answer, making sure you understand. But don't look surprised. Don't look angry. Because you want to hear. You want them to continue.

The Bible tells us in Proverbs 20:5: "The thoughts in a man's heart are like deep waters, but a wise man draws them out". Pay attention to what the Bible says, what is in the heart is like deep waters. But smart people can pick it up. So learn to ask. The most important thing in open communication is hearing what is not said. You pay attention to body language, you try to hear the tone of their voice, and you try to see their eyes, their face and their expressions. You want to know how they feel.

I remember discussing several things with my adult children. I am surprised. I saw tears. I realized it was very important, it was very important for me to listen behind the words and really listen to the heart. Why is my adult child crying? There must be something important. Thank God, we can solve it. Learn to understand the unspoken words that come from the heart. I want you to hear the testimony of my daughter Dr. Candy McComb and her husband, Dr. Jeff McComb on open communication.

Praise God for open communication. Open communication opens hearts and brings you closer to each other. Open Communication consists of the 5 A's of listening. "There always is". Always take your time. Don't give a busy sign. "Attention", give full attention. Let them know they are not a burden, show interest. Open communication means what? You have the right "attitude". You love and are attracted to them and you "ask". You really want to know what they're really saying. So ask questions and you paraphrase.

Lastly, you should be aware that "all topics" are open. Don't say, this topic can't be discussed. Because like what my daughter shared, all topics. Why? That's what open communication means. I asked my wife to share her story about open communication. Let's welcome my wife.

Deonna Tan-Chi: As Peter said, our children need to feel safe talking about anything. When our daughter went to college, she fell into a group that liked to party and drink. He'd never done that before. One evening, he came home and said while eating "Dad, Mom, I like to drink". In fact, sometimes your children will say things that are surprising to you. At first I wanted to react but then I remembered. I took a deep breath and said "Is that so, darling? Why do you say that"?

So we let him express his opinion and after he talked for a while, I asked "Can you tell me? I grew up in a military family and saw many people who drank alcohol socially and then became alcoholics. I'm afraid it will be difficult for you to stop". We prayed for him and I prayed for him. We didn't scold him. We're just trying to process it. One evening, he came home from St. McGill, a popular destination for young people at that time. He got into bed and said "I will die from secondhand smoke".

In my mind, this is progress. And then, after that, a few weeks later he came home and said "Mom, Dad I've been thinking hard. I'm a follower of Jesus but my lifestyle doesn't reflect that. I'm not spiritually impacting my friends' lives through my behavior. So I decided to live differently. To follow Jesus and honor Him". Then he turned to us and said "Thank you for walking beside me on my journey". That's a picture of open communication. It's actually a coach's approach where we help them think by asking questions and being there for them to support them. God bless you.

As we wrap up this session, I will share a few verses to encourage you about the importance of open communication. After listening, what do you think? The Bible explains in Ephesians 4:15: "But by holding fast the truth in love we grow in all things toward Him, Christ who is the Head". What do you notice about this verse? We must balance telling the truth with love. Often we only speak the truth. But the truth hurts so much. So you balance it with love. Often people focus on love. But they are afraid to tell the truth. Open communication means sharing things in truth and love. What is the main goal? It says here, "we grow in all things toward Him, Christ who is the head".

So when I share something with my children and students, my heart's goal is to help them become more like Christ. Often we correct family members for selfish reasons. We want to change them for our convenience. What I learned is this. I share the truth with them out of love, so that they become more like Christ. Not for my selfish reasons but to bring them closer to God. When you begin to learn how to respond in love and truth. You will be able to apply this wonderful principle in Proverbs 15 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger".

Take note. Communication is learning how to respond gently in love. If you overreact or get angry do you know what will happen? Look at verse 2: "The tongue of the wise brings forth knowledge," You will not achieve your goal, because your words are not well received. But if you learn to communicate with love and gentleness, you will be effective.

Remember. Listen to understand before you speak to be understood. As a disciple and parent, I want to remind us all that we represent our God. We do not want to be a stumbling block in someone's relationship with God. We want to be tools and catalysts for God's Spirit to influence and change the lives of our students and children for His glory. Open communication is key. Open communication opens hearts because they know they are understood. They know they are loved. And God's Spirit and God's Word can do His powerful work. Hopefully this will be a blessing for all of us.