Paul Daugherty - How to Overcome Loneliness
Summary
Pastor Paul preaches from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 that two are truly better than one, because friends lift each other when they fall, provide warmth and protection, and form a strong threefold cord that's not easily broken. He stresses that we're not meant to live independently but to lean on one another in genuine community and friendship, just like biblical examples of David and Jonathan or Moses with Aaron and Hur. The conclusion is a call to recognize our need for others, embrace our role in friendships, and actively build relationships that carry both burdens and celebrations to honor God and strengthen the church.
See full text below.
Better Together: Lean on Me
Come on, everybody say, “Better together.” Well, if you have a Bible, go to Ecclesiastes chapter 4. Woo! Want to welcome our Manford Campus, North Campus, and our online campus out there. I want to talk to you today about leaning on me. Somebody say, “Lean on me.” Ecclesiastes chapter 4. The wisest king in his time, King Solomon, wrote these words.
Verse 9: “Two are better than one.” Come on, that’s good right there! He who finds a wife finds a good thing, but I’ll say this: he who finds a friend finds a good thing. We were never meant to do life alone. Two are better than one. Two things just go better together. Come on, it’s like beef and cheddar; it’s better together. It’s like salt and pepper; better together.
Like Batman and Robin; better together. Like Starsky and Hutch; better together. Like mac and cheese; better together. Like you and victory; better together. Like me and this jacket; better together. Like me and Ashley; better together. Come on, how many of y’all know there’s some things that just go better together? Like, you’re good on your own, but you are so much better when you are with that person, when you are together.
The Power of Two
And this is what he says: he says, “Listen, two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor.” Jesus said, “One can put a thousand to flight, but two can put ten thousand to flight.” You know, Jesus talked about the power in numbers, the power in relationships. We’re living in a society that has become toxically independent, that we love to just operate on our own, DIY, do it yourself, be your own.
Like, you can handle this Lone Ranger mindset, Superman complex. I got this; I don’t need friends; I don’t need people; I don’t care. And it is anti-Gospel. The word of God is a call to community; it’s a call to friendship. We need each other. Tell that person next to you, “We need each other.” We need each other.
It says, “For if they fall, one will lift up his companion, but woe to him who is alone when he falls.” So I thought I’d sit down at this piano. What key are you in, Carlos? See, come on, Carlos, that sounds good! Give it up for Carlos! “Lean on me when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend. I’ll help you carry on, for it won’t be long 'til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.
You just call on your brother when you need a hand. We all need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that you understand; we all need somebody to lean on.” All right, give yourself a hand! “You’ve got a friend in me. You’ve got a friend in me. When the road looks rough ahead and you’re miles and miles from your nice warm bed, just remember what your old pal said, boy, you got a friend in me.”
Friendship in Action
We’re going to get there! We’re going to get there! All right, here we go! You remember this song? Carlos, just play this with me for a second. You know the high note or just the low note? Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, here we go! We’re going to figure it out! All right, here we go! This is like friendship. It’s just awkward at first, but you get there.
Man, I messed that up. Give Carlos a big hand! We didn’t even practice that; we were just figuring it out. Somebody say, “Lean on me.” So this is what King Solomon is saying: he’s saying, “Listen, we need each other! We need each other because, when one man falls, he has a friend who will lift him up.” I need some help for a second.
Daniel, step up here; you’re going to be my friend, and we’re going to catch each other because this is what friendship looks like. The world has messed up friendship between men, y’all. God designed men to have good male friends. David had Jonathan, right? Jesus had Peter, James, and John. Paul has Daniel so he can catch me, so I can catch you. Daniel, I got you! Yeah, we need friends! Woody needed Buzz Lightyear, and Buzz Lightyear needed Woody. We need each other!
But here’s what happens: he says, “Woe to the man who is alone when he falls,” right? For he has no one to help him up. If you don’t have a friend, if you don’t have someone to catch you. So, Daniel, I want you to—are you okay? Falling? Okay, the stage is not that hard; it’s not that bad, so just go ahead! Yeah, my bad; it’s not my problem; not my friend.
But you see that? That was sad. You were like, “That is so rude.” But a lot of us are doing this to people these days. Like, “I’m too busy; I got too much going on; I’m too task-driven; I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to help you right now.” Right? I’m too relationally—like, and we become really bad friends. And I know y’all are mad at me right now, so I’m going to help him back up. Come on now; I’ll do it, Daniel.
Let me fall this time, okay? ‘Cause y’all are like, “He needs to get even.” Okay, here we go. No, don’t catch me! I didn’t catch you, right? Give Daniel a big hand! Somebody say, “Lean on me.” He says, “Listen, how can someone stay warm when they’re all alone?” Verse 12: “Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him, and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
United for His Return
We are designed to be united and connected in relationship. Hebrews 10:24 was talking about end times, and it was talking about when Jesus gets ready to come back for the church. And I believe he’s coming back soon! He’s coming back soon! Somebody say, “He’s coming back soon!” It says, “Before he comes back, he’s not coming back for a Lone Ranger Church.
He’s not coming back for a bunch of independent, ‘I only go to church when I feel like it; I’m not connected to people.’ You know, he’s coming back for a bride that’s united, a bride that’s together—the hand connected to the arm, connected to the body, connected to the foot—all of us working together.” In verse 24, it says, “Therefore, let us consider one another. Let us consider one another. Let us stir up love with each other.” Jesus is coming back for a united church!
You know, I look at Acts chapter 2. When Pentecost happened, the Holy Spirit was poured out, and people began to prophesy, speaking in tongues, healing happens, salvation happens, and we get excited! We’re like, “Woo!” You know, the ingredients that led to Pentecost: verse 1 says they were all united together; they were all in one accord—not a Honda Accord, but legit in one accord, united—praying together.
Because if I pray by myself, I can put a thousand to flight, but if I pray with two people, if we get together—Paul and Silas—if we start singing in the prison cell, chains are going to break! Come on! The devil doesn’t like it when the church is united. That’s why there are so many church splits, so much strife, so much quarreling; because the devil thrives on division. He thrives on a divisive spirit!
That’s why I’m here to bind it today! I’m here to release a spirit of unity; I’m here to release a spirit of godly friendship and community and loyalty and faithfulness to say, “Lean on me!” Because when the disciples started leaning on each other and praying for each other and breaking bread together, and sharing meals with each other, it started a movement! Acts—the book of Acts was literally a group of believers that decided to do life together.
They decided, “No more DIY; no more do-it-yourself; we’re going to do this together 'cause we’re better together.” We’re better together! Thank you so much, Carlos. I’ll call you back in just a minute. Give Carlos a big hand! Come on! He says, “Let us consider one another. Let us keep on gathering together, and let’s work together even more so as the day of Christ’s return approaches. Let’s keep gathering together.”
No Selfish Ambition
Philippians chapter 2 says if you have any commonality with each other, if you have anything, if there’s any fellowship with the Holy Spirit, if there’s any affection and mercy of God, he says, “Do me a favor: get along with each other, work together, have the same spirit with each other.” In verse three, he says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition, do nothing out of vain conceit.”
We live in a very vain, selfish society, right? There are all these selfies; it’s all about me, myself, and I. We need to break that. We need relationships. We had a Valentine’s family date night the other night because Ashley and I did our Valentine’s early this week, so we had our family together on Friday night. We were watching a movie, and it was time to pick the movie.
We said, “You know, we’re not going to pick a cartoon; we’re picking a real-life adult movie tonight.” So we picked Little Women. Ashley wanted it, okay, but I was kind of like, “All right, I’ll watch Little Women.” But we’re watching it, guys, and I got a tear in my eye. If you’re like, “Don’t give it away,” it’s been out for 50 years; you should have seen it by now.
Okay, all right, so we’re sitting there watching these four sisters, and they’re going through life together. They get into fights with each other; one gets jealous, but they work through it. Somebody say “work through it.” I think one of the most powerful parts of the movie was when one of the sisters got sick, and the other sisters started coming alongside her and just tending to her, just loving on her.
You know, Galatians chapter 6 verse 2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens; carry each other’s burdens so you can fulfill the law of Christ.” I’m convinced when we get to heaven, God is not going to quiz us on our speaking in tongues; he’s not going to quiz us on how much information from the Book of Revelation we’ve memorized; he’s not going to quiz us on how many prophetic words we prophesied.
He’s going to ask us, “Did you love your neighbor? Did you love your wife? Did you love your kids? Did you love your family? Did you love one another?” Because the world will know that we are his followers by the way we love each other. Lean on me, do nothing out of selfish ambition, but work together.
David and Jonathan's Covenant
1 Samuel chapter 18, I’m just going to give you some scriptures on what it looks like to have a “Lean on Me” spirit. So if you’re taking notes, note-takers are history makers, world changers. Now when he had finished speaking with Saul—this was David; David had just slain Goliath—so you might be able to slay Goliath, but if you’re going to get through the valleys, the mountains, and the plateaus of life, you’re going to need some friends beside you.
It says, as soon as he finished talking with Saul, the soul of Jonathan, the son of the king, was knit to the soul of David. So these were soul brothers. Come on, I need a soul brother in the house. You need a soul sister. Hey soul sister, come on, you need some brothers in Christ who are with you on a soul level, not just people that are with you when you are celebrating.
You know there are people that show up when things are good in your life; they’re like, “That’s my friend! Let’s get a picture together!” But what about when nobody wants a picture with you? What about when you messed up, when you feel like a failure? You need some friends that will show up for you in the valleys and in the dark seasons.
This was what Jonathan was; he was the kind of friend that everybody wants to have. But to have a friend that everybody wants to have, you got to be a friend that everybody wants to have. He who wants friends must himself be friendly. We make church so convenient these days for people, and there’s this mindset of, “Well, I need the church to build friendships for me. I need the church to build community for me.”
You know, I’m used to Netflix, Amazon Prime, and DoorDash—I need it just delivered to my house. Give me a friend, build community for me. I’m not finding any friends in this church. You got to get out of your comfort zone. Christianity is not about convenience; it’s about sacrifice. Jesus said, “No love is greater than the friend who lays his life down for his friends.”
Jesus, before he started his ministry, started friendships. The first thing he does before he performs miracles is start walking by the Sea of Galilee. He’s like, “Will you be my friend? Will you be my friend, Peter? Will you be my friend, James? Will you be my friend, John? Will you be my friend, Thomas?”
By the way, Jesus knew that when he picked friends, he was picking people that weren’t always going to be the best friends. Sometimes we’re slow to have friends because we go, “Well, I’ve just been hurt by too many people.” If anyone could have talked about church hurt, it was Jesus. After he rose from the grave, he brought Thomas close to him and said, “You want to talk about church hurt? Let me show you the scars. Let me show you the nails that went through my hands and my feet. And I still love you. I still choose you to be my friend, and I still choose the church, and I’m not walking away from church just because I got hurt by the church. I still choose to be in community.”
If anyone had a reason to walk away from it, it was Jesus, but he still showed up to the same church that hurt him. Here’s what I’m trying to say: we need to stop running from relationships just because they’re messy and difficult and people break our trust. We were designed for relationships. We were designed to do life together, to be in friendship.
So Jonathan draws to David, and it says in verse two that Saul took him that day and would not let him go home. So Saul had a possessive spirit; Saul was threatened. Jonathan was inspired by David, but Saul was threatened by David. By the way, you don’t have to carry the same spirit that your parents carried. Jonathan chose not to be an insecure person; Saul was insecure, but Jonathan was inspired.
Saul was threatened, but Jonathan was loyal to David. Saul wanted to kill David because of David’s success; Jonathan wanted to stay with David and be his friend because he knew that success can be traumatic sometimes, and people need a good friend when they’re walking through the praise and the spears of life. So in verse three, Jonathan and David made a covenant.
We need to get back to making covenants. I think the world has so perverted male friendship and has so turned it into a weird thing. We bros need bros, and girls need sisters. It doesn’t have to be weird; we need each other. We need the fraternal; we need camaraderie; we need refrigerator rights; we need nicknames for each other.
And you go, “Well, that’s not really like about Jesus.” Yes, it is. Yes, it is. There was no one in the Bible that did anything great without the help of someone else next to them. We could start with Moses. Well, Moses was pretty great all by himself—nope! He needed Aaron and Hur and Joshua. Well, Paul the Apostle was pretty great by himself—nope! He needed Timothy, and he needed Silas.
Well, you know, Peter was pretty great by himself—nope! He needed the other disciples on the regular; they were praying for him when he was almost about to get his head chopped off in Acts chapter 12. Because of the prayers of his friends, Peter got through a hard season. Well, you know, Jesus did it all by himself—nope! He needed the community of the disciples around him.
Well, Esther—nope! She needed Mordecai. Well, you know, you can go through the list: David needed Jonathan. Every person that God uses—we need friendships, we need community, and we have to get over it.
Barriers to Leaning on Others
I think there are five reasons why people have a hard time leaning on other people. Number one: relational disappointment. We have a hard time, we have a problem leaning on other people because we have been disappointed by unmet expectations in friendships. I was hoping that I could lean on them just like you saw Daniel fall when I walked away.
We’ve tried to lean on some people; we’ve tried to lean on some things, and it wasn’t there to catch us, right? And we go, “I’ve just been disappointed, Paul, therefore I no longer want to try to rely on people.” Secondly, it’s relational rejection. We asked someone to be our friend, and they straight up said no. We asked someone to go on a date, and they straight up said no.
We asked someone for coffee, and they just said, “I got no time for you, no attention.” Therefore, the rejection has pushed us from asking anyone to be our friend. So we might, you know, come to a church where there are lots of great friends and a harvest of friendships all around us, but because we’ve been rejected by people in the past, we don’t even want to linger after church. We just want to come in late, leave early. But this is a year to lean in; somebody say “lean on me.”
Number three: relational betrayal. Someone intentionally hurts your feelings. They were there for you when you called on them; they were there to listen to you when you needed to confide in somebody. They’re like, “Come on, you can tell me; I’ll be there for you.” But the next week, they told everybody your secret. The next week, they intentionally betrayed you; they stole your trust; they let you down.
And you go, “I’m not trusting any friends anymore; I’ve been betrayed by people.” If anyone had a reason to say this, it was Jesus towards Judas: “I’m not trusting any of you guys; Judas betrayed me.” But Jesus still chose friendship after betrayal. I think the fourth reason is the Lone Ranger mindset. “I don’t need anybody; I’m better off doing it on my own.”
Does anybody remember the movie Remember the Titans? Y’all remember Julius and Gary Bertier? These were the two guys in the movie. I mean, I grew up on Remember the Titans. I remember watching it with my dad; this was like one of his favorite movies. I said, “Dad, what was it like?” because he played football during that same time that the movie was based on.
He said, “It was a crazy season because schools were segregated.” He said, “When schools started opening up and coming together, my dad told me, ‘Billy Joe, you’re going to love people that look different than you, and you’re not going to be like the other kids in your class that have been racist and prejudiced.’” On this Black History Month, I want to celebrate the mighty men and women of God, awesome Black men and women in our church and in our nation who have made this nation better, made this church better, and we are a diverse church.
I remember my dad telling me stories about that. We grew up watching movies, and he wanted us to understand that we were not to have any prejudice in friendships, that we were called to love everybody. I remember watching that movie, and there was this fight, this conflict between Bertier and Julius. One of them said, “I can do this on my own; I don’t need you.”
I think the fifth reason that we have a problem leaning on other people is the Superman complex. Superman is a little different than the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger says, “I can do this by myself.” Superman says, “I got it! I am strong without the help of other people.” I watched in the movie; if you haven’t seen it, once again, you’re like, “Don’t give it away!” It’s been out for 40 years, okay? Maybe 30.
Okay, just go watch it, but in the movie, there’s this moment where Julius and Bertier, they’re going at it with each other, and they finally click as friends. They finally start shouting “Strong side! Left side! Strong side! Right side!” They start working together, and together that team became strong under their friendship. See, I believe you are one friendship away from impacting a community, impacting the world.
I’m better in this church because I am friends with Mike Todd down the street at Transformation Church. People have tried to pit us against each other, but ever since he and I made a beautiful reconciliation in our friendship, man, our friendship is rich; it is deep! It is texting with encouragement, it’s phone calls, sitting in each other’s cars, calling at midnight, it’s him giving me clothes and stuff; I’m wearing his shoes right now. But we need friends, and to have friends, you got to be friendly.
Why We Resist Letting Others Lean
Why do we have a problem letting others lean on us? Let me flip it. Why do we have a problem letting others lean on us? Number one: we’re too busy. “I got too much going on, Paul. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for people right now. I’m just, you know, I’m a Martha; I just like to do tasks. I got to do the dishes. I got to do the schedules for the kids. I got to take care of the house. I don’t have time for relationships. I’m not a relationship person; I’m a task person.”
The only problem with that is one day you’ll get to the end of your life and those tasks won’t be standing around your hospital bed; those tasks won’t be at your funeral. It’ll be people, and the question will be, “Did I take time to build human relationships? Did I take time to go to coffee with somebody? Did I give my number out at church? Did I linger long enough to go down to an altar call and pray with somebody, and follow up with them to get their number? Did I show up to anybody’s hospital room when they were sick? Did I invest in relationships, or was I so focused on my goals?”
I got big goals this year because you can accomplish all your goals and have an empty soul. Friendship makes your soul rich. Number two: I think we have a problem letting others lean on us because we’re selfish. I said it; we’re selfish. We’re focused on me right now. “I’m going to talk about me; I’m going to talk about my; I’m going to talk about number one; oh my, me, my, what I think, what I like, what I do, what I want to do!” Right? It’s all about me.
I love myself, and I don’t love anybody else. Right? There are so many songs all about self-love, and it’s getting toxic. It’s getting so toxic; it’s all about celebrating, “Don’t go where you’re tolerated; go where you’re celebrated.” And it’s all about this self-centered victim mindset of, “Nobody!” Right? And you didn’t show up to victim church; you showed up to victory church. You drove up into the victory parking lot.
And to be a part of the church, you got to flip the script on selfishness. When Jesus called the disciples, one of the biggest things he was saying is, “Freely you’ve received, now freely give.” You’ve received love; now show love to one another. Be there for each other; forgive each other; look out for each other; carry each other’s burdens.
If somebody’s struggling, open the door! Chivalry is still alive in Oklahoma! Help that single parent mom from the parking lot into the church! I think we get so selfish and we demand so much. We’re like, “If I got to walk 30 feet into church, they better bring the golf cart to pick me up.” But who could you help coming into church next week? What door could you open? Who could you pray for? Who could you sit down and have a coffee with in the next month? Who could you maybe open your house up for a Bible study? Be friends with people.
Number three: I think we have a problem letting others lean on us because we are too independent. I remember talking to a counselor, and they said, “There is such a thing as toxic independence.” It’s an unhealthy and excessive degree of independence that negatively impacts your personal well-being and your relationships. It struggles with the difficulty of vulnerability and intimacy.
An independent mindset—now you might go, “Well, Paul, we got to be independent! There’s so many books and podcasts that celebrate this independent mindset—not to care about people, don’t give a flip about what people think.” But the other side of that is that it’s not the gospel. Jesus actually calls us. I’m not saying we need to be people-pleasers, but I am saying we are called to be burden carriers, to pray for those who hurt you, to turn the other cheek, to love those who don’t love you, to be the Good Samaritan.
What did the Good Samaritan do? I got a text the other day from a pastor who used to be a pastor, walked through a pretty rough failure in his life, and is no longer a pastor. But man, I believe God’s hand is on his life and his family, and I’ve got to be a part of just encouraging him, praying for him.
He texted me, “Hey, I’ve got a friend that’s struggling right now, coming out of an addiction. What does Victory offer?” I said, “Man, Victory offers you a lot! I want them to come to discipleship class. I said secondly, I know this awesome program called Hope is Alive, and we’re going to help addicts get set free this year. We’re partnering with Hope is Alive; we sow into it; they got homes right here in Tulsa that are helping people get free from addictions.” He said, “Man, that’s what I love about Victory: you lift up people.”
See, there are some churches that throw stones at people. We’ll call them stoned churches. Stoners! We’re not stoners! Don’t get stoned here, and don’t be a stoner here. We’re going to lift people up. We’re not going to surround people when they’re falling; we’re going to lift people up, we’re going to pray for them. And if that’s you, we love you; we’re not too independent to just focus on ourselves.
Proverbs 18:1 says, “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire.” You know how coyotes kill a dog in Oklahoma? What they’ll do is they’ll send one coyote near the front porch of a house out in the country in Oklahoma. That coyote will come prancing back and forth in front of the house until the dog is watching it. The dog starts barking, “Ruff, ruff!” and the coyote will try to get his attention to pull him off the porch.
When he starts running down the field in the country of Oklahoma, that coyote pulls him further and further away from the house until he gets into the woods. What that dog doesn’t know is that one coyote has a pack of ten coyotes waiting, and that pack will destroy that dog just pulling him out of the house. Why did the prodigal son leave the father’s house? He had a restless wandering spirit. He didn’t know how to stay in a house; he didn’t know how to stay in relationships.
I think people have a hard time building relationships because we’re always looking for something better. The grass is greener somewhere else. If you have a church-hopping mindset, you will never build healthy relationships. This is your year to plant yourself in this church or whatever church God’s called you to, but get planted.
And you go, “Well, what if people hurt my feelings?” Stay. “Well, what if people don’t remember my name?” Stay. “Well, what if somebody forgets to call me?” Stay. Well, what’s that going to do? It’s going to create stayability, which creates stability. The more stable believers we have who learn to stay through the storms, the more we’ll have people following up with people, calling people, checking up on people in the hospital.
I think churches get stronger when people learn to stay through offense. I walked into the gym the other day, and this guy was reading a book, and it was called Erasing Offense. I said, “I don’t normally see people reading books at the gym; I normally see people with headphones in.” He said, “Yeah, I’m trying to get a chapter in between my workouts.” So he’s reading this book; I said, “That looks like a good book—living unoffendable in a world that’s constantly offended.”
He said, “Yeah, I’m a pretty offended person.” I said, “Really?” He said, “Yeah, I’m probably already offended at you right now 'cause you just interrupted me reading my book.” He said, “I need this book; my wife gave it to me.” I said, “That’s awesome! Where do you go to church?” He named the church here in Tulsa; we started talking to each other, encouraging each other.
He said, “So many people are always offended all the time and leaving relationships over every offense.” It’s time that we come back to a place of mercy and grace because how many of y’all know you need mercy and grace yourself? I think the Jonathan-David relationship is a beautiful relationship and reminder that men and women—we need each other. We need a sisterhood; we need a brotherhood. We need to do this together. We need to get over our differences; we need to let go of our offenses.
Moses Needed Support
I look at Moses—the story of Moses in Exodus 17. There was a moment where Moses felt like he could do it all by himself; he had the Superman mindset. By the way, Moses said that he was the most humble man in the whole world. Moses is the one who said that about himself! Talk about a Superman complex! This guy just thought he was all that, and now Moses, written by Moses, is the most humble man in the whole world.
Exodus 17:8: Amalek came to fight with Israel. Moses said to Joshua, “Choose some men to go out and fight with Amalek. Tomorrow I will stand on the top of the hill with the rod of God in my hand.” Because I talk to God; God talks to me, right? Moses had this mindset that he was the man. So Joshua did just as Moses told him to do, and he fought with Amalek.
Look at this: Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the top of the hill. It took three of them. A threefold strand is not easily broken. It wasn’t just Moses; it was three of them going up together. As it was, when Moses held up his hand, I need you to see this: Ty, will you stand up here? I want you to hold up your hands and just stand by yourself.
But I want y’all to see this: as Moses was holding up his hand, Israel was prevailing. But when his hands started getting tired—and everyone’s hands get tired, whether you’re young or old, everyone’s hands get tired—as his hands started getting tired, they started losing the fight. And what happened in verse 12? Moses’s hands got so heavy he couldn’t lift them. He couldn’t lift them until the support system showed up.
I need a support system to come up here: Daniel, Abby, Wan. Yeah, you need a support system. They put a stone under him, and he sat on it; Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, one on the other side. You need someone who’s going to lift your hands up. Husbands and wives, you need accountability. You need encouragement.
Every week, I got a group of guys that I’m opening up to, talking to, asking for prayer and praying for them. We need this. We’re not called to do it all by ourselves. As his hands were lifted up—grab this hand, not just his elbow; grab his hand. Yeah, you need the real strong support! As long as they kept his hands up steady as the sun was going down, verse 13, they kept winning. Joshua defeated Amalek because Moses had friends.
Your friendship can impact other people’s success. I think our kids are watching us to see if we have friends in our life. Good friendships—give these guys a hand! I want the band to come out. In the next chapter, Moses was trying to do all the work by himself, meeting with all the people, doing all the counseling and the lawyer stuff, and taking all the cases as the judge.
His father-in-law, Jethro, came up to him and said, “Moses, you’re going to burn yourself out doing this by yourself. You need friends; you need people that can help you.” And so he said, “I want you to delegate some of the work to other people. Trust other people.” “I can do it better by myself; I don’t trust people. People have let me down; they haven’t showed up for me.”
But his father-in-law says, “No, Moses, you need them, and they need you.”
Three Ways to Carry a Lean-on-Me Spirit
So I want to give us, real quickly, three ways to carry a lean-on-me spirit. Number one: recognize your need for others. Recognize your need for others. Just say this out loud: “I need you.” You do! Thank you! “I need you, too! I need you, and you need me!” Now, you may not always like the people that you need, but you need them, and they need you.
You might get upset with each other. You might get frustrated. Ashley and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this last week. We were sitting there just talking about the goodness of God, but also the beauty of a friendship over time that you learn to be there for each other. You learn to work through fights, disagreements, and you learn to lean on each other in a way that’s so strong. But you have to get to the point where you can say, “I need you!”
Now, I don’t know if you’re like me, but I don’t always like asking for help. Sometimes Ashley will say, “Should you stop and ask for directions?” And I’m like, “No! I don’t need help; I got this!” But the word of God says that we should humble ourselves and we should ask for others to pray for us. If any of you is sick, if any of you is hurting, if any of you needs forgiveness, the Book of James says go and ask for help.
Go to the elders of the church, go to your friends, Timothy! Go to Paul, Paul go to Silas, Peter go to James, James go to John, David go to Jonathan, Esther go to Mordecai, Ruth go to Naomi. But she’s crazy—still go to her! Naomi, go to Ruth, but she’s too young! We need more mentorship in the church!
Let me ask you this: how many of y’all would like a mentor? If I could help you find a really good mentor, how many of y’all would take it? Keep your hands up. All right, keep your hands up. Now everyone that’s over the age of 50, look around; you should take one of these hands this month and say, “We’re going to take them to dinner. We’re going to go to Malister. We’re going to adopt some young adults and love on them!”
All right, how many older people would mentor somebody? If you’re over the age of 50, you’re like, “Don’t call me old!” How many of you wiser people, more seasoned through life would take someone under your wing if I handed someone to you and said, “Hey, would you mentor this young person?” How many of you all would do it? All right, we’re going to come down a little lower. How many of you over the age of 40 would do it? Over the age of 40? I need more hands going up.
Okay, this is a year to build relationships outside of just your immediate family. You go, “I don’t have time for that; I don’t have the bandwidth for that. I’m just trying to be there for my family.” Yes, but your family also needs friendships, too! We all need friendships.
Number two: recognize your role as a friend in others’ lives is important. It’s important. I’m almost done; I’ll close out in just a second. You drove through the ice to get here; you can wait a little longer. I want to give you more than what you came for. We’re going to worship at the end.
Recognize your role is important. There was a moment in World War II when Winston Churchill was faced with a very big problem. During the darkest days of Great Britain in World War II, the country had a difficult time keeping men working in the coal mines. You go, “Well, why is that a problem?” Well, the coal mines produced a lot of the materials that the soldiers needed out fighting against Hitler’s regime.
Many wanted to give up their dirty, thankless jobs in the coal mines because they were dangerous in the coal mines, and they wanted to join the military service, even though it was more dangerous because the military garnered more praise and support and public acknowledgment for what they were doing for Great Britain. Yet the work in the coal mines was critical to the success of the war. Without the coal, the military and the people at home would be in trouble.
So Prime Minister Winston Churchill faced thousands of coal miners one day, and he began to speak to them on the importance of their job, the importance of their effort in the war, and how their role as coal miners could make or break the goal of maintaining England’s freedom. Churchill began to paint a picture of what it would be like when the war ended.
This is so powerful; when I read this, I get teary-eyed. He said, “At the end of this war, there’s going to be a grand parade. We’re going to honor all the people who fought in the war. First will come the sailors of the Navy, the people who defeated the Spanish Armada. Next will come the best and the brightest of Britain, the pilots of the Royal Air Force who fended off the German air forces. Following them will be the soldiers who fought at Dunkirk. But last and not least will come the coal dust-covered men in miners' caps.”
Churchill indicated that someone from the crowd might say, “Why are the miners here? Why are the coal miners walking in this parade? Where were you during the critical days of the darkest hour of Great Britain?” And the voices of 10,000 coal miners would respond, “We were deep in the earth with our faces to the coal.” It was said that tears appeared in the eyes of those hardened men, and they went back to their inglorious work with steely resolve, having been reminded of the role they were playing in their country’s goal to preserve freedom for the Western world.
Those men on that day knew what it was to be captured by the cause of freedom; they knew their role mattered. Now listen, you may not be the person that saves somebody’s life, stops somebody from making a really bad decision in their marriage, but you might be that friend that goes to coffee with somebody, that sits in a Bible study, that comes to discipleship class.
You sit in a circle with men, and maybe your words are just the words they needed to hear to stay in their marriage, to be there for their son, to forgive their husband, to love their daughter, to work through a problem. Your friendship is more important and vital than you realize. They may not call you every day; they may not acknowledge you; you may not be the bridesmaid at the wedding; you may not be the groomsman; but your friendship is important; don’t discount it.
Number three: a “Lean on Me” spirit carries the burden and the celebration along the way. You share the burden of a friendship and the celebration. So you’re there when they walk through the miscarriage; you’re also there when they celebrate the birth of their child. You’re there when they get married; you’re also there if they’re walking through a really painful heartbreak in their marriage. You get to walk through the burden and the celebration.
You go, “Well, why is that important to God and to Christianity?” Because this is what Jesus designed us for—a relational depth to not just see each other at church and never know each other’s names, to not just look at each other and go, “Hey, how you doing?” and not really care about the answer. I think one of the things that brings God glory is not just when we’re down at the altar worshiping Jesus; it’s when we’re in the hospital room.
It’s when we’re in the ER, sitting next to a family in the church that we know because we have stayed with them through the mountains and the valleys and the plateaus of their membership here. I walked over to my friend Tiger Kords right here on the sixth row. I said, “You’ve been a part of this church for 25-plus years, right?” He said, “Yep! This is my home church.”
I look at Al and Pat Richardson; they’ve been part of Victory for 40-plus years, building friendships, loving people, sitting on the front row, taking in young adults, talking to them, and encouraging them. I look at Lise Ben, one of these mighty men of God here that just takes young people and speaks into them, him and his wife—different ones—you in this church. And we need more of that! God is raising you up to be a friend, to be a Jonathan, a David—someone that’s going to be there for someone.
Altar Call for Community
I want you to stand on your feet all over this place. We need each other. You may not want to say it; you may not admit it, but we need each other. Maybe you’ve been let down by somebody; maybe you’ve been gossiped about by people. I’ve been there; it hurts. But I still choose friendship. I still choose friendship.
Lord knows I need good friends, and I need to be a good friend. I need to look for ways to pray for people. By the way, when’s the last time you gave your number to somebody? You go, “I only do that if it’s a date.” No, you need a good friend! I was talking with a guy recently, and he said, “Why do you still respond to text messages from people you haven’t talked to physically in years?”
He was asking me if I talked to somebody that I hadn’t seen in 20 years. He said, “You still talk to this guy?” I said, “Well, I haven’t seen him since college; I haven’t seen him since I was 19, but I said if he texts me, I respond.” He goes, “I’m too busy for that.” I said, “You’re too busy?” He said, “Yeah, bro, I got two kids.” I said, “Oh, you got two kids, so you’re so busy?”
He goes, “Yeah, bro, and I’m working a job like 30 hours a week.” I said, “Oh, you work a job like 30 hours a week?” He said, “Yeah, bro, I own my own company with like three employees.” I was like, “Oh, okay, so you’re Mr. Busy Man!” He said, “Are you busy?” I go, “Yeah, bro, I got five kids that I love—it is five kids! I got a church that I love—it is a church that requires all hands-on deck.”
He said, “Well, then why do you have time to text this guy?” I said, “If I was him and I needed friends and I reached out to some guy that I hadn’t seen in 18, 19 years, but I had the boldness to reach out and ask for prayer, I would hope that he would respond to me.” I see Josh Malden in the back. Josh, raise your hand. Josh and I have known each other since we were little. What was it? Three years old? Three years old!
Josh and I have known each other. Josh’s son was in the hospital about two weeks ago. The thing that I appreciate is that the first thing Josh did is send a text out to eight friends and said, “Will you pray for Brave? Brave was in the hospital.” Everybody’s on it—praying right now! “What can we do for you? How can we help him?”
I remember when I was little, Josh and I, when we were little, I was in nursery, and there was a young man named Brandon Shaw. Brandon came up to me and said, “You want to play David and Goliath?” I said, “Yeah!” He goes, “You’re Goliath; I’m David.” I said, “Okay!” He takes a wooden block and just smashes my head, and I got rushed to the hospital. I got 13 stitches in my head.
Anytime you think I’m a little different, just remember I’ve been through a couple of head accidents and injuries as a kid. Broke my head open three times. Okay, I’m still here; I’m still doing okay! But I look back on Brandon, and I became best friends after that. He’s like, “Are we good?” I was like, “Yeah, bro! I got 13 stitches, but I’m good! I’m your friend!”
I want to be the friend that I need a friend to be to me! If somebody goes to jail and they call me, I want to show up. We got to stop acting like we’ve never been in somebody else’s shoes! Every time you walk through something or your friend walks through something, act like you were in their shoes! A single parent mom or a single parent dad—“Well, he messed up his marriage!” It doesn’t matter; you don’t know the whole story!
We judge people too fast. We judge people’s stories too fast. We don’t know why they’re walking through what they’re walking through! “I don’t agree with their lifestyle.” You don’t have to agree with their lifestyle to be their friend! Be their friend; be their friend. “No, I’m not going to be friends with somebody I don’t agree with.” Listen! The world has enough Christians rejecting them. Let’s be the Christians that are loving people, lifting people up, praying for people, ministering to people, caring for people. Let’s show the world the love of Christ!
God, I just pray right now, Lord, even in my own life, my own heart, God, I pray, Lord, that I would be a better friend. I pray I would be a better friend to all my friends, God. I pray, Lord, that you would continue, God, just to enrich the friendships in my life and in our church. I pray for all the ladies in this room, young and old, to have a good sister in their life—more than one, God! A soul sister, someone that’s standing with them, praying for them, believing in them, cheering them on when they get married, crying with them when they’re going through heartbreak, showing up to the ER when they’re in sickness, showing up to the jail when their son is in trouble.
I pray, God, that we would be the kind of friends that the world stops and goes, “I need to be a part of this: this is real, this is genuine!” These people genuinely love each other! I pray, God, that you would help us to forgive the people that have deeply wounded us in friendships, people that have gossiped about us, betrayed us, rejected us, disappointed us. I pray, God, that today you would bring healing to people’s hearts that have been let down by friends.
And I pray, God, that you would help us to be better friends to the people around us. When we’re lonely, God, help us not to just wait for someone to reach out to us—that we would reach out! When we’re feeling like no one’s inviting us to do something with them, we would be the one that shows up and invites others! When we’re left out of a circle, help us to draw a bigger circle and bring more people in!
I pray, God, that we would be the most friendly church in the city—that we would just love from the north, south, east, and west all the people we encounter—inviting them to church, inviting them to break bread in our homes, praying together. God, I pray, Lord, that from it would flow revival, that the Book of Acts would just keep getting written at Victory, God, as we’re sharing with each other and passing out coats and blankets to the homeless this week, and showing up to the movie night tonight at church and laughing together. We’re building relationships with each other. I pray for deep friendships this year to grow in this church.
With heads bowed and eyes closed, if you’re here today and you’re not right with Jesus and you need to surrender—you’re not promised tomorrow—you need his forgiveness. You need his mercy and grace. This last week, two teenage girls from Holland Hall stepped into eternity in a car crash; my heart broke for them. One’s in critical condition, and I’m praying for her, and it caused me to realize the brevity of life. We never know what tomorrow holds.
If you’re here right now and you’re not right with God, don’t leave this room without repenting and saying, “Jesus, be my Lord and Savior!” He wants to be. Forgiveness is knocking on the door of your heart; salvation is knocking on the door of your heart. If that’s you and you want to get right with the Lord and surrender your heart to Jesus, I want you to raise your hand all over this room. Yes. Yes. Yes. Any other hands today saying, “Man, I need to get right with God; I need to repent. I haven’t been living right. I need to draw close to Jesus today; I need him to be my Savior!” Raise your hand. Yes.
Secondly, you’re here and you go, “Paul, I’m saved, but this message hit me. There are some things in my life when it comes to friendships and relationships that you were talking directly to, and I didn’t know I needed this message. But listening to it today, I realized there are some areas that I need to trust God in better. I need to forgive some people. I need to be better at building relationships.” If that’s you, raise your hand. This word was for you. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, ma’am. Yes. Yes.
Maybe the Superman complex, the Lone Ranger—just going, “I need to get better at trusting people, leaning on people, letting other people lean on me, creating space in my life to build better friendships, getting out of my comfort zone.” If you raised your hand for either of those, would you leave your seat and come and join me at this altar today? Come on; this is your day! This is a day—yeah! We’re going to cheer on brave men and brave women of God!
As you come down to the altar, maybe you’re carrying a burden. If you have something you need prayer for, I want you to come and join us at the altar. You’re not alone! You’re not alone! If you want a brother to stand beside you, if you want a sister to stand beside you, if you want a friend to stand beside you, come on down! We’re going to find you; we’re going to stand with you; we’re going to pray today; we’re going to believe for breakthrough today!
You’re not alone! If you’ve been battling loneliness, come down to the altar! If you’ve been battling loneliness, just come down to the altar because God today wants to set you up in divine friendships, divine connections. God is lining up a Silas for a Paul in the room. God is lining up a Barnabas for a Saul. God is lining up some co-brothers and sisters in Christ! He’s saying, “I want to help you; I want to strengthen you this year through friendship!”
We’re just going to worship; we’re just going to let the Holy Spirit speak to us. Go ahead, guys! “This is how I fight my battles. This is how I fight my battles.” This is how—you are not alone! You’re not alone! God, I pray, Lord, for sisters to come alongside her, brothers to come alongside him in Jesus' mighty name!
God says you are not alone! You are not alone! He says, “I’m going to send people to lift your hands up, and I’m going to use you to lift others' hands up in Jesus' name!” I pray, God, for a good community of friendships surrounding each man, each woman at this altar! Nobody alone, nobody alone—no man left behind, no man left behind!
“I am surrounded! I’m surrounded by you! It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by you!” Oh, it may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by you! “And this is how I fight my battles. This is how I fight my battles.” This is how—YOU are not alone!
“This is how I fight my battle.” Lord, I thank you, God, that you’re lifting up her hands, lifting up his hands! I thank you, Lord, that there are more for you than those against you! God is with you! God is with you! You’re strong in the Lord; you’re a mighty warrior!
God, I thank you, Lord, that you’re sending mighty men of God to lift up his hands and that he’s a lifter of other men’s hands! God, I pray, Lord, for spiritual moms in this church to come alongside some of these young ladies at the altar, God, that they would just begin to mentor them and love on them and pour into them. I pray, God, for godly fathers in this house to come alongside these young men of God and say, “You’re not alone; I’m with you; I’m praying for you.”
As iron sharpens iron, I thank you, God, that you’re sharpening each man and woman in this church! Someone to pour into us and someone for us to pour into! I thank you, God, for brotherly friendship in this church, phileo! God, that you would continue to strengthen the brother friendships, the sister friendships in this church!
Lord, I pray for healing in broken hearts. I pray for healing in relational rejection, relational disappointment, relational betrayal! God, you are the great physician! Lord, I pray that you would heal any heart that’s broken today, put it back together! Use Victory to be a healing center, God, to bring emotional healing and spiritual healing—whether there’s been hurt!
I pray, God, that you would just produce in us stability, God! Help us, Lord, to forgive those that have hurt us. As you’ve called us here, God, help us to be planted here and to walk together with people through the highs and lows — people that would walk with us! I pray, God, for the person that feels alone right now—the person that just walked through a season where nobody was there for them! God, that today’s message would just be a reminder that you’re bringing godly friends into their life!
Lord, that you’re sending God a Jonathan into their life! You’re sending God a friend that would come alongside them and walk with them, pray with them, and love on them! You used to think that if I had more friends, I would be fulfilled, so I added like a thousand friends on Facebook. This was like back in college; I just wanted to have like as many friends as possible! I started thinking, “Okay, if I give 5,000 friends, then I’ll be really satisfied in friendship.”
I realized thousands of shallow friends could never compare to one deep friend. That doesn’t mean that those other people aren’t friends—I love them! But if you have one good friend, you are doing good! My friends have one good friend; have one good friend! And be a good friend to somebody! And I mean like give your number and talk with them and encourage them!
I get blessed watching even my wife’s friendships with a few girls because I get to see how much it means to her. She gets blessed seeing my friendship with a few guys. My brother is one of my closest friends. I shared this last week, but he came up to me after my dad died—our dad died—and he said, “Paul, I know I’m your older brother, but I want you to know I see you as my pastor.”
He said, “I know you’re my little brother, but you’re also my pastor.” He said, “I want you to know I’ll take whatever hit just like in football when I used to block you when you were the third-string quarterback.” I was like, “Okay!” And the coach would put you in at the end of the game! He said, “I would block and whatever hits were coming at you, I took them for you because I wanted you to score a touchdown.”
He said, “I’ll take whatever hits are coming your way as the pastor of the church because I want to be there for you. I want you to succeed.” That friendship means more than he’ll ever know! I want to be that friend to him today and to so many of you!
Lord, I just pray that you would continue to stir up in us, God, that biblical spirit of Christ affection and friendship for those around us—sacrificial love, kindness—even if it means being inconvenienced by our plans, our schedule, our tasks! God, that you would use us to be a light, a friend to the people around us!
To help them—just pray this with me: “Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for me! You gave your life for mine! You are the friend that sticks closer than a brother! Lord, you’re my best friend, and I need you, Jesus! I repent of my sins; I receive your forgiveness! Jesus, help me to be a good friend to the people around me! Lord, bring good friends into my life so that we can glorify you in all that we do!” In Jesus' name, amen and amen!