Mike Novotny - The Boundaries
I’m not sure if it’s the way that phones are organized and brilliantly designed. I’m not sure if it’s the chemicals in our brain or just the common lack of self-control, but for a lot of us, when we get too close to certain devices, we end up going too far. We end up looking at more things than we originally intended. We’re just going to glance and look up whatever on Google, and then we get distracted by this and then that, and then 10 minutes later, we snap out of it. Sometimes when we get too close to these brilliantly engineered devices, we end up doing things that we never intended to.
Your screens aren’t an inherently bad thing; we’re not going to have a bonfire for your phones and tablets after church. But you probably do know, and you’ve experienced, like I have, that if we’re not intentional, if we don’t have good boundaries, then something that isn’t inherently bad can become a bad thing in our life. So let’s talk about boundaries today. Let’s start with the definition. If you want to grab your pen, and if you’re watching at home, I want you to write this down. Here’s how I define a boundary: boundaries are personal rules that keep you far from personal danger.
I heard this idea about 15 years ago in a sermon; I’m kind of borrowing it from another pastor. It’s not a biblical rule; a boundary isn’t like a «you shall not» that we find in the scriptures. It’s a personal rule that you personally pick for yourself, and the reason you try to live by this rule is that it keeps you from personal danger. Maybe you’re the kind of person who can sit down with a bag of peanut butter cups and just have two; I’m not. So you might not need this rule, but maybe I do. A boundary is a personal rule that keeps you from personal danger, and I bet you’ve lived long enough to see that certain people need personal rules, right?
In your family, if you come from a long line of people who have struggled with alcoholism, there’s no Bible passage that says you shall never, ever, ever drink alcohol. But I know and respect some people that have made that personal choice just because they know, «Hey, in our family, this gets really bad really quickly.» So I’m going to be the person who maybe doesn’t go to bars, maybe doesn’t have alcohol in my home, maybe doesn’t drink at all—not because it’s wrong to do so, but because it’s really wise for me not to do so. Some people are like this with shopping; just stopping by the mall to see what there is rarely turns out well for you. So you’ve got a brand new credit card; you put yourself in that immersive marketing experience, and before you know it, you’re walking back to your car with bags hanging down each arm, and you’re totally broke.
There was so much you wanted to do, but if you know that that’s your personal weakness, you’ve got to be intentional, and you’ve got to be careful, and you’ve got to come up with a rule that might be just for you, but it’s going to keep you two steps away from a step that you don’t want to take. I know lots of people at our church who struggle with pornography, and so they have all kinds of personal rules because they know once the dominoes start falling—once I’m alone and I’m stressed and I have a screen and I’m bored—I end up doing something I really, really didn’t want to do. And so they kind of make up rules about where I can have screens and how I can have screens and if anyone is around when I’m using my screen. There’s no Bible passage that commands that; wise Christians are just wise enough to know this is my danger, this is my Achilles' heel, this is my weakness. So maybe you don’t need this, but I do. That’s what a boundary is.
Now, I have a hunch that way more than problems with alcohol, food, and shopping in this digital age are people who have problems with devices. I bet a whole bunch of us kind of look back at our screen time and say, «Oh, that’s not what I wanted; it’s not what I intended.» It’s just that these phones are everywhere, and I just look at it, and I get lost in it. I mean, I think of it this way: if you asked me what I did last weekend and I said I was binge eating, you’d be like, «Oh, you okay?» If I didn’t say I was binge eating, but I said I was binge drinking, you would say, «Do you need help?» But think; we use the same word. What were you doing last weekend? Bingeing my favorite show? Me too! Look, bingeing—the very verb implies excess, something we probably shouldn’t do. But in our digital age, isn’t that what most of us do?
So today, I want to preach kind of a nuanced sermon to help increase your wisdom so that, many years from now, when you take your last breath, you won’t look back and say, «Why did I waste that time? Why did I do that? Why didn’t I live a more intentional life?» We’re going to set up some personal rules for you, and by the time I say Amen, they’re going to help you make the most of the limited time that you have for your faith, for your family, and for your friendships.
What I want to do is jump back into the Book of Proverbs, which, if you don’t know, is an Old Testament book that talks about how wise people live. In Proverbs chapters 5, 6, and 7, we get to eavesdrop on a conversation between a really good father and the sons that he loved dearly. This father is having a heart-to-heart with his kids because, apparently, in the town where this dad and his sons live, there was a woman who was very attractive, very persuasive, and very unconcerned about the wedding ring on her finger. She was an adulterous woman who, whenever her husband was gone out of town, was aggressive with the men who walked by her door for home.
Now, this father could have said to his sons, «Hey boys, you know what the Bible says, don’t you? You shall not commit adultery; that’s what God wants us to do.» But this father actually goes a step further. He knows that sometimes, when young men would get too close to this one woman, they would end up doing things that they should not be doing. And so, instead of just saying, «Don’t,» and hoping and praying that his kids had the supernatural self-control, he went a step further, and he gave his boys boundaries. Let’s listen in on this father in Proverbs chapter 5.
I want to start today with verse 7, and here’s what the dad said: «Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her; do not go near the door of her house.» If you don’t listen to what I’m saying, verse 11 says, «Here’s what will happen: at the end of your life, you will groan when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, 'How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or turn my ear to my instructors, and I was soon in serious trouble in the assembly of God’s people.'» Do you catch the wisdom there? If you don’t want to end up years from now saying, «Oh, why did I get myself into so much trouble? Why didn’t I listen? Why did I say, 'Whatever, it’s going to be fine; I’m going to be fine? '» If you don’t want that to happen to you, boys, then listen to what I say: keep to a path far from her.
Now, Bible question: is there any passage so far in this book in the Old Testament that said, «You shall not walk down Main Street?» No. So what is this father doing? «Keep to a path far from her.» He’s putting some distance between his sons' hearts and their bodies and the voice of this woman. That’s why the dad repeats it: «Do not even go near the door of her house.» Is there any Bible passage that says, «You shall not get too close to certain doors?» No. Well, then why did the father give the boundary? Well, because if you get really close to the door of her house, she might open it, and you might see her, and she might tempt you, and you might step inside. So if you want to look back and say, «Why did I do that? Why did I give in to that? Why did I fall into that?» Then, sons, here’s what you should do: keep to a path far from her and do not go near the door of her house. And his dad wasn’t just being overly protective.
A few chapters later, this dad also shares an experience that he saw from the window of his home. Let’s jump ahead to Proverbs 7. Here’s what this dad also says: «At the window of my house, I looked down through the lattice; I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men a youth who had no sense.» There’s a foolish, dumb young man. What makes him foolish? Verse 8: «He was going down the street near her corner, walking along in the direction of her house at twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark of night set in.» Then out came a woman to meet him. You want to guess what happens next? Let me read you just a snippet from later in the chapter: «With persuasive words, she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk, and all at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter.» All at once, just like that, he got too close to the door of her house, and before he knew it, something happened that he did not want to happen.
So what is this ancient book of wisdom trying to teach us? Grab a pen and write this down: the big idea is if you always go too far, then don’t get too close. All right? If you can look back at experiences you or others have had and it always kind of ends up like this, then don’t put yourself in a situation thinking somehow this time it’s going to be very different. If you’ve struggled with self-control in the past, then don’t just somehow pray, «Well, this time I’m going to be so much stronger.» No, the smarter thing, the wiser thing, isn’t to ask, «Well, can I?» It’s to ask, «Should I?» That’s a question I want you to ask yourself right now when it comes to your devices because, just like sugar and just like sex, screens have a powerful influence on our hearts and the chemicals in our minds.
Maybe it’s the way they’re designed; maybe it’s the way the human heart is. But very, very many people, just like when we get too close to that bag of candy or that sexual temptation, in the moment, we stop thinking and just react. The brain craves the dopamine high from whatever experience. And if that’s true—that if you get too close to these screens, it’s hard to be really self-controlled—then what you and I should do, if we’re wise, is to come up with some boundaries. So before I say amen, that’s what I want to do. I want to get super practical with you. I’m going to try to apply this Old Testament wisdom to our modern digital lives.
I’m going to give you five suggestions today. And before I jump in, let’s just remember these are boundaries—these are personal rules and not divine commands, right? So you can’t go and judge people based on these rules. «Well, Pastor Mike said you shouldn’t.» No, I’m just saying if you struggle with screens, if your children struggle with screens, here are some things you might want to consider and talk about on the car ride home.
All right, five suggestions to give you good boundaries to take advantage of the blessings and avoid the bad things. The first one is by far the most important one. In fact, if you don’t do this one, I think you’re going to ignore the rest of the sermon. So circle it, put a little star by it in your bulletin if you’re taking notes at home, underline it a whole bunch; you can’t miss this, and most people do. The first suggestion I want to give to you today is to reject your Messiah complex.
You ever heard that phrase before, «Messiah complex?» It’s a complex; it’s this way of thinking in your head that you have to be available all the time so you can save all of the people. Like, «I can’t turn my phone off because someone will need me. I can’t be more than an arm’s length away from this device because there’s going to be some emergency. If this isn’t buzzing and ringing at every meeting, church service, and car ride, something’s going to happen, and everything’s going to fall apart, and it’s going to be my fault. I have to be like God—present everywhere to everyone all the time.» It sounds crazy, but does that explain why almost every church service, business meeting, and class is interrupted by, «Why do you have that thing on?» Well, I need to.
Is your wife eight and a half months pregnant? You don’t need to! «What if the pastor—there’s going to be an accident, and my son’s going to be in a ditch because his car flipped over, and he’s going to be freezing to death, and he’s going to be texting me, 'Help, Mom, where are you? ' and it’s going to be your fault because your phone wasn’t on.» This is what we think—there’s going to be an accident. There’s going to be an emergency. Someone’s going to need me, so I can’t possibly turn it off. I just want to tell you up front that is false. The world is okay without you. People don’t just fall over dead once you turn your phone off.
This happens when you go on vacation, right? You’re away from the office for a week, and you come back, and everything is fine. There’s not like zombies taking over the room and dumpster fires everywhere. Oh, it turns out you’re expendable. Yes, you are! You don’t need to have your phone on you; you don’t need everything buzzing and dinging; you don’t have to. So just realize that when it buzzes and dings, it’s not because you need to; it’s because you choose to.
And if we’re going to be a person who lives with boundaries, you don’t have to walk down the street by her house; you can take another route. And if it saves you from danger, smart people do that. All right, sermon over? Well, not really.
All right, number two. I do number two; it’s a huge one! I want you to consider today some screen-free spaces. Screen-free spaces—I want you to think of them. Oh, oh, I just want to say quietly and make this as awkward as possible—yeah, that happens. Is your mother dying? No? Is your wife pregnant? No, no, she’s fine! I heard you; I love it! Are there some spaces in your life where really, if you think about it, the point is not to click, or to scroll, or to check? It’s actually something bigger and better and more important!
Now, I would admit there are some times in life and in some spaces we go where checking your phone is not a big deal. If you’re sitting in the lobby at whatever, you’re probably not sitting in the doctor’s office waiting to meet your best friend or the love of your life, right? So if you pull your phone out and check, well, who cares? But there are other places where you go where there actually is something bigger that you probably want—it’s the reason why you came!
And is it wise for you, instead of everyone having to resist the temptation, just to make an agreement that this is a screen-free space? For example, the dinner table. Unlike Jesus at the painting of the Last Supper, where everyone’s kind of facing in one direction, dinner tables are literally designed where we get to look at each other in the eye. And you only have so much time with your mom or your dad, your brother, your sister, your son, or daughter. Life is crazy with practices and lessons and school and work, so when you finally get that time to be at this one little square or rectangle together, wouldn’t it be wise to just put everything away? And even if it’s just for 30 minutes, to give each other our full attention for a really good deep conversation?
And if Dad asks you a question that you don’t know how to answer, you don’t have to Google it because once you Google it, you’ll notice the texts or the snaps, and they’ll lose you! So wouldn’t it be smarter, if that place is all about family connection, to make it a screen-free place? Sorry about this one—what about church? I mean, when you and I come to church, I think we come with a higher goal. I want to know God; I want to receive the love of God; I want to connect with the people of God. But just human nature being what it is, once our devices are out, it’s hard to compete for someone’s attention with the internet.
I’m not sure if it’s just me, but when church starts, like, I can’t just sprint into worship and have my mind and my heart in the right spot. It takes some time for me to pray, to think, to ask the Holy Spirit to help me during this time. So if I’m, you know, rocking a couple levels of Candy Crush into the last second, I don’t know—is it me? Can I really worship for those first five minutes? And if I’m not, have I missed out on the whole reason that I came to church?
I actually think it’s hugely important for this church, and if you’re watching at home, it’s important for your church too. Did you know every single Sunday we have hundreds of people who come here who are not members of our church family? They’re friends and co-workers and neighbors and girlfriends and husbands who take that huge step, take a deep breath, and show up in this strange, unfamiliar place, hoping it’s not a train wreck of a church experience.
And when I talk to those many, many people after their first visit, what most of them will say that they loved—what brought them back for a second visit—was not the sermon. And it’s not even the music, as great as that is. What do people always talk about? «You people are so nice, Pastor!» Like, people—I have a hunch they only met like two people, that they met the people who started a conversation with them, who were so kind that they could just take a deep breath, relax, and know it was going to be a good spot. So if so-and-so is here for the very first time and they sit a row or two away from you, a chair or two away, and you’re lost checking work emails until the start of worship, you’ve actually missed an amazing opportunity to make someone feel comfortable here in God’s house as we listen to God’s word.
And so if we care about connections with God and connections with each other, is it possible that this could or should become a screen-free space? Now I could give you a bunch of more examples. How about the bedroom? Uh, the bedroom, if you’re not married, is really for one thing, and if you are, it’s for two things, and neither of those things is bingeing «The Office.» Scientists are telling us this: if you want to sleep well—which I think is the point of a bedroom—then be careful what you do at screens; it’ll stress you out. The light will mess with your brain! Like if you care about this thing, then be careful with these other things. And if couples need time to communicate and connect, to express their love and to make love, making your wife compete with whatever’s on your device is a dangerous thing and difficult for her to do.
So these aren’t rules, but dinner tables and churches and bedrooms or car rides—that’s your homework! If you came to church with someone today, ask that question: «What do you think should be our screen-free spaces?» Next idea—this one’s simple, but for me, it’s profound: do not disturb. Yeah! Swipe down, find the little moon. My phone’s in Spanish so mine says «No me molestes.» And you click that. If there’s some emergency, if mom’s on hospice, you can take it off. But I live 23 hours and 40 minutes a day on do not disturb. I don’t know if it’s my squirrel-like brain, but if it dings or rings or buzzes, I’m so curious that I always reach for it. So I make sure that I only reach for my phone when I want to, not when it wants me to.
It’s actually why—I read about deep work or truly creative problem solving. Brain scientists tell us that if you’re distracted from something you’re working on, it takes your brain about 23 minutes and 17 seconds to get back to the spot where it was. Or if I’m in the middle of writing a book, this is—oh, let me just check this quick. My brain doesn’t get right back to the spot where I was; it takes time to catch up and refresh, and the synapses are firing. It’s almost like if you found, like, some solution, like a scuba diver, you’re way down in the water. And if you choose to come up for air, it’s going to take you some time to get back to where you were.
And so if you’re having a great conversation with a friend over coffee, or you’re in the car with your son just sharing wisdom, like in the Proverbs, and where are we? What someone said? The most common phrase heard when a group of teenagers are at a coffee shop together is «Wait, what?» When two people laugh, and the third person was lost on their phone—when something you kind of hear out of the peripheral of your ears—what was that? Do not disturb! In the 1970s, there was a shocking recent invention on the first iterations of computers that allowed you to have two windows open at the same time—say, «Wow, wow.» And the people who were pitching the latest technological events, they were so impressed!
But one scientist at the conference, he raised his hand and he was not impressed; in fact, he was incensed. He stood up and he angrily said to the people, quote, «Why in the world would you want to be interrupted while programming? If I sit down to work on this, why would I want to be interrupted from doing that? If the reason I sat down was to do A, why would I want to have to compete with B?» These days we might update the question and say, «If I finally have a chance to see my friend face to face, why would I want some sports score to interrupt me? If I have this precious time with the people that I love, or only one hour a week to be here with God’s people in his house, why would I want to be interrupted?» Do not disturb! I’m doing sacred holy work: loving God and loving his people.
Next idea, I’ll keep this one quick—limits force decisions. Have you ever had to count calories before? I’m sure if you’re on a special diet or ever just done it to see what you do. If you don’t count calories, you don’t have to make any decisions! Right? «Should I have one peanut butter cup or 72?» Well, who cares? I’m not counting! But if I had like a limit of the amount of calories I could have, my brain is starting to say, «Well, if you have one more of those, you can have one of those.» If you live a limitless life digitally, you’ll just do stuff because there’s no boundary to keep you wise and to keep you thoughtful.
So when you have a limit on your device, when you say, «Okay, you know, at the end of this week, if I spent a half hour a day on social media, I’d feel good about that,» that forces you to think, «Well, what kind of social media do I want to use?» I can’t just scroll and scroll and scroll because the clock’s ticking. And every minute I’m just like looking for something to entertain me, I’m missing out on something that I might really love, like connecting with my friends on Snapchat or whatever. All right? So the devices are really helpful this way; it’s really easy on modern phones. So just pick a limit.
I know there’s a little button that says «Ignore limits,» so you’re going to have to ignore the ignore button, but once you pick a limit that you feel good about, in the end, it’s going to force a decision. It’s going to snap your brain out of it, like my wife saying, «Stop!» And before you do something you regret, it’s going to call you back to wisdom.
All right, final idea today. This actually might be the most important one of all: my wife told me she read about this in a book on technology and faith, and she was so right! Here’s what she learned: Scripture before screens. Buy an old-school alarm clock; get your phone out of your bedroom. Don’t allow that to be the first thing that shapes the thoughts in your head or the emotions of your heart. Instead, keep an old-school paper Bible as the one thing that’s waiting for you when you wake up.
I’ve been doing this for years. As much as I love technology, I refuse to read my Bible through technology. I just can’t handle the distractions. I just need this old-school paper, pen, just me and Jesus to start every day. It’s what my wife does, and she’s a godly beautiful woman. Some message is going to shape how you feel at the start of the day, and when you grab your phone, you never know what that message is going to be. But when you grab this book, you always do. I think of the words of John chapter 1, verse 14—a great Christmas verse speaking about Jesus. It says, «The Word became flesh,» that’s Jesus coming down from heaven, «and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.»
I love that line about Jesus. He is full of grace—that means he has this unending, unstoppable, unconditional love—and he’s full of truth means there’s no fake news in Jesus. He doesn’t exaggerate; he doesn’t lie; he doesn’t flatter. What he says is always true; you can always trust it, and it’s always for your good because it’s always full of grace. If you grab your phone, what do you find? Opinion? Prediction? What do they say in the newsroom? «If it bleeds, it leads!» Every death, every shooting, every war, every fear, anger—if you grab your phone, you are most likely to find things that suck the joy out of your very soul.
But if you grab the Word of God, if Scripture comes before screens, you start with something that is a firm foundation: the truth and love of God. Some of you here today have never done this; you’ve never had a regular habit to start the day with the Word of God. And if I can give you one piece of advice, it would be that: find a Bible, stick it next to your bedside, brush your teeth, go to the bathroom if you need to, and then crawl back in that bed and let God speak to your heart.
About a week ago, a guy from our church sent me a picture that was very concerning to him. He was looking up some video from our church, some message that I had preached that he wanted to send to a family member. And so he was typing my name into Google. I’ve never seen that section in Google that says, «People also ask,» and then lists a couple of questions. The number one question when he typed my name into a Google search bar was, «How much does Pastor Mike Novotny make?» And then it had that little arrow so you could open it up and see the answer, and he was pretty curious, and he clicked it, and it said, «3.6 million dollars.» So he took a picture and he sent it to me, and I took a picture and sent it to my wife, and she said, quote, «I gotta get that life insurance money, so if some tragedy happens to me before Christmas, you got to talk to my wife; I think she did it!» Well, it turns out there’s another Mike Novotny; he is the president, I think, of a dog food company. I’m in the wrong business! Holy cow! And he actually is worth 3.6 million dollars. I am not, just in case you’re wondering. We’re not that kind of television ministry.
But I thought of that; here’s this, «Oh my goodness, I’m worth so much money!» But it wasn’t true. Has anyone told you this about the internet? It’s not always true; it’s not always good. But you know what happens when you grab that book? It’s always true, and it’s always good because your heart, just like mine, has big questions about God. «Pastor, I’ve struggled with addiction or adultery. I keep going back to jealousy or overindulgence. I have no boundaries; can you forgive me?» is the frequently asked question. And when you grab a Bible and click on the answer, it says, «The blood of Jesus purifies us from all sins.» And you think, «I’m so late to church! I spend most of my life not even thinking about God. Do I still have a chance to get to heaven?» And you open the Bible’s little window, and it says, «God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.»
And you think, «Well, I struggle so much as a partner, as a parent, as a person. I go back to the same things that I told God last church service I wasn’t going to do. Is there mercy for me?» And you click the answer and it says, «Our sins are many, but where sin increased, grace increased all the more!» Instead of some blog, some opinion, some comment, it’s the Word that comes from the one who’s full of both grace and truth. I promise you this: there’s no better way to start your day than with the grace and truth found in Jesus Christ.
So what are you gonna do? A few rules, many suggestions. How can you live with wisdom? You don’t have to do all of them or most of them, but I’d love for you to think very carefully: at the end of my life, what kind of person do I want to be? What kind of relationships do I want to have? And how can these little growing rectangles help me get there instead of holding me back? The fact is, my friends, you are one Sunday closer to being dead. You only get one chance at this. Let’s make the most of it! Let’s connect with people; let’s connect with Jesus; let’s make a difference. Let’s let these be the tools that we use to get there, not the problems that hold us back. May God help us do it. Let’s pray.
Oh, Heavenly Father, it’s easy to talk big in church. It’s easy when the book is open and people are clapping and nodding and saying, «Amen.» It’s not so easy when it’s just us and that device. You say that when you’re worried, that the Holy Spirit has the ability to produce the fruits of self-control, and that’s what we’re hoping for. But today, as we rooted ourselves in your Word, that it would produce the fruit where we can say no when it’s not good for us, and yes, when it is. God, I pray for everyone here, but especially for the young minds and hearts. Just as our brains are developing chemically, it’s so difficult when you’ve lived your whole life one way to make a change and to make things different. So we need your supernatural help, and we’re calling upon you today. Help us to be the kind of people who don’t live with regrets because we’ve followed your Spirit and done not just what is allowable but what’s wise.
May your words shape us, that every single day we would be full of the grace and the truth of Jesus—the one who came down, looked us in the face, and gave his body so that we could be forgiven of all of our sins. It’s in his name that we pray all these things, and all God’s people say, «Amen.»