Michael Todd - Forgive yoU (How to Forgive Yourself)
This is week five of a series we’re calling «I Need Everybody in the Building to Help Me Say F.U.» And that stands for «Forgiveness University.» I’m glad to let you know right now that you have made it to the halfway point of this series, and that means it’s time to start putting what we’ve learned into action. We have spent the last four weeks setting a foundation for forgiveness, developing an understanding of what forgiveness is, what it isn’t, how it is supposed to move, and how it is supposed to be used in our lives. The one thing I can sum all of that up with is this one definition that I keep giving to every person every week: forgiveness is a primary spiritual discipline of every Christ follower. Do not claim to be a Christian if you do not forgive.
I need to be that clear. It may be hard for you to do right now; that’s why you’re enrolled in this course. It may be difficult because of what you’ve gone through, but do not claim to be a Christian and think that you can hold everybody accountable for what they’ve done to you your entire life and never release anybody. You have to forgive. The reason I’m saying this to you is that in church all my life, forgiveness was mentioned so frequently that it lost its power. «Oh, I need to forgive them. I’m going to be mad for a little bit, but then I’ll forgive them.»
Come on, let’s be honest. It’s like, «Yeah, I’m just working on forgiving,» but nobody actually did it; they just said they were going to do it or that they needed to do it. We were never taught how to do it. That’s why I’m doing ten weeks on this series, because it is a primary spiritual discipline of every believer. And somebody’s saying, «Well, Pastor Mike, what is forgiveness?» Let me give you a definition of forgiveness. Please take me to the big board. Forgiveness is the intentional—everybody say «intentional"—and voluntary process—everybody say «voluntary"—by which a victim—this means it’s legitimate; they messed you over, they did something wrong, they abused their power. It’s legitimate; you are the victim.
I don’t want to take that away from anybody because a lot of times people get offended and they don’t want to forgive because they want the person to know that what happened to them is legitimate. What I’m telling you is that it did happen; it is legitimate. You were wronged; you were violated. So you, as the victim, undergo a change or transformation in your feelings and attitude regarding an offense. They did it; they offended you. And because of the power of Jesus Christ, you overcome negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance. God wants you to realize that forgiveness is not for them; forgiveness is for you. Most people don’t understand that. They feel like they have power over someone: «I ain’t forgiving you; you ain’t never coming to this family reunion again!» You are never going to come again, and it’s like, «Yo, they are living their life, not even thinking about you,» and you’re trapped in this whirlwind of thoughts.
Some of y’all have people on your Instagram and Facebook feed right now that are twisting you around in all kinds of frustration because you’re like, «How are they on vacation? They don’t remember what they did to me. How did they wish me a happy birthday? They don’t even think about it!» And you’re trapped in this because you have not experienced forgiveness, and God wants you to be free. So last week we gained an understanding; Proverbs 4:7 says, «Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom. And in all your getting, get an understanding.» So last week we gained understanding.
Now I want to move us into wisdom, and wisdom is applied knowledge. Now that we understand it, it’s time to apply it. Okay? Now I want to let everybody know I told you for four weeks I’m not going to ask you to forgive. Some church people, who are used to everything happening in the same service, have been like, «When am I going to forgive? When am I going to forgive?» And you’ve been trying to do it in your own way. Just let the course finish. It’s been four weeks and I have not asked anybody to forgive anybody. But today is your first day of forgiveness.
Today I believe the understanding of it is strong enough, and if you haven’t watched it, go back and watch all four of the other sessions. But today, we’re going to apply what we have learned. We’re going to walk in—everybody say «wisdom.» Yep. And I think that’s what the culture is missing right now: we have a lot of information but not enough wisdom, not enough applied knowledge. And today I want us to walk in wisdom.
So who are we going to forgive? Pastor Mike, I have so many people on my list. Who am I going to forgive? My dad? Today, my mom? My coworker who made a rude comment about my hair when I was really going for that look, and I hate them now? Am I going to forgive my teacher who looked down on me? Am I going to forgive my spouse? That person would probably be good because we sleep in the same bed, and it’s just really been cold for the past five years. Am I going to forgive my siblings, with whom I’m not looking forward to spending Thanksgiving or Christmas? Am I going to forgive even my pastor, the one who did the wrong thing to me and used me for my gift but didn’t see my calling? Who am I going to forgive today, Pastor Mike?
None of them. The first person that you’re going to forgive today, which is usually the last person that you think about, is yourself. Today, I want to say to you, «F.U.; forgive you.» Today, I don’t want to talk about forgiving anybody else externally; today, I want to talk about forgiving the one who it’s hardest to forgive: forgiving the one who was there, forgiving the one who sent the text, forgiving the one who made the inner vow, forgiving the one who made a timeline and, because of a decision that I made, I missed the opportunity that I thought was going to change everything. And I’ve been silently holding myself responsible for not being in the place that I thought I should be. Today, F.U.; forgive you.
Why don’t we start with the person that you would like to deflect the light from? I just walked around for many years trying to get this concept for other people, and I never gained freedom for myself. I’m scared that too many people have their list of people that have wronged them and that they want to forgive now, but then they can forgive all of those people. You’ve gone to the gravesite and cried over the graveside; you’ve written letters to them, and you’ve done all of these other things, yet you still feel trapped because the one person that you’ve never forgiven is yourself.
So, we’re going to forgive Mom and Dad; we’re going to forgive the pops; we’re going to forgive everybody that hated on us. But let’s start with forgiving you. Look at what the scripture says about it, and I want you to write this point down because I think this will help you. There are people right now that this feels uncomfortable for them, but I promise you that by the end, you’re going to know you’re worth being forgiven. Selfish forgiveness is the first step to selfless forgiveness. Selfish forgiveness—talking about you forgiving you—is the first step to actually being selfless in forgiveness. Look at what Mark 8:36 says: «For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his own soul?»
Mind, will, and emotions; isn’t that where the battle happens? On the inside of me—in my mind, my will, and my emotions. I see people. How many people right now talk to yourself? Come on, let’s be honest. «Oh my God, why did you even say that? You sounded like such a dweeb when you said that.» «Oh my God, I look good today!» And you do all of this stuff in your self-talk, and if we were to play out loud the dialogue you have with yourself, you would be your worst critic. Even the people who act like they’ve got it all together, prideful and acting like they’re all that, honestly, all of that is a mask for how you actually feel about yourself. What I’ve found in this is that God doesn’t want you to forgive everybody else and forget about yourself. You don’t forgive everybody else and forget yourself. That’s why forgiveness is your key. Somebody say, «Forgiveness is the key.» Say it again: «Forgiveness is the key.»
Let me give you an actual example. See, what forgiveness does is it locks you up; it puts you in chains. Hold on one second, let me wipe my eyes. Okay, it puts me in chains. Go ahead now, ow! Why did you put me in like that? See, the thing about this right now is I can get an instruction and lift my hands and praise God. Yeah, I’m going to limit it. Um, tie your shoe. Okay? Like, basic things; I’m chained up. But the crazy thing about forgiving you is it doesn’t take anybody else to do this work; it takes you because you have the key. When he put the chains on me, I have the key. So, even though I want to focus on what everybody else needs, I need to slow down enough to put the key in.
Now I’ve got the key; no, but you’re coming over, and you’re going to chain me again. You’re going to come back in here and offend me again; you’re going to come and say something different. Hold on. Before I act out of what they did, I’ve got the key. I can actually forgive myself for going to the party. Yeah, I know I want to talk about the offense that happened at the party, but the problem is if I wouldn’t have gone, it would have never happened. So, I need to forgive myself for even deciding to go to that school, for choosing that degree, for even getting married to that person. I need to let myself go for letting my kids spend the night at their house; they would have never been abused if I had said no.
What God is saying is that even when you forgive everybody else, you can still be sitting here in prison because you did text back. I thought it was just going to be a cute little thing. I was just feeling better about myself, so I thought the relationship was just going to be a cute little thing that I could, you know, have on the weekends. And it turned into a three-year abusive relationship if I wouldn’t have been on Instagram. Many of us get external healings, but we still have internal failures, and so we never forgive ourselves for the internal failures. But you have the key. Forgive yourself; let yourself go. You don’t need your husband to do this; you don’t need your kids to do this; you don’t need anybody. You have the key. Even though this hand is free, this hand still bears the scars, but I still have the key.
I just came to tell somebody, by the spirit of God, that the things that have been holding you back—I’m taking my time on this because it’s going to take you a minute to understand that you’re worth being forgiven—the things that have been chaining you, God gives you the key. It does not matter if they bring another set of handcuffs; I still have the key. It doesn’t matter if I move to another town and get a new job and get offended the same way when they put the cuffs on me; I can control forgiving myself. Somebody say, «I got the key.» Say it again: «I got the key.» So what do you want me to do, Pastor Mike? Forgive you first. Forgive you first.
Somebody needs to, this week, get on your phone, and I’m going to do this because I had to do it in one of the hardest places in my life. Some of you know my testimony, but when I—me and Pastor Nat, we were high school sweethearts. I just feel like, can I be raw today? Charles can I just—because this is not for the ones who come just for fanfare. I’m trying to get somebody changed and transformed. Me and Pastor Nat have been together since I was 14 years old. So what ends up happening in this moment is I come into a relationship with her, and we’re on our road to get married, and then I cheat on her. I literally sacrificed everything that God gave me that was good for a moment of pleasure that ended up robbing me for years to come. I worked so hard on making the relationship right with her that I hated looking at myself. I was literally going through so much.
Here’s my cell phone: I’d never do that again! That when I got by myself, I didn’t even like—I remember not looking at myself in the mirror or getting dressed in the dark, or not wanting to see what I caused myself. I know everybody’s not there right now, but you might be in a different season, and this word may help you. What you need to do this week is look yourself in the mirror, and you need to get your cell phone out and just say, «Michael, I forgive you.» Come on, somebody needs to do it right now. Get your cell phone out. See, this is the first time because some of you when you look at you, you see what you did. You see the guilt, you see the shame, you see the pain. You look at the situation, but go and get your cell phone out right now, and don’t look at me on the screen; look at yourself. I want you to say that you forgive yourself. I forgive you. Come on, Michael! I forgive you! Say your name. Come on, say it again: Michael, I forgive you.
Do you know how awkward this is for many people right now? What I’m trying to do is get you to understand that I need to forgive you. Do you see what you did to me? Forgive me; I want to forgive you. And God says, turn it around: I forgive you for answering that phone call. I forgive you for actually taking that action. I forgive you for forfeiting what God had for you in that season. I forgive you, and if I forgive you, it reminds me of how much I need Him because I project what other people think about me. I know what you think about yourself. I know that everything you did wasn’t an accident; you meant to do some of those things. I know you planned it. I know you had thoughts that if she didn’t sleep with you tonight, you’d just come home and watch pornography and masturbate.
I know, I know you, and today I’m forgiving you. I’m releasing you. I’m taking back what the enemy has tried to use as a pawn to keep me in prison, and I’m submitting myself openly to God and telling you that no matter where we are today, I forgive you. If we’re in a marriage that’s terrible, I forgive you. If we’re the ones causing abuse to someone else, I don’t know if I can make it right with them, but today, I have to free you. I forgive you. I need to see myself differently than I’ve seen myself before, and today this may be the hardest step of forgiveness I take. But if I can get it right with me, I can certainly get it right with you. I forgive you. Where’s the organ? Where’s the shout? None of that matters. See, because the intimacy you need to enter into in order to forgive yourself is one that maybe a lot of people can’t be around for.
See, what I need everyone to understand is this: taking the time to forgive myself and being selfish enough to say, «I need to forgive me,» reminds me of what I’ve actually done and who I truly am, and it does something to me. It humbles me. When I think about who I really am at the heart level without God and what I’ve done—though I point the finger at everyone else—I think about the times I tried to manipulate my way into situations, hurting that person when I intentionally made a joke about them because I felt insecure about myself. So, let me make them feel bad about themselves to elevate my own self-worth. All the times I did it on purpose make me feel humbled. And this is one of the key ingredients that’s missing from forgiveness because you cannot forgive anyone else in pride. To be forgiven and to understand all that you’ve done, and God still says, «I forgive you,» humbles you. It brings you lower; it makes the self less.
Let me give you an example. Since we’re in college, do you all remember this symbol: the less than and greater than symbol? Do you all remember that? If it faces a certain way, it means «less than,» and if it faces the other way, it means «greater than.» When you actually forgive yourself and are reminded of all the things God said, «Yeah, I’ll forgive that, and I’ll let you be free from that, and I’ll give you the key to let go of that,» what ends up happening is that self becomes less than the need for an apology from them.
So, I want an apology, but because I’ve been humbled by the forgiveness that I needed for myself, self is less than. I don’t need an apology; I can release you, even if you never acknowledge that you did it. I feel the presence of God coming into this place to help somebody. This is why you have to forgive yourself first because we have a plan for how we want things to happen. But what you need to know is that self has to be less than. What’s next? What people will think. Well, if I let them go, they’re going to think I’m weak, and my mom raised me to be strong. You know what I’m saying! I’m a strong single woman, and I will bust your head if you want to try me! Let’s be honest: how many of us do things because of what others think? And God says when you become humble before Him and realize how much forgiveness you need, self is less than what people think.
This is a big one: revenge. I’m going to forgive them once they feel what they did to me, and I’m going to intentionally make them feel how they made me feel. After I know their heart has been broken like mine was, do you all know how many relationships, especially in marriages, when someone cheats, the spouse then cheats too? That’s not because the spouse wanted to cheat; it’s because I’m not going to forgive you until you experience what I felt. So, self is not less than revenge; what is it? Self is greater than—and this is where pride comes in. And God is saying the reason you have to start forgiving yourself is that it makes you aware of the forgiveness that you need; it brings you low.
When I was in that moment and sitting there crying to Natalie about how badly I messed up and how badly I want her heart to trust me again, I knew this was going to be a process: self was less than anything else. The only way I could forgive myself was to humble myself, and then I said, «God, You’re going to have to help me.» He said, «No, I’m not. You did what I said in My Word: You humbled yourself.» He said, «This is the greatest thing any believer can learn: to humble yourself, so I don’t have to.» I said, «You’re going to have to give me Scripture.» He said, «Great, I got it for you. I want you to go to 1 Peter 4:6.» He said, «Michael, when you forgive yourself, you get humbled. What you need to realize, I’m telling you, is humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, and then watch this: at the right time, He will lift you up in honor.»
They told me this week that «Relationship Goals,» the book based on me and Natalie’s relationship, is the number nine top-selling book in the world out of every book that’s ever been made—over two hundred thousand titles in 2020. Let me help you understand that people now know me for my relationship. But how it started was in humility. We’re looking to be relationship goals when God says, «I need you to just humble yourself. I need you to get in a place where you face what has happened and take ownership of that thing, and you can begin to humble yourself and start with forgiving yourself.»
Write this point down: forgiving yourself produces humility, and humility is required to forgive anyone else. This is why I’m going to see if people are going to stay a part of this class, because it’s going to hurt to look at what you have done and not be prideful about it, putting it on them. Well, Pastor, you don’t understand my situation. I understand. I don’t get your situation, but is there anything in you that needs to be brought low?
And this is the Scripture that reminds me all the time: Psalm 138:6. Even though the Lord is high above, He sees humble people closely, and He recognizes arrogant people from a distance. He still recognizes you, but He’s further away. How many people just raise your hand right now if you need help forgiving? Come on, I need help forgiving. I need God, I need the Holy Spirit, I need baby Jesus; I need all of them! I need help forgiving! Well, God says if you need My help, you have to be humble. So, if you need help, you have to get humble. If not, you’re trying to get assistance from a distance.
This is how many people live their Christian life. They don’t want to change anything. They want salvation, but they don’t really want to walk in regeneration. They don’t want to have sanctification; they don’t want to walk worth anything. So, what they do is say, «I’m saved, but God, I need Your help,» and He says, «The sin in your life, the people you keep accusing of things you’re doing—you don’t put Me close, you put Me at a distance.» And I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to actually be able to forgive, I don’t need assistance from a distance. I need God to be close to me for the things I have to forgive. I need Him to be close. Humility produces closeness with God.
Some of you right now don’t even want to accept this word. You’re thinking, «What’s T.D. Jakes talking about? What’s Steven Furtick talking about?» This is the very word you need right now to be able to stop focusing on everyone else externally and deal with yourself. Somebody say, «I’m going to forgive me.» Mark 12:30. Thank You, Holy Spirit. You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. Secondly, and it’s equally important, love your neighbor as you love yourself. No commandment is greater than these.
Okay, Pastor Mike, you’re saying I have to love my neighbor. What does it mean to love? I’m glad you asked. Let’s go to 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, kind; it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Can we stop there? No, we have to keep going. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love forgives. Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices in the truth. I came to tell somebody that you need to forget the «who» and focus on «you.» Forgive you.
If you forgive yourself for making that inner vow that you would be married by 26, and now you’re 32 and feel that if you had just done this, that could have happened, forgive yourself for the personal promise that you broke. I’m going to be a virgin until I get married, and it was that one night at prom that you decided to do this thing, and it happened, and spiraled into habits that are now your lifestyle. Forgive yourself for your predetermined deadlines that you set, saying, «By this time, I’m going to be a millionaire,» and now, every moment after that time is miserable because of something you said, not something God said.
Forgive yourself for taking advantage of people and situations. Some of you were manipulators of situations—manipulators of your parents, manipulators of boyfriends and girlfriends, or co-workers. Forgive yourself for the immaturity. Some of us made dumb decisions because we didn’t know. Can we be honest? There were some dumb things I did just because I was immature, and those immaturities had real-life adult consequences. I have to forgive myself for what I did. Forgive yourself for the neglect. Some of you were bad parents; I don’t know all the things that went around it, I don’t know all the hurts you were dealing with, but now you look at your kids in the place that they are, and every time you see them, you can’t rejoice in any good because you still haven’t forgiven yourself.
I know nobody talks about this; I know this is not glamorous. But the relationship that’s strained with you and a family member is because of something you actually did. You said it when they were out of the room; they found out about it, and now your relationship is broken, and you still haven’t forgiven yourself for the jealousy that pushed you away from people that God called to you. Those people were supposed to be in your life, but because you got jealous of them, you pushed them away. Now you’re walking in isolation, making up excuses like «Nobody’s for me. I just feel like I’m called to walk alone.» And God’s like, «No, I sent you Jerome, and he was supposed to walk with you, but you pushed him away because he got a job promotion and you didn’t, or because he got this thing and God’s saying, 'Forgive yourself for the part you played in that.'»
And this is a big one: forgive yourself for the flagrant fouls—the things you did flagrantly. One thing I know about myself is that when I was in that situation—and you already know I can’t teach on anything that I’m not going through or that I’ve gone through—I have to be authentic. When I cheated on Pastor Natalie, a lot of those things were not accidents. Excuse me, none of them were. Nobody made me get in the car and drive to that person’s house at that time of night to take them to the gas station. That was flagrant. Nobody made me ignore the phone call when the Holy Spirit was sending somebody to disrupt the flow of what was happening. God was giving me a way of escape, and I ignored it.
What happens when God performs His Word in your life, and you hit ignore? What if He gives you a way out, and you intentionally jump over the hurdle? He put a speed bump in your path, and you ran right through it? Those were flagrant fouls I committed, and I tried to get it right with them and them and them, but God said, «You still didn’t forgive yourself.» I feel the presence of God right now; it’s time for you to forgive yourself. All right, I’m going to be very practical with this because I know I’ve been building up to this.
The reason this is so deep in me is that I walked around for almost a decade actually holding myself accountable for the mental space I was in and for the emotional space I was in. I never knew that I had the key the whole time; I had the key to get out of this. God wants to give you the key today, so write this down. I’m going to give you just a few points right now. If you’re going to forgive, the first thing you’re going to have to do is face you. You have to face you, and the only way you can face you is to actually look at yourself— to get a mirror of what is going on. I’m not just talking about a regular mirror; the mirror that God gives us spiritually is His Word.
Our spiritual mirror is the Word of God. When I read the Bible, I see that my attitude is nasty. That’s why many of you stay away from it. Because if you actually start reading it, it shows you what’s on you. It’s the only book that you read, and it reads you. I cannot hide that I’m walking in pride when I read the Word; I cannot hide that I’m in sexual temptation when I read the Word. When I put that mirror on myself and I start looking at what God says is good, at what grace looks like and what His love looks like, I see clearly that I’m not walking in love.
What happens is we have interactions with people. I have an interaction with Charles, and I’m like, «Yo, bro, I love what God’s doing in your life, man, and I appreciate you,» but I’m really hating on the inside. I can’t wear a whole pajama suit to lead praise and worship, and I can’t put one on myself. I can’t even. You know what I’m saying? My kids— they can’t even look as cute as your blue-eyed kids. I walk away from that situation, and you see me but I don’t see me. The problem is if you don’t face yourself, you will walk around like everything’s great— blessed and highly favored, God is moving in my life; I don’t have unforgiveness toward anybody— and everybody sees you as angry, mad, bitter, spiteful; you actually hate your parents. But it’s not until you get into the Word of God.
That’s why I’m proud that you’re here; that’s why I’m glad that you keep coming back every week. Because when you crack open the Word of God, it puts a «Oh shoot, what in the world? This doesn’t even go with who I want to be! This doesn’t even match my character! This is not even who I’m supposed to look like!» I thought I was up here looking professional, but I look like a fool because I have not fully faced myself. Today, I don’t know who you are, but some of you need to face yourself. You need to get in the Word of God; you need to keep coming back to this series; you need to replay this message so that God can say, «Hey, that’s an area you need to forgive.»
Look at James 1:23. Here’s some Bible for you: For anyone who hears the word but does not carry it out, oh, you’re in trouble if you’re watching this right now, because you’re now accountable for what God’s giving you right now. If you hear the Word but you don’t actually forgive yourself, you don’t actually forgive others, watch what it says: it’s like a man who looks at his own face in a mirror and after observing himself goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. I did not make that up; that is the Bible. It would be like me coming in here and saying, «Dang, I look bad! Dang, I look good! What’s going on with my face? What’s going on with your face? Get your face like mine!»
That’s what happens when you tune in to Transformation Church and get your spiritual high but you don’t plan to take action this week. That’s what happens when God tells you that you need to be convicted of that, and I’m going to lovingly give you grace, and then you keep going to the club and hooking up with people and your lifestyle hasn’t changed. He said you’re like a man who sees and then forgets what he looks like. You have what I call spiritual amnesia, and the reason you can’t forgive anybody else is that you won’t face yourself. Today, I’m here to encourage you— it may be hard to look at yourself like this; it may be difficult to see all the spots that have happened throughout your life —but I’m telling you that if you face yourself, then God can fix you.
If you face yourself— I said it, God can fix you. I believe by the power of the Holy Spirit that through this series, God is going to allow you, by His Word, to see exactly where it’s at. When I’m looking at His Word, He can reveal to me: «It was when you were six years old and your aunt told you that thing; that’s where fear came in.» But until you face you, God cannot fix you. Let me give you the next thing you’re going to have to do if you want to forgive yourself: you’re going to have to own yourself. You can’t just face yourself; own that it was on you. It’s been there.
Take— oh, watch this— the cuss word: responsibility. I know it was 95% their fault, but the only thing you can control is what God is doing in you on that 5%. Everybody say, «Own it!» Yeah, it’s time. If you’re going to be able to forgive yourself, it can’t be all about them. There was a time, there was a moment that maybe you did one little thing. Yes, they are the ones who did wrong, but I can’t fix them, but I can own myself. What God is saying to His people today is, «I don’t care if they ever recognize how they damaged you; I care that you are healed. Forgive yourself. Face yourself. Own yourself.»
Look what the Bible says in Galatians 6:3: If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their— what’s that word? — own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone without comparing themselves to someone else. I don’t have to worry about what everybody else is doing when I take responsibility for my own actions. For each one should carry their— watch this— own load. Whatever my load is, it’s not compared to your load; it’s my own load, and I’m taking that. Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the Word should share all good things with their instructor. That’s why I’m talking to you today, because I learned to carry my own load as a pastor.
My staff, my wife —everybody will tell you I will say where I messed up. I will tell people that was my pride. I will tell people. We’ve had Bree sitting here, our chief of staff; there have been so many times where I came in, and I was like— even with me releasing music and stuff—we’ve done this probably three times in the past six years. I’d be like, «This day I’m releasing music; it’s God’s timing for me, and we’re going to see a breakthrough.» Then I’d come back after we’ve spent money, after we used time, and I thought I drove my wife crazy. I’d be like, «Um, let me get lower. Let me humble myself.» I know I’m the pastor of the church, and I know that I’m supposed to hear from the Lord for everybody, but can I own myself real quick?
I was getting frustrated about where the ministry was in the music department, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I thought I was going to do something to help God, but I was wrong. I apologize for what I did— my part, my own load in making this hard for the whole staff and team. And Natalie, I need to tell you that I apologize to you for the times I was giving you attitude and I was angry at you because I had made something in my mind that you weren’t supporting my dreams. But you were actually there as a guardrail to help me stay focused. Because I had the wrong perspective, I need to own that I did give you attitude. That one time I forgot about that thing— I didn’t really forget; I just wanted you to feel how I felt. I wanted you to feel unsupported. So, at this current moment, I need to own myself. I’m teaching now, and the problem with you is that you want it to be everybody else, and you won’t own your load.
I know they did the majority of it, but the piece I have, I’mma own it. Yeah, Natalie had sex with another dude when we were not together, so I felt insecure; so I had sex with somebody. But she didn’t make me do that; I did that. That was the way I thought I’d feel better. But I gotta own myself. God’s not going to call you and your offender up and judge you. He’s not going to call you and everybody who contributed to you making that decision before the Great White Throne; it’s going to be you. And my question is: on earth, will you have faced yourself? Will you have owned yourself? Own your own load because it’s a key for you to actually forgive yourself.
Let me tell you the next one: you need to remind yourself. After you face yourself and see all the ugly, and you own yourself because you actually did it, you need to remind yourself of who God calls you to be. You’re not what you did; you’re who He says you are. This is where the enemy tries to trick people and where people fall into the pit of depression. They face themselves and they own it, and then they don’t get reminded of what God says about them. That’s why the Word of God is so important in your life.
Failure is an event; it is not a person. Failure is an event; I failed at that. I failed in that situation. I failed at that marriage, but I’m not a failure. Somebody needs to hear me say that: I failed getting into that college. I failed being able to make that team. I failed being able to raise those kids, but I’m not a failure. Failure is an event; it is not a person. And that’s why the enemy really plays with people; he toys with them with the controller of guilt and shame. But I need you to understand: because you owned it and you faced it, you got to remind yourself of who God says you are. Guilt is feeling bad for what you did, but shame is feeling bad for who you are. And God’s saying, «I died for both of them: for the guilt and the shame.» On the cross, He stretched out His arms and died for guilt and shame.
I come to encourage somebody today that as you start on this journey of forgiving yourself, you’re going to remember all of these things, and you’re going to be like, «Oh, I deserve this! I deserve the consequences!» and God said, «Will you remind yourself? Remind yourself of who I said you are. You’re a child of God according to John 1:12. I’m a friend of Jesus according to John 15:15. I have been justified and redeemed according to Romans 3:24. My old self— my thought self, my player self— was crucified with Christ, and I am no longer a slave to sin according to Romans 6.
I’m worthy, I’m called, I’m chosen; God has a plan for me.» Remind yourself of who God says you are because when you forgive yourself, God says, «And I still choose you.» Do y’all realize it wasn’t that long ago that Pastor Mike was a really bad person? Like, you would say, «Don’t date him; don’t hang out with him; don’t like him.» With all my mess, when I reminded myself of who God said I am, He gave me the courage to move past where I was because He had a greater future for me than I even saw for myself. Today, as you face yourself, I’m giving you practical steps right here. Then, you’re going to own yourself— yeah, I did it— but then you’re going to remind yourself that God sees more in you than anybody who has ever been around you. Somebody needs to get that so clearly.
I’m going to keep moving, but there is somebody who’s pulling on me because you’re saying there’s no way that God still sees good in me. He created you, so there is good in you because He is good, and everything He puts His hand in and breathes His breath into is good. You may not have had a good season or a good chapter, but the best days of your life, if you allow it, are right in front of you. You gotta face it; you gotta own it, but you gotta remind yourself that before you were in your mother’s womb, God knew you. He had plans for you— plans to prosper you. You will live and not die!
Somebody’s pulling on me right now. I bind the spirit of suicide, depression, and anxiety that has been trying to take somebody out. God says, «I love you more than your failure.» Today, I’m reminding you that this is just a chapter; turn the page! This is just a chapter! Somebody say «turn the page!» Turn the page! Where you’ve been is not where God has for you. This is temporary; this is not your destination; this is just transportation. Turn the chapter, turn the page! There’s somebody pulling on me, Charles, because somebody was about to give up. Somebody started to think about all the things they did, and they were about to give up—but God came to… I want to remind you today that this is not the end. You are going to face yourself, you are going to own your truth, and then you’re going to remind yourself of your worth.
Watch this, because it’s the part we don’t often discuss in church. You’re going to grieve who you thought you would become. You will grieve the family you envisioned having. You will grieve the career you set aside to follow God, which hasn’t turned out as you had hoped. Grieve it. Feel it. The Holy Spirit is okay with you taking a moment and saying, «This sucks. I didn’t expect that one mistake would lead to ten years of marriage counseling.»
I didn’t expect for my wife to not trust me after I hadn’t done anything wrong for years. My phone died in the car, and now she’s upset when we get home because she feels like she did back then when I wasn’t answering the phone on purpose. This sucks. It’s tough to honor someone while they think you’re trying to take from them, or steal the spotlight. When I gave up that six-figure job, I thought God would provide from glory to glory, faith to faith. And now I’m in this one-bedroom apartment, having to give up all my investments. This sucks. It’s part of forgiving yourself. You can grieve it; you can feel it. Can I prove it to you? The Bible dedicates an entire chapter to lamenting; it’s called Lamentations. Do you know what that word means? A song of sorrow.
God divinely allowed there to be an entire chapter in the Bible of songs of sorrow, like Billie Eilish’s «I had a dream, I got everything I wanted.» Sad songs provoke thought about grief. Think of other artists like Billie Holiday or Bone Thugs-n-Harmony’s «Tha Crossroads.» Songs of sorrow force you to think about loss before it even happens. This sucks, but the Holy Spirit is okay with that being part of your process. Face yourself, own yourself, remind yourself, and then grieve. Grieve the body you thought you would have, the children you wanted but didn’t have. God, kids, and roles—the God of abundance. Grieve it. Feel it, but don’t stay there. Acknowledge it, write it in your journal, tell your therapist, but remember this is not your final destination. The enemy tries to keep you stuck in grief, but God says this is just another step toward forgiving yourself. So, we face ourselves, own ourselves, remind ourselves, grieve ourselves, lament, and then insulate ourselves.
I need you to bring some people around you. You must get into community because the enemy’s plan of isolation is for you to go through this process alone. Bri, Charles, Amber, Wilk, come here. The thing you need to know is that when I’m falling apart in my life, what God does is bring people around me. And this is what He wants to do for you. He brings real people to support you. I need someone big around me right now because I’m falling apart. I don’t even have the strength to act like I can handle this.
My son turns five tomorrow and still has autism. With everything going on in my life, I don’t know if I can manage this alone. Did we give him the wrong medicine? God, did we do something wrong? I need to forgive myself, but I can’t do it alone. If I didn’t have insulation around me, I’d fall apart and hurt myself even more. But right now, God, because you’re so good, and you’ve given me community, you don’t want me to struggle alone. You have called me to surround myself with help. Thank you, Jesus. Even in this moment, God, I thank you for sending people around me. I’ve never led a multiplying church before, and I don’t know how this works. Maybe I spent money incorrectly, or hired the wrong person, or fired the wrong person. Thank you, God, for this insulation. Thank you, Father, that none of these people are my biological family, but you’ve surrounded me with people of different ethnicities and walks of life. I feel secure when I allow myself to be insulated.
This is what I want to tell someone: even right now, as you’re standing here and watching me, this was real. This week, I’m an Enneagram Eight, so if you know that, you understand it’s hard for me to show real emotions. I was in an office with my executive team this week, crying like a baby because of the insulation I have around me. I want to give every man permission to let go of the lie that comes from the enemy—that you have to hold it all together and show up as the man of the house. That idea came from an insecure man who doesn’t depend on God. God said He is close to the humble. I literally had to look at my staff and tell them, «I need you. I need you to help hold me up.»
What God is asking me to do requires strength I don’t have, and I don’t need admiration from fans; I need insulation from people who will walk with me through this. And God is saying that the only one who can invite those people in is you. If you want to forgive yourself, you need to insulate yourself. Nobody will just burst into your life; you have to open up. Some of you need to approach people and say, «I need you to walk with me. I need someone I can call in moments of temptation.» In fact, I need you to call me whenever you feel like it. Give people permission to support you, because if you don’t, this process will never finish.
You face yourself, you own yourself, and then you face yourself, and you own yourself again. Developing a hardness like «I can handle it myself, I don’t need anybody» will just lead to unnecessary suffering. Counseling isn’t a waste of money; it’s an investment in your well-being. What does it profit someone to gain the whole world—having boats, three houses, all the latest shoes, and beautiful handbags—only to lose their mind and emotional health because they haven’t forgiven themselves? God is saying to face yourself, own yourself, remind yourself, grieve, and insulate yourself. That’s why I need everyone to be in community.
This year, we’re starting Belong groups again at Transformation Church, and I’m telling you that while this experience is great, you get the full experience only when you are in community. I have community. I’m not just a pastor; I cry with people, talk to them, and support them. I visit people’s homes in the middle of the night to pray and sing over them because I need insulation. Two are better than one, because when one falls—notice it doesn’t say «if» one falls—it says «when» one falls. It’s going to happen, but we’ll be there for each other.
This is so important that Jesus even demonstrated it. If anyone could walk through this world alone, it’d be Him. He could shout at people, «Stay over there! I’m the Son of God; I have work to do.» But He chose to insulate Himself with twelve disciples and a core of three. Do you remember when Jesus was in the garden praying before the cross? He asked three of His disciples to come with Him, and they fell asleep. This is such a beautiful example of community because they weren’t perfect friends—they were imperfect people who fell asleep when Jesus needed them. He came back and gave them another chance. Guess what? Snooze button! They went to sleep again. But Jesus still considered it valuable to have people around Him, even if it wasn’t perfect.
So if it was good for the Son of God, our example, why would you go through any process alone? Insulate yourself. Let me give you the last two. You need to value yourself. That’s all I’ve been trying to get you to do. Remember, this week, you need to forgive yourself, which means valuing yourself. Can I say something very important? You are worth it. Taking this time and holding space for yourself to go through this process is worth whatever you lose. It’s worth not getting likes on Instagram, worth missing the ball game, and worth your partner having to understand that you need to do this. You are only able to provide for others out of the fullness within you. God wants to fill you up until there’s no hole at the bottom of your cup. He desires for you to live out of your overflow, because He said, «I came that you might have life and have it to the full.» You can’t live fully when you’re leaking. Forgive yourself; value yourself.
I’m going to say something most pastors won’t say, but I firmly believe that for many of you to walk through the healing you need, you require a counselor or therapist—a Christian counselor who can help you unpack your baggage. This was like the fourth choice down on my list right there. I had a lot of other words I wanted to say. I know you’ve learned to cope with your struggles, but it’s worth paying someone; fewer shoes, more healing, fewer vacations, more freedom, fewer Instagram posts, more identity. I know nobody wants to hear this because it disrupts their plans, but fewer flexes and more genuine forgiveness. I’ll be honest: Pastor Natalie and I have been in intensive counseling for the season of life we’re navigating for the past two years. Your pastor has a therapist I see regularly, and it’s expensive. I could be driving a nice car instead of going to see Julianne in Colorado. I love you, boo! She has become a part of our family, not just because of what we’ve experienced, but because she helped us forgive ourselves. She has guided us in unpacking trauma.
What I’m saying to you is that it’s worth it. Value yourself more than the latest plastic surgery, haircut, or trend that will be outdated in six months. Value the only thing you will live with for the rest of your life—yourself. Forgive yourself; value yourself. Finally, I’m going to give you my last point because I’m over time: you’re worth it. Do you know how much you’re worth? Look at what God says in Romans 8:16. It says, «For the Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children.» When someone affirms you, they tell you, «Yes, you are valuable.» The Spirit affirms that we are God’s children. Do you know what happens when you realize who your father is? My children have a different air about them because of who their dad is. It’s not that I present myself as someone great; it’s my track record with them of doing what I said I would do and showing compassion and love. When they walk around, they tell people, «My daddy said I can have this,» even if it costs six dollars because they’ve been affirmed.
Do you see how the Spirit is affirming you? You are not just children; we are heirs of God. We’ve been so broke our whole lives that we don’t understand what it means to be heirs. An heir carries generational wealth—even those who’ve never met the benefactor benefit from their lineage. God is saying you’re not just His child; you are His heir. In fact, together with Christ, we are the heirs of God’s glory. But if we share in His glory, we must also share in His suffering. If we share in the glory of forgiveness, we also must endure the suffering of extending that forgiveness.
Finally, if you desire to forgive yourself, I urge you to embrace yourself right where you are. Make space, and give yourself permission to embrace yourself. Go ahead, just hug yourself right now around yourself, embrace you. This is who I am today. Come on, just embrace it. I have anxiety attacks. I’m jealous. I’m money-hungry. I’m really jealous of my friend’s relationship.
Come on, wherever you are, I’m not asking you to change it now, just embrace it. I act like I read the Bible, but I’m actually very intimidated by the word of God. I’m still dabbling in pornography. I love my family, but I don’t like them. Embrace you wherever you are right now. I’m very awkward about my identity. I don’t know what God’s calling me to do. I’m very unsure of my purpose. It’s okay, embrace you. Just take this moment. I thought we would be farther by now. My husband and I planned to be in a house by now. We don’t want our kids growing up like this. It’s okay. I know some of you want the service to be over, but the only thing you can do right now is embrace where you’re at. It’s not going to change today or tomorrow, but you can embrace this moment.
I thought I would be further. I thought I would make more money. I thought my kids would appreciate me more. I thought my impact would be worldwide right now, but it’s literally in my room. Embrace it; this is where I’m at, and God’s saying right from here, right from this place of pain, you can forgive. From right here, from this moment, all we’re going to do is make space this week. Some of you need to get off social media for the rest of this week. Yep, some of you need to. All the plans you had, you need two hours every day just to go through this process and embrace it. Oh, do you really want to change, or did you think it was going to happen in a Sunday service with just a sprinkle and a touch? It took 30 years to be this messed up, and you won’t give God 30 days to change it. What are we going to do? How are we going to move? What is our response? «F you, I’m going to forgive you.»
Yeah, I’m going to forgive you, Michael. I’m going to face you. I’m going to own you. Yeah, I’m going to remind you of who God calls you. I’m going to grieve the idea of your daughters never hearing that you cheated on their mommy. I’m grieving it. I’m going to have to explain it to them. I’m going to have to tell them that daddy was not an example of a God you need to trust your heart with. I’m grieving it. The only way I’m going to make it through that is by insulating myself. Yeah, I’m going to bring people around me to be in the fight with me, to join arms with me, to pray for me, to pray through it with me, to call me out when I’m not being real, and to stand with me when I’m feeling beaten. Yeah, and I’m going to value myself. I’m going to value myself enough to, in the middle of success, of relationship goals, of being a New York Times bestseller, honor God and honor the word by going on sabbatical.
Yes, it means I’m going to come off the New York Times bestseller list, and yes, that means money is going to be taken out of my pocket for my family, but I believe I’m worth more than what I can produce. I’m going to value myself. I’m not defined by what other people think of me; I’m defined by who God says I am. I’m going to value myself, and even if it’s one inch a year, one inch a month, or one inch a week, I’m going to embrace where I’m at right now. Nephew, I forgive you. I’ve taken all this time to lay out a practical plan for you to humble yourself and say, «God, whatever you want to do in me, here I am.» I can’t control them, but I have the key to this. If I put my life in your hands, I can be free.
If that’s you, wherever you are right now, I want to pray for you. If that’s you and you’re saying, «I want to take this step, I want to forgive myself,» I’m telling you this week, you need to put your cell phone down and just say, «I forgive you.» I want you to post it. You don’t have to give any explanation to anyone else in the world, but I just want you to post, «I forgive you.» I’m going to do it too. I’m going to stand and say, «Michael, I forgive you.» People all over the world will be curious: «What are they forgiving themselves for?» It doesn’t matter because this is a process that God is going to affirm privately, and it’s going to show up in my life publicly, but I will forgive, and it’s going to start with me.
Father, I pray right now for every person, every brother and sister, that is under the sound of my voice. Father God, I believe your spirit is working right now. Father, you’re uncovering and uncapping old wells of hurt, pain, frustration, and lies. Father God, and I thank you right now; by your spirit, you are helping people walk through this process of forgiveness. Father, they will not start with forgiving others, but by your spirit, Father, they’re going to be able to walk through this process of forgiving themselves. I pray for freedom. I pray for the keys, Father God, for them to unlock themselves from childhood wounds, to unlock themselves from fraught situations that they put themselves in, to own themselves, to give themselves the ability to value and embrace this moment right now. God, I’m praying that you bring godly people all around them, Father, to insulate them. God, I thank you that this week will be marked by massive deliverance, not because of what somebody else did, but because we looked in the mirror and faced it, and because of what your spirit is going to do in our lives today. We trust you. As tears are flowing all over the world right now and hearts are being moved, we’re saying, «Make us over again.»
Yeah, that’s what I hear the Holy Spirit say: «Make me over again.» Say, «Lord, make me,» oh come on, just say it. Just confess again: «Do it in me first, God.» Somebody say, «Make me over again.» Come on, just say that again. Just cry out, «Make me over.» In this empty arena, God, I’m crying out, «Show me me, make me over again.»
If you’re under the sound of my voice and you want to ask Christ into your life, this is the best time to do it. Like, when you’re about to go on this journey of trying to get free, the Bible says that the Holy Spirit, which comes to us in salvation, has one of his names as the Paraclete, the one who comes alongside us to help us. And what God wants to do is to help you, but he’s a gentleman. He’s not going to knock your door down and say, «I am the Holy One of Israel; let me in.» The Bible says he stands at the door and knocks, and today God’s been knocking on someone’s heart. You don’t even know why you’re watching this; you don’t even know how you got in this room. You don’t know why you stayed at that person’s house or why this is on right now, and God’s saying, «I do, because this was a divine setup for you to receive salvation.»
If you want to receive that today, all you have to do, according to Romans 10:9, is believe and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and that he died for you. That’s what I did when I believed; it was the thing that changed me. I repented, I turned from what I was going to, and I turned to God. And the rest of this, I know religion is going to tell you, «You need to clean up; you need to change this; you need to stop smoking; you need to stop drinking.» No, no, no, no, God is going to help you do that. When you look in the mirror of the word, you’re going to start seeing things that don’t line up with it. But God is saying salvation and grace are available to you right now, and if you give him your habits, he’ll help you change them. And right here, you can belong here before you behave. That’s what happened to me. It was my love for God and my understanding of what he did for me that caused me to change. That was progression, not perfection. Today, I want to offer that to you.
On the count of three, we’re going to pray, but if you want to be included in that prayer, if you’re saying, «Pastor, I want to start receiving the forgiveness that has already been provided through Jesus Christ,» I want you to lift your hands. One: you’re making the greatest decision of your life. Two: it’s the thing that took me from being a liar and manipulator, someone who was all into sexual perversion, and transformed my life. Three: lift your hands right now all over the world. I don’t care if you’re watching this on a rebroadcast, right now God sees you. I don’t have to see you; God sees you, and heaven is rejoicing because we’re going to pray this prayer together. And you know Transformation Nation, nobody here prays alone. You understand? We’re going to insulate these people; we’re going to be their community. Right now, if that’s you, I want you to pray this prayer with all of us. Say:
Father God, thank you for forgiving me. Today, I give you my life. I ask you to come in. I believe you lived and died just for me. Change me, renew me, transform me. I’m yours. In Jesus' name, amen.