Louie Giglio - Marriage on Mission
We’re talking about marriage today. Any married people in the house? Is anybody excited about being married? That was way bigger than I was expecting! Maybe we can just turn the page and move on to our next talk in this relationship collection. Does anyone want to be married in the house today? Is anyone nervous about getting married? They say the young ones are unsure, and I want you to be sure that God has a great plan for you. For most of us, not every single person in this gathering will get married, but most of us will, and that’s God’s purpose and plan for the majority of the people in this place today.
I want to talk practically about marriage today, and if you’re already married, I believe there will be a takeaway for you as well. Obviously, I can’t unpack marriage in one talk. I’m hoping that there will be a takeaway for every person, and if you’re on your way to being married, hoping that’s part of God’s plan for your life in the future, there will probably be a lot of takeaways for you in this talk, even more than for the married people. So lean in, grab it all, soak it all up, because you have time now to prepare for a marriage that will honor and glorify God all the days of your life.
Lord, we are grateful today to be in worship, grateful to know You. You’re the one who started everything that is, and You certainly started us. You’re the one who invented the idea of a man and a wife being joined together for life. So we look to You today to lead us and show us how You want marriage to be. I thank You today for granting us the grace to start anew. Every one of us that’s married can begin fresh today. Thank You for the grace You give us to believe that You can perform the miracle that many marriages in this room need today. Thank You for the plans and purposes You have for everyone in this house today. Speak to us, Lord; lead us, guide us, fill us. In Jesus' name, Amen.
The first thing I want us to understand about marriage is that it’s not where you find your completion. In other words, if you’re going into marriage thinking phrases like, «Oh, she completes me,» or «This magic man out there on the horizon will complete me,» then marriage is already on shaky ground for you. We don’t go into marriage looking for someone else to provide the worth that God has already given us. So let’s go back to the beginning. Let’s return to Genesis when God said in chapter 1, «Let us make man in our image, in our likeness,» so that they—mankind, both the man and the woman—may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over livestock and every wild animal and over every creature that moves along the ground.
So God created mankind in his own image; in the image of God, He created them; male and female, He created them in His own image. And God blessed them and told them, «Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish and the seas, the birds of the sky, and over every living creature on the ground.» Then God said, «I give you all the seed-bearing plants.» He goes on to tell them all the things He allows them to rule over. Now, to verse 31: God saw all that He had made—the man and the woman, mankind—and it was very good. There was evening and there was morning—the sixth day. Very good, He said about the man and the woman. Why? Because they were created by God and in the image of God, and they were very good.
We know the tragedy of the fall, but the reality of the creation remains true for you even amidst that tragedy. You are created in the image of God. When He sees the creation of His image in you, He says, «I made you very good.» Your behavior might not have been very good, but you are very well-made. When we understand this, it allows us to approach marriage knowing that the other person isn’t the one who will tell us we’re very good. We’re already very good coming here today because we are created in the image of God.
He unfolds how this all works in the next section, saying then, «The Lord formed a man from the dust of the ground.» This is an important idea for marriage that we’re not discussing today. But guys, we’re big, strong, tough, smart, and leaders, yet we came from the dirt; we are dust. If we understand that we are dust and that we will return to dust, it will give us more humility as we fulfill the roles God has given us in this world. We weren’t made out of titanium; we came from the dust of the ground. And He breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it. That’s a message for another day, but we’re in paradise, not even facing the fall, and this guy has a job! That’s because work is part of God’s plan for our lives. Amen!
To be industrious and contribute to the common good, to have purpose and meaning during our time on earth—this is before the fall. The man had a job: take care of it! The Lord commanded the man, «You are free to eat from any tree in the garden, but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it, you will certainly die.» Now we’re seeing the big picture here, and everyone knows this for the most part. But if you’re going to talk about marriage, you have to understand where the whole idea came from. The Lord God said, «It is not good for the man to be alone.» The man was very good, but being alone was not good. So to the guys in the room, God is saying, «You are created very good, but you by yourself is not good.»
So once again, guys, remember we are dust, not titanium, and being alone is not a good idea. We might need to step down off our high horse, if we’re on one, at this point in the story. «I’ll make a suitable helper for him.» The Lord looks around, made all these animals, and looks through all the creatures, but no suitable helper was found for Adam. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While he was sleeping, He took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. The Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. There are many beautiful things in this passage that we won’t spend a lot of time discussing, but note that God brought the woman to the man. What a gift!
And the man said, «This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman' or 'woe-man, ' for she was taken out of man.» That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife. Another talk for another day, but Ben covered dating last week, and now the man leaves his father and mother. So if you’re still living with your father and mother and want to get married, you might want to consider planning some moves. He is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked—that’s what everybody’s aiming for—and they felt no shame. Wow! They were very good. Let God give you the grace today to embrace that your value comes from being made in the image of God.
Fast forward now into the story of the Gospel; you are bought with the blood of Christ. You are chosen, loved, forgiven, filled, and called—that’s who you are. You have to discover your worth and identity in Christ so that when you come to that precious altar to commit your life to someone else, you’re not saying to them, «I need you to complete me.» What you want them to do is complement you, as you don’t need them to complete you because that has already happened. We discussed earlier in this collection that the ultimate love of self is to find oneself in the love of God.
So if you are married today, I encourage you to dive deeper into your identity in Christ and to start living in that identity. If you’re hoping to be married in the future, I urge you to awaken to your identity in Christ, because two people who know who they are in Christ have an excellent opportunity to complement what God has said is very good rather than draining every ounce of love, value, and acceptance they need from each other. God has already given you that as you move together.
Amen. The second thing I want us to focus on here—that if you want a marriage that lasts and honors God—is to marry someone with a shared mission. Ben talked a lot about this last week, but I want to revisit it; it’s the most important thing we’re discussing today: marry someone with a shared mission. We all know married couples who are not followers of Jesus but have very good marriages. Therefore, it’s not absolutely imperative that you be a Christian or a follower of Jesus to have a good marriage, but I think to ultimately have the marriage God intends for you, it’s imperative that you be a Christian. Because marriage ultimately is for the glory of God. If you want to have a marriage that glorifies God, you need to marry someone with a passion for Jesus.
And when I say this, I’m not talking about someone just being a Christian. «So who is this guy? Y’all are getting serious! Oh, he’s a Christian; he comes from a Christian family; his parents are Lutheran.» That’s not who you want to marry. You’re not looking for a Lutheran. You’re not looking for a Baptist. You’re not looking for someone who goes to Passion City Church. You’re looking for someone who has a passion for Jesus so that you and that person can share a common mission in life.
Now, Shelley and I don’t know a ton about marriage; we’ve only been married 39 years, almost. However, we knew one thing when we got married: we did not know we would be leading a local church at Passion City Church today. That was a late-breaking news item for us. We’d been married for a long time before that happened. But one thing we knew on that day was that, supreme in our hearts, we wanted to live our lives for Jesus. We were that naïve; we only knew we wanted to live for Jesus. Our reception was at the fellowship hall in the church. Hello! Anyone remember those days when weddings were simple? There were no wedding venues; it was called the church. You didn’t have to sweat over where you were going to have the reception; you were going to do it in the parlor.
Afterward, we got into a limousine—these two kids right here! I remember so much about those days. I had a Toyota Celica with a crank-open sunroof and a cassette player. Shelley and I would cruise around blasting our favorite song. It was a song by a group called The Cruz Family. Do you see them? Here they are. This is the album cover right here. Our favorite song was «First Love.» You want to hear the chorus? This is going to bless you. We had some folks in the audience, the older ones, going, «Oh yeah! This is touching me.» Listen to the chorus, though: «All creation will ever love You.» Shelley came in from the store yesterday, and I said, «Listen to this!» Then I played that on my iPad, and she said, «You’re not playing that tomorrow!»
Having Jesus as my first love—that’s what we kept saying to each other. «I love you, babe, but not more than I love Jesus.» And that for us created a shared mission in life. We just wanted to live for Him. When Paul talks about this, he uses the phrase that we often discuss: «Don’t be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? What fellowship can light have with darkness?» He isn’t just talking about marriage in this context; he could be referring to two guys going into business together or two people deciding they’ll build a life together.
The most important thing we can do is find someone with the same mission that we have. The mission has to be bigger than just «We love each other and like being around each other» because ultimately life for all of us will be bigger than that and God is calling us to that. I just want to encourage you again today that if you’re a Jesus person, meaning you’re drenched in the spirit, rooted in the word, eager to worship, engaged to share and serve, and they are not—no bueno!
Going back to those not married yet: if the guy God has called to be the spiritual leader of your home—not the spiritual dictator of your home—is not leading himself well, it’s no bueno. The message to that guy is that God has called him to be the spiritual leader of your family. I love you; I like you; we have a lot in common. We met under amazing circumstances, and we’re falling in love. But listen, young lady: if you are lowering your expectations of this guy being the spiritual leader of your home, then you need to hit the brakes right now. How will you have a shared mission with someone not prepared to spiritually lead your family?
I come from a family like that. My sister is here today, but I’m a child of a marriage where my dad didn’t come from a spiritual background. He made a profession of faith—a conversion before he and my mom got married—but what I remember growing up was my mom being this radical Jesus follower while my dad would rather be on the golf course. It all worked out great because both my parents were amazing, and they had a decent marriage. I wouldn’t say it was great; it was okay. But when my heart lit on fire for Jesus, it got complicated living in a house with a dad I couldn’t talk to about my faith, who wasn’t the spiritual leader of our home.
God is creating a plan, and giving us an opportunity to join together for a common purpose and mission. This mission must be bigger than yourselves, your kids, and your stuff. I believe marriage can be everything it can be when you have a mission that’s bigger than the two of you, bigger than your kids (God bless them), and bigger than your material possessions. Thank you, Lord, for what You’ve given us! I think the greatest gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage with a purpose that is bigger than them.
Some marriages in the room might be struggling because of the kids. Kids are demanding; they require a lot of time, energy, and effort, so the focus may all be on them right now. That could be leading two people to drift apart. The center of this whole thing can become a vortex called kids and their busy lives. However, what those kids ultimately need is to see you guys in a healthy marriage. That’s the greatest gift you can give them! More than getting them to the T-ball game on time is to show them a healthy marriage. Let them know that the most important thing for us is to be healthy together, and also let the kids know that our family has a purpose that is bigger than them.
This common mission is beautiful. I’ll illustrate why quickly; you might want to snap a picture of this because I have to move on through a few other points. The fruit of having a shared mission fosters collaboration. In other words, it’s no longer «You do your thing and I do mine.» Now it’s «We have a mission together!» This creates collaboration in every part of our lives. It also fights against drift. I heard someone say, «What happened to them?» And they replied, «It wasn’t anything tragic; they just drifted apart and now they’re divorced.» There was no big nuclear moment; they just drifted apart. One thing that fights against this drift is a common mission. When you have a shared mission, it accelerates momentum.
In other words, she’s not over here with her momentum while he’s over here with his. We have our momentum, and it grows because we’re in this together. It exponentially increases impact. One-plus-one does not equal two in a shared mission; one-plus-one is about 42! God multiplies the mission because we’re complementary people. I’ve got things you don’t have; you have things I don’t have. When we combine our perspectives toward a common goal, we get exponential increase. It prompts higher and more meaningful conversations. Not every conversation is about getting to the piano recital (and that’s important!), but some conversations now focus on significant, eternal, visionary, heavenly things because we’re on a shared mission together.
It also helps resist making idols of things, places, stuff, kids, and feelings. There’s tension in the room right now. Do you feel the tension we’re experiencing? Some in this room are thinking, «It’s too late; we’re already married, and we don’t have this common mission of glorifying God.» I would guess that if there is tension like that, primarily it would be that the wife has a fire burning for the Lord, while the guy is somewhere along the way, not trying to extinguish it, but definitely not burning. If that is the case for either spouse, I want to encourage you with a few simple things: Don’t become bitter about it, as that can harden things and lead to a messy situation.
Instead, prioritize common goals and passions you do have. You might already be doing this. Find things you both love and make those the core of your efforts to keep moving towards one another. But here’s the thing: you have the ability to overwhelm your partner with supernatural grace. Talk about what God is doing in your life with kindness, and be strategic about it, not explosive. That’s what Paul says—or rather, what Peter says. «In the same way, wives submit yourselves to your own husbands.» I know whenever we see this word, everyone gets a little antsy. But in the chapter before, God instructs all to be submissive to the authorities He has placed over us, and to each other, as brothers and sisters in Christ.
«Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that if any of them don’t believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence in your lives.» He ends with «Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect.» We’ll come back to that in a moment. «As the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life so that nothing will hinder your prayers.»
We’re going to hear from a phenomenal man in a couple of weeks. I’ll interview him as we approach the Above and Beyond event. I’ve known him for a long time. He’s a pioneer in Christian financial planning, and he shared a powerful story about his wife coming to faith and how that ultimately led him to faith. But I want to encourage you today: if you’re already married, it’s never too late for God to change the heart of that other person and bring your marriage to a place of shared mission and purpose.
Number three, and I have to really scoot here to the end, do not make it your goal to change your spouse. Amen? If they’re not where you think God wants them spiritually, do not enter the marriage thinking, «I know I can change them; I know I can win them over. He just needs time.» Okay, give him all the time he needs, but don’t marry him until he’s had enough. We need to encourage change but accept our spouse’s unique differences. Opposites attract, but when they do, it’s human nature to say, «I know opposites attract, but since we’re attracted, I’d like you not to be opposite anymore.»
Two of the same make more of the same, but two different people moving together with a common mission multiply strengths. Yes, I’ve won her over on some things; Auburn football is one. She’ll get up on the coffee table with me! But she also introduced me to enchiladas, which I had never heard of when we started dating. I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, and had not been through the drive-thru at Del Taco. My sister had been; she knew all about it, but I never made it.
Shelley has won me over to that, and I think I’ve managed to get her to take 10 naps in our 39 years of marriage. Our family would come home after church on Sunday, have lunch, then go to the sofa and enter a coma, only to be rattled by mom saying, «It’s time to go to youth choir!» But at her house, they would eat lunch after church, dating and later married, and it would last only about 18 minutes because her dad is the fastest eater I’ve ever met! One time, when her parents visited us in Waco for breakfast, I thought, «I’ll finish my food before her dad does, or I might choke from eating so fast.»
We’d sit down, they’d put our meals in front of us, I’d bow my head and disengage from conversation to eat, and look up to see her dad’s plate pristine and clean while he was engaged in conversation. Their lunches would be followed by washing every car they had, and the yard work that our family never did! A lot of differences in our worlds! But the strength of being different has proven powerful.
Let God change your spouse, and let Him change you. Let God work on you, and talk about it with yourself and with others. It will give you more grace to understand that He can work on them. If you try to change them, can I just ask a show of hands from those who’ve been married for more than 25 years. Out of 10, how has it gone for you, changing your spouse? Is there anyone at a 10 for changing their spouse? I see you. How about a nine? Can I see that? An eight? A seven? Any honest answers? What about a one? I see that hand.
How about a zero? Two hands. Is that your spouse next to you? Okay, this should work out great. It’s not going to happen! God’s going to do that work. I believe two people needing God to do that work together is powerful.
Number four: understand the highest need of your spouse. For the man, and this may not be agreed on by every man, but I believe the highest need is respect. For the woman, and while I know little about this, I believe the highest need is love. This is what Paul said: «Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.»
There’s that confused word again: «Wives, submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.» For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. «Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.» That sounds terrible until it is connected with this: «Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church without stain, wrinkle, or blemish, but holy and blameless.»
In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body but feeds and cares for it just as Christ does the church, for we are members of His body. «For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.»
This is a profound mystery, but I’m talking about Christ and the church. However, each of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Love and respect! I learned about a book many of you know: «Love and Respect.» The author studied 400 men and 400 women, asking them, «Would you rather be alone and unloved or disrespected?» Seventy-five percent of the guys said they would rather be alone and unloved than be disrespected. Seventy-five percent of the women said they would rather be disrespected than to be alone and unloved. He drilled down into this idea that guys want to be respected.
What does that mean? Guys want to be honored, seen as leaders, and given chances to lead. They do not want their decisions to be questioned or second-guessed. They seek the respect that comes from being a leader! Proverbs 21:19 states, «It’s better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.» A guy might say, «I’d rather be over there alone and unloved than have every single thing criticized and brought up over and over.»
On the other hand, a woman wants to be loved. She wants to be treated with value. In our household, she also seeks respect. In other words, she wants to be listened to; her opinions and discernments should be valued. A wife wants her gifts and abilities honored as well. When we understand that guys just want respect, we can give it to them and strengthen the core of our relationships. When we recognize she just wants to be loved, we can give that to her.
I think the guys are with me now. They are amening heartily out there: «I need some respect around our house!» And then it hit me: If you want to be respected, be respectable.
The fifth thing is super simple: be kind. Paul wrote, «Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.» This gospel axiom worked out in marriage is a game-changer. God forgave me, so I can forgive you! We are not talking about sweeping things under the rug or letting big issues go unaddressed. You can be right and be kind at the same time. You can be strong and be kind at the same time. You can speak truth and be kind at the same time. You can be confrontational and kind at the same time.
I realize this is one of the areas I still need to grow in my life. If you meet me out in the world, I hope you will say that I was kind. I make an effort to be as kind as possible to everyone I meet. However, I can come home and sometimes say something with a little edge or not say something at all—"eh.» God is saying in marriage, «Here’s how simple it can be: be kind.»
The sixth point, and this is just for me, but it may resonate with you too: if you want a marriage that honors God, just marry the best person on earth! That’s what I did, and that’s why we’re still married—for real!
Marriage is complimentary. As we saw in Genesis, it’s about these two people having intimacy with God. As we saw in Genesis, it’s about stewarding God’s creation and having a role in serving the common good. Marriage, as we saw in Genesis, is about being fruitful and multiplying. But as we move into the Gospel, marriage is about modeling to the world the relationship of God, Christ, and the church. It reflects the relationship between Christ and His bride in human flesh, elevating the marriage paradigm significantly.
As we realize the goal of marriage is for the glory of God, we come to understand it is not merely functional. So where does that leave us as we close? If you don’t know Jesus today, and even more, if you made a decision somewhere along the way to become a Christian but you’re not passionately following Him right now, hold off on getting married until you know Jesus and are following Him. If you’re not married in this gathering and are not diligently pursuing a relationship with Jesus, you need to tell this person, «I love you, but this is not the right time for us to get married.»
It’s not even the right time for us to be serious. We need to realize that marriage is all about the glory of God. It’s about two people with a shared passion for Jesus and a common mission to make Him known in the world. If you don’t know that, then hold off. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t have a passion for Christ. Wait for Mr. Passionate for Christ to come along—not just a good Lutheran boy who passes the test because he’s a Christian. No! You want someone standing next to you in church, hand raised, saying, «I love this God. I want to serve Him, worship Him, and live for Him! This is my God! And I love you, babe, but not more than I love Him!»
That’s who you’re waiting for. That’s who you’re praying for and believing for. God will bring that man or woman to a heart that desires a partner to glorify God with!
If you are married today and don’t know Jesus, you can change that today. You can upgrade your marriage significantly! Now, that’s not why you should put your faith in Jesus. «Well, why did you decide to follow Jesus? Our marriage needed it.» No, you should want to follow Jesus because He created you for Himself, and without Him, you will never be satisfied. Christ made a way through His death for you to be forgiven of sin and receive a brand new heart!
If you don’t know Jesus and you’re married, I strongly encourage you to put your faith in Him today. You can change your life today and, by extension, change your marriage. Maybe the past isn’t everything you wanted it to be. Maybe the years in your marriage haven’t been what you hoped for. But I tell the men in the house today, make it your goal to be a respectable man. You can change your marriage today by saying, «I want to be a respectable man!» I bet you’ll get more respect when you become respectable.
You can change things today! A small step or a big change, like putting your faith in Jesus, as well as a profound change: perhaps two people who have been in church for their whole lives should sit down for a conversation and say, «You know what? We have been going to church; we love it! But I don’t know that we have a common mission of making Jesus known through our marriage and family. I’m not sure we’re raising our kids with the message, 'Hey kids, we have a mission in our family! This house has a purpose—to make Jesus famous in the world! '
We are going to do that together, as it is more important than mom and dad and more important than you. This family has a purpose greater than all this stuff we have, and that’s to glorify God. This is our mission!» That purpose can be the fire that ignites our household!