Kerry Shook - Breaking Free From The Toxic Loop
When our kids were little, there were several times that Pastor Ry’s family and our family would go on vacation together. Their oldest kids and our kids were about the same ages, and they all have great memories looking back on those trips-well, mostly great memories. One time, we rented a large condo on the beach that was big enough for all of us, and we all piled into this one condo. On the first morning, you know, the kids got up real early. They always get up real early, so the adults would take turns getting up with the kids.
On the first day, Chris and I got up with the kids, and my job was to make breakfast. I just toasted some frozen waffles, threw them on a paper plate, and put some syrup out. That’s my idea of making breakfast for the kids or grandkids. Randy and Lisa’s daughter Allison was about five years old at the time, and she said, «I don’t like syrup on my waffles. I always put powdered sugar. My mom always puts powdered sugar on my waffles.» I remembered her parents had told us that Allison liked powdered sugar on a lot of things, and we laughed about that.
So I looked in the pantry and found a plastic sandwich bag filled with powdered sugar. I thought, «Wow, I guess Lisa has to bring a bag of powdered sugar with her for Allison wherever she goes.» So I just poured it all over her waffle. A few seconds later, Allison screamed, «My tongue is burning!» I rushed over to her, and she said, «It’s not powdered sugar!» I put my finger in it, touched my tongue, and it burned. I looked closer and realized there were some small blue flakes in that white powdered sugar. As my nose got closer, I also noticed it had this really fresh soapy scent-it smelled great. It was dishwashing detergent I had put on her waffle!
Fortunately, Allison realized that it just didn’t look right, so she touched her finger to it, touched it to her tongue, and it burned. I apologized profusely and promised to make her something she’d really like for breakfast. I said I would get her a large bag of powdered sugar at the store later, and I also suggested she might not want to tell her parents about this one; I just saw no need.
Right then, Randy and Lisa came walking into the breakfast room, and five -year-old Allison said just matter-of-factly, «Pastor Carrie tried to kill me.» I said, «No, she’s exaggerating. I didn’t try to kill her, but I did accidentally put a toxic topping on her waffle that could have killed her. But I didn’t try to!»
I think it was the last time we went on vacation together. But in life, even if we don’t realize it, we all bring some toxic traits to the table. We all have some toxic traits that hurt us and hinder our relationships. If we don’t deal with them, those toxic traits become toxic loops that keep playing out in our lives over and over again. They’re autopilot actions that we keep returning to, producing the same negative results. They are toxic patterns that cause us so much pain and poison our relationships.
There’s an old story told in our restoration ministry and in many recovery circles. It’s called «The Five Chapters of My Life.» Chapter one: «I went out for a walk and fell into a deep, dark hole. It took me a long time to get out.» Chapter two: «I went out for a walk and fell into the same deep, dark hole. It took me a long time to get out.» Chapter three: «I went out for a walk and came across the same deep, dark hole. I walked up to it slowly, got very close to it, looked inside the hole, and fell in again. It took me a long time to get out.» Chapter four: «I went out for a walk and came across the same deep, dark hole. This time, as I approached it, I decided not to get too close, and I walked around it.» Chapter five: «I went out for a walk. This time, I went down a different street.»
Sometimes it takes a while to really get it. You have to fall into a deep, dark hole that takes you a long time to get out of several times-many times-sometimes before you get it. Sometimes it takes falling into the same painful pit over and over until we wake up. We repeat these toxic patterns without even realizing that our pattern is what’s creating the problem. We don’t see it. All we know, all we feel, is that we’re just back in the same painful pit again. We’re in the same financial hole again that we were in five years ago — right back.
You keep finding yourself dating people with the same toxic traits, or your marriage keeps looping back to that same painful place, stuck in the same struggles. There are these toxic loops that keep putting us in the same painful place over and over again. It’s, «I went for a walk, fell into a deep, dark hole, took me a long time to get out,» and so on. And so I went for a walk, fell into the same deep, dark hole. Took me a long time to get out. So I went for a walk and saw that deep, dark hole. I got close to it, and I fell in, and it took me a long time to get out. So I went for a walk, saw that deep, dark hole, but I walked around it. And then I went for a walk and went down a whole new street, a whole new direction, and broke free from the toxic loop.
You see, we all have these toxic loops that we have to break free from. It takes going down a whole new street to break free-a whole new way to break free-or we’re just stuck in that toxic loop, going around and around and around. But fortunately, the Bible tells us we can break free from those toxic loops. And by the way, some of you have a toxic loop in your life that’s just destroying your life right now, or tearing a relationship apart. You haven’t really understood that it’s your own pattern that’s causing your problem. It’s your own toxic pattern that’s causing the problem. Maybe today will be the day that you wake up and break free.
Every one of us has some toxic loops in our lives that maybe we don’t even realize right now, but we keep finding ourselves back in the same situation, the same problem, the same pain. We all have some toxic loops that we’ve just accepted-a toxic lie that’s become a toxic loop-and we don’t even question it now. We just blame other people or our circumstances for why we’re in the situation we’re in in some area of our lives, and we keep repeating the same pattern that’s causing the problem. Today, I really pray that God will wake us up to realize it.
So would you stand in honor of God’s word? Ephesians 5 tells us how to break free from these toxic loops that hinder our lives. In verse 13, it says, «But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. That is why it is said: 'Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you. Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.'»
You can be seated. If we’re going to break free from those toxic loops that keep us stuck, we have to wake up. The scripture says there are many times in the Bible where we’re told to wake up, rise, and shine. See, we need a huge wake-up call. The only way we can truly break free from these toxic loops is to get a wake-up call where we get a little light of truth so we see reality. Usually, it’s a painful wake-up call.
It’s like when my kids were little, they would come down in the middle of the night with a nightmare or something wrong; it would be a painful wake up-like the night one of our kids came down and said, «My stomach hurts!» Chris woke up just in time to be thrown up on all over. I pretended like I was asleep until I couldn’t stand the smell any longer, and I got out of there. It’s one of my toxic loops.
Many times we get a painful wake-up call. Sometimes it’s the painful wake-up call of a business failure or bankruptcy that breaks you out of the toxic loop of some bad business practices that have put you in that place. Or maybe it’s waking up to the painful realization that if you don’t break free from this toxic habit, it’s going to cost you your marriage. Or it’s the painful wake-up call that if you don’t break free from that addiction, it’s going to kill you. Sometimes we need a painful wake-up call.
Maybe it’s the painful wake-up call of another relationship disintegrating, where you realize you keep repeating the same toxic patterns that keep putting you in the same awful place. Some people experience a painful wake-up call, and they break out of the toxic loop and never go back. I’ve seen it so many times. You know, Carrie, 30 years ago, I had a bankruptcy, and man, I learned so much. That was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was awful; it was so painful! But I want you to know God worked in my life so powerfully, and that’s the reason I have this successful business today — because I determined right then I’m never going back.
It was painful walking through it, but I never went back to all those bad practices I did before. Or, «Carrie, I lost that relationship. My marriage broke up, and I realized all these toxic things I was doing. God took hold of me, and I grew closer to him, and it changed my life. I broke out of that toxic loop, and I never went back to those things.» You know, I talk to people all the time here at Woodlands Church. It’s like, «When was that awakening for you? When was that awakening?» Sometimes it’s when they came to Christ, and God woke them up, using a painful situation that brought them to the Lord. There’s always that wake-up call-they got a wake-up call, they woke up, something clicked, and they finally got it and broke free.
And then others keep going around again; they never break free. So what’s the difference? Some people with addictions, you know, just fall into the pit over and over again. You don’t break free. And then others have an addiction — fall into the pit, fall into the pit, fall into the pit. But then they get a painful enough wake-up call, and boom! They resolve to do the things they need to do. They decide they' re never going back to that. They do those things daily that they have to do. And new patterns bring new places.
That’s what God wants for us. He wants us to break those toxic loops with His power, have a wake-up call so we can go down a different street, a new direction. He wants to break us free so we can move into the future. God always talks about the future. God always talks about how He has plans for your future. «I know the plans I have for you,» declares the Lord, «plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope.» God always wants us to move forward in new directions with new patterns that take us to new places for His glory.
Hey, the Israelites, after they came out of Egypt on their way to the promised land, are the classic biblical example of a toxic loop. Did you know it takes ten days to go from Egypt to Israel? Ten days from the land where the children of Israel were in slavery to the promised land. But it took the Israelites 40 years wandering around in the wilderness before they made it to the promised land. They looped around the wilderness for 40 years until they entered the promised land.
It wasn’t because Moses went to his Google Maps, put in the address of the promised land, and it said, «Shortest route: 10 days, but showed the scenic route: 40 years.» No, they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years because they had the same sinful pattern that caused them to keep looping around the desert, just repeating the same toxic loop over and over again.
And God allowed them to wander in the wilderness to give them the chance to wake up and realize their painful path was caused by their own toxic pattern of unbelief. They kept going back to the same old sinful pattern. God knew they needed a new pattern if they were to enter the promised land. You have to do things differently. You need a new pattern so that you can go to new places. You can’t go to new places without a new pattern. You can’t go to the promised land-the next level that God has for you of influence and blessing and power in your life-unless you implement new patterns.
You can’t move forward to the promised land if you keep going back to the wilderness. You see, the children of Israel, God set them free. They had been in slavery in Egypt for 450 years. God does a miracle and sets them free, but they have this toxic sin that they keep coming back to over and over again. It’s not much different from us; it’s something I think we all struggle with.
You see, God would work a miracle, and then they would have another huge need, and they would complain and gripe and not trust God. They would complain and gripe. They would take that walk in the wilderness, and then they would have a huge need, like when they went through the Red Sea. They come out, and God worked the greatest miracle of all time, and they come out and they need water. They go, «Man, we’re dying of thirst! We’re going to die out here!» They start griping about God and how God doesn’t take care of them. They start griping about their leader Moses, saying, «We’re just going to die in the desert,» and they’re sinning through their lack of trust in God.
Then God provides water, and they say, «We don’t have food!» So then they complain and gripe about God. They refuse to trust God. They go the wilderness of their own way rather than God’s way and fall back into the same toxic sin again. They stay stuck, and after God provides food, it’s something else and something else, and they just stay in that same toxic loop, not trusting God. Then God says, «Well, why don’t you take another lap around Mount Sinai?»
They just keep taking loops and laps around the desert for 40 years. God says it’s really the sin of unbelief. In Hebrews, it tells us the reason the sin was so serious was the sin of unbelief. When they complained and griped about God, He was nowhere around in the situation. It was really a slap in God’s face to say, «God, you’re not big enough,» or «you don’t care enough to take care of me.» Even though He kept taking care of them, even though He kept meeting their needs, doing miracles, and they would forget about it-this reminds me of myself so many times. God gets me through, and He does something amazing, and then I’m faced with another problem.
It’s like, «God, what am I going to do?» And I get anxious. I feel overwhelmed, and I start griping and complaining. God’s not big enough-that’s such a lie from the enemy. Now here’s the consequence of their sin of unbelief. After they said, «We can’t go in; we need to go back to Egypt,» God said, «Okay, because of your unbelief and because you said we should have died in the desert, you are going to die in the wilderness. Every one of you in this generation is going to die off. You’re going to wander for 40 years, doing a toxic loop, and then you’re all going to die off in the desert so the new generation can break free from that toxic lie and go into a new place with a whole new pattern.»
And then, you know what they said? They said, «God, we’re so sorry!» They cried about that. Some of them even tried to go into the land, and they were defeated miserably. But God said, «Nope. You’re going around in the desert.» I thought about this. I said, «God, what-where did they break? Where’s the breakthrough here?» The only takeaway about this passage, as I was studying it to preach to you, is, «God, this is not very encouraging.» So here’s what happens-they all die in the desert. Let’s go home. Praise Jesus!
Okay, you get the point. Don’t die in the desert. I mean, that’s a strong point, but where’s the encouragement here, God? Then it’s really encouraging when you think about it because all that generation had to die in the desert so new life could spring up — a new pattern, a new people could go into the new place, the promised land, and go down a different street. And really, that’s a symbol for us. The only way we can break free from those toxic loops is to die to ourselves. And when we die to ourselves-our own ego, the wilderness of my own way-we go God’s way and trust Him when I feel like griping and complaining.
When I trust Him during a problem, then I die to myself and say, «God, I just die to myself; I need you to give me the power to do this. I need to help other people. I’m going to humble myself.» That’s when you break free. God wants us to know through the story of the Israelites in the wilderness that there is life and hope and new patterns and the promised land. But it takes dying to ourselves. Die to yourself. Let God live through you with His power, and you can break free.
That’s the only way; I got to tell you, that’s the only way. And it’s so hard at times for me to die to myself and die to my ego. It’s the only way; it’s the only way I can break free. Look what Paul said in Galatians 2:20: «I identified myself completely with Him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion. And I’m no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not mine but lived by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.»
I’m not going to go back on that, Paul said. «I’m not going back; I’m moving forward because I died to myself.» He said, «I’m no longer trying to please people or win approval.» Maybe that was one of his toxic triggers. We all have toxic triggers. For some of us, that toxic trigger comes from the toxic lie that I have to get the approval of others to feel good about myself. That’s one of the triggers I have. I want the approval of others.
You say, «Pastor, isn’t that being a good pastor: getting the approval of everyone to feel good about myself?» Maybe Paul once had that toxic trigger. He says, «I don’t have that anymore. I keep choosing to die to myself.» And that trigger becomes less and less every time I have that urge to please someone, saying, «God, you’re in control.» You know, you’re in control.
Then that trigger gets less and less. You keep-but you have to keep dying to yourself, dying to yourself, dying to yourself. Paul even says, «I’m not trying to impress God anymore.» He was the most religious of everyone because he was trying to impress God and get God to love him more. He followed all the rules, rituals, and regulations, but he had no relationship with God.
Now he’s saying through Jesus Christ, «I’ve died to that impulse to try to impress God, thinking He’s going to love me more-smile at me more.» No, I just live in His love and His redemption. I just died to myself and live in Him. Because when you die to your ego and die to yourself and you go God’s way, you keep doing what God’s Word says. You obey even when you don’t see it happening in your life right now. You believe God’s promises, even if you haven’t experienced the blessings yet. You keep walking in God’s way, die to yourself, keep trusting Him, and He fills you with peace.
He gives you His strength. He gives you His power. It’s like, «God, I can’t love the people in my life the way they need to be loved. I have a selfishness trigger to watch out for me, but I died to myself. Love through me, Jesus.» And when you begin to do that, God fills you with peace. You come alive in Jesus Christ, and He gives you His strength and His power. But also, He takes you to a new place because you go a new direction.
That’s the only death-that’s the only way to go-a new direction. That’s the encouragement I give you. Death is the only way to go a new direction, but it’s death to self because that’s what keeps us stuck. We think we can break out on our own, but we can’t. And by the way, there’s no such thing as self-help. You need God’s power to break free. You need the help of others.
That’s the way God worked it out. You can’t even do it with just God’s power. You need the help of others. God said it’s about one another. God says the way you really grow and break free is that you need others around you to help you. And that’s why we all need to be in life groups.
Starting next week, I’m starting this new series on prayer, and we’re going to talk about how God answers prayer. We’re going to learn how to pray, and we’re going to see God do amazing things in our families, our relationships, and our businesses. God wants to answer prayers. You don’t have to be some Christian mystic or some great theologian for God to answer your prayers. God wants to answer your prayers.
And so we’re going to start this series, but we want everyone to be in life groups because for six weeks, one night a week, everyone at Woodland Church will be meeting in a life group. All our life groups right now will stop whatever they’re studying and do this prayer study. It’s just ten -minute videos. You put on the ten -minute video and then discuss it. Have some refreshments, and then ask, «What are the things we need to be praying about for each other?» It’s life-changing.
So if you’re not in a life group, go out today, get connected to a life group. It’s just six weeks. If you don’t like the people you’re with, you’re done in six weeks, and God’s teaching you patience, so it’ll work out. If you really can’t stand them and you’re hosting, you could just tell them you’re meeting at a different house the next week. Give them the wrong address, or pick one or two you don’t want back and give them the wrong address. That’s just the way you should do it. No, don’t follow my example there.
Here’s the thing: We’re going to put you with people you' ll love, people in the same stage going through the same things you’re going through, and you’re going to love it. It’s going to change your life. You start fellowshipping and hanging out with them. It’s life-changing. It’s just six weeks, but you’re starting a new habit. So everyone needs to be in a life group. Maybe you want to host; we need a lot of new hosts.
All you got to do is just open up your home, throw out some refreshments; we take care of the teaching. It’s easy to do. Put people with you of the same life stage that you’ll relate to and love -people that don’t have it all together but are trying to go in the right direction. It’s going to be amazing. We want everyone to be connected because you cannot break free from the toxic loop without God’s power and other people.
Let’s stand together, Woodland Church. I believe we have a redemptive God. He wants to take you from this place and move you forward. We have a redemptive God, and He wants you to just die to yourself so you can live for Him, and He can take care of you because He knows what’s best for you. We have a redemptive God, and He’s the God of the second chance. He’s the God of the second chance. He can change people; He can change you; He can change me, marriages, and relationships. And only He can.
I believe He’s going to do that over the next few weeks. He loves you so much. It’s all about His love. It’s not about impressing God; it’s about just receiving His love and resting in Him knowing He' ll take care of you. He says, «Be still and know that I am God.» It’s not about what you can do; it’s about what He’s already done for you.
Let’s pray. Dear God, I just pray right now for everyone who’s experiencing that place where they’re just stuck and filling with anxiety and so much pain. I pray that you would help them release it to you and give it to you, and then show them what to do. Show them what they need to do to obey You, to go Your way instead of their own way. I thank You that You’re going to do that, Lord. I pray that You would reveal, through the light of Your Word, some of these toxic patterns that we all have in our lives so that we can deal with them. But most of all, Lord, just help us to learn how to die to ourselves. Lord, it’s a battle every day for me. Help me learn to die to myself, my feelings, thoughts that come into my mind that aren’t true, and just to trust You, Jesus Christ-to do what You say, to follow You, and let You take care of the rest.
And I pray for those who have never, Lord, broken free from the toxic loop of the wilderness of their own way because they’ve never received You- that right now they would just pray this prayer in the silence of this moment. They would say, «Jesus Christ, I’m tired of going my own way. I want Your way, so I ask You to forgive me of all my sins. Thank You that You died on the cross so that I can live. So I die to myself and my own ego and my way, and I ask You to take me to heaven. I accept Your way; I accept Your free gift of salvation, Your free gift of heaven. One day I want You to be the Lord of my life and help me go a new way to a new place with new patterns. Change me. Help me grow.» In Jesus' name, Amen.