Kerry Shook - Round 1
Conflict is something that's just tearing up Christian families and marriages and churches today because a lot of Christ's followers have no idea how to resolve conflict and that conflict is so important in our lives because you have to have conflict to get to deep connection in any relationship, but most people don't know how to handle it. And so in many of our churches, in many of our Christian homes conflict turns into chaos, confusion, and disconnection when God says, "I want you to use conflict to bring about deep connection".
Now, fortunately, God's Word tells us. It tells us how to use conflict and turn it into connection. It gives us powerful principles, and it also gives us the power through Christ to be able to do that. So I want you to open up your Bibles. And would you stand in honor of God's Word? Open your Bibles to Colossians chapter 3, verse 15. "Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ, the Message have run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives".
You can be seated, and I want you to underline the phrase in tune with each other. I really love that because he's saying that God's plan for relationships is that you're in harmony; that you have harmony in your home, that you have harmony in the workplace, that there's harmony, now remember, harmony doesn't mean that you're singing exactly alike. It doesn't mean that you agree on every single thing and that you're just alike. That's not what harmony is. It means that you're totally different. You have different background, a different personality, different needs, different desires and yet you come together and you make beautiful music. Harmony; that's God's purpose, that's God's plan for relationships.
But what most Christ followers don't know and what almost no one in the world knows is what I'm about to tell you. In order to have harmony, you have to fight. You have to fight in order to find harmony. Otherwise you're just both singing the melody or you're singing all by yourself, and that's pretty boring. You have to fight in order to find harmony. The key is how you fight. That's why this series may be the most important we've ever done because it's all about how to fight to take conflict and turn it into this deep connection and turn it into harmony; and that's because every relationship goes through three rounds and conflict is a big part of that, and it's how you handle that conflict that will determine if the relationship grows deep and close or it gets ripped apart.
And so the first round, round one, is what I call the elevated expectations round. You go into a relationship with these unrealistic expectations because you think this relationship is going to meet all your needs. It's when the business partner says, "I finally found some business partner that really understands me, that shares my business philosophy to a tee and we're right on the same page our mission and what we're like and our philosophy on business, and so this is so amazing". It's when you have that new friend and you say, "Finally someone who gets me, who really understands me. Finally I've got a friend like that".
Look at Song of Solomon chapter 2, verse 2. Look at what Solomon says about her. He says, "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens". So he's head over heels in love, and he's smitten and basically he's saying that, "All the other girls look like hideous thorns compared to you, my love". He's saying that, "You're so beautiful that when I look at any other girl I'm just, hideous. Get her out of my sight". Hideous. That's what he's saying here. And then look what she says about him in chapter 2, verse 5. "Oh, feed me with your love for I'm utterly love sick. Ah, I hear him, my beloved. Here he comes leaping over the mountains and bounding over the hills".
Wives, can you see your husbands leaping over the mountains and bounding over the hills? Here he comes griping and complaining over the mountains and struggling to get over a little hill. You know, it's like, I mean, these guys have it bad. You know, they're at the elevated expectations round and there's a lot of emotion and butterflies in all this, but that's not real love. The first round we have a tendency to put the other person on a pedestal, and Solomon and his wife went into this round. Solomon who wrote the Song of Solomon also wrote the Book of Proverbs, and I want you to look what this same guy who when he fell in love with her said things like, "You're perfect. You're flawless. I'm in love, and you're perfect".
In Proverbs 27:15, this is the same guy and he says this about her: "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day". Drip, drip, drip, drip. Nag, nag, drip. "Restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping all with the hand". It's impossible. This is the same guy. What happened? They just moved into the reality round. They just moved into round two where delight is turned into disillusionment and dating is turned into debating. The reality round is where you realize the person you're relating to is very imperfect and flawed just like you are and they come crashing down off the pedestal that you put them on, and you also realize you're very different and you focus in on those differences.
You see, the real you is got to come through. In this first round you kind of hide the real you. You're so excited about the relationship and things kind of covered up, but eventually the real you comes through; what you really think, what you really feel, what you really want. Round two is all about conflict, but that's okay because every relationship that's ever made it to round three has had to go through round two; and round three is where we want to go, the mature relationship round. It's where you realize that you're relating to a very imperfect person just like yourself and you both have faults and flaws and no human being is the answer to your problems. Only God is.
You know, it's like that new boss is not the answer to all your problems, that new co-worker is not the answer to all your problems, that new employee is not the answer to all your problems; that your husband, your wife is not the answer to all your problems. Only Jesus is the answer, and you realize that and you have conflict and you share your true self and it creates conflict and disagreements; but you work through that conflict and it turns into a deep connection where you really know each other, but the connection is so deep because you're committed. In a marriage relationship you move from bedmates to soulmates and basically it's a love built on commitment.
It's not about your feelings that are all over the place, it's about your commitment that produces powerful feelings. It's about really knowing each other and loving each other unconditionally. Every relationship goes through round two. Most relationships never make it to round three. So how do you do that? James 4:1 says, "Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and you fight for it deep inside yourselves".
Most conflict in relationships is just two very flawed, selfish people fighting to get their way, and that's the basics of it. Two people fighting for control, struggling for control, fighting to get their way. And when you're fighting to get your way, you're in immature round and you can't move to mature love or mature relationship because you're fighting to get your way. And that's natural, that's human nature to fight to get your way. What you have to move to is fighting to build the relationship. Fighting, which is messy, it gets heated; but it's fighting to build the relationship. The relationship is worth going deeper, going to a new level and a deeper connection.
First thing the Bible says is stay in the ring. Stay in the ring. Most of us guys are real cowards when it comes to conflict. Most men naturally, when the conflict arises, they want to get out of the ring and go into their man cave. You know, most of us men are cowards when it comes to emotions because I know for me I'm not very good at expressing my emotions and how I feel and being in touch with those feelings. And so when emotion comes up, you know, it scares me and I don't know how to deal with it.
And with Chris and I, I would always leave the ring. I would leave the ring and become distant 'cause I just didn't know how to deal with it or express it. But nothing is more frustrating to a woman than when conflict arises her man of courage, her godly man runs; and that's why God has been teaching me that 90% of it is just staying in the ring, just staying in the ring, staying engaged and being willing to be uncomfortable with my emotions, being willing to be awkward, being willing just to stay in the ring until you come to this place where you feel understood and you each feel understood and you each feel love. And even though it's heated, it's messy, it's awkward, it's uncomfortable, you stay in the ring until you come to the place of resolution.
And it's an amazing feeling. It's an awful feeling that turns into an amazing feeling because something powerful happens. You move to deep connection and community through conflict. So stay in the ring. I want to share with you five types of fighters. See if you identify yourself because most of these are unhealthy ways that we learn to resolve conflict, you know, coping mechanisms in resolving conflict that are really destructive in the long run. The first is what I call the rope-a-dope fighter, the no-way resolver. You know, Muhammad Ali, the greatest boxer of all time, started the rope-a-dope. He was real brash and real cocky and always a talker, but he was amazing. He would get into the ring and one time he invented this thing called the rope-a-dope where he just laid back on the ropes and put his gloves up to protect his face and his opponent thought that, "Here's Ali on the ropes. I've got him right where I want him. I'm going to just take him out".
And his opponent would just flail away with all his might, with all these punches, but they really weren't getting through because he was just protecting himself. And the opponent would get so frustrated that he's doing this rope-a-dope. He's not punching back and leaving any openings and just so frustrating, and they would just wear themselves out flailing away. And nothing is more frustrating than being in a relationship with a rope-a-doper. Some of you go, "Well, I knew he was a dope, but now I know he's a rope-a-doper," you know. The rope-a-doper avoids conflict at all costs. It's no way. It's like, "I don't want any part of that, and I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to cause any conflict. I don't want to... I would rather just not deal with it. I'd rather pretend it doesn't exist. I'd rather sweep it under the rug".
But when you do that, it undermines the relationship because it keeps relationships on a surface level. This is something I didn't understand for so long, that that conflict that creates pain at times is so important to take the relationship to a deeper level. And I think most guys who want to avoid conflict, most guys who don't know how to express their emotions like me, we tend to think that as we put it in a compartment that everything's okay; but until you deal with it, until you face it head-on really you're undermining the relationship and devaluing the other person because you're saying, I didn't realize this for so long, but basically you're saying it's not worth going to that level. And, guys, it's so important to understand that we don't have to be great at this, we just have to stay in the ring, just stay in the ring.
And, you know, if you're a rope-a-doper at work, you know, some of you don't want to deal with something at work and there's an issue everybody knows about it but just ignoring it, I mean, I think all of us have some rope-a-dope in us, you know. It's like, "I had to sort of pretend that's not there and not deal with the issue". The Bible tells us to care enough to confront, to care enough to come forward and care about the relationship. And so there's the rope-a-doper. Then there's what I call the knockout artist. That's the my-way resolver. The knockout artist fights until they get their way and you give in. They always have to have their way. They're going to bully and fight and fight and fight until they get their way.
Now, the problem with this is that you can win the fight and the relationship goes down for the count. Happens all the time. But then there's the take-the-fall fighter, the your-way resolver. The your-way resolver always throws in the towel early. They always give in. They're the doormat. This produces peace, but it's a false peace. It's not being a peacemaker, it's being a peace faker because that's not real peace. That's just appeasement. It's just giving in, giving in, giving in; and this is probably the worst way to handle conflict because whenever you take the fall every time, you're also taking bitterness in every time. Whenever you give in, and a lot of Christ's followers think, "That's what I'm supposed to do, give in every time because that's what Jesus wants me to do. Give in every time".
And what happens is you give in and then you grab hold of bitterness. You give in, you grab hold of bitterness. You give in, you grab hold of bitterness 'cause we're human beings that are imperfect and flawed. And so the your-way resolver always taking the fall, eventually it explodes in bitterness. The bitterness destroys relationships. But then there's what I call the one-two puncher, the halfway resolver. It's where we compromise. You win some and you lose some. I give in sometimes, you give in sometimes. And that's a good way to do things, but there's even a better way that I call sparring partners. It's the our-way resolvers. Our-way resolvers stay in the ring even though it's messy, and you stay off the ropes, and you engage and you talk it out, you get that anger out.
You just stay at it and you stay at it and you stay at it until you come to resolution where it's our way, where we both make a decision together that we both feel is best for us together. "It's not my way. It's not your way. It's our way". And that's an amazing thing, and God says conflict is the only thing that can get you to that deep connection. Now, the Bible says deal with conflict head-on. Look, the Bible is really serious about this, to have the courage to confront. In Matthew 5:23 and 24 it says, "So if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and suddenly remember that a friend has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar and go and apologize and be reconciled to him, and then come and offer your sacrifice to God".
He's saying that if you're at church and you're worshiping God but you have something against someone or something against you and there's bitterness there and you haven't resolved it and you haven't tried to, then you need to leave church and stop worshiping God because more important than worshiping God is making sure you're right with that other person. Isn't that amazing? Why is that? Why is it more important than worshiping God? Because you can't worship God with bitterness in your heart, so you're wasting your time. That's how important this is. The Bible says you deal with it. Now, there are times when you try to make peace with someone, you try to resolve conflict, and they're having none of it, but that's okay. The Bible says you do everything you can with God's power and then you leave it to God.
What you need to do in the workplace is set up some ground rules so that you can fight fair, so you can deal with conflict. In a marriage relationship, you want to make sure that you both have established ground rules before the emotions get really high, that there are certain limits or certain things you can't go over. There are certain limits that you put on yourself before the emotions get there. And so that's why it's so important to go over these ground rules, especially in your closest relationships. It prevents a lot of pain. Now, boxers put mouth guards on before they fight, and we as Christ followers should put spiritual mouth guards on before we fight because words are devastating.
In James 1:26, a mouth guard verse, says, "If you claim to be religious but don't control your tongue, you're fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless". It's saying if you think you're real spiritual and maybe you've memorized the Bible and, you know, you've read through it 30 times and you read through the 1-year Bible in 1 month and you're just so spiritual but you can't control your tongue and in relationships your words tear people down, then you are a baby Christian at best. You're immature. Secondly, don't compare. Don't say, "I wish you were like this. I wish you were like that. I wish you'd be more like him or her".
And then, thirdly, don't act spiritually proud. Don't act like you're above the fray when it comes to an argument. It's like, "I can see right now you're losing your temper. And so, what I'm going to do is step back and quote some Bible verses to you. In your anger do not sin. You know, I'm going to just quote some verses since I'm so spiritual, and I will never lower myself to your level. God, thank you for your grace, that your grace is sufficient for them because they need it right now. I'm going to pray for you". I mean, some people just like throw Bible verses at you. It's like, "I want to take the Bible and hit you over the head with it," you know. Don't use the Bible in a big argument. Okay? Study the Bible beforehand, use it afterwards, but don't use it as a weapon on someone else.
Well, let's continue on with these rules of fair fighting. Don't sulk or pout. This is real important because a lot of people never raise their voice and never scream and yell, but they'll pout and sulk for days until everyone's miserable and they get their way. And then don't threaten. Abusive language is off limits. In a marriage never threaten with divorce. Some people go right to that right away. "Well, let's just get a divorce". And that's so destructive. And then, the last one is, don't gossip. Some people smile to your face then talk behind your back. They float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. It's the passive aggressive anger.
So stay in the ring, establish ground rules. The third thing is learn how to accept a split decision. So you'll discover you're never going to agree on every single thing and you have to be mature enough in your love and in the relationship to be able to accept that. For Chris and I, when we have an issue and we disagree, we get in an argument; we work through it, we stay in the ring with God's power until we get to this place of resolution where it's our way and it feels so good on 99% of things. But on 1% we're never going to agree on. On, you know, 1%... very few real little things that aren't that important you're not going to agree on and that's okay. You can walk hand in hand with someone without seeing eye to eye on every single thing.
It says in James 3:17, "But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It's also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere". Underline the phrase willing to yield to others. That's a sign of spiritual maturity, willing to yield to others. Now, if you given all the time and you take the fall, then that's not spiritual maturity at all. That's just being a coward. But when you learn that you're not going to agree on every single thing but that the relationship is more important than any single small issue, that's spiritual maturity. But then you move to the most important thing.
Lastly and most importantly, bring the King of peace into your corner. This is so important. Some of you need to set a time at work this week with a co-worker where you have a peace conference and you get it out and you confront it. Some of you need to set aside time with your mate this week and talk about an issue. And it's not going to be fun, it's going to be painful and it's going to be conflict, but it'll take you to connection. But before you do that, you need to pray about it first and ask God for his help and his wisdom. It says in James 4:2, "You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God".
This is key because so much conflict is about us looking to a human being, another person, to meet our deepest needs that only God can meet, and that's elevating them to a god pedestal and they're going to come crashing down. Nobody can stay up there when you look to another human being to meet your needs of happiness and fulfillment and purpose. Those are needs only God can meet. And so when you're not looking to the Lord and you're not seeking God and Jesus Christ is not first in your life, you're going to start looking to another person to be the answer for all your problems and you're setting them up for failure, too much pressure on them, and the relationship up for failure. And so, that's why it's so important to put Christ first, the King of peace.
2 Thessalonians 3:16 says, "May the Master of Peace Himself give you the gift of getting along with each other at all times, in all ways. May the Master be truly among you". It's saying the real secret to walking in harmony with the people in your life is to walk in harmony with Jesus; to have the King of peace, the Prince of peace, the Master of peace rule in your heart and rule in your life and then daily spend time with him, and be at church every weekend, connect to a small group Bible study with others studying God's Word and you grow in Christ every day. And as you become more like Jesus, you become a peacemaker and it changes everything. He gives you the power. These principles are so important, but you have no power, I have no power to do these principles without God's power and Christ living through me.