Kerry Shook - Diving Deeper
Millions of us go to the beach every year, and we might get in up to our waist. If you're at Galveston Beach, it's pretty scary, because you can't see under the water at all. You don't know what's lurking under there, but you know things are; and if you're really brave, you might get in over your head. But scientists tell us that 95% of the world's oceans are still unexplored. You see, that's because a scuba diver can safely dive to a depth of only about 40 feet. If you have some special equipment and training and expertise, maybe a little deeper, but the deepest part of the ocean is the Marianas Trench, and it's 36,000 feet deep. That's 7 miles below the surface.
If you were to take Mount Everest and place it in the ocean at its deepest point, there would still be a mile of water above the peak of Mount Everest. That's how deep our unexplored oceans are. And I believe that most Christ followers only experience about 5% of all that God has for us. We're just content to stay in the shallow, safe, warm, and comfortable water. When God is calling us to a new depth in a relationship with him and others, the Bible calls this new depth fellowship. The Greek word for fellowship in the Bible is koinonia, and it means being loved and loving at the deepest level. It's the deepest connection. And you can have lots of followers and likes on social media, but what you really need are a few people that you're in fellowship with.
And fellowship is the goal of every marriage. That's what God wants for every married couple: to love and be loved at the deepest level with your spouse. And you can only have that if you have spiritual oneness. There's physical oneness, emotional oneness and spiritual oneness, and God wants you to have all three, but the most important is spiritual oneness, that depth that you can only go to if you're following Christ. Now, in scuba diving, the deeper you go in the ocean, the riskier it is, and it's the same way in relationships. The deeper you go in a relationship, the riskier it is, but it's the only way you get to that depth of fellowship. And the reward is so worth the risk, because fellowship is the whole reason why you were created. You were made to love and be loved at the deepest level. And if you don't risk that, you'll never experience the reason why you were made.
So, let's look at God's Word. We're going to kick off the series next weekend, but I want to give you just a little taste of it this weekend, as we do a study of Ephesians 4. So, would you open your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 4? And would you stand in honor of God's Word, Woodlands Church? And I've got some verses picked out, and then I'm gonna go back, and we're gonna look at a lot more of Ephesians 4. Because, really, the only way to go deeper in a relationship is to get beneath the waves of conflict and come to a new understanding about anger and how anger can be your ally.
So, follow along with me. "Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 'In your anger do not sin'; Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold".
You can be seated. I was talking to one of the marine biologists at the aquarium downtown, and I said, "You know, you have these huge tanks with all these huge fish. And most of them, I'm sure, are really expensive. But I know for those of us who have aquariums at our house, sometimes we'll go out and buy a fish that's really expensive, like 20 or 30 bucks, and then you bring it home, you put it in the aquarium, and then it dies in about a week, and it's so frustrating".
I said, "Does that ever happen to you guys"? He said, "Oh, fish die in our tanks all the time. It's just that when a fish dies in your tank at home, you know it right away because it floats to the top, belly up. But when a fish dies in one of our huge tanks, the only way we know it is we think, 'Wait a minute. I haven't seen that fish in a couple of weeks,' and that's because in the real ocean, there's a lot of aggression. When a fish dies, it gets eaten right away, and sometimes it's the cause of death. And in the real ocean, that's the way it is".
There's a lot of aggression in the real ocean. There's a lot of emotion in the ocean of relationships, as well. But here's the good news. God wants to use anger. God wants to use conflict to take us to the deepest level of fellowship. It's the only way you can get there. It's the only way you can dive deeper. You have to use anger as your ally to get there. The Bible tells us anger is a God-given emotion. It says, "In your anger, don't sin". So, the emotion of anger and feelings of anger is not a sin. It's all how you handle the anger that determines if it's a destructive sin or a constructive emotion. In fact, sometimes anger is the most appropriate emotion, the most godly emotion you can have in certain situations.
If you really care about a relationship, and it's going the wrong direction, then anger is the most appropriate emotion that you can have. In fact, if you never get angry in a relationship, it just means you don't care. Anger is a sign you care. Anger is a God-given emotion. But when you really care about someone, and you care deeply about a relationship when things aren't going right, but if you express the anger wrong, then it can destroy the relationship rather than deepen it. Then you'll never really have fellowship. You know, Chris and I, years ago, along with all our kids, got our diving certificates. And I remember back then you had to take 2 days of classroom work and pass a test. There's 2 full days of being in the classroom.
Now you can do it online, but you've still gotta go through the same book and go through all the things about scuba diving, and then you go out and have your open water dives; and after several open water dives, if you pass all the skills, then you get your sea card, your diving card, and that's because diving is really easy, and it's really fun, but there's some danger to it. If you don't know what you're doing, there's a little bit of danger to it. And so they've gotta train you a little bit. And so you can't rent any diving equipment without a sea card, can't go on dives without a sea card. And so you've gotta go through that training. You've gotta get some lessons.
And, you know, we take lessons for just about everything in life. We take tennis lessons. We take piano lessons. We take voice lessons, and dance lessons, and golf lessons, and just on and on. But yet no one gives lessons on how to deal with your anger. No one gives lessons on how to deal with conflict and take relationships to a deeper level. And that's why so many relationships are on a surface level. So many relationships are falling apart because we don't take lessons on the most important thing in life. And so what I want to do today is just introduce the series with some steps to a new depth, and then next week we're gonna start taking some lessons on how to really build relationships deeper and take them beyond those problem areas until you find purpose. And so first I have to see beneath the surface. The first thing I've gotta do is see beneath the surface.
Now, in scuba diving, you've gotta have a mask to see beneath the surface. You're not gonna see anything without a mask. You can have all the equipment and all the training in the world; but if you go into the water without a mask, you're not gonna see anything. Or if you go into the water with a mask that's fogged up like this one, you're not gonna see anything. So, you've gotta use that defog, you know, a few drops of that, and then the underwater world opens up to you. And that's the way it is with anger. You've gotta see beneath the surface. You've gotta have the Lord open up your spiritual eyes to see that there's some things going on beneath the surface.
In Ephesians 4:14, it says, "Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there". You see, when you're on the surface of the waves of conflict and anger, you just get tossed back and forth, and most people just stay on the surface, getting tossed back and forth until the relationship falls apart. And most people just stay on the surface issues. But to develop a relationship to real maturity, you've gotta go beneath the surface, and you've gotta see beneath the surface. Because anger always comes out as a surface issue. And if you just deal with the surface issue, you're gonna get tossed about by the wind and waves, the Scripture tells us.
And so I've gotta get down to the root of where that anger started. And usually, it's one of three root causes. First is hurt. When I get hurt, I get angry. And so I want to ask, am I angry? Is this anger coming out of me because I've been hurt? And then fear is the second root cause. Whenever I feel afraid, I get angry. When an animal gets backed into a corner, he gets angry and attacks. Whenever I'm afraid or feel insecure, I get angry. I have the feelings of anger that come over me.
And then the last one is frustration, when I have to wait in traffic, when someone irritates me. When I get frustrated, I get angry. And with frustration, there's an even deeper root, and that's trying to control, trying to control something that I can't control, and wanting control. And every one of us have a little bit of a control freak in us. Every one of us have control issues. And the higher your control issues, the higher your anger level, and because we want to control things that are uncontrollable. And so I want to get it down to that root as to why I'm angry.
Well, then you regulate the pressure. You've gotta see beneath the surface. Then you've gotta regulate the pressure. Now, in scuba diving, you have a tank that's filled with compressed air, and the air is under a lot of pressure. Now, if you just dove down into the water with a tank, and nothing else, and you tried to breathe with just a tank... can you imagine me putting my mouth on that, trying to breathe that in? That's not gonna be very effective, okay? Because it's under too much pressure. And that's the way it is with anger. When you just let it all out, it's not effective. In fact, it's dangerous.
And so that's why this tank has on it a regulator. A regulator regulates the pressure coming out of the tank, so that you can breathe it. It regulates the pressure, so that it can be effective. And so that's the way it is with anger. You've gotta regulate the pressure. How do you do that? Don't vent angry feelings. In Proverbs 29:11, it says, "Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end". Saying, don't blow up and don't just let the pressure out on people, where you feel better and everyone else feels worse. And this is the key to this. In Ephesians 4:29 it says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen".
So, he's saying that, that anger that comes out of you should be expressed in a way that helps them, that builds the relationship. And so what I want to do when I'm really feeling angry is I want to say, now, do I want to go to that person and let them know this, just so that I can clobber them and get it off my chest, 'cause it feels so good to do that? Or do I want to do this because I care so much about the relationship and I love them? And so I have to be honest about this and share this hurt. What's my motivation there? If it's just to get it off your chest, it's gonna be destructive. But if it's to build the relationship deeper... you see, sometimes I think, you know what? I don't want to go to that person and admit that what they did hurt me. Or I don't want to go to them and talk about this. It's gonna cause a mess. It's gonna cause conflict.
I would rather not rock the boat. I don't want any of that. But this relationship means too much to me, so I have to do this. I don't want to, but I have to, because I love them, and I cherish this relationship, so I have to, though I don't want to. That's when you know your motives are right. But sometimes it's like I cannot wait, next time I see them. I cannot wait to let them have it. You know, and I'm just stewing and it's building up until boom. And then I feel so much better. And it's destructive. And so I want to ask myself, what's my motivation for this? Is it to build up or just to tear down? So, how do you regulate the pressure? Well, you regulate the pressure with spiritual breathing. Spiritual breathing is the key to regulating pressure. So, right here I have the regulator. "Luke, I am your father".
How many of you are going, "I think my husband's asleep next to me right now. That's the way it sounds". But you breathe. You have to breathe in, and you have to breathe out. You breathe out by admitting it. You breathe out anger by admitting your anger. First you admit it to God. You just admit it. You get honest with God and yourself. "I feel angry". And then you ask the Lord to show you what the root cause is, and you admit that root cause. And then you go to the person, and you express it. "Hey, I really felt hurt when you did that. I needed to tell you this, because I care about our relationship".
And so you go to them, and that's the Matthew 18 way, the biblical way. But we all have this tendency to breathe it out onto someone that has nothing to do with the problem or the solution, and that's called gossip. Because it's a lot easier to do that than it is to go to the person and share your feelings. We want to just breathe it out, you know. I know so many times I just want to breathe it out to someone else, you know, because I need to get it out in order to breathe it out, breathe it out, breathe it out. And then I don't end up going to the person, and it becomes destructive. And then you breathe in grace by accepting it.
You see, when you express anger, there are going to be times you're gonna express it in the wrong way. There's going to be times you express it in a sinful way, in a selfish way. Sometimes it just comes out as a huge mess, but the good news is God's grace covers it. And we just, when we do that, we just say, "God, forgive me. You know, I blew it". And you go to the person, and you say, "Hey, I expressed it all wrong. I got angry 'cause I care. I care so much about you and our relationship that I just, I expressed it all wrong, in a hurtful way, and I'm so sorry". And you're quick to say, "I'm sorry," because when you say "I'm sorry," you experience God's grace. And many times the grace from the other person, as well.
Now, we can't control what anyone else does, but when you express sorrow, when you say, "I'm sorry," then you can experience grace. For sure, you'll experience God's grace. But when you don't admit it, it's a flight from grace. But when you come at it and say... if you come to it and you say, "Yeah, I did some wrong things, but they did a lot worse," then you'll never get the grace that you need so desperately. But when you just, "I'm sorry," you can get the grace that you need desperately.
And by the way, we're going to express it in messy ways so many times when you are, and we need a lot of grace. In fellowship, you have a lot of grace, because, you know, it's messy to go to that depth. It doesn't feel very spiritual most of the time, but it's powerful, and it's life changing, but sometimes it's just messy and awkward, but you have to work through it. But then there's a third thing. Balance the truth with love. It's so important to have the courage to confront. You have to have the love to confront. If you care about a relationship, you have to tell the truth. You have to tell how you felt hurt, or insecure, or frustrated. It's the only way to go to the deepest level of fellowship. And in diving, balance is so important. It's called buoyancy in diving.
Positively buoyant sounds like a really good thing, but it's not; because if you're positively buoyant, you're gonna be floating to the surface probably too fast. Negatively buoyant sounds like a bad thing, and it is, because that just means you're sinking to the bottom of the ocean. What you want to be is neutrally buoyant, perfectly balanced, where you just hover in the water over the reef, and you don't have to struggle, exert a lot of energy, take up too much of your air. Just looking and enjoying all of God's creation, you just want to be neutrally buoyant.
Well, how do you do that? Well, what they do is they give you a weight belt. If you're the size that I am and the body type that I have right now, you're gonna need a lot of weight, because my percent of body fat can cause me to float quickly. That's just a nice way of saying it. But I can just bob like a cork. That's another way of saying it. Think of me as a cork bobbing. Okay. And so I've gotta have some weights, quite a bit of weights on my weight belt, so that I can go under the water, or I stay on the surface.
Now, in relationships, I think about the weight belt as the weight belt of truth, that you've got to have weight. You've gotta have truth. Without truth, gut level honesty, you can't go deep. You'll just be bobbing on the surface. So, you've gotta have the belt of truth. But if you just have the belt of truth without any love with it, then you're gonna sink to the bottom of the ocean, and that's even worse. And so you have to balance that, so you can have that neutral buoyancy.
So, how do you balance the weight belt? Well, then you have a vest that's called your BCD, your buoyancy control device, and you put this vest on, and then you've got the weight belt on. It takes you deep, and then you add a little bit of air, and a little bit of air as you need it to your buoyancy control device, this vest; and as you add that air, you can get it just right to where you're just hovering. Well, the BCD device for fellowship is love. You have to share the gut level truth, but you wrap it in love. Love is your motivation, saying it in love. What I'm talking about here, folks, is not for cowards. This is the deepest level. It takes courage.
Now, it's simple, but it's not simplistic. It's deep. It's profound. It's not complicated. It's not rocket science; but yet, it takes courage, it takes guts. It'll take everything you've got, but it's so worth it. Ephesians 4:3 says, "Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace". It takes effort. It could take every effort, but it's worth it. So, you don't settle for superficial. You don't settle for just okay. You have relationships that are fun, relationships where you hang out and you have a great time, and then they go to deeper levels of, "Hey, I can share my hurts and my heart with you, and you get me. We understand. Sometimes you get mad at me, but that's because you care. Sometimes you tell me the truth I don't want to hear, but that's because you care".
And then it goes deeper and deeper, where we can just be hanging out again, but we know each other. We can just be having some fun together, but we know each other. We're totally loved. Fellowship encompasses all of that. We're gonna talk about that over the next several weeks and take some lessons on relationships. Mikimoto pearls are some of the most beautiful and expensive pearls in the world, and that's because Mr. Mikimoto in Japan in 1893 came up with a way to make cultured pearls.
Now, pearls have been around as long as oysters have been around. It's just that it was hard to find them; and when they found them, they weren't always as beautiful as people wanted them to be. And so Mikimoto in 1893 came up with this way that he would put an irritant in the oyster in just the right way, just the right kind of irritant in just the right place that the oyster would secrete whatever it secretes to make the pearl, and these beautiful pearls would come out. Now, Mikimoto pearls, they throw away 97% of the pearls that are made by the oysters, and they only keep the best 3%. But just know this. Every pearl that you see, every pearl that you own started as an irritant. And that's the way it is in relationships. God wants to take our pain and turn it into pearls. And some of you in your marriage right now, there's a lot of irritation.
Maybe you're married to your irritant. I don't know, you know. Maybe you're sitting next to your irritant. But I know this: God can use irritations and turn them into pearls. And that's what God wants to do over the next several weeks. God wants to take that pain, that irritant at work, and use it in your life to bring about pearls. And I know that God can do that in families and marriages and relationships, with friends. God can do that. That's how he makes pearls out of relationships. And if he doesn't do it in your relationship, he'll make a pearl out of your character, through that pain.