Joyce Meyer - Establishing Boundaries [FULL] (08/21/2019)
Joyce Meyer stresses that lasting change requires personal action—prayer alone won't remove overload without boundaries and adjustments. She examines Moses and Elijah's burnout, showing God provides help (delegation, rest, food) when we admit limits. Practical boundaries on time, eating, money, and relationships protect us, prevent resentment, and sustain life for God's purpose.
Change Requires Action, Not Just Prayer
You're not ever going to have less stress if you don't change something. And I keep hearing kind of the same thing. It's like, how can I make this go away? But you know what? A lot of you, you're a lot smarter than what you may think that you are.
And I bet I could pull any one of you up here and do a little quiz, and you could tell me what your problem is, and I could say, now what do you think might change that? Come on. Why don't you just do what you would tell somebody else to do if they ask you how to solve a problem that's the same as the problem that you're dealing with?
So I don't have an answer for you if you're not willing to make changes in your life. And so tonight, we're going to talk about some people in the Bible that were overloaded and what they did about it. And then we're going to start talking about borders and boundaries. We have to set borders and boundaries in our life.
Moses' Overload and the Need for Help
But first of all, let's look at Moses in Numbers chapter 11, verse 10. And Moses heard the people weeping throughout their families, every man at the door of his tent. And the anger of the Lord blazed hotly, and in the eyes of Moses, it was evil.
And Moses said to the Lord, why have you dealt ill with your servants, and why have I not found favor in your sight, that you lay the burden of all this people on me? Have I conceived all these people? Have I brought them forth that you should say to me, carry them in your bosom as a nursing father carries the suckling child to the land which you swore to their fathers to give them?
You notice now that Moses has got a problem with the people, and he feels that he needs to meet their need. They're not happy, and so he feels that it's his responsibility to try to help them get happy. But now he's turning around and saying to God, why have you given me all this to do?
And I think a lot of times, that's kind of what we say to God too. How can you expect me to do all this, when a lot of times, God's not expecting us to do it at all? Where am I going to get meat to give all these people, verse 13? For they weep before me, and say, give us meat that we may eat.
Now watch verse 14. I am not able to carry all these people alone, because the burden is too heavy for me. Now I think that's, that's really the open door to getting help right there. Not just saying, I can't do this in a complaining way. But getting serious with God and saying, I cannot live like this any longer, and I need to know what you want me to do to bring a change in my life.
God is not just going to wave a magic wand over us. We can't just pray and poof, poof, everything goes away. We have to be willing to make changes. And so Moses came to the point where he said, I can't do this anymore. And if this is the way you're going to deal with me, then kill me, I pray you at once.
Anybody been like this? Well I would just rather die than keep living like this. Anybody ever said that? I know I did. God, if this is the way life is going to be, then what's the point in even living it? And you'll be doing me a favor. And let me see my wretchedness in the failure of all my efforts.
And the Lord said to Moses, gather 70 men. I'll put the anointing that's on you on them. They can share the burden with you. And things will become doable. So the answer to Moses' problem was, get some help. Well I wish I had help. You got to do more than wish. You know?
To be honest, some of you, you're busy making all kinds of money. And if you're going to do that, then you need to use a little bit of that money to get a little bit of help so you don't drive yourself crazy and have no life. Yes, I'm giving you permission to spend a little money to get a little help.
Oh, you're going to make this hard, aren't you? I can see.
Elijah's Burnout and God's Simple Solution
1 Kings 19 verse 4. Elijah, great prophet. So here we see great men of God that were falling apart from stress. But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a lone broom or a juniper tree and asked that he might die. Lord, it's enough now. Take away my life for I am no better than my fathers.
Now Elijah had just come out of a huge battle. He had dealt with 400 Baal prophets and made a fool out of them. And now the next day one woman, one woman is threatening him and he's so tired and weary and worn out that he's afraid of her but he had no problem at all confronting these 400 evil prophets.
It's amazing what you can do when you're rested up and fired up. And it's amazing what you can't do and how foolish we can all sound if we get worn out and burned out. Amen? So somebody asked earlier, what do I do to keep balance? Well, I can tell you one thing, when I go home from here I won't work. And I might eat a biscuit.
One of the ways that I recover is I rest. I try to find a good movie to watch. I eat what I want to. And I rest. I'll probably get up Sunday morning and go walk. And then I'll just chill out the rest of the day. And then by Monday I'll be fit again to do something else.
I used to go home and then just work some more and work some more and work some more and go home and work some more and work some more. And then I sounded like these guys did. Oh Lord, you might as well just kill me if this is all life is going to be.
But see, here's the thing. God finally got across to me and I hope somebody gets this here tonight. I was crabbing about my schedule. And God said, you make your schedule. If you don't like it, change it. Well, I don't know what to give up.
Well, part of the reason why we don't know what to give up is because we want to be involved in everything because we're nosy. And secondly, we want to keep everybody happy. So nobody's unhappy with us and everybody loves us and thinks we're wonderful. And so we try to be like super people.
And I'm telling you what, it's not unspiritual to say, I cannot do this anymore. I have to have a change in my life. God, you show me what you want me to do and I will do it. Amen. Money is not worth killing yourself over. And if the only way that people are going to like you is if you do everything they want you to, then they don't really care anything about you. They're just using you.
Well, what was God's answer for Elijah? I love this. He sent an angel to cook him a good meal and he told him to take a nap. I mean, that's, that's the truth. If you read the whole thing through and I'm not going to take the time to do it. He sent an angel and he put him to sleep. He gave him a good meal. They put him to sleep. When he woke up, he gave him another good meal. And then they went on with God's plan.
And honestly, sometimes all you really need is a good night's sleep, a good healthy meal, and a good laugh. And you'll be back in business. Amen? Some of you need a laugh right now. So I'm going to stop right in the middle of this preaching and tell you a joke.
Well, honey, I've never been in a church like this. Well... Two old people were laying in bed side by side. I'm talking really old. Like wrinkled up old. And, she said, honey... Why don't you ever hold my hand like you used to at night? So, his little old wrinkled hand came across the bed. He took her little old wrinkled hand.
She said, honey... Why don't you ever hold me in your arms like you used to at night? So he sighed, and it took him a little while, but he got over to her side of the bed and got her in his arms, and she rested a little bit, and then she said, Honey, why don't you ever nibble on my ear like you used to at night?
And all of a sudden, he jumped up and started across the floor, and she said, Well, where are you going? And he said, Well, I've got to get my teeth. Now, see, you're thinking, Well, what does that have to do with anything? Nothing. It has nothing to do with anything. And that's exactly what you need to get through your head, that everything doesn't have to have some big super-duper purpose.
It's okay to just stop right in the middle of some work and just have a little bit of fun. Matter of fact, you could laugh at yourself and lighten up your life a whole lot. I tell you, my husband's going to have fun no matter what he does. And a lot of times, it's at my expense, but he still has fun.
Jesus said, Matthew 11, Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden and overburdened, and I will give you rest. I will cause you to rest. I will ease, relieve, and refresh your souls. When we're overloaded, we need to go to Jesus for help. But not just to get him to cause our problem to vanish, but to ask him what we need to do, and then ask him to give us the grace to do it.
Am I making that point clear in this seminar? Prayer is not just to get God to make our problems vanish. There are times when he does that, but a large majority of the time, God will guide us and show us what we need to do. He'll give us the grace, the strength, the ability to do it, and then that's what fixes our problem.
You know what? Life would be extremely boring if we never participated in it at all. And God wants us to participate in the management of our lives. Whether you know it or not, you have a lot of authority over your life. And if you don't take care of yourself, I'm not sure who's going to.
Recognizing an Unsustainable Life
Now, are you living an unsustainable life? Do you find yourself saying, I can't do this much longer? I just can't keep this such forever. Keep this up forever. This is just too much for me. Or, are other people telling you, you can't keep going on like this forever? Come on, how many of you got some people in your life that love you, telling you, you can't keep this up.
You can't keep doing this. You're going to have to slow down. You're going to have to lay something down. You're going to have to give something up. Well, Moses had the same thing. He was overloaded, but to be honest, I don't know that he really knew it.
And, you know, I'm such a hard worker that sometimes I can just... I can not even realize that I'm doing too much. Sometimes I don't even know when I'm being excessive. And somebody has to come along and say, wait a minute. You're not going to do that. You just got back from a conference. You're going to rest.
So sometimes it pays to listen to other people. Exodus 18, 14. When Moses' father-in-law saw what he was doing for the people, he said, what is this that you do for the people? Why do you sit alone and the people stand around you from morning till evening?
Now listen, Mom. Why do you wait on your children hand and foot while they sit around and watch you and do nothing but play on their iPads from morning till evening? Well, let me tell you something. That kid of yours can put cereal in a bowl. They may make a little mess, but it won't be the end of the world.
If you're enjoying yourself sitting in your recliner and you're relaxing, let them get their own snack. Oh, boy. Come on. I don't want to work this hard on Friday night. Why do you sit alone while everybody stands around you?
Now, you don't all have that problem, but I have a daughter that does that. You can just get into habits, and the way you start with people is what they're going to expect later on. So then, if you've already got a bunch of bad habits in your house, then it's going to really kind of shock everybody when you kind of bring down the gauntlet and say, I'm not going to live like this anymore.
And they're going to think you're being mean and think you're being bad. And so there'll be a little time of adjustment. And it doesn't mean you don't do anything for anybody, but don't let people take advantage of you. Have some boundaries and some borders.
Setting Practical Boundaries in Daily Life
Why do you sit alone while everybody else stands around from morning till evening? Moses said to his father-in-law, well, because the people come to me. He just might as well say, well, because they want me to. They want me to fix their problems.
And you know, to be honest, sometimes we kind of get a prideful kick out of everybody coming to us to want us to do everything. But I don't know that the payoff is worth it on the other end. When they have a dispute, they come to me, and I judge between a man and his neighbor, and I make them know the statutes of God and his laws.
And Moses' father-in-law said to him, this thing that you are doing is not good. This thing that you are doing is not good. You will surely wear out both yourself and the people with you. For the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to perform it all by yourself. Amen?
And I think there's some people here that need to take that as a word for themselves tonight. If you're living an unsustainable life, then you need to do exactly what Moses did. Here again, he got some help. He went and chose some people to help him.
Now, why don't we let people help us? Why do we find it so hard to say, can you help me? I need some help. Well, number one, we have an independent attitude. Number two, we don't want anybody involved in our stuff. Because, goodness knows, they couldn't possibly do it as good as us. Amen.
And if somebody else does it, they might get part of the credit. And we don't want that. I mean, honestly, would you rather die from exhaustion or would you rather let somebody help you, even if they don't do a totally perfect job the way you'd like it done?
A lot of times, to be honest, we just think more highly of ourselves than we ought to. Anyway, living on the edge has become a very popular statement. Our living life in the fast lane. It's our culture. It's the American dream. It can even be the result of unbalanced Bible teaching.
I want us to think about a scripture. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. See how we like that? But can I tell you something? If you don't know what that scripture means, it's going to get you in trouble. Because Paul, in verse 12, says, I know how to be abased and I know how to abound. I know how to live with plenty and I know how to live with very little. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
He's not saying, I can just do anything that I want to do. And if we teach it that way, which I've heard it taught that way many times, and probably in the earlier years of my life, even taught it that way myself, you can just get people all hyped up and get them convinced that, boy, they can just have any dream that they want to have.
And if they press hard enough, they can make that dream come to pass. And I can tell you, if I've taught people that, I repent. And it's just not true. Because here's what you can do. You can do whatever God assigns you to do. You can do what God assigns you to do, but you can't just do anything that you decide to do because you decide to dream it or to compete with somebody else or it's something you would like to do. Amen?
And I think this is one of the things that we really need to get through our head. I can do anything that God gives me to do, but if I'm trying to do a bunch of stuff that's not what I'm supposed to be doing, then God will love me enough to sit back and watch me fall flat on my face. Yes, He will.
He'll love you enough, if that's the only way He can get you back in His will, He will love you enough to watch you frustrate yourself and aggravate yourself and wear yourself out trying to do something that you're not supposed to be doing. And then finally, you'll say, I just can't do this. Oh, really? Well, I didn't ask you two to start with.
There's grace for your place. Long as you stay in your place, you'll always have the grace to do what you're supposed to do. So we need to make some changes. And one of the things that we need to do is set some boundaries in our life. Boundaries.
The Importance of Borders and Boundaries
You know, Dave and I were looking around our hotel room today, and everywhere you look, there's boundaries and borders. It's kind of interesting. It's like the baseboard along the wall is a border. There was a border around the carpet. Out on the deck, there was a fencing around the deck that was a border that kept anybody from getting on, but it also kept me from falling off.
And borders in our life protect us, and they establish guidelines for other people. You can come this far, and you can't come any further. Nobody has actually said it, but the very fact of the way this platform is built up here, you kind of know that means you can't come up here. I belong up here right now. You don't belong up here right now.
So you stay there, and I'll stay here, and we'll all get along good. And everywhere that you look, oceans and rivers have boundaries. And if they stay in their boundaries, they're great. But if they get outside their boundaries, they become dangerous.
So we need to realize that having borders and boundaries in our life is extremely, extremely important. And as long as God's will and God's word is our boundary, everything is going to go good in our lives. But once we get outside that boundary, things are not going to be good.
I had a job one time at a church in my city, and there was a time when I was supposed to be there. It was right, and I was supposed to be there. And I learned a lot there, and I thank God for the opportunities I had there. But then there came a time when God was finished with that.
And I want to tell you something. Life gets rough when God gets finished, and you're not finished yet. And some of you are probably in that place right now in your life. You're still trying to ride a horse that's been dead for 20 years, and, you know, the general rule is, if the horse is dead, dismount.
And what I mean by that, if there's no life in what you're doing anymore, if it's all struggle, if it's all effort, if you hate it, you can't stand it, it makes you miserable, then maybe you need to stop and just say, and is this not my place anymore?
Because if it's not what you're supposed to be doing anymore, then there's not going to be any grace for you to do it. And no matter how much you want to do it, no matter how much everybody else wants you to do it, no matter how much money you're making, no matter how attractive it is, if God's finished and we don't get finished, we are going to be very, very unhappy.
Likewise, if God's not finished, if He wants us to stay and we decide to go, then that's going to make us miserable too. When I say God will give you grace for your place, what I mean is, as long as we stay within the boundaries and the borders of God's will, we're always going to have grace to be there.
And that means that we can do whatever God gives us to do and we can do it with peace and we can do it with joy. I said, as long as we're doing what God wants us to do, we can do it with peace and we can do it with joy. Come on.
Practical Boundaries for a Balanced Life
Now, I know, I know in saying this that I'm kind of rattling some of you because you're thinking, oh my gosh, I'm going to have to give this up. I'm going to have to stop doing this. I'm going to have to make a change. Well, what's the point in coming to hear stuff like this if you only just want to be entertained?
I am not an entertainer. That is, I mean, you may think I'm entertaining, but I am not an entertainer. That's not why we're here. We're here to change lives. And the Word of God changes our lives. And I can tell you, I did not just open a sermon drawer and pull this out and show up here in Hershey.
I have studied hard, hard, hard to bring you this information. Very hard. I've laid out notes. I've had them typed. I've gone over them and over them and over them and over them. And so, I want you to make your mind up now that whatever God shows you needs to change, that you're going to change it because it's for your benefit if you do. Amen.
Borders and boundaries. This is the boundary for our life. Your Word, oh God, is a light to me and a lamp to my path. Now, what kind of boundaries could we set? Well, let's just do some practical things. If you're stressed, then learn what the cause is and make some changes.
If you're doing too much of something, then cut something out. I've got a good idea. If you're not getting enough sleep, how many of you don't get enough sleep? I don't know how many miles you came to hear me say this, but here it comes. Go to bed earlier. Don't stay up at night doing stupid stuff.
Dave and I still laugh. And this has been probably 35 years ago, maybe 40 years ago. We still laugh. It was dumb then, but it's funny when we look back. We stayed up one night till like 1 o'clock in the morning watching this movie about a baby dinosaur named Baby. And honestly, it looked like a cardboard cutout dinosaur. And we lost a night's sleep over that thing.
And you can laugh at me all you want to, but how many of you do equally dumb things? Go to bed. Don't you have anything to tell me other than that? Have bedtime boundaries. I have boundaries on my bedtime. And you don't all certainly have to do or need to do or you're not even going to want to do what I do.
But if you want to know how I'm still doing what I'm doing at the speed at which I'm doing it with at 72 years of age, let me tell you that I have a bedtime. When I'm home, I head back to my bedroom at 7 p.m. Now, I don't go to sleep then, but something that I need for me is I need two, preferably three hours. Three hours is better. In the evening where I am just left alone.
Because I don't have much time in my life when I'm left alone. So that is like my space and my husband can tell you I have got boundaries around my evening times. It's like you better have something really important if you want me to go out in the evening. I don't go to parties in the evening. I don't care to eat out in the evening.
I do what I do from 4.30 in the morning until about 6 o'clock in the evening. After that, I'm done. My son teases me. He says, you better get home, mom. The streetlights are coming on. I'm like, that's right. I don't like to eat at 7, 8, 9 o'clock at night and I'm not going to do it. That's not what I like. It doesn't work well for me. I don't sleep good and I'm not going to do it. That's called a boundary. Amen.
Now, you don't have to do what I do. Matter of fact, you shouldn't do what I do. But you need to know what you should do. You need to know what you should do and you need to set a boundary and do that. And let me tell you something. When you set a boundary, everybody else is not always going to like it.
And they may even get judgmental and critical and think you're silly. But let me tell you something. If you don't take care of you, nobody else is probably going to do it. So, I have a job to finish for God. And believe it or not, having a regular bedtime for me is part of me being able to finish that job.
Now, some of you may think, I don't know what you thought you were coming to hear. You wanted some deep theological thing. But let me tell you something. When Elijah was falling apart, he got a nap and a good meal. So, don't tell me this is not Bible. It is Bible. Amen? That's our problem now. We get so spiritual that we don't even know what we're doing. Whoa.
Oh, boy. Did you... Whoa. That was so good. Well, what did you learn? I don't know, man. But it was really good. Well, when you go home from here and somebody says, what did you learn? You can say, go to bed.
If you're eating so bad that it could never sustain a healthy lifestyle, then change your diet. Hmm. I know. You'd rather not talk about this kind of stuff but I'm going to anyway. It's my meeting and I'll talk about what I want to. Okay, now look. Here's the way it works with eating. Can I have permission to talk to you for a few minutes about eating?
Okay. You set boundaries on your eating. You say, okay, I'm going to eat dessert one time a week. Can I tell you something? I know that most of you don't think that this would be possible. But it is possible for you to come to Hershey, Pennsylvania and not eat one bite of chocolate the whole time you're here. That is totally and completely possible.
And see, here's where a lot of people go off. Well, it's like, well, it's Christmas. Well, it's Thanksgiving. Well, why does every holiday have to be an excuse to get so full that you're miserable? Oh, boy. You could... You make your own plan. I'm just telling you that you've got to have some boundaries.
Okay, if you love soda pop, then don't eat... Don't drink three a day. Have three a week. Eat pasta once a week. Now, here's a great one. When you first feel full, when you first feel the feeling of full, quit eating. You know what I do with my plate? I make them come get it. Take it.
Here's another good one. Don't keep things in your house you don't want to eat. That's a boundary. Just don't take it home. Don't take the chocolate home from Hershey that you're all going to want to take home. Unless you want to eat it. Now, if you want to eat it, have at it. It's not... There's nothing wrong with eating it. I'm just talking to people that either want to lose some weight, you want to feel better.
And I don't even do this kind of stuff. I mean, yes, I do it partially because I want to keep my weight at a certain place. But mainly, I have to feel good to do what I'm doing. And there are so many people in the body of Christ that are sick and tired. And you get sick and tired of listening to all the people that are sick and tired.
We should be full of energy and zeal and enthusiasm and we're not going to get it just by praying. We're going to have to make some changes. And I can tell you very sincerely, and I would have no reason to tell you this other than I believe it's important. How you take care of your body and how you feel does affect you spiritually.
If you don't feel good, you don't want to serve. If you don't feel good, you don't want to study. You don't want to pray. If you don't feel good, you don't even have the sensitivity to hear from God like you would if you felt good. It is important that you do your part.
Now, some of you have things wrong with you that only God can fix, but I'm talking about doing your part and it's not that complicated. Are you stressed out because you're running behind schedule most days and usually late for almost everything? Okay, so we're going to set a boundary. I'm only making suggestions.
Why don't you set a boundary in your life that from now on you're going to get everywhere you go at least a few minutes early. Rushing is a huge problem. Well, you talk about something that will stress you out. It is rushing, rushing, rushing. Leave margin between things. Hurrying is detrimental to your health.
Technology. Internet, emails, texting, iPad, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Periscope. I don't even know what that one is yet. Snapchat. And that's something where you take a bunch of pictures and the people have only got a few seconds to see them and then they disappear. I don't, you know.
So now we not only have to look at all this stuff, we've got to do it fast. It's like... And then there's selfies. You know, I was given a selfie stick for my birthday where you can put your phone on this stick and get the stick way out of here. So then it's easier to go around and take pictures of yourself all day and send them to everybody.
I mean, are we in love with ourselves or what? Look at me, I'm chewing. There's actually a disorder now called FOMO. F-O-M-O. And it's the fear of missing out. And Matt sent me this just before the meeting and so I wanted to share it with you. Addicted to phones. I could not believe, Joyce, that there is an actual clinical term for the fear of being away from your phone.
It is called nomophobia. Now, how much do you want to bet me that there are people getting counseling for this? I can save you a lot of money. Turn the dumb thing off. If I got paid for what I'm doing, I would be doing well. Nomophobia. An irrational fear of being away from your phone or being unable to check it.
Or the sudden urge to check your phone regardless of whether there was a buzz or a notification that you even got a message. And having difficulty, now listen, and having difficulty waiting to check your phone in situations where you should not check your phone like during a Joyce Meyer meeting. Having a conversation with people.
I am tired of looking at the top of people's heads while I try to talk to them while they're... There actually is even a quiz that you can take online to find out if you have nomophobia. Nomophobia. And you know why we're laughing? Because it is really stupid. But here again, we're the only ones that can do anything about it.
I remember when if you wanted to make a phone call, you had to pull over to the side of the road, get out of your car, find a pay phone. I remember when we had four-way party lines. Come on. How many of you remember that? That means you're close to my age. Woo! I mean, can some of you young people imagine picking up the phone and somebody else being on it and you having to wait until they got off?
Boy, talk about a chance to be nosy, honey. That was it. Are you stressed out from financial pressure? Cut up the credit cards and make a plan to get out of debt. Psalm 37, 21, The wicked borrow and pay not again for they may be unable, but the righteous deal kindly and they give for they are able.
Now, it's not a sin to borrow money, but it is a sin to borrow it and not pay it back. Hmm. Boy, that didn't go so well, did it? A man void of good sense pledges and becomes a security for another. That means that you co-sign on somebody's loan. Hmm. The Bible tells you not to do that.
Now, you know, be honest, if it's one of your kids and you want to do it, I suppose that might be a little different, but even then, even if it's one of your kids, you've got to realize if you sign on the dotted line, you may have to end up paying it. Be prepared to live lean until you get out of debt.
Boundaries in Relationships and Respect
Boundaries and relationships. Are you resentful because people take advantage of you? I remember somebody who was a controller and they controlled me for a long time. And when I finally realized what was going on, I got so mad at them and I remember God saying to me, you're just as guilty, you let them do it.
Borders and boundaries are like fences, they keep unwanted things out. Like I've said a couple of other times, if you have a fence, your neighbor's dog can't come and poo on your yard. Does your mouth say yes while your heart's saying no? If you're being taken advantage of, could it be your own fault? Are you ready to make a change?
Is it ever loving not to help someone? Well, I don't know, Joyce, what about Luke 630? Give away to everyone who begs of you and everybody who's in want of necessity and him who takes away from you your goods, don't even demand them back again. Wow, everybody who asked me, I got to give to them?
Well, let's also look at 2 Thessalonians 3.10 with that, for while we were yet with you, gave you this rule and charge, if anybody will not work, neither should he eat. Wow, we've forgotten about this one in our society. Now listen, there's a difference in cannot work and will not work.
If somebody cannot, if they truly fit the guidelines of somebody being poor according to the Bible, then we need to full-on help them. That is our job as believers in Jesus Christ. But it's not our job to keep rescuing somebody who doesn't want to do their part to run their life, even if it's your own kids.
Here's a made-up story, but nonetheless, you'll like it. Lifelong friends Sarah and Jen went out to lunch one day and started talking about their kids who were now moving into adulthood. They discussed all the challenges they faced through the years as parents.
I can't believe Eddie is still living at home, his mother said. I know it's pathetic, but he's our only child, and we just can't bring ourselves to push him out in the cold, harsh world. Sarah said, the cold, harsh world? He's 27 years old.
I know, I know, but Eddie just can't seem to get his life together, and I'm beginning to think he never will. But your kids seem to be doing great, Sarah. Give me some advice. What shall I do? She said, well, it sounds to me like you need a lesson in personal boundaries.
Sarah and her husband had three children. They did their best to raise them right. Although they weren't perfect, all their kids did well in school, avoided drugs and the major pitfalls of teenage years, and were becoming responsible adults. Jen and her husband had one son named Eddie.
From a very young age, Eddie was constantly struggling in school, refusing to do his chores, or contribute to the family, eventually got into drugs, hanging out with the wrong crowd. It was obvious that his parents loved him dearly, but with the best of intentions, they tried to protect him from ever feeling any negative consequences in life.
Even if those consequences were a result of his own mistakes. Desperate for answers, Jim asked, what do you mean by personal boundaries? Well said, Sarah, to tell you the truth, all through Eddie's life, you seemed to shelter him from the consequences of his actions. He seemed to get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it, whether he'd earned it or not.
If he didn't finish his homework, you covered for him or tried to convince his teacher to let him make up the test. If he didn't do his charge, you still paid his allowance in full. He relied on you to supply his money through college so he didn't have to work and take time out of his social life.
When he flunked out of class, you felt that it must have been the teacher's fault and you were more happy to pay for him to retake the class with a different teacher. Wow, said Jim, I've never looked at it quite that way. It seems our helping him was not helping him at all.
Sarah replied, basically you were always willing to extend and compromise your personal boundaries so that Eddie would never have to learn to develop and create his own. This resulted in stress and frustration for you and dependency and immaturity for Eddie.
If you had set your boundaries and stuck to them, define what lines you were not willing to cross to shelter him, it would have allowed Eddie to experience the consequences of his own actions. It would have forced him to feel the stress and the frustration of living with no personal boundaries.
With a look of relief and determination on her face, Jen declared, it appears that my husband and I have some lines to draw and some boundaries to rebuild. And Eddie is about to learn that he's going to have some consequences that are long overdue. Amen?
Now listen, I know that some of you have children that probably sound just like Eddie and it may not be from anything you've done or not done. There are kids that go haywire that are raised by great, wonderful parents. But I don't know about you, but I'm a rescuer.
I got hurt a lot in my young life and because I went through a lot of pain, I don't do well letting people hurt. My husband's much better at it than I am. And I don't mean that like he's mean, but I mean he will let the kids bear their consequences.
Now our kids are all grown now and praise God they all turned out real well. But there were many times when Dave and I would have some heated conversations over punishment and sticking with things that we told our kids we would do and we wouldn't do.
And let me just tell you something. However you start in any relationship, you better make sure that you start it wisely. Because whatever you start giving to somebody in the beginning is what they're going to expect later on. You can give somebody a privilege today that becomes an expectation a year from now. Amen?
And you need to have boundaries. Don't just let people talk to you like you're dirt. Establish to them, if you want to communicate with me, then I expect you to communicate with me properly. And if somebody won't respect you, then just don't have a relationship with them. Amen?
And I'm not saying that, you know, if you've got a problem in your marriage, your spouse is not respecting you, go home and say, Joyce said I could divorce you. That's not what I'm saying. I've got to cover myself. That's not what I'm saying and you know that.
But I am saying, if you're not going to talk to me respectfully, then just don't talk to me at all. Because you have worth and value. You are valuable to God. And you need to respect yourself and you need to make everybody else respect you too. Don't let people use you and abuse you and take advantage of you and treat you like dirt.
You start respecting yourself and you put some boundaries around your life and don't let people push you around anymore. And one final thing. If the only way that somebody will be your friend is if they always hear yes from you, then they're not a friend at all.
And you might as well start finding out who your real friends are and who they aren't because people who really love you will respect your no. They're going to want you to follow the Holy Spirit. And if you say to somebody, I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that's what I'm supposed to do, they should say that's great. I want you to follow your heart.
Don't ever let somebody else tell you what God is saying to you. One more time, don't ever let somebody else tell you what God is saying to you. Come on, give God a big one. I wish I could whistle loud, but I can't.