Joyce Meyer - Anger Management [FULL] (08/20/2019)
Joyce Meyer tackles anger management by sharing personal stories and biblical wisdom, starting from Genesis 4. She explains that anger, just one letter from "danger," often stems from unaddressed roots like past hurt or guilt. The conclusion is that we must acknowledge our feelings to God, choose not to act on them, and let the Holy Spirit help us master this destructive emotion for a peaceful life.
The Hidden Roots of Our Anger
Well, I know you all look so sweet. I can't imagine that any of you have a problem with anger, but I sure did for a long time. I think many times we don't even know what we're angry about, or what we think we're angry about is not even really what we're angry about. So for the next two sessions, we're going to try to take this thing apart and get to the bottom of what's going on. We need to find out what the roots of the bad fruit are and let God help us get them out, amen.
Some people are angry and don't even know that's what's wrong with them. I heard a story just last week. You may be familiar with Mercy Ministries. We're a supporter of theirs, and we built a home in St. Louis. I went to their ten-year anniversary, and there was a girl there giving a testimony. She said, "My father committed suicide when I was a teenager, and I just never could seem to get myself straightened out after that." She said she started drinking, started taking a lot of drugs, and her life was just in a total mess. She was just falling apart.
She got into the Mercy Ministries home to try to get some help. One of the first things she started finding out while she was there is that her problem started at the time her father committed suicide. She never realized this, but she was angry at him because he did that and left the family. She could not get well; she couldn't stop drinking or taking drugs until she got over being angry. I think there's a lot of people that have substance abuse problems and all kinds of different problems. Really, the root of the problem is that somewhere way down deep inside, they're angry.
Who Are We Really Angry At?
They're angry at God because their life hasn't turned out right. They're angry at somebody else who hurt them or disappointed them. Or they may even be angry at themselves for something they did or didn't do. I'm going to tell you a little bit about my family tonight and my mom in particular. She ended up with a lifetime of mental illness, and I know it was rooted in anger that she had toward herself and guilt that she felt. She did not do anything about what my father was doing to me. She was afraid of him; she let him do it. Her excuse was fear.
But you know what? Even when we make excuses that sound good, if we know we should be doing something and we're not doing it, we're going to end up feeling guilty that we didn't do it. How many of you are with me and understand what I'm saying tonight? So this is going to be like a little free lesson in psychology. You're going to be on Joyce's couch, and we're going to get a little free hour of counseling here.
Anger is one letter away from danger. All you have to do is add a "D" onto the front of it, which we could say represents the devil, and anger becomes danger. Anger is the condition where the tongue works faster than the mind. Benjamin Franklin said, "Whatever has begun in anger ends in shame." He also said, "Anger is never without a reason, but it seldom has a good one."
Learning to Process Anger God's Way
A lady once came to Billy Sunday and tried to rationalize her angry outburst. "There's nothing wrong with losing my temper," she said. "I blow up, and then it's just all over." He said, "So does a shotgun, and look at the damage it leaves behind," which I thought was pretty good. When Abraham Lincoln had to write a letter to someone who had irritated him, he would often write two letters. The first letter was deliberately insulting. Then, having gotten those feelings out of his system, he would tear it up and write a second letter that was tactful, discreet, and godly.
I thought about that, and I thought, you know, if you read the Psalms, you'll see that David vented his feelings. He was very honest with God about how he felt. If he was angry, if he was hurting, if he was confused, if he felt like God had left him, if he didn't understand what was going on, he didn't hold back his feelings. He expressed those feelings, but to the right person. I think many people, if they would really talk things out with God, would get rid of them, and they wouldn't be a problem for the rest of their life.
So we want to look at a whole lot of different things, and I hope it becomes helpful to you and something that you enjoy. Anger statistics: one out of five Americans has an anger management problem. Enrollment in anger management courses, court-ordered or voluntary, is booming, absolutely booming. Road rage has surged over the last few years nationwide. The demand for anger management counselors is at an all-time high.
Why Anger is a Modern Epidemic
Tonight, I get to be an anger management counselor. Isn't that good? Actually, the Holy Ghost is our anger management counselor, and you don't have to go. I mean, you can if you want to spend your money—I'm not putting it down—but you don't have to go to somebody to tell you how to handle your anger. It's all very clear right here in the Book. The good thing about going to God is He'll give you the help you need to actually pull it off and do it. Go somewhere else, and you might just get instructions but no help. God wants to help you.
There's not enough anger management counselors to cover all the people who want to get into these classes. Newsweek said these people are coming out in droves asking for help. Now, there's a lot of reasons for all this anger, and we're going to discuss it a lot over the weekend. One of the reasons why people are angry today is just all the stress they're under. How many of you feel like you've got a lot more stress in your life than what you can deal with?
If you don't like your life and you don't like your schedule, you made it, and you're the only one that can change it. See, you're not happy? Happy about that? Help me, Jesus. You see, in order to be free from anything, we have to face truth. Blaming and making excuses never helps us change anything. So let me say to you what God said to me: if you don't like your schedule, you made it. You're the one that can change it.
Taking Responsibility for Our Reactions
We think all these things are forced on us, and then we get mad at all these people that we think are forcing us to do all these things. Really, the truth is nothing is stopping us from saying no. Now, I've already said enough to change your life if that's what you need. Well, what keeps us from saying no? We don't want people to be mad at us. And you know what? People that you have to let control you to keep their friendship is somebody that you're going to lose, and they're going to disappoint you eventually anyway.
I like this. In discussing anger, Dallas Willard, who's a very godly philosophy professor, offers a telling definition. He says that anger is "a feeling that seizes us in our body." How many of you can feel it when it gets a hold of you? I always say it starts down here somewhere, and you've got to get it before it gets to your mouth. It's a feeling that seizes us in our body and immediately impels us toward interfering with and possibly even harming those who have thwarted our will and interfered with our life.
Now listen to this. Anger, Willard notes, is frequently used to make other people around us change their course of action. In so doing, it controls their will, which only results in anger on their part. So my anger feeds off your anger, and here we go round and around, and there's never an end to it, amen. All right, there's nothing better than peace. You know that? Actually, peace equals power in your life.
From Paper Towels to Power: A Real-Life Test
If you want to have power in your life, if you want to have more energy in your life, you can't be angry. How many of you had ample opportunities in the last seven days to be angry? Me too, me too. I'll tell you what. Dave has a paper towel thing. First of all, he's just falling in love with paper towels. He wants to dry the dishes with paper towels. I mean, everything is a paper towel.
But sometimes he likes to spread them out on the counter and say he's going to use them again in a minute. Well, I don't like that. They're not dirty; they're just maybe damp. Or if he pulls off one too many—you know, he's very thrifty, so he doesn't want to waste it—so he'll spread it out on the counter. Well, I don't like stuff spread out on the counter, so I go along, pick them up, and throw them in the trash can. So it's become, he said, "You put anything down around here, you're going to lose it in about two seconds. That's for sure."
So the other night, he was ready to go up to his office. He's got a little space up there where he watches his sports at night, and I do my thing. You know, the older you get, the happier you are to give each other space. When you're first married, you just want to be with each other every second. Well, you more than likely will get over that, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Choosing Peace Over Petty Conflict
So anyway, he's getting ready to go up to his office, and he's got these paper towels laid out on the counter. I'm like, "Why do you have those laid out?" He said, "I've got them there for when I come downstairs." I said, "Now, wait a minute," because I want my counters neat. So I said, "Why do you have your paper towel laying out on the counter for when you come downstairs at bedtime? Why can't you take it off the roll then?" He said, "Because I want it there." I said, "I don't want it there." He said, "I want it there." I said, "Why do you want it there?" He went over to it, folded it up, and said, "That's all right. I'm taking it upstairs with me." He said, "I didn't expect to get an inquisition over a paper towel."
But the point is, twenty-five years ago, I would have gotten so mad. Now, how many of you get mad over stupid stuff? Okay, maybe you're not the kind of person that's going to have road rage. Maybe there's somebody watching by TV that might be that kind of person. But I'm going to assume that's none of you since you're here together for church tonight. But you may still be a little guilty of getting angry over what the Bible calls "trifling, uninformed, unedifying, stupid controversies over ignorant questions."
If you don't think that's in the Bible, it's 2 Timothy 2:23. I want you to think seriously with me. When I think about how many days and years of my life I wasted being angry about things that really didn't even matter, trying to control people that I was never going to be able to control... can I tell you that trying to run the universe is hard work? I mean, it just will flat wear you out.
Understanding the Anatomy of Anger
Anger—the Greek, Vine's dictionary says—is the strongest of all passions. It is indignation, vengeance, and wrath. Anger begins as a feeling and can—doesn't have to, but can—progress to expression in words or actions. I was not kidding when I said you can feel anger and upset. It starts somewhere down in here, in the realm of the depths of our soul. You actually can feel it getting bigger and rising and rising.
I was not joking when I said you need to do something about it before it gets to your mouth because once we start to add words to it, then it gets worse and worse and worse. Then we've usually got words coming back at us, and now we're in this real heated exchange. That's when sometimes people can do things and say things that they really, with all their heart, wish later they would not have said and done, amen.
So I said it can progress to expression in words or actions, but I also want to quickly add: it doesn't have to. You know why? Because we don't have to follow every feeling that we have, amen. All anger does not have the same characteristics. One type is characterized by quickly blazing up and subsiding just as quickly. You're in a grocery store; somebody bumps into you with their grocery cart. You get control of yourself; you realize it's an accident. That's over very quick.
The Settled Anger That Steals Your Life
Another type is a more settled, abiding condition of the mind, frequently with a view to revenge. Now, this is the type that can take root in you or me because we think about it over and over and over what somebody has done to us. You know, the more we think about something, the more out of proportion it can become. Till suddenly, this thing that really didn't have to be that big of a deal becomes this big, huge mountain in our life and can become a controlling factor.
I'll tell you what I've decided, and it's working pretty well for me. I don't have enough years of my life left to waste one more of them angry. Maybe when you're in your 20s, you feel like you've got a lot of time to waste being mad. But by the time you get to where I'm at—and we won't talk about it tonight—by the time you get there, you don't feel like you've got any time left to waste. So I'm going to ask you tonight to deal with this emotion of anger.
Let God help you deal with the emotion of anger. Not only to get rid of any repressed anger that you have left over from old things that have happened to you but learning that we live in a society that is violent and angry. We're in the world and not of it, and we need to be an example to other people, not out there acting just like they do. Do not put a Christian bumper sticker on your car if you are not going to act like a Christian while you're driving, amen.
How Unexpressed Anger Manifests
Then there's a type of anger that is provoking to take action. In other words, the angry person verbally or physically acts out the anger. Anger can manifest in yelling, hitting, damaging, throwing things, bringing harm to the focus of the anger, criticizing, or withdrawing. That was one of my favorite ones. If I was angry, I'm not coming in the room with you. I'd rather go out the front door, walk around the house, and come in the back door to get to the kitchen than to walk through the room where you're at, amen.
If I'm angry with you, don't touch me in the bed. I will sleep on the seam of the mattress rather than touch you. I will not ask you to do anything for me. Well, let me ask you a question: who are we hurting? He had the cover, and I stayed cold all night. He had the TV, and I was off in another room pouting, sitting in the bathroom floor crying. It's really downright foolish when you get right down to it.
And you know, some of this is humorous, but I really want you to take it very seriously tonight. I'm telling you, anger is doing so much damage to people's lives and so much damage to their health. I'm sure if we had the time—which I don't—I could ask Dr. Paul to come up here and tell you what anger does to your health. He could tell you that it's not healthy to be angry. There's no telling how much energy it takes to have one good fit and try to get over it.
When Anger Turns Inward or Gets Passive-Aggressive
Do you know what fits are? Here in Houston, sometimes anger results in ridiculing or humiliating another person, teasing in a manner of putting them down. A lot of times we're actually angry at somebody; we've got some kind of a deep-rooted resentment. So we do what the Bible calls "coarse jesting," where we're saying negative, unkind, insulting things but acting like we're kidding. "Come on, oh, I was only kidding. I was only kidding." Well, out of the heart, the mouth speaks, amen.
This type of behavior can also be seen toward oneself. You can be angry with yourself, and you can say downgrading things about yourself. We played golf with a man one time, and I remember every single time he would make a mistake—hit the ball bad, miss the ball, miss a putt—he would say, "Stupid! I'm so stupid. That's just stupid." Well, see, he was doing that because he was angry at himself. He was embarrassed because he didn't perform well, and he was angry at himself.
I tell people this all over the world, and I'm going to tell you tonight: do not ever again say a downgrading thing about yourself out of your own mouth. You are created specially with the hand of God. He loves you; He has created you uniquely. You make mistakes like we all do. I make mistakes; you make mistakes. But there's a lot more right with you than there is wrong with you, amen.
The Generational Cycle of Displaced Anger
You know, my father frequently would hit the slack or occasionally even come home drunk on a Saturday night and beat my mother up. He was very fond of yelling and screaming and sticking his fist in your face like he was going to hit you. I hated that. I hated it. Even now, I don't do well if somebody is slapping at my face because I still have a reaction to him doing that all the time. I really just, even if somebody's teasing me, I don't want them around my face.
My dad was so mean, but you know what his real problem was? He was mad at himself. He knew that his behavior was wrong. He knew that he was doing a lot of things that were wrong, but instead of taking responsibility for them and getting the help that he needed, he blamed everybody else in the world. There was something wrong with everybody out there. If you're dealing with somebody in your life that finds fault with everybody in the universe, then in all probability, there's a guilt problem going on inside of them.
The Biblical Example: Cain and Abel
About something they're doing, and instead of facing it, they're displacing that anger onto somebody else. We can see this whole thing get started in the Book of Genesis when Cain killed Abel. I want us to go look at it. It's in Genesis chapter 4. There was an issue here with the offerings that Cain and Abel gave to God. Abel's offering was acceptable to God, but Cain's was not. Verse 5 says, "But for Cain and his offering, He had no respect or regard."
God said, "I had no respect for his offering." So Cain was exceedingly angry and indignant, and he looked sad and depressed—which we might also add that a lot of these bad moods that people have are also the result of anger of some kind. And the Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry, and why do you look sad and depressed and dejected?" Now I love this: "If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin crouches at your door; its desire is for you."
And I like this, too: "You must master it." So don't blame somebody else if you're not doing what's right. He's saying to him, "Then you can find forgiveness; things can be straightened out, but you have to face it." Just don't go around angry because your life is not turning out the way you want it to when you didn't do what you should have done to get the right result.
The Truth That Sets Us Free From Anger
Now, seriously, think about it. How many people in the world are bitter and angry about their circumstance? "It would be nice if I would have been born with a golden spoon in my mouth like you were." People are angry and jealous of people who have more than they do, but they don't want to do what they did to get it. And that doesn't make any sense. Please, whether you're in this building or watching by TV, don't spend your life angry and bitter and indignant because you're not doing what you should do to get the circumstances that you'd like to have.
One of the big problems we have in our society today is this attitude that everybody owes me something. And nobody owes me anything. God sets before every person life and death. Choose life that you and your descendants may live. And whatever you sow, that and that only is what you will reap. We could have about a month together probably to do this justice. You know what happened? Cain did not control his anger. He got more angry and more angry, and he ended up rising up and killing his brother.
There's buried anger, where we stuff it inside of us. We deny it, especially as a Christian, because we don't think we're supposed to be angry even though we are. So the last thing we want to admit is that we are angry, and so we put a smile on our face and pretend like everything is okay. You heard me talk last night about how Dave and I would fight all the way to church and then the first person we saw that was another Christian going to the church, we would just immediately, like, "Oh, praise the Lord, thank you." You know, get... How many of you have a church face? Come on, come on.
Making the Decision to Get Over It
We don't want anybody in the church to know that we've got a problem. Only truth makes us free. Nothing but the truth makes us free. John 8:31-32: "If you continue in My word, then are you My disciples indeed. And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." But the truth has to be received and accepted. I've been saying for years, it's not me knowing what Dave is doing wrong that's going to set me free. It's me receiving truth from God for myself.
So as you listen to these teachings tonight and tomorrow, or you watch them on television for the next few days, or if you're listening by CD or watching by DVD, we all have an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and to pray and get with the Holy Spirit and ask God to make some positive, healthy changes in our life. How many of you would just as soon not spend one more day of your life angry and upset over something that happened twenty or thirty years ago that you can't do anything about?
Or, for that matter, something that happened this morning that you might as well get over because you're probably going to get over it in two or three days from now anyway. That was something the Lord taught me. I would get mad about things and stay mad for two or three days, and then I'd finally decide to get over it. One time He was dealing with me, and He said, "Why don't you just go ahead and make that decision to get over that right now? Then you don't have to waste the next three days because you're going to get over it anyway."
How to Be Angry and Sin Not
Am I not telling the truth? So if I can get over it in three days, why can't I just decide? Everybody say, "Decide." Decide. Say, "Decide." That's a good word. You say, "But I feel..." Well, now, you see, right there's where the problem is. I'll tell you what you do with those feelings. Tell God how you feel, just like the psalmist David did. If you want to write a nasty letter to somebody but then tear it up before you give it to them, get it out of your system. Vent. Tell God, "This is the way I feel, God."
But because of Your grace and Your mercy and the power of the Holy Spirit in my life, I don't have to act on foolish, ridiculous feelings that are going to cause problems in my life and end up hurting me. There's a lot of confusion over the emotion of anger. The world is not confused about it; they think it's the way to handle everything. But a lot of Christians are confused because they really feel like, as a godly individual, they should never have anger.
Interestingly enough, the Bible says, "Be angry, and sin not." So how can I be angry and sin not? The way to be angry and sin not is to feel the anger but not act on it. Instead, turn the problem, the situation, or the person over to God and let Him be your vindicator. I'm sure there's some people in here tonight that you desperately need to do that. You look sweet, but I surely... I've got some angry people here. There must be some people here tonight who wandered in the door that have got some stuff going on inside you that is hurting you and hurting the people around you.
See, when you're angry, you take it out on somebody. It comes out of you. Here's a good thing to do anytime we have any kind of an ungodly behavior: stop and ask God, "Where is that coming from?"
↓↓↓ Second Part ↓↓↓
Understanding Our Resistance to Change
How many of you realize that sometimes we have issues in our life, things that are hurting us, that it really makes no sense? We just keep doing the same thing over and over, but yet somehow we just won't let go of our issue. Okay, we want to show you a little clip that we got online and got permission to use... Now that goes on and on and on. They keep trying to get him to put down his box so he can see what he's doing and stop banging his head against the wall, and he refuses to give up his issue.
The Cycle of Self-Defeating Behavior
You know what? I think a lot of us are the exact same way. It's like we're banging our head against the wall, so to speak, keep doing something that is never going to work because it's not God's plan or how he does things. And yet somehow, it's amazing. Sometimes just because we think that going through what we need to go through to get free is hard, we will hang on to something that's actually even harder. And it's just the devil's trick.
The Real Cost of Anger
It's like, "Well, that's just too hard. Well, it's not fair. Well, you don't know what people have done to me." But I can tell you that anger never works. It hinders your prayer, makes you miserable, makes you sick, and can actually cause mental illness. There's all kinds of problems that anger causes. Anger is one letter away from danger. All you got to do is add a 'd' onto the front of it, which we could say represents the devil, and anger becomes danger.
Biblical Examples of Anger
And so we start in the book of Genesis with Cain getting angry at Abel, so angry that he killed him. And all through the Bible we see situations where people were angry, and all through the Bible we see the bad results. And we see God saying, "Turn it over to me. I'm your Vindicator. Let me be the one that brings justice in your life." And so we have a choice to make today.
Is Anger Always a Sin?
Anger is harmful to us—anger that is not controlled. Because you see, I want to remind you that if somebody treats you unjustly, I mean even let's just say somebody pulls out in front of you in traffic, the feeling of anger is not a sin. That's natural and normal. The feeling of anger is not a sin, but what we choose to do with it, or how long we choose to let it go on, that's where the sin comes in.
It was really good for me to learn that because I used to feel guilty every time that I would feel angry. I wanted to do what was right, and I think a lot of Christians feel guilty every time they feel angry. But it's really, I mean, that's an emotion that God has put in us to let us know when we're being mistreated. However, there's a second thing that God asks us to do.
The Choice to Turn It Over
Not only know when we're being mistreated, but not to try to vindicate ourselves, not to try to get revenge, not to hate people, not to be angry and upset, but to immediately turn it over to him. It's called letting go of your box. Turn it over to him and let him be your Vindicator. Now, God may not move as fast as you'd like him to. He may not do it the way that you would like him to, but God will vindicate us.
Because listen to what I'm going to say: God does not like it when people mistreat his kids. You may think your boss has taken advantage of you, and you're not being paid what you're worth, and you're being overlooked. And you can hate him all you want to, and it's never going to get you a raise, and it's never going to change anything. It's not going to increase your joy.
Choosing Faith Over Frustration
You can sit at lunch and you can gossip about him and downgrade him. It's not going to help you in your life; it's not going to add joy to your life. But you can pray about it. You can turn him over to God, and if he refuses to do what God's trying to get him to do, then God will get you out of there and get you a better job somewhere where you will be respected. There's nothing too hard for God. Absolutely nothing too hard for God.
My son had a really good example the other day. He's got three small boys, plus he's the CEO of all of our Stateside Ministries, so he's got a lot going on. But he said, "You know, God showed me a good example the other day. He said, 'My boys believe anything I tell them.'" And he said they absolutely think that he can do anything. He said if he told them that he's going to fill this swimming pool out here up with gasoline, set it on fire, and jump over it, they would say okay. They would believe that.
Childlike Faith in God
And he said that's the way God wants us to be with him, where no matter what he tells us or how fantastical it sounds, that it's not even a question for us. So if God says, "I will recompense you for your past hurts. I don't want you to be angry. I don't want you to be bitter. I don't want you to let what people do to you ruin your life," because let me tell you something: somebody out in the world is always going to be doing something.
Overcoming Evil with Good
You do not have to look very far to find an excuse to get angry, right? If you don't get angry about what somebody's doing to you, you can get angry about what they're doing to themselves. You can be angry about all the injustices in the world. But I found that if I don't like a lot of stuff that's going on in my life, the best way to respond to it is by doing something good.
If you want to make the devil mad, when he throws his best shot at you, you go be a blessing to somebody and see what that gets you. I probably share this scripture in almost every seminar that I do somewhere before the weekend's over. I'll share Romans 12:21, that we overcome evil with good. If you've not learned that secret yet, you need to get a hold of that. You're not going to ever fight evil with evil, but you can fight it with good and win every single time. Every time.
The Folly of Harboring Anger
Ecclesiastes 7:9 says that anger lodges in the bosom of a fool. So, in other words, people who have things happen to them and they let it get stuck in them, and they stay angry and bitter—do you know that some people, and possibly even some in here today, some watching by TV, listening by a recorded device, you've let something that somebody did to you way back over here, maybe even years and years ago, steal the best life that God has for you?
And I can tell you today is time for you to let go of your issue and let go of your box and decide that you're going to let God be your Vindicator in life. And if there's nothing that you're dealing with right now, I can promise you if you don't need this message today, you'll need it tomorrow or the next day or next week or the next month. None of us are going to go through life and not have multiple opportunities to get bitter and resentful and angry and stay mad and live lives filled with strife.
Temptation Versus Sin
Not one of us is going to go without an opportunity to do that. "Be angry and sin not," Ephesians says. And I love that because I used to think that just the feeling of anger was wrong. But let me tell you something: temptation is not sin. Did you hear me? You're being tempted to sin. But I actually think it's a great victory when we're tempted to sin and we can exercise the fruit of self-control and say no. I think that's a victory.
The Bible says temptation must come. So if you're waiting for temptation to go away, it's useless to pray, "Well, you know, Lord, I wish I wasn't tempted every time I see a chocolate cake." Well, you know, if you love chocolate, chances are you're going to have to learn to look at chocolate in a different way, right? You're going to have to look at it and say, "I will eat you if I want to, and if I don't want to, I won't. You are not my boss."
Empowered by God
I mean, I've had to learn in my life if I want to be healthy and feel good, that I have to have limitations on what I do. It's not that you can do all things in moderation, but you can't do everything you want to every day. You can't spend all the money you want to every day and not somehow end up in debt. You can't say everything you want to say all the time without ruining relationships. Is anybody awake in the house today?
So there's temptation all over the place, and we have to stop thinking, "I just can't help it. I can't control myself." God is never going to tell us to do or not to do something without giving us the ability to do it. So if God says, "Forgive. Let me be your recompense. Don't take revenge on people. Be angry and sin not. Don't let the sun go down on your anger," then we can do, with God's help, what he is asking us to do.
The Power to Forgive
And the first step toward ever being able to do what God wants you to do is to believe you can do it, right? When we're foolish and we let anger lodge within us, sometimes we do things that we can spend a lifetime regretting, right? Or we say things that we're really, really, really sorry for later. And so I want to show you a scripture that I think is interesting that maybe you've never thought of like this, and I don't really think I'm taking it out of context, but I want to show it to you.
John chapter 20, verse 23: Now having received the Holy Spirit and being led and directed by him—he's talking to the apostles because Jesus had been resurrected—he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of anyone, they are forgiven; and if you retain the sins of anyone, they are retained." Now let's just leave that up there for a minute because I want to share this with you in a couple of different ways.
Needing the Holy Spirit's Help
First of all, I believe to forgive people, we need the power of the Holy Spirit. If somebody's hurt you, don't just try to forgive them. You can make a decision to forgive; you can make a decision to pray for people, but you can't make your adverse feelings go away. Only God can do that. And so first thing, when you get hurt, whether it's major or minor, "Holy Spirit, help me. Help me. Help me get over this. Help me let it go."
I mean, don't wait. The longer you wait, the more it's going to get deeply rooted in you. The more you think about it, the harder it's going to be to let go of it. I mean, the minute that you get offended, the minute that you get angry, start praying right then. "God, I'm not going to live with offense. I'm not going to live with anger. Help me let this go." How many of you will do that right away? Right away?
Resisting the Devil
I love what First Peter 5 says: "Resist the devil at his onset." I love that. Don't mess with the devil. It's like I said last night, don't dabble in things like calling the psychic hotline or having your palm read at a circus. You know, you don't need to dabble in that kind of stuff. And we don't need to dabble around with these things that are hurting us. We need to do what the word says: "Resist the devil at his onset."
"I'm not going to live angry. I'm not going to stay bitter. Holy Spirit, help me." You don't have to live that way if you let God help you. Anger will ruin your life. So we need the Holy Spirit's help. But then I think that there's... so he's saying, "Receive the Holy Spirit. Now you can forgive people." But there's something here that I think that maybe has a little different context.
The Danger of Retaining Sin
"If you forgive the sins of anyone, they are forgiven; if you retain their sin..." If you keep it in you, then it's retained. And I think if we keep it in us and it's retained, then we can actually turn around and do the same thing that was done to us, right? My father abused me. He was very angry. He was harsh. He was hard. I hated him. I hated the way he acted, and minus the abuse, I ended up just as harsh and hard as he was because I had retained in me the effect of what he did to me.
How many children have violent parents and then they become violent? Or a boy watches his dad beat on his mother, and he ends up beating on his wife. You've got to forgive people. If you don't, you're going to keep it in you. And if it's kept in you as a seed, the enemy will be happy to water it until it becomes a full-grown plant in you, and you end up doing the same thing or some other similar thing as to what was done to you.
God's Instruction Is For Our Good
Listen, when God tells us to forgive and not live angry lives, he's not doing it for himself; he's doing it for us. And if you want to have the best life that God can give you, then not only do you need to forgive everything from here back, but anything that's going to happen in the future, make your mind up today: "I am not going to live angry. I am not going to be full of bitterness." James 1:19 and 20.
Does anybody need this today? Like I said, if you don't, you will. How many of you had an opportunity to get angry this morning? Look at that. My gosh, boy, is the devil working overtime. Wow. "Understand this, my beloved brethren. Let every person be quick to hear, a ready listener, slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry. For man's anger does not promote the righteousness that God desires."
Confessing God's Truth
Everybody say, "I am slow to get angry. I am slow to get angry." Say it again: "I am slow." Why don't you even just start confessing this: "It is almost impossible to make me mad." Amen. Doesn't that sound good? All right. I'm sure glad God's that way. Yeah, woo, boy. He could be having a fit a minute if he wasn't slow to anger. Psalm 103:8 and 9: "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy and loving kindness.
He will not always chide or be contending, neither will he keep his anger forever or hold a grudge." How many of you are glad this morning that God's not holding anything against you? Hallelujah! Well, guess what? We have his nature living in us. The Bible says we have the mind of Christ. The Amplified says we do hold the thoughts, intents, and purposes of his heart. Don't think that you can't act godly because you can.
Imitating God's Character
The seed of God is on the inside of us through Jesus Christ, and we're told to imitate his behavior. So if he's slow to anger and he doesn't hold grudges, no wonder he's asking us to do the same thing. He's asking us just to imitate him in our behavior in life. Psalm 145:8—I think looking at the scriptures is important: "The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and abounding in mercy and loving kindness."
Now let's look at Ephesians 4:26 and 27. One of the things that's very helpful is if you get angry or if you're having a problem letting go of something, look up and read every scripture that you can find on anger. You know why? Because this is not just black ink on white pages; there's power and life in the word of God. You know, I tell people all the time, I don't do anything fancy. I teach the word, and I believe I'm anointed to do it.
The Power of God's Word
And so why would you take your weekend? Why would you take a Friday night like last night, or some of you were here Thursday night, Friday night, and now you're back here this morning, and you've got plenty to do? Why would you do this? Because I'm not just speaking regular words, but the word of God is full of power, and it has the ability to change your life. Amen. So always, always, always when you're having trouble doing what you believe God wants you to do, run to the word.
Practical Steps for Dealing with Anger
Yes, spend time with God. Fellowship with him. Remember how much he loves you, and then let that love flow through you to other people. Verse 26: "When you are angry, do not sin. Don't ever let your wrath, your exasperation, your fury or indignation last until the sun goes down." And I made a suggestion last night that I would like to repeat today. Why don't you form a habit of when you go to bed at night, take just a few minutes before you go to sleep and kind of, you know, not go on some digging expedition under condemnation, but just ask yourself, "Now, am I angry about anything? Am I mad at anybody?" And deal with those things and work through it until you can say to the Lord, "I'm happy to say that by your grace and mercy, I'm not angry at anybody," and now I can go to sleep.
You know what? If you go to bed angry, you're going to wake up angry. There are people in here today that went to bed mad last night, and you're thinking, "Oh, man, did you have to talk about that?" But here's one of the important things: "Leave no such room or foothold for the devil. Give no opportunity to him." So once again, God is saying when you do that, you open up a door for the devil. Don't give him that kind of an opportunity.
Do Not Grieve the Holy Spirit
Verse 30: "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit." Do not offend or vex or sadden him by whom you were sealed and branded as God's own, secured for the day of redemption of final deliverance through Christ from evil and the consequences of sin. When I think about grieving the Holy Spirit, it even grieves me to think that I might grieve the Holy Spirit. Our relationship with God is so precious, and the Holy Spirit comes to live in us to bring us the presence of God.
It's the most precious treasure that we have, this being the home of God, the Holy Spirit living in us. And the Bible says, "Don't grieve the Holy Spirit." Well, let's just don't overly spiritualize that. Let's look at what does grieve the Holy Spirit. The very next verse—we cannot separate it from verse 30—says, "Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath, passion, rage, bad temper, resentment, anger, animosity, quarreling, brawling, clamor, contention, slander, evil speaking."
I mean, he's not leaving out any of the anger words. He's like, whatever kind of label you want to put on this, let it be banished from you. Don't grieve the Holy Spirit by letting those things get lodged on the inside of you. Now, do you know that even God operates in self-control? That might sound a little odd, but let's look at Psalm 78:38-39.
God's Example of Self-Control
"But he, full of merciful compassion, forgave their iniquity and destroyed them not. Yes, many a time he turned his anger away and did not stir up his wrath and indignation. For he earnestly remembered that they were but flesh, a wind that goes and does not return." So when God feels anger about something that we've done that's very unwise or very wrong, it says he doesn't—I mean, I think this would be the translation—he doesn't just think about what we've done and keep stirring up anger.
And you know, if you get angry about something, how many of you know the more you think about it, the more you stir it up? The more you think about it, the more you talk about it, the angrier you become. Same thing happens to me. So I love what the Bible says here. Instead of stirring up wrath, he remembers that they are but dust. So one of the best things that we can do when somebody makes us mad is to right away say, "I make mistakes too. We all have weaknesses. We all make mistakes. I know I've hurt other people."
Roots of Anger: Family Background
You know, if you're going to be in relationship with a person, any person, you have to get ready to not always be treated the way you would like to be treated. Let's just talk about five roots of anger. Where does it come from? Were you born angry? No. Doesn't take long. You know, angry people, first of all, may come from angry families. If you live in an angry house, which I did—how many of you grew up in an angry household? Okay.
Well, most people who grow up in an angry household, they either try to get stronger than the angry people, or they cower down under it and just let them control them. In an angry household, everybody deals with everything with anger. If you want something you're not getting, get angry. If you're potty training the little boy and he doesn't go where he's supposed to, get angry. If the television stops working, get angry. Everything is anger, anger, anger, anger.
Carrying the Problem With Us
And that's the way my dad lived his life: angry, angry, angry, angry, angry. And then my mother was the other extreme of never dealing with anything. So I had it from both angles. And I left home when I was 18, and this is important for you to hear, thinking that I was now free. "Boy, I am getting out of here when I'm 18, and I will be free. It will be over." Well, see, I spent another I don't know how many years having all kinds of personality problems and manifesting all kinds of wrong, junky behavior.
Some of it the same kind of behavior that my father had manifested. And not having—I thought it was everybody else. "Well, I wouldn't be angry if you would do what I wanted you to. I wouldn't be angry if you paid more attention to me. I wouldn't be angry if you paid me more on my job." And come on, if that's where you're at today, you're blaming your anger on somebody else. That kind of anger is just a sneaky way to not take responsibility for your behavior.
The Freedom God Offers
See, God offers us a life filled with the power of the Holy Spirit where no matter what somebody does, you can trust him to deal with it, and you can stay happy while he's doing it. Is that not a great deal? Wow. And I tell you what, it was years and years before I realized that although I left the problem, I took the problem with me, etched in my soul. It was in all my thinking. It was in my will. It was in my emotions. It was in how I dealt with relationships. It was in the way I talked.
And so until we let Jesus deal with what's going on inside of us, we never really have the freedom that he wants us to have. But you know what? He is the healer of the brokenhearted. Actually, I want us to go look at those scriptures because abuse of any kind can cause deep-rooted, repressed anger. Just angry about the way you've been treated in life. You're angry about the love you didn't get, angry about the things that people said, angry about the things that people didn't say.
Healing for the Brokenhearted
You may even be in a situation in your marriage where you're angry that you feel like everybody else in the family takes advantage of you, and all they ever do is want you to do something for them, but they never think about doing something for you. And I'm getting a little action out there now, aren't I? Oh, yeah. Amen. Well, that's next on my list, but let me finish this one. Don't spend another day of your life giving up your joy because somebody else doesn't do what they should be doing.
"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and the afflicted." Jesus was sent for people that are hurting. "He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted." Isn't that wonderful? "To proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound." So you know what I'm doing today? I'm telling you the prison doors are already open, and hopefully the word that I'm speaking is opening your eyes to the fact that the doors are open. Amen. Amen.
A Message We Need Regularly
If you want to know the truth, I think that a message like this, or any version of it, is probably one of the top 10 messages that we need to hear on some kind of a semi-regular basis because it is so easy. Now listen to what I'm going to say: it is so easy to feel justified in our anger, and yet there is no justification for it because God does not stay angry. He forgives, and so he gives us the ability to do the same thing, but it's a choice that we have to make. It is a choice.
God's Vengeance and Comfort
Verse two: "He sent me to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of his favor] and the day"—I love this—"of the vengeance of our God." So I'm here to tell you today that God will vindicate you. And he is here "to comfort all who mourn." There's a supernatural comfort today for those of you that are brokenhearted. Wow. God can get to places that no person can get to. Amen. You're going to feel better just because you were here today.
You are going to feel better just because you were here. You will. You're going to have a better week because you took time to come here this weekend. I don't care even if you think, "Well, you know, I'm not an angry person. You know, my husband's not an angry person." But that doesn't mean he doesn't need to hear this. Just because you're not a violent, angry person—I mean, if you don't need anything I say, just enjoy the atmosphere. Just soak up the anointing. If you don't have a problem now, you're getting insurance for the future.
Beauty for Ashes
He gives us an exchange. He comes "to grant consolation and joy to those who mourn in Zion." Now watch this: "To give them beauty instead of ashes." I love it. One of my first books that I wrote was entitled Beauty for Ashes. But you know what? You can't have the beauty and keep the ashes. That's one of the biggest mistakes that we make. "Well, I'm going to hang on to these ashes in case I want to have a pity day. I'm going to hang on to these ashes in case I feel like spending today angry. But, Lord, I'd like to have the beauty too."
No, it's a divine exchange. You give him all the junk that you've got, and he gives you all the glory that he's got. You release it, and you let it go. Beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit. Who would not want to come to the cross and meet Jesus and get in on this kind of divine exchange? Amen. "That they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified."
Double Recompense
Look at verse seven: "Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a two-fold recompense or, to put it plainly, a double reward." Hallelujah! I'll tell you what: I had a really bad childhood, but I am just having a great time now. I mean, I could have been bitter and wasted my whole life and probably been married seven or eight times because nobody could have put up with me more than a few weeks.
And Dave has been married to 20 different women in the 48 years we've been married because I just keep changing and keep changing and keep changing and keep changing. I mean, he gets a surprise about every two or three months. It's funny now because Dave hugs me—I mean, he's very affectionate—he hugs me every morning, and he'll say, "Oh, how's my sweetie pie this morning?" And I think, "I would have never thought 40 years ago that anybody would have ever sincerely thought I was sweet."
From Hardness to Healing
I mean, I just had a hardness in my soul because of what was done to me. I mean, it's tough when your father's abusing you and your mother won't rescue you. That's like, what's left? And many of you have been through even many worse things than that. But even if it wasn't something as terrible as that, people are not created to be used and abused and hurt. They're created for love and kindness and help and mercy and goodness.
And you can see exactly what the devil wants. He wants to hurt you so you will spend your life hurting everybody else that you come around, so then they will get angry and hurt everybody else that they're around. And that's exactly what we have going on in the world today. Come on, we are living in a violent society, and we have to be determined as the church that we are going to be a bright, shining light and not be that way.
Claiming God's Promise
"I will give you a double recompense for your former trouble." And verse 8 says, "For I the Lord love justice. I the Lord love justice." Look at—look at the end of verse 7. It says, "I will—" let's just read the whole thing. "Instead of your former shame you'll have a two-fold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach your people shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land—" not when they die and go to heaven— "in their land they shall possess double what they forfeited and everlasting joy shall be theirs."
But we've got to rewind for a minute and go back to giving up the ashes. See, we can't just take the promise part. Are you willing to give up your ashes today and every day of your life? The third root of anger can be unmet needs. You know, we all have legitimate needs, and we have a right to expect them to be met. Some of the needs that we have is rest, laughter, encouragement, appreciation, the freedom to be yourself.
The Need for Freedom
Lord have mercy, that's something Dave gives me, and I love it. I mean, I am a little bit feisty, but he likes it. I mean, he'll say sometimes if I get a little bit, you know, maybe out on the edge, he'll say, "Oh, there's that old fire I married before." And you know why I think God gives him the grace to do that? Because God knows what I went through, just like he knows what you went through. And God knows that you're doing your best and that you're growing, and you may not have arrived, but you're on your way.
And I believe that God will cover you and give you grace with people as long as you're pressing into him. Unmet needs: you have a right to enjoy things, and you have a right to make choices and not to be controlled. Now here's the problem, though. A lot of people don't get their needs met in their relationships, whether you got into a relationship you shouldn't have been in to start with. Just saying, desperate people do desperate things.
Desperation and Fear
I was desperate when I was 18. I married the first guy that showed me any attention at all because I was afraid nobody would ever want me. And I knew when I did it, it was going to be a nightmare. And sure enough, it was another five-year nightmare on top of the 18-year nightmare I'd already had. Desperate people do desperate things. And if you've already done something desperate, then we're going to pray for God to help you. But if you are on the verge of doing something desperate, we're going to pray for you to hear what the Spirit of the Lord is saying to you today. Don't do it. Fear is the root cause of a lot of anger. Number four: fear.
The Story of Eliab and David
Let's go to First Samuel 17. Let me show you just one man's story, and you'll get it. First Samuel 17:28. All the men of the army of Israel were running, frightened because of Goliath. Nobody would face him; nobody would confront him. David, the little shepherd boy who nobody really seemed to respect that much, sure had a mighty relationship with God. And so he thought maybe he could do something about Goliath. It's amazing when you hang out with God, you get quite bold and courageous.
But he had older brothers that were some of the ones that weren't doing anything about Goliath. And so in verse 28 it says, "Now Eliab his elder brother heard what he said to the men, and Eliab's anger was kindled against David. And he said to him, 'Why did you come down here? With whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness?'" Right away he's trying to belittle him and make him feel like he's unimportant. "'I know your presumption and the evilness of your heart, for you have only come down here that you might see the battle.'"
Dealing with Mistreatment
And verse 29: "And David said, 'What have I done now?'" So you know what that tells me? David was used to this kind of treatment. Come on, maybe you grew up in a family where you were not the favorite sibling or the favored child. You didn't get the best grades, or there were things that other siblings got attention for that you couldn't do, and you didn't get that. Well, you can spend your life now hating them because they didn't treat you right, or you can turn your attention to God and know that true promotion comes from him.
And if you give up the ashes, he can give you double blessing for your former trouble. Oh, I like this merciful day. First Samuel 18:6: "As they were coming home, when David returned from killing the Philistines"—well now he's working with Saul; he's in Saul's army—"and they were returning from a battle, and the women came out of the Israelite town singing and dancing to meet King Saul with timbrel, songs of joy, and instruments of music."
The Peril of Insecurity and Jealousy
"And the women responded as they laughed and frolicked, saying, 'Saul has slain his thousands, but David his ten thousands.'" Now let me tell you, you would have had to been one really secure king for that not to bother you. And actually, God wants us to have that kind of security. He doesn't want us to have to feel like that we've got to dislike somebody else because they seem to be liked a little bit more than we are. Come on, look at me.
You don't have to live in competition with anybody. Have your own life. Have your own relationship with God. Let God do what he wants to do with you without comparing yourself with anybody else. Verse eight: "And Saul was very"—what's our word today?—"angry. And Saul was very angry for the saying displeased him." He didn't like the song. "And he said, 'Well, you've given to David ten thousand, and to me only a thousand. What more now can he have but the kingdom?' And Saul jealously eyed David from that day forward.
God's Protection and Vindication
"And the next day an evil spirit from God came mightily on Saul, and he raved madly in the house." Verse 11: "And Saul cast the javelin, for he thought, 'I will pin David to the wall.' And David evaded him twice." Here's the thing: if you keep a good heart, I don't care who tries to come after you, they will not be able to hurt you. God will deliver you every time. And I'm not saying it won't hurt; I'm not saying it won't be challenging, but God is our deliverer.
However, let's rewind. You've got to give up the ashes, and the ashes represent the bitterness. I mean, you know, David could have been like, "Well, he could have been mad at God. What? You stick me in this house with this crazy king, and he's going to throw spears at me all day?" But you know what I noticed with David? Saul threw spears at him for years, but David never threw spears back. Come on. Come on. There's more there than you're getting. Amen.
David's Response to Attack
The important thing is not whether your soul is throwing spears at you, but whether you're throwing spears back. And you know the story. I mean, Saul tried to kill David for years and years and years, and God just kept protecting him, kept protecting him, kept protecting him. I mean, David would not touch the Lord's anointed. He wouldn't talk about him badly. He wouldn't come against him. He had opportunity to kill him; he wouldn't do it. He put himself in God's hands, and God exalted him to the throne, and he became one of the greatest kings. Do you want to be angry or great? All right.
The Fifth Root: Feeling Controlled
The last—the fifth root of anger—is feeling like you're being controlled. Boy, does that make people mad. I mean, my dad controlled everything, and you know, of course, you can imagine what that was like for me 'cause I had a strong personality anyway. And people that are strong in personality really can't stand to be controlled. And I mean, he controlled everything: what you watched on TV, what you didn't, what time you went to bed, what time you got up. I mean, everything. He controlled it.
Well, if you have somebody controlling you, it is wrong. It is wicked. It is evil. But if you won't confront them, it's just as wrong. Right? To be honest with you, there are people that will treat you good even if you don't insist that they do, but the biggest majority of people, and sadly even Christian people, they'll probably give you whatever you'll put up with. If you say yes all the time and you never say no, then all of a sudden you say no, if they're used to hearing yes all the time, it's probably going to make them mad.
The Need for Confrontation
See, God finally told me I had to go confront my dad. Man, I didn't want to do that. I mean, I'd been gone from the house for years, and the subject had never been talked about. Everybody hid from it. Everybody ignored it. Man, I didn't want to do it 'cause I still had fear of him. And when the time came, God said it's time. I went, and I shook so hard through the whole thing that it was pathetic. But I just told him, I said, "We have to talk about this. You were wrong in what you did to me. It was wrong."
And he tried to make a bunch of silly excuses. I said, "No, you were wrong. You controlled me with fear, and it was wrong." And there wasn't a whole lot more to it than that, but there was a breakthrough for me and a freedom for me in finally confronting the situation. Now I'm not trying to tell you what you need to do, but let me just tell you: don't let people manipulate you and control you and use you and abuse you.
Your Value and Worth in God
You know why? You are valuable. You have got worth and value. God loves you. He's created you for a good purpose. He wants you to have a good life. And the devil will always try to provide somebody that's going to try to take that away from you. And you have a God-given right, through the power of the Holy Spirit and the leadership of the Holy Spirit, at the right time, you need to stand up for yourself and confront and say no. And that is not not trusting God; that's being led by the Holy Spirit. Amen. So don't spend your life angry. Don't go around with a bunch of hidden, repressed anger, taking things out on everybody that you come around. It's time to let go of your box. Amen.