Joyce Meyer - Marriage (08/18/2019)
This sermon focuses on building a healthy marriage by managing expectations, prioritizing giving over getting, and maintaining peace. Drawing from 50 years of marriage, the speaker emphasizes that joy is a personal responsibility, advises against trying to change your spouse, and encourages focusing on their positive qualities while committing to the relationship through God's guidance.
Managing Expectations in Marriage
Well, thank you for joining us today. I hope that you enjoy your time with us. We're going to be talking about marriage and relationships, and basically the marriage relationship. And you know, some of you may not be married, but to be honest, even if you're not married, sometimes the best time to get teaching on marriage is before you get married. Because a lot of times people don't think about that, and then they have all these problems that maybe could have been avoided if they would have done a little more studying before they got into the relationship. And so, I guess I'd like to just open with this statement. Relationships can be very challenging. Can anybody say amen? Amen.
And especially the marriage relationship can be challenging because you're with that person all the time. And going to lunch with a friend is quite different than being married to somebody for 50 years. And Dave and I have been married 50 years. And I can say that during that period of time, God has changed me a lot. And it's probably a good thing because if I wouldn't have let him do that, I probably wouldn't still be married today. And so, I want to start out by talking to you about what are your expectations when you get married. If you're not married yet, what is it that you're expecting? Or if you are married, what do you expect from the person that you're married to? I think one of the things in our lives that gives us a lot of problems is just having unrealistic expectations.
The Illusion of Constant Happiness
You know, when you're expecting somebody to give you something they don't know how to give you or to maybe understand something about you that they could not possibly understand. Especially if you're expecting somebody to make you happy all the time. And I do think a lot of people, when they get married, they get married with the idea that now you're going to make me happy all the time. And first of all, you know, some of the things that you feel when you're dating somebody is totally different than the way you feel, you know, after you've been married for a while. And so, there's a lot of excitement and goosebumps and all those things, you know.
It's almost like, you know, the chase is different than when you actually get what you want. For example, I didn't know when I married Dave that he played golf. I didn't even know that. And of course, you've heard all my golf stories, my funny stories. I mean, I didn't know that he was as crazy about sports as he is. You know, those were not... He wasn't focusing on that. At that time, he was focusing on me. I was like the only, the most important thing in his life. However, we'd been married about a week when he told me that he was going to go out and hit shag balls, which that happens to be what guys that are serious about golf do to practice.
Well, his whole family was coming over to see our new little apartment. And because of the way I was raised, I wasn't really comfortable with the whole family situation anyway. And so, I couldn't believe that he was going to go out and hit shag balls and leave me there to do all this work by myself. Thus, we had our first argument over golf. And it certainly was not the last, but it was the first. And I just think it's interesting, as much as he loves all kinds of sports and especially golf, that we got married and I didn't even know that he played golf.
Joy is Your Own Responsibility
So, just trust me when I say you are going to find out some things after you're married that you did not know before you got married. And that doesn't mean they're all bad. You'll find out a lot of good things, too. But do as much as you can to get to know as much as you possibly can about the person that you're going to marry before you get married. So, what are you expecting from your relationships? This works also with friendship, but we're going to talk mainly about marriage today. What are you expecting? Are you expecting this other person to keep you happy all the time? Well, you know, it was a great day for me and I'm sure for Dave when God spoke to my heart and instructed me that I was to stop giving Dave the responsibility of keeping me happy. He said, your joy is your own responsibility. It's not somebody else's responsibility.
And I do think in relationships that we really think this other person is supposed to keep us happy all the time. They're supposed to make us feel good about ourselves all the time. But to be honest, if you don't already have a sense of confidence, if you don't already feel good about yourself, then there's no human being in your life that is ever going to be successful at making you feel good about yourself all the time. And I can tell you, it wears people out. Being married to somebody that is extremely insecure can just absolutely wear people out. Because if you don't feel good about yourself, if you don't have a sense of God's love and who you are in Him, and if you don't know how to be an individual, then you're constantly looking for somebody else to make you feel good, to make you feel successful, to make you feel confident, to make you feel secure.
The Expectation of Constant Understanding
And it's like you're expecting something that they're not going to give you. Because to be honest, no matter who you marry... Now, I know this is going to be shocking, but I have to say this. They are not going to be focused on you all the time. Isn't that surprising? They don't have you on their mind all the time. They're not going to be focused on you all the time. But when a person is... really lacks confidence, like for example, if a woman is insecure and she makes a new meal, if the man, the kids, whatever, don't rave about how good it is, she's going to automatically assume that it's not good and they didn't like it.
You know, where a person who has confidence may taste it and say, this is really great. And they don't necessarily have to have somebody else confirming to them all the time that everything they do is good. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't compliment each other. But if you have to have that, then it's kind of equivalent to a drug addict needing a fix. It's like you constantly expect somebody else to fix you, to keep you fixed all the time. And it just wears them absolutely out. So, are you expecting the person that you're married to to always be there for you when you're hurting? To always understand what you're going through? Let me tell you something. There's only one person that can ever understand any of us, and that's Jesus.
And I am grateful that the Bible says that we have a high priest who understands. It goes on to talk about our weaknesses and our infirmities. But he understands each of us in our own little brand of weirdness. And trust me, we all have a certain amount of that. And so, I guess one of the things that Dave and I had a number of arguments over, over the years, was I wanted, no matter what I told him I was going through, I wanted him to sit and listen to every single solitary word, and I wanted him to understand. But he didn't. And most of us know very few men understand women anyway. I mean, women don't even understand themselves.
And so, you know, but you can at least go to another woman and say, my hormones are all off today. And they get it. It's like, oh man, I know how you feel. Well, you tell a man that, and he just thinks, you're what? What is that? You know? And so, I've told Dave, and over the years it's become a joke, I said, even if you don't understand, please tell me that you do. Because it's going to make the rest of the day go good. And so now, it's like a joke. No matter what I tell him, he'll say, I understand. And I'm like, no you don't, but it sounds good anyway. And so, I mean, don't you think that a lot of times that's... We want to be understood. We want to feel like that people really understand what we're going through. But to be honest, I mean, I was even talking to somebody this morning. I'm like, you know, I never, ever, ever was bothered with seasonal allergies until about three years ago. Well, when people told me they were suffering with allergies, it just went right over my head, you know? But now, I get it because I have it. And so, you really can't totally understand what anybody else is going through if it's not what you go through. Amen?
The Mindset of Giving, Not Getting
So, the next thing I want to say is always enter relationships, and every relationship with the idea of giving rather than getting. And the thing is, is our mindset, the direction we set our mind in, has so much to do with the way things turn out in our life. I'll give you an example. I said to Dave, I know a year or two ago, I said, because I know how much, you know, he enjoys playing golf. And, you know, Dave is very healthy, and so that's all good. But I said, how do you think you would be if you ever, for some reason, got to the point where you couldn't play golf? And I thought the answer he gave me really describes my husband very well.
He said, well, I've actually already thought about that, and I've set my mind that even if that happens, I can still be just as happy as I am right now. And see, we all need to have this mindset that my joy is not dependent on how you act, because if it is, now I'm co-dependent on your behavior. And so we're easily controlled by whatever's going on around us because, to be honest, we have no control over how somebody else is going to act all the time. I can't control how... I mean, thankfully, Dave is very stable, and so that's been an extreme blessing to me in my life because I grew up around people that weren't stable.
But if I was married to somebody that maybe had more ups and downs, you know, then I would have to make my mind up, first of all, it's not my fault, because a lot of times if people around you aren't happy, then you take the responsibility of fixing them, and boy, that's another whole nightmare all on its own. And so I just had to learn that I can't give somebody else the responsibility for my joy, and we need to always make sure that we know who we are enough that we're not going to be co-dependent on somebody else and take responsibility for what we need to do. Can anybody say amen or oh me?
Focus on What You Can Give
So always enter relationships with the thought of giving rather than taking, and basically, to tell you the truth, every single day of your life, every day. I did it just this morning. You know, because we all have a tendency to be focused on us. What can you do for me? How can you make me happy? How can I get you to do what I want you to do? Can we eat where I want to eat? You know, on and on and on. And so I make that a habit. I don't say that I do it every day, but I spent time this morning, and not just because I was coming in here to teach on marriage, but I purposely set my mind to be focused on what can I do for other people today. Because I've learned that if I'm focused on me, I'm not happy. And so the way we set our mind, the direction we set our mind in is very important.
So when you get married, if your mind is set and made up, that this person is supposed to keep you happy all the time, boy, you've just already signed up for a disaster. But if you set your mind, I want to give. You know, I want to make this other person happy. What can I do for them that will make them happy? And if you do that, then the very act of giving gives joy in your life. Where if we go at a relationship with, what can I get, what can I get? Then every time we don't get something, we're unhappy. And so, you know, Dave is not a man that requires a lot. He's a very stable man. He's very happy. But I don't care who you are, you like it when people give you what you want.
Learning Your Spouse's Love Language
And so it's important to learn the person that you're in relationship with and what actually are they motivated by, what blesses them. My husband loves peace. If you keep it peaceful, Dave is happy. He doesn't like arguing. He doesn't like complicated discussions. He doesn't care about getting real deep into every little feeling that somebody has and what's going on. Now, I could sit and talk about that stuff all day. But that's not him. Dave wants peace. So, I purpose to try to give him peace. And I know that Dave's love language is time. So, if he's trying to tell me something and talk to me about something, even if it doesn't interest me, I'm still learning.
And I'll say still learning because it's not my number one gift. I'm still learning to really listen and pay attention. where I love it when he does things for me. Like, he does the dishes almost every night. And I love that. So, you have to kind of stop trying to give people what you want and what you like and just be in the relationship for what I can get. But actually, the whole act of love, which we are commanded as Christians to do, is to think about what can I give you, not what can you give me. And so then, the selfish nature says, well, then what's going to happen to me? Well, then God takes care of us.
Commitment and Godly Principles
So, let me just say now, after 50 years of marriage, I can tell you, and I feel very strongly about this, I don't think the way the world is today, there's much hope of anybody getting married and staying married very long if you're not going to be committed to doing things the way that God would want you to do them. And sadly, a lot of Christians aren't. You know, just because we go to church doesn't mean that we're saying yes to God on a regular basis. And so, anybody who will commit to doing their part to do what's right before God, God will reward you, and there's a much greater chance that He will make the changes in the other person that needs to be made if you just do what's right before Him and stop trying to make that other person give you what you want.
So, interrelationships with the thought of giving, not getting. Make sure you have your mind set in the right direction. You might as well just set your mind and say, you know, I'm not going to get my way every day, and I can be happy anyway. Instead of thinking, well, if I don't get my way, then I can't be happy. Dave and I are going out to eat today after we're done here, and where I wanted to go, he didn't want to go. And where he wanted to go, I didn't want to go. And I can remember when that would have ruined my day and just, you know, I mean, that wouldn't have ruined my day, I would have ruined my day, because it's my decision whether I want to get unhappy or not. And so, you know, we just picked a place that we could both put up with. It's probably not my favorite, but you know what I have learned? There's nothing worth losing your peace over. There's nothing worth losing your peace over.
Two Keys: Peace and Perspective
And I guess if I would say anything, if I could come up with just a couple of things that have really helped me personally over the 50 years Dave and I have been married, it's being committed to peace and not making a big issue out of little things that really don't make that much difference. I mean, it's one lunch, it's one meal. I mean, if I don't get to go where I want to go, it's not really worth being upset over. And not only that, most of the time Dave will take me wherever I want to go, but today where I wanted to go is just not a restaurant that he really cares for. Well, you know, then naturally, I don't know, well, why don't you like it? I mean, the food is good. He's like, I don't like it. And so then where he wanted to go, he said, well, it's a great restaurant. How can you not like it? I said, I don't like it. And so we just finally picked a place that we could both decide to do right.
Next big mistake you can make is planning to try to change the person. Especially like if you notice some things before you get married and you're thinking, oh, I can change that. Well, I'll work on that. Well, let me tell you something. I tried every way that I could try to get Dave not to like sports. No reason other than selfishness. I didn't care about him. I didn't grow up getting to do any of that. My father never liked any kind of sports. We didn't have them on television. We didn't go to... I mean, none of that was part of our life. And so it's just not anything that I really am going to put my time into. So I didn't want him to like it, but I can tell you the truth. The more you try to get somebody not to do something, the more they're going to want to do it.
Accepting Your Spouse as God's Gift
I mean, that whole principle is found in the Bible about the law. That's why the law caused people to sin more, not less. And God did that on purpose to show people that they needed a savior. So the more you try to make somebody not do something, the more they're probably going to want to do it. And actually today, Dave loves all kinds of sports that he didn't even like when we got married. I mean, he's added things that he doesn't even play. Like now he watches tennis all the time. He doesn't play tennis. You know? He'll watch a bowling tournament on TV, and that has nothing to do with anything. But you know what? Now I'm just... It has nothing to do with anyway what I'd like him to be interested in.
But, you know, Dave is not... He's not a real aggressive man. His personality is not real aggressive. He always said, you're always ahead of God. And I said, yeah, and you're 10 miles behind him. And so here we have these two people that are married, and I'm just real aggressive. And he's not as aggressive. And so I tried to get him to be more aggressive. And I would say to him, you know, you need to be more of this, and you need to be more of that. And you know how awful it is, how it makes a person feel if you're constantly giving them messages that they're less than what you want them to be? You need to be this. You need to do that. Especially if it's not something they even know how to do.
And I'll never forget the day he said to me, he said, you better thank God that I am the way I am because if I wasn't, you sure wouldn't be doing what you're doing. And so I just want to remind you today that there's a really good possibility, no matter what you think, that the person that you married is really perfect for you. I didn't expect anybody to clap, but that's all right. You can't pressure somebody to be something that they're not. Now, you know, what we focus on is what develops more and more in our life. So if I focus on what I don't like about somebody, then pretty soon that's all I see. Amen? But if I focus on what I do like, most of the time you'll find out, no matter how bad you think your relation is, most of the time you will find out, if you focus on what you do like, there's probably a lot more that you like than what you don't like.
Focus on the Positive and Pray
I love the fact that Dave is peaceful. I love the fact that he's easy to get along with. I love the fact that he just lets me be me. If I went to Dave and said, what. .. which I've done. Like, what would you like to change about me? You know, if I could change something, what would you like me to change so you could be happier? And he said, nothing. I like you just the way you are. And so, if you had asked me that question 30 years ago, I probably had a written list already. I mean, because I can remember times when I sat down and I kind of made a list of everything that I thought Dave needed to change for me to be happy.
Well, I know that there are things... I mean, Dave couldn't possibly like everything about me. I know that because I already know what my weaknesses are and some of the things that nobody would want to put up with if that was all they focused on. And I know that there are things about Dave that I probably don't care for. But to be honest, if you ask me that now, I would have to think a really long time to come up with it. You know why? Not because it's not there, but I don't focus on it. And so if you think about like a, say a Polaroid camera, I could take a picture of anything in here today that I wanted to, depending on where I focused the camera. And then whatever I focused on would develop in my life.
And I'm telling you the truth, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. What you focus on, you focus on your problems, pretty soon you're going to think that you've got the worst life in the whole world. Because all you're going to see is your problems. But if you focus on your blessings, that gives God an opportunity then to work on the problems. And so if you're in a relationship with somebody and they do a lot of things that you don't like, pray for them. Pray about those things. And make sure when you pray that you do it with an attitude of humility. I never go and say, God, this needs to change in Dave. I'll pray more like this. Now, God, I would like this to change, but maybe it's not even the problem I think it is. It may just be my attitude.
Choosing Peace and Commitment
And so, first of all, I want you to change anything in me that needs to be changed. And if this is something that needs to change in Dave, then I'm asking you to change it and to help me focus on all the good things, not on the things that are an issue. And so, if I would tell you two things that I think has probably helped me in my marriage with Dave more than anything. It's number one, to focus on the good things and not focus on everything that I think is wrong. To accept him the way he is and believe that God has given me the right man for me. And I know that now. I didn't know that in the very beginning. And then the other thing that helps me, oh, this helps me so much, is I am committed to peace. I mean, I'm really committed to peace.
Now, I'm not going to just let somebody walk all over me to have peace. I'm not going to not confront things that I feel need to be confronted. But I'd like to leave you with this thought. This came to me this morning. The next time that you think you want to talk to somebody about something that you think is wrong with them, before you do it, pray, and ask God if it's something that he really wants you to talk to them about. Most of the time, he's going to tell you to deal with your own self and leave them alone. Now, there are times that we need to communicate with people about things that they're doing or not doing that, you know, maybe need to change just out of respect for proper kind of relationship.
The Power of a God-Centered Commitment
But even then, I don't think you ever should just go talk to somebody because you want to talk to them. Or that you should just, we're going to talk about this right now. You know, it doesn't matter to me if you just got home from work and you're sweaty and tired and had a rough day and been in traffic for three hours. We're going to talk about this right now. Well, you're not going to get a good answer. So, if you do need to talk about something, the best thing to do is to pray about the right timing, pray if it's something you really should talk about, and if it is, then do it with an attitude of humility, and then God can get involved and do what needs to be done.
Here's the bottom line. What sense does it make to be in relationships with somebody that you have a sour attitude about, that you have all these negative thoughts about, that you're miserable with? There's no point in spending day after day after day like that. And there's ways that we can change it. Let me just say this. I believe that because of our relationship with God, we're a powerful people. We're not powerless people, we are powerful people. And a powerful person doesn't give somebody else the responsibility for making them feel secure and making them happy all the time. You can receive the power of Jesus into your life at any given time to do what He's asking you to do and not have to just do what you feel like doing.
So, let's be committed to having good marriages. Don't ever have this attitude, well, if this continues, I'm out of here. Because you've already got your mind set in the wrong direction, and you're waiting for this person to do one more thing that aggravates you, so you can then have an excuse to leave. What you need to say is, I'm committed to this. There's no way that I would leave unless God Himself told me to leave. I'm going to do what I believe God wants me to do, because when our time here on earth is over, I'm only going to answer to God, and I'm only going to answer for me. So, if I do what's right, then God will take care of the rest of it.