Josh Howerton - Six Lies About Forgiveness

Lord Jesus, we want a blizzard, but we will take two inches. Amen. I want some snow, guys. I just need you to know—listen, I’m 37 years old, but whenever snow is a possibility, I’m six. And so, hey, if you’re new with us, welcome! My name’s Josh; I’m the senior pastor of our church. And hey, you picked a really good day to be here.

Um, we’re starting a new series this week that we’re just calling «Let’s Talk About It.» Let’s Talk About It! And let me explain where this series is coming from. There is one pandemic that everybody’s been talking about for the last year. You can’t go anywhere without hearing somebody talk about the virus pandemic that is plaguing not just our nation, but the world really, for the last year. And that’s awesome, and it’s not awesome. But I’m acknowledging the reality. Let me—there we go—it’s really important. Nothing you’ll ever hear me say is going to downplay the reality of the virus pandemic that’s here.

But there’s another pandemic that I’m calling like the silent pandemic, the one that nobody’s talking about. It’s the mental health pandemic that’s taking place in our nation right now. I’ve shared stats about this more extensively; let me just remind you of two just to put this in perspective. Not only right now are suicide rates up 166% in some states in our country, but in a normal year, one out of every five people you meet is suffering from a severe mental health crisis.

Now, what I mean by that is in a normal year, one out of every five people has, you know, deep depression, crippling anxiety, suicidal ideation—something like that. Okay? This year, during the virus pandemic and the isolation caused by the lockdown, it hasn’t been one out of every five; it’s been one out of every two. One out of every two people who are watching. One out of every two people you love. One out of every two members of our church. One out of every two people in your life group. Half of the people that you love are experiencing the mental health crisis of their life.

And so, here’s what we want to do during this series: we want to talk about the pandemic that nobody’s talking about—the mental health pandemic. So let’s talk about it. During the next few weeks, let me just tell you where we’re going. We’re going to talk about, in a very open, biblically informed, practically helpful way, these things: we’re going to talk about addiction, depression, anxiety, isolation, and marriage.

Now, by the way, this should say marriage problems instead of marriage—we don’t want to make it sound like a marriage fits in with depression, anxiety, isolation—different categories. But we just want to help you. That’s what Lake Point Church—we exist to help you. We want to step into the darkness of the pandemic that nobody’s talking about. So again, we want to do so in a biblically informed but practically helpful way.

So let me just say something you’re going to hear throughout this series. You know, as a church, we take our calling to help people struggling with these things so seriously that we’ve got programs, ministries—we’ve got counseling—all this stuff led by trained professionals in and throughout our church. People who are on the other side of these things that exist to help you. And so, at any point during this series, if you realize, like, «Man, I think I need to reach out to somebody for specific help,» I want you to do this: you can text the word «HEAL» to the number 20411. Text the word «HEAL» to the number 20411, and we’re going to get you information about all of these things that exist to help you get out of this dark spot that you’re in.

Now, there’s something I’m really proud of, and let me just kind of get this out here. In addition to those ministries to help with addiction and emotional issues like anxiety and depression, we’ve got ministries specifically designed to help people with marriage trauma—like where it seems like «this doesn’t seem salvageable.» It is. And we’ve got ministries to help with that. In addition to that, Lake Point Church also has a professional counseling center with a staff of trained counselors. Now, you may hear that and go, «Oh, but I could never afford that.» Listen to me: we will work with you. Here’s what I’m really proud to say: because of the generosity of the people of Lake Point Church, we have already prepared to say yes to every single person that reaches out for help. Every single person. So listen to me: one, you’re not alone. And two, it doesn’t have to stay this way. That’s why we’re here.

And so we want to take the next few weeks and help you and help you help the people around you who are struggling with a mental health issue. Now the one we’re hitting today is we want to talk about how to get free from the trap of offense or the trap of holding on to hurt. And can we just acknowledge something really quick? The reason we’re talking about this: does anybody else feel like 2020 was the year of everyone being offended all the time? That’s what I feel like. 2021, the year of everybody being offended all the time. And if you think about it, like, the year was set up perfectly for this.

Let me say it another way: has there ever been another year of your life where there was a global viral pandemic that caused an economic meltdown during which there was social unrest and riots happening all throughout the country, and then, you know, stay-at-home lockdowns happened—which means all of your vacation plans, everything got canceled, your kids came home, you became a homeschool mom, you’re working from home—you’re there all the time—and on top of that, it’s like you couldn’t make this up? And on top of that, in a year where the Cowboys were supposed to be a Super Bowl contender, they missed the playoffs. Like, all of that happened in one year. And then, to top it all off, every single day you could log onto social media and see all of your friends' idiotic responses to everything. It was just—there’s no year in my entire life where it was just easier, with more opportunity to just be offended and hurt. And on top of that, you know, that’s on top of all the normal stuff.

Okay? There’s opportunity for normal offense all the time. Husbands, have you ever had the situation where you slide into bed next to your beautiful wife at night, and all of a sudden, an idea pops into your head, and you roll over, and you may give her «the look,» whatever your look is? No, whatever your look is. You may even say something smooth like «How you doing?» Right? And then she just rolls over or ignores you like nothing happened. There’s always an opportunity for offense. Wives, not that I would ever do this, but wives, have you ever had your husband promise he would do something around the house, and six months later, it has not happened? Opportunity for offense. Singles, have you ever had somebody say something like this: «Yeah, why don’t you have a boyfriend?» And what you want to say is, «Because I’m passing up all the ignorant people like you.» There’s always an opportunity for offense.

This is a true story: this week, let me just get through this, and I’ll get to the actual message. This week, I’m preparing this message on biblical forgiveness and all that stuff. And on Tuesday—or earlier this week sometime—there was obviously a lot of political unrest in our nation. And I just kind of posted on social media something about us being peacemakers and the adults in the room and, you know, all this stuff. Most people were really supportive. Now, here’s what you got to know: for some reason that has never made sense to me, people feel an amazing freedom to say really rude and vile things to pastors. I don’t know where it comes from, but it’s a thing. Most of the time, it’s not a big deal because, you know, they don’t see what I see, and I kind of get it. This week, however, I posted that, and there was this comment that I received almost immediately afterward responding to my post. This person just said in response to my post, «One of the many reasons why people are fleeing Lake Point.»

Now let me pause here: we were the seventh fastest-growing church in America this year, so we’re not doing too bad. But this is what this person said: «Weak pastor with sugary sermons that don’t teach the congregation anything but to feel good about themselves.» Now, let’s add zero political knowledge or wisdom. I’ll be honest: I wanted to reach through the screen and choke slam that guy. I mean, like, listen, y’all, I was sitting there; I wrote out like 10 or 15 different possible responses. I clicked on his profile and tried to figure out where he lived; I learned some things about him that would have been really juicy to put in my response. I mean, I had some great ideas. I thought about not blocking out his identity when I put this on the screen so that all of you would go find him and dogpile after, you know, the message, and I wouldn’t even look like the bad guy 'cause all I did was just post his, you know, his thing. All this, by the way, I have deleted this comment so that you won’t dogpile. My point is, there’s always an opportunity for offense to fall into that trap.

Now, why do I use the word «trap»? Why do I use the word «trap»? It was really interesting—in Luke 17, there was one time where Jesus was teaching his disciples about how to follow Him and have their hearts transformed. And here’s what He said about this trap that comes up in our lives. Watch this: Luke 17:1. He said, «It’s impossible that no offenses should come.» You need to know this: being offended is inevitable. Living offended is a choice. Being hurt in this world is inevitable. That’s called life. Being hurt is inevitable; holding on to your hurts is a choice. And Jesus said this: He said, «It’s impossible that no"—he uses this word—"offenses should come.»

Now here’s what’s really interesting. When Jesus uses the word «offenses,» He uses a Greek word, and He uses this word every single time He talks about it. The other New Testament writers use the same word. And it’s an amazing word picture. He uses the word «scandalon.» And here’s what that word means: the bait that triggers a trap to close when an animal touches it. The bait that triggers a trap to close when an animal touches it. Now think about this: when somebody traps something or sets a trap, they have one of two goals: to either cage something or kill something. And what Jesus is saying is when somebody hurts you—whenever an offense comes into your life—that is one of Satan’s most powerful ways to either cage you or kill you spiritually—or to do both. It’s a trap.

All right, now I want to give you a visual of this. So I started thinking this week about, you know, different kinds of traps. And, you know, we have lots of different kinds of traps in our culture, and they all function the same. They’ve all got a bait, and the bait draws something in, and then it either cages or kills them. This is a basic mousetrap. Here’s why I bought this: Earlier this week, I saw a mouse in our garage, and Jana wants to sell the house now, so I had to get one of these. And so this bait goes right there, and then, you know, you just cage or kill. This is a basic ant trap. The bait’s in there, draws them in; they bring it back to the ant hill and kill all the other ants. It’s awesome. Some of you have nightmares because of this kind of trap. You guys remember this Chinese finger trap? And you’ve got a—little, you’ve got nightmares 'cause when you were in first grade, somebody was like, «Hey man, stick your finger in that side, and then stick your finger in the other side.» And then you were like, «Oh, I’m never going to be able to get out.» You know, it’s a finger trap! Could trap you!

All right, this is a fox trap, and particularly a large one, by the way. And here’s how this works: the bait goes in the back part of this, and there’s a little pressure plate in the middle so that when the fox goes in to try to take the bait, it puts pressure on the little weight plate right here, and boom! The trap cages or kills. Now all of these are traps, but here’s—there’s one particular mental image that I want you to have whenever you hear the word «trap.» When Jesus uses this word, this is a coyote trap! Now what I wanted—just to be transparent with, I wanted a big bear trap with those teeth, you know? I actually discovered this week those are illegal. And so this is a coyote trap. Here’s how this works: the bait goes on top of that little pressure sensor. So when a coyote comes and it starts trying to paw to take the bait, it presses down on this little weight plate in the middle and snap! The trap closes around its foot, breaking its leg, so that now that coyote is trapped in the trap, still alive, and it can’t move or go anywhere.

Now why is this the picture Jesus gives when He talks about hurt or offense? Okay, now I want you to think about this, guys. Think about the genius of Jesus here. Jesus is saying that—watch this—when somebody gets stuck in a trap, here’s what happens: they want to move forward, but they can’t because they’re stuck back here. They want to move forward, but they’re stuck back here. Listen, God has a plan for your future, but bitterness freezes you in the past. Here—here’s how your soul works, okay, with hurt: if we don’t get it out in forgiveness, we will act it out in bitterness. And until we forgive—this is a spiritual law—until you forgive, you get frozen in time and spend the rest of your life reacting to something that happened long ago.

Don’t believe me? Have you ever met somebody that when you start talking about God or what God’s done in your life—church, anything like that, anything spiritual—there’s an anger that rises up within them? And then they say something like this: «I’ll never have anything to do with church because when I was a kid, my father shoved his religion down my throat.» And you see what happens? God has a glorious future for them, but they’re holding on to the hurt from decades ago, so they can’t move forward. Have you ever met a woman that maybe she was abused when she was very young or taken advantage of in an early relationship? And it’s kind of this mentality that like, «Man, I’ll I hate men. I’ll never trust men. I’m never going to let a man close to me in my life.» Here’s what’s happening: God may have a glorious future for that woman, but she can’t move forward into it because she’s stuck responding to something that happened long ago.

Let me do you really quick—give an example of you. If you are anything like me, and I know that you are—when somebody hurts you, when they say something unfair or they malign your character, do you ever in the car or in front of your mirror rehearse out loud what you would say to that person? Or you start having conversations with that person as if they are there in the car, out loud, saying what you wish you could say to them to put them in their place and let them know exactly what you think about them. And you know what’s happening is your body is moving forward into the future, but your soul is still stuck back there.

Guys, I need you to listen to me. Listen, here’s why this is so important: the future God has for you is too big for you to spend your whole life stuck in the past. It’s too big. Okay? Now listen, here’s why Jesus says this: Jesus' commands to forgive in the Bible—they’re not for them. Jesus didn’t give those commands for the people who wronged you. He gave those commands for you! Because, listen to me, there’s no win in bitterness. You will never ever meet someone who says this: «You know what? I’m better because I’m bitter.» You’re never going to meet that person. You’ll never meet somebody who says, «You know what, man, just to be really honest, I’m happier because I held on to that hurt.» No, no, you’re never ever going to meet that person because there’s no win in bitterness. That’s why Anne Lamott, the American novelist, said, «Unforgiveness is like you drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.» You see, it freezes you in the past and keeps you from moving forward into the life God has for you.

Now luckily, there’s a way to get out of this trap, and it’s a word the Bible calls forgiveness. Now here’s what I know: the next couple of minutes of this sermon, they’re going to be kind of heavy, so you just track with me. And some of you who have never been deeply, deeply wronged, you won’t understand the need for the next three minutes of this sermon. But for the people who were victims of abuse, for the people who had a spouse that cheated on you, for the people who had a doctor that got the diagnosis wrong, and now you don’t have a spouse 20 years later because that doctor got that diagnosis wrong 20 years ago, or for people who had somebody do a shady business deal with you, and now their lack of integrity is the reason you’ll never be able to fully retire—for people like that, as soon as I say the word «forgiveness,» there are all these emotional defense mechanisms that start rising up within you. You’re like, «Oh no, no, no.»

So let me just be really, really honest with you: there are a lot of dumb things about forgiveness that smart Christians believe. Let me blow those things up for you really quick so that you can get set free into what God actually has for you. Let me explain six things very briefly—six things forgiveness is not.

Listen to me: number one, forgiveness is not forgetting. Every now and then, you’ll hear a Christian say something like this. A well-meaning Christian will say, «Forgive and forget.» No, no. When you get deeply wounded, you’re never going to forget. And Christians love to point to that verse in Jeremiah that says, «Well, when God forgives us, He remembers our sins no more.» That’s not what that verse means, guys. God did not suddenly stop being omniscient when He forgave you. He does not actually lack the ability to remember all the wrong things you did. What that verse means is God chooses not to relate to you on the basis of your sin any longer. So listen to me: you can choose not to stew about it. You can choose not to spend the rest of your life reacting to something that happened a long time ago. You can choose not to relate to a person on the basis of their sin against you. You cannot choose not to remember what was done to you. Forgiveness is not forgetting.

Number two: forgiveness is not waiting for an apology. Some of you say, «Hey Josh, yeah, yeah, I’ll forgive when they apologize.» Let me—I love you, so let me speak to you in a really blunt, straightforward way. Some people are so arrogant, so evil, so proud, and so dull and blind, they will go to their grave never asking for an apology. And if you wait your whole life waiting to forgive them until they apologize to you—look at me, watch my body—you’re going to die with your foot still in that trap, and you’re not going to move forward into the life God has for you. Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology.

Number three: forgiveness is not ceasing to feel pain. You know, every now and then, again, a well-meaning but misguided Christian will say to somebody who confesses they’re still hurt over something somebody did to them, «Well, if it still hurts, you haven’t forgiven.» No, that’s not true! Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you failed to forgive. Have you ever noticed this? Have you ever noticed that in Revelation 21, when Christ returns at the end of all things, and He sets up His glorious, perfect kingdom at the end of the Bible, it says what Jesus is going to do is He says, «I will wipe away every tear from every eye.» Now, have you noticed that Jesus doesn’t do that until the end of all things? In other words, we’re going to be crying all the way to Jesus. That hurt will still be there. Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you failed to forgive.

Number four: forgiveness is not a one-time event. You know, here, here’s a visual analogy: when somebody deeply wounds you, the pain and emotions associated with that wound often times are like waves of an ocean. And those waves can be really, really, really big right after the offense. And what’ll happen is the longer you walk with Jesus and the more distance you get from the event, the waves may get smaller and smaller and smaller. But for some people, that pain is so deep that the waves will never completely go away.

There was a woman at my church in Nashville who confessed to me that her husband had cheated on her decades before we ever met. And she was just really honest with me. She said, «Man, sometimes my husband will be doing absolutely nothing wrong at all. He’ll be talking to a woman in a totally appropriate way in the church hallway, but just seeing him talking to another woman will bring back all those memories and those emotions of the offense that happened 30 years ago.» And she had the maturity to know in that moment, «I have to choose to forgive all over again.»

Forgiveness is not a one-time event. There’s a Korean pastor named Yonggi Cho who says it like this: «Every day I forgive so many people because I hate so many people.» You see, forgiveness is not a one-time event.

Number five: forgiveness is not trusting. Forgiveness is not trusting. So Uncle Billy abused the kids? Uncle Billy can never babysit again. Ever! Even after you’ve forgiven him, Uncle Billy can never babysit the kids ever again. Do you know why? Because forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Let me just say something again because, listen, some of you guys are wired like me. My default mode is to trust people, probably to a fault. I love lending people trust. It’s just a way I think that makes people feel loved and valued. But here’s something I’ve learned and something you’ll learn if you read the book of Proverbs in the Bible: trust should be slowly gained and quickly lost. Let me put that to you another way: trust should be gained in drops but lost in buckets. Forgiveness—just because you’ve forgiven somebody doesn’t mean you go back to trusting them just like you did before the offense happened.

Number six: forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Listen, it takes one person to forgive and it takes one person to repent. But watch this: it takes two people to reconcile. And some people, they’re never going to admit that what they did was wrong. They’re going to continue in their destructive patterns for the rest of their life. And what you’ve got to do is you’ve got to, yes, forgive them, but you don’t have the ability to fully reconcile with them because they’re still in their patterns.

Watch what the Apostle Paul said in Romans chapter 12. He just said it like this: «If it’s possible"—listen to his language—"if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everybody.» He said if it’s possible, as far as it depends on you. In other words, there are some aspects of living at peace with everyone that don’t depend on you. And if that person refuses to acknowledge what they did was wrong and change their behavior, that’s on them!

And that makes it impossible for you to live fully at peace with that person. Listen, you can forgive someone of their sin against you and set boundaries with that person based on their sin against you at the same time because some people need to be loved from a distance. George Burns said, «Happiness is having a loving, caring, close-knit family that lives in another city.» That’s what George Burns said! And some people, they’ve simply got to be loved from a distance. So forgiveness is not reconciliation.

Here’s what forgiveness is. Some of you guys hear all of that, and what you’re saying, if you’re wired honestly like my wife Jana, what you’re thinking right now—Jana’s got a really high sense of justice—and you hear that forgiveness is releasing somebody from their debt. And you hear that, and some of you are like, «Man, like, man, just release them of their debt? Like don’t take revenge? Don’t hold a grudge? Where’s the justice?» And friends, that brings us to the very heart of Christianity. That takes us right into the Holy of Holies of the entire Bible. It takes us to Calvary.

Because what you’ve got to understand is that ultimately, justice comes from Jesus. Justice comes from Jesus. If the person who sinned against you is or becomes a Christian, then justice was done for their sin when Jesus climbed up on a cross and was crucified for it. And if that person dies apart from Christ and they’re not a Christian, God will repay that person for their sin against you with an eternity in hell. But justice will be done for every single sin that’s ever committed, and it’s based on that that we forgive.

Christians, listen to me! Christians, listen! We have been forgiven far, far more than we will ever be asked to forgive another person. And so we cannot carry our crosses and our grudges at the same time. We must lay one down to pick up the other, and that’s what God has called us to do.

Now, you may hear all that and you may go, «Man, like, I just can’t get over…» There’s a picture that the Bible gives to help us understand and actually feel the justice of God. And here’s what it says: Paul says this in Romans 12. He says, «Hey, don’t take revenge.» That—that’s what forgiveness is: it’s when you release somebody from their debt, and you stop trying to exact payment from them or exact payment from their reputation for what they did to you. Paul says, «Don’t take revenge, dear friends.» Watch this language: «Leave room for God’s wrath. Leave—make space for God to get that person back. Leave room for God’s wrath, for it’s written, 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay, ' says the Lord.»

Now, I just want to point this out. That’s a promise! God gave you a promise. «It’s mine to avenge; I will repay,» God says. I love this language because here’s what Paul says: «Leave room for God’s wrath.» Let me give you the theological math here and then give you an illustration. What God is saying is, God is just, and because God is just, He won’t allow two people to punish one sin. So either you can try to pay that person back for their sin against you, or God will pay that person back for their sin against you. But God doesn’t do double teams. You can’t do both.

So God’s saying, «You get to choose. You choose. Either you try to pay that person back for what they did, or if you choose not to take revenge and you forgive that person, I promise you I’ll pay him back.» Now when it says «leave room,» I love this little mental image. There’s a mental picture that I get. Now here’s what I need. I’m going to be vulnerable for a second here. Here’s what I need: I need everyone in this room and at all of our campuses—and drop it in the chat if you’re with us online—I need you to be honest. What we say is Lake Point is a place where it’s safe to be honest, so I need you to be honest. Where are my people who, either growing up or currently—either one—have every now and then enjoyed a little WWF wrestling? Where you at? Raise them loud and proud. Where you at?

Real high! All right, man, I like you people! You’re—I bet you’re fun! All right. Now, this is fun. Now here’s what I know. I know there were a lot more hands going up at Town East and Forney than here at Rock Wall. I know that at Rock Wall, these people, «Oh, how undignified.» Rock Wall, you know? So let me—let me just do this, all right? Let me just do this. Let me get—and take this a step further. Who—I’m about to figure out who is like old school Dallas. I’m about to figure that out. Who—raise your hand really high if you know who these people are. Where are you at? Oh man, there’s a lot of you! Okay, somebody tell me, who is this? The Von Erics! The Von Erics! Her little «woo» back here! The claw! The claw! The Von Erics! That’s right! And here’s who these guys were: they were a tag team wrestling group. Tag team wrestling!

Now, do you guys know in tag team wrestling, here’s how tag team wrestling works? This is censored—you know this, you know, church! I keep the tidy whities there. And okay, so here’s how this works: in tag team wrestling, when you’re getting obliterated, what you can do is you can reach over and tag your partner. And when you tag your partner, you were getting obliterated, but when you tag them, your partner can get in the ring in place of you, and your partner can obliterate the person that was obliterating you.

When God says, «Leave room for my wrath,» do you know what God’s saying to you? He’s saying, «Hey, listen! Tag me in! Like tag me in! Like you stop trying to fight that person. You stop losing your battle with bitterness. Stop it! And God’s saying, 'If you’ll just tag me in, and you stop trying to take revenge, I promise you I’ll avenge! If you’ll let me do it, I’m better at it than you! '» That’s what God’s saying: justice will be done.

Now, listen. What I know is some of you right now, you’re like, «Okay, Josh, all that’s awesome.» Let me get that off the screen. All that’s awesome, but there is no way—like you don’t know what was done. You don’t know what I’ve lost. There’s no way that I’m ever going to be able to release that person from what they did to me. And here’s what you got to understand: forgiveness is first a decision and second a feeling. And it’s always like that.

Let me close with this. Right now, I’m reading Corrie ten Boom’s «The Hiding Place» to my girls before bed at night. Corrie— I came across this story this week. Corrie ten Boom—the Ten Boom family lived in Holland at the start of World War II. And whenever the Nazis occupied Holland, the Ten Boom family took in Jews and hid them in their homes to keep them safe from being deported to concentration camps. But the Ten Boom family was betrayed by a close friend, turned into the Nazi-occupied forces, and taken away to prisons and concentration camps. Corrie ten Boom’s father and her sister died: one in a Nazi prison and the other in Ravensbrück concentration camp. Fast forward to 1947, Corrie ten Boom has been released from Ravensbrück concentration camp, and she went back to Germany to preach the forgiveness of God to the German people.

She tells this harrowing story—a true story. «It was at a church in Munich that I saw him, a balding, heavyset man in a gray overcoat, a brown felt hat clutched between his hands. People were filing out of the basement where I had just spoken, moving along the rows of wooden chairs to the door at the rear. It was 1947, and I had come from Holland to defeated Germany with a message that God forgives. It was the truth they most needed to hear in that bitter, bombed-out land. And I gave them my favorite mental picture: when we confess our sins, I said, God casts them into the deepest ocean, gone forever. And then He puts up a sign that says, 'No fishing allowed.'

That’s when I saw him working his way forward against the others as they were leaving. One moment I saw the overcoat and a brown hat; the next moment, a blue uniform and a visored cap with its skull and crossbones. It came back with a rush-the huge room with its harsh overhead lights, the pathetic pile of dresses and shoes in the center of the floor, the shame of walking naked past this leering man. I could see my sister’s frail form ahead of me, ribs sharp beneath the parchment skin. Betsy, how thin you were!

The place was Ravensbrück, and the man who was making his way forward in the basement of that church had been my guard-one of the most cruel guards. Now he was in front of me, hand thrust out. 'A fine message, Fraulein! How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins are cast at the bottom of the sea! ' And I, who had spoken so glibly of forgiveness, fumbled in my pocketbook rather than take that hand. He would not remember me, of course. How could you remember one prisoner among those thousands of executed women? But I remembered him and the leather crop swinging from his belt. I was face to face with one of my captors, and my blood froze.

'You mentioned Ravensbrück in your talk, ' he was saying. 'I was a guard there.' But since that time, he went on, 'I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well, Fraulein.' Again the hand came out. 'Will you forgive me? '

And I stood there-I, whose sins had again and again been forgiven-and I could not forgive. Betsy had died in that place. Could he erase her slow, terrible death simply for the asking? It could not have been many seconds he stood there, hand held out, but it seemed to me as hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I ever had to do.

Did you know that the most difficult thing you may ever have to do as a Christian is forgive someone who deeply wronged you? I knew it not only as a command of God that I forgive, but also as a daily experience. Since the end of the war, I had a home in Holland for victims of Nazi brutality. Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were also able to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. But those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that. And still, I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart.

Listen, but forgiveness is not an emotion, I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. 'Jesus, help me, ' I prayed. 'I can lift my hand-I can do that much. But you must supply the feeling.' And so, wouldn’t mechanically, I stretched out my hand to the one who stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, it raced down my arm, it sprang into our joined hands, and then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes. 'I forgive you, brother! ' I cried. 'With all my heart, I forgive you! '

For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then. But even so, I realized that it was not my love-I had tried and did not have the power. It was the power of the Holy Spirit.»

Now listen: some of you, you do not have the feeling, but I’m going to ask you to lift a hand. So would you do this right now? This is what we’re getting ready to do. When somebody hurts me and I can’t seem to let it go, this is what I do. So you’re getting copycat private prayer time with Josh. This is what I do in this room and at all of our campuses. Would you stretch out clenched fists in front of you? Would you do that right now? If you’re watching online, you might be shedding some tears because of what was done to you 5, 10, 50 years ago. Stretch out your hands like this-clenched fists.

Now bow your heads and close your eyes. And in one sentence, I want you to remind God exactly what that person did to you. One sentence right now. Now I want you to open your hands and release that to God and pray this with me:

God, I release that person from their debt to me. I’m trusting that you will get the justice that’s deserved. Thank you, God, for forgiving me so much more than I am being asked to forgive this person. God, give me feelings that I don’t have as I release my bitterness. Fill my hands with love for that person. Please help me change my heart. I pray that in the name of your crucified Son, who died for my sins and every sin committed against me. Amen.