John Bevere - Why God Allowed Me to Walk through Trials
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I’m out praying one night; Lisa and I lived in an apartment here in Dallas, and there’s a field next to a construction area where no buildings had been built yet. I used to go out there and pray a lot, and one night, late at night, while I’m praying, God speaks to me so clearly. The Holy Spirit said to me, «Son, I’m going to begin to teach you how to deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me. I’m going to begin to work a work of holiness in your life.»
Now, you have to understand that this was completely foreign to me. Okay, a Catholic boy gets saved, and now he’s at a church that doesn’t talk about these things. I was so excited that I ran back to my apartment and said, «Babe, babe, God spoke to me!» She asked what He said, and I told her, «He’s going to begin to do a work of holiness in my life. So all the excesses in my life are going to go. All the excessive food I eat—because food was an idol back then, and I ate when I wasn’t even hungry—and the TV I watch, all the sports on TV—it’s going to be gone! He’s going to clean it all up.»
So, you know what happened? The next three months, I ate twice as much as I normally did. I watched twice as much TV and twice as many sports. After three months of this, I went back out to that same field; this time, it was early in the morning. I said, «God, I don’t understand this. You said you were going to make me holy, and I am like twice as fleshly!» So, the Holy Spirit spoke to me that morning and said, «Well, son, that’s because you’ve been doing it your way. Holiness is not a work of your flesh; it’s a product of My grace. Now I’m going to begin to do it My way.»
I had no idea what He was talking about, but over the next six months, I started going through trials like I had never faced before. They were not self-inflicted trials. You know what I mean? Self-inflicted trials are when you’re doing stupid things, and you say, «Oh, no, no, I’m not in a trial; you inflicted it yourself.» We’re talking about doing the right things, and all the wrong things are happening—really wrong things I’ve never faced before. I remember during this six-month time period, I was a terror to live with. I was angry at Lisa for the stupidest things, irritated by my nine-month-old son, angry with my pastor because he wasn’t recognizing me, and really upset with my friends for not giving me the sympathy I thought I deserved. I was mad at the people I worked with. I mean, it was bad.
After six months of this mess, and it was really bad, I went back out to that same field and said, «God, where is all this anger and bitterness coming from? I wasn’t even this angry and bitter before I got saved. What do I bind? What do I cast out?» That’s when the Holy Spirit said to me, «Son, you don’t cast out flesh; you crucify it.» I remember I had this 14-karat gold wedding ring that Lisa gave me for our 25th anniversary. It’s different, but you know this 14-karat yellow gold ring. He said, «Son, look at your ring. Does it look like pure gold?» I said, «Yeah, it looks like pure gold.»
Now, you have to understand, 14 karat means 14 parts out of 24 are gold, while 10 parts out of 24 are impurities: copper, zinc, nickel, and other metals. He said, «It looks like pure gold.» I said, «Yeah, it looks like pure gold.» He said, «What happens if you put it in a furnace and heat it up a couple thousand degrees?» I said, «Well, it liquefies.» He said, «Then what happens?» I said, «Well, the impurities—the lighter metals because gold’s heavier—come to the surface.» He said, «They appear, right?» I said, «Yeah, they appear.» He said, «They were in there the whole time, weren’t they?» I said, «Yeah.» He said, «But you didn’t see them, did you?» I said, «No.» He said, «You didn’t see them until it went into the furnace. All this anger and bitterness has always been in there, invisible to you but visible to Me. I have permitted you to come into the furnace of affliction so you could see these things. Now, what you do with them will determine your future. You can keep blaming your pastor, your wife, your friends, and it’ll all go right back down, and we’ll have to start this process all over, or you can own it. If you own it and repent of it, I’ll take My ladle and skim it right out of your life.» You’ve got to understand, God really respects our right to choose.
It got quiet on that one. I remember during this time, you know, Jeremiah makes a statement in Jeremiah chapter 15. He says, «Why is my pain perpetual?» I understand that statement; I lived in pain. I woke up in the mornings in pain, went to the office in pain, ate lunch in pain, came home in pain. I would live in pain, go to bed in pain, and wake up in pain again. I remember one day it got so bad that I closed the door in my office. I’ll never forget this: I just hung my head in between the corner, and my hands were just draping down like this. I said, «God, why do I hurt so bad inside? This pain is unbearable! Why do I hurt so bad?» He said, «Son, because you’re dying. There’s always pain in death. Son, do you want to know how you’re going to know when you’re dead?»
I said, «Yeah, how will I know when I’m dead?» He said, «When you don’t hurt anymore!» Because he said, «Deaf people don’t hurt; dead people don’t have any pain.» I said, «God, would You please kill me quick?» See, the time period was 1984, 1985, 1986, and you have to understand; I’ve had all these promises. Remember, I told you about the promise, the process, the promotion, right? I had all these promises, and almost all of them stated that I’d preach the gospel all over the world. I thought, «God, it’s 1984. Jesus is coming back in '88! I have got to get out there and do this.» But you know, if God had allowed me to do that, I would have destroyed a lot of lives.