John Bevere - Letting Go of Offense
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I want to welcome you to our Round Table discussion. We decided to do this to delve deeper into each of these lessons, and I have some great and knowledgeable people around me. These are individuals who have walked through offenses to help you walk through and be completely offense-free.
I’ll never forget when a senior pastor approached me at a conference and said, «I read your book, 'Bait of Satan, ' four times a year.» I laughed and said, «Oh, come on, you’re exaggerating.» He looked me in the eye and said, «I’m serious.» «You do?» I asked. He replied, «John, I read it every January, every April, every July, and every October.» Wow, I asked, «Why do you do that?» He explained, «Because I want a Teflon coating on my spirit so that offenses just fall off me.» When he said that, I thought, «Why would anyone do that?» I walked away from that conversation impressed by his brilliance, as he understood the seriousness of the topic we are discussing. This book is almost 25 years old, and we receive countless testimonies in our office from people who have been completely released.
I invited you all because I know you will help us. Let’s deal with lesson one. I touched on it briefly when I taught it, but what kept me from being free from offense for so long was my pride. I couldn’t admit that I was offended. Other things might keep people from acknowledging their offense, and I want to explore this. I hope the Holy Spirit will reveal why someone watching us right now may not be letting go of offense, as the first step—the biggest step—is admitting, «Hey, I’m offended, and I need to be free.» Do we all agree on that? So, let’s jump in, guys. What keeps someone from admitting they are offended?
I’ll piggyback off what you said about pride. I think pride is the ultimate grace blocker. If you look at James 4 and 1 Peter 5, it states that God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble. Later on in James 4, it says He will lift you up. When I think about offenses, I consider a lack of perspective. Someone can only see one thing—the one wrong, the one incident—and they fixate on that. Instead of allowing God to release His grace in their life to bring healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation, they become fixated. Life is truly about perspective. Everything in life revolves around how you perceive things.
A good friend made a statement I haven’t forgotten: if you have a one-day perspective and you go to a wedding rehearsal or reception with a table full of desserts, if you have that one-day perspective, you’re going to eat everything. If you have a three-month perspective, you’ll eat one or no desserts because you don’t want a stomach ache tomorrow; you don’t want to gain ten pounds next week, and you don’t want to compromise your health. So, you just nailed something—it’s a wrong perspective.
What else, guys?
I like to think of myself as a loving person, trying not to get offended. You are a loving person. For me, offense isn’t always obvious; it builds gradually over time, especially with the thoughts I entertain. Many times, I’ve recognized that offense arises when someone is praising a particular person. I’m rehearsing all the opposite thoughts: «Well, you’re getting upset because they’re praising someone you don’t know.» I catch myself, thinking, «Hang on, why am I feeling like this? Why am I thinking these negative thoughts about someone who has just been praised?» Offense can be very subtle for me. It’s not until someone points it out that I recognize it.
That’s true. Offense doesn’t come with a pitchfork and a tail declaring, «I’m here to destroy you.» You might see that person in public, and something happens inside you like a cringe, and you want to avoid them. For me, that’s how it happens. I find myself not wanting to go near that person, and if I know they’re going to be at an event, I don’t want to attend. It’s very subtle, and often my wife is the one who points it out.
I love my wife.
Oh, Chris, I’m the same way. When something big happens to me, sometimes it’s almost like my wife has the discernment to say, «Don’t take the bait; don’t get offended.» This big event seems significant to everyone, but for me, it’s the subtle little offenses that I pick up on. Before I know it, I’m carrying a lot of emotional baggage. An indicator for me is if I can write a book about what someone is doing wrong while only writing a couple of sentences about what I’m doing wrong; I’m probably seeing things from the wrong perspective. I think pride is the stumbling block here.
I actually wrote this down because I found a quote by C.S. Lewis, one of your favorites. He said, «True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.» When you’re consumed with thoughts like, «This is happening to me; this is being withheld from me; I deserve this,» you need to step back and ask, «Have I really died to myself, or are my thoughts consumed with what’s being withheld from me?»
Oh, I’m reveling in that statement right now. That aligns with what you said about perception being skewed. You start having irrational thoughts and creating scenarios in your mind that aren’t true. You fixate on only the evidence that supports your belief. You create these imagined scenes, and before you know it, you realize something is wrong with you.
Truth can be manipulated. Even Satan, when attempting Jesus, used the truth. He twisted it—he spun a truth in a setting where it wasn’t appropriate or applicable. So, I have to remember to be aware of my perception. Our perspective drives our emotions.
When it comes to offense, some may say, «Just ignore how you feel; how you feel is invalid.» It’s not that simple. We need to recognize that offenses hurt and are painful. But we also have the truth inside us that can transform how we view our circumstances and how we perceive how people treat us.
To piggyback on what Chris said about subtle offense, I think it’s worth mentioning that in this day and age, distraction is a significant factor. If we’re constantly putting things in front of us without taking the time to pause and reflect, we won’t give ourselves a chance to evaluate how we’re feeling. It could be a subtle offense we’re overlooking.
This is so powerful. I’ll read to you from Jeremiah 17:10 from The Message Bible: «I, God, search the heart. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.» I went through something that reminded me of this scripture. I was offended by someone I was very close to, and I had no idea. It took someone pointing it out for me to realize, «Have you really looked inside to understand why you’re reacting this way toward this person you deeply care for?» Initially, I thought they were crazy and dismissed it because I loved this person so much. I took the time to write things down, and I realized that I had buried deep offenses that were operating under the surface. As I talked about it and let it come out, I went to the person for a conversation. It was one of the most difficult offenses I dealt with, not with someone I disliked, but with someone I loved deeply.
You mentioned writing things down. Were you praying while you were doing that?
Yes, I asked the Lord to help. That scripture about searching my heart resonated with me. When a trusted friend called me out and said, «I think you need to look at this deeper,» I recognized I needed to peel back those layers. As I did, a flood of suppressed feelings emerged that needed to be dealt with.
Sometimes, writing something down helps you process it and view it objectively. In your mind, it can get convoluted with distractions, and you might move further away from faith—the belief in eternal truth. You create these elaborate scenarios that haven’t even happened. Writing things down allows you to look at them objectively and realize, «This has been supersized in my mind, but when I see it on paper, I really shouldn’t be upset about this.» It’s a great practice for anyone to help evaluate the facts of a situation.
Sometimes you have valid reasons to feel hurt. In those moments, I find it helpful to have an eternal perspective. If I attach myself to this offense, this situation, or this person, it affects everything else in my life—not just that dynamic. I might think I’m just punishing that person, but I’m actually punishing everyone I have a relationship with. When we have a broader perspective, we realize that working through something with one person can affect all our relationships, leading us to have the courage, faith, and willingness to do what Christ urged us to do.
Furthermore, pride blocks the grace of God. To recognize, «Hey, I have an offense» requires humility. As Julie mentioned, distractions can cloud our judgment and lead us to dismiss the struggles within us, saying, «I’m fine. Everything is good.» However, God orchestrates circumstances that reveal what’s within us—not to punish us, but because He loves us. These circumstances help us recognize our pride or offense.
For me, it can be subtle, but we who don’t want to be trapped in offense—and also don’t want those close to us trapped in it—need to proactively seek out relationships and give people permission to speak into our lives. They can say, «Hey, you’ve been talking about this a lot; something might be off with you.»
It’s the strongholds Jesus mentions, where out of the heart proceed matters. The word «stronghold» refers to a fortress, thick and impenetrable; it also describes a prison—places of punishment and torment. Jesus mentions that when we refuse to forgive and harbor offense, we’re turned over to torment, which happens in our soul. During the few times I’ve had to navigate significant offenses, I experienced torment. Just as you pointed out earlier, I was preoccupied with how badly I was treated, going to bed thinking about it, waking up still focused on it, and even thinking about it while driving.
The mindset you set is your default. If you set your cruise control to 70, you might pass someone going 75, but your car will eventually revert to the 70. If you keep going back to «Oh my gosh, they did this, they didn’t acknowledge me, they said that to me,» you expose yourself to the prison of torture in your soul. God wants you free from it.
There’s a compelling quote that says, «To forgive is to set a prisoner free, only to discover that the prisoner was you.»
Please say that again!
To forgive is to set a prisoner free, only to discover that the prisoner was you.
That is remarkable, and what a powerful statement to conclude this discussion on. It’s been a pleasure and an honor to sit in this circle with such great wisdom. I’m learning so much from you all. Thank you, everyone.