John Bevere - You Can't Have a Healthy, Thriving Marriage Without This
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In the Bible, it literally says that husbands are to honor their wives as the weaker vessel. Now, «weaker» does not mean she is beneath you; it only means, and I mean it only means, she cannot bench press as much as you. But then Peter goes on to say that if you don’t honor your wife, your prayers will be hindered. Now, this is amazing when you stop and think about it. I’ve seen guys before treating their wives in a way that shows they don’t consider them valuable, weighty, or precious. And I’m like, «Hmm, man. If that guy comes up to me and says, 'Hey brother, can I pray for you? ' I’d be like, 'No, no, no, Heaven’s not listening to you right now. I don’t want to waste your time.'»
But anyway, let me read it to you what I’m talking about, because it’s amazing when you listen to these words. In the same way, in other words, he’s just talked about how wives are to honor their husbands. In the same way, you husbands must—I love the word «must"—give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. Okay, she may be weaker than you are. Now remember, that only refers to physical strength; on average, a woman is physically weaker than a man. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal, equal, equal—got that? She is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. Your prayers are hindered if you’re not honoring your wife. So think about the way you talk to her, the way you treat her—if you’re not honoring your wife, you’re not getting your prayers answered. There’s a direct connection that the Word of God tells us about.
So I want to make this really clear: she’s not beneath you because you’re the head of the home. She is equal to you; Peter makes that very, very clear. What does that mean? If you’re the head of her, that means you are the chief servant because remember, Jesus said, «I am among you as one who serves.» What does that mean? That means if you have enough money to buy one new outfit for a special event coming up, and the decision is made, «I’m the leader; I’m choosing you, my wife, to get the new outfit. I’ll wear something that I’ve had for years.» If it’s about vacation, and she wants to go one place while you want to go to another place, guess what? We’re going where she wants to go. You should be evoking her beauty. Peter says to evoke her beauty by speaking the Word of God to her, speaking things over her that are building her up and nurturing her as the Bible says. So it’s very, very important.
And I want to read this to you: Peter’s words out of The Message Bible: «The same goes for you husbands: be good husbands to your wives. Honor them. Delight in them as women. They lack some of your advantages,» speaking of physical strength—that’s the only thing we’re talking about here—but in the new life of God’s grace, your equals. Treat your wives then as equals so your prayers don’t run aground. Well, there it is out of the Message paraphrase.
So I just want to share with you a personal story for which I am so grateful to the Holy Spirit for leading me. When Lisa and I got married, a lot of people don’t know this, but when Lisa was five years old, she had a disease called retinoblastoma, which is basically cancer of the retina. So when she was five years old, they had to remove her eye and put in a prosthetic eye, and she’s lived with a prosthetic eye ever since. When she got to the cruel years of middle school and high school, especially high school, she was made fun of; she was called «Cyclops.» One time, she got up to do a report in front of the class, and this kid yelled out, «Hey, Cyclops! What you got to say?» She literally ran home to her mom. Her mom comforted her and said, «You know what, Lisa? I’m not going to let you stay home; you’re going right back to face those kids.»
Well, there were two required courses in her high school to graduate that she felt at a disadvantage in and thought she shouldn’t have to take. One was speech, and the other was typing. Because when a person has one eye, they experience a loss of depth perception, so their spatial awareness is very difficult. Back with those old typing machines, that was an extremely challenging process. So she went to her high school counselor, and he agreed with her: «You should not have to take speech, and you should not have to take typing.» So she was exempt from those classes.
Fast forward, I had the privilege of leading Lisa to the Lord my senior year of college, and about a year and a half later, we were married, and we were in Dallas, Texas, at a very large church. I remember many of the women in the church felt that Lisa was stuck up, that she was cold to them. She wasn’t stuck up; she was full of fear because of all that had happened to her as a child—all the fun made of her losing her eye. Everything else Lisa had a lot of fear and was a scared young lady, so these ladies were misreading her.
But I remember Lisa and I were trying to pick up some spare income, so she went into a direct marketing makeup and skincare firm. I started going to some of her sessions where they were training her, and I noticed, «Wow, Lisa, what you’re doing with these women is really spectacular.»
We were in Dallas, and the Galleria Mall was the big mall of that decade, with all the big stores in it, like Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue. One of the big stores in there was called Marshall Fields. We were walking through Marshall Fields, and I said, «You know what, Lisa? You could do better than any of these women in the makeup area. You should apply for a job here, not do the direct marketing, but do this.» And she was like, «No, no, no, I could never sell makeup to women like this and just stand behind a counter.» So I didn’t say anything.
What she didn’t tell me was that her direct marketing business was bringing her into the mall, and every time she walked into the Galleria, she kept hearing my voice: «You ought to apply for this job.» So she thought, «I’ll do it. I won’t tell John about it; I’ll just do it and say it just didn’t work.» So she applied and got the job, and they put her over the Elizabeth Arden makeup counter. The previous girl had struggled, which is why she lost her job. Well, Lisa sold everything on the counter, and all the inventory that they had in the store in two weeks. She called the company and said, «I don’t have anything left; I’ve sold everything.»
A couple of days later, she hears a briefcase slam, and she jumps, turning around to find it was one of the top executives for Elizabeth Arden. He said, «You’re not staying here.» Well, that day, he had her interview, and within about a week, she got an account coordinator position over 18 stores of Elizabeth Arden in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Her pay skyrocketed right away. About a year later, she was promoted to promotional representative, managing stores in an eight-state territory. Now she’s making a massive salary, more than double what I’m making. She gets a company car, a brand-new Thunderbird—guess who’s driving that car? Honors reward, that’s what it’s called.
I remember then we moved to Florida, and I became a youth pastor for a very large church. I would get up and preach to the youth, and we had great services. I remember one night, I just said, «You know what? I’m not going to preach next week. I want my wife, Lisa, to preach.» Lisa was in the back of the room, just going, «No, no, no.» I’m telling you, boy did I get hit that week. She was like, «No, we’re not a package deal. They hired you to be the youth pastor, not me.» I said, «But babe, you have so much wisdom in you; there’s so much God has shown you that you need to share with these kids.» She said, «No, no, no.»
Well, finally she got up, and she hit the ball out of the park. I mean, it was amazing. The kids got ministered to, so I kept doing it over and over. Then we started traveling, and I’m doing a conference, speaking on Friday night and Saturday morning. I remember one particular conference where I said, «You know, I’m not going to do my session tomorrow morning; I’m going to have my wife do it.» She was not sitting on the front row at this conference; she was back at the hotel room watching the babies. So I came back into the hotel room and said, «Oh, by the way, I’ll have to watch the kids tomorrow morning because you’re going to take my session.» She was like, «No, no, no, no, no.»
I said, «Oh yeah, I announced it tonight; you’ve got to do this.» She said, «What did you preach on?» I told her what I preached on, and it was something that she preached on a lot of the time. She said, «You took my only message; there is no way!» So she was so upset she stayed up until three in the morning. I finally started giggling and said, «Babe, do you realize your session begins at 9 a.m.? That’s six hours from now; you might want to get some sleep before you preach to those people tomorrow.»
Well, she got up and knocked it out of the park. The people loved her. Then, you know, I started writing, and «Bait of Satan» became a national bestseller. I secretly went to the publisher and said, «Please don’t tell Lisa that I told you to do this, but I believe my wife has a book in her, and I think you should go by our house.» Our publisher was in the same city we were in. I said, «Just ask her to write a book.» The publisher looked at me and said, «Sure, I’ll do it.»
He came over to our house, and Lisa was like, «Oh, his name was Tom; John’s upstairs; I’ll go get him.» He said, «Actually, Lisa, I’m here to see you. We really believe that you have a message in you, and we’d love to talk to you about it.» Well, she ended up writing a book, and it became a national bestseller.
Now, if you look at Lisa Bevere today, here she is speaking to millions of women all over the world. She is a New York Times bestselling author. And what are the two classes she got out of in high school? Speaking in front of people and typing—writing books. The very two things she got out of are now what God has her doing. But I will say this: I believe it was God prompting me to honor her, to value her, to see the gifts she had that others, including herself, didn’t recognize at first. This is what a husband is to do when the Bible says to nourish your wife and cherish her.
I’m speaking out of Ephesians chapter five, and let me just read it to you: «Husbands, go all out…» I love this; this is the Message paraphrase: «Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty; everything He does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives; they’re really doing themselves a favor since they are already one in marriage.»
You know, I’m telling you this: a wife will reflect how well she is loved by her husband. I can walk into a restaurant, and if there are a bunch of married people there, I can point out the wives that are well-loved by their husbands. I can also point out the wives that are not well-loved because it reflects in their countenance. I have seen women in their sixties and seventies who are absolutely radiant and beautiful because they have been so well-loved and honored by their husbands. I look at my wife. My wife is almost sixty years old, and to me, she looks like a model; she looks like she’s in her thirties. I tell her all our married life, «Babe, if somebody would have told me that you would look this gorgeous in your fifties, I would have fainted.» If I had known my wife would look like this—she blushes and says, «Oh, John, that’s not my love language; acts of service are.» But I know that she is really being nourished and cherished by the words I speak to her.
I would say to our sons when they were teenagers, «Guys, can you believe how gorgeous your mother is? Can you believe we have a model wife and mother? We are so privileged.» And she can cook! Oh my gosh, she’s an amazing chef; she makes all these wonderful dishes, and I go on and on and on. You know what? It really does cause growth.
So don’t take your wives for granted; don’t treat them as ordinary; don’t treat them as common. Remember how you treated her when you were dating? Oh my gosh, your heart would skip a few beats when you saw her. You would think the evening through, plan something special—keep doing that, because she’s the same special girl you fell in love with all those years ago. So do this, and you will watch your wife flourish. And just as the Apostle Paul said, you’re really doing yourself a favor because, why? Because you’re one with her.
What are the rewards I’ve received in honoring Lisa? Can I tell you? Doors have opened to me all over the world because, what happens is, Lisa will come in, do a women’s conference, do a church in some nation, or some massive church, and the people go, «You know what? We love you so much; we would love to have your husband.» She basically was the one going before me and opening these doors. God was using her to open these doors.
I look at Lisa with the favor that she has from being a New York Times bestseller and all that comes with that—it has blessed me. So can I say this? When you honor your wife, you get the direct reward because you’re one with your wife.
So guys, when you treat your wife, when you treat her with honor and respect, you’re really treating your own life with honor and respect because you’re one. I hope you get a vision for this. I hope you’ll change the way you speak to your wife, the way you treat your wife, the way you value your wife. This really does begin in the heart; it begins in prayer. If you’ve developed some attitudes, maybe some bitterness because you feel like she’s been grumpy or harsh with you or has cut you down, get rid of that. Forgive her, and now seek to serve. Remember, the love of God seeks to serve, to give, regardless of what is returned. Jesus died for us before we ever did anything for Him, but He knew one day that He would have a beautiful, intimate relationship with countless sons and daughters.
So develop faith in the love of God; develop faith in honor and know that if you do this, eventually you’re going to evoke her beauty, and every woman has beauty. God has given it to them as a gift, and you, sir, have that ability, by being the head of the home, to evoke that beauty. And the word «evoke» means to draw it out; you have the ability to draw out that beauty—spirit, soul, and body—in your wife.