John Bevere - Parents, Here's Why Building a Culture of Honor is CRITICAL
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Truly, honor is like the currency of heaven. You know, have you ever gone into a store and thought, «Oh man, I really like that, and that would help my life,» but you have no money? You’re not leaving that store with anything. Honor is the currency that causes heaven’s blessings and provisions to flow. Throughout eternity, we will honor one another, with the greatest honor, of course, given to Jesus Christ, our heavenly Father, and the Spirit of God.
In this particular lesson, we will talk about parents honoring their children. In all my travels, and I have been traveling for over 35 years, the greatest need I see in our society isn’t for bosses to honor their employees, team leaders to honor their team members, or pastors to honor their people. The greatest need that I see is for parents to honor their children. If parents modeled this and truly valued their children, our society would be so much better off. God gives us a glimpse of this when He says, «In the last days, I will send Elijah the prophet, and he will turn the hearts of the fathers back to the children.»
It’s amazing how important it is to have this, especially since I’m not diminishing the value of a mother’s honor—mothers seem to do it so naturally because they carried that baby. However, it is especially important for fathers, and I would be willing to say a significant percentage— a very high percentage—of our tragedies in the nation of America stem from fatherless homes and from fathers mistreating their children. So, let’s dive into it.
To honor, again, I want you to remember what it means: it means to value, to treat someone as weighty, precious, and valuable. Sometimes, when I see the way parents talk to their children, I cringe. They talk down to them, speak of their failures, amplify their failures, and belittle them in front of others. It is a tragedy when you do this, and it creates a vicious cycle. The more they speak down to them, the more the children behave in ways that don’t please the parents or anyone else. So really, if you’re having a situation with a child, you might want to check how you’re speaking to them.
Let me give you an example. When Lisa was in junior high and high school, she was an excellent swimmer and swam competitively twice a year. Swimming is a tough physical sport, and Lisa needed to eat a lot because she burned so many calories in the pool. However, she suffered an injury in her junior year that caused her not to be able to swim competitively that year. Yet, she continued to eat as if she were still training. One day, she came home from school, and her dad said, «Lisa, come here.» He looked her up and down and said, «Those jeans are way too tight; you must weigh at least 135 pounds.»
Lisa was horrified by what her dad had said. She weighed herself and discovered she was almost 140 pounds. Sheepishly, she returned to her dad and admitted, «Yeah, you’re right.» He responded, «Lisa, no guy is ever going to pay any attention to you when you’re that fat. You need to watch what you’re eating.» What he didn’t realize was that she went back to her room, undressed, looked at her body, and began to hate it. A correlation was made: food would make her unattractive, and not eating would make her attractive. This is a very perverted way of looking at life, and it led Lisa into behaviors that resulted in anorexia and bulimia.
Eventually, she noticed that as her weight went down, boys started paying attention to her, which reinforced the concept that began with her dad’s words. By the time Lisa got to college, she had a love-hate relationship with food. She loved eating but hated what food did to her. She started using laxatives and diuretics and eventually had to be admitted to the hospital because she hadn’t had a bowel movement in over a month.
What would have happened if Lisa’s dad had handled that situation differently? What if he had sat her down and said, «Darling, I want to see you in good health. There are many diseases tied to weight, and I don’t want you to be subjected to these kinds of things.» The proof is in the pudding: Lisa did miraculously get healed by God right before we got married; God literally delivered her, and she shares her entire testimony in her book, *You Are Not What You Weigh*.
When we first got married, I purposed in my heart to always speak life into my wife. Paul said to nourish and cherish. Remarkably, after 25 years of marriage, Lisa weighed 116 pounds when we got married, and 25 years later, she still weighed 116 pounds. We have now been married for 37 years, and I don’t think she’s ever weighed more than five pounds over her wedding weight. I’ve never seen her past 121 or 122, and you know what? She doesn’t work out; she doesn’t go to the gym, and yet she maintains the same weight. You can’t say it’s because she’s physically blessed; she was 140 pounds as a high school student, so that isn’t the case.
The truth is, when we, as leaders, honor people, we speak words of life into them. I can go into a restaurant and tell how well a wife is loved by her husband just by her physical appearance. I can tell how well children are loved and encouraged by their parents just by their physical appearance, their confidence level. Even Jesus needed affirmation. Remember, the Father said, «This is my beloved Son, and I am really pleased with Him.» He said it out loud publicly for everybody to hear because He knew what Jesus was going into: 40 days of temptation by the enemy.
God the Father affirmed Him, and that’s a pattern for us. We should be constantly affirming our children. Lisa and I made the decision when our kids were growing up that we were going to speak life into them. I had an advantage when our oldest two sons were toddlers; I was a youth pastor for a church with a very well-known pastor who traveled the world. All the counseling was left to our departments, and as the youth pastor, I handled all the youth and family counseling for teenagers.
I had countless situations where families would sit in front of my desk, and I witnessed the way the parents talked to their kids. I thought, «No wonder your kids are so debased, so filled with shame, so timid.» I would observe the way these parents communicated. As our boys started getting older, Lisa and I began saying to our sons before they could even talk, «You’re a disciple taught of the Lord, and great is your peace.» We would look at them and declare, «You’re arrows in our quiver, and you’re going to go further than we ever have. You have been given for signs and wonders.»
Another tragedy I saw as a youth pastor was parents not disciplining their children. You may wonder what that has to do with honor and value. Let me tell you something: «He who spares his rod hates.» Hear this word: «hates» his son, «but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.» That’s Proverbs 13:24. Proverbs 29:15 says, «The rod and rebuke give wisdom.» Did you hear that? We want to give our children wisdom, but «a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.»
In my counseling appointments, I can’t tell you how many times parents spoke harshly to their kids and gave them very little love; their kids resented their parents. But I also saw something even worse: if parents didn’t discipline their kids, the kids hated them. I witnessed this time and time again. I never had the healthy families in my office because they didn’t need counseling, but the ones that really got my attention were those whose kids shut down and resented their parents due to being spoken to harshly without receiving love.
But the extreme was where parents wouldn’t discipline their children; those kids hated them. I remember a situation with a dad and mom who brought their teenage daughter to my office. The dad had taken time off work for the counseling appointment, and she spoke to her mom as if she were trash, filled with hate in her voice. I was shocked and said to the father, «Aren’t you going to say something to your daughter about how she just talked to your wife?» They both looked at me and said, «No, no, no—we believe in loving our kids out of their disobedience and problems.»
I was shocked and said, «Well, this appointment’s over.» I’m not saying this is how to handle things, pastors, but I was in my late twenties and not the wisest leader back then. The father protested, saying, «I took time off work to come here; we’ve only been sitting here for 10 minutes.» I replied, «You obviously know more than God, and I only speak for God, so I can’t help you.» So, I sent them away.
It amazes me how that mother and father thought they knew more than the wisdom of God. Here, God says, «You spare the rod; you hate the child,» and «the rod and rebuke give wisdom.» You have to remember this when you’re disciplining. I want to talk to you about this, and I don’t care if you’re single or a parent. When you discipline, you can’t do it out of anger. You can’t do it; you have to do it because you value your child and want your child to receive the wisdom of God.
If God loves and cares for us, His discipline hurts. Your discipline should hurt because it will produce wisdom. I’ll never forget a friend of mine mentioning how his next-door neighbors could do anything they wanted and never got disciplined, while his family was strict. He would get upset with his parents, asking, «Why can’t you be like our neighbors?» Eventually, every one of those neighbors ended up on drugs or in jail, while he was ministering the gospel.
Thinking about our sons, we continually valued them, affirming, «You’re going to go farther than we’ve gone.» I remember Addison, our oldest, graduated magna cum laude from high school and was accepted into the seventh-best business university in America. In July, I received a call from him while I was at home; he was at our office because, during the summer, he worked for Messenger International. He asked, «Dad, can you talk? Do you have five minutes?» I could tell it was something heavy, so I said, «Sure, what’s up?»
He said, «Dad, I really don’t want to go to college next month. I want to keep working for Messenger and help you and Mom get the Word of God out to people.» I thought, «Are you serious?» I remember saying, «Under one condition: you must self-educate. You need to keep growing.» He committed to read 75 books a year and continued working.
I went to our director of staff and said, «He gets no special treatment because he’s a Bever; in fact, make it a little harder on him.» After six months, the director said, «I want to put him over our church relations department.» This was our most important department, with churches across the U.S. using our curricula. He put Addison in charge of about seven guys calling churches to see how we could support them.
I said to our director, «That’s our most important department!» He replied, «John, your son is a leader, and I want to put him over that.» The first year, he grew the department threefold. Twenty-five thousand churches used our curricula when he left that department. I remember traveling across the country and pastors telling me how amazing my son was.
Then, our second son wanted to work for us. I said, «Well, you have a marketing degree; we need a marketing department!» He started the department and grew it, contributing to Lisa’s book becoming a New York Times best-seller due to his innovative marketing strategies. On her next book, the publisher asked if they could hire him and his team to market it. It was astounding.
My third son, Alec, dropped his resume in front of Lisa and me, stating why he wanted to work for Messenger International. At the time, he was the youngest manager for Apple in Colorado. He started in our short films department and now oversees that department, creating short films that pastors use for their messages. Our youngest son also approached us, expressing a desire to work for us. He founded our division of Messenger International called Sons and Daughters, where they minister to millennials in their language, making our messages relatable to that generation.
Now, we have four sons working for us because, as they were growing up, we nurtured them. We spoke words of life over them and disciplined them because we valued them. Our heart’s desire has always been to tell our sons, «We want you to go further than we’ve gone.» Don’t ever be envious of their success or the attention they get. It is a sign that you did a great job raising them in godliness, valuing them, which has led to the rewards Lisa and I have received from our sons—it’s unreal!
Doors have opened for me to preach this year that wouldn’t have opened without our sons. In honoring our sons and being consistent with them, we’ve noticed amazing results. One more thing: it’s essential to honor your children by acknowledging when you’re wrong. All parents make mistakes. There is no perfect leader, except Jesus. We would look our kids in the eye and say, «I’m so sorry,» and that’s so important.
I’ve had people tell me that when their dad made a mistake, everyone ignored it. But it didn’t go away; it stayed with them. The rewards are incredible—doors have opened for Lisa and me that are amazing because of our sons. More importantly, the message has reached many more people. Our influence has expanded because we have honored our sons and honored our team members.
Please remember that your child may not be acting in an honorable way, but if you speak honor into them, something will change. If you follow the scripture, you won’t look at what is seen but at what is unseen, as what is seen is temporary and subject to change, while the unseen is eternal. Speak the eternal word of God; say what God says over your children, and they will flourish. You’ll reap rewards for it.
In the next lesson, we will discuss how to value everyone—waiters, waitresses, skycaps, flight attendants—this is general humanity. God says to honor all, and this happens to be one of my favorite lessons. Lesson 12 is coming up.
Parents, I want to encourage you to find scriptures that speak to your children’s destinies. There are many in the Word of God. Begin to speak those over them every day, even during their worst misbehavior. Infuse those words of prophecy and God into how you’re dealing with them, and watch how they begin to bloom and flourish. It’s guaranteed; God’s Word will not return void.
He has promised that if we train up a child in the way they should go, when they are old, they will not depart from it. Put your faith in what God says, not in what you’re seeing in your children’s behavior right now. Speak to their destiny, don’t speak to where they are at currently.