Joel Osteen - Take Control of Your Happiness (05/16/2018)
Joel Osteen teaches that God didn’t call us to keep everyone around us happy at the expense of our own joy, urging believers to stop enabling others' dysfunction by always rescuing them and instead set boundaries to take control of personal happiness. Drawing from stories like the prodigal son and personal examples, he concludes that true freedom comes from cutting manipulative «puppet strings» and surrounding ourselves with lifters rather than drains.
You’re Not Responsible for Everyone’s Happiness
I want to talk to you today about taking control of your happiness. Some people are sacrificing their own happiness to try to keep everyone around them happy. They have to stop by a friend’s house to say hello. If not, that friend may get upset. They have to work late every night. If not, the boss may be unhappy. They have to loan this friend money because they are in trouble again.
If they do not meet all these demands—rescue this person, keep this person fixed, solve this person’s problem—then they will fall out of somebody’s good graces. Somebody will not understand. But God did not call you to keep everyone happy. It is good to be loving, kind, and generous. But you are not responsible for other people’s happiness; you are responsible to keep yourself happy.
«Well, Joel, if I do not loan them the money, if I do not bail them out again for the twelfth time, they may get upset with me.» Maybe it is time for them to be unhappy instead of you being unhappy. If they get upset, they are not friends; they are manipulators. And your time is too valuable to go through life letting people control you and make you feel guilty if you do not come running every time they call.
The easy thing is to just give in, bail them out, and not make any waves. But as long as you rescue them, keep them fixed, and keep them cheered up, you are not really helping them; you are becoming a crutch. You are enabling the dysfunction.
Set Boundaries to Break Free
The only way they are going to really get free is for you to not meet all their needs and not come running every time they have an emergency. You have to put your foot down and say, «I love you, but I am not going to let you control me.» «I love you, but I am not going to jump every time you call.» «I love you, but I am not going to feel guilty if I do not meet all of your demands.»
If somebody is controlling you, it is not their fault; it is your fault. You have to set some boundaries. Quit allowing them to call you at all hours of the day and night and dump their problems on you. That is why we have voicemail. Quit catering to them every time they throw a fit. Ignore it. Quit loaning them money every time they make poor choices. Do not take on that false sense of responsibility.
You are not the Savior of the world. We already have a Savior. You are not supposed to keep everyone happy and everyone fixed. If you take on that job, the one person who will not be happy is you.
I know this man, and for years he had a problem paying his rent. My heart went out to him, and I helped him again and again. Every other month, practically, he would explain how something had come up and he could not make his payment. After about the fifth emergency, I started to wise up.
He told how his client had not paid him—the money should show up any time. A relative got sick; he had to travel out of town. On and on. After this long sad story, he looked at me and said, «Now, Joel, what are we going to do?»
I did not say it, but I thought to myself, «We are not going to do anything because this is not my problem. This is your problem, and I am not going to feel guilty because you keep making poor choices.» I believe I would still be helping him today, five years later, if I had not put my foot down.
Avoid Helping Out of Guilt
A lot of times, we do things out of guilt. «Well, I should help him; I feel like it. And if I do not, I am going to feel bad about it.» But if that person is not taking responsibility, you are not really helping them; you are hurting them. They are not having to deal with the real issues. And some people are always having a crisis. They are always in need.
It is good to help them once, twice, a dozen times—be kind, show mercy. But five years later, if they are still having those regular emergencies, counting on you to come running, and if you keep giving in, it is just like they have you as a puppet. They know if they pull this string, you will feel guilty. Pull this string, you will come bail them out. Pull this string, then you will stay late and do the project for them.
My message today is «Cut the strings.» No more puppets. No more letting them make you feel guilty. No more coming running. «Well, Joel, if I do that, they may not be my friend anymore.» There is your answer. God may have just closed that door for you.
The truth is, if they get upset because you do not meet every demand and they give you the cold shoulder because you do not call on cue, they are not really a friend. They are a controller. And the sooner you break free, the better off you are going to be.
It is like a little child, a toddler. If every time they throw a fit and you come running and give them what they want, they will continue to do that. They know what they have to do to get their way. But if you let them throw that fit a dozen times, and even though they are hollering and screaming, you ignore it and go about your day, enjoying your life, before long they will realize throwing a fit does not do any good, and they will have to change.
The Principle Works with Adults Too
It is the same principle in adults. As long as somebody can pressure you into doing what they want, they will continue to do it. But when you do not respond to their fits, you do not let their guilt cause you to give in, and you do not come running every time they have a need, that will force them to look inside and deal with the real issues.
I have some friends, this couple. The first several years of their marriage were very miserable. The young lady went through some unfair situations as a child, and she was extremely unhappy, extremely negative. If she did not get her way, she would throw fits—go four or five days having a pity party, pouting.
Her husband is as good as can be. He did everything he could to try to keep her happy. He was constantly encouraging her, trying to fix her problems, telling her everything was going to be okay. For three years, he catered to her night and day, basically giving up his happiness to try to keep her happy.
One day, it dawned on him: she is not going to change. He realized that even though he had good intentions, he was not helping her. He had become a crutch. And he told her, «I love you, but I cannot make you happy. I have tried everything I can, and I am done trying.»
As harsh as that sounds, she said that was the best thing that ever happened to her. That forced her to look inside and deal with those issues.
You may be in a relationship with somebody like that. Do not take on that false sense of responsibility. God did not call you to be unhappy in order to keep somebody else happy. Yes, there may be seasons where we make sacrifices and have to put up with some things to help a friend get well or help a loved one overcome.
But you cannot let a season turn into a lifetime where you are sacrificing your happiness, not pursuing your dreams, putting your life on hold to try to keep somebody else happy.
Life Is Too Short for Controllers
Life is too short to go through it letting people control you who will not make good decisions for themselves. There is a fine line here, but you are not responsible for your spouse’s happiness, your children’s happiness, or your friends' happiness. You cannot make people do what is right, no matter how hard you pray or how hard you try.
You cannot make a family member serve God. You cannot make a friend stay out of trouble. And when we love people, it is very easy to take on that responsibility and spend all our time and energy thinking we have got to get them fixed. The problem is, some people do not want to be fixed.
You have got to turn those people over to the Lord. Quit being frustrated because they will not do what is right. That is what it means to become codependent. Somebody has a problem, they will not make good choices, and you make the mistake of letting their problem become your problem.
If you are putting off your happiness until they change, you may be unhappy for a long time. Why do you not let that person off of your potter’s wheel? You are not the potter. God is the potter. God knows how to get people to change.
Your job is to love them, pray for them, help them when you can. But do not take responsibility for their poor choices.
I talked to a lady a couple of weeks ago in the lobby. Her 24-year-old son has gotten way off track. For the last three years, she has been emotionally drained and physically worn out. She looks ten years older than normal. You can see the weight of the world that she has been carrying.
She is constantly rescuing her son, bailing him out, loaning him money. She is giving up her happiness until her son gets straightened out. Of course, we all love our children. We would do anything in the world for them. But sometimes the best thing is to not rescue them. Do not keep enabling that dysfunction.
Lessons from the Prodigal Son
In the story of the prodigal son, the young man took his inheritance, went out, and wasted all the money—partying, wild living, making poor choices. He ended up in the hog pen, no money, so desperate that he was eating hog food to survive.
What is interesting is the father did not go rescue him. The father did not go bail him out; he did not send his staff to get him all fixed up. He just left him there. The father went about his business, living life, pursuing his goals.
Eventually, Luke 15:17 says, the young man «came to himself.» He came to his senses and realized, «Hey, I am making poor choices. I have got to get back on the right track.» He went home and got his life straightened out.
I am all for helping people, saving them whenever we can from heartache and pain. But some people, you can help them a hundred times, and when they leave, every time they will go right back to the mess they were in.
The only way they are really going to get free is to come to a place where nobody is bailing them out, nobody is paying their bills, nobody is acting as a crutch. Then, like the prodigal son, at some point they are going to come to themselves. They are going to realize, «Hey, I have got to take responsibility for my life. I have got to rise up and become who God created me to be.»
But some of you today are doing too much for other people and not enough for yourself. You are so good-hearted, so kind. You are sacrificing your happiness to keep everyone around you happy.
Your first priority is to keep yourself happy. You need to evaluate your relationships. If you are doing all the giving and very little receiving, something is out of balance. If you have to keep that person cheered up 24 hours a day, something is wrong.
You should be able to tell your friend, «No, I am not going to be able to go,» and them not try to make you feel guilty. If they do—try to give you the cold shoulder, get upset—they are not a friend; they are a controller.
Do not go the next 20 years trying to meet all their demands. The best thing you can do is cut the puppet strings. They are not really interested in you; they are interested in what you can do for them.
You do not have time to play games, get distracted, entangled, trying to keep everybody around you happy. You have a destiny to fulfill. Be bold and take control of your own life.
A Personal Story from High School
When I was growing up, my grandfather would buy a new car every two years, and he would give one of us grandkids his old car. He was very generous. When I was a junior in high school, my grandfather gave me his four-year-old Buick LeSabre. It had a lime green body and a white top. I loved my grandfather, but it was the ugliest car on the road.
One of my friends that I played basketball with had a car as well, and we decided to carpool. I would go pick him up one week and take him to school, and he would drive me the next week. He lived about 15 minutes in the opposite direction from the school, so I would have to go all the way that way and come all the way back by my house.
I did not mind doing that. He drove a week; I drove a week. This happened two or three times. Then his car was in the shop. Then his brother needed to borrow the car; he could not drive. Then something else came up. It got to where I was driving all the time.
I really did not mind it, but it did not seem like he was grateful. He acted like I owed it to him to go pick him up. One day, I got my nerve up and asked him if he was ever going to drive again. He explained how he was trying to keep the mileage down on his car and basically that I needed to keep picking him up. He acted like he was doing me a favor to ride in my car—even though my car was ugly, he did not deserve being in it.
I did what I am asking you to do. I was very polite; I had a big smile on my face. But I told him, «I am sorry, I am not going to be able to come out there and pick you up anymore.»
You would have thought I told him his life was coming to an end. He tried to put me on the biggest guilt trip. He told me how selfish I was being. He would hardly speak to me again. I thought, «That is fine with me. If he is only going to be my friend if I meet all of his demands and cater to his every need, good riddance. I do not need friends like that.»
Go find somebody else to control, but you are not going to control me. I do not mind being good to people, but I do mind being used. And if you allow it, people will run your life. They will tell you what to do, where to go, how to dress, how to spend your money.
Freedom from People-Pleasing
It is good to get free from addictions, free from debt, free from depression. But one of the greatest freedoms is to get free from people. Quit letting people pressure you into becoming something that you are not. Quit living on eggshells, thinking you are going to fall out of their favor if you do not perform perfectly, call them on cue, come running every time they ask.
«Then, Joel, they may get upset with me.» My message today is: let them be upset. If you spend your life trying to please everyone, letting people control you, you may make them happy, but you will miss your destiny.
I would rather please God and have a few people upset with me than to please people and have God upset with me. You need to especially be careful of high-maintenance people. That is what my friend was. High-maintenance people—you can never do enough for them. No matter how much you do, they expect more.
You have got to be available 24/7, run their errands, compliment them, keep them cheered up. If not, they get their feelings hurt. They try to make you feel guilty. Do not go year after year playing up to people like that. High-maintenance people are impossible to keep happy. If you do that, all it is going to do is end up frustrating you.
The Four Types of People
A friend of mine is a pilot. He told how there are four main principles in flying an airplane: lift, thrust, weight, and drag. You have to take into account all four of these to make sure the plane will fly. Most people fall into one of these four categories.
There will be people who lift you, brighten your day, make you feel better about yourself. When you leave, you have got a spring in your step. They are lifters.
There are people who will thrust you. They motivate you, inspire you, challenge you to move forward and accomplish your dreams. They are thrusters.
Then there are people who are a weight. They pull you down. When you leave, you feel heavier, discouraged, negative, worse than you were before.
Number four, there are people who are a drag. They have always got a sad story—had a flat tire, dishwasher broke, goldfish died, mother-in-law just moved in permanently. They are always in the pits, and they expect you to cheer them up, to solve their problems, to carry their heavy load.
In life, we all encounter people from these four different groups. Here is the key: make sure you are spending the majority of your time with lifters and thrusters.
If you are only hanging out with weights, with drags, they will keep you from becoming all God created you to be. Some people have a perpetual problem. They always have a sad story, and if you allow it, they will use you as a trash can to dump all their garbage.
You spend an hour with them and feel like you just ran a marathon. They are energy suckers. You leave drained and worn out.
You cannot continue to put that in day after day and expect to reach your highest potential. You will not lift off. You will not be thrust into the amazing future God has in store if you are weighted down, letting people dump their problems on you, make you discouraged, taking all your energy, thinking that you have to spend your time keeping them fixed, keeping them encouraged.
No, it is hard enough to keep yourself encouraged. Do not take responsibility for their happiness.
Protect Yourself from Negativity
Yes, I realize there are times that we need to sow a seed, be a listening ear, help love somebody back into wholeness. But that should be for a season, not an ongoing drama where every day somebody calls you and tells how bad their husband is treating her, how the neighbor did not do her right. They are in the pits; now they are expecting you to work your magic.
Listen, you have got enough drama in your own life without listening to everybody else’s drama. You cannot put that negativity in and expect to soar like God wants you to.
Some of you, if you do not make an adjustment in this area and not spend so much time with the weights and the drags, it will keep you from God’s best. «Well, Joel, what if they get their feelings hurt?» Well, what if you miss your destiny? «What if they get upset with me?» Well, what if you do not accomplish your God-given dreams?
Pay attention to who you are spending time with. Are they lifters? Are they thrusters? Do they motivate you, inspire you, challenge you, leave you better than you were before? Or is it just the opposite—they drag you down?
Many years ago, I used to get my hair cut by this young lady. She was as nice as can be, had a great heart, but she was very negative. Every time I went in, month after month, year after year, she would tell me all of her problems—how the owners were not treating her right, they were making her work long hours, she had a sister causing her problems, she was never sure she could pay her rent each month, her father was not well.
When I left, I always felt so heavy, so discouraged. I did my best to encourage her. I would pray with her, speak faith into her, give her money, send her customers—but it was never enough.
One day, I realized what I am telling you. I cannot go where God is taking me with her in my life. I love her; I pray for her. But I cannot fulfill my destiny with that weight and drag being put on me every month. I made a change.
It was not easy because you never like to hurt somebody’s feelings. But I knew my assignment was too important, my destiny was too great, to allow someone to continually pull me down.
You too may have to make a change in where you do business, where you work out, whose phone calls you take. Do not let that negativity go into you day after day. You need to be around other thrusters, other lifters—people that motivate, people that inspire.
Building Resistance to Drags
Now, I know some of you work around people who are a weight or go to school with people who are a drag. You do not have a choice; you have to be there. Here is the key: before you go to work, before you go to school, you have got to get prayed up, praised up, encouraged.
You have got to set your mind that it is going to be a great day. You cannot go into that negative environment in neutral; you have got to get already filled up, already encouraged. Do not let your guard down—stressed out because of the traffic, worried about your deadline, listening to the news.
No, if you are not on the offensive, the weights and drags will pull you down. On the way to work, maybe it is a 20-minute drive. Why do you not put on some good praise music? Get your spirit person built up. Have a grateful attitude. Start thanking God for what He has done.
Or put on a good teaching CD—something that inspires you, motivates you—and then start talking to yourself the right way: This is going to be a great day! I have the favor of God! I am strong in the Lord! I can do all things through Christ! Something good is going to happen to me today!
That is how you stay strong and not let the weights and drags pull you down. You have got to build up that resistance.
Well, what happens if you live with a weight? Perhaps you are even married to a weight, married to a drag. Do not look at your spouse now—that would not be good. You have got to do the same thing: take extra doses of praise, encouragement, inspiration. Stay filled up.
And while God is in the process of changing that person, do not let them steal your joy. Some people do not want to be happy. They like living in the pits. You have got to have the attitude: «If you do not want to be happy, that is fine. But you are not going to keep me from being happy.»
«If you want to live in the pits, that is your choice, but I am not getting in the pits with you.» Take responsibility for your own happiness. Do not let those issues sour your own life. Pray for them, be respectful, but do not become codependent where you let their problem become your problem and you miss your destiny.
Friends, it is time to break free. Is there something keeping you from being happy? Are you allowing somebody to control you, make you feel guilty because you do not meet all their demands? Why do you not cut the puppet strings? Set some boundaries.
Do not miss your destiny trying to keep everyone happy, everyone fixed. God did not call you to be unhappy to keep somebody else happy. Make sure you have plenty of thrusters and lifters in your life.
If you will learn this principle of taking control of your own happiness, I believe and declare this is going to be a new day. Bondages that have held you back for years are being broken right now. You are going to step into a new sense of freedom, a new sense of joy, a greater happiness. You will overcome every obstacle, defeat every enemy, and become everything God created you to be. In Jesus' name.