Joel Osteen - Not Counting On People
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I want to talk to you today about not counting on people. Sometimes we get our worth and value from how people treat us. If they’re kind, compliment us, invite us to their events, and acknowledge our gifts, then we’ll feel good about ourselves. We have their approval and validation, and it’s great when people support us and make us feel valuable. But the problem with counting on people is that people can change. People can get busy; they can become jealous or discouraged. They can’t always keep you cheered up; they have their own issues. If they never compliment themselves, they’re probably not going to compliment you.
Instead of looking to people, you have to go to God. No matter how much someone loves you and how much they want the best for you, they can’t give you everything you need. They can’t always be there to cheer you up and keep you feeling confident. Let them off the hook; that’s a lot of pressure for someone to be responsible for your happiness. They have to compliment you three times a day and tell you how great you are and that you’re going to make it. They want the best for you, but at some point, they may let you down. They’re human. God never designed us to derive our worth solely from people but from Him. And yes, He’ll use people, but don’t be surprised when He pulls that back, and you no longer receive from them what you used to. He’s teaching you to depend on Him and not on their approval, compliments, or encouragement because that’s temporary and dependent on what’s going on in their lives.
Sometimes the acceptance and approval we’re longing for from people is something they don’t have to give. Nobody gave it to them. The way you want them to love you, respect you, and make you feel important is something they may never have experienced growing up. No one instilled that in them. Are you trying to get something from someone that they don’t have to give? Are you trying to convince that coworker to acknowledge, even just once, that you’re talented and have good ideas? Or that family member to include you and make you feel welcome? No matter what you do, it seems like you’re secondary and not good enough. Stop counting on people to give you something they don’t have. They love you; sure, they’re good people. If they had it, they would give it. Try a different approach: God, I know You accept me. You approve of me. You call me a masterpiece. You said I can do all things through Christ. Get your approval from Almighty God.
Sometimes we’re trying to get something from a person who is never going to give it— not because they can’t, but because they don’t want to. They may never be for us, never show us respect, never acknowledge our gifts. That’s okay. Not everyone is supposed to be for you. If you don’t realize this, you’ll get stuck trying to change people’s minds, thinking you have to win them over and prove that you’re a good person, convincing them that they’re wrong about you. All that will do is frustrate you and cause you to live in stress. You have to let it go and move forward. You don’t need their approval.
«Well, Joel, they don’t respect me.» You don’t need their respect. They don’t acknowledge my gifts. You don’t need their acknowledgment. You know what they are? A distraction. The enemy would love for you to waste your time trying to change something that you can’t change, living stressed over someone who doesn’t really matter. Their lack of support cannot stop your destiny. Their not being for you doesn’t lessen your value. Their failure to recognize your talent or downplay your accomplishments, or treating you like you’re inferior, cannot change the fact that you’re a masterpiece, that you have seeds of greatness, that you’re wearing a crown of favor. Why are you wasting time trying to get something from someone that they’re never going to give?
Jesus told His disciples that when they go into a city and aren’t accepted, He didn’t say to stay there and try to convince them to change, nor to tell them how good you are or how sincere you are or prove your talent. No, He said to shake the dust off your feet and move on. He was saying don’t waste another minute trying to convince people to like you, respect you, include you, or come see you. We spend too much time trying to win over people who are never going to be for us, trying to get something that they’re never going to give. This can be difficult, especially when it’s people close to us. We long for approval from our relatives and those we look up to.
But think about David in scripture. His father didn’t really believe in him. He discounted him and left him out in the shepherd’s fields when Samuel came to anoint one of his sons as the next king. He thought, «David? It’s not him; he’s too small, too young; he’s not as talented as his brothers.» David could have lived bitter and upset, trying to convince his father to change his mind, but he shook it off and moved forward. When he took lunch to his brothers, who were in the army in another city, and he was being kind and doing them a favor, the oldest brother Eliab belittled him.
In front of the other soldiers, he said, «David, what are you doing here? And what did you do with those few sheep you’re supposed to be taking care of?» He tried to make David feel small and insignificant. You would think his brother would say, «David, thanks for coming so far. Thanks for being so kind and generous.» But people may not give you what you deserve. Sometimes they don’t have it; it’s just not in them. Other times, they’re jealous, competitive, or bitter from things that have nothing to do with you. It’s easy to try to defend and prove ourselves because we want people’s approval. But what if you knew they were never going to give it? If you became Superman, the greatest, kindest, most loving, and talented person ever, they’d still discredit, dismiss, or downplay who you are.
It’s much better to do what Jesus said: shake the dust off and move on. Be kind; be respectful, but don’t try to win their approval. You don’t need it; they are a distraction. When that brother disrespected David, the scripture says David turned and walked away. His attitude was, «I don’t need your respect; you don’t have to believe in me; you don’t control my destiny.» But had David tried to change Eliab’s mind and convince him that he was good and talented, he would have become so distracted by arguing and trying to win him over that he wouldn’t have heard Goliath up on the mountain. Don’t miss your assignment by trying to convince people to support you who are never going to be for you. Stop fighting battles that don’t matter; shake the dust off and move forward.
When my father went to be with the Lord and I stepped up to pastor the church, there was a man who had been close to our family and had been here for many years. He called and told me how happy he was for me, then went on to tell me how to run the church, how to lead the staff, who to hire, what I should speak on, and the changes I should make. He was very opinionated and strong; I was very insecure and quiet. But something rose up inside me like a lion. I didn’t say anything to him, but I thought, «You are not going to squeeze me into your mold. I may look weak, but you have another thing coming.» He was for me as long as I was doing what he wanted. He gave me his approval as long as I stayed in his box. The problem was I didn’t like anything he told me; it didn’t bear witness with my spirit. I had to decide: am I going to do what God’s called me to do, or am I going to try to please this man and stay in his good graces?
Now, I knew that if I did what God put in my heart, he’d get upset; he would be offended. He looked down on me, but the scripture says it is better to please God than to please people. When we come to the end of our lives, we’re not going to stand before people. We’re going to stand before God. I didn’t take his advice; I went the way I felt in my heart. He wasn’t happy; he was upset. But I’ve learned that if you try to keep everyone else happy, you’re going to be unhappy. To fulfill your assignment, there will be people who don’t approve or accept you. Understand you can’t worry about all that. I knew he was never going to give me his approval. He was never going to be for me, but that’s okay. I didn’t need his approval; I didn’t need him to cheer me on.
If I had done it his way, here’s what I know: it would have never been enough. There would always be some way I wasn’t measuring up. I would need to do more of this, enjoy less of this, be striving and straining, trying to keep him happy, making sure he respected me. That’s no way to live; take the pressure off. You don’t need people’s applause. Do what God put in your heart, and you’ll hear His applause. He’s the one that matters. Promotion doesn’t come from people; it comes from God.
And the funny thing is, all credit to God, but the church grew and we moved here into the compact center. I’ve had books and media go out all over, but He never once acknowledged it. He never once called back and said, «Joel, I’m so proud of you. It’s amazing what God has done.» My point is, he was never really for me; he was for manipulating me, controlling me. If you don’t do what I want, I’m not going to give you my approval; I’m not going to respect you. Do yourself a favor: shake that dust off and move on. Quit worrying about whether you’re going to fall out of someone’s good graces, trying to get something they’re never going to give—or if they do give it, it’s going to be conditional. «As long as you stay in my box, then I’ll approve you.» You don’t need them; they are distractions. If you’re not aware, you’ll waste time and energy trying to win them over, letting people manipulate you, and feeling frustrated. Life is too short to live that way; you have a destiny to fulfill.
There was a man in scripture named Haman. He was a high-ranking official in the Persian Empire, the right-hand man of King Xerxes. He had this prominent position, working daily with the king, and when he walked out of the palace, people would bow down to show their respect—that was their tradition. But there was a Jewish man named Mordecai who wouldn’t bow down; he would only bow to Jehovah. Well, everywhere Haman went, people would show their respect, walking down the street or going to a restaurant in the city square. People were constantly acknowledging Haman, showing him honor. You would think he wouldn’t worry about Mordecai—not giving him the time of day; one person not bowing is a big deal compared to hundreds of others who do.
But verse 5 says when Haman saw that Mordecai would not kneel down or pay him honor, he was filled with rage. He was furious—not because someone tried to harm his child or steal his funds or take his position, but all because one man wouldn’t show him respect. He was so angry, so offended. Verse 6 says he decided it wasn’t enough to just get rid of Mordecai alone; he was going to annihilate all the Jewish people. He was so consumed with trying to get something from Mordecai that he got distracted and lost his focus. Now, he’s not just upset with Mordecai; he’s going to try to wipe out tens of thousands of people because one man wouldn’t show him respect. When you look at it from the big picture, it’s almost comical. You’re going to upend your whole life and take these drastic measures because one man has offended you? One person won’t approve you, won’t celebrate your position?
The fact is, Mordecai not bowing down wouldn’t have stopped Haman’s destiny. He could have ignored it, thought, «I don’t need his respect; he doesn’t control my purpose.» But it was a trap to get him off course. Engaging in a battle that didn’t matter, trying to get something from someone they were never going to give. How many of us are like Haman, so focused on what someone won’t give us? «Joel, they won’t approve me. They don’t show me respect. They won’t compliment me. They don’t invite me to their gatherings. They don’t recognize my talent.» We can get so set on changing them, fixing them, proving to them that we get distracted and miss our assignment. You don’t need their respect. You don’t need them to be for you.
It may be someone close to you, a relative, or a coworker who should compliment you or should be grateful and show you respect. You deserve it. You have the position; you’ve been good to them. But you can’t make people give you something. You can’t make them like you or be for you. That’s a test. Are you going to get distracted, trying to get something from them that they will never give? Live upset trying to pay them back? Change their mind? Do like David, turn and walk away. Don’t pay it any attention. If you needed their respect, their validation, or their support, you would have it. God is not going to withhold any good thing you need. If they’re withholding it, they can’t stand against God. The right attitude is: «I don’t need it. Yes, I wish I had it, but God, I’m not depending on what people give or don’t give; my trust is in You. I get my value, my worth, and my encouragement from You.»
Queen Esther was a Jew, and she heard of Haman’s plan to destroy her people. She asked the king if he would have dinner with her and Haman; she was going to tell him about this plot. Haman was so happy; he was being honored by the king. Verse 10 says he gathered his friends in his home and bragged about his wealth, the honors the king had given him, and how he’d been promoted over the other leaders. How Queen Esther had invited him to a private banquet with just her and the king. He was so excited, feeling good about himself. Then he said, in the next verse, «But all this is meaningless to me as long as I see Mordecai sitting there at the palace gate.» He had all these great things going for him: position, influence, friends, honor—but one man wouldn’t show him respect. One man wouldn’t give him what he wanted. Instead of letting it go, shaking the dust off, he remained focused on it. He thought he had to fix Mordecai, if it was the last thing he did. You know it was the last thing he did. He lost his life trying to get something from someone that they were never going to give.
And I realize this was the plan of God to save the Jews, but look at the principle. When you get so focused on trying to get something from someone who doesn’t want to give it—or perhaps they don’t have it to give—then you’ll get distracted, trying to prove, convince, and pay back. Do yourself a favor: if you don’t get it, shake it off. You don’t need it. Quit counting on people to give you what only God can give. Go to Him for your approval, your validation, your worth. Because I can promise you, there will always be someone who doesn’t give you what you want, what you deserve, what they should. These are tests. We can get offended, like Haman, get distracted, and try to win them over, change their minds, or we can do like David and turn and walk away.
A friend of mine grew up in a single-parent home. At five years old, his father walked out of his life and wouldn’t have anything to do with the family or him. As a child, he longed to see his father and sought his approval, but the dad wouldn’t return his mother’s calls. As a teenager, he would send his father letters, Father’s Day cards, and birthday cards, hoping for some kind of reply, but nothing. The psalmist said God will be a father to the fatherless. Sometimes people don’t give us what they should. Children should have love, acceptance, and approval from their parents, but life can happen and people aren’t around. They never got it as children, and they don’t know how to give it. This young man never got offended. He didn’t grow up bitter, trying to prove to people he was okay. His mother always reminded him how he was made in the image of God and that he was a masterpiece approved and accepted by his heavenly Father.
At 30 years old, his father reached out and said he wanted to see him. My friend took his two little girls, flew to a different city, and showed up at the house. The wife opened the door and said, «I’m so sorry, but your dad has changed his mind. He doesn’t want to see you after all.» You can imagine how heartbreaking and discouraging that was; he finally got his hopes up to receive approval from his father, but it never happened. For some people, it’s not that they don’t want to; they just don’t have it to give. He learned that his father had been abandoned as a child, and there were all of these wounds and hurts that he had never dealt with.
The amazing thing is my friend is one of the happiest, kindest, most generous, and most talented people that you will ever meet. His children are now grown and successful. You would never know that he didn’t have a great upbringing because he learned to go to God and not to people. Get your value, worth, and approval from your heavenly Father. Because if you’re trying to get it from people, you can be disappointed. People can let you down; people have issues, things that they didn’t get. It’s easy to find fault— «Man, why wasn’t I raised in a better environment? Why won’t my spouse encourage me more? Why won’t my friend acknowledge my accomplishments? Why don’t they give me credit?» It’s almost as if they owe me something. I’m expecting you to give me this.
A better way to live is to realize that nobody owes me anything; my heavenly Father takes care of me. If not, we’re dependent on people to keep us happy—our spouse to cheer us up, our friend to make us feel valued, this coworker who needs to show me respect to feel good about myself, or that parent who walked away to acknowledge how great I am. Let them off the hook; quit going to people and start going to God.
In 2 Timothy 4, the Apostle Paul spoke about opposition and things that had come against him. He said in verse 10, «Demas has forsaken me and gone to another city.» Someone he was counting on left him. Verse 14: «Alexander the coppersmith did me great wrong, but the Lord will repay him.» Verse 16: «At my trial, no one came to support me; everyone deserted me, but the Lord stood by my side and gave me strength. The Lord will rescue me from every attack. The Lord will bring me safely through.»
Look at all the times people let him down, walked away, and weren’t loyal. He could have been bitter: «Why did this happen? Trying to pay them back?» But every time someone did him wrong, he said, «The Lord will help me. The Lord will pay me back. The Lord will rescue me. The Lord will bring me safely through.» He wasn’t depending on people; he was depending on God. If he were counting on people, he would have been discouraged and given up. Demas left him—his main man. He had been good to Demas; he’d mentored him, but he abandoned Paul and went to another city. At his trial, no one came to support him. His whole staff, friends, and followers—people he had been good to—left him alone.
There will be times when people can’t give you what you need. They are good people, but they’re busy; they’re tired. When you need them, they can’t make it. Don’t get bitter; don’t try to make them feel guilty. «Look at all I’ve done for you.» If they can’t give you what you’re looking for—the support, the encouragement, the validation—you don’t need it from them.
As you mature and grow, God will wean you off of what you used to have. Like a mother taking away a bottle so the baby can grow and eat real food, God will take away what a person is giving you so you won’t be dependent on them. You don’t need a crutch; you don’t need someone to always keep you fixed, cheered up, and motivated. That’s good for a season, but you have to learn to get that from God and not people.
Because one of your mentors may be a Demas. You thought I was going to say a demon? A Demas—that may be true too. A Demas may have left you when you really needed him, or a Peter who said to Jesus, «I’ll always be with you. You can count on me.» But when the soldier showed up, he denied knowing Jesus. Or a King Saul who invited David to the palace—he was all for him until David started getting more attention and favor. He killed a giant, and now Saul was throwing spears, jealous and trying to take David out. That’s why you can’t count on people; they can change.
It’s great when they support you, offer love, and provide compliments. Sure, God will have people who are there for you—loyal, kind, and amazing. But sometimes God pulls them back. You have to recognize what’s happening; you’re growing up. God’s getting you prepared to go to new levels. Where you’re going, you can’t depend on people; it’s between you and God.
In 2 Samuel, David told his staff that he wanted to take a census and see how many people they had. But God instructed David specifically not to count the people. One of the commanders said, «David, we can’t take a census; you know God instructed us not to do it.» David insisted, and they ended up doing it. But it’s interesting that God didn’t want them to count; He wanted David to trust in Him and not in the numbers. Don’t rely on whether people like you or respect you or are for you. Don’t count on that because sooner or later, a Demas will show up, a Saul, or a Mordecai who won’t give you what you want.
If you’re counting on people, you’ll get distracted, trying to win them over. You’ll become discouraged because they won’t do what you want. Are you trying to get something from someone who is never going to give it? Like Haman, you may frustrate yourself trying to convince this person to like you, respect you, or approve of you. Take the pressure off you don’t need their approval. Don’t lose your focus trying to get from them what only God can give. They don’t have to be for you; their disrespect will not keep you from slaying giants, from taking thrones, or from setting new standards. They don’t control your destiny.
Quit counting on people and go to God. If you’ll do this, I believe and declare that God is going to strengthen you, favor you, and fight your battles. You will rise higher, accomplish your dreams, and become all you were created to be, in Jesus' name. And if you receive it, can you say amen?