Joel Osteen - Fake Friends
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I want to talk to you today about Fake Friends. There are people that God brings into our lives who are amazing; they love us unconditionally, cheer us on, celebrate our victories, and stick with us through thick and thin. However, amidst all these great people, there will be some fake friends—people with hidden agendas and ulterior motives. They’re not concerned about you; they’re concerned about what you can do for them. They see you as an opportunity and will use control and manipulation to get what they want, making you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations.
A fake friend is two-faced; they clap when you succeed and act like they’re happy, but deep down, they’re jealous, hoping you would fail. They compliment you on your new outfit and act excited about your promotion, yet behind your back, they talk about how you didn’t deserve it and make derogatory remarks. Fake friends create unnecessary drama, stir things up, and bring confusion. They pretend to look out for you, doing you a favor, but their real agenda is to upset you and cause strife and turmoil. If you lack discernment and cannot recognize who is a true friend with your best interests at heart and who is a fake friend just here for what you can do for them, life can be frustrating.
Jesus said in Matthew 7:16, «You will know them by their fruit.» He doesn’t say, «You will know them by their words.» People can say one thing; they can talk a good game, but they aren’t always who they claim to be. Their actions and how they treat you, what they do, reveal who they truly are. You don’t have to approach an apple tree and ask it, «What kind of tree are you?» You look at the fruit; this is an apple, and I know it’s an apple tree. You’ve never gone to an apple tree and found a lemon growing on one of its branches, nor have you ever gone to an orange tree and found a banana growing from it. The tree will only produce the fruit of what it is. If someone is constantly telling you one thing, but the fruit is different, the fruit does not lie; it reveals who they are.
«Well, I’m loyal, I’m faithful, and I’m always going to be there for you,» but they never show up. They always have an excuse, and they’re always too busy. That’s who they are. If they’re gossiping, talking badly about people, or stirring up trouble, that’s showing their true colors. Pay attention to people’s fruit. «Well, Joel, they’re nice to me; they compliment me, and they say kind things,» but behind your back, when you’re not around, you hear how they talk badly about you, push you down, and discredit you.
I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt; maybe they’re having a bad day, but if it happens again and again, when it’s a pattern, their fruit is not lying. That’s who they are. The bottom line is you don’t need fake friends; you don’t need people you have to play up to—people who have hidden agendas, people who are two-faced. They’re not helping you move forward; they’re keeping you from your destiny. If you get rid of the wrong people, God will bring the right ones. Sometimes the reason we’re not seeing true friends is that we’re holding on to the wrong friends. Deep down, we know something’s not right; our discernment’s going off: «They don’t have integrity; they just stir me up, and they only want what I can do for them.»
We try to defend them and make excuses. You need to make a change. You don’t have to make a big announcement saying, «You’re fake; I’m done with you.» Just little by little, spend less and less time with them. The scripture says to redeem the time. Your time is too valuable to spend with people who drain your energy, who have hidden agendas, and who don’t really care about you, but only about what you can do for them. Life is flying by; the enemy would love for us to waste years distracted, confused, and trying to figure out what they meant. Do yourself a favor: get rid of the fake friends. You have a destiny to fulfill; there’s a calling on your life. We have a responsibility to live with purpose and not be sidetracked by people who can pull us off course.
This is what happened with Samson: his birth was predicted by the prophets; he was destined to save the Israelites. God gave him supernatural strength and the power to defeat his enemies, but Samson started hanging around the wrong people. He fell in love with a lady named Delilah; she was beautiful. He was so infatuated and so caught up that he ignored what he was feeling inside. He didn’t pay attention to the alarms that were going off. God will always give you a warning. There will be an uneasiness, an unrest; don’t push it down. That’s God speaking to you. That’s the spirit of discernment telling you, «Be careful. Something is fake; it’s not what it looks like.»
Samson was a Hebrew, and the Philistines were trying to capture him because he was so powerful. At one point, he killed a thousand Philistines by himself. They couldn’t defeat him by normal means, so they decided to try to trick him. They told Delilah to go seduce him and try to find the secret of his strength. They said in verse 5, «If you do this, we’ll each pay you 1,100 pieces of silver.» She got all dressed up, put on her fake eyelashes and hair extensions, got her new Louis Vuitton bag, and strutted in there to see Samson. He looked up and saw how beautiful she was. He thought he was dreaming. He was so caught up in how amazing she looked on the outside that he didn’t think anything about what was happening on the inside. What were her motives? Why was she there? Who was this girl?
She was so nice, kind, and beautiful. Samson thought, «This must be the hand of God.» When, in fact, it was the enemy at work. She wasn’t there because she cared about Samson; she was there because of what Samson could do for her. She had a hidden agenda; she could get paid a bunch of silver for just finding out a secret. She acted so loving: «Samson, you’re everything I’ve dreamed of. You are so good-looking. I want to spend my life with you.» All lies. What she was really thinking was, «You stink! You’re unattractive; your hair’s disgusting.»
Don’t believe everything you hear; the scripture says, «Test the spirit.» Dig down a little deeper; listen to what you’re feeling inside. Not every person is who they say they are. When there’s a hidden agenda, they’ll say what you want to hear. They’ll use manipulation, deception, and flattery to try to get what they want. She had Samson lay his head in her lap. She said, «Now, Sammy boy, if you really love me, please tell me the secret of your strength.» What’s amazing is that Samson knew she was trying to trick him. He knew she wasn’t being truthful, but he didn’t take it seriously. He thought he could play around with it. He told her, «If you tie me up with seven fresh bowstrings that have never been dried, then I will become weak and have the strength of an ordinary man.»
She snuck out and told the Philistines, and while he was sleeping, they came in and tied him up with seven fresh bowstrings. Delilah woke him up: «Samson! Samson! The Philistines are here!» She acted like it was a surprise. He sat up and broke those strings like they were nothing. Delilah was so upset; she came and said, «Samson, you lied to me. If you loved me, you would tell me the truth.» The whole time she had been lying, and she had an ulterior motive. She was working for the enemy. Now she’s trying to make him feel guilty for not telling this secret.
This happened two more times. Samson made up scenarios where he could be captured, but it wasn’t the truth. You would think Samson would see right through this. This girl is not for me; she’s in it for herself, for what she can get out of me. That seemed obvious. She’s a fake, she’s two-faced. She’s saying she loves Samson to his face, but behind his back, she’s telling the enemy how to capture him. Look at this pattern: three times she’s done something so obvious to show her true colors. She asked him the secret, then ran to tell the Philistines.
How could Samson not see that she was a phony? Sometimes, you need to step back and examine relationships— which ones have a pattern of causing you trouble, a pattern of bringing strife and drama, where you feel guilty and used. Perhaps you have a Delilah, a person who’s saying one thing but meaning something else, with a hidden agenda using you for their gain. On the outside, they may have great qualities—looks, position, charm—but what’s going on on the inside? What’s happening behind the scenes? If there’s a pattern of things that are not right: a lack of integrity, a pattern of feeling guilty—it’s always my fault, I’m not enough—a pattern of manipulation and drama, where you’re having to defend yourself, recognize what’s happening.
A fake friend is going to drain your energy, take your peace, and cloud your vision. The best thing you can do is put up some boundaries. Stop allowing them to manipulate you. Quit letting them get that close to you. Don’t share those secrets or hidden dreams that you know they’re going to use against you. And I’m not saying they’re a bad person; they just don’t have your best interest at heart. They may be kind, tell you nice things, and say they care about you—so did Delilah. You have to judge them by their actions, not by what they say. Look at the track record, study the patterns. Ask yourself, why do I always feel drained when I spend time with them? Why am I having to constantly defend myself? Why do I feel betrayed when I tell them something in confidence? Samson kept overriding all these signs of a fake friend with a hidden agenda, and he had plenty of opportunities to make a change, but he didn’t do it.
Delilah kept asking and pleading with him, «Samson, you know how much I love you! How could you do me this way? Tell me the secret of your strength.» Verse 17 says she pressed him very hard with her words day after day until his soul was vexed unto death. That means she nagged and nagged until he couldn’t take it anymore. This time, he told her the truth: if you cut my hair, I’ll lose my strength. They cut it and captured him. That was it; she got her pieces of silver, and he ended up bound and missed his destiny. I realize that not every fake friend is going to be this dramatic, but the principle is there: they don’t have your best interest at heart. It’s all about what you can do for them. They’ll pretend and charm, trying to make you feel bad when you don’t do what they want.
Recognize what’s happening: a true friend doesn’t pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do. They don’t try to manipulate you into getting their way. Those are people with hidden agendas and ulterior motives. They play up to you to get on your good side and build your trust, because eventually, they’re going to try to get something from you. I pray every day, «God, give me discernment. Help me to see things for what they really are. Help me to know who doesn’t have good motives, who’s trying to manipulate, who’s pretending, who’s two-faced.»
I heard someone say, «I asked God to protect me from my enemies, and I started losing friends.» Sometimes, it’s not the enemy holding us back; it’s fake friends and deceitful people that we allow into our lives who don’t have good motives and are only out for what we can do for them. If you’re going to fulfill your destiny, you have to be strong and take control of your life. You have a responsibility to redeem your time, to use the gifts God has given you, and to make the most of each day, as the Apostle Paul tells us.
When my father went to be with the Lord and I stepped up to pastor the church, I was very insecure and didn’t know if I could do it. This was all new to me, and I’d never ministered before. There was a man I had grown up with who was a part of the church, a friend of our family, and a good man. I believe he had good intentions, but he saw this as an opportunity to take the church where he wanted it to go. He would encourage me and tell me I was doing good, but there was always this underlying message that I needed to do more of this and less of that. I felt this pressure that I was being squeezed into a mold I didn’t want to be in. It wasn’t anything overtly critical or negative; it was just the feeling I would get from him, little subtle innuendos. You know, «Joel, it would really be good if you did it this way,» or «I think you’d be better off doing it this other way.» I’m all for taking advice and getting good counsel, but only you can hear what God is saying to your spirit. God may confirm what He’s saying through other people, but God is not going to tell someone else what you need to do for your life. He’s not going to give them direction; He’s going to come straight to you.
See, in the Old Testament, God would speak to the prophet to tell the people what to do, but since Jesus came, the Holy Spirit lives on the inside of each one of us. You don’t need a prophet, a priest, a rabbi, a pastor, or a friend; God will speak directly to you. And yes, He can use people, but deep down, you know what bears witness to your spirit. Nothing this man was telling me felt right. Over time, he got more and more outspoken. I’m very nice—I like to please people—but something rose up in me so strongly. I thought to myself, «I’m not going to be who you want me to be; I’m going to be who God called me to be.» Because when we come to the end of life, we’re not going to answer to people; we’re going to answer to God.
I was nice; I was kind, but I didn’t let him pressure me into his mold. Eventually, he got upset and left the church, and we had a party. I mean, we were so relieved. I don’t mean this derogatorily, but he was a fake friend. He didn’t want what was best for me; he wanted to manipulate me into doing what he wanted. All those times he was encouraging me, it wasn’t out of a pure spirit; there was a hidden agenda—"I need to win Joel over so I can get my way.»
I can tell you this: if I had not been strong and taken control of my life, I wouldn’t be up here today. If I had not listened to the discernment, if I had pushed down that feeling that this is not right, it doesn’t bear witness, and just given in to what he wanted, letting him control me, I would have missed what God called me to do. It’s good to evaluate why we do things. Am I doing this out of guilt because this person is going to look down on me if I don’t? That’s a fake friend. A true friend wants the best for you. A true friend will get in agreement with what God put in your heart and cheer you on, even if it’s not what they were hoping for. Yes, they may challenge you; they may give you good advice, but they’re not going to pressure you or try to make you feel bad if you don’t do what they want. If not, it’s manipulation.
Too many of us are letting other people run our lives—all the demands, the expectations. If I don’t stop by Joel’s, they’ll get their feelings hurt. If I don’t call them three times a week, they’re not going to be happy. Here’s the key: you’re not responsible for keeping everyone happy; your responsibility is to keep yourself happy, keep yourself peaceful, and keep yourself focused. If you have a friend who always stirs things up, brings drama, or gets you upset—“Did you hear what they said about you?”—you shouldn’t let that happen. Can I tell you? You don’t need that friend; they’re a peace stealer, a drama queen. You have enough drama in your life—you don’t need them adding to it.
Some people’s hidden agenda is to stir things up, turn you against your coworker, get you jealous of your neighbor, or critical of your cousin. You don’t have time for that. They don’t have your best interests at heart; that’s a fake friend. Their goal is to create chaos and discontentment. When they’re around, there’s always some kind of trouble. But God is not the author of confusion. Your friends shouldn’t drain you or upset you. True friends bring peace. True friends bring joy. You’re better off when they leave, not worse.
We all know Judas; he was the most famous fake friend. He was one of Jesus' disciples. He traveled with Jesus, saw the miracles, witnessed Lazarus come back to life, saw the food multiplied, and saw Jesus going around being good to people—all this love and compassion. You would think Judas would be loyal, trustworthy, someone you could count on. But when Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane, about to be crucified, Judas came with the Roman soldiers to betray Him. When he saw Jesus, he said, «Hello, Rabbi, ” and kissed Him. It seemed like a friendly greeting, a warm embrace.
Look at how people can be two-faced; the kiss was a sign for the soldiers to arrest Jesus. Behind the friendly greeting was a hidden agenda. Jesus knew all along what was going to happen. After the kiss, Jesus said to Judas in verse 50, „Do what you came to do, friend.“ He called Judas „friend.“ He could have called him „enemy, ” „betrayer, ” or „hypocrite, ” but he called him „friend.“ Jesus was showing us that not everyone who calls you friend is truly a friend. Some people who seem supportive have hidden agendas. They see all the good you do; they see you loving your family, excelling at work, and being a blessing to others. Instead of celebrating you and cheering you on, sometimes the enemy will plant a seed of jealousy, a seed of bitterness, or a seed of strife.
We all have a few enemies in life—people who don’t want us to succeed. But sometimes the enemy is not obvious; it’s a fake friend. It’s a Judas—someone who greets us warmly but has wrong motives. Someone who gives us that friendly kiss—not out of affection, but out of betrayal. Pay attention to your enemies, but stay aware of your friends. It may not be something so dramatic as Judas betraying Jesus, but friends can be jealous, manipulative, and possess wrong motives. Again, it doesn’t mean they’re bad people, and you have to never see them again. No. But you should be aware so you don’t open yourself up to harm. The scripture says, „Don’t cast your pearls among swine.“ Your pearls are your gifts, your dreams, your personality.
And I’ve learned some people can’t handle your success; they were fine as long as you were at the same level in the same department. You’re still single, but if you surpass them and see more favor—get married, move into that nicer house—that can stir them up. They may applaud you on the outside, but on the inside, they think they don’t deserve that promotion, saying „I’m smarter than they are,“ or „I’m so happy you got married; that’s exciting!“ But inside, they’re envious, thinking, „How in the world did you get that guy? You are not that attractive.“
A true friend will celebrate your success; they aren’t competing with you or secretly hoping you’ll fail. You don’t need people like that. If you see signs of people being critical, they’re not for you. Sometimes you just feel it inside that something’s not right. Don’t make excuses for them; don’t try to win them over. Just move forward, and God will bring you friends who celebrate you—friends who are genuinely happy when you succeed. I’m sure you have some of those amazing friends now, people you dearly love and can always count on. However, I would guess that you may have a few fake friends as well. The key is to know the difference; you need to recognize when Judas is among you. Jesus never got rid of him; he was part of his destiny. But he knew who the fake friend was.
You don’t bring a fake friend into your inner circle. You don’t share things that are confidential and that you don’t want repeated. You don’t let them control or manipulate you; you set boundaries. Don’t waste your valuable time trying to keep them happy. These may be co-workers who will be there for the next 10 years or family members and relatives you know have hidden agendas. They act like they like you, but you know better—they don’t want you to succeed. That’s okay; you have the grace to handle it. Don’t let them upset you; don’t take the bait when they try to stir you up. Don’t get offended when they leave you out. Stay in peace; you know who they are—they’re just fake friends.
Jesus came riding into Jerusalem on that donkey on Palm Sunday, as we’ve been talking about, and the people shouted, „Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!“ They were celebrating his arrival with all this praise and cheering. Yet three days later, the same people were shouting, „Crucify him! He’s not our king!“ Jesus had to deal with a lot of fake friends. In our journey, we will encounter some fake friends; you can’t get rid of them entirely. But you need to be aware: Are you spending time and energy trying to keep people happy who have ulterior motives? Are you doing things out of guilt or pressure? When they don’t meet your demands, do they get upset?
Perhaps you have some Delilahs—people with hidden agendas trying to take advantage of you, wanting only what you can do for them. Pay attention to who’s in your life; listen to the warnings. Don’t override that feeling of uneasiness—that’s God speaking to you. Remember, you will know them by their fruit, not by their words, but by their actions. Notice patterns that are off; things that never seem to change. You don’t have time to waste playing games or being distracted. That may have happened in the past, but this is a new day. God is going to show you people with hidden agendas; he’s going to reveal wrong motives. You don’t have to be rude to them; just quietly spend less and less time with them. If you weed out the wrong people, I believe and declare that God will bring you true friends—people who want the best for you, who push you forward, who are loyal and trustworthy, and who help you become all you were created to be. In Jesus' name, if you receive it, can you say amen?