Joel Osteen — Don't Rely On People
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I want to talk to you today about not relying on people. It's great when people believe in us and cheer us on and make us feel valuable. We love when our spouse compliments us, a friend is there to give encouragement, our co-worker stays late to help us on a project. God uses people to help move us toward our destiny.
But here's the key. You can't become so dependent on people that you're getting your worth and value out of how they treat you. It's easy to become addicted to compliments, addicted to encouragement, addicted to them cheering you on.
Now, you rely on them to keep you feeling good about yourself, to always be there to validate you, to make you feel approved. Like a drug, if they don't keep you fixed, meet all your expectations, you get discouraged, feel inferior, work overtime to try to win their approval.
The problem is, you're trying to get from people what only God can give. Your worth, your value, doesn't come from another person. It comes from your Creator, and if you rely on people you'll be disappointed. People will let you down. People will get busy and not be there when you need it. Sometimes people will even turn on you.
In the scripture, Peter was Jesus' close friend. They were with each other day and night. But when Jesus needed Peter the most, when he was about to be crucified, Peter denied that he even knew Christ. Jesus could have been upset. "God, I don't understand it. Why wasn't my friend there for me"? He would have missed his destiny.
Quit relying on people. What they do or don't do doesn't determine your worth. What they give you or don't give you cannot stop your purpose. God breathed his life into you. He has crowned you with his favor. Quit waiting for people to approve you and start approving yourself. People may not encourage you. You could encourage yourself. People may not make you feel special. You can make yourself feel special. "I'm a child of the most high God. I know I'm crowned with favor. I'm one of a kind. I'm a masterpiece".
You'll have better relationships if you'll start validating yourself. If you're always depending on somebody else, you'll become needy, a burden, waiting for other people to keep you fixed. Can I tell you, your friends, family members, they have enough problems of their own. They have enough issues that they're dealing with to not come home and have to work on you for 3 hours. That's not only hurting you, it's unfair to the people God put in your life. They're not responsible for your happiness. They're not responsible to keep you cheered up.
Don't put that extra pressure on them. Learn to receive your value, your self-worth, from your Heavenly Father. If you're basing that off of what people give you, then if they change their mind, if they stop doing it, you'll feel devalued. But when you go to God for it, nobody can take it away. It's not dependent on how somebody treats you, how they make you feel, how many compliments they give you. It's dependent on the fact that you're a child of almighty God and you know he has already approved you. That's where you're getting your value.
"Well, Joel, my parents didn't raise me right. I didn't have a good childhood," or "My spouse never compliments me," "My boss didn't give me the credit that I deserve". I say this respectfully: if you didn't get it, you didn't need it. They can't stop your destiny. What they say or do cannot override God's plan for your life. Shake off the negativity.
That person that walked away, did you wrong, made hurtful comments, shake off the disrespect. Don't believe the lies that you're not talented enough, attractive enough, good enough. They don't determine your value. They can't lessen your self-worth. The only power people have over you is the power that you give them.
Jesus had all kinds of people come against him: politicians, religious leaders, haters, critics, trying to discredit him, make him feel inferior, cause him to give up. He could have taken the bait, thought, "I must not be too special, listen to what they're saying. Look at how they're treating me". But Jesus understood this principle. He knew his value didn't come from people, it came from his Heavenly Father, and he said to them in John chapter 5, "Your approval or disapproval means nothing to me". He was saying, "I don't need your approval to feel good about myself. I don't have to have your encouragement, your support, to keep me moving forward".
Paul said it this way in Philippians: "I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency". Not in our own strength but when we know the Creator of the universe lives in us, he's equipped us, empowered us, anointed us, we can put our shoulders back, hold our head up high, knowing that if God approves us, we don't have to have people's approval, and it's good when people encourage us, when they cheer us on.
What I'm saying is don't become dependent on that. If somebody's not giving you what you expect, they're not validating you, that's okay. You can validate yourself. You can approve yourself. You are self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency. You can feel good about who you are, knowing that God hand-picked you, created you in his image, put seeds of greatness on the inside. What am I saying? You don't need somebody else's praise. You don't have to have people's applause. You have the applause from the one who matters most, from the God who spoke worlds into existence. I'd rather have his applause than people's applause.
"Well, if I could convince this person to like me, they know a lot of people, then maybe some new doors would open". The scripture says: "Promotion doesn't come from people, it comes from the Lord". God knows where all the opportunities are. He can make things happen for you without you having to convince somebody to like you. You don't have to play up to people, try to win their favor. If they don't want to be your friend, it's their loss and not yours. Do yourself a favor and keep moving forward. They're not a part of your destiny.
God has divine connections, people he's already lined up. They're already in your future. Sometimes the reason people don't give us what we need is because they don't have it. Nobody gave it to them. They didn't see it modeled, growing up. If they weren't raised showing affection, with people expressing feelings, being good to each other, the problem is they don't have it to give, and if you're trying to get it from them, you're going to be frustrated. Why don't you let them off the hook and go to God for what they can't give you?
Here's the key. God has it all. If you'll learn this principle to not rely on people, but to go to him for your encouragement, for your approval, for your self-worth, then you won't live stressed out because somebody is not giving you what you expect. If nobody's complimenting you, you can compliment yourself. Get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror. "Good morning, you good-looking thing," call it by faith. God calls you a masterpiece.
Say what God says about you: "I'm strong. I'm healthy. I'm one of a kind. I'm highly favored". You have to build yourself up, encourage yourself, compliment yourself. You cannot rely on your spouse, your parents, your coach, your teacher, your pastor. They may mean well, they couldn't love you any more, but no person can meet all of your needs. Only God can.
If you're just looking to people, eventually you're going to become resentful, bitter, start holding that against them. It will sour the relationship, and the truth is, it's not their fault. Maybe they have issues, they could be doing better in areas. But if you'll not rely on people, instead go to God, then you won't be dependent on what somebody does. If they're not giving you what you need and that was the only way to get it, they would control your destiny.
God didn't design the plan for your life and say, "Okay, it's all dependent on if these other people do what's right, if they encourage you, if they cheer you on, if they never let you down". No, God put everything you need within your power, and instead of us living needy, "Oh man, why don't they compliment me? Why won't they be my friend"? The right attitude is, "Nobody owes me anything. I don't have to have people's credit, their applause, their support, their compliments. I am self-sufficient. I know where to go for everything that I need".
My father was raised very poor on a cotton farm during the great depression. He didn't have enough food, hardly any clothes, a limited education. Was a very rough childhood. At the age of 17, my dad gave his life to Christ and he left the farm and went out and started ministering.
Years later, when he was in his 40s and had become a successful minister, he started thinking about how he was raised and all the things he had to endure. He wondered why his parents didn't give him a better childhood, why he had to go without food and without a good education, and all these negative memories filled his mind and he started thinking, "That wasn't right. They should have done better. They didn't give me what I needed".
He got so stirred up about it, he was about to travel back to his parents' home town and confront his parents and tell them what he thought. Just before he left, he heard something on the inside saying, "They did you wrong, didn't they"? He said, "Yeah, they sure did". It said, "It wasn't fair, was it? They didn't give you what you needed". He answered, "No, it wasn't fair". "You're going to let them have it"? "Yeah, I'm going to let them have it".
Then the voice said, "How do you think you would have done if you would have been in their shoes with no income, with the banks closing, with nobody to buy the cotton, with six children to raise, no electricity, no washing machines, no modern-day conveniences"? That conversation changed my father's perspective. He realized his parents did the best they could with what they had. They couldn't give him what they didn't have.
Why don't you let the people in your life off the hook? Maybe they did the best they could. They may have made decisions that you don't understand, feels like it put you at a disadvantage but you didn't have to walk in their shoes. Maybe nobody gave them what they needed to give to you. Bottom line, nobody owes you anything. God is keeping all the records.
He has seen everything that's happened in your life: the injustice, the bad breaks, the person that did you wrong. Those people cannot pay you back. They cannot make you whole. Only God can. He said he would give you beauty for the ashes. He would pay you back double for the unfair things that have happened.
Quit looking to people to make it up to you. Quit trying to get somebody to apologize, to admit they were wrong, to give you what they don't have. If you'll go to God, he'll bring you out better. He'll make the rest of your life more rewarding, more fulfilling, than it would have been if that hadn't have happened in the first place, and that's what my father did. He let it go. He realized his parents couldn't give him what they didn't have.
Daddy went on to live a blessed, prosperous, successful life, and when you let people off the hook and quit trying to make them perform perfectly and keep you fixed, not only will their life be better, but your relationships will improve. No matter how good of a person is, they can't give you everything that you need.
I realize I can't meet every one of Victoria's needs. I can do my best. I can compliment her, encourage her, treat her with respect, but I'm human. I have flaws, shortcomings. If she just looks to me, she'll be disappointed. But if you'll look to God, you'll never be disappointed. No person has 100%.
I've heard it said, in a relationship the most the other person will have is 80% what you need. There will always be 20% that they don't have to give you. The mistake we make is we leave the 80 to go find the 20 in somebody else. The problem is that next person will be missing 20% as well. Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Joel, my wife is missing a lot more than 20%". Think of it this way. If she had more, she wouldn't I'm sticking with the ladies.
Part of the 20% that I'm missing that Victoria needs is I don't like to talk a lot. You see me up here and I seem outgoing but in private I'm more quiet and reserved. Small talk is not one of my favorite things and, yes, at home we talk and laugh and have fun together but Victoria and her family, they can talk for hours. They enjoy each other.
We were having lunch one time at our house with all of her family and, after about 30 minutes, when I'd finished eating, I asked to be excused and I went to the back and watched the football game. Three and a half hours later, I came back and they were still sitting at the table. Nobody had moved. I was so amazed. I asked them, "Did y'all go somewhere"? Victoria said, "No, we didn't go anywhere". I said, "What are you talking about"? Victoria said, "Nothing".
They talk about nothing longer than anybody I know. But the key to a good relationship is to recognize the other person's strengths and weaknesses, then give them room to be who they are. Don't try to squeeze them into your mold. What I appreciate about Victoria is she doesn't say, "Joel, come in here and visit with us for 3-1/2 hours or I'll get upset. I'll give you the cold shoulder". She recognizes that's a part of the 20% that I don't have.
I thank God every day that I didn't get it. But Victoria, she doesn't try to squeeze me into her mold and, even more importantly, she doesn't try to get something from me that I don't have.
If you're relying on another person to meet all your needs and become everything in your life, you're going to be disappointed. You have to let them off the hook. Sometimes, God will let us go through seasons where we're not getting what we expect from people. On purpose, he'll have them withhold it to teach us to not rely on another person but to get our encouragement, our value, our worth, from him.
When I first started ministering back in 1999, I was very insecure, very unsure of myself. I had never done it. My dad had that heart attack and went to be with the Lord and I stepped up to pastor the church. I was so concerned about what people thought and was I doing it good enough, were they going to accept me.
After the services, when I'd talk with visitors and different people, I lived off of people's compliments. "Joel, that was good today. I really enjoyed it". Those comments were like water to a thirsty soul. I was getting my approval, my validation, from people and, you know, God uses that to keep us going and keep us moving.
But at some point, like a mother weans a baby off a bottle so the child can grow up, God is going to wean you off having to have people's compliments, people's applause. Doesn't mean it's never going to happen. It means you're going to get to a place where you're not dependent on someone else cheering you on so you can feel good about yourself. You're not dependent on them complimenting you and keeping you encouraged. It's nice to hear but you've developed this self-sufficiency. You don't rely on people for their approval, you go to God for your approval.
The first year that I started ministering at Lakewood, every time I got up to speak, people would cheer for me. They were very encouraging, very loyal and supportive. Every time I walked off the platform, Victoria would say, "Joel, that was amazing today. You did so good". Could have been the worst message in the world but I could always count on her to tell me it was good, and I know sometimes she was lying but I needed it back then.
One day, I'd just finished my message, about a year in, and I walked off the platform and Victoria didn't say a word. I stood there and waited and waited, gave her plenty of opportunity. Still nothing. I thought, "Well, she's just preoccupied, thinking about something else". I went out to visit with the visitors and talk with different people. Not one person complimented me on my sermon. Usually, every other person says something, just being polite.
I thought they were playing a trick on me. I left there so discouraged. I got home. My little dog can hear our car coming in. She's always at the back door, so happy to see me, jumping up on me. I opened the door. My dog wasn't even there. I walked over. She was in her bed and she looked up at me, barely opened her eyes, like, "Oh, it's just you," and closed her eyes, went back to sleep.
God will use your dog even to work on you. Looking back now, I realize God was teaching me to not rely on what people think, and to have to have their applause and their approval. If I had not learned that back then, I wouldn't be standing here today because the higher God takes you, there will be more disapproval, more opposition, more critics. If you're basing your worth and value on how people are treating you and how much they're cheering you on and you're trying to keep all of them happy, you'll never become everything God created you to be.