Jeff Schreve - The Truth About Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage
Today, we want to talk about something that is very important, very personal, and very, perhaps, painful for some. It’s the issue of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Matthew chapter 19, we’re getting toward the end of Jesus’s earthly ministry. He has traveled from the region of the Galilee, and He’s coming down south, and He’s in a place. It’s called «Beyond the Jordan». It’s Peraea, and from Peraea, He’s gonna end up going to Jerusalem for the last time and be arrested and crucified.
Says this in Matthew 19, verse 1, «When Jesus had finished these words, He departed from Galilee and came into the region of Judea beyond the Jordan;» as Peraea, «and large crowds followed Him, and He healed them. Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing him and asking, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all? ' And He answered and said, 'Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate».
What is God’s word on marriage, divorce, and remarriage? What does He have to say about it? What is His mind? What is His heart on the matter? I want to share with you in this passage, Matthew chapter 19, I want to share three insights from Jesus’s answer concerning marriage, divorce, and remarriage. And we’ll take them in that order. We’ll talk about marriage, then we’ll talk about divorce, then we’ll talk about remarriage. So insight number one, God created marriage to be a blessing and a cornerstone of life and society. Before the Lord set up government, before He set up the church, before He set up schools and education, He set up the institution of marriage.
On day six, when He created Adam and Eve, He set up marriage. He was the one who walked Eve down the aisle to Adam, and He created it to be a blessing and a cornerstone for society. This is how society is going to function through marriage and family, «Be fruitful and multiply,» He told Adam and Eve, «and fill the earth». So some things to note about marriage. Number one marriage is between one man and one woman. And God is the one that created marriage, so God can tell us what it is. And He says it’s between a man and a woman. «For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh».
Secondly, marriage is the only sanctioned arena for sex. It’s the only one that God set up to say, okay, because who created sex? God. And where did He create sex to be enjoyed? He created it to be enjoyed in the confines, the safe confines of marriage. He created it for procreation and for pleasure.
Thirdly, marriage is designed for life, designed for life. So when Jesus goes back, he’s talking about marriage, and there’s nothing in Genesis 2 and 3 that has anything to do with divorce. This is one man, one woman for life. «The two shall become one flesh». And Jesus adds, you know, He says, «What God has joined together, let no man separate». Now, it doesn’t say who God has joined together. He says, what God has joined together. God has sanctified marriage and He has consecrated marriage. And He says, when you come before me and get married, well then, what I have put together, don’t ever separate that.
And then fourthly, marriage is the norm for most people. It’s not exclusive, every single person is supposed to get married. But it’s the norm for most people. So when Jesus gives the answer, as we get into divorce, when Jesus gives the answer, the disciples hear it, and they ask Him privately, as we learn from Mark’s Gospel. Beginning in verse 10, they say, «If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it’s better not to marry». Jesus, we are always taught that Hillel was right. You could divorce your wife for any cause, for any reason. She burns the toast, finds somebody more attractive than her. She’s mean to your mother, whatever she does, you just find some reason, you dump her. Here’s a certificate of divorce, get out. And I’m gonna marry this other.
We were taught that was okay. But now you’re saying that’s not okay. And so if this is the case, maybe it’s better not to marry at all. Verse 11, «But He said to them, 'Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs, '» those who cannot perform sexually, «there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb». They have some kind of deformity, some kind of difficulty there, and they can’t have sexual relations. «There are eunuchs who are born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven». And the Lord says, «He who is able to accept this, let him accept it».
Well, not everybody can do that, obviously. Most people want to get married, they have a desire to get married. And the Bible even says in 1 Timothy about widows, younger widows, «Don’t put a younger widow on the list unless she’s at least 60 years old». Why? Because she still wants to be married, and let her get married. And the Bible says in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, it’s better to marry than to burn with desire, than to burn with passion. God created marriage to be a blessing. It is the best. It is wonderful to have that partner in life, and it’s a cornerstone of society. That’s how society functions, with marriage and family. Second insight, God permitted divorce for very specific reasons, permitted divorce for very specific reasons. Okay, go back to the question.
Verse 3, «Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him, and asking Him, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all? '» Well, Jesus doesn’t really answer that directly right off the bat. He just goes back to Genesis. So if you’re gonna have trouble with his answer, you’re gonna have trouble with the Word of God. They didn’t wanna have trouble with the Word of God, because He just took them back to Genesis. This is what God created. You’re asking me about marriage and divorce? This is what God created. Marriage is designed between a man and a woman to last for a lifetime.
And so they say in verse 7, after He gives His answer. «They said to Him, 'Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND HER AWAY? '» Give her a certificate of divorce in caps, because that is referring back to Deuteronomy 24. «He said to them, 'Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.'» Going back to the beginning, the origins of marriage, the blueprints of marriage, no divorce. And so they say, well, listen, let’s talk. We wanna talk about divorce, Jesus.
So let’s talk about God’s attitude toward divorce. Number one, God hates divorce. That’s very clear in scripture. He hates divorce. He does not hate the divorced. Very important to know that. He loves the divorce. He hates divorce. And this is what He says in Malachi chapter 2. I like it in the Good News Bible. «So make sure that none of you breaks his promise to his wife. 'I hate divorce, ' says the LORD God of Israel. 'I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing to his wife. Make sure that you do not break your promises to be faithful to your wife.'»
Now remember this about divorce. Divorce is always awful, but it’s not always sinful. Not always sinful. That’s why when people come, they’ll say to the church, and they’ll make the accusation of the church. Well, you preachers, you don’t ever talk about divorce, and you have a lot of divorced people in the church, and you need to come down hard on the divorced people. Divorce is always awful. Anybody that’s been divorced will tell you, this was awful. This was so painful. This was so hurtful. It’s always awful, but it’s not always sinful. Now somebody has sinned for the marriage to end in divorce. But one party can be faithful to the marriage, faithful to the marriage vows, and the other party is not. And it leaves that person with no choice but divorce.
Now it’s always awful, but it’s not always sinful. How can we say it’s not always sinful? Because God divorced Israel. Jeremiah chapter 3, verse 8: «Judah saw that I sent unfaithful Israel away because of her adultery and that I gave Israel her divorce papers. But treacherous Judah, her sister, wasn’t afraid. She also acted like a prostitute». Interesting, God never divorced Judah. He sent Judah away in captivity 586 BC to Babylon. He never divorced Judah. We have lost the ten tribes of Israel, because God divorced them. And He divorced them because of their idolatry, their adultery, spiritual adultery. So it’s always awful. If you’ve talked to somebody that’s gone through a divorce, you know, there’s just such tremendous pain there. It’s awful. I have walked through that with people, and to see the faces of people going through divorce, and the tears. And it’s easier.
Listen, as bad as it is to lose your spouse through death. There’s no rejection there, your spouse dies and you’re heartbroken. But when your spouse steps out on you, when your spouse says I don’t want to be with you anymore, there is such tremendous rejection there. There’s such pain there. It’s awful. It’s awful. God’s heart broke when He divorced Israel, but it wasn’t sin on God’s part to do that. Israel left Him no choice. And so divorce is permitted, but it’s never commanded. This is where they got all fouled up. Why did Moses command us to do that? Jesus said, Moses never commanded you to do that. He permitted you because of the hardness of your heart.
So this is what they were referring to Deuteronomy 24. «When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes,» why is that? «Because he has found some indecency in her». And that’s the issue. What does that mean indecency in her? Rabbi Shammai said, well, that indecency is sexual immorality, and Hillel says that indecency is, she burned the toast. That’s a pretty big difference.
«Some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house, and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance».
What does that deal with in Deuteronomy 24? The command is, if you divorce your wife, and she attaches herself to somebody else in marriage, you cannot marry her again, you cannot take her back. That’s the command. He permitted them to do that. Why? Jesus said, «Because of the hardness of your heart». God didn’t set up marriage to be like that. But see God set up marriage, Genesis chapter 2. What happens in Genesis chapter 3? You have the fall of man. What’s one of the ramifications and the consequences of Adam and Eve’s sin? You’re gonna have trouble in marriage. Eve’s desire is going to be for her husband. That doesn’t mean a sexual desire. That wouldn’t be a consequence of sin. That would be a blessing, right? Her desire shall be for her husband. That doesn’t mean desire for him physically. That means a desire to control him. And there’s a battle for who’s gonna be in control. And in marriage, you have a battle and the woman is to serve her husband.
See to it that she respects her husband. Her husband is called the leader, but he is to be a loving leader. He is to nourish his wife, and cherish his wife, and love his wife. And we don’t do that as men. And women don’t respect their husbands. And it’s love and respect, and it all falls apart. And because of that, people get to the place where they’re like, I can’t do this anymore. And so divorce was permitted, never commanded. There are specific reasons, biblical reasons for divorce. Number one, divorce is permissible in cases of unrepentant adultery. Jesus gives the exception in Matthew 19:19. «And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for immorality,» except for porneia, «sexual immorality, and marries another woman, commits adultery».
Secondly, divorce is permissible in cases of abandonment. Now, Jesus didn’t talk about this in His earthly ministry, but He spoke through Paul on this issue, and He talked about a Christian married to an unbeliever. And he says in 1 Corinthians 7:15, «Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace». And so the picture would be here that you have these two people, they’re married, and one of the parties becomes a Christian, and the other party says, oh, I never would have married you had I known you were gonna become a Christian. I don’t want any of that. I’m out of here.
Well, that Christian is therefore, they have grounds for divorce. Maybe the party that leaves doesn’t. Well, you take care of all this. I’m not gonna divorce you. I’m gonna make you do it. Well, you have grounds to do that because you’ve been abandoned, and then you’re free to remarry in the Lord. You’re not under bondage. If there is unrepentant adultery, if there is abandonment, and the third one, and the Bible doesn’t go specifically into this. But I believe this is the heart of the Lord.
Divorce is permissible in cases of abuse, because the Bible says God has called us to peace. He’s not called any woman to be the punching bag for her husband. If you’re married to a Christian, here’s the thing guys that we need to remember. If you’re married to a Christian lady, you have married God’s daughter. You start messing around with God’s daughter, well, you’re going to have to deal with God. So I believe divorce is permissible, in scripture, unrepentant adultery, obviously. Abandonment, obviously. And the abuse, it just makes sense to me based on the character and nature of God. So question number three or issue number three, this is marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Insight number three, God allows for remarriage in cases of scriptural divorce.
Now, I think that some people can get divorced because maybe they are not grounds for continual, unrepentant adultery. Maybe there’s not abandonment, maybe there’s not abuse. Maybe the home life has just become so awful, and so toxic, and so terrible, that one party says I just can’t do this anymore. What do you need to do in that situation? The Bible I think tells us, you need to separate yourself from that, and you can separate yourself from that. 1 Corinthians 7, 10 and 11. «But to the married I give instruction, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not send his wife away».
I think you can separate. I would prefer a separation versus a legal divorce. But even if you had to divorce, ok, so the scripture says, okay, you divorced, but you’re still connected to that person, you remain unmarried. He said, well, I don’t really like that. Well, we’re trying to speak the truth in love. What does God say about it? He allows for remarriage in cases of spiritual divorce. And He says in verse 9, «Whoever marries a woman, except in the case of immorality, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery».
So if you have no grounds for divorce, no scriptural biblical grounds for divorce, you can’t get remarried. And remarriage after an unbiblical divorce is adultery. That’s what the Lord calls it. You’re committing adultery, because the two became one flesh, and you’re not allowed to just say, well, I didn’t like that, so I’m gonna go with somebody else. You can’t do that before the Lord. You say, well, I don’t like that. And you say, well, Jeff, what does that mean for me? Because I didn’t know this stuff when I got divorced. Here’s the thing. I believe that it’s an act of adultery, not perpetual adultery. It’s an act of adultery. If you got divorced, unbiblically, unscripturally got divorced, and you married somebody else, that was an act of adultery.
That doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to divorce that person now, because all of a sudden the light came on. And even though you’ve been married for 20 years, well, honey, sorry. According to the Word of God, we got to get divorced. Remember, God hates divorce. And so here’s what you do. You bring that before the Lord, and maybe you didn’t know any of this stuff before. You bring it before the Lord and say, Lord, I didn’t understand this. I didn’t understand the sacredness of marriage when I got married, and when I got remarried. And I didn’t divorce for biblical reasons, I just divorced because I just couldn’t live with that person anymore. They made me mad. I just got sick of them.
And so here I am and I’m remarried. Lord, I just wanna confess this is sin. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I do now. And Lord, you say it’s adultery. And Lord, we just confess that as sin. And 1 John 1:9. «If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness». And God will forgive you. What did Jesus do in John 8 with a woman caught in the very act of adultery? The law said to stone her. Did he stone her? No. He said, «Let the one who is without sin, cast the first stone». Well, they all left. They were all had sin. Jesus could have stoned her. He didn’t stone her. He said, «Where are all your accusers? Did anyone condemn you»? She said, «No one Lord». He said, «Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more. Go and sin no more».
And so for the remarried that got remarried, and you didn’t have biblical reasons to get divorced, God forgives, there is grace. You can’t go back and unscramble eggs, but you can start right now and say this is going to be my last marriage. I’m gonna make this work by God’s grace. And listen, you will have trouble in marriage, because every marriage does. You know, guys, you married a sinner. And ladies, you married a bigger one. You get two big sinners together, and you’re just gonna have trouble, and there are gonna be issues, and at the core of every single person, we all deal with selfishness. And selfishness is a marriage killer.
And so we have to work through all of that. And there are bumps in the road, and there are ups and there are downs. And some things can be so awful. That’s when you need to get help. And here’s the thing, if your marriage is awful, you need before the Lord, to just be able to answer this question. Did I do everything I can and I could to save my marriage? If the answer is no, then keep waiting on the Lord, and keep doing what you need to be doing to save your marriage. If the answer is yes, then go in peace. You don’t have to live under guilt and shame and condemnation. Jesus told the woman in Luke chapter 7 who had been a prostitute, committed terrible, horrible sins. He said, «Your sins have been forgiven. Your faith has saved you. Go in peace».