Jeff Schreve - God's Blueprint For The Family
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We're in a series called "We Are Family," and we're looking at what does God, the manufacturer, have to say about life, about marriage, about family? Because family is super important. You know, before God created and established the church, before he established government, before he established schools, he established the home, he established marriage and family. That was the first thing that he set up as an institution, and God has much to say about it to help you and me enjoy it. And you know, the Lord didn't create marriage and family so it would be a horrible thing, he created it so it would be a wonderful thing and he wants us to enjoy it to the full. But in order to enjoy it to the full, you have to go by the divine design, you have to look at the blueprints and see, "What does the manufacturer say about life, about marriage, about family"?
God doesn't leave us in the dark, he tells us how to do this thing called marriage and family. Ephesians chapter 5, I'll begin reading in verse 17. We'll look at this one verse, and then we're gonna kind of be going through chapter 5, into the first part of chapter 6, through the message. But, verse 17, says this, "So then do not be foolish," don't be foolish, don't be ignorant, don't be unknowing, "But understand what the will of the Lord is". He's getting ready to tell us his will, to tell us his will concerning life, concerning marriage, concerning family. See, every person in the family has a role, has an assignment from God. The husband has an assignment, the wife has an assignment, the dad has an assignment, the mom has an assignment, the son has an assignment, the daughter has an assignment.
So we're going to look at four steps that God gives us in the building of a family by God's blueprint and God's design. So, the question, do you follow the divine design for your family? Maybe you say, "I don't know what it is, I'd like to follow it, but I don't know what it is". Here it is, step one, everyone in the family needs to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Everyone, mom, dad, son, daughter, grandma, grandpa, everybody, aunt, uncle, everybody needs to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Verse 18, here's the will of the Lord, "And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation," that is ruination, that is a waste, "But be filled with the Spirit," be filled with the Spirit.
Now, when the Bible says, "Be filled with the Spirit," it's not saying you're an empty vessel and you need the Holy Spirit to be poured into you. It's saying you need to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. Paul is talking to Christians, and he says, "Hey, Christians, you need to be controlled by the Holy Spirit, 'Be filled with the Spirit.'" Now, every Christian has the Spirit, but not every Christian is controlled by the Spirit. And it's interesting, in verse 18, because he uses being drunk with wine as a contrast and as a comparison. See, it's a contrast because being drunk with wine is a sin, and that's wrong, so that don't do that, but it's also a comparison, because when a person is drunk with alcohol, that person is controlled by the alcohol.
The alcohol makes that person say things they wouldn't normally say, do things they wouldn't normally do, they talk different, they walk different, they act different, because of the alcohol, they're controlled by the alcohol. So, the scripture is saying don't do that, don't be controlled by alcohol, be controlled by God's Spirit. And when God's Spirit is in control, you act differently, you talk differently, you walk differently, everything changes when you're controlled by the Spirit. Every person in this room is in one of these three, represented by one of these three glasses. Now we're gonna say the milk is a representation, the milk in the glass is a representation of a person's life and the chocolate syrup represents the Holy Spirit.
Now, the Bible says that there are three types of people, there is the natural man, there is the carnal man, and there is the spiritual man. 1 Corinthians chapter 2, verse 14, says the, "Natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, because they're foolishness to him; and he doesn't receive them, because they're spiritually appraised". So, this is the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit is outside the life of the natural man. This person has been born once, never born again, they've never received Christ as Savior and Lord, so the Lord is outside of their life. That's the natural man, and then you have the carnal man. Now, the carnal man, woman, boy or girl, this is a person who's received Christ. And when you receive Christ, you repent of your sin, and you put your faith and trust in Christ, the Lord comes to live inside of you through the person of the Holy Spirit.
So, let's say here's the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit comes to live inside this person, but the problem with the carnal man is the Holy Spirit is there, but the Holy Spirit is not filling that person. So this person and this person, they look real similar, they walk very similarly, they talk similarly, everything kind of looks the same, it's hard to tell that this person is a believer because they're not filled with the Spirit. Now, this person, the spiritual man, this is the person who's received the spirit, he has as much of the Holy Spirit as this person, but here's the difference, but to be filled with the Spirit doesn't mean you get more of the Holy Spirit, it means the Holy Spirit gets more of you. The Spirit is in this person.
See, sometimes we think, "Well, if I'm not filled with the Spirit, then the Spirit must have leaked out, and now I gotta get more of the Spirit". No, to be filled with the Spirit means the Spirit has more of you. Now, verse 18, "Do not be drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit". That's not a suggestion, that's a command, we're commanded to do that. And that's probably the most broken command in the Bible, because so many Christians live like this when they could live like this. And living like this is wonderful, very good. So, when you're filled with the Spirit as a mom, as a dad, as a son, as a daughter, what happens? Well, Spirit-filled families enjoy the fruit of the Spirit, the love, the joy, the peace, the patience, the kindness, the goodness, the gentleness, the faithfulness, the self-control.
It says, in verse 19, "Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ". When the mom and dad, when the son and daughter, are filled with the Spirit, the home becomes a joyous place, the home becomes a sweet place. There's a song in the air, so to speak, because there's a song in the heart. You know why some people don't sing in church? It's because they don't have a song. We used to sing that hymn, "There's within my heart a melody, Jesus whispers sweet and low, He keeps me singing 'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,' Sweetest name I know, Fills my every longing, Keeps me singing as I go".
That's being filled with the Spirit, there's joy there, there's gratitude there, and thankfulness, and there is a submission one to the other. You mark it down, any person who must have his own way, her own way, that person is not filled with the Holy Spirit of God, because there is submission to the Lord and to the authority structures that he has set up when you're filled with the Spirit. So that's the very first step, everyone in the family needs to be filled with the Spirit. Now, when Paul says that, then he goes off into the husband and wife relationship, the mom-dad relationship, the child-parent relationship. We need to be filled with the Spirit not just to teach and preach and sing, we need to be filled with the Spirit to do life, because we can't do it by ourselves.
You know, the Christian life is not hard, it's impossible, no one can do it other than Jesus. And so, God doesn't want your help, he wants your surrender, he just wants you to say, "Lord, fill me up, I yield myself to you," that is, to be filled with the Spirit. So, that's the first step, everyone in the family needs to be filled with the Spirit. Second step, every spouse needs to do the job that God has assigned. The husband has a job assignment and the wife has a job assignment, and the scripture goes on to talk about the job assignments for the husband and the wife.
Let's talk about the husband first. Verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS CAUSE A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE; AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself".
What's the job assignment for a husband? A husband's job is to love and lead his wife, that's straight from the Lord, nine verses about the husband, three times God gives the command you love her, love her, love her. "Love her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her," love her sacrificially, and lead her, as Christ leads the church, and love her as your own body, love her as yourself. And love involves nourishing her and cherishing her. Think about her like a flower, she's like a flower, you're the soil, your wife will glow and grow or dry and die depending on how you love her, how you nourish her, and how you cherish her and lead her. You're the soil, she's gonna respond to you for good or for bad.
And so, God says, "Hey, husband, do your job, love and lead your wife". Well, what's a wife's job? Let's get off the husband, because it's getting convicting, let's go to the wife. And what's a wife's job? A wife's job is to respect and submit to her husband. You said, "Did he just say submit to my husband"? Yeah, I did, because that's what the scripture says. Look, verse 22, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church," see, he's the leader, "He Himself being the Savior of the body". He's not better than you, he's just the designated driver, he's been put by God in the head coach's chair and you're in the assistant coach's chair. He says, "But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything," to be submissive and subject to their husbands.
Then he goes on, in verse 33, "Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband". That's a wife's job. You say, "I think a easier job might be to love my spouse, but I have to respect this guy"? Yeah, his job is to love you, your job is to respect him. How do you do that? How does a husband love his wife when she's not lovable? How does a wife respect her husband when he's not respectable? Step one, you need to be filled with the Holy Spirit, you can't do it in and of yourself, you need the Holy Spirit. You have to be this person, you can't be this person or this person, it's not going to work. Only Jesus can enable you to love her no matter what, to nourish her and cherish her no matter what. Only Jesus can help you, ladies, to respect him and submit yourself to him.
Now, obviously, all of this submission is in the Lord and under the Lord. If somebody is asking you to do something that would break the law or violate scripture, you don't do that. I mean, the scripture makes it clear Daniel was a godly man, he wouldn't eat the king's choice food, his three friends, they wouldn't bow to the image. I mean, there are times where you have to say, "No, I can't do that," if it violates scripture, but that doesn't happen very often in marriage. And so you submit yourself, you love her, and that's what God says, "You do your job". Hey, husbands, do your job. Hey, wives, do your job. And God will bless.
So every spouse needs to do the job God has assigned. Step number three, every parent needs to set the stage for the home. Verse 4, of chapter 6, "And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord". Every parent sets the table and sets the stage for the home. Now, here are some things that you need to establish in your home if you wanna have a home that God can bless. Number one, very first, right off the bat, very first thing, the Lord is King. You say, with Joshua, "As for me in my house, we will serve the Lord". Jesus is the cornerstone, the chief cornerstone of our home, the Lord is King. That goes back to step number one, be filled with the Spirit. "We're not gonna be this kind of family and we're not gonna be this carnal kind of family, we're gonna be a Spirit-filled family, the Lord is King," and you let the kids know that upfront.
Secondly, the marriage is priority. You know, when you start having kids, kids can start to put a strain on the marriage. We think that, "Oh, kids will bring the marriage together". I remember this one lady told me, she said, "You know, this couple is really having trouble, but maybe they could have a baby and that would bring them together". I said, "You have six kids, right? I mean, you know that that doesn't work like that, you put kids into the mix, that puts even more strain on the marriage".
The marriage is priority. And then, thirdly, the kids are loved, and disciplined, and led. See, he says, in verse 6, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord". Discipline, that word means training, instruction, nurture, and chastisement. The Bible says, in Proverbs 22, verse 15, that, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child". Has anyone found that to be true, that kids come out of the womb and they're kind of foolish? Sure, some of you are afraid to say something because your kids are in here. But foolishness, I mean, that's what the Lord says, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child," and the Lord says that, "The rod of discipline will remove it far from him".
Debbie and I had a wooden spoon and we let the kids know that, "This is our rod of discipline. You get out of line and you disobey, then we're going to apply the rod of instruction upon the seat of your understanding, we're gonna let you know that that is not going to fly". Well, you know, once you set the stage for that and that you follow through with spankings, I'm not talking about child abuse, I'm talking about spankings, then all you have to do is point to the spoon. Kids are like, "Okay, I'm sorry, I won't do that again," you know, they don't want that. But listen, this is important, to discipline them and to teach them, and to instruct them on life and in the ways of the Lord, so they know how to operate and how to act and how to understand who God is.
And so you need to be an example for your kids, and you need to train them up and discipline them so that they know, "This is how we are supposed to be and this is how we're supposed to act, and this is what's right and this is what's wrong". Kids need to know that they're loved, they're disciplined, and they are led. No home is to be kid CEO, no home. And now, the kids will try, they'll challenge you on that, because kids, they're ingenious and they want to take over. And it's just innate, you know? They come into this world and it's whatever they say goes. When they're little, when they cry, you jump and you have to do all these things for them. And they figure it out, "You know, if I cry and throw a fit, then mom and dad do things my way".
And it's a slow fade where you get into a home that, all of a sudden, the kids are calling the shots and the parents are obeying the kids. Don't have a home where the parents obey the kids, that's why you need a spoon, kids can't operate the spoon, you operate the spoon. And I still remember, Debbie is bad cop, iron will. I mean, what I love about her, what attracted me to her very early on, other than how beautiful she was, was that she's disciplined, I struggle with discipline, she is disciplined. You look up discipline the dictionary, it's her picture. I mean, she's just disciplined. And so, the kids would challenge her and she would say, "If you ever have a battle of wills with me, you just know, you will lose," because she's iron will.
And see, in marriage, and that's why it's so hard to parent by yourself, because if you're not a naturally disciplined person, and I'm not naturally disciplined, then doing that is hard. And so, typically, one of the two of you is more disciplined than the other, but you gotta lay down the discipline, you gotta let the kids know, "We're in charge, you're not in charge, and listen, I'm not here on this earth to be your friend, I'm here to be your parent". And if you will do a good job being the parent, when they get older, you'll be their friend, you'll be their friend, that's how it works in God's economy.
So, every parent needs to set the stage for the home, and then, step number four, every child needs to obey and honor his parents. Verse 1, of chapter 6, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH". Now, there's two words in there, there's "obey" and there is "honor". Now, God wants you to obey your parents until adulthood, obey your parents when you're a kid growing up in their house, obey your parents when you're still on the parental dole, you obey them. You know, the golden rule, he who has the gold makes the rules.
So, if you say, "Well, I'm out of the house now, I'm in college". Yeah, but they're still paying for your life, so you need to obey your parents until you become a full-fledged adult who pays his own bills, who lives in his own place. And that word, to obey, literally means to listen under, to hear them and heed them. And God says that's what a child needs to do, to obey his parents. Same thing that I said about a wife, respecting her husband and submitting herself to her husband, if your parents ask you to do something that's immoral or against the Word of God, you don't do that, but that's not happening very often. You come in when they say to come in, you clean up when they say to clean up, you live under their rules. God says that's important, this is right.
So you obey your parents until adulthood, but you honor your parents until death. See, honor is different than obey. Honor means, literally, in the Old Testament, "to honor," that meant "kabod," that was weight, that's used for glory. And your parents, you give your parents honor, you give them glory. You say, "Mom and dad, you're special because you're my mom and you're my dad, and I'm gonna honor you. I don't always obey you, but I will honor you".
And listen, mom and dad, you just know this. As your kids get older, you need to shift from manager to consultant, you don't manage them anymore. When they are adults, then you just consult, and only consult when they ask you to consult. So, you see something going haywire in their lives, pray for God to put it on their hearts to ask you about it. But if you start to meddle in their lives, and meddle in their marriage and meddle in their family, that's not a good thing and you're gonna make it hard for them. So, their responsibility before God, obey when you're young, honor all throughout life. And God says, if you do that, it'll go, "Well with you, and you may live long on the earth".