James Meehan - Be The REAL You (Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection)
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Well, today, we are talking about one of the greatest fears that plagues us as human beings. It’s a fear that prevents us from living out our God-given purpose. But more importantly, we’re gonna talk about how the good news of Jesus pushes out that fear and replaces it with love. Now, I dunno about you, but anytime I’m going to do a new thing in a new place with new people, the same old fear rears its ugly head, the fear of rejection. When I was younger, my family moved a lot, and so I was never at a single school for more than just a few years. And so, as soon as I would find my people, as soon as I would make good friendships, we would up and move and I’d have to start all over again. And every time, that same fear popped back up. Like, «Will I make friends in this new place? Will people like me? Will I have a spot to sit at lunch? Dear Lord, please help me not be picked last in PE».
Why is it that these same old fears seem to pop up every time we go to a new place with new people to do a new thing? The answer that science would give us is that social rejection and our brain’s response to that is almost the same as how we experience physical pain. The American Psychological Association would tell you that social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness. And it decreases some really important things like performance, focus, sleep quality, happiness, and physical health. One author actually said these words about it. They said that, «As far as your brain is concerned, a broken heart is not so different from a broken arm».
This is how we respond to social rejection, as if we are experiencing real and physical pain. And so, we avoid social rejection the same way we avoid stubbing our toes at all costs. And this is a problem because this fear that actually keeps us from getting close to people is the very thing that robs us of what we most desperately need, love, acceptance, and belonging. Now, what psychology tells us actually lines up beautiful with what scripture teaches. At the very beginning of the Bible in the book of Genesis, we learned two really important things about human beings, that we are made in God’s image and that we are not made to be alone.
And so, whether you believe it or not, you were created in the image of a relational God who, at his very core, is love. A God who created you to belong to him and have a place in his family, a family where acceptance is not based on your performance, it is based on his forgiveness and his grace that he freely offers. All of that makes the gospel of Jesus really good news, because you don’t have to achieve any of it. It’s something you receive when you believe in Jesus. But that social rejection thing, the fear of not being wanted, causes really big problems because what it does is it actually drives us to pretend to be someone that we aren’t, to present an image to the world that we believe is more acceptable and desirable than we are.
We try to cover up our flaws and amplify our strengths. And while the image you present to the world might fool some people, it does not fool Jesus. And while the image that you present to the world might attract some people, it doesn’t attract Jesus. Because Jesus didn’t come to save your image. He came to save you. And if you’ll let him, Jesus will help you tear down the image that you present to the world and replace it with the love and the belonging that we crave.
And so, Lord Jesus, we ask right now that you would help us trust that your love for us reaches past any image we present to the world. I pray that every single one of us, as we’re hearing this message, would trust and believe that you see us as we really are and you still want us. To your name we pray, amen.
We’re in a message series called «Fakers or Followers,» where we are talking about the difference between half-hearted fakers who claim to follow Jesus, but who lives say something wildly different, who are held captive by fear and insecurity that holds them back from being all that God has created them to be, and the difference between them and fully devoted followers, people who give their whole lives to honor God and to serve others. Last week, we looked at a disciple and follower of Jesus named Peter, and we watched his journey to learn what it takes to become fearless. It’s this process that starts with choosing faith, trusting in Jesus based on the evidence he’s provided for us that leads us to take a step of obedience.
And then eventually, all of us fall short. We get it wrong, we mess up. But then after that, if we keep coming back to Jesus, what we find is forgiveness. Forgiveness that continues to build our faith. And this cycle repeats and it builds and it grows until eventually, we become people who are fearless, who are not controlled by fear, but are actually driven by faith. This week we’re gonna look at another follower of Jesus, a guy named Matthew. He was a reject and an outcast. And we’re gonna see when Jesus called him to be a part of his ministry, how the religious leaders responded, and we’re gonna focus on their response to learn what not to do, because in all of their efforts to honor God, they missed the very heart of God.
And so, if you’re taking notes, I want you to write this down. This is the main point of today’s message, that fakers pretend to be healthy, but followers admit they are sick. Fakers pretend to be healthy, followers admit they are sick. We’re gonna start reading in our bibles in Matthew 9:9. And what we’re told is that, «Jesus went on from there,» where he was before, «and he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth».
Now, this is important because Matthew is doing what he usually does, sitting at his tax collector’s booth, and Jesus is doing what he usually does, going where sinners are, not waiting for them to clean themselves up and come to him. And this is also really important because tax collectors in their culture were considered the worst of the worst and the lowest of the low. They would rip off their friends, their family, their neighbors to prop up themselves and the Roman Empire. But none of that prevented Jesus from saying, «Follow me». And Matthew, he responded, he chose faith. He got up and he followed Jesus. And then, «While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples».
Matthew’s so excited, he throws a party, and he invites all of his friends. But then the Pharisees, the religious elites, see this and they ask his disciples, «Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners»? Now, the Pharisees, these are the spiritual elite. Their name, Pharisee, literally means separated ones. They were so passionate about pursuing holiness and righteousness that they separated themselves from anything sinful, including sinful people. And so, when the separated ones see Jesus, a supposed Bible teacher and holy man, getting close to sinful people, it does not make sense to them. But in all of his goodness and his kindness, Jesus tries to show them what they’re missing.
«On hearing this, Jesus said, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. So, go and learn what this means. I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.'» Go and learn what this means, «I desire mercy, not sacrifice». «It’s not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick». Jesus came to save sinners. He came to bind up the broken and place them in God’s family. That’s why he went to Matthew. That’s why he’s having dinner with the sinners and the tax collectors. Jesus is showing them that no action that they take will separate them too much from God’s grace. The Pharisees were the separated ones. And Jesus said, «I’m bringing the sinners into God’s family. All they have to do is accept me».
They knew they were sinners, they knew they were sick. They weren’t pretending. But what about when your sin is less obvious and visible than other people’s? What about when the thing that makes you sick is sneakier? It’s a little bit more subtle. It’s easier to hide. You see, that was the problem the Pharisees had. They were so committed to holiness and righteousness, but tragically, they missed the heart of God. And so, even though their hands and their robes were spotless, their hearts were not. We actually see this pretty clearly later on in Matthew’s gospel in Matthew 23. This is what Jesus says to the Pharisees and the teachers of the law. He says, «Woe to you, you hypocrites! You’re like whitewashed tombs. You look beautiful on the outside, but on the inside, you are dead. You’re filled with everything unclean. On the outside, you appear to people as righteous, but on the inside, you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness».
Fakers pretend to be healthy, but followers admit that they’re sick. When I first started following Jesus, I knew that I was sick and I desperately needed the mercy of God because I was an absolute scumbag. I was selfish, I was angry, I was violent, I was a jerk to my friends and family, I was addicted to pornography, I objectified women. I had so many problems, and Jesus met me with his grace. And I was so overwhelmed with his goodness that I was committed to doing everything I could to honor him with my life. And what’s crazy is the more I followed Jesus, the more, by his grace, I became less of who I used to be and more of who I was meant to be, and my life started to get less messy. And then I foolishly believed that I needed less mercy.
Like the Pharisees, I started to believe that my life was better and cleaner because of my sacrifice, not God’s mercy. And so, just like the Pharisees, I looked clean on the outside, but I was rotten on the inside, because all I did was trade obvious sins for sneaky ones. I traded my porn addiction for pride. I looked down on other people because they didn’t follow Jesus as faithfully as I did, or at least so I thought. I traded being a jerk to people’s faces for judging them behind their back. I traded the obvious stuff for just different sins. I had become a Pharisee.
And what’s crazy is, before I was a Christian, the thing that most made me not want to be a Christian was the amount of judgmental, hypocritical Christians. I became the very thing that I despised because in my attempts to honor God, I lost sight of the very heart of God. And unfortunately, there are some of you that are right there right now, that you’re trying really hard to clean yourself up in your strength, and at some point, you are all about God’s grace and his mercy, but not so much anymore. You’ve made the same mistake that I made, the same mistake that the Pharisees made. You have presented an image of holiness, of health, but on the inside, you’re sick.
So, what do you do? What do we do if we find ourselves in that place? If our sins are maybe a little bit less visible, a little bit less obvious? Well, fakers pretend to be healthy, but followers admit that they’re sick. In 1 John chapter 1, this was written by another disciple of Jesus, and he offers us a really, really beautiful pathway to real healing. In verse 5, he says that, «God is light. In him, there is no darkness at all». God is holy. God is pure. God is perfect love. What you see is what you get and what you see is goodness through and through. «If we claim to have fellowship with him,» the God who is light, «and yet we walk in the darkness, we lie and we do not live out the truth».
You cannot be in fellowship with light while still walking in the dark. You are either following Jesus or you are not. You’re walking in the light or you’re walking in the dark. «But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another». We have friendship with God and his people. We have acceptance, we have forgiveness, we have family. «And the blood of Jesus, his Son,» the mercy of God that was made available through the sacrifice of Jesus is what purifies us from all sin. It heals us and makes us whole. But verse 8, «If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us». Because all of us are sinners. All of us are sick.
Now, your sin may be less obvious than other people’s, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are sick. But verse 9, «If we confess our sins,» if we tell the truth about the ways that we’ve gotten it wrong, the ways that we have dishonored God and we’ve hurt other people, «he,» God «is faithful». «He is just, he will forgive us of our sins, and he will purify us from all unrighteousness. He will clean us up and make us whole. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us».
So, how do we get healthy? The way that we get healthy is, we walk in the light. And that means you admit when you get it wrong and you commit to do what’s right. You tell the truth about when you fall short and you do the best you can to do better next time. You won’t be perfect, none of us are. But we still bring our best effort, knowing that every time we fall short, the mercy of God is there to catch us. And that right there is where we find what we’re looking for. It is in the light that we find God. It is in the light that we find healing. It is in the light that we find forgiveness, we find acceptance, we find the freedom that we are desperate for.
So, let today be the day that you finally step into the light because there are some of you right now who you have been saying all the Christian stuff, but you have been denying Jesus with your actions. Like you claim to really, really care about your purity, but then when it’s late at night and you’re feeling lonely, you look at things over and over again that you know you shouldn’t. And instead of actually being honest about it, you keep it hidden. And the more you hide it, the deeper shame’s hooks get into you and the harder it is for you to break free. It’s time for you to step into the light. Stop pretending, stop presenting an image. Be honest that you need help, and you will find it in Jesus' name.
There are some of you that if we’re just calling it what it is, you only care about people who add value to your life. And if you don’t think they’re gonna help you get ahead, then you don’t even give 'em the time of day. Call it what it is. Be honest about how you view other people. And then once you’ve admitted it, step into the light. Choose to see them the way that God sees them, as fearfully and wonderfully made in his image, full of potential, purpose, and dignity, and then treat them accordingly. There are some of you, when you’re at home, when you’re at church, maybe even when you’re at school, you present a very positive and well-spoken image to the world. But when you’re not in those places, you cuss like a sailor.
Stop pretending. Stop acting like you’ve got it all together. Just be honest about how you’ve fallen short. This is how we move out of the darkness and into the light. We admit when we get it wrong and we commit to do what’s right. And even though we will fall short, every time we do, if we go to Jesus, if we confess our sins, his word tells us that he is faithful, he is just, and he will forgive us of all of our unrighteousness. He will make us healthy and he will make us whole. This is what Jesus is inviting you into, out of the darkness and into the light of his love. Walk in the light. Stop pretending. Tell the truth. Admit when you get it wrong and commit to do what’s right.
In just a few minutes, when we go to our switch groups, I want you to ask and answer these questions. What wrong thing do you need to confess? And then what right thing do you need to start doing? What wrong thing do you need to confess? And what right thing do you need to start doing? Now, I’m very aware that if you have never done this before, if this is the first time you’ve ever said out loud to another person the ways that you have gotten it wrong, then this right here is terrifying. But I promise you it is worth it. Because when you confess your sins to God, you will be forgiven. And when you confess your sins to other people who are made in the image of God, then what you get to experience from them is real mercy face-to-face.
Like when you say the scariest thing you’ve ever had to say and the people in your switch group don’t judge you, they don’t shame you, but they celebrate you and encourage you and pray for you, what that does to you is it starts to make you fearless because you’re not held back by your insecurity. You’re refusing to let shame to find your story. Instead, you’re saying, «Jesus, I trust you. If you say, this is what happens, then I’m gonna try it». You’re choosing faith. You’re admitting that you’ve fallen short. And what happens then is you receive forgiveness. And every time we experience forgiveness from God and from his people, what it does is it continues to build our faith. It’s literally what we talked about last week. It takes faith, it takes courage. It takes boldness and trust to confess your sins to God and to his people to be honest about how you’ve fallen short.
Hey, good news though, I promise you, you’re not the only one. Every single one of us has fallen short. And when you bring that to God, what you find is forgiveness. That will build your faith. And if you keep pressing in, if you keep stepping forward out of the darkness and into the light, it will make you fearless. Because Jesus didn’t come to save your image. He came to save you. So, let him tear down the image that you’ve been presenting to the world. Let him replace that with the acceptance that you’re desperate for. Fakers, they pretend to be healthy, but followers admit that they’re sick.
So, Lord Jesus, we come before you right now and we ask that you would give us the courage to be honest about the ways that we have gotten it wrong and that you help us have the wisdom and the discipline and the people around us to actually choose to commit to do what is right, to walk in the light as you are in the light. Give us the faith we need to admit where we fallen short, and meet us with the forgiveness that will help us know and believe that no matter what we’ve done, we are loved by you. It’s in your name we pray, amen and amen.