James Meehan - A Guide to Healthy Dating as a Christian Teenager
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Well, hello. We are in a Message Series, all about getting our relationships right. If you were here with us the last week, we talked about the importance of being faithfully single, because if you do not get singleness right, more likely than not, you will get dating wrong. This week, we are talking about the all important question, who to date. Next week, you’re gonna wanna be back for that because we’re talking about how to date.
Now, before we get into all of that though, I wanna make it abundantly clear where I stand on the subject. I think that dating as a middle schooler or a high schooler is dumb and a waste of time 95 percent of the time. Now, here’s why I say that, not because 95 percent is a really cool statistic, but because I kid you not, studies show that 95 percent of relationships that happen in a high school do not lead to marriage. That means the vast majority of you, if you choose to step into dating relationships in this chapter of your lives, will experience more than anything else, disappointment, heartbreak, and possibly even shame and regret, with very little positive to show for it.
Now, because I wasn’t born yesterday, I know that a whole bunch of you are still going to choose to date even though you heard me say almost none of you are going to end up marrying the person that you date in this chapter of your life. And so that’s why this message matters, because if you’re gonna do something dangerous, you might as well do everything you can to mitigate, to minimize the harm. It’s like if you’re gonna jump out of an airplane, I don’t think you should, but if you do, bring a parachute and make sure you know how to use it. So if you’re taking notes, the main point of this message is this, that strong, healthy, and God-honoring relationships are built by strong, healthy, and God-honoring people. Strong, healthy and God-honoring relationships are built by strong, healthy and God-honoring people.
Now, when I was in middle school and high school, I was not at all interested in Jesus, but I was very interested in girls. So I dated, and it was awful. Like I made terrible decisions when it came to who I dated and how I dated. Like when I was a high schooler, this was my criteria. Are they pretty, and are they female? They don’t even have to be single because you know, like in soccer there’s a goalie, but you can still score. But thanks be to God, that Jesus got a hold of my life, flipped my world upside down, and showed me a much better way. And it was after I met Jesus that I realized the whole way I go about this dating stuff has to change dramatically, because if my life is now devoted to Jesus, then I should probably look for somebody who is also devoted to Jesus.
And so not long after I became a Christian, I started dating this girl at my church because she was really involved in the church. And we went on a single date and it became abundantly clear that other than Jesus, we had nothing in common. So we only ever went on a single date. A few months later though, I met this other girl who attended our church. She was very, very pretty, and she had a really good personality. Like we had a lot of chemistry. And so I’m sitting here thinking, this is it, I hit the jackpot, we’re perfect for each other, until I learned the very important lesson, that there is a big difference between going to church occasionally and really loving Jesus, and really being committed to God and his will for your life.
And so it didn’t take long for us to realize that our lives were moving in two different directions. And so things ended. And it was after that relationship that I realized I needed to do some work to really find out what is it that I am looking for in a romantic partner? And so I sat down and I came up with what I called four non-negotiables. Non-negotiable number one, they had to really love Jesus. Non-negotiable number two, I had to find them attractive. Like I needed to think that they were pretty. Non-negotiable number three, we had to have chemistry. Like they had to have a great personality and we had to enjoy being around each other. And then non-negotiable number four was that they needed to be committed to growing in their faith and as a human being. Like those were the four things that I decided were most important to me.
And as soon as I wrote them down, I realized I was in trouble, because based off of where I was in my faith, in my maturity, in my life, I realized a girl like that wasn’t looking for a guy like me. I had a whole lot of work to do. And there are some of you listening to this message right now. Scratch that, most of you. You know what? Take it back. All of you have a lot of work to do to become the person that God has created you to be, so that you can have a strong, healthy and God-honoring relationship. And so to help us figure out how to get this right, we are once again looking to Jesus. When he was asked what is the most important command in all of scripture, this was his response. He said, «To love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself».
All of the law and the prophets hang on these two commands. The thing that matters most to God is that we become the kind of people who love him with all that we are and love others the same way that we want to be loved. And this is not only the greatest commandment, it is also the secret to healthy dating relationships, because until we know the pure and perfect love of God, we will never be able to give pure and perfect love to another person. The love that we try to offer others without first receiving the love that comes from God will always be less than pure and perfect. It will oftentimes be selfish and fake. And tragically, that selfish and artificial love is what so many relationships are built on. Like not just in our modern world today, but throughout human history that has been the dominant type of relationship.
In fact, there’s this story in the Old Testament that we’re gonna look at in just a minute where these two characters, these two people had an absolute train wreck of a relationship. It was so dysfunctional, because neither of them knew what it really meant to love God and to love others. And so what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna look at this story of these two people, and as we read through it, we are going to draw out some really important lessons on what not to do, because of how they got their relationship wrong, so that we can discover what to do so that we can get our relationships right. We’re gonna look at the story of Samson and Delilah. Little context that you need to know is that Samson was a dude who at a very young age, had devoted his life to God. He was blessed with superhuman strength, and he was even appointed as a leader of God’s people.
But somewhere along the way, Samson lost sight of who God had created him to be. He lost sight of his God-given purpose, and he started making one terrible decision after another, until when he looked back on his life, what was behind him was a whole bunch of failures and broken relationships. And so we’re gonna look at the start of Samson and Delilah’s relationship. It actually begins in Judges 16:1, and this is how it starts. «One day, Samson, this former man of God went to Gaza where he saw a prostitute and he went in to spend the night with her». Lesson number one, if you are taking notes, don’t date someone who doesn’t care about their purity. Instead, look for someone who lives with integrity, because if the person you are looking to date does not care their purity, they’re not gonna care about yours either. That’s lesson one.
If we continue reading, we see that the people of Gaza were told, «Sampson is here! So they surrounded the place, they lay and wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night saying, At dawn, we will kill him». Now, a little bit of context here. The last time s Samson was in this area, he murdered 1,000 people. «But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up, took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, tore them loose bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and he carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron». Moving on. Do not date someone, who like Samson, is angry and violent. Instead, look for someone who is kind and has self-control.
If we continue reading, it says that «Sometime later, he, Samson fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. Now, the rulers of the Philistines, they went to her and said, See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength, and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you 1,100 shekels of silver». So from the get go, Delilah is in this relationship so that she can trap him and make money. Which leads us to the next lesson. Don’t date someone just because they’re attractive. I’m guessing Delilah was attractive, because we don’t hear a lot of other positive qualities. Instead, look for someone with good character.
Look for someone with good character. If we continue reading, «Delilah says to Samson, tell me the secrets of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued. And Samson answered her, If anyone ties me with seven fresh bow strings that have not been dried, I will become as weak as any other man». Now, this is not true. He’s lying to her. Which brings us to the next lesson. Don’t date someone who lies to you. Instead, look for someone who tells the truth. Look for someone who tells the truth. Now, this whole thing where she asks him, «Hey, tell me the secret to your strength, » and he tells her a lie, then she like tries to do that very thing and then calls the people that want him captured and killed into jump him.
And then he wakes up, breaks free. Three different times this happens, and three different times he keeps lying to her, she keeps believing and she keeps calling the people in to get him captured. Which brings us to the next lesson. Don’t date someone who is actively trying to harm you. Instead, look for somebody who wants what’s best for you. Look for someone who wants what is best for you. If we continue reading in the story, we see in Judges 16:16, that «With such nagging, she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it». Next lesson, don’t date someone who makes you want to die. Instead, look for someone who makes your life better.
Continuing, «So Samson finally tells her everything. He says that, No razor has ever been used on my head because I have been a Nazarite, dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me and I would become as weak as any other man. When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, she sent word to the rulers of the Philistines. She says, come back once more, he’s told me everything. So the rulers of the Philistines, they returned with the silver in their hands. After putting him to sleep on her lap, she called for someone to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him and his strength left him. Then she called once more, Samson, the Philistines are upon you».
Don’t date somebody who takes advantage of your vulnerability. Instead, look for someone who picks you up when you’re down. The passage ends by telling us that, «Samson awoke from his sleep and he thought, I will go out as before. I will shake myself free. But he did not know that the Lord had left him. Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes, took him down to Gaza, binding him with bronze shackles. They set him to grinding grain in the prison». Now, some of you, after hearing and seeing all of that, are thinking to yourself, bruh, how could anybody put up with such an obviously toxic relationship? And as I’m preaching this message, I’m thinking, how can so many of you put up with the obviously toxic relationships that you find yourself in?
The reason is because dysfunction is a lot easier to spot in someone else than it is to see in the mirror. That’s why I wanted you to see all of the things that you should not date, and all of the qualities that you should look for. Because the truth is, is that when emotions are high, wisdom is low. The more emotional we are, the harder it is to think logically. Now, this doesn’t mean that emotions are a bad thing. We’ve just gotta be really careful in situations where all the feelings are everywhere.
This is why it matters that we take seriously what it looks like when we’re looking for the right person to date, that we don’t just settle for the shallow and superficial things, but we actually look for what’s beneath the surface, the qualities that really define who they are. Because sadly, I believe there are many of you listening to this message that are settling for a relationship that is so much less than healthy, strong, and God-honoring, that is so much less than what God wants for you. So what do we do? Well, I think what the Apostle Paul says in the New Testament is really helpful. He says in 2 Corinthians 6, he says, «Do not team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever»?
So if we summarize all of the wisdom that we’ve read, I believe this is the lesson, don’t date someone who does not share your faith. Instead, look for someone who is fully committed to following Jesus. Don’t date someone who doesn’t share your faith. Instead, look for someone who is fully committed to following Jesus. Now, I know that there are some of you who hear that and you think that sounds a little bit extreme, probably because you are dating somebody that does not share your faith. Or there are others of you who just heard me say that and you’re feeling like a little bit ambushed because you’re only here at Switch because your Christian boyfriend or girlfriend invited you and you are not a Christian. Just so you know, they did not know that I was gonna say this stuff.
So I don’t think this is a weird attempt to get me to break up with you for them. I don’t think that’s the case. But even though this sounds extreme, it’s because it’s extremely important. Because if you find yourself in a romantic relationship with somebody with whom your values do not align, then that means at some point, one of you will have to compromise your integrity. If your values do not align, somebody will end up compromising. And sadly, in dating relationships, it is often the Christian who compromises on their values. And it’s not because they really want to, and oftentimes it’s not even because the person they’re dating wants them to. It’s because it is a lot harder to lift someone up to a higher standard than it is to pull someone down to a lower standard.
I wanna illustrate this. My co-leader, Judah, is gonna come out onto the stage, and I’m just gonna show you like visually what I’m talking about. So this is Judah, my co-leader. This is a chair. Imagine, hypothetically speaking, we’re dating. I’m the Christian, Judah is the non-Christian. Judah, try to pull me off the chair. Keep pulling. Like even if I try to stop him, it’s really hard for me to stay on the chair. Now Judah, you are the Christian. Stand on the chair. I’m the non-Christian. Try to lift me up onto the chair. No, like try to lift me up. He said he is trying. So I show you this to show you that it is a lot harder to lift someone up to a higher standard than it is to pull someone down to a lower standard. Judah, thank you so much. Can y’all give him a quick round of applause?
So if you find yourself currently in a relationship with someone that you’re starting to realize that you probably shouldn’t be dating, what do you do? First thing you gotta do is when you see red flags, run. This is exactly what Samson and Delilah should have done, like 15 different times. When you see red flags, run. Get out of the relationship before it ruins your life. The second thing that you’ve gotta do is trust the people who love you the most, because dysfunction is a lot easier to spot in someone else than it is to see in the mirror. And there are some of you who are blind to the dysfunction in your relationship.
Now, I wanna clarify, when I say trust the people who love you the most, I’m not saying the person you are dating, I’m saying your friends. I’m saying your family. I’m saying your church. I’m saying your parents, when they bring concerns to you about the person that you are dating, take those concerns seriously, because when emotions are high, wisdom is low. And the people who love you the most are trying to help you by saving you so much unnecessary pain, shame and regret that comes from being in a relationship that is less than healthy, strong and God-honoring.
That’s what God wants for you. He wants you, if you choose to step into a dating relationship, for it to be one that honors him and is good for the other person, because strong, healthy and God honoring relationships are built by strong, healthy and God-honoring people. And that kind of a relationship is possible. But in order for it to become a reality, you’ve gotta look for someone who loves God with all they are and loves others the same way that Jesus loves them. And perhaps more importantly, you have to do the work of becoming someone who loves God with all that you are and loves others the same way that you want to be loved. Because the greatest calling of your life is not who you date. The greatest of your life is who you become. That is what God is inviting you into, to become someone who is faithful to him and loving to others.
So as we get ready to go into our small groups, I’ve got some questions that I want you to answer. What qualities are you looking for in a significant other? And this is so much more than just the superficial stuff. Like get real. What are the qualities, the virtues, the character traits that matter to you in a dating relationship? And then which of those qualities do you need to grow it? Because healthy dating relationships are more about you becoming the right person than they are about you finding the right person. Strong, healthy, and God-honoring relationships are built by strong, healthy, and God-honoring people. So let’s choose to become those kinds of people.
Lord Jesus, we come before you right now, so grateful, that your grace is here, it is now and it is for us. I pray that all of us would recognize that who we choose to date, if we choose to date, is a very big decision, and that we will not make it lightly, but that we will do the best we can to surround ourselves with wise people. That we will lean on your word, that we will only step into a relationship if we are confident that it is good for them, it is good for us, and most importantly, it is honoring to you. Help us Lord Jesus, make the right decisions so that at the end of it all, your name is glorified and we walk away stronger. We pray all this in your name, amen, and amen and amen.