James Meehan - Can Frustration Be Helpful?
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Kaitlyn Caffery: We are here and we are talking about an emotion that I'm pretty sure we all feel at different points.
James Meehan: Never felt it.
Kaitlyn Caffery: James has never...
James Meehan: Stoic.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Felt it, ever.
James Meehan: Unemotional. Robotic, some might even say.
Kaitlyn Caffery: That sounds Christ-like. We're talking about frustration.
James Meehan: Do you say fruh?
Kaitlyn Caffery: Fruh.
James Meehan: Do you pronounce the f-r or do you say fuh-stration?
Kaitlyn Caffery: I say frustration.
James Meehan: Okay, do you, in the comments, pronounce the R or not? My wife, her pet peeve is when people don't say the R. So I just want you to know if you don't say the R, you frustrate my wife.
Kaitlyn Caffery: For those of us who do feel the emotion of frustration from time to time...
James Meehan: Come on.
Kaitlyn Caffery: ...how do we actually deal with it?
James Meehan: Right, which is important because it's such a common emotion.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yep.
James Meehan: Right, like anger, jealousy, being disrespected, being embarrassed, being scared even. Like, all of these different things can sort of get summed up in frustration.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Sure.
James Meehan: Because it kind of is this catchall for everything so it can be really helpful to identify some of the more specific things. But in the moment when you are feeling your blood pressure start to rise, your fists are starting to clench, what do you do?
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah.
James Meehan: Well, you do what my friend Daniel Tiger, from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, was taught by his mother. You sing a song. "When you're feeling mad and about to roar. Take a deep breath and count to four: One, two, three, four". And breathe out. And by the time you're done with that song, all the frustration goes away. That's not actually how it works, but there is deep wisdom in this little jingle from Daniel Tiger, a show made for little kids that I know about because my son's obsessed with Daniel Tiger. The deep wisdom actually comes from the book of James...
Kaitlyn Caffery: Come on.
James Meehan: ...where James, brother of Jesus, early Christian leader writes about how we are to be slow to anger. We are to be slow to speak.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah.
James Meehan: But quick to listen because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Come on somebody.
James Meehan: So frustration is a real thing.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah.
James Meehan: But when we start to feel it, one of the most important things we can do is actually slow down, pause long enough to breathe, and get a more realistic sense of what's happening around us. Because when emotions are high...
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yep.
James Meehan: ...wisdom is often low.
Kaitlyn Caffery: So true.
James Meehan: And what we need to be able to do is kind of navigate the emotional things that are upsetting us, slow down and then think a little bit longer about how to proceed. Otherwise, we're just gonna do something dumb, we're just gonna cause more problems, we're just gonna make us even more frustrated in the process.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah. I need to tell a story at this point. My mom also sang a song to me.
James Meehan: Whoa.
Kaitlyn Caffery: When I was feeling frustrated.
James Meehan: No way. Come on. Moms of the world unite.
Kaitlyn Caffery: But the problem is, as I said this the song made me feel more frustrated.
James Meehan: Oh.
Kaitlyn Caffery: When I was like feeling irritated about something that was happening she would sing, "Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry. When you get impatient, you only start to worry. Remember, remember that God is patient too. And think of all the times that others must wait on you".
James Meehan: Dang, let's go.
Kaitlyn Caffery: And I'll get so mad.
James Meehan: Right, because the last thing anybody who's frustrated wants to be told is: be patient, calm down, it's not a big deal. So how do you help other people that are dealing with frustration? Don't start singing.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Maybe don't sing now.
James Meehan: The song to them. Sing a song to yourself, but not to other people. When other people are frustrated, I think one of the best things you can do is give them space.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah.
James Meehan: To process their emotions.
Kaitlyn Caffery: That's good.
James Meehan: Be patient with them, not by telling them to be patient.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Right.
James Meehan: But by understanding that frustration is a very real thing that we all deal with.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yep.
James Meehan: Now the worst thing that we can do is rush into a solution.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Right.
James Meehan: Because like we already said...
Kaitlyn Caffery: Oh man.
James Meehan: When emotions are high, wisdom is low. And so when other people are frustrated we might feel this urge to help fix their frustration.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah.
James Meehan: But in doing so, we're gonna sing a song about being patient and it's just gonna make them even more frustrated. So how do you deal with frustration? Our suggestion...
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah.
James Meehan: ...is that you slow down.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah.
James Meehan: You take a deep breath and you think about what you're going to do next.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah.
James Meehan: And specifically you think about what is going to help me deal with this frustration in a healthy way.
Kaitlyn Caffery: Yeah. That's good.
James Meehan: And not actually create more problems down the road that maybe I don't see because I'm not thinking clearly, because of how overwhelmed by emotions I might be.
— Something that I learned recently is that like actual definition of frustration.
— Okay.
— Is the feeling of being upset or annoyed.
— That's good.
— Especially because of the inability to change or achieve something
— Interesting.
— That last phrase, like the inability to change or achieve something really stuck out to me.
— Right. That's good.
— Because I realize that like a lot of times when I'm feeling frustrated, like hey, there's something fair to it. Like something wrong is happening that I am noticing and picking up on.
— Right.
— And so like it's fair to feel frustrated sometimes. So what we're not telling you is like, you're wrong for feeling that way because there is stuff that happens that honestly should be changed.
— Right. Absolutely.
— But I am learning to be aware of staying in that space of frustration for too long.
— Yeah.
— Because I'm kind of boxing myself into a fixed mindset.
— Yeah.
— Like, I can't change this, I can't do anything about it. That's what the feeling of frustration tells me when I stay there for too long.
— Right.
— So I've been asking God to help me actually use frustration as a, an indicator of something around me that needs to change for the better.
— Yep.
— And b, as an indicator of places where maybe I have a fixed mindset-
— Right.
— instead of a growth mindset. Because I wanna be someone who is constantly moving and changing and growing to become more like Jesus.
— That's great.
— When it comes to you dealing with frustration, a, take some time to process through how you're feeling. Sing a song to yourself, take some deep breaths or whatever you need to do.
— Yeah.
— And then honestly submit that emotion to God.
— Right.
— And see if there is a change that He is asking you to make.
— Right.
— Or maybe a space or a lie that you have believed that has kept you in this space of feeling frustrated for a long time. And figure out what the truth is that can set you free.
— Yeah, that's so good. Cause none of us can change everything-
— Right.
— but all of us can change something.
— Yeah.
— And so when you feel trapped, because you don't think you can change whatever that thing is or achieve whatever that goal you're trying to accomplish is.
— Yeah.
— Remember that you can actually do something.
— Come on.
— You can always do something. And sometimes, that something is cultivating your own character.
— So good.
— Developing patience, self-control, more wisdom. And other times it's actually to go and write whatever wrong has been done. But if we try to write the wrong when our emotions are high-
— Yep.
— we're probably going to do it wrong.
— Yeah. If you're interested in hearing more about this topic we're actually starting a new series.
— Oh, whoa.
— Tomorrow night.
— We do that.
— We do that. But we're starting a new series tomorrow night called "Unmet Expectations".
— Yep.
— And the first message you actually teach a law about how to deal with frustration.
— Yep.
— Which is like that emotion that we feel when reality doesn't meet our expectations.
— Yep. Absolutely. So check it out on this YouTube channel right here.
— Check it out, 7:00 PM. Kim Kardashian actually asked viewers what they wanted to like hear and see and watch in season three of "The Kardashians" and fans responded with some really creative ideas.
— Come on.
— One of the ideas that I thought was particularly fascinating was when fans suggested that Kim goes overseas to solve the Middle Eastern conflict.
— Good, good.
— That has been going on for thousands of years.
— Yeah. And I'm sure they mostly did it as a joke.
— Sure.
— But I think there's an interesting principle behind it, but the people that we often look to are whoever are the people with the most fame, the most influence, the most moneyed the most what we would define as power.
— Mm-hmm.
— But in reality, the people who make the biggest changes in the world aren't, no offense, "The Kim Kardashians".
— Right.
— They're not the people that are really successful online, they're not the people who make tons and tons of money, they're not the people who have their own name brand items, it's usually people who are working humbly and quietly behind the scenes.
— Right.
— Come on. It's those kinds of people who see an injustice.
— Yep.
— Are frustrated by it,
— Come on.
— manage their frustration in such a way that they can step into the problem and bring a real solution. And most of the time they don't start with this big giant dream of changing the entire world.
— Right.
— It's I'm gonna do something small right here within my power. Think about like Gandhi, he's a dude who said "I'm gonna just practice nonviolent protest".
— Yeah.
— And that created so much traction that actually changed his entire nation. Think about Martin Luther King Jr.
— Yeah.
— Again, he's somebody who saw these injustices and said "I'm gonna do something about this in my church".
— Yeah.
— Because before he was an activist, he was a pastor.
— That's good.
— And he said, "We're gonna create a church community that values other people, not by the color of their skin but the content of their character".
— Right.
— And then I'm just gonna invite other people to do it because there's other things that are happening and we're gonna start this movement. It starts really small, it grows really slowly but eventually there's no denying that something significant has taken place almost like the Kingdom of God.
— Woo.
— Come on somebody, it's kind of like a mustard seed that when you plant it, it's the tiniest of all seeds.
— Come on.
— But by the time it's fully grown it's this tree large enough for all the birds of the air to find rest in its branches. This is what Jesus has invited us into. To not point to celebrities to solve our problems but for us to become saints.
— Yep.
— To become people who are actually doing the work of God in our communities.
— Yep.
— And if we keep at it, then maybe, possibly God might use us to do even bigger things than that.
— Come on.
— But there's no denying that the small things in the kingdom of God are big things.
— Yeah.
— And so Kim Kardashian, good luck. Do your thing, whatever it is.
— Whatever it is.
— And we're gonna do our thing being "Culture Makers".
— Yeah. Let's freaking go. The World Cup this year is actually being held in a small country in the Middle East called Qatar. We are in the group stages right now. The United States is not doing awesome.
— Wait, what? Oh, who'd have thought?
— They've been in two matches so far and they've both been draws.
— That's actually better than what I was expecting going into.
— Our women's team could literally take those guys to school any day of the week.
— Interesting, wow.
— They just run circles around.
— That's a very hot take.
— Oh it's just real.
— Comment down below. Do you think-
— Yeah, you can come at me.
— that the women's soccer team could beat the men's soccer team, let us know.
— Yeah, they are babies. Anyways.
— Oh my gosh. We'll talk about this later.
— I'm feeling frustrated.
— Clearly.
— There was actually some controversy about...
— Oh, a lot of controversy.
— where we are holding the World Cup this year for some of those human rights reasons.
— Yep.
— Qatar is a country in the Middle East where things like slavery, kind of treating women in a certain way. Those are normal there. So there was a lot of protest and strong feelings about why we were having the World Cup there in the first place.
— Yep.
— And how we should kind of process that.
— Yep. And there's some people who are going as far as to say like, "We're gonna boycott it all together".
— Right.
— Other people are kind of just like, "Ah, I don't care, I just am here for the sport". And you know, with all of this I think it's important to think about what kind of person do you want to become?
— Yeah.
— Like who are you really trying to model your life on? Is it Jesus or is it someone or something else?
— Yeah.
— And I think that kind of makes it to where just ignoring bad things in the world isn't really an option for us as followers of Jesus.
— Right.
— And so if you are somebody who loves soccer and it's like your thing.
— Come on.
— And you are passionately cheering on your team. I'm not saying you can't enjoy the sport but I would encourage you to not turn a blind eye to real injustice in the world.
— Sure.
— Now it's important to acknowledge that there are some claims of injustice that have been a little bit inflated or exaggerated, that as more information comes out we're coming to find that maybe those numbers that are being thrown aren't exactly true.
— Right.
— Which is a really great reminder that the internet is not the infallible inspired word of God.
— Right.
— Right. Like there is so much things on the internet that are not very true, are not at all helpful.
— Yeah.
— And so we have to be able to practice discernment.
— That's true.
— To not just go with whatever we hear first but to actually seek after what's true.
— That's great.
— Proverbs 18:17 talks about this idea that whenever you hear a story for the first time, wherever you hear it from, that person's gonna sound really, really right. And then when you hear the other side of the story, you start to see the full picture.
— Right.
— And so what I would encourage you to do when it comes to things like this is not just settle for the headlines or what your crazy cousin said at Thanksgiving but actually go for what's true.
— Right.
— Do a little bit of extra work.
— That's good.
— A little bit more research so that you can figure out what is the real problem, how can I begin praying for the people affected by it?
— Right.
— And then what things can I do within my sphere of influence?
— So good.
— To be a change agent in my world. Because again, we can't do everything, but all of us can do something.
— Right.
— And so if you're just enjoying it, enjoy it.
— Absolutely.
— But recognize that we live in a world where injustice is real and we've been called by God to be the kind of people who make a change for the better.
— Speaking of all of these things we have gotten to relate all of these things back to the original question of how do we deal with frustration?
— Right.
— So as we walk away from this episode would there be like a challenge, something to try that we can grab hold of and move to the rest of this week?
— Yeah, I mean, I would encourage all of you to join us again here on this YouTube channel tomorrow night, 7:00 PM.
— Yeah.
— For the first week of our series, "Unmet Expectations". Because here on "Culture Makers" we talk a lot about how to think Christianly about what's happening in culture.
— Yep.
— In our messages, we mostly just talk a lot about Jesus in the Bible because we believe that when we are spiritually centered and grounded...
— Right.
— God can do way more through us than if we aren't. The second thing is, man figure out a plan of action for when you start to feel frustrated.
— That's great.
— Because your feelings are real but they are not always reliable.
— Right.
— Right. When emotions are high, wisdom is low. So plan in advance, pre-decide how you're going to respond to a time when you're frustrated.
— That's great.
— So that hopefully your response can create less frustration and not more frustration.
— Yeah.
— Because we've all done it and we've all seen it where people react out of their frustration and they just end up making everything worse in the process. So put a plan of action in place. Think about how you're going to respond the next time you feel frustrated.
— So that's all that we have for you on this episode of "Culture Makers". Be here tomorrow night at seven for "Unmet Expectations" and then we'll be back here, next week for another episode of "Culture Makers". See you then.
— See you.